LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #281: Electrocutioner's Song Part Four
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Apr 2 14:32:38 PDT 2023
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
And here's where you can find Electrocutioner's Song as well as other
LNH Crossovers:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Crossovers/
And its the next parts of -- The Electrocutioner's Song!
The Writers for this Crossover are:
Jef "The KaTeFan(tm)" Kolodziej
Todd "Scavenger" Kogutt
Dave "Dvandom" Van Domelen
and Raymond "wReam" Bingham
First Off we have Ultimate Ninja #2 by Raymond "wReam" Bingham
(Part Seven)! Are there wedding bells in Acton Lord and Bambi's
future?! Will the Ultimate Ninja COMA singing hits CD ever
come out?! And will the pizza Cliche Dude is delivering to Chair
have extra sausage?!
And Finally we have CRISIS OF INFINITE CLONES #2 by Dave "Dvandom"
Van Domelen! Will Acton Lord Prime be able to stop the whole
Acton Lord/Bambi marriage?! Will Sufferyng ever find happiness?!
And can the complete roster of the LNH cause a Mall to bulge (I
mean there weren't THAT many members back in '92)?!
Find out in...
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #281
=====================
Electrocutioner's Song Part Four
=====================
+-----------------------------+---------------------------+
| Marvel Zombie Lad in the | Come to the Caldron of |
| \\|// Nonsense | confusion catalyst of |
| +++++ Files!! | catastrophe! You shall |
| (X X) | make the make if you |
| < C > | take the take, but in |
| --| O |--- | finality you shall not |
| / \___/ \ | return from your state |
| oooo| |* \oooo | Until the shining day |
| \__O |* O__/ | when the fateful |
| | |* | | signature falls to the |
| ===MZL== | ending of endings and |
| | 5| | that one who side |
| | __ 0| | route takes shall know |
| | || 1| | thee in pure ecstacy. |
| | || s| | Imposter child of |
| / || \ | success make a notion |
| _[___][___]_ | and dance the dance |
| ( )( ) | of impending doom!! |
| ~~~~~ ~~~~~ | LNH (c) 1992 |
+-----------------------------+---------------------------+
* * * * * * * * * *
Electrocutioner's Song #7
"A song for the REBEL CLEFF"
Bambi, Acton Lord's date pulled herself from the villain's side. He
snoozed soundly, his shirt opened to reveal a scar about where a surgeon would
have cut to remove an appendix. Bambi rose determined and much more directed
than ever before. She moved with purpose, as if she possessed intelligence.
She looked at Acton Lord as she opened the door to the main control center. A
look of disgust swept across her face as he snorted, then moving into the other
room she went about an entirely different business.
"Access files on Z-Team." Bambi scanned them studiously. All of Acton
Lord's extensive research was here. "Where is that reference to the weapon. I
need it, before Acton Love wakes from the toxin I stuck in his drink." Bambi
obviously was no ordinary bimbo, in fact, who was she!? "Sure was nice of
Acton Lord to disclose his plans to me. I'm sure my friends at LNH.HQ would
love to know of his plans."
* * * * * *
"I'm turning Ninja-ese, yes, I'm turning Ninja-ese, I really think
so..."
Ultimate Ninja in an attempt to get out of the mess he had been put in
was on the edge of his repetoir, when he realized that all this time he had
been singing the wrong songs, so he decided to take a different path.
The accompaniment was light and sweet, with an undertone of mystery.
"I need a place where I can go.
Where I can whisper what I know
Where I can whisper who I like
and where I go to see them.
I need a place where I can hide
where no one sees my life inside
Where I can make my plans and write them down
So I can read them
A place where I can bid my heart be still
And it will mind me
A place where I can go when I am lost
and there I'll find me
I need a place to spend the day
Where no one says to go or stay
Where I can take my pen and draw
the Ninja I mean to be."
The commanding COMA voice was quelled and in a curious voice asked,
"What exactly was that song?!"
Ultimate Ninja sat down on the bench beside Marvel Zombie Lad, he was
exhausted beyond any other battle. Where was Sing-a-Long Lass when you needed
her. Ultimate Ninja was too tired to respond to the voice and the two LNHers
lingered in the darkness, for once it was quiet. Except for an occasional,
"C'mon I need to get that CD!", "Please tell me"
The ninja answered him not. Marvel Zombie Lad just sat there.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Cliche Dude held a large pizza in front of his face, and walked up to
the door. Lurking Girl lurked in the background and Rebel Yell, the
unconscious Pizza delivery boy, Frothing at the Mouth Lad and Occultism Kid
were all scrunched in the little pizza delivery car. Obscure Trivia Lad and
the Marvel Zombie Lads were all hiding behind and in and around the many trees
on the lot. There were quite a few.
