LNH/ACRA: Classic LNH Adventures #147: Legion of Net.Heroes volume 2 #23
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Apr 19 14:10:05 PDT 2020
You can sift through the racc list archive
https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
or you can try google groups racc for this issue of LNH vII..
And now it's time for Classic LNH Adventures: AFTER DARK edition. Yes, the
young people probably shouldn't read this one (but really does RACC have
anyone below the age of 30 that still reads it? Does it?). This one steamy,
hot and heavy bit of writing is by Saxon "Slash/Slash" Brenton. And what
can you say about it (except for as Saxon expertly put it, "Hey, kids! Look!
Boobies!"
Will this one be even too hot for even the RACC Moderator to accept? I
suppose I'm going to find out when I post this.
Anyways...
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #147
=====================
Legion of Net.Heroes volume 2 #23
=====================
LNH/ARCA] Legion of Net.Heroes Vol.2 #23
[Acraphobe content warning: contains sexual and scatalogical references,
and general mental imagery that you'll probably want to unthink later.]
[Continuity note: This story occurs just before _Beige Countdown_ #12]
___ ___________________________
| |-| \
| |-| [] / #23
| | | [] egion of \ 'Slash Fiction'
| | | []__ [] [] [] [] / Intermezzo - Act 1
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes \ (A Beige Countdown tie-in)
| | | []\ ] [ __ ] /
| |-| [] [] [] [] \ written by and copyright 2007
| |-|___________________________/ Saxon Brenton
| |
| |
| | The painted cover has a scene with a large flock of sea birds of
| | the genus Sula nesting and feeding by a tropical shoreline.
| | The covers blurb exclaims: "Hey kids! Look! Boobies!"
| |
| |
| |
|_|
[Roll call for this issue:]
o Senses Lass!
o Catalyst Lass!
o Master Blaster!
o MegaChurch Man!
o Multi-Tasking Man!
o Psionic Lad!
o Special Bonding Boy!
o WikiBoy!
These are just some of the super-powered do-gooders who belong to an
organisation that thinks that running around with your underwear on
the outside is acceptable as a fashion statement. They are: the
Legion of Net.Heroes!
@%%%%%%%%%%@
=( 'Irony Man decisively took off the helmet of his high-tech
battle suit and looked the black-clad master of ninjitsu squarely in
the eye. "Ultimate Ninja, I have something important to tell you, but
I'm pretty sure you're not going to like it. Hell, I don't like it,
but I have to face facts and get this out in the open rather than let
it stew. I love you. I've always loved you. I think you're the most
awesome leader that the Legion has ever had. I worship the ground you
walk on, and I get hard just thinking about the perfection of your body." '
=( ' "Say nothing, Toony-san," said Ultimate Ninja, and with but a
single deft movement removed his one-piece costume, revealing to all
the world that he too was aroused. "The Zen perfection of this moment
needs no words." '
=( 'They took each other in their arms, and their mouths met in a
passionate kiss...' )=
ACK!!!
Cheesecake-Eater Lad almost dropped the plate of pot roast ripple
cheesecake that he had been in the process of serving to Pizza Girl.
A reflexive use of his own ninjitsu skills prevented a messy accident
from occurring, but truthfully they probably wouldn't have noticed if
it had. For a terrible second they stared at each other, their faces
frozen in a rictus that read: 'Did I really just think that?'.
The rest of the world came back. The sounds of people going
"Eeeew!" or in some cases trying to suppress nervous laughter dragged
Cheesecake-Eater Lad's attention back to the rest of the cafeteria,
where other Legionnaires had suddenly lost interest in their meals
as well. At the very least they were surprised. Some were outright
horrified. Several kiwis had their green feathers fluffed up in
agitation, and Master Blaster had made an enormous mess on his table
by choking on his drink and having Mr Paprika snort out his nose (now
that's a seriously startled LNHer's pop!).
"What the Hell was that!?" Master Blaster demanded.
At another table entirely Senses Lass was one of only a few
net.heroes who were looking thoughtful. She stood up with an air of
purpose and determination about her, and around the cafeteria eyes
turned in her direction. She was a red-head with a voluptuous figure
and breasts that were even bigger than Power Girl's. As the old joke
went, she was literally physically incapable of falling flat on her face.
That was not what drew their gaze. In fact she was cheating a bit,
and was deliberately if lightly using her powers to alter perceptions
to catch their attention. She said, "That was a psychic broadcast,
possibly it was an attack. Don't let it rattle you. If it *was* an
attack then becoming unbalanced is what our enemies want." Then she
coughed nervously because she wasn't really used to public speaking
yet. She turned off her powers and left.
"Hey, Senses Lass, wait up!" came a voice from behind her. Senses
Lass turned to see Catalyst Lass following her from the cafeteria.
