LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #281: Electrocutioner's Song Part Four

[Drew Nilium]

On 4/2/23 5:32 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Are there wedding bells in Acton Lord and Bambi's
> future?!  Will the Ultimate Ninja COMA singing hits CD ever
> come out?!  And will the pizza Cliche Dude is delivering to Chair
> have extra sausage?!

I think that's a cliche from a different genre *eyes emoji*

> Will Acton Lord Prime be able to stop the whole
> Acton Lord/Bambi marriage?!

Imagining an homage to the Doc Ock/Aunt May wedding cover. X>

> +-----------------------------+---------------------------+
> |  Marvel Zombie Lad in the   |   Come to the Caldron of  |
> |        \\|//   Nonsense     |   confusion catalyst of   |
> |        +++++   Files!!      |   catastrophe!  You shall |
> |        (X X)                |   make the make if you    |
> |       <  C  >               |   take the take, but in   |
> |      --| O |---             |   finality you shall not  |
> |     /  \___/   \            |   return from your state  |
> |   oooo|  |* \oooo           |   Until the shining day   |
> |    \__O  |* O__/            |   when the fateful        |
> |       |  |*  |              |   signature falls to the  |
> |       ===MZL==              |   ending of endings and   |
> |       |     5|              |   that one who side       |
> |       |  __ 0|              |   route takes shall know  |
> |       |  || 1|              |   thee in pure ecstacy.   |
> |       |  || s|              |   Imposter child of       |
> |       /  ||  \              |   success make a notion   |
> |     _[___][___]_            |   and dance the dance     |
> |    (     )(     )           |   of impending doom!!     |
> |     ~~~~~  ~~~~~            |    LNH (c) 1992           |
> +-----------------------------+---------------------------+

Now *that's* a nonsense file! :D I like that he's wearing 501s.

>                      "A song for the REBEL CLEFF"

Ooooh, good pun.

> Bambi rose determined and much more directed
> than ever before.  She moved with purpose, as if she possessed intelligence.
> She looked at Acton Lord as she opened the door to the main control center.  A
> look of disgust swept across her face as he snorted, then moving into the other
> room she went about an entirely different business.

Ahhhhh, I love the subversion and playing around. n.n

>       "I'm turning Ninja-ese, yes, I'm turning Ninja-ese, I really think
> so..."

X3

>       Ultimate Ninja in an attempt to get out of the mess he had been put in
> was on the edge of his repetoir, when he realized that all this time he had
> been singing the wrong songs, so he decided to take a different path.
> The accompaniment was light and sweet, with an undertone of mystery.
> 
>       "I need a place where I can go.
>       Where I can whisper what I know
>          Where I can whisper who I like
>          and where I go to see them.

oooooooh interesting. :o

>       I need a place to spend the day
>       Where no one says to go or stay
>       Where I can take my pen and draw
>       the Ninja I mean to be."
> 
>       The commanding COMA voice was quelled and in a curious voice asked,
> "What exactly was that song?!"

Yes indeed :o Very interesting.

> Ultimate Ninja was too tired to respond to the voice and the two LNHers
> lingered in the darkness, for once it was quiet.  Except for an occasional,
> "C'mon I need to get that CD!",  "Please tell me"
>       The ninja answered him not.  Marvel Zombie Lad just sat there.

This feels more ninja-ish than a lot of things, I like it.

>       Cliche Dude held a large pizza in front of his face, and walked up to
> the door.  Lurking Girl lurked in the background and Rebel Yell, the
> unconscious Pizza delivery boy, Frothing at the Mouth Lad and Occultism Kid
> were all scrunched in the little pizza delivery car.  Obscure Trivia Lad and
> the Marvel Zombie Lads were all hiding behind and in and around the many trees
> on the lot.  There were quite a few.

I love this imagery. X>

>       "You know this is crazy!"  Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad (from now on
> Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad will be known as FAT-Mouth Lad for convenience)

XD

> "One well placed nuke and we're all toasted sardines in a can!"
>       "Listen, One well-placed Nuke and we're all toast in the county so
> shut up!" Rebel Yell was losing his patience.