"You know this is crazy!" Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad (from now on
Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad will be known as FAT-Mouth Lad for convenience)
protested. "One well placed nuke and we're all toasted sardines in a can!"
"Listen, One well-placed Nuke and we're all toast in the county so
shut up!" Rebel Yell was losing his patience.
Cliche Dude rang the doorbell. "Pizza Delivery. For a Mr. Ploterror
Man. C'mon open up! I got another 3 pizzas to deliver and they're gettin
cold, mister!"
"Pizza!" Chair ran to the door and opened it. "How much do I owe
you?"
Cliche Dude gave her the pizza and quoted Chair a price. Chair took
the pizza and closed the door and locked it. Cliche Dude walked back to the
car, satisfied that he had done a nice job and was considering a serious career
change. Rebel Yell stared in amazement.
"You idiot! You were supposed to attack and then keep the door open so
that we could get in and get Table."
"Are you kidding!? Look at the tip she gave me!" Cliche Dude held up
a 5 dollar bill. "Besides, I think Lurking Girl lurked in while we were
talking."
"Oh Great! Lurking Girl is in there alone!?" Rebel Yell began to pull
his hair out. "If she gets hurt I'll wring your neck!"
* * * * *
List Lad was certain that all was under control, so he sat down to the
console and prepared another lecture for the weak-willed less-experienced
RosterwReam.
"Now RwR you need to follow these points if you want to succeed as my
sidekick: First, your first responsibility is the Roster. How long has it
been since last the roster was updated?! Why we will have non-stop continuity
errors if the update doesn't get posted soon! You are to keep it current. Why
can't you stay indoors and do nothing but the roster, like a good little
sidekick..."
RosterwReam's mind began to wander. What was going on? Something
awfully weird was going on and well, that thingy Sidewinder did lacked a lot of
sense. The computer screens whizzed in front of RosterwReam. What was that
over there? It looked like someone was trying to establish another uplink with
Drizztsat. RosterwReam wondered what would happen if he tried such a bold
manuever with the LNH computer... He would have to get back to that.
"Fourth ... " List Lad rambled on. He liked to here the sound of his
own voice. "Loyalty! You must demonstrate unfailing loyalty to me! BLAH BLAH
BLAH"
RosterwReam didn't want to sit down and listen to this. He had the
universe to save, the roster could wait. He could do the roster some other
time! SideWinder had some explaining to do. You just don't accidentally push
the genescrambler button, you have to set it up and unlock the priority.
RosterwReam realized that something fishy was going on, and he had best find
SideWinder and make him explain. Now how was he going to get List Lad off
his case?
"Sixteenth. Oral Hygiene. BLAH BLAH BLAH..."
* * * * *
* * * *
Bambi flipped the switches that accessed the deepest secrets in Acton
Lord's computers.
These computers are awfully advanced for this particular era. Bambi
thought. But for me they are no problem.
She quickly accessed the information on the Zteam and then pulled out a
silver disk. Write all files. She punched in the code words and bypassed the
ultrafangled security multiplexer circuitry. This was easier than she thought
it would be. She smiled at how things were going.
Just then she stumbled across a hidden director and being the
experienced hacker that she was accessed it with no problems. Hmmmmmm What is
this file on? UNCOMAMZL.ZIP?? Ok so the compression routine was ancient but
there was something about the whole thing that made her extremely curious.
pkunzip UNCOMAMZL.ZIP... She read the contents and as she read her eyes
widened...
"NO!" she said audibly. She then copied the file to the silver disk
and set up the computer for Ultimate FORMAT, destructo. Bambi arose from the
computer keyboard and turned to see Acton Lord stumble into the room holding
his head. Even with the room spinning he could tell what she was up to.
"Who are you!? And what are you doing tampering with my computer?"
Acton Lord demanded to know.
"Uh I wanted to play that Mario game. He's so cute... " Bambi said
in bimbo language.
Just then the computer voice went off. "Ten seconds to complete
systems annihilation."