"Cat! Hello. How's the campaigning going?"
"It's going just great," Cat replied brightly. "So, what do you
think about what just happened?"
She shrugged. "It was a psychic broadcast," she repeated. "I
didn't recognise the mind it was coming from. I got a direction but
not a range..."
"Mutant Town?" Cat guessed impishly.
Senses Lass nodded with a wry grin. "'Fraid so. I'd like to go
scout around. See if there's anything I can find closer to the source,
or if I can get a triangulation if it happens again."
Catalyst Lass nodded. "Okey-dokey. But keep in touch, and don't
hesitate to call for backup if you need it."
@%%%%%%%%%%@
Multi-Tasking Man sighed, took another gulp of hyper-caffeinated
coffee, and moved on to the next webpage. .oO( Infinite April, the
STUFF.org disaster and then the President's Net.ahuman Responsibility Act
have certainly taken the shine off of the reputation of all heroes, )
he thought. .oO( Even saving the city from Mynabird and his army of
net.villains only improved our standing a little bit. )
[Infinite April is what the public calls the Infinite Leadership
Crisis. The events at STUFF.org and the subsequent passage of the
Net.ahuman Responsibility Act were in the _58.5_ limited series. The
Legion returned to fight Mynabird's net.villains at the end of the
Infinite Leadership Crisis in _LNH Comics Presents_ #501 - Footnote Girl]
Multi-Tasking Man knew that the problem was this: the Legion were
public figures. Often controversial public figures. Commentary (both
good and bad, fair and unfair) was to be expected. But not everybody
could be expected to be witty and pointedly relevant in their opinions.
Some of them fell back on simple acrimony, slander and rudeness.
And then there was Internet Rule 34: if it exists, there will be
porn about it.
So when a sexually explicit depiction of the Legion was put in
the public domain, was this an example of gutterminded slander, or of
genuine erotic appreciation arriving from out of left field?
The charcoal drawings of Catalyst Lass posing for a swimsuit
edition were borderline. But then there was a text story where Easily-
Discovered Man and Easily-Discovered Man Lite had a Batman and Robin
style relationship out of Frederick Wertham's most lurid fantasies.
The style of the... prose... made Multi-Tasking Man suspect that it was
probably legally actionable. He had made a note of it - one of far too
many in his opinion - to be sent for review by the Legion's lawyers.
Which left the animation with the almost naked Squidman using his mask
for tentacle sex. Was the concept of tentacle hentai widely enough
understood to be used as slander? Multi-Tasking Man didn't know, and
just having to think about it made him want to scrub his brain out with
bleach.
Multi-Tasking Man wasn't sure whether what had happened this morning
was an instance of deliberate vilification or of clumsy erotic appeal.
What he did know was that intrusive telepathic broadcasts like that,
whether assault, pornography or political comment, would be getting the
perpetrator in a whole lot of trouble.
@%%%%%%%%%%@
Senses Lass left the LNH-HQ and flew off towards Mutant Town.
Normally she would not have assumed that the mystery broadcaster was
there, but once the fact had suggested itself it did not surprise her.
Mutant Town offered the twin advantage and disadvantage of enabling an
evil mastermind to hide in plain sight while at the same time being a
bit too obvious a hiding place. Not that you could necessarily expect
rational planning from a supervillain.
She was making use of a personal flight.thingy, and so the wind
rushed through her hair as she made her way across the city. She was
also using her powers over perceptions to create a subtle 'don't notice
me' effect. It was not particularly strong, but in the airspace over
Mutant Town it did not have to be. One more flying woman was hardly a
remarkable occurrence and it was easier to influence people into ignoring
her as unimportant than it was to forcibly edit their perceptions to not
see her at all. Especially since most of her attention was focused on
feeling for any familiar telepathic traces.
There were none that Senses Lass could detect. After an hour of
searching she paused to reassess the situation. Her time had not been
totally wasted because she had foiled two muggings and rescued a cat
from a tree, but she was getting no closer to achieving her primary
goal. Unfortunately she was limited to only doing passive scans that
picked up whatever was being broadcast. Active telepathic probes were
beyond her; it was simply the nature of her powers.
She landed on a rooftop to think. She was now on the far side of
Mutant Town, the area that some called a net.ahuman community and others
a net.ahuman ghetto. Both descriptions were true, but both were also
vast oversimplifications. Mutant Town understood difference, so, for
example, it was little wonder that when extraterrestrial youngsters came
to study on Earth, Net.ropolis was a favoured destination. Many aliens
settled down in and around the Mutant Town area. This was because it's
always a good thing to live in a community which automatically understood
about alternate biologies and was prepared to cater to diets that used
a different biochemical base.
