LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #96: FLAME WARS IV Part Three
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Mar 3 13:08:03 PST 2019
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the third section of FLAME WARS IV!
The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation #9 by Jamie Rosen is
a FLAME WARS IV tie-in (well, according to the LNH Timeline it is).
The Normalizer, Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid, and Blue Wave
meet OMAR (maybe?) and get in a trashtalking war.
And Miss Translation: Librarian Day One Shot also written by Jamie Rosen
is also according to the timeline a FLAME WARS IV tie-in. Legion of
Net.Heroes -- meet Legion of Net.Zeroes!
And now...
_
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #96
=====================
FLAME WARS IV Part Three
=====================
From: dq831 at freenet.carleton.ca (Jamie Rosen)
Subject: [LNH] The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation #9
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: 12 Jul 2002 04:57:45 -0000
Low Budget Productions proudly presents
The Continuing Misadventures of
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Brought to you by the Legion of Net.Heroes
#9
"...is not in this Net.Comic."
Warning: Contains immature themes
[The cover is a typical street scene. In the foreground, the
Normalizer is chowing down on a piece of pizza while holding a
Mr. Paprika in his free hand; in the background, Starts-
Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid and Blue Wave are being
swarmed by hideous little green men. A small banner on the left
proclaims, in green dripping letters against a fiery backdrop,
"A Flame Wars IV tie-in!"]
"Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli-lolli-lolli..."
"Will you be quiet?"
"Hmm... Nope. Lollipop, lollipop--"
"Grah!"
"Now, lads, no fighting."
The Normalizer and Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid froze as
Blue Wave came out to join them in front of the LNHHQ. "Sorry, sir," they
said in unison.
"Much better. As Net.heroes, it is integral that we put on our best
behaviour when in public, regardless of our true feelings for one another.
Now, which way is the store?" He smiled, and turned to look down the street.
The Normalizer took advantage of this to stick his tongue out at SAFNAR
Kid, who retaliated by kicking him in the shin.
"That way," the Normalizer said, rubbing his leg with one hand and
pointing with the other.
"Nah, it's that way," SAFNAR Kid said, pointing in the opposite direction.
Blue Wave shrugged his shoulders, his aquamarine costume rippling like
water as he did so. "Well, in that case, we'll just go this way," he said
merrily, trotting off down a sidestreet.
"I can't believe they sent *us* to get the groceries," SAFNAR Kid muttered
to the Normalizer as they followed him. "An alien, a guy who's from the past
or another dimension or something, and me! Didn't my name clue them in?
There can't have been many worse combinations to send out."
The Normalizer shrugged. "It's the LNH way," he said.
When they caught up to Blue Wave, he had paused at an intersection, the
index finger of his right hand tapping thoughtfully against the indentation
of his upper lip.
"Well, I seem to be lost," he admitted.
"You ever been to Net.ropolis before?" SAFNAR Kid asked.
"No."
"Well then that's probably the reason. Who gave you the bright idea to lead
the way anyway?" Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid folded his arms
in front of him.
"No one. I just thought--"
"That's the problem. You didn't think!"
Before the argument could get out of hand (since bickering with SAFNAR Kid
was *his* job), the Normalizer interrupted it. "Well, which way should we
go? Right?"
They turned right, and saw a store whose sign proclaimed it Bradbury's
Mysterious Little Shop of Bizarrerie. The windows offered a view of only a
darkened, shadowy store, and they couldn't shake the feeling that something
wicked that way lay.
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid shivered. "Maybe not."
"How about left?" asked Blue Wave.
They turned left, and saw the Abdul Alhazred Memorial Christian Science
Reading Room. Some customers were already reading books there, and they
looked to have more tentacles than they ought.
"M-maybe forward?" gibbered the Normalizer.
They turned back in the direction they had already been heading: Mr.
Hooper's Grocery Store. Three sighs of relief escaped from the lungs of three
Legionnaires.
"That sounds good," the Normalizer said.
* * *
The Produce Section...
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid was giving the man behind the
counter the evil eye. "So, you're saying you're out of bannanas?" he asked.