"What's that mean Acton Love?" Bambi shrugged.
Acton Lord ran to the keyboard and Bambi scooted for the door and out
she went. "What! I can't override the command!? What is this!?" Acton Lord
turned to the empty room and then in desperation blasted the keyboard.
"Systems failure halted. 95% Data corruption. 75% complete loss of
files. 20% complete garbageonification factors on remaining data." The
computer routinely rattled off.
"AAAAAAG! My ZTeam files are all gone! All my Hard Work?! But did
she destroy the most important file?!" Acton Lord frothed in desperation.
"Ahhh! Yes! It is still intact. The UNCOMAMZL.ZIP file is still
complete. Good." Acton Lord smiled and unzipped the file. Looking in at the
control structure. "What is that guy up to!? Oh. Well I am sure I can
corrupt that!!"
"Now I guess I had best go dear hunting. More specifically BAMBI
BLASTING!!!" Acton Lord pulled out a large gun. He reached into a smaller
compartment as it to load it and to his dismay there was nothing inside.
"NO! She stole my Z-Team bullets as well!? Oh well, this energy blaster will
have to do."
* * * * *
Ultimate Ninja sat there as the Electrocutioner prodded. There still
was no response. Ultimate Ninja sat carefully waiting, concentrating.
"I know!" he turned to MZL. "I will try to use my oriental telepathic
skills to try and contact Rebel Yell. Perhaps I can link minds."
"It probably won't work." Marvel Zombie Lad said skeptically.
"You have been here too long." Ultimate Ninja said. He assumed the
ancient chinese meditation pose and began to let his mind fly.
* * * * *
Table's fortress opened up. All the doors simultaneously. Rebel Yell
and the others took the chance to rush through. Quietly, but still as fast as
possible.
Table sat at a table by his lover Chair. They snorkled the pizza when
all of a sudden he realized that one of the main windows had just opened.
"What is it Luvyshnookers?" Chair said innocently.
"The defenses just turned off," Table said arising and moving to the
control room. "Passionplaymate, you had best stay here, but dont eat that last
piece! It's mine." Table climbed the stairs to the control room. No one
visible was there. "Lurking Girl," Table muttered.
Just then Lurking Girl materialized with a large lump of lurk on her
fist the shape of a knife, which she stabbed into Table's head. "Taste the
Totality of my Lurking abilities focussed into one Lurking Knife." she said as
she towered over the unconcious figure of the now disentegrating Table.
Rebel Yell leaped up the stairs to see Table fall to the might of
Lurking Girl. Lurking Girl smiled. "What took you so long?"
"I was worried, luri." Rebel Yell tried to sound official, and not
let his feelings flush through.
"Reb, You worry too much." Lurking Girl smiled as Occultism Kid and
Obscure Trivia Lad brought up the prisoner Chair up to the others. "What have
you done to my cutsey-wutsey-love-stud!?" She cried in anguish.
"Oh it won't last long." Lurking Girl assured her. "Just long enough
to get you two back to headquarters for questioning."
* * * * *
Parking Karma Kid pointed his finger at the Zteam's red pickup.
Inconspicuously. Just then the parking break went out. The Red Pickup rolled
out of the slot it was in and began to pick up speed. It was rolling
wrecklessly down main street.
"Um is that your truck?" smiled CheeseCake Eater Lad.
"Oh my gosh! Our truck!"
The Trump, Tunes and Vince went running after the runaway truck. Z
and Mr. World stayed behind to keep an eye on the LNH group. Z looked at Halls
Jordan and stuck his gun up his nose. "If I find out you are responsible for
that, I will make you pay dearly."
Halls smiled. He had taken enough abuse and swallowing his cough drop
and then snorting it up his nose, he managed to lodge it in the barrel of Z's
gun. Halls then kicked Z in the groin, just as the LNH preservist team began
arriving on their flight-thingies.
"In my day when we had a gun up our nose we just took it like a man!
None of this confangled cough drop crap!" whined Old Comics Man.
"You don't suppose you would be willing to give up!" said CheeseCake
Eater Lad grabbing Mr. World's gun away from him.
Mr. World was livid. He was going to swear! He yelled at
CheeseCake-Eater Lad. "Why you GOT DOWN SAT ON A BENCH!!" Typo Lad pointed at
Mr. World as the words came out a bit different than he had expected.