And speaking of aliens, an idea occurred to Senses Lass. Perhaps
she should go and speak with John.
@%%%%%%%%%%@
=( 'A sweaty Cheesecake-Eater Lad walked in to mens' change room
after his training session. He peeled off his costume and turned on
the hot water for a shower. Then, on the spur of them moment he paused
before one of the full length mirrors and struck a Charles Atlas pose.
He had to admit, he looked good.
=( '"You have lost weight," observed Kid Kirby.'
=( 'Slowly, almost lazily, Cheesecake-Eater Lad turned around. He
had not heard the Kirbian enter, but it did not do for a man trained as
a ninja to admit surprise to anything. "Ever since I cracked the secret
of non-fattened cheesecake I've been putting work into getting rid of
my love handles," he purred dangerously. "So, tell me Kid Kirby, what
brings you down here? I would have thought you had no more need of
going to the mens' room than you need to breathe when you're in space."'
=( '"In truth there are some bodily functions that I have chosen
*not* to transcend," declaimed Kid Kirby. He raised one clenched fist
and pounded it against his chest. In response there was a burst of
Kibry Krackle and his armour went away, relegated to some unthinkable
dimensional until such time as he saw need to recall it to back him.'
=( '"Ah," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad knowingly. He steeped forward
and ran both hands across those magnificent pectorals and down those
washboard abs. "You really do have a cosmic body."...')=
Psionic Lad leaned back in his chair and frowned. Well, that had
been a bust.
He had been waiting to see if another story fragment would be
telepathically beamed at the Legion. It had been his intention to lock
onto it and trace it back to its source, thereby discovering whether
it was indeed a net.villain attack, or a prank, or a particularly
ill-considered piece of advertising by one of the telepathic porn pay
services.
To Psionic Lad's consternation his plan had not panned out. His
psi tracer had dissolved away into nothingness as soon as the broadcast
message had ended, just like the way his first attempt to grab onto the
earlier sending had failed.
It wasn't just him being unprepared then. There was something
'slippery' about these particular transmissions. The whole situation
was beginning to look more and more suspicious.
"Psionic Lad?"
Psionic Lad looked up. "Oh, hey there Special Bonding Boy."
"You look a bit peeved."
"I'm just having trouble trying to trace those telepathic
broadcasts," said Psionic Lad.
"Ah, well, that's just what I wanted to talk to you about. I may
be able to add a tidbit of information."
"Really?"
"You know how most of the Legion is convinced that it... they...
may be a deliberate supervillain attack? I'm not so sure about that.
I may not be a full telepath, but my empathy is strong enough to have
felt the emotions attached to the broadcast. I didn't feel any malice
during the incident."
"None at all?" said Psionic Lad, intrigued. He hadn't been paying
attention to that aspect. "So was there any emotional content?"
"Yes," said Special Bonding Boy. "Lust."
@%%%%%%%%%%@
Senses Lass arrived at the Mutant Town Community Psychic College
and went to visit one of the headmasters.
"Mary-Anne. Good to see you again," said John Goodberries as he
shook Senses Lass's hand. He was tall, thin and purple, and although he
spoke fluent English his speech was lightly flavoured with the literally
alien accent of the Inhilators. "Please come in. What brings you here?"
"I just needed to ask you if you experienced a psychic broadcast
earlier today."
He smiled. "A few, actually. You'll need to be more specific."
She outlined the circumstances of her investigation. John
Goodberries listened carefully and then shook his head.
"I can't say that I encountered that one. But we should ask John
as well," he said, referring - as Senses Lass knew - to John Fishwoods,
who was John Goodberries' partner in operating the psychic school.
Goodberries checked a timetable and said, "He was teaching clairvoyance
at about that time, and either he or his students might have experienced
something."
"Okay," said Senses Lass, and then she felt as slight rushing
sensation as Goodberries contacted Fishwoods and included her in the
psi link. After a perfunctory greeting she repeated her story and this
time gave the two extraterrestrials her memory of the event. She could
feel John Fishwoods giving the memory grave consideration, but from
Goodberries there was also a flicker of surprise and amusement.
=( I am sorry Senses Lass, )= replied Fishwoods. =( I did not feel
that, and none of my students or any of the other sensitives I have
talked to today have mentioned anything like that. )=
.oO( Thank you anyway, ) she thought.
Fishwoods gave a telepathic farewell and then Goodberries closed
the connection. She gave Goodberries a wry look. "This might be
intrusive, but did I feel amusement from you?"
John Goodberries looked somewhat abashed. "Yes, I'm afraid so.
Not at the discomfort that it caused to the Legion," he hastened to add.
"It's just that I've always been amazed and surprised at the Earth
human obsession with sex. To be honest, I've always thought it would
be better if your people had a set mating season. It would make things
so much simpler."