The clerk nodded, a line of sweat beginning to form at his hairline. He was
pretty sure disappointing Net.Heroes wasn't in his contract. "Yes, we have no
bannanas. We have no bannanas today."
"Well then," said SAFNAR Kid, leaning forward and lowering his voice
menacingly, "what do you suggest I get? Huh?"
The clerk looked around desperately, and his eyes lit up as he noticed a
pile of something brown and fuzzy. "Oh! I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!
There they are standing all in a row."
"Big ones?" asked Blue Wave.
"Small ones?" inquired the Normalizer.
"Some as big as your head!" enthused the produce clerk, before SAFNAR Kid
slammed a fist against the top of the counter.
"If the coconuts start singing," he hissed, "you'll go from being produce
clerk to being on sale at the deli department."
The clerk gulped, and wondered again what had prompted him to give up his
coal mining job to work in Net.ropolis. He glanced nervously at the other two
Legionnaires.
"We'll take three," the Normalizer said, smirking at SAFNAR Kid when he
turned around to glare at him.
After receiving the plastic bag of coconuts, our noble heroes turned to
confront the rest of the grocery store.
"Perhaps we should split up," Blue Wave said. "We could accomplish our
tasks more quickly."
The Normalizer's eyes widened behind his shades. "Don't you ever watch
movies? If we split up, they'll get us!"
"Who'll get us?"
"Yeah, Normy," Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid added. "We're in
a grocery story, not a haunted house."
"Oh yeah." That calmed him down a bit. "Well, all right then, let's split
up."
Blue Wave nodded. "Very well. Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid,
you get the cereal."
"Why do I get the cereal?" SAFNAR Kid asked belligerently.
"Because there are no clerks to deal with. The Normalizer, you can get the
dairy products, and I will handle the bread and meat." He spread his hands
out. "Does that sound good?"
"No," muttered SAFNAR Kid, who was summarily ignored.
"Let us synchronize our watches, then. We shall meet in line in... fifteen
minutes."
* * *
*Split up... we're getting the groceries and he wants us to split up... I
know why, too... nobody wants to be with old SAFNAR Kid, he's just an
annoying son of a --*
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid wandered slowly down the cereal
aisle, his eyes narrowing as he read the names of the cereals out loud.
"Sugar Cr.ISP... Honey.coms... Cheer.IOs..." He made a face. Yuck. That
one didn't have anything sweet in it.
"Alpha Bytes... Apple-Macintosh Jacks... *oof*"
SAFNAR Kid turned to see who had been so obnoxious as to get in his way.
"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized a beautiful young coed. "I guess I wasn't
looking where I was going." Her long, luxurious eyelashes fluttered.
SAFNAR Kid put his hands on his hips. "Darn right you weren't looking where
you were going, lady. Maybe you should go back to pre-school and learn how
to walk properly."
The beautiful coed gasped and took a step back, taken aback (appropriately
enough.) "What?"
"You heard me, honey. I mean, jeez, I knew women were lousy drivers, but I
had no idea they were lousy *walkers*!" He threw his hands up in their and
turned, intending to return to his inspection of the cereal aisle, but a
strange sort of <schloooping> sound caused him to freeze in his tracks.
<schlooop> the sound repeated.
Slowly, Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid turned around. The
beautiful coed was gone. Standing in her place was something small, green,
and ugly -- something that reminded SAFNAR Kid of an unholy cross between
Yoda and the Wicked Witch of the West.
"You fat loser, your pathetic you know. You moron. You can continue to
wallow in your magnanimous witlessness or you can accept that I am the one
true God, you stupid freak."
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid paled, his voice reduced to a
whimper. "Crap."
* * *
Blue Wave hummed the theme song to the Net.Hero League of America animated
series to keep himself occupied as he waited in line for the baker. He felt
lucky that the economy of this Looniearth seemed more or less the same as his
home, since otherwise he wouldn't have had any idea what to do with the money
he had been given that morning to pay for groceries.
Behind him, someone spoke to him. "Your shoelace is untied."
Blue Wave bent down to tie his shoe, then realized that since he was in his
costume he didn't have shoelaces. "I'm afraid you've made a mistake," he
said, standing up, only to see someone in front of him who hadn't been there
a moment earlier. He tapped the person on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Yeah?" It was the same voice that had told him about his shoelace.