X3 I mean, it's a good point

>       Cliche Dude gave her the pizza and quoted Chair a price.  Chair took
> the pizza and closed the door and locked it.  Cliche Dude walked back to the
> car, satisfied that he had done a nice job and was considering a serious career
> change.  Rebel Yell stared in amazement.
>       "You idiot!  You were supposed to attack and then keep the door open so
> that we could get in and get Table."
>       "Are you kidding!?  Look at the tip she gave me!"  Cliche Dude held up
> a 5 dollar bill.  "Besides, I think Lurking Girl lurked in while we were
> talking."
>       "Oh Great!  Lurking Girl is in there alone!?"  Rebel Yell began to pull
> his hair out.  "If she gets hurt I'll wring your neck!"

God, this is good banter. X3

>       List Lad was certain that all was under control, so he sat down to the
> console and prepared another lecture for the weak-willed less-experienced
> RosterwReam.

X3

>       "Fourth ... " List Lad rambled on. He liked to here the sound of his
> own voice.  "Loyalty!  You must demonstrate unfailing loyalty to me! BLAH BLAH
> BLAH"

XD XD XD

>       RosterwReam didn't want to sit down and listen to this.  He had the
> universe to save, the roster could wait.  He could do the roster some other
> time!  SideWinder had some explaining to do.  You just don't accidentally push
> the genescrambler button, you have to set it up and unlock the priority.
> RosterwReam realized that something fishy was going on, and he had best find
> SideWinder and make him explain.  Now how was he going to get List Lad off
> his case?
>       "Sixteenth.  Oral Hygiene.  BLAH BLAH BLAH..."

*giggles*


>       These computers are awfully advanced for this particular era.  Bambi
> thought.  But for me they are no problem.

You know, despite being from a future era, I feel like I might have a hard time 
with the miniutae of a thirty-year-old system. X>

>       "Who are you!?  And what are you doing tampering with my computer?"
> Acton Lord demanded to know.
>       "Uh I wanted to play that Mario game.  He's so cute...  "  Bambi said
> in bimbo language.
>       Just then the computer voice went off.  "Ten seconds to complete
> systems annihilation."
>       "What's that mean Acton Love?"  Bambi shrugged.

Ghehehe. X>

>       "I know!" he turned to MZL.  "I will try to use my oriental telepathic
> skills to try and contact Rebel Yell.

Hmmmmm X>;

>       Table sat at a table by his lover Chair.  They snorkled the pizza when

Snorkled??? X3

>       Just then Lurking Girl materialized with a large lump of lurk on her
> fist the shape of a knife, which she stabbed into Table's head.  "Taste the
> Totality of my Lurking abilities focussed into one Lurking Knife."  she said as
> she towered over the unconcious figure of the now disentegrating Table.

heeheeheehee

>       Parking Karma Kid pointed his finger at the Zteam's red pickup.
> Inconspicuously.  Just then the parking break went out.

Ooooooh. I didn't know he had that power. :o I guess it makes sense, tho... 
*adds it to the wiki*

>       Halls smiled.  He had taken enough abuse and swallowing his cough drop
> and then snorting it up his nose, he managed to lodge it in the barrel of Z's
> gun.

X3 That would hurt a lot!

>       "In my day when we had a gun up our nose we just took it like a man!
> None of this confangled cough drop crap!"  whined Old Comics Man.

X3

>       Mr. World was livid.  He was going to swear!  He yelled at
> CheeseCake-Eater Lad. "Why you GOT DOWN SAT ON A BENCH!!"  Typo Lad pointed at
> Mr. World as the words came out a bit different than he had expected.

XD

>       "Yew Cannut ssware on thiss comick!  Thiss issnut ACROPUKE!"  Typo Lad
> declared.  Mr. World pouted vehemently.

Man, remember when swearing was edgy and crude?

>       Z began to recover from the groin attack and was immediately put into
> a trance by Dada Dude, who blasted him with his chaoticizer rays.

I honestly have no idea who Dada Dude was before he was the GreenRingWraith. Was 
he a member of the LNH?

>       Sarcastic Lad made an observation.  "Oh!  This was a challenging Fight!
> What is your problem!?"  He looked at the comatose ninja.
>       "Well, I think it sorta depends on who is writing what."  Myk-El
> observed.  "It has sorta varied like that."

True that. X>

>       "In my time, when we had a guy bleeding on the ground in a coma we took
> him to a hospital!"  Old Comics Man said in disgust.  All the heroes looked at
> each other with the same why-didn't-I-think-of-that look and picked up the
> Comatose Ultimate Ninja and Z and headed for the LNH.Hospital.

X3 Well.

>       "GrandPa? "  Acton Lord had found her.  "I think you have some
> exposition work to do."  Acton Lord was fuming.  He leveled the Energy Cannon
> at Bambi and said... "Come on, Tell me your real name! SING!"