"I think I can agree we that," she said, at the same time taking
note of his use of the phrase 'your people'. She felt comfortable with
it, and she realised that she liked the way it made her feel like she
was included among humans rather than as a human-shaped construct built
to infiltrate the Legion and destroy it with sexual wiles.
And since they were on the subject of mating seasons she wondered
if she should enquire about John's own problems. She decided against
it. But still...
John Goodberries was one of the extraterrestrials left behind after
the failed attack on the Looniearth by the Inhilators. [In the _War
Without Worlds_ miniseries - Footnote Girl]. The Inhilators had come
in their garishly coloured mobile planet to telekinetically tear apart
the Looniearth and snort it up to get a psychic high. The Legion had
stopped them. However, when the rogue planet had been teleported away
sans its world-sized plot device engine, it had left behind a few tens
of thousands of aliens from the Inhilator underclass for no reason
that anyone had been able to adequately explain. After a while they
had recovered enough from a lifetime of living in the stultifying
psionosphere of their home planet to stop drooling, and had thereafter
integrated as well as any other net.ahuman minority.
However, the Inhilator ruling class hadn't *just* kept their proles
in a barely conscious, blissed-out state in order to tap their collective
psychic power for the rulers' own use. They had controlled pretty much
every part of the proles' lives, including breeding. Normally the proles
were, one and all, literally sexless being - lacking both genitals and
sex drive. It was only when the rulers decided that the prole numbers
had dropped below optimal level that they would activate the psychic
trigger in a segment of the underclass population to prompt them to
procreate.
The proles left behind on the Looniearth had made considerable
advances in establishing themselves as a self-aware and self-motivated
population. Some of them, like Goodberries and Fishwoods, had even
worked to develop their mental abilities for themselves rather than as
psychic batteries for others. But even they had not yet discovered the
psychic trigger that controlled their breeding cycle. Unless they could
find it, then the current generation of Inhilators on Earth would be the
only generation of Inhilators on Earth.
Senses Lass pushed these musings away. "How is the school going?"
she asked.
"Not too good," he said frankly. "Enrolments are dropping off,
and a number of students are withdrawing. We may have to close within
the year."
That was astonishing news. "But why?" she asked, genuinely
confused. "I mean, even if the number of people interested in the
advanced classes goes down, there should still be a demand from new psis
who need to learn basic psychic skills."
"There are," he agreed. "After all, the humans of this planet are
a latent psychic species, and I expect that there will always people who
are breaking out with at least some telepathic powers. That isn't the
issue."
"Then what's the problem?"
"The Net.ahuman Responsibility Act has people scared," was John's
simple reply.
She frowned. "They don't think training is a good idea?"
"The problem isn't the issue of training," said John. "Well, not
for most people who are worried about the Act. The compulsory aspect is
causing some concern, because for every person who compares it to having
to pass a driving test and registering to own a car, there seems to be
someone else who cites the fact that you don't have to register to own
a gun. The National Rifle Association is telling anyone who'll listen
that this is nothing more than the first move in an elaborate plan to
sneak in gun control laws."
Senses Lass thought this was unlikely. "Considering that President
Luthor has had control of all three levels of government ever since the
anti-torture legislation was enacted [In the 'American Nightmare' arc,
_Haiku Gorilla #297-327 - Footnote Girl], I think that if he wanted to
pass gun control laws he wouldn't need to 'sneak'."
"True, and to be fair that's only what a minority are saying. The
main complaint as far as I can tell is that the Responsibility Act
might be a backdoor for superhuman conscription. After what happened at
STUFF.org people seem to be happy enough with the idea that powerful
superhumans who dress up as net.heroes and go looking to solve problems
with fight scenes be put on a leash. They're less keen on the idea that
someone who wakes up one day with minor powers and just wants to learn
enough that they don't risk accidentally burning their house down has to
register in order to learn control and by doing that making themselves
vulnerable to being drafted. A lot of people have dropped out of
classes here since the passage of the Act, and the number of people who
enrol for basic training in the first place is down."
"So what are the new psis doing for training?" she asked.
"I know for a fact that the sales of self-help psychic training
books are up. I have anecdotal evidence about unregistered teachers
who operate in the black economy, running classes of varying sizes."
He shrugged. "I suspect that most of the paper trails are being hidden
as 'home schooling' or as 'faith based learning'. There are some cults
that teach mental disciplines and the government is less likely to
interfere in religious organisations without solid evidence of misdoings
in case there's a political backlash."
"And the Psychic College has always been a high visibility but low
profit organisation," mused Senses Lass. "Yes, I can see why this
would be causing problems."