"I think there's been some sort of error. You see, you just cut in front of
me in line."
The other man shrugged. "And?"
"Well, I would appreciate it if you would go to the back of the line."
"Sure." He smirked.
The baker called out "Next!" and the line advanced by one person.
Blue Wave waited. "Well?"
"Well what?"
"Aren't you going to go to the back of the line?"
By now, their conversation was attracting the attention of the other people
in line, and Blue Wave could feel that familiar rush of heroism coming back,
albeit on a much smaller scale.
"Next!" called the baker.
"No."
"Oh. I see." Blue Wave frowned. "But you just said you would."
"No I didn't."
"Next!"
The man turned to walk up to the baker, and slipped on a puddle that astute
observers would have sworn hadn't been there a few seconds earlier.
"How unfortunate!" Blue Wave exclaimed as he stepped over top of the man
sprawled out on the floor and approached the baker.
"Now, my good sir," he began, "I will take a loaf of rye, a loaf of
pumpernickle, two dozen whole weat bagels--"
His order was cut off by a <schloooping> sound, and the baker's eyes
widened as he looked over Blue Wave's shoulder, his mouth moving but no words
coming out. Sighing -- since the baker's action was the universal sign for
"There's a monster and/or net.villain behind you." -- Blue Wave turned
around.
"You worthless piece of $#!+," said the small, ugly green creature, looking
for all the world like a cross between a gremlin and a Battletoad[tm]. "Just
admit you haev no idea wht your doing, you stupid *@!%."
Blue Wave looked the creature up and down. "Indeed."
* * *
<rumble>
The Normalizer glanced around desperately.
<Rumble>
It was some sort of hideous irony, to be trapped here, surrounded by things
that would solve his problem and unable to use a single one.
<RUMBLE>
Wait -- over there -- through the window. Across the street. Lao-Tsu's
Pizzeria and Chicken-Fried Taco Emporium. A wave of relief washed over him.
At last... something to eat.
Forgetting all about the bag of coconuts he held in his hand, the
Normalizer dashed out of the grocery store to the other side of the street,
oblivious to the outraged cries of cashiers. Seconds later, the cries were
replaced with another sound.
<schlooop>
* * *
"Crap! Crap on a stick! Crap in a can! Crap on a hot tin roof!"
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid grabbed onto the shelves and
started climbing. One of these freaky green creeps was bad enough, but now
it seemed like the whole freakin' store was full of them! Muttering things
to himself that we cannot reproduce in a family net.comic, he scrambled to
the top shelf in the cereal aisle and dropped to his belly, trying not to
hyperventilate.
*Where the heck are the other guys?* he thought, toning his language down
so that we could resume his interior monologue. *I could really use some
help here.*
"You pathtic moron!" called one of the trolls, as it tried -- and
thankfully failed -- to reach the second shelf so that it could follow him
up.
"Yeah," added another. "Watching your mother &^$# your dog was more fun
than this."
SAFNAR Kid bristled. "That wasn't a dog," he retorted, "that was your
father!"
This could go on for a while, so let's check in on our other heroes.
* * *
"That's not a very nice thing to say."
"You worthles sack of $#!+! You sukc. Everything about you is pathetic.
Admit that Im better than you in evrey way."
"I think not."
Blue Wave had retreated to the freezer section, and was keeping the hideous
green troglodytes at bay using the ambient moisture and low temperatures to
make the floor slippery and reduce the power of their flames. But he knew
that if it kept up, it would be a losing battle -- even as one of Ame.rec.a's
mightiest heroes, he was not indefatigable, and the trolls themselves showed
no signs of tiring.
"You should #$@% off and die, you crapwad. You don't even mean anything too
me. Your just a waste of air."
Blue Wave almost laughed, but held it in because he didn't know if that
would make the trolls stronger. He didn't mean anything to them, and yet they
persisted in attacking him! A small snicker slipped out despite his best
efforts.
In the distance, he heard raised voices. "Well, *your* mother's so ugly,
the only reason you were born is 'cause she held up a sperm bank!"