CheeseCake-Eater Lad smiled and sat on a near by bench resting the gun on his
knee.
"Don't mind if I do."
"Have some FUDGE?" Mr. World suggested as a plate loaded with Fudge
appeared.
"Yew Cannut ssware on thiss comick! Thiss issnut ACROPUKE!" Typo Lad
declared. Mr. World pouted vehemently.
Z began to recover from the groin attack and was immediately put into
a trance by Dada Dude, who blasted him with his chaoticizer rays.
Just then in the distance there was another large CRASH! the Red
Pickup had finally found a resting place in the middle of an intersection.
Vince was pulling himself out of a car. It had smashed him pretty bad
and Trump was weeping hysterically over her truck. Tunes was trying to
control traffic and comfort Trump.
Sarcastic Lad made an observation. "Oh! This was a challenging Fight!
What is your problem!?" He looked at the comatose ninja.
"Well, I think it sorta depends on who is writing what." Myk-El
observed. "It has sorta varied like that."
"What? Now whaddawe do?" Fuzzy asked.
"In my time, when we had a guy bleeding on the ground in a coma we took
him to a hospital!" Old Comics Man said in disgust. All the heroes looked at
each other with the same why-didn't-I-think-of-that look and picked up the
Comatose Ultimate Ninja and Z and headed for the LNH.Hospital. They grabbed
the rest of the Z-team, with the exception of Coach, who never came out of
orbit and locked them up for questioning. Fuzzy, Typo Lad and Old Comics Man
ought to do a great job getting some answers out of the Z-Team, thought
selfappointed leader CheeseCake-Eater Lad.
* * * * *
Bambi rushed through Acton Lords base. She hadn't had time to activate
the LNH's Transmat system, but she had sent out the signal. She hid in an
alcove waiting for it to respond. "C'mon grandpa! Pick it up!"
"GrandPa? " Acton Lord had found her. "I think you have some
exposition work to do." Acton Lord was fuming. He leveled the Energy Cannon
at Bambi and said... "Come on, Tell me your real name! SING!"
* * * * *
Rebel Yell had the time to get Lurking Girl alone, and he had to talk
to her. This was the only way she could ever know his true feelings.
"Luri, Its time I told you..." Just then Rebel Yell's eyes went blank,
and he continued, singing...
"I write the songs that make the young girls cry! I write the songs
that ..."
Lurking Girl looked at Rebel Yell with a raised eyebrow. As he
finished that song. She raised her hand. "You need to rest."
Rebel Yell hit his head, "Where did that come from," then it happened
again. "MAAANNNDY!" he went into another Manilow song.
"Fine! My name is LURKING GIRL! Not Mandy, not Lass! What kind of
joke is this!?" Lurking Girl demanded a note of seriety, but he kept on.
After that song stopped he started another...
"Candles Burning.." Reb tried to sing, but let's face it, he is pretty
tone deaf and was singing dreadfully offkey as well. And his choice of
music... Manilow! YECH! Lurking Girl left Rebel Yell to sing alone.
* * * * *
Ultimate Ninja concentrated a bit and then he reached his mind. Rebel
Yell I am caught in a weird dimesion... The communication was corrupted.
Manilow songs?! Wait! I was not sending those thoughts! Something is
interfering. After 3 songs UN gave up. About the same time, Marvel Zombie
Lad shoved Ultimate Ninja. "Who is this guy?!"
Ultimate Ninja looked up, and sneered. "Z!" Ultimate Ninja challenged,
"Now that your weapon is gone, face me in real combat!"
Z looked around for his gun. There was none. The chaoticizer beams
must have evaporated it. He smiled and said. "Now, Calm down here."
Nervously Z backed up. "We can work it out."
Just then the Electrocutioner cut in. "Tears for Fears! I know that
one!"
Z looked up. "Who are you! Let me out of here! I will get you!"
Ultimate Ninja looked at Marvel Zombie Lad and clapped his hands
together. "That's what you think." both UN and MZL piped in unisom.
"OH Yeah! take this!" He pulled a knife out of his boot and flung it
at the voice. A bolt of lightning struck Z. "ouch."
"SING! SING AND DANCE!" said the voice.
Ultimate Ninja and Marvel Zombie Lad sat back for the show as Z began
to sing and dance.
"Charleston, Charleston, Made in Carolina..."