John shrugged again. "Low turnover or not, we're a business
catering to a demand, and if there's no demand..." He spread his hands
in a gesture of stoic acceptance. "We shall have to see how things play
out," he said calmly. In truth the situation worried him greatly. He
had come from a culture where the rulers controlled people ruthlessly to
the rulers' benefit, and there was no way that he would be part of that
again. He was carefully monitoring how the administration of the Act
was progressing. And if things went too far... Well, John Goodberries
wasn't sure whether there would be a tragic fire that gutted the school
in the middle of the night and destroyed all the school's records, or
whether the records would be confiscated by what looked for all the
world like a government conspiracy no matter how much the government
denied it, but he was certain that the paperwork in his files would be
lost forever.
@%%%%%%%%%%@
WikiBoy reflexively stiffened in dread as someone sat down next to
him. Don't acknowledge and don't turn to look to see who it is, he told
himself. That would only attract attention. He only relaxed when
MegaChurch Man said, "Hey there, WikiBoy. How are you doing?"
"Oh, hi, MegaChurch Man. I'm cool."
"I'm glad to hear it."
Suddenly:
=( 'WikiBoy snuggled up against the equally naked Master Blaster.
They were alone at last, with just the well-stoked fireplace and a
bottle of Dom Perignon. He buried his face in the luxurious chest hair
of his Daddy Bear and made a sound of contentment...' )=
and MegaChurch Man could tell that WikiBoy was not longer cool.
"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!"
It was Master Blaster's voice. WikiBoy turned pale. He could see
the future fast approaching, and it had worlds of hurt in it.
MegaChruch Man looked at the Legionnaire That Anyone Can Edit and
said, "You know, I think you were planning on going on vacation starting
a few days ago, and as I recall you were going to keep the location a
secret so no-one could contact you and spoil your rest. You'd better
skedaddle."
The last thing the MegaChurch Man saw as WikiBoy vanished was a
grateful smile hanging, Cheshire Cat-like, in mid-air. Then Master
Blaster barged in.
"Where is he!?"
"Where's who?"
"WikiBoy!"
"I don't know where he is," MegaChruch Man answered truthfully.
"Why do you ask? Maybe I can help instead."
"I'm not going to put up with this crap with someone spreading
pornography about the Legion." Then he paused for half a second before
adding, "Not that type of pornography anyway."
"Er, Master Blaster, I don't think WikiBoy was the one who was
projecting those sex scenes," said MegaChurch Man. He hoped.
Considering the nature of WikiBoy's powers, it was always possible that
someone else had instructed WikiBoy to telepath them into everyone
else's head.
"But he's the one who I can get my hands on, RIGHT NOW!" snarled
Master Blaster.
It was enough to make MegaChurch Man want to put his face in his
hands and do a double facepalm. Instead he indicated the chair beside
him in an invitation to sit down and said, "Rob, let's talk about...
anger management."
@%%%%%%%%%%@
On the way back to the LNH-HQ Senses Lass got to fight supervillains.
She was flying the long way around the perimeter of Mutant Town when
a bank robbery in downtown Net.ropolis caught her attention. An SUV
chunkily mounted with armour plating and a giant tuning fork on the
front was using sonic vibrations to shake apart the doors of bank.
Five costumed goons (it actually said 'Goon' on the fronts and backs
of their green and purple coveralls) armed with small tuning fork guns
and apparently protected by their headgear were swarming into the bank.
Citizens were either fleeing or had already collapsed under the
onslaught of the ultra-sonic vibrations. A few security guards who had
tried to intervene were also lying on the ground unconscious.
Senses Lass briefly pondered how to deal with this situation.
True, she could manipulate her own sense of hearing so that she didn't
perceive their sound attacks, or even arrange it so that she did but
didn't experience any pain. That, however, was merely the *perception*
of the ultra-sonic attacks, not the ultra-sonics themselves. It wouldn't
change the fact that the sounds powerful enough to tear apart a steel
shop front would still be beating against her body and threatening to
damage her eardrums.
There was a fairly obvious solution. She rendered herself
unnoticeable and then dropped down from the sky, landing a fair distance
away and off to one side of the SUV, getting a good look inside with
telescopic vision. As she suspected there was a sixth goon there, and
with relative ease she befuddled him with a sense of doubt and confusion
as to how well the tuning fork was working. He adjusted the controls to
make the sonic weapon work properly, but in fact was deactivating it.
In the seconds before his compatriots realised that their main defensive
cover had been shut down she sprinted up to the driver, wrenched him out
of the driver's seat and shut down his sense of self, then left him
lying on the road in a temporary fugue state.
The other goons returned. After all the fruitless searching of
the past few hours Senses Lass felt a moment of grim satisfaction at
being able to take out her frustrations on this lot. She shouldn't
have, of course. If nothing else she worried that she might become
addicted to violent emotions and backslide into supervillainy.