Looking up, Blue Wave saw Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid
standing defiantly on top of the cereal aisle, (metaphorically) bloodied but
unbowed, matching his attackers' onslaught with one of his own.
Concentrating, Blue Wave pulled all of the moisture back up from the
floor and used it to form an ice bridge over to his ally's side. "Well, I
can't say it's been fun," he said to the trolls, then mounted the slippery
surface. It was a narrow bridge, and not very sturdy, but it got the job
done, and with every step that he took he dissolved a bit of the bridge
behind him to keep the trolls from following, and to use the water he freed
to reinforce the remainder of the bridge.
"It's about damn time," Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid
grumbled when Blue Wave stepped off of the bridge beside him. "Now, where
the heck is the Normalizer?"
* * *
"One extra large pepperoni, broccoli and pineapple pizza, please."
"You want fries with that?"
"Sure."
* * *
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid sat crosslegged on the shelf.
"So, any ideas?" He leaned over the side. "Yo mama's so dumb, she thought
_All Dogs Go To Heaven_ was a documentary!"
Blue Wave stretched and looked around. "Well, the ideal situation would be
to defeat these monsters and make them revert to their original human forms."
SAFNAR Kid grunted. "Guess so."
"But I think it's safe to say that while we *might* be able to accomplish
the former, the latter task is a bit beyond us."
"Yeah, it sounds more like Doc Stomper's bag. Excuse me. *ahem* Man, you so
ugly when Medusa looked at you, *she* turned to stone! *ahem* You were
saying?"
Blue Wave looked down at the trolls who had surrounded them, having earlier
raided another aisle for matches and brooms and now wielding the latter like
flaming torches. "Well, we can try to overcome some of them, but I think our
best bet, as unheroic as this sounds, is to run away and let the Net.Hero--
er, the Legion of Net.Heroes know about this."
SAFNAR Kid blinked. "Did you just suggest we run away?"
Blue Wave nodded, looking ashamed.
"Sounds good to me," SAFNAR Kid said. He pointed at the flaming torches,
which were threatening to set the boxes of Quake.r Oats on fire. "Could you
take care of those?" he asked. "Then leave the trolls to me."
"I'll do my best. Although I could use a bit more water to work with."
SAFNAR Kid smiled. "No problem." He twisted around and leaned over the
other side of the shelf, then came back up with a two-litre bottle of
distilled spring water. "Used to work here," he explained, unscrewing the
cap.
Blue Wave closed his eyes and concentrated, reaching out to the water with
his mind. It took a little coaxing to get it to come out of its bottle, but
once the water realized it was going to be used to put out some fire, it was
all too happy to go along with what he wanted. The trolls began to curse
(even more than usual) as they were soaked from head to toe and their torches
were extinguished. Then, unexpectedly, they turned their anger on each other.
"You useless little $#!+!" one spat. "Your such a pathetic loser I'd laugh
if you wern't so pathetic."
"Your a &#@^ing worm," responded the other. "I have better things to do
than teach an idot how to think. Go play with your dollies, &^@#rag."
"Come on," SAFNAR Kid said, grabbing Blue Wave by the arm and starting to
climb down to the floor.
As they ran past the impulse-shopping-oriented gum and candy bar displays,
not to mention dozens of quarrelling trolls, Blue Wave had to ask. "What just
happened?"
SAFNAR Kid snickered. "They don't just call me Starts-Arguments-For-No-
Apparent-Reason Kid because of my winning personality."
* * *
"Hey, you wanted that to go, right?"
"Yeah, sure. Tell you what -- cut me a slice right now, I'll eat it on the
way."
"You're the boss."
* * *
It was a beautiful day in Net.ropolis, the kind of day that made the
Normalizer feel almost happy about having betrayed his people and joined up
with one of their archenemies to defend the world they were trying to invade.
He bit into the pizza slice, the spiciness of the pepperoni mixing
wonderfully with the tanginess of the pineapple and the, uh, vegetableness of
the broccoli. A beautiful day, a delicious pizza, a bag full of coconuts --
what more could he want? And yet he couldn't help but feel like he was
forgetting something. It was a faint, nagging feeling, like someone shouting
his name from across the street.
"Normalizer! Normalizer!"
Yeah, just like that.
