LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #96: FLAME WARS IV Part Three

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon Mar 18 16:57:24 PDT 2019

On 3/3/2019 4:08 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation #9 by Jamie Rosen is
> a FLAME WARS IV tie-in (well, according to the LNH Timeline it is).
> The Normalizer, Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid, and Blue Wave
> meet OMAR (maybe?) and get in a trashtalking war.

Hell yeah it is. :D And in fact, as much Miss Translation stuff as I could get 
is on the wiki now: 

I just read these issues for that last month and I'm reading them again! :D 

>                                            Warning: Contains immature themes


>    "Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli-lolli-lolli..."
>    "Will you be quiet?"
>    "Hmm... Nope. Lollipop, lollipop--"
>    "Grah!"
>    "Now, lads, no fighting."
>    The Normalizer and Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid froze as
> Blue Wave came out to join them in front of the LNHHQ. "Sorry, sir," they
> said in unison.

I love this banter. :D

>    "I can't believe they sent *us* to get the groceries," SAFNAR Kid muttered
> to the Normalizer as they followed him. "An alien, a guy who's from the past
> or another dimension or something, and me! Didn't my name clue them in?
> There can't have been many worse combinations to send out."
>    The Normalizer shrugged. "It's the LNH way," he said.

Whatever produces the most interesting interpersonal shenanigans!

>    "Well then that's probably the reason. Who gave you the bright idea to lead
> the way anyway?" Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid folded his arms
> in front of him.
>    "No one. I just thought--"
>    "That's the problem. You didn't think!"
>    Before the argument could get out of hand (since bickering with SAFNAR Kid
> was *his* job), the Normalizer interrupted it.


> "Well, which way should we
> go? Right?"
>    They turned right, and saw a store whose sign proclaimed it Bradbury's
> Mysterious Little Shop of Bizarrerie. The windows offered a view of only a
> darkened, shadowy store, and they couldn't shake the feeling that something
> wicked that way lay.
>    Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid shivered. "Maybe not."
>    "How about left?" asked Blue Wave.
>    They turned left, and saw the Abdul Alhazred Memorial Christian Science
> Reading Room. Some customers were already reading books there, and they
> looked to have more tentacles than they ought.
>    "M-maybe forward?" gibbered the Normalizer.
>    They turned back in the direction they had already been heading: Mr.
> Hooper's Grocery Store. Three sighs of relief escaped from the lungs of three
> Legionnaires.

I love it. X3 <3 <3 <3

>    Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid was giving the man behind the
> counter the evil eye. "So, you're saying you're out of bannanas?" he asked.
>    The clerk nodded, a line of sweat beginning to form at his hairline. He was
> pretty sure disappointing Net.Heroes wasn't in his contract. "Yes, we have no
> bannanas. We have no bannanas today."
>    "Well then," said SAFNAR Kid, leaning forward and lowering his voice
> menacingly, "what do you suggest I get? Huh?"
>    The clerk looked around desperately, and his eyes lit up as he noticed a
> pile of something brown and fuzzy. "Oh! I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!
> There they are standing all in a row."
>    "Big ones?" asked Blue Wave.
>    "Small ones?" inquired the Normalizer.
>    "Some as big as your head!" enthused the produce clerk, before SAFNAR Kid
> slammed a fist against the top of the counter.
>    "If the coconuts start singing," he hissed, "you'll go from being produce
> clerk to being on sale at the deli department."

I'm quoting huge chunks because they're all lovely self-contained comedy bits. 
Jamie is such a good writer.

>    The Normalizer's eyes widened behind his shades. "Don't you ever watch
> movies? If we split up, they'll get us!"
>    "Who'll get us?"
>    "Yeah, Normy," Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid added. "We're in
> a grocery story, not a haunted house."
>    "Oh yeah." That calmed him down a bit. "Well, all right then, let's split
> up."


>    *Split up... we're getting the groceries and he wants us to split up... I
> know why, too... nobody wants to be with old SAFNAR Kid, he's just an
> annoying son of a --*


>    "Sugar Cr.ISP... Honey.coms... Cheer.IOs..." He made a face. Yuck. That
> one didn't have anything sweet in it.
>    "Alpha Bytes... Apple-Macintosh Jacks... *oof*"


>    "Oh, I'm sorry," apologized a beautiful young coed. "I guess I wasn't
> looking where I was going." Her long, luxurious eyelashes fluttered.
>    SAFNAR Kid put his hands on his hips. "Darn right you weren't looking where
> you were going, lady. Maybe you should go back to pre-school and learn how
> to walk properly."