* * * * *
"I guess I owe you an explanation, after crashing your system. Not to
mention drugging you and taking you for a complete idiot!" the once Bambi
smiled. "I am from the future."
"Gee, big surprise there..."
"I am Miss Multitask! I have come to stop you from destroying the LNH!
In my time line you managed to destroy practically everything, and this time
you will not succeed." Miss Multitask pointed her finger at Acton Lord
accusingly. "My grandfather is Multitasking Lad!"
"Gee, I would have never guessed that either." Acton Lord leveled the
big energy cannon at Miss Multitask. "You don't seriously think I would let
you live? I am afraid this is good bye. You shall never get out of here alive
with that disk of my computer systems! And besides I never liked you
Grandpapa! Anyhow! I am more brilliant than you and ..."
Acton Lord had gone a bit too long winded as the Transmatter picked out
Miss Multitask and she appeared safely in the LNH.HQ.
"Drat! I have got to remember this always happens when I decide to
have a discussion before killing someone..." Acton Lord said dejectedly.
"I had best get prepared for a massive scale onslaught... I mean after the
ZTeam and LNH see what I have done..." he smirked to himself. "And it was
going to be such a beautiful day..."
* * * * *
Big.City Mall a crowd of children began to congregate. Sig.File Lad,
Catalyst Lass, and Time Waster Lad were almost drowning in children. Each
demanding an autograph. Organic Lass was doing Valley Girl impressions.
Browsing Boy was browsing through the children deciding which to sign first.
Kid Anarky was in the video Arcade. He had duped some fanchildren out of a
couple of quarters and he had to play the new LNH videogame! (It had just
arrived that day!) California Kid and Doc Stomper were hanging off of the
weird ceiling decoration they always have in malls trying to avoid the
clamouring children.
"We need reinforcements fast!" Doc Stomper Yelled across the com.link.
"Send anyone to bail us out!"
* * * * *
Plot King slammed Manga Man. The Akira Wave generator was dead, but
who said he couldn't have a bit of fun. Manga Man Launched a barrage of
missiles at the whole Plot King. Just then Parking Karma Kid drove up, with
the rest of the LNH in the flight Van towing a totalled red pickup and a
restrained Zteam.
"EXCUSE ME!" he yelled over the clamor. "Would you mind moving this
junk off the premises when you have finished here?" They waved the vehicle
on. Kids these days! thought PK Kid.
As they entered they were greeted by three characters. One was not
familiar. She looked somewhat like Multitasking Lad, but different.
"Hi, Parking Karma Kid. Meet my friend, Miss Multitask." Said
Contraption Man smiling.
* * * * *
"Stayin Alive Stayin Alive Ah Ah Ah Ah Stayin Alive...."
Disco wasn't dead in COMA.
For a second even Slap.Sig decided to join in. He had appeared there
and then disappeared.
*******************************************************************************
*******************************************************************************
wReam...
+-----------------------+ +---------------------------------+
| LNH Action Figures | | Ah, little hunks of plastic, |
| in the nonsense | | who would have thought you would|
| file | | cause so much trouble? Not |
| o v _ | | since credit cards were invented|
| X A P o | | has so much strife been the |
| m e n L | | result of hunks of plastic. |
| H' `$' Z c r | | But the bill will soon come |
| b q _/^\_ P | | due.... |
| *I- M H ^ | +---------------------------------+
| ^ |\ |L |
| only $4.95!!!! |
+-----------------------+
=============================cut here=============================
CRISIS OF INFINITE CLONES #2 - PART EIGHT OF ELECTROCUTIONER'S SONG
COVER: A veritable sea of Acton Lords and Marvel Zombie Lads, all looking
rather confused.
"Guys, I'd like you to meet Miss Multitask. She's from the future too,"
said Contraption Man, grinning ear to ear. "I installed her Amiga 9000 neural
interface computer....it lets her open up to 6 * 10^23 windows at once!
Granted, there aren't that many systems on the net yet, but she has room to
grow."
"Actually," Miss Multitask admitted somewhat shyly, "I upgraded with some
new software and can do twice that now. Anyway, like Conty said, I'm from the
future."
"What brings you here?" asked Parking Karma Kid, while in the background
Reb could be seen with a disgusted look and the thought bubble "Barry Manilow?"
