LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #36: Culinary Disasters Part Two

[Drew Perron]

On 5/6/2017 4:26 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> "I... I don't know where to start." she said huskily.
>
> "Try at the beginning." snapped Ordinary Lady.
>
> G-TG gave her an evil look, "Well sure, in the beginning there was the
> light, it spread throughout the nothing and it..."

Snarkery!

> The scene is of a huge, light-filled domain... Otherwordly inscriptions are
> carved on huge stone pillars that tower above. Strange yet beautiful flowers
> and other types of plant grow everywhere. There seems to be no sky. And above
> all of this floats the hall of the Sorcerix, where only the purest of the
> Valhallies may enter.

oooooh, ahhhhh

> "I come from as world as yet unknown to you, the world of Valhal, which
> means light in our language. My people are a peaceful people, we spend all
> our time in contemplation of higher concepts, or playing games, or.. uh..
> yeah, well."
>
> One of the volleyball players lunges for the ball and misses, accidentally
> falling off the cliff in the process. Play halts until the faller floats
> back up into view, laughing heartily.

I'm not sure what this weird place with no sky and odd laws of physics is 
supposed to *be*, but I find it fascinating.

> "Our greatest minds got together to analyse the problem."
>
> Cut to... an empty room.
>
> "Well okay, the Sorcerix, who is _probably_ our greatest mind, decided to
> find out what was going on."

Heeheehee

> A woman walks into the room and sits down at a computer terminal. She taps.
> The perspective focuses on the clock on the wall. It's a grandfather clock.
> The hands spin round and round and round and round and round and [Cut it
> out! You're making me dizzy!] round until the stresses cause them to fly
> off, narrowly missing the entering Good-Timing Girl.

XD; I love these nonsensical gags.

> "I was called in to meet with the Sorcerix only last week. My brother was
> there too, he is our greatest mind."

So which one's the greatest mind?

> She is also more fully dressed than anyone else in this
> land that you've seen so far. There was a good reason why I didn't describe
> the volleyball players in more detail. :-)

:3 I love it <3

> "The accursed one is..."
>
> ***
>
> "ME?!" yelped Bad-Timing Boy.

Responsive scene changes! :D

> "Aw come _on_. This has to be some kind of joke. The only person I've ever
> been a threat to has been _me_. Or possibly anyone who might encounter me
> and die laughing. This is crazy!"

It's pretty adorable. :>

> "But... but... it's the only way. And I _wouldn't_ kill him _now_."
>
> "Oh, I feel _so_ reassured." said Ordinary Lady sarcastically.

Heeheehee

>         "_Turn_ of the cooking?" asked California Kid, looking a bit
> worried. Mouse nodded, "Cheesecake-Eater Lad's off on a mission and Frat Boy
> and Steak-And-Potatoes Man have left too.

Just imagine eating on a regular basis in a place solely stocked by them. @-@

>         "It's just that I've never seen green porridge before." said
> Mainstream Man.
>         "That's how we do it in Net.Zealand." replied Mouse sharply. "Next!"
>         "And I'm fairly sure that toast shouldn't be on fire."
>         "It's flambe!

Heeheehee

>         Mouse paused, "Uh... it's a secret recipe."
>         Nit-Pick Lad raised an eyebrow, "Really?"
>         "Well, okay, maybe not so secret," amended Mouse, "It's a variation
> on the original recipe."
>         "The original recipe being a mixture of flour, milk, eggs and butter."
>         "Er, yes."
>         "And how is this a variation on it?" asked Nit-Pick Lad.

Heeheehee :3

>         Writers Block Woman stirred happily in the kitchen. Mouse ran in.
>         "Ah, my erstwhile sidekick, Subliminal Girl." she cried.
>         "That's your unhappy daughter, Mouse." corrected Mouse,

Adorable

>         "They asked about the pancakes." said Mouse.
>         WBW paused, "Ah." She stirred thoughtfully, "Do you think they
> suspect?"

*snerk*

>         "That," WBW informed her in an icy tone, "is the specialitie de
> maison..."
>         Mouse paled, "No.. no... not that!"
>         Writers Block Woman nodded, "Yes! My Lady Macbeth special!"

Oh my. o.o;

>         "Here we go!" said Writers Block Woman, depositing a large cauldron
> of bubbling stuff on the counter, "Enough for everyone." Everyone regarded
> the pot without enthusiasm.
>         "Hurray," said Mainstream Man, "What is it?"
>         "Just the best darn food you'll ever taste in your whole entire
> life." assured WBW.