They opened fire on her, but she caused their aim to go wild
(actually, low; she didn't want them hitting any bystanders). Then she
set about beating the snot out of them. She could have simply rendered
them unconscious with any number of mental feats, but the pictures of a
net.heroine taking down criminals on the evening news would help with
the Legion's reputation after Infinite April, and the media liked
action shots.
She emptied her mind of emotion, focusing her attention on the
position and movements of her opponents. Then she sped up her sense of
the passage of time, a trick that she had deliberately copied from the
Matrix movies.
- Swing around, kick goon one in the guts.
- Goon two realises that the guns aren't working and rushes forward
for a physical attack. Use his momentum against him, launching him to
impact hard on the road, setting up to give goon three an elbow jab
that winds him.
- Goons four and five are holding back, uncertain with what to do
since both ranged attacks and close combat have proven ineffective.
Senses Lass can feel their confusion and fear, and guesses that
they're going to try and make an escape. She launches herself into a
series of somersaults and closes the gap on goon four, knocking him
out with a kick to the chin.
- Leaving goon five, who panics and fires wildly, hitting Senses
Lass by pure luck rather than good aim.
In that instant the momentum of her assault fell apart. The sonic
attack was the infamous Brown Note, and Senses Lass staggered and lost
control of her bowls and her grip on bullet time. Aww yuck! Feeling
grungy, she simply punched goon five in the face - once, twice. He fell
unconscious to the ground in short order.
She sighed. Now she would have to wait and make a statement to the
police before she could return to base and change her underwear. Oh
well, at least she could dampen the sense of smell of everyone involved
so that she didnÂ't cause herself too much embarrassment.
@%%%%%%%%%%@
Later, back at the Legion headquarters and after a shower and
change of clothes:
"Psionic Lad, have you seen WikiBoy?"
"Uh, no, actually I haven't Senses Lass. Word is that he went on
vacation a few days ago."
"Really? That's a bit disappointing."
"What do you need him for?"
"I've just spent the last few hours scouting Mutant Town, looking
for traces of the telepath who was beaming that sexually suggestive
story at us this morning. I didn't get very far, and was hoping to get
WikiBoy's help for an unorthodox approach at tracking him down."
Psionic Lad chuckled. "Join the club. Actually though, it was
stories. We got two more afterwards."
"Really?"
"Uh-huh. Which makes it really frustrating, because I was ready
for another psi contact and I *still* couldn't get a bead on him."
Senses Lass crossed her arms and stared at the ceiling. "Sounds
like John was right."
"Huh?"
"I went to the Psychic College in Mutant Town to see if they had
psensed anything. They hadn't. But as I was leaving John Goodberries
mentioned that with all the mutants and aliens and magical beings and
whatnot living in the area, that it wasn't unreasonable that it might be
an atypical type of telepathic transmission. He even gave the example
of maybe being some sort of ranged narrowcast rather than a broadcast,
so that it could only be detected at its target area rather than along
the path. I certainly didn't feel anything after the first time, so
that wrecked my attempts to triangulate the source." She looked back
to Psionic Lad. "Was it the same mind doing the broadcast each time?"
she asked.
"Sure was," he confirmed, and shared the memory of all three
incidents with her.
"Okay then, let's think laterally about this. What other
superpower, or combination of superpowers, do we have on tap that we
could use to track a telepath?"
"Fearless Leader has already asked the computer guys to do a search
for anybody known to have that M.O.," said Psionic Lad, ticking off his
fingers. "They came up blank."
"And with WikiBoy gone we can't simply Edit him into knowing the
answer," said Senses Lass.
"That might be why he's not available," Psionic Lad said. "Too much
of a deus ex machina."
"How about Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad? If those stories have been
written or printed on anything, he'll be able to find them."
"Possible, but it's a bit of a long shot. The paper may not have
the perpetrator's name on it. Wait a moment, I know!" said Psionic Lad,
growing excited. "Earlier today Special Bonding Boy told me that he
felt lust associated with those stories. Regardless of whether it's a
supervillain sending them or not, it's not just something that she's
doing with clinical detachment."
"Er, so?"
"So, if whoever's doing this is so emotionally involved in them,
then maybe they're affecting her dreams."
Senses Lass's face lit up. "Rotanna, the Dvandom Force member!
That's right, she's a Dreamqueen... Hold up, 'her dreams'?"
"Working hypothesis. All three of the stories were slash fiction
pairing up male characters. Supposedly most gay slash is written by
women. If they're private fantasies rather than something being sent
to embarrass the Legion, then there's a better than even chance that
our telepath is female."