"Well, the history files show that Acton Lord managed to kill most of you
for good sometime this month." She waited for the shocked gasps to die down
then continued, "Y'see, I came back to try and stop him. I used false ID to
get a job at Bimbos R Us, and mananged to alter the files so when Acton Lord
put in a request for a Bimbo he'd get me."
"So, is he a goer, nudge-nudge?" asked someone in the crowd. Everyone
else went "Ewwwwwww....." at that, and looked to see if Bad-Timing Boy was in
this scene.
"Anyway, the history files show that we break for another plot right now,
so while the readers check that out, I'll fill you in on what I did last
issue," said Miss Multitask.
* * * *
Plot King had Manga Man on the ropes, and was plotting him in spherical
coordinates even. Then a feral grin spread across the mad manga-er's face.
"Look over there, by the van," commanded Manga Man. "See her? She's FROM
THE FUTURE!!!!"
"NO! Not that!" gasped Plot King.
"Yes, tool of the style manuals! And you know as well as I do what she's
here for! She's come to change her past! And thus make a future come to pass
in which she NEVER COMES HERE SO SHE DIDN'T CHANGE THE PAST SO SHE HAD TO COME
BACK...."
"Lalalala...I can't hear you!" Plot King was getting desperate. Time
Travelers had the ability to completely hash the rules of cause and effect that
are the basis of a sequential plot.
Manga Man's grin spread as he stood and advanced on the reeling Plot King.
"And did you know you can read manga forward and backward equally well?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!!!!!!"
* * * *
Acton Lord looked over he trashed computer and sighed.
"Well, you've certainly screwed things up, my clone," said a voice behind
Acton Lord.
He whirled about and pointed his Big Gun at the voice of...Acton Lord???
"Look at you! A disgrace to the GIF file! Carrying Big Guns instead of
using your net.power! Hiring bimbos from temp agencies! Shame on you. It's a
good thing I decided to intervene, or you'd cock everything up.
"Who are you? Why are you trying to impersonate me?" demanded Acton Lord.
"I'm Acton Lord. Or to be more precise, PrimeClone Acton Lord, one of the
few backups of Our Father that wasn't corrupted by the Destroyer, Sig.Lad,
after Our Father was destroyed in the Kinda Big Darkness Saga."
"Clones? What are you talking about? *I* am the one and only Acton Lord!
*I* am the one who assembled the most futuristic computer system in the
world..."
"And let some fake Bimbo trash it...."
"Er, and *I* found information inaccessible to any outside the
Intelligencia about the Z-Team..."
"Which same 'bimbo' stole...."
"Um, and I hired the Z-Team to kill Ultimate Ninja..."
"Who is in a COMA while the Z-Team is on ice or otherwise out of action.
face it, you've blown every plan you conceived of."
"I still have a copy of UNCOMAMZL.ZIP..." ventured Acton Lord weakly.
"Which really screwed up *MY* plans when Miss Multitask stole it! You
stupid clone...."
"I'm not a clone, I tell you!" protested Acton Lord.
"Oh yes? Tell me, when was you appendix removed?"
"Er, back in Seize Dangerous...which I might add was a VERY successful
plot! I corrupted wReam!"
"But you failed to follow up on it, fool. And the *real* Acton Lord had
his appendix out when he was five years old!"
* * * *
In REC.ORG.SCA, the X-Over Men were having difficulty getting the
attention of their Queen. "But madame! We must act now while the confusion is
ripe and a crossover exists for us to exploit!"
"Just a minute, lemme finish this thread," said Crossover Queen as the
thread she was reading lengthened exponentially.
Memor-X turned to Multipl-X. "This is dire. We lack the power to compel
her to leave this place, or even to leave ourselves. What can we do? We're
missing out on lucrative crossover opportunities!"
"I have an idea," replied Multipl-X. "Although Crossover Queen won't give
us the Ring of Retconn, she's so engrossed by the postings that she'd never
notice if we used it while it remained on her hand. Of course, she wouldn't
leave here, since she wishes to remain, but we could escape."
"Good plan! Now concentrate, everybody!"
The X-Over Men concentrated and in a page of nifty FX disappeared,
reappearing at the entrance of the Big.City Mall, in the forms of Rebel Yell,
Parking Karma Kid, Sarcastic Lad, Lurking Girl and Marvel_Zombie Lad.
"Rebel Yell" called out across the mall, "Y'all call for reinforcements?"