Immediate thought is that SAFNARKid is ace

>    Behind him, someone spoke to him. "Your shoelace is untied."

Thanks, I stole them from the president

>    "I think there's been some sort of error. You see, you just cut in front of
> me in line."
>    The other man shrugged. "And?"
>    "Well, I would appreciate it if you would go to the back of the line."
>    "Sure." He smirked.
>    The baker called out "Next!" and the line advanced by one person.
>    Blue Wave waited. "Well?"
>    "Well what?"
>    "Aren't you going to go to the back of the line?"
>    By now, their conversation was attracting the attention of the other people
> in line, and Blue Wave could feel that familiar rush of heroism coming back,
> albeit on a much smaller scale.

The power of PETTY HEROISM

>    The man turned to walk up to the baker, and slipped on a puddle that astute
> observers would have sworn hadn't been there a few seconds earlier.


>    It was some sort of hideous irony, to be trapped here, surrounded by things
> that would solve his problem and unable to use a single one.
>    <RUMBLE>
>    Wait -- over there -- through the window. Across the street. Lao-Tsu's
> Pizzeria and Chicken-Fried Taco Emporium. A wave of relief washed over him.
> At last... something to eat.


>    Forgetting all about the bag of coconuts he held in his hand, the
> Normalizer dashed out of the grocery store to the other side of the street,
> oblivious to the outraged cries of cashiers. Seconds later, the cries were
> replaced with another sound.
>    <schlooop>

He's so oblivious. X3

>    "Crap! Crap on a stick! Crap in a can! Crap on a hot tin roof!"

The lack of swearing *still* weirds me out. X3

>    "You pathtic moron!" called one of the trolls, as it tried -- and
> thankfully failed -- to reach the second shelf so that it could follow him
> up.
>    "Yeah," added another. "Watching your mother &^$# your dog was more fun
> than this."
>    SAFNAR Kid bristled. "That wasn't a dog," he retorted, "that was your
> father!"
>    This could go on for a while, so let's check in on our other heroes.

Heeheehee X3 <3 <3 <3

>    "You should #$@% off and die, you crapwad. You don't even mean anything too
> me. Your just a waste of air."
>    Blue Wave almost laughed, but held it in because he didn't know if that
> would make the trolls stronger. He didn't mean anything to them, and yet they
> persisted in attacking him! A small snicker slipped out despite his best
> efforts.
>    In the distance, he heard raised voices. "Well, *your* mother's so ugly,
> the only reason you were born is 'cause she held up a sperm bank!"

I love their opposite approaches.

>    "One extra large pepperoni, broccoli and pineapple pizza, please."
>    "You want fries with that?"
>    "Sure."

There's a place here where I can order a pizza with fries on it. (Pittsburgh, so 
of course, right?)

>    "Yeah, it sounds more like Doc Stomper's bag. Excuse me. *ahem* Man, you so
> ugly when Medusa looked at you, *she* turned to stone! *ahem* You were
> saying?"


>    "Sounds good to me," SAFNAR Kid said. He pointed at the flaming torches,
> which were threatening to set the boxes of Quake.r Oats on fire.

Is that... *squints* a reference to Quake the video game?

>    "I'll do my best. Although I could use a bit more water to work with."
>    SAFNAR Kid smiled. "No problem." He twisted around and leaned over the
> other side of the shelf, then came back up with a two-litre bottle of
> distilled spring water. "Used to work here," he explained, unscrewing the
> cap.

That explains so much about your pent-up rage, hon

> Then, unexpectedly, they turned their anger on each other.
>    "You useless little $#!+!" one spat. "Your such a pathetic loser I'd laugh
> if you wern't so pathetic."
>    "Your a &#@^ing worm," responded the other. "I have better things to do
> than teach an idot how to think. Go play with your dollies, &^@#rag."
>    "Come on," SAFNAR Kid said, grabbing Blue Wave by the arm and starting to
> climb down to the floor.
>    As they ran past the impulse-shopping-oriented gum and candy bar displays,
> not to mention dozens of quarrelling trolls, Blue Wave had to ask. "What just
> happened?"
>    SAFNAR Kid snickered. "They don't just call me Starts-Arguments-For-No-
> Apparent-Reason Kid because of my winning personality."

That is *such* a good expansion on his persona.

>    "Hey, you wanted that to go, right?"
>    "Yeah, sure. Tell you what -- cut me a slice right now, I'll eat it on the
> way."
>    "You're the boss."