"NORMALIZER!!!"
He looked over just in time to see Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason
Kid and Blue Wave barrelling right at him, shouting his name.
"Where the $#@! have you been?" SAFNAR Kid exclaimed.
"Uh, getting some pizza?"
"Pizza?! Why I--"
Blue Wave held up his hand. "We don't have time for that," he said. "Look,
the trolls have regrouped and are coming this way." And so they were.
"Trolls?" the Normalizer asked, moving his pizza box from one hand to the
other.
"Yeah. We were just minding our own business, buying our groceries, when
suddenly everyone in the flipping store turned into these little green guys
that look like a cross between Baby Godzilla and the villains from Bucky
O'Haire and started coming after us."
The Normalizer adjusted his sunglasses. "This looks like a job for -- the
Normalizer! Here, hold this." He handed the pizza to Blue Wave and the bag
full of coconuts to SAFNAR Kid, and strode toward the oncoming horde of
trolls.
"You don't look so special," he announced. He closed his eyes (or at
least it looked like he did) and started concentrating. Slowly, wavy lines
began to emanate from his body as he pushed his normalizing effect out
further than he ever had before. The trolls started flickering, and the
closer ones soon reverted to their normal human form, those further out
following suit shortly. Opening his eyes, he smiled weakly. "Told ya so."
And then he collapsed.
NEXT ISSUE: That can't be good. Will the Normalizer recover? How will his
teammates react to this? Do you know the way to San Jose? For the answers, be
sure to tune in for the next issue, when we take "A Trip to the Hospital With
Unexpected Results"! And what were Miss Translation, Time Waster Lad, and
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl doing while this was going on? Check out
the _Miss Translation Librarian Day One Shot_, dedicated to the men and
women (and Others!) serving in libraries around the world!
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
The title is a tribute to the first issue of _Captain Atom_ I ever bought,
with the cover image being a picture of Captain Atom with a line through him
and the logo and slug (that's the title) combining to proclaim "Captain
Atom... is not in this comic." Being a youngster, I was quite surprised when
I read it to discover that he was not, in fact, in the comic. Sometimes I
wonder about myself.
I always used to be a fan of the whole JLEurope goofiness -- I even own
Justice League Antarctica, which was a bit of inspiration for the 'Pride and
Precipice' storyline a couple of issues back. I don't think I've quite got
the hang of it, but I gave it a shot. Whatever happened to them, anyway? I
seem to remember James Robinson killing them off, which is weird, because I
really liked his Starman series.
Hopefully, I didn't accidentally hit on any exclusive-to-Canada cereals in
the cereal aisle.
Miss Translation, the Normalizer, and Blue Wave are mine and reserved.
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid is currently reserved, but c'mon,
it's not like he's been used since Simon Velcro #1, so why start now? Huh?
OMAR and his creations are public domain, thanks to Saxon Brenton.
Many thanks to Carl Tashian's multibabel website Lost in Translation
<http://www.tashian.com/multibabel/> for helping with the unique
character of Miss Translation's speech. Mind you, where necessary I have
taken some liberties, to keep all of her words in the English language.
Copyright 2002, baby!
--
"Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across
the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other
anymore -- ever! I'm fucking serious!" -- God
From: dq831 at freenet.carleton.ca (Jamie Rosen)
Subject: [LNH] Miss Translation: Librarian Day One Shot
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: 15 Apr 2002 13:49:45 -0000
THE
___ ____ ____ ____ Miss Translation sez:
/ \ |_ _||_ __||_ _| "The librarian is our friends."
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LIBRARIAN DAY ONE SHOT!
[The cover shows a passel (that's about a
half-dozen) of Net.Villains standing menacingly
on the front steps of an old building as Miss
Translation, Time Waster Lad, and the zombiefied
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl confront them.
The leader of the villains, a man in a black gi,
is holding a katana in his hand, and books lie
scattered about him and his fellow fellons.]
LNHHQ
Time Waster Lad stepped into the room his erstwhile teammates Miss
Translation and the Normalizer had been forced to share, and which had become
a sort of de facto hangout for the people that had sort of accumulated
around them.
"Who wants to go to the library?" he asked.