* * * *
Sufferyng was not happy. He had completed his part in Acton Lord's scheme
of vengeance, but had been unable to do anything about his *personal* vendetta
against the LNH, destroyers of his past, present, future and subjunctive.
Sufferyng brooded. The brooded some more. Then amused himself opening
cans of Spaghetti-O's with the spikes of his armor. But nothing helped his
mood.
Suddenly (tm), there was a crackle of ozone and a glowing sphere appeared.
Sufferyng instinctively threw the can of Spaghetti-O's at it, just as a figure
emerged.
The orangey pasta struck Slap.Sig square on the shnozz.
"AAHHHH!!! At last! Thank you, Sufferyng! The preservatives in that can
of noodles stabilized my condition slightly! Now I can concentrate on HURTING
YOU REALLY BAD!"
Sufferyng yelped as he dodged a huge fist that stretched out from the
former Slap.Sig. "What are you?" he whined.
"I *was* Sig.Lad, but I am now the instrument of your destruction...
SIG.POCALYPSE!" And with that, he formed lots of spikey thingies on his fist
and hammered on Sufferyng, unharmed by the horrific assembly of blades on that
worthy's armor....
* * * *
"I know, I'll use my ninja skills to break us out!" beamed Tunes.
"Shut up! You're not a real ninja!" shouted Trump. "Damn heroes, broke
my truck...I'll get them for that...."
"Did you know that the height of this cell in microinches is exactly the
number of seconds of play time you get from the entire Pink Floyd discography?"
mused Mr. World.
The other two proceded to pelt him with Fig Newtons (which were all they
were given to eat in the holding cell).
* * * *
"So, that's about all you need to know about what I was doing before this
issue," concluded Miss Multitask.
"Yeah, but to do that to Acton Lord while he slept? Even *he* doesn't
deserve that..." started List Lad.
"Shhh.... The readers don't know about that. Any other questions?"
"Yeah," started Contraption Lad. "Do you still hate being called
Taskani?"
Miss Multitask poured herself a cup of coffee, advanced to level three on
Net.Man-The Video Game and about a jillion other things while she calmly poured
the remaining coffee in the carafe in Contraption Man's lap. "Yes, in fact, I
do Conty," replied MMT while Contraption Lad quickly engaged his force shields.
"So, what is Acton Lord up to now?" asked Reb.
"Hopefully, his systems are so screwed that he's out of the picture.
However, there's still Mr. Minister to watch out for."
Everyone said in unison, "Who?"
* * * *
"Okay, I'll concede that I'm not the original Acton Lord. I've had this
inferiority complex ever since I..."
"Shh. Readers are back. No need to give too much of our background yet.
In any case, allow me to start cleaning up the mess 'Bambi' left." PCAL
(PrimeClone Acton Lord) waved his hands at the computer console and it hummed
back into life.
++ Systems at 98%...files uncorrupted...performing self-check... ++
"H-how did you do that?" asked a visibly shaken wRAL (wReamed Acton Lord).
"Practice. When you don't rely on Big Guns and Cosmic Plot Doohickeys you
learn to use your natural talents...which are all a true villain needs. That
which is corrupted can be uncorrupted by simply corrupting the timestream and
reversing whatever corrupted the object in the first place. It's also a handy
way to recruit henchmen...find a very powerful person in the future who was
somehow slighted by the LNH and warp his timeline to the here and now. After
all, with all these heroes from the future, it only fighting fire with fire."
"I'm impressed. But what do we do about 'Bambi'? She still has the Zip
file, and any minute now will give it to the LNH! Plus," he added, looking
down his collar at his chest, "I think I have a more personal reason to want
her put down."
PCAL peered down the front of wRAL's half-open top and winced. "Indeed.
Here," he said, handing wRAL a small remote control.
"What is it?"
"Well, when I was checking out future time indices for any GIFs that might
have escaped mutation, I spotted Miss Multitask. At that point I was hit by a
stroke of sheer genius and devised the perfect weapon to use against her. Just
push the button marked L...."
* * * *
A battered and dented Sufferyng lay on the floor of his hideout as the
smoke dissipated. Sig.pocalypse was pulling back together after having
'exploded', knocking down Sufferyng and the exterior walls. Sufferyng's
weapons lay scattered about broken, melted or...eaten?
"Now, Sufferyng, before I destroy you, I wish to see your face."
"W-why? Haven't you done enough?"