Look, Ultimate Ninja's been doing plenty of that already.

>       "Luri, Its time I told you..."  Just then Rebel Yell's eyes went blank,
> and he continued, singing...
>       "I write the songs that make the young girls cry!  I write the songs
> that ..."

omg X3

>       Ultimate Ninja concentrated a bit and then he reached his mind.  Rebel
> Yell I am caught in a weird dimesion...  The communication was corrupted.
> Manilow songs?!  Wait!  I was not sending those thoughts!  Something is
> interfering.

I see. X>

>       Z looked around for his gun.  There was none.  The chaoticizer beams
> must have evaporated it.  He smiled and said.  "Now, Calm down here."
> Nervously Z backed up.  "We can work it out."
>       Just then the Electrocutioner cut in.  "Tears for Fears!  I know that
> one!"

X3

>       "SING!  SING AND DANCE!"  said the voice.
>       Ultimate Ninja and Marvel Zombie Lad sat back for the show as Z began
> to sing and dance.
> 
>       "Charleston, Charleston, Made in Carolina..."

Astounding.

>       "I am Miss Multitask!  I have come to stop you from destroying the LNH!
> In my time line you managed to destroy practically everything, and this time
> you will not succeed."  Miss Multitask pointed her finger at Acton Lord
> accusingly.  "My grandfather is Multitasking Lad!"

Geez, Lurking Girl complains about people messing up her name all the time but...

> I am afraid this is good bye.  You shall never get out of here alive
> with that disk of my computer systems!  And besides I never liked you
> Grandpapa!  Anyhow!  I am more brilliant than you and ..."
> 
>       Acton Lord had gone a bit too long winded as the Transmatter picked out
> Miss Multitask and she appeared safely in the LNH.HQ.
> 
>       "Drat!  I have got to remember this always happens when I decide to
> have a discussion before killing someone..."

Ghehehehe.

>       Big.City Mall a crowd of children began to congregate.  Sig.File Lad,
> Catalyst Lass, and Time Waster Lad were almost drowning in children.  Each
> demanding an autograph.  Organic Lass was doing Valley Girl impressions.
> Browsing Boy was browsing through the children deciding which to sign first.
Is he signing... the children o3o; This is cute tho

> Kid Anarky was in the video Arcade.  He had duped some fanchildren out of a
> couple of quarters and he had to play the new LNH videogame!

Oh my god. X3

> California Kid and Doc Stomper were hanging off of the
> weird ceiling decoration they always have in malls trying to avoid the
> clamouring children.
>       "We need reinforcements fast!"  Doc Stomper Yelled across the com.link.
> "Send anyone to bail us out!"

Yeah, Dr. Stomper feels like he'd do badly with kids. X>

>       Plot King slammed Manga Man.  The Akira Wave generator was dead, but
> who said he couldn't have a bit of fun.

It just keeps going. X>

> +-----------------------+   +---------------------------------+
> |  LNH Action Figures   |   | Ah, little hunks of plastic,    |
> |    in the nonsense    |   | who would have thought you would|
> |              file     |   | cause so much trouble?  Not     |
> |    o   v     _        |   | since credit cards were invented|
> |    X   A     P  o     |   | has so much strife been the     |
> |  m   e     n    L     |   | result of hunks of plastic.     |
> |  H' `$'    Z  c    r  |   |    But the bill will soon come  |
> |    b    q   _/^\_  P  |   | due....                         |
> |   *I-   M     H    ^  |   +---------------------------------+
> |    ^    |\    |L      |
> |  only $4.95!!!!       |
> +-----------------------+

The collectability scale is off the charts!

> COVER:  A veritable sea of Acton Lords and Marvel Zombie Lads, all looking
> rather confused.

Wonderful.

>       "Guys, I'd like you to meet Miss Multitask.  She's from the future too,"
> said Contraption Man, grinning ear to ear.  "I installed her Amiga 9000 neural
> interface computer....it lets her open up to 6 * 10^23 windows at once!
> Granted, there aren't that many systems on the net yet, but she has room to
> grow."

Oooooh ahhhhh

>       "What brings you here?" asked Parking Karma Kid, while in the background
> Reb could be seen with a disgusted look and the thought bubble "Barry Manilow?"

X3 Love it.

