LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #267: The Death of Flatulence Lad

[Drew Nilium]

On 12/11/22 3:58 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> And here is Gary St. "SAINT" Lawrence with 'The Death of Flatulence Lad'!

Oooooh, interesting pick.

> This was one of those LNH Stories that seemed to be lost to time for a bit
> (before Google opened up the Deja News USENET Vault for all to see all the
> old posts).  But now it Lives Forever (Unlike Poor Flatulence Lad) for all to
> see!  Also Dave Van Domelen's version of Flats Death as an extra at the end!

Heck yeah! :D

> 			*THE DEATH OF FLATULENCE LAD*
> 				     or
> 
> 			    "Goner with the Wind"

khehehe

> He longed for the days when he could sit on his
> mom's sofa and not worry about his gastrionic powers. That wonderful
> old brown leather sofa ... anytime his amazing powers acted up,
> he'd just shift his position and the noise of the crumpling
> leather would cover for him. No such luck now. Sarcastic Lad's
> cloth covered furniture offered no sound to muffle his colonic
> concerto.

It's stunning how deep this immediately goes into the details of this concept. X3

> 	"C'mon Flats," Sarcastic Lad ordered. "We're going to the
> market. I'll bet that just has your undies in a bunch, doesn't it?"
> 	"Gee, Sarc, why d'ya hafta take your frustration out on
> me?" Flats asked innocently. "I mean, jeepers, we're partners and
> all. Couldn't ya be nicer to me?"
> 	"Nyah nyah nyah nyah NYAH nyah nyah?" Sarc snapped back.

D: Wow, *seriously* harsh. I'm used to him being more passive-aggressive than 
Just Aggressive.

> "Just shut up and go gas up the ... I mean, PUT some gas in the
> cruiser so we can go, will ya?"
> 	"Sure thing, Sarc," Flats said, knowing that was as close
> to an apology as Sarcastic Lad ever got.
> 	Sarc thought about his friend, and the lifelong burden
> the boy had having such personally offensive powers. He realized
> that he had been unnecessarily cross with the boy, and made a deal
> with himself to make it up to the kid at the Cos-Mall.

Well, that's something!

> 	The Cos-Mall was one of Sarc's least favorite places, but
> as it's the only shopping center that still lets LNHers do
> business after that battle with Mallomar Man which almost wrecked
> the Piatza Plaza, it was a necessary evil he had to face
> regularly.

Hmmmmm, interesting, interesting

> 	"I'll meet you in the produce section, Flats," Sarc
> said monotonously.

Monotonously!?

> He made his was to the
> aisle with the Fig Newtons and bought his usual 40 packages to
> last him through the week.

*adds this to his wiki page, I guess!?*

> 	"Hey pinhead! Watch my stuff,'' Sarc yelled as he bolted
> to the door. The checkout clerk, flipping a gesture at the ebon-
> and-gold garbed hero, tore open a package of Sarc's Fig Newtons
> and began munching away.

XD

> 	Suddenly, the large man developed a glow around him and
> his features began to melt. Before their very eyes, Sarcastic Lad
> and Flatulence Lad saw the man split into two equally large and
> powerful beings, both of whom eyed the Net-heroes angrily.
> 	"I'm Prymm," hollered one.
> 	"I'm Prahpah," the other wailed.
> 	"And we're gonna smash this stinking punk friend of
> yours and then we're gonna pound you!"

D: Fascinating! I feel like this is probably a parody of something specific.

> Being far too physically inadequate to fight the Emily-Postian
> Powerhouse,

XD

> having relied on his scent-ual powers too much,
> Flats was pummelled severely while Sarcastic Lad, being the far
> greater combatant (having needed to learn as a result of his powers)

Yeah, that makes sense.

> 	Sarcastic Lad rushed to his fallen partner's aide, fearing
> he was too late to save his gastronomic good buddy.
> 	Flats lay beaten, his boyish face bloodied by repeated
> blows from Prymm's hammerlike fists.

D: Jesus fuck, having someone just mundanely beaten to death feels oddly harsh.

> 	"Ya gotta ... get them guys, Sarc .... Ya gotta avenge ..
> cough cough* ... me," Flats said, as a feeble gaseous pop
> escaped him. "Prom ... mise me ... stay with the Leeg ...
> they'll be good for ya, Sarc ... promise me ... -promise me-
> .... pardon ... m-m-meeeeeeee ......."

Holy fucking shit. This was somehow darker than I expected???

> 	"Damn you Prymm and Prahpah!" He wailed. "If it takes me
> a thousand years, I'll hunt you down and make you pay!!! Do you
> hear me!!!! I'm gonna staple your butts to your faces!!!!!!!
> And I'm gonna do it for Flats!!!!! This boy won't have died
> for nothing!!!!!!!!! I get you!!!!!"

...was this ever followed up on

> 	Prymm and Prahpah skulked quietly from the room. Mr. B
> swung about in his chair, laughing to himself menacingly.
> In the light, it was revealed the identity of the man who wanted
> to end the life of Sarcastic Lad.
> 	There, in the shadows of a New York City office, sat
> Patrick Buchanan! The most dangerous ex-candidate in the world.

Boy, y'all hadn't seen *anything* yet.

> Suddenly an explosion rocked the LNH HQ! Sidewinder shouted, "I think I saw
> Invisible Incendiary heading towards Flatulence Lad's quarters! By the way,
> anyone wanna play quarters? I know this great bar over on chatsubo...."
> As everyone but Sidewinder (who had inexplicably gotten onto the topic of
> fishbowls) ran to the site of the explosion, they saw what happens when a
> gas main bursts. The room was charred and empty, and Flats was nowhere to be
> seen. Had he died, or just been blown into another news.group? And since this
> wasn't even being crossposted to a.c.lnh was it even canon, such as canon was?
> Dave Van Domelen, fast enough fer ya, guys?

Fascinating. X3

Drew "but what was this in response to" Nilium