LNH: Retcon Year #2

[Jeanne Morningstar]

LNH: RETCON YEAR
Book One: Spring
Chapter Two: Rise Above It All!

****

Cheesecake Eater Lad prepared to hear the sound of the gunshot ring out, 
bringing a short and messy end to his ill-advised attempt at 
net.heroism. What he heard instead was someone narrating in the distance.

"Net.ropolis!" he said. "A city gripped by terror! Only one man has the 
power to stand against it! His name: Marvel Zombie Lad! His powers: 
incredible! His motorcycle: Advantageous!"

"The hell is that?" said one of the gangsters.

"That's just some guy narrating," said another one. "We're not supposed 
to pay attention to that."

"OK," said one of the other gangsters. "I don't know, maybe we should 
call this whole thing off. Go home, go early, get some rest."

"What kind of gangster do you think you are! We're going to see this 
through to the end! Getting beaten up by net.heroes is part of the job. 
My grandfather was beaten up by Boy Lad in the 50s. It's a badge of 
honor! They all think we're nobodies, but where would all the net.heroes 
be if they didn't have random goons like us to beat up? Huh? Where?"

"Somewhere else would be nice," said Gangster Number Four. (The quiet one.)

"You know," said Gangster Number Two, "you should get him to sign his 
card. It'll be real valuable someday."

"What?"

"It's not like we're making any money getting beat up by net.heroes, right?"

"It's not about the money! It's the principle of the thing!" said 
Gangster Number One.

"Forget this, let's get out of here," said Gangster Number Three, but at 
that exact moment the door burst open and Marvel Zombie Lad, whoever 
that was, roared in on his flaming motorcycle.

He was, well, a zombie. A member of the walking dead in a leather 
jacket. Usually when a corpse walks into a room that’s a bad sign, but 
when you’re a net.hero, it’s impossible to tell.

"Foolish mortals!" he said. "Repent your sins or burn in the fires of 
fandom!"

Yikes, thought Cheesecake Eater Lad. He closed his eyes. He heard the 
sounds of bones crunching, bullets being shot in vain, fire crackling, 
and other sound effects he had to admit were pretty cool. When he opened 
his eyes, the gangsters were lying twitching on the floor and Marvel 
Zombie Lad was there.

"Uh, hi," said Cheesecake Eater Lad. "I'm a net.hero, don't beat me up."

The fires on his motorcycle flared up. "But we must meet in 
senses-shattering conflict over a mighty Marvel misunderstanding and 
then become friends later! That's how it always goes! Don't you know 
anything about being a net.hero?"

"Not really, no," said Cheesecake Eater Lad. "And I don't have time for 
that. It's been a long day."

"He's right." A gruff, square-jawed figure walked into the room. He was 
wearing a caped net.hero version of a janitor's uniform, and brandishing 
a mop. Marvel Zombie Lad instinctively drew back from it.

"Oh, hi Captain Cleanup," said Marvel Zombie Lad. "There's a new 
net.hero who just showed up. You should add him to the roster."

"There's a roster?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad.

"Wonderful," growled Captain Cleanup. "A newbie." He gave Cheesecake 
Eater Lad a once-over and gritted his jaw more than he always seemed to 
do. "What's your name?"

"Cheesecake Eater Lad."

"Powers?"

"I can eat or create any imaginable kind of cheesecake."

Captain Cleanup grunted. "All right, you're on the roster. Log onto 
alt.net.hero and read the FAQ as soon as you get home." He kicked the 
body of one of the gangsters out of the way as he dutifully mopped up 
the room.

"He's our mod," whispered Marvel Zombie Lad. "We're not an actual team. 
We don't have a headquarters or anything. But we do have a newsgroup. 
alt.net.heroes It's protected by a magickal firewall Occultism Kid made 
so only net.heroes can see it."

"OK," said Cheesecake Eater Lad. "So, uh. Just out of curiosity, how did 
you become a zombie?"

Marvel Zombie Lad smiled. "Look up at my title box. I always take it 
with me." Cheesecake Eater Lad did, and read: "Transformed by the fires 
of the Fandom Zone, ordinary computer science grad student Peter Palmer 
(no relation) gained the power of the ultimate Marvel fan! Stan Lee 
presents... Marvel Zombie Lad!"

"Huh. I should get one of those," said Cheesecake Eater Lad. "OK, 
I'll... see you later I guess."

He was too tired to go through any rooftops, so he took the elevator and 
took the cab home. "Wow," he said to himself. He was officially on the 
roster now, whatever that meant. He was a real net.hero.

Now it was time to feel *really* terrified...

****

YOU HAVE BEEN READING
LNH: RETCON YEAR #2
Brought to you by the Todd McFarlane Spider-Man Jokes Are Still Funny 29 
Years Later, Right? Foundation

STARRING:

Cheesecake Eater Lad..............Matthew Jotham Millheiser
Boy Lad......................................David R. Henry
Marvel Zombie Lad................................Ben Pierce
Occultism Kid...................................August Yang
Captain Cleanup..............Storm (presumably not that one)
J. Random Mobster #1-4....................Jeanne Morningstar

****

Notes:

Captain Cleanup's creator was indeed the keeper of the very first 
version of the LNH roster in 1992.

Peter Palmer was a name Stan Lee mistakenly used for Spider-Man in 
Amazing Spider-Man #1. He gave characters alliterative names to make 
them easier to remember but still didn't always get them right.

Next: Usenet discourse!

-- 
Jeanne "The Dark Space Princess Knight" Morningstar