>       "Well, the history files show that Acton Lord managed to kill most of you
> for good sometime this month."  She waited for the shocked gasps to die down
> then continued,

Business as usual

>       "So, is he a goer, nudge-nudge?" asked someone in the crowd.  Everyone
> else went "Ewwwwwww....." at that, and looked to see if Bad-Timing Boy was in
> this scene.

X3

>       "Look over there, by the van," commanded Manga Man.  "See her?  She's FROM
> THE FUTURE!!!!"
>       "NO!  Not that!" gasped Plot King.
>       "Yes, tool of the style manuals!  And you know as well as I do what she's
> here for!  She's come to change her past!  And thus make a future come to pass
> in which she NEVER COMES HERE SO SHE DIDN'T CHANGE THE PAST SO SHE HAD TO COME
> BACK...."
>       "Lalalala...I can't hear you!"

*giggles*

>       Manga Man's grin spread as he stood and advanced on the reeling Plot King.
> "And did you know you can read manga forward and backward equally well?"
>       "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!!!!!!"

I assume this comes from the read-right-to-left thing, and weird 90s 
interpretations thereof. X>

>       "Who are you?  Why are you trying to impersonate me?" demanded Acton Lord.
>       "I'm Acton Lord.  Or to be more precise, PrimeClone Acton Lord, one of the
> few backups of Our Father that wasn't corrupted by the Destroyer, Sig.Lad,
> after Our Father was destroyed in the Kinda Big Darkness Saga."

Here we go, Dave comes in with the heavy-duty "making the nonsense into 
interesting worldbuilding/character stuff".

>       In REC.ORG.SCA, the X-Over Men were having difficulty getting the
> attention of their Queen.  "But madame!  We must act now while the confusion is
> ripe and a crossover exists for us to exploit!"
>       "Just a minute, lemme finish this thread," said Crossover Queen as the
> thread she was reading lengthened exponentially.

Oh, that's familiar. X>

>       "I have an idea," replied Multipl-X.  "Although Crossover Queen won't give
> us the Ring of Retconn, she's so engrossed by the postings that she'd never
> notice if we used it while it remained on her hand.  Of course, she wouldn't
> leave here, since she wishes to remain, but we could escape."
>       "Good plan!  Now concentrate, everybody!"

Hmmmmm, fascinating...

>       Sufferyng was not happy.  He had completed his part in Acton Lord's scheme
> of vengeance, but had been unable to do anything about his *personal* vendetta
> against the LNH, destroyers of his past, present, future and subjunctive.

X3

>       Sufferyng brooded.  The brooded some more.  Then amused himself opening
> cans of Spaghetti-O's with the spikes of his armor.  But nothing helped his
> mood.

*giggles*

>       "I *was* Sig.Lad, but I am now the instrument of your destruction...
> SIG.POCALYPSE!"  And with that, he formed lots of spikey thingies on his fist
> and hammered on Sufferyng, unharmed by the horrific assembly of blades on that
> worthy's armor....

That's very silly. X>

>       "Did you know that the height of this cell in microinches is exactly the
> number of seconds of play time you get from the entire Pink Floyd discography?"
> mused Mr. World.
>       The other two proceded to pelt him with Fig Newtons (which were all they
> were given to eat in the holding cell).

That's even sillier. X3

>       "Yeah, but to do that to Acton Lord while he slept?  Even *he* doesn't
> deserve that..." started List Lad.
>       "Shhh....  The readers don't know about that.

:D

>       "Yeah," started Contraption Lad.  "Do you still hate being called
> Taskani?"
>       Miss Multitask poured herself a cup of coffee, advanced to level three on
> Net.Man-The Video Game and about a jillion other things while she calmly poured
> the remaining coffee in the carafe in Contraption Man's lap.  "Yes, in fact, I
> do Conty," replied MMT while Contraption Lad quickly engaged his force shields.

X3

>       "So, what is Acton Lord up to now?" asked Reb.
>       "Hopefully, his systems are so screwed that he's out of the picture.
> However, there's still Mr. Minister to watch out for."
>       Everyone said in unison, "Who?"

Oh dear. X>

>       "Practice.  When you don't rely on Big Guns and Cosmic Plot Doohickeys you
> learn to use your natural talents...which are all a true villain needs.  That
> which is corrupted can be uncorrupted by simply corrupting the timestream and
> reversing whatever corrupted the object in the first place.  It's also a handy
> way to recruit henchmen...find a very powerful person in the future who was
> somehow slighted by the LNH and warp his timeline to the here and now.  After
> all, with all these heroes from the future, it only fighting fire with fire."