"I want to make sure you don't look like Table," replied Sig.pocalypse,
pulling off the wickedly bladed helmet. And beneath it....
...a rubber monkey mask.
"OH no you don't! I've seen the Prisoner too! Well, you can forget about
me pulling off *that* mask. Say goodnight, gracie!"
"Good night Gracie," said a voice from behind Sig.pocalyse.
SP turned, and saw that Sufferyng's base was in fact one of the
Conveniently Vacated Buildings across from LNHQ. That would explain how he
popped in so suddenly (tm). Behind SP stood Sidewinder, his eyes glowing with
unholy power.
"Sidewinder, what's wrAHWHIGEQP(YUIDGHIS HIFGHGDASJHKGSKJHGFD!!!!"
Sidewinder had cut loose with twin powerbeams from his hands, cutting
Sig.Pocalypse down.
"b-but...Sidewinder...you don't have powerbeams...." muttered Sig.Lad, who
had once again destabilized and now was slowly oozing apart.
"Fool! I ALWAYS had powerbeams! For is that not the major power of..."
<Sidewinder rips off his uniform, revealing another underneath (which wouldn't
all have fit under the Sidewinder costume, BTW)>
"...the GOLDEN AGE ACTON LORD!!!!!!"
"no...."
"YES! Now DIE!" Powerbeams lanced out again and again, hammering into
the helpless Sig.Lad.
"b-but...how long...where is real sidewinder..."
"There never was any Sidewinder but me! I can back into the past,
disguised as a new Net.Hero, to do my dirty work! It was *I* who killed
Flatulance Lad, not Invisible Incendiary! And..."
Suddenly (tm), Plot King was thrown back into the fray, blocking one of
the powerbeams.
"Ho! What is this! The completion of foreshadowing and a LONG RANGE
PLOT??? I sense that the writer had actually PLANNED this out weeks ago, when
he wrote his "Death of Flats" story! My power is once again restored! HA!"
exulted Plot King.
Meanwhile, GAAL (Golden Age Acton Lord) took the opportunity of the long
rant to carefully grab Sufferyng and beat a hasty retreat, not wishing to face
a rejuvenated Plot King.
"Come, Sig.Lad! I must get you to the Med Lab so you can be cured in time
for Part 12!" said Plot King. "Then it's back to the fray!"
* * * *
In the LNHQ, an explosion was heard.
"That must be Sig.Lad annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddd.........." trailed
off Taskani.
The explosion outside was forgotten as every red-blooded male member of
the LNH rushed to Taskani's aid. "What's wrong?" asked Parking Karma Kid.
"Heh. Serves her right for using an Amiga," chortled Sarcastic Lad.
"Wait, I know this affliction," said M-TM. "She's LAGGED!"
"WHAT?" spat Contraption Man. "On all 10^24 windows? This can only be
caused by Acton Lord! It's the ULTIMATE LAG!"
* * * *
Kid Anarky had finished his video game and was sneaking out the back of
the mall to make it back to Integrity Quest on time when he noticed something
odd. The mall was...bulging. And not metaphorically, it really was bulging at
the seams! Peering through the doors, he saw the entire roster of the LNH that
was ever written about had arrived at the mall, along with hundreds of fanboy
little kids! Even DEAD members were there! How could this be? It was like
some Crossover Gone Wrong! Suddenly (reverted to public domain, drat it all)
in a rather cheesy BBC-type special effect, the Mall reached Critical Mass and
pulled in on itself, like a black hole.... All that remained was a hole with
pipes cut off at the edge.
* * * *
In COMA, Ultimate Ninja was about to throttle Mr. Z rather than listen to
his exactly-a-flattened-fifth-out-of-key voice another second, when it got
really crowded.
An entire mall full of people, along with the entire membership of the LNH
(editor's note: most of them are really X-Over Men) appeared in the middle of
COMA.
"Oh, goody! Now we an do A Chorus Line!" cackled the Electrocutioner.
As the Electrocutioner began to give directions ("line up shortest to
tallest..."), the view pulls back...and back...and back until we see the whole
scene on a giant viewer. In shadow is a figure at a microphone, giving the
stage directions. A small light shines on the scores he has in front of him.
As he reaches to flip a page, his hand comes in view and we see a very familiar
braided sleeve design....
==========
Next Week: Okay, will probably just post the Eggplant Mini...
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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