Senses Lass tried to wrap her mind around this. "Okay. Well,
let's contact Dvandom Force."
@%%%%%%%%%%@
Senses Lass stepped into the room and looked around in
astonishment. .oO( Goodness, ) she thought.
=( What is it? )= asked Psionic Lad, who was outside.
Once Rotanna had identified the dreamer as an adolescent boy...
["Most gay slash fiction is written by women, huh?" Senses Lass had
smirked. "Oh, shut up," Psionic Lad had said.]
...the Legionnaires had decided to have one person investigate with
another acting as backup. Their target had turned out to be way out
beyond Mutant Town; right direction but a totally different county.
.oO( He's a fan, ) thought Senses Lass in reply to Psionic Lad.
.oO( Take a look. )
And through Senses Lass' perceptions Psionic Law saw the bedroom of
Nicholas Boltner. It was cluttered. That, at least, was to be expected.
What it was cluttered with was the surprise. Most of it was Legion of
Net.Heroes memorabilia. Posters and fan art and licensed video games
and piles of comic book adaptations.
.oO( Dolls, ) thought Senses Lass as she looked at a shelf of
sculpted figurines. .oO( He must have every singe LNH doll in the
series. He even has the Limp-Asparagus Lad doll! Do you know how low
the sales of that one are? )
=( Guys prefer to call them 'action figures'. )=
.oO( They're solid plastic with no joints for posing them. There's
nothing 'action' about them. They're dolls, ) she thought dryly.
Nick was sitting at his desk working on a computer. He was in his
mid teens, and would probably be quite a handsome young man once the
acne cleared up. The desk was placed so that the door was to one side
of where he was sitting: if Senses Lass hadn't been using superpowers to
make herself unnoticeable her entry could not have gone unobserved. She
walked over and glanced at what he was doing: school work from the looks
of it. Then she glanced around again, looking for anything out of place.
=( I can feel confusion from you. What's wrong? )=
.oO( This is the right house, and his mind definitely matches
those telepathic sendings. But his... I don't know, *hero worship* of
the Legion makes me doubt that he'd do something as malicious as send
those stories. )
She could feel Psionic Lad's amusement. =( I don't think it was
malice. I think it was an accident. I've done a light mind scan of
Mr Boltner. He definitely wrote those stories all right. Take a look
in the folder with the blue cover wedged into the bottom shelf. )=
Sense Lass followed his directions and flipped though the folder,
quickly scanning what was printed and then stored in its plastic insert
sleeves. .oO( There must be months' worth of stories here, ) she thought.
=( There are years' worth of fan fiction in his other folders.
Most of it featuring the Legion, but there are stories featuring other
heroes. Even fictional heroes. And more than half of them are
male/male romance. That folder just has the newest stuff. Now take a
look at the most recent entries. )=
She did so, and recognised a few key paragraphs.
=( I think we've found our 'supervillain'. You'd better have a
word with him, )= suggested Psionic Lad.
Nick was right in the middle of writing up how impulsive teenaged
angst had been the downfall of Romeo and Juliet when Senses Lass said,
"Excuse me, Nicholas? Can I talk with you?"
Nick looked up and saw a costumed woman with a huge bust standing
next to him. Pattern recognition immediately kicked in. "Whoa! Senses
Lass! How'd you get in here? Hey!" he exclaimed, snatching away the
folder from her hand. "That's private!"
"Actually I'm not so sure about that anymore..." she began gently.
Nick glared at her. His anger and distrust that she was threatening
to expose his private fantasies to public scrutiny and ridicule were
palpable. She tried again. "Several parts of your stories were
broadcast telepathically into the Legion headquarters earlier today.
That's what brought me here. I think you might be a projecting telepath
of some sort."
He actually listened to that, which mildly impressed Senses Lass.
His anger didn't cause him to block out what someone else was saying
or twist the meaning into something else, and Senses Lass hadn't had to
nudge his curiosity to get him to listen to her. He flushed red in
embarrassment as the implications of what she was saying sunk in.
"Aw crap," he said, and banged his head on his desk. "What, the
*whole* Legion?"
"Anyone who was in the Legion headquarters at the time." She gave
him a second or two to grapple with this notion, then added. "Listen,
this is probably a bit embarrassing..."
"A *BIT*" he exclaimed melodramatically. "I've just made a
spectacle of myself in front of the whole Legion of Net.Heroes!"
"Yes, but you'll need to take steps to make sure this sort of thing
doesn't happen again," she said evenly.
"Arrgh. Providing I don't get killed first. I'll never be allowed
to live this down." He was starting to perspire. "Jeez, Ultimate Ninja
will skin me alive."
=( He's got a point, you know, ) telepathed Psionic Lad, still
radiating amusement. =( Master Blaster was spitting chips. But I've
got an idea on how we can deal with the problem. )= he added, and
quickly outlined his plan.