"Surely," said Miss Translation.
"Me too," added the undead Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl.
Time Waster Lad frowned. "Where has everyone else gotten off to?" he asked.
"Cheesecake Eater Lad sent them to get some groceries," SWAA Girl
explained. [see _The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation_ #9 -- Ed.]
"He said something about wanting Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid
and the Normalizer out of the headquarters before he strangled them, and
Blue Wave just volunteered to go along with them."
Time Waster Lad's frown deepened. *Well, so much for keeping an eye on
those three.* "Well, then, I guess it's just us," he said, forcing a smile
onto his face. *He probably just wanted to try on some of aLLiterative Lass's
clothing without getting caught.*
"Therefore I consider," Miss Translation said. "We go!" Without waiting for
a response -- or for directions to the library, for that matter -- she dashed
out of the room.
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl slunk over to Time Waster Lad. She had
that zombie stank to her, and her attempts to mask it with perfume bought
from a vending machine in the LNHHQ public washroom had only redoubled the
olfactory onslaught. "Who knows," she cooed, batting her eyelashes. "Maybe
it'll be just the two of us." She winked at him, and Time Waster Lad couldn't
help but think that, maybe if her skin wasn't a mottled grey-green and she
didn't smell like a condemned butcher shop... *Yuck* He couldn't even
complete the thought.
"M-maybe," he managed.
* * *
Ye Olde Branche of the Net.ropolis Public Library
"Stop! Thief!" The grey-haired, pleasant old librarian was in tears as she
ran out of the library, chasing a half-dozen costumed hooligans as they
scampered, scurried, and otherwise skedaddled past the stone lions and down
the concrete steps to the street below.
"Ha ha ha! Gaijin fool." Their leader, a man in a black gi, turned to
taunt her. "You think your cries for help will be of use?"
"Er, um..." The librarian cast about for the strength to undo these people
who would sink so low as to attack a humble book repository. "Look over
there!"
* * *
Partway between Ye Old Branche of the Net.ropolis Public Library and LNHHQ
Three Legionnaires -- one an alien, one a zombie, and the other presumably
a human -- were enjoying their walk to the library immensely. It was nice
to get fresh air and exercise and not be cooped up in a flight.thingee.
Especially since Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl, the aforementioned zombie,
was downwind of the other two.
"Shelf for books of the thoughts in the able you stop the attention
with of my English?" Miss Translation asked.
"Certainly," Time Waster Lad responded. "Libraries are full of books and
periodicals, as well as microfilm or microfiche, books-on-tape, and sometimes
even cds, cd-roms, and video tapes." He paused and smiled at all of the
librarians and library enthusiasts in the audience, then resumed walking.
"If you spend enough time studying some of these books, your English may
become so good that even people who, unlike me, did not spend an inordinate
amount of time learning to decypher your speech will be able to understand
you."
SWAA Girl giggled. "You're starting to sound like her," she said.
Time Waster Lad smiled.
They had just rounded the corner that led to the library when shouts of
citizenly outrage and villainous villainy filled the air.
"That thing is he?" Miss Translation asked.
"It sounds somewhat like trouble to me," Time Waster Lad said. Miss
Translation immediately sprinted off, leaving him and
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl to follow her to the source of the ruckus.
And what a ruckus it was.
* * *
Ye Olde Branche of the Net.ropolis Public Library
"Chikushoo!" cursed the gi-wearing leader as the three Net.Heroes ran
toward them. "Where did they come from?"
"Who cares?" asked one of his followers, a bespectacled man. "We might as
well give up."
"Why you lazy octopus!" cried the leader. "We cannot simply surrender!" He
held up his right hand, in which was clenched several volumes of the
Encyclopaedia Britan.net.ca. "Information wants to be free!"
The three Net.Heroes came to a stop and took up the best fighting stances
they could remember from their (mostly cursory) training. "Two-to-one odds,"
Time Waster Lad whispered to his teammates. "Not good."
"For him," came Miss Translation's reply.
Time Waster Lad cleared his throat. "*ahem* If I may have your attention,
I'd like to point out that you seem to be committing some sort of crime, and
as Net.Heroes it's our contractual obligation to stop you." He adjusted his
costume.