A good pizzeria is worth its weight in gold.

>    It was a beautiful day in Net.ropolis, the kind of day that made the
> Normalizer feel almost happy about having betrayed his people and joined up
> with one of their archenemies to defend the world they were trying to invade.


> It was a faint, nagging feeling, like someone shouting
> his name from across the street.
>    "Normalizer! Normalizer!"
>    Yeah, just like that.
>    "NORMALIZER!!!"

X3 X3 X3 <3

>    "Yeah. We were just minding our own business, buying our groceries, when
> suddenly everyone in the flipping store turned into these little green guys
> that look like a cross between Baby Godzilla and the villains from Bucky
> O'Haire and started coming after us."

Gotta wonder why there hasn't been a Bucky O'Hare reboot in our furry-tastic 
era. Possibly because Neal Adams is bonkers.

>    "You don't look so special," he announced. He closed his eyes (or at
> least it looked like he did) and started concentrating. Slowly, wavy lines
> began to emanate from his body as he pushed his normalizing effect out
> further than he ever had before. The trolls started flickering, and the
> closer ones soon reverted to their normal human form, those further out
> following suit shortly. Opening his eyes, he smiled weakly. "Told ya so."
> And then he collapsed.

God that's so cool.

>    The title is a tribute to the first issue of _Captain Atom_ I ever bought,
> with the cover image being a picture of Captain Atom with a line through him
> and the logo and slug (that's the title) combining to proclaim "Captain
> Atom... is not in this comic." Being a youngster, I was quite surprised when
> I read it to discover that he was not, in fact, in the comic. Sometimes I
> wonder about myself.

I mean, comics are like that. X3

>    I always used to be a fan of the whole JLEurope goofiness -- I even own
> Justice League Antarctica, which was a bit of inspiration for the 'Pride and
> Precipice' storyline a couple of issues back. I don't think I've quite got
> the hang of it, but I gave it a shot.

That's some good goofiness. :>

> I
> seem to remember James Robinson killing them off, which is weird, because I
> really liked his Starman series.

Hahaaaa... that's pretty much the attitude we all had when James Robinson came 
back to comics, before going back and realizing that Starman hadn't aged super well

>    Time Waster Lad stepped into the room his erstwhile teammates Miss
> Translation and the Normalizer had been forced to share, and which had become
> a sort of de facto hangout for the people that had sort of accumulated
> around them.

Just like the Liminals! :D

>    "Cheesecake Eater Lad sent them to get some groceries," SWAA Girl
> explained. [see _The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation_ #9 -- Ed.]
> "He said something about wanting Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid
> and the Normalizer out of the headquarters before he strangled them, and
> Blue Wave just volunteered to go along with them."

Makes sense.

>    Time Waster Lad's frown deepened. *Well, so much for keeping an eye on
> those three.*

I am writing a Time-Waster-Lad-centric story, I want you all to know.

> "Well, then, I guess it's just us," he said, forcing a smile
> onto his face. *He probably just wanted to try on some of aLLiterative Lass's
> clothing without getting caught.*

Hell yes gender-nonconforming CEL.

>    "Therefore I consider," Miss Translation said. "We go!" Without waiting for
> a response -- or for directions to the library, for that matter -- she dashed
> out of the room.

I love her leaps-before-she-looks spirit. Ladies often don't get to be that.

>    Three Legionnaires -- one an alien, one a zombie, and the other presumably
> a human -- were enjoying their walk to the library immensely.

:> Cute.

>    "Certainly," Time Waster Lad responded. "Libraries are full of books and
> periodicals, as well as microfilm or microfiche, books-on-tape, and sometimes
> even cds, cd-roms, and video tapes." He paused and smiled at all of the
> librarians and library enthusiasts in the audience, then resumed walking.

<Library Lad> YES HI TIME-WASTER LAD <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 ...I mean... Dignity.

>    "Chikushoo!" cursed the gi-wearing leader as the three Net.Heroes ran
> toward them.

That's not even how you pronounce it >:/

>    "Who cares?" asked one of his followers, a bespectacled man. "We might as
> well give up."
>    "Why you lazy octopus!" cried the leader.

That's a good insult tho.

> "We cannot simply surrender!" He
> held up his right hand, in which was clenched several volumes of the
> Encyclopaedia Britan.net.ca. "Information wants to be free!"