"Now listen to me," Senses Lass said to Nick. "Snap yourself out
of your funk and try to act responsibly. It took us a lot of effort to
track you down, and not everyone knows the identity of the 'telepathic
supervillain who narrates slash fiction into people's heads'." Nick
flushed with embarrassment at that. "If you behave yourself I think I
can arrange for some private tutoring with Psionic Lad and keep your
name unconnected with all of this."
"That... that would be great," he said appreciatively.
"Okay then. Let's..." Then she sighed wearily, because he was
doing what a large number of men tended to do. "Yes, I have very large
breasts. Please stop staring at them or your girlfriend will get jealous."
Nick looked askance at her. "Hey, I'm gay. Staring at your
boobies doesn't even make my top hundred list," he said dryly. "But I
do know enough about anatomy to know that breasts don't work that way.
So, uh, how do you keep them...?" and here he brought his hands up to
his chest to pantomime the support of imaginary breasts that were, if
anything, even larger than the ones that Senses Lass actually had.
"I have a strongstuffium reinforced spine," she answered simply.
"Oh. Okay." He'd wondered about that. Actually there was a lot
of argument about it on the internet discussion boards, even though it
was the type of question that didn't always get into the Frequently
Asked Questions lists.
"Let's go and talk with your parents... say, do you have any
Limp-Asparagus Lad stories in here?"
--------------------
Character Credits:
Catalyst Lass created by Elisabeth Reba.
Cheesecake-Eater Lad created by Matthew Jotham Millheiser.
Inhilators created by Jamas Enright.
Master Blaster created by Martin Phipps, as the Writer Character of
Rob Ramirez.
MegaChurch Man and WikiBoy created by Tom Russell.
Multi-Tasking Man created by Jeff Coleburn.
Pizza Girl created by Martin Phipps, as the Writer Character of Ali.
Psionic Lad created by Carolyn Vaughan. Used without permission.
Senses Lass reserved by Saxon Brenton. Originally created (as
The Red Head) by Martin Phipps.
Special Bonding Boy created by wReam (Ray Bingham).
Author's Notes:
By rights a story that stars Senses Lass should be taking place in
the _Limp-Asparagus Lad_ net.comic. But...
It's not *just* that the _Limp-Asparagus Lad_ series runs so far
behind in continuity. No no no. If that were the only problem then I
would simply publish the story in another _Limp-Asparagus Lad Special_.
After all, the reason that I created that series was to publish one-off
stories that were more or less contemporaneous with what's happening in
the Legion's 'present'.
Rather, this is the first in a short arc of stories that are meant
to be running roughly in parallel to the _Beige Countdown_ limited
series. That is, it falls between the period of the 'Infinite Leadership
Crisis' Event depicted in _LNH Comics Presents_ #35-501 and the _58.5_
limited series on the one hand, and the 'Beige Midnight' Event due in
2008 on the other. This, incidentally, is why I borrowed from Dvandom's
Transformers stories the description 'Intermezzo' ("a short movement
separating the major sections of a symphonic work"). Most of these
stories will not have directly connecting plots, but instead are
thematically related in that somewhere in the story they will touch upon
the various political and social topics (both internal to the Legion and
national in scope) that are swirling around the LNH in this period.
The next story ('Attack Of The Vampire Cows') is almost ready to
go. The pseudo-arc will probably contain a few other stories, and climax
with the struggle against Hex Luthor's plans to gain a third term as
Usenetted States President.
That's the setup then. Now, let's have a character writeup.
SENSES LASS (Mary-Ann Happenstance)
TYPE: NWC
CREATED BY (as The Red Head): Martin Phipps
CREATED/RESERVED BY: (as Senses Lass): Saxon Brenton
FIRST APPEARANCE/ORIGIN (as The Red Head): _System Corruptors_ #5
FIRST APPEARANCE/ORIGIN (as Senses Lass): _Limp-Asparagus Lad_ #44
POWERS: Various sensory powers of her own, and able to block or
alter the perceptions of others
FORMER ALIASES: The Red Head, Senseless Lass
ADD NOTES: Created by Professor Perhap as part of a scheme to destroy
the LNH, she was placed in stasis and left on the bottom of the ocean
until awoken by Dr. F for his Union of the Useless. She was captured
after a fight between the Union, the LNH, an the Brotherhood of
Net.Villains
-----
Saxon Brenton University of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
saxon.... at uts.edu.au saxonb... at hotmail.com
"These 'no-nonsense' solutions of yours just don't hold water in a complex
world of jet-powered apes and time-travel." - Superman, JLA Classified #3
==========
Next Week: The Countdown Begins!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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