"Maybe we could find something else to keep you occupied," SWAA Girl
suggested. "I can think of a lot more fun stuff to do with all that excess
energy." She winked, and to a man the villains squirmed in their boots.
"The Legion of Net.Zeroes shall never surrender!" the leader declared,
drawing a katana. "So says Alternate Ninja!"
Time Waster Lad sighed and closed his eyes. He'd thought the Legion
knock-off craze had run its course years ago.
"Net.Zeroes, divide and attack!" Alternate Ninja cried.
The six villains paired off, each pair facing off with a single hero. Time
Waster Lad found himself facing Alternate Ninja and a slightly overweight
man carrying a Haliburton.
"Prepare to face my wrath!" cried Alternate Ninja. "If you are unable to
face my wrath, the runner-up will face my wrath instead!" Alternate Ninja
lunged at TWLad with his sword, but TWLad fell back on his memories of that
_The Making of Kung Fu: The Legend Continues_ special he'd watched last
week, and handily dodged the blow. The ninja's momentum carried him forward,
and he found himself tangled in the shrubbery.
Before Time Waster Lad could celebrate, however, he felt the resounding
<clang> of a Haliburton smacking him upside the head. He turned, just in
time to see his other opponent open his mouth and swallow the metal container
whole. "You may have bested Alternate Ninja," the man said, burping, "but now
you face... Briefcase Eater Lad."
"Oh dear."
How about the ever-lovin' (*ahem*) Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl?
Faced with a bespectacled Asian man and a man in a sandwich board, she did
the only thing she knew how to do.
"What do you say the three of us go find some place quiet and make it
noisy?" she asked, hips swaying.
"*urk* What's the point of fighting?" the first man asked. "We'll just
lose. Of course, I'd probably fail at whatever you have planned too."
"I protest," protested the second man. "Come on, EDM, don't get so down."
"EDM?" SWAA Girl asked.
"Easily Discouraged Man," explained the sandwich-board-clad villain. He
looked over at his ally, who had sunk down to his haunches and was staring
morosely at the ground. "Well, I suppose it's up to me, then. I hardly
think this is fair." He then pulled out from beneath his sandwich board a
long wooden pole with a sign attached, and dealt Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive
Girl a mighty strike.
"Ow!" SWAA Girl said, rubbing her behind. "Kinky."
"You may have bested my friend, woman, but Hell[tm] no, I won't go," he
proclaimed. "So says Picket Man!"
Miss Translation found herself in no better a position, as she faced two
villains of her own. One man seemed to be having trouble holding his head
upright, while the other moved gingerly from foot to foot.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she screamed, charging at them both. A jumping thrust
kick caught the first man flush in the temple, but his neck simply bent with
the momentum before he gripped his head with both hands and held it up once
again. Nonplussed, she pivoted to throw a roundhouse kick at the other man
but lost her balance when she felt a sharp stabbing pain in the sole of her
base foot.
"You may have been able to beat us one-on-one," the first man said,
emotionlessly.
"But even a hot chick like you can't beat us both at the same time, baby,"
enthused the second one. "Nobody's a match for Mister Blister and
Limp-Esophagus Lad."
Miss Translation snarled. Wordlessly, she stamped on his foot.
"YEEEEEEEEEOW!" he howled. "OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!"
Hopping around on one foot, Mister Blister careened into Limp-Esophagus Lad,
knocking them both to the pavement. She was on both of them in a flash, and
pinned them to the ground -- no doubt to the delight of Mister Blister.
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl again:
"C'mon, I've been a *bad* girl," SWAA Girl moaned. "Won't you punish me
again?"
Picket Man backed away from the advancing zombie. He had put up picket line
after picket line, but she just kept coming... this was really more Mister
Blister's department.
"Err... um... I'm, uh, already spoken for."
SWAA Girl's eyes lit up. "You're married?" she asked.
"Uh, yes. To Orga--" He thought better of naming his wife, lest it simply
encourage her further and warrant an ACRA label at the top of this issue.
"I just *love* married men," Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl said.
Walking backwards, Picket Man tripped over something. It was Easily
Discouraged Man, who was still moping.