I'm impressed by how quickly Dave grew into his talents. :>

>       "Well, when I was checking out future time indices for any GIFs that might
> have escaped mutation, I spotted Miss Multitask.  At that point I was hit by a
> stroke of sheer genius and devised the perfect weapon to use against her.  Just
> push the button marked L...."

:o

> Sufferyng's
> weapons lay scattered about broken, melted or...eaten?

Well. X>
>       "I want to make sure you don't look like Table," replied Sig.pocalypse,
> pulling off the wickedly bladed helmet.  And beneath it....
>       ...a rubber monkey mask.
>       "OH no you don't!  I've seen the Prisoner too!  Well, you can forget about
> me pulling off *that* mask.

X3

>       SP turned, and saw that Sufferyng's base was in fact one of the
> Conveniently Vacated Buildings across from LNHQ.  That would explain how he
> popped in so suddenly (tm).

XD

>       "Sidewinder, what's wrAHWHIGEQP(YUIDGHIS HIFGHGDASJHKGSKJHGFD!!!!"
>       Sidewinder had cut loose with twin powerbeams from his hands, cutting
> Sig.Pocalypse down.

I love that it just cuts loose with the keysmash. X>

>       "Fool!  I ALWAYS had powerbeams!  For is that not the major power of..."
> <Sidewinder rips off his uniform, revealing another underneath (which wouldn't
> all have fit under the Sidewinder costume, BTW)>
>       "...the GOLDEN AGE ACTON LORD!!!!!!"

X3

>       "b-but...how long...where is real sidewinder..."
>       "There never was any Sidewinder but me!  I can back into the past,
> disguised as a new Net.Hero, to do my dirty work!  It was *I* who killed
> Flatulance Lad, not Invisible Incendiary!  And..."

This is an impressive per-word density of things that will need to be retconned.

>       "Ho!  What is this!  The completion of foreshadowing and a LONG RANGE
> PLOT???  I sense that the writer had actually PLANNED this out weeks ago, when
> he wrote his "Death of Flats" story!  My power is once again restored!  HA!"
> exulted Plot King.

:D

>       "That must be Sig.Lad annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddd.........." trailed
> off Taskani.
>       The explosion outside was forgotten as every red-blooded male member of
> the LNH rushed to Taskani's aid.  "What's wrong?" asked Parking Karma Kid.
>       "Heh.  Serves her right for using an Amiga," chortled Sarcastic Lad.
>       "Wait, I know this affliction," said M-TM.  "She's LAGGED!"
>       "WHAT?" spat Contraption Man.  "On all 10^24 windows?  This can only be
> caused by Acton Lord!  It's the ULTIMATE LAG!"

GASP!!! Man, you could do something neat with this concept...

>       Kid Anarky had finished his video game and was sneaking out the back of
> the mall to make it back to Integrity Quest on time when he noticed something
> odd.  The mall was...bulging.  And not metaphorically, it really was bulging at
> the seams!  Peering through the doors, he saw the entire roster of the LNH that
> was ever written about had arrived at the mall, along with hundreds of fanboy
> little kids!  Even DEAD members were there!  How could this be?  It was like
> some Crossover Gone Wrong!  Suddenly (reverted to public domain, drat it all)
> in a rather cheesy BBC-type special effect, the Mall reached Critical Mass and
> pulled in on itself, like a black hole....  All that remained was a hole with
> pipes cut off at the edge.

XD Holy shit.

>       In COMA, Ultimate Ninja was about to throttle Mr. Z rather than listen to
> his exactly-a-flattened-fifth-out-of-key voice another second,

X3

>       An entire mall full of people, along with the entire membership of the LNH
> (editor's note:  most of them are really X-Over Men)

Ahhhhh, okay.

>       "Oh, goody!  Now we an do A Chorus Line!" cackled the Electrocutioner.
>       As the Electrocutioner began to give directions ("line up shortest to
> tallest..."), the view pulls back...and back...and back until we see the whole
> scene on a giant viewer.  In shadow is a figure at a microphone, giving the
> stage directions.  A small light shines on the scores he has in front of him.
> As he reaches to flip a page, his hand comes in view and we see a very familiar
> braided sleeve design....

:o Now what's this about...

> Next Week:  Okay, will probably just post the Eggplant Mini...

Oh, that makes sense. n.n <3

Drew "what a lovely spring" Nilium