...at the library it is???? Both free as in speech and free as in beer, in fact

> "Two-to-one odds,"
> Time Waster Lad whispered to his teammates. "Not good."
>    "For him," came Miss Translation's reply.

That came thru clearly. :3 I LOVE HER.

>    "The Legion of Net.Zeroes shall never surrender!" the leader declared,
> drawing a katana. "So says Alternate Ninja!"
>    Time Waster Lad sighed and closed his eyes. He'd thought the Legion
> knock-off craze had run its course years ago.


>    "Prepare to face my wrath!" cried Alternate Ninja. "If you are unable to
> face my wrath, the runner-up will face my wrath instead!"

X3 <3 These little off-the-cuff jokes!

>    Before Time Waster Lad could celebrate, however, he felt the resounding
> <clang> of a Haliburton smacking him upside the head. He turned, just in
> time to see his other opponent open his mouth and swallow the metal container
> whole. "You may have bested Alternate Ninja," the man said, burping, "but now
> you face... Briefcase Eater Lad."
>    "Oh dear."

Heeheeheehee :3 This guy came back in Haiku Gorilla!

>    How about the ever-lovin' (*ahem*) Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl?


> He then pulled out from beneath his sandwich board a
> long wooden pole with a sign attached, and dealt Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive
> Girl a mighty strike.
>    "Ow!" SWAA Girl said, rubbing her behind. "Kinky."
>    "You may have bested my friend, woman, but Hell[tm] no, I won't go," he
> proclaimed. "So says Picket Man!"

Amazing. X3

>    "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she screamed, charging at them both. A jumping thrust
> kick caught the first man flush in the temple, but his neck simply bent with
> the momentum before he gripped his head with both hands and held it up once
> again.

That's an enjoyably disturbing mental image!

>    "But even a hot chick like you can't beat us both at the same time, baby,"
> enthused the second one. "Nobody's a match for Mister Blister and
> Limp-Esophagus Lad."

I'm assuming this isn't Tom Russell's talking penis.

>    "Err... um... I'm, uh, already spoken for."
>    SWAA Girl's eyes lit up. "You're married?" she asked.
>    "Uh, yes. To Orga--" He thought better of naming his wife, lest it simply
> encourage her further and warrant an ACRA label at the top of this issue.

X3 X3 X3

>    "So, explain to me just what it is you do again?" Time Waster Lad inquired.
>    Briefcase Eater Lad looked down at his feet, embarassed. "I, er, eat
> briefcases," he explained.
>    "And?"
>    "Well, that's about it. Oh, sometimes I hit people with them. Like you."
>    Time Waster Lad rubbed his head. "Yeah," he said. "I think I actually
> noticed that.


>    Briefcase Eater Lad nodded. "Yeah, he was an understudy for LNH: The
> Musical."
>    "Oh yes, I remember that." Time Waster Lad rubbed the side of his head
> again -- that briefcase really left a mark! "Caused a bit of an uproar when
> it replaced the Dvandom of the Opera, didn't it?"
>    Having extricated himself from the anti-ninja bush, Alternate Ninja
> approached the discussion warily. "You've heard of it?" he asked, surprised.
>    "Of course I have," Time Waster Lad said. "I love musical theatre."
>    "Really?"
>    "Really! What better way to spend an evening or a weekend afternoon than
> watching people on stage prance around in funny costumes and burst into song
> at seemingly random intervals?"


>    "I don't suppose..." The Alternate Ninja trailed off.
>    "Yes?"
>    "I don't suppose you'd maybe see about getting me a role?" he asked. "I
> mean, an actual on-stage role, instead of doing all the work but never
> getting to perform?"
>    Time Waster Lad considered this. True, Alternate Ninja was apparently the
> man responsible for forming the Legion of Net.Zeroes in the first place. And
> the Legion of Net.Zeroes had been trying to hold up Ye Olde Branche of the
> Net.ropolis Public Library, or more accurately to make off with some of their
> books in some strange, misguided attempt at liberation. But... he *was* a fan
> of musical theatre, and the Net.ropolitan prison system was a mite on the
> overcrowded side.
>    "I'll see what I can do," he said.

Yessssss. <3 <3 <3 Good. Rehabilitative justice and musical theater! :D

> Japanese invective courtesy of "Why... You... Lazy Octopus!"
> <www.time.com/time/asia/features/japan_view/cullen_manga.html> and "How Do
> I Swear In Japanese?" <www.insults.net/html/swear/japanese.html>.


Drew "it's such a good series y'all" Perron

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