"Come on," Picket Man said, scrambling to his feet and searching his
sandwich board for something, anything. "Let's get out of here before she
gets us in her clutches."
"Oh, I didn't want to get you in my *clutches*," cooed SWAA Girl.
This broke even Easily Discouraged Man's trance. "Yaaaaaah!" the Net.Zeroes
wailed as they ran away as quickly as they could.
Back to Time Waster Lad.
"So, explain to me just what it is you do again?" Time Waster Lad inquired.
Briefcase Eater Lad looked down at his feet, embarassed. "I, er, eat
briefcases," he explained.
"And?"
"Well, that's about it. Oh, sometimes I hit people with them. Like you."
Time Waster Lad rubbed his head. "Yeah," he said. "I think I actually
noticed that. So, what prompted you to turn to a life of crime?"
"Actually, it was Alternate Ninja's idea," BEL explained. "We all used to
hang out at this coffeeshop together, and one day AN said he was tired of
the theatre, and--"
"The theatre?" Time Waster Lad asked.
Briefcase Eater Lad nodded. "Yeah, he was an understudy for LNH: The
Musical."
"Oh yes, I remember that." Time Waster Lad rubbed the side of his head
again -- that briefcase really left a mark! "Caused a bit of an uproar when
it replaced the Dvandom of the Opera, didn't it?"
Having extricated himself from the anti-ninja bush, Alternate Ninja
approached the discussion warily. "You've heard of it?" he asked, surprised.
"Of course I have," Time Waster Lad said. "I love musical theatre."
"Really?"
"Really! What better way to spend an evening or a weekend afternoon than
watching people on stage prance around in funny costumes and burst into song
at seemingly random intervals?"
"I don't suppose..." The Alternate Ninja trailed off.
"Yes?"
"I don't suppose you'd maybe see about getting me a role?" he asked. "I
mean, an actual on-stage role, instead of doing all the work but never
getting to perform?"
Time Waster Lad considered this. True, Alternate Ninja was apparently the
man responsible for forming the Legion of Net.Zeroes in the first place. And
the Legion of Net.Zeroes had been trying to hold up Ye Olde Branche of the
Net.ropolis Public Library, or more accurately to make off with some of their
books in some strange, misguided attempt at liberation. But... he *was* a fan
of musical theatre, and the Net.ropolitan prison system was a mite on the
overcrowded side.
"I'll see what I can do," he said.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
The Legion of Net.Zeroes inspired in part by the Legion of Net.Shrubbery,
who showed up in a _Writer's Block Woman (and Mouse)_ arc a while back.
Heck, when it comes to parodies of the LNH, "too many" and "too late" are
four words that have no meaning! (Well, actually, they're three words, since
"too" is repeated in both. Still.)
The Miss Translation Guide:
"The librarian is our friends." = "Librarians are our friends."
"Surely." = "Sure."
"Therefore I consider. We go!" = "I guess so. Let's go!"
"Shelf for books of the thoughts in the able you stop the attention
with of my English?" = "Do you think the library will be able to help me with
my English?"
"That thing is he?" = "What's that?"
"For him." = "For them."
Miss Translation is mine and reserved. Time Waster Lad is unreserved, but a
little busy. Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl is public domain (since that is
the whole basis for her power, as EDMLite pointed out), but reserved for the
moment because I wouldn't have brought her back if I didn't have plans for
her. The Legion of Net.Zeroes are hereby given over to public domain -- do
with them what thou wilt.
Time Waster Lad created by Ray Rich, and SWAA Girl created by
Tom Russell.
Japanese invective courtesy of "Why... You... Lazy Octopus!"
<www.time.com/time/asia/features/japan_view/cullen_manga.html> and "How Do
I Swear In Japanese?" <www.insults.net/html/swear/japanese.html>.
Many thanks to Carl Tashian's multibabel website Lost in Translation
<http://www.tashian.com/multibabel/> for helping with the unique
character of Miss Translation's speech. Mind you, where necessary I have
taken some liberties, to keep all of her words in the English language.
Copyright 2002, baby!
--
"Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across
the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other
anymore -- ever! I'm fucking serious!" -- God
==========
Next Week: FLAME WARS IV -- Part Four!!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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