LNH: Retcon Year #2

[Drew Perron]

On 4/29/2019 1:41 PM, Jeanne Morningstar wrote:
> LNH: RETCON YEAR
> Book One: Spring
> Chapter Two: Rise Above It All!

GOOD TITLE.

> Cheesecake Eater Lad prepared to hear the sound of the gunshot ring out, 
> bringing a short and messy end to his ill-advised attempt at net.heroism. What 
> he heard instead was someone narrating in the distance.
> 
> "Net.ropolis!" he said. "A city gripped by terror! Only one man has the power to 
> stand against it! His name: Marvel Zombie Lad! His powers: incredible! His 
> motorcycle: Advantageous!"

OH MY GOD

> "The hell is that?" said one of the gangsters.
> 
> "That's just some guy narrating," said another one. "We're not supposed to pay 
> attention to that."

*snerk* This is so fun and bouncy.

> "OK," said one of the other gangsters. "I don't know, maybe we should call this 
> whole thing off. Go home, go early, get some rest."
> 
> "What kind of gangster do you think you are! We're going to see this through to 
> the end! Getting beaten up by net.heroes is part of the job. My grandfather was 
> beaten up by Boy Lad in the 50s. It's a badge of honor!

Oh my goodness this is cute.

> "You know," said Gangster Number Two, "you should get him to sign his card. 
> It'll be real valuable someday."
> 
> "What?"
> 
> "It's not like we're making any money getting beat up by net.heroes, right?"

Oh my god the banter X3 I hope the card is holographic

> "Foolish mortals!" he said. "Repent your sins or burn in the fires of fandom!"

That's amazing. Also I've absolutely burned in the fires of fandom @-@ Oh lawsy 
the discourse

> Yikes, thought Cheesecake Eater Lad. He closed his eyes. He heard the sounds of 
> bones crunching, bullets being shot in vain, fire crackling, and other sound 
> effects he had to admit were pretty cool.

Heeheehee

> When he opened his eyes, the gangsters 
> were lying twitching on the floor and Marvel Zombie Lad was there.
> 
> "Uh, hi," said Cheesecake Eater Lad. "I'm a net.hero, don't beat me up."

*CACKLE*

> The fires on his motorcycle flared up. "But we must meet in senses-shattering 
> conflict over a mighty Marvel misunderstanding and then become friends later! 

I love how this dialog is written.

> "Oh, hi Captain Cleanup," said Marvel Zombie Lad. "There's a new net.hero who 
> just showed up. You should add him to the roster."
> 
> "There's a roster?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad.

Well they didn't have wikis back then.

> "Wonderful," growled Captain Cleanup. "A newbie." He gave Cheesecake Eater Lad a 
> once-over and gritted his jaw more than he always seemed to do.

I don't remember him being this gritty but I'm into it

> Captain Cleanup grunted. "All right, you're on the roster. Log onto alt.net.hero 
> and read the FAQ as soon as you get home."

Yeah, that's basically how it tended to go down back in the day.

> "He's our mod," whispered Marvel Zombie Lad. "We're not an actual team. We don't 
> have a headquarters or anything. But we do have a newsgroup. alt.net.heroes It's 
> protected by a magickal firewall Occultism Kid made so only net.heroes can see it."

Ooooo fascinating. I like it.

> Marvel Zombie Lad smiled. "Look up at my title box. I always take it with me." 
> Cheesecake Eater Lad did, and read: "Transformed by the fires of the Fandom 
> Zone, ordinary computer science grad student Peter Palmer (no relation) gained 
> the power of the ultimate Marvel fan! Stan Lee presents... Marvel Zombie Lad!"

a.) Oh my god that's amazing
b.) I miss those little summations! They made it easy to get into the story! I 
should use those more!!!

> He was too tired to go through any rooftops, so he took the elevator and took 
> the cab home. "Wow," he said to himself. He was officially on the roster now, 
> whatever that meant. He was a real net.hero.
> 
> Now it was time to feel *really* terrified...

That is also how it goes. >:D

> Brought to you by the Todd McFarlane Spider-Man Jokes Are Still Funny 29 Years 
> Later, Right? Foundation

Heeheehee

> Captain Cleanup's creator was indeed the keeper of the very first version of the 
> LNH roster in 1992.

:D Lovely!

> Next: Usenet discourse!

Dun dun dunnnnn!

Drew "I love this" Perron