Is that because you die directly after o-o

>         The heros passed the bowl down till it reached Old-Comics Man, who
> harrumphed, and then cautiously took a bite. Slowly a smile spread across
> his face, "Mmmmmmm!" he said happily.
>         Only Nit-Pick Lad noticed Mouse counting quietly under her
> breath... "4,3,2..."
>
> "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................. " Old Comics Man sprinted for the door,
> howling all the way. He didn't quite make it and collapsed on the floor. The
> other LNHers watched in fascination as something seemed to be trying to get
> out of his stomach. With a final-sounding *RIP* a strange lizard-like
> creature burst through and tried to scuttle off...

o-o Um. That's. Intense???

>         "Quick! Stop it!" yelled Mouse, when noone responded she grabbed the
> pancakes and hurled them at the creature. They hit it with a satisfying
> splat and stuck it to the floor.
>         "Strange. That _always_ happens." said WBW thoughtfully.

o-o;;;;

>         "My god, what is _in_ those pancakes?" asked Irony Man.
>         "Flour and water." said Mouse automatically. Then cringed as
> everyone looked at her.
>         "Flour and WATER?! That's not pancakes! That's GLUE!" screamed
> Nit-Pick Lad.

*cackles fiendishly*

> When last we left our intrepid heros (sometime ago, blame my exams)

Heh heh heh.

>         "You shall rue the day you ever decided to invade Valhal
> interlopers!" proclaimed one of the Valhallies.
>         "We're not invading! We were _invited_!" yelled Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
>         "Oh yeah? Let's see your invitations then." demanded another Valhallie.
>         "_I_ invited them!" yelled Good-Timing Girl.
>         "Oh, well, that's alright then." said the first Valhallie, "Why
> didn't you say so?"

And thus, the tension deflates. X3

>         "Well, was that an anti-climax or what?" asked Cheesecake-Eater
> Lad, trying to break the tension.
>         "Oh, shut up." muttered Bad-Timing Boy.

*cackles softly*

>         "Good-Timing Girl! Welcome! I take it your mission to destroy the
> evil one was successful?" asked the Sorcerix eagerly.
>         "Hey! I resent that!" yelled Bad-Timing Boy, following G-TG in.

So he hasn't *completely* lost it. X3

>         "Why aren't I surprised?" asked another voice, as the fourth person
> in the room stepped forward.
>         "FRANK!" G-TG ran to the man revealed, throwing her arms around
> him she hugged him tightly.

Note: At the time I always imagined him as TV's Frank from MST3K. X3

> Frank was about 6 feet
> tall, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and some black jeans. He had blonde
> hair and green eyes.

Despite this.

>         "Brad Thomas Boyle, AKA Bad-Timing Boy, AKA the evil destroying
> one. Nice place you got here, who did your decor?" B-TB shook Frank's
> hand firmly. Frank and the Sorcerix gaped at him.
>         "Hoooooboy, are you sure your powers have disappeared?" asked
> Cheesecake-Eater Lad asked.

See? X3

>         Frank and the Sorcerix continued to stare at Bad-Timing Boy.
>         "Please," Good-Timing Girl pleaded, "Don't stand there looking
> like that! Blink! Please, your eyeballs are about to dry out!"
>         Both Frank and the Sorcerix blinked and shook their heads. "Whoa,
> that was strange." said Frank.

Heeheehee

>         Bad-Timing Boy spluttered, "Because... because..." he thought of
> all the times he'd been beaten up as a result of his power, "because..."
> he thought of all the danger he'd been in because of his power
> "because... because... "

I love this genuine reluctance to give up being Bad-Timing Boy. <3 I think it 
really speaks to the way he keeps trying despite everything.

>         Cheesecake Eater Lad watched them go until they were out of site,
> then leant against the door, "Well, what shall I do for half an hour?" he
> wondered.
>         His question was answered when the door suddenly opened and he
> was hit over the head by a club.

D'oh!

> Fan.Boy hummed to himself as he entered the kitchen. He was rather
> surprised that he had been rostered for food duty, but he was quite happy
> to do it.
>         [That, and the fact that Jaelle asked his writer in the sweet,
> kind way she has. :) ]

YAY inter-writer friendships <3

> As LNHers started arriving in the cafeteria, they were treated to an odd
> assortment of sounds from the kitchen. There were several bangs and
> crashes as well as the odd tuneless whistling. This lead them to assume
> that Guitar Man was in there cooking, and that the Sickbay should be
> readied for use.

Heeheehee

>         He paused again to check the recipes he had picked to perform
> tonight. He scanned rec.food.recipes as well as neighbouring groups,
> checking what his products looked like in comparison with what they were
> supposed to be.

Perhaps if it'd been easier to get *pictures* of the stuff back then... (Man, 
remember when modems were so slow and hard drives were so small that even 
sharing quality-resolution pictures of things was a feat?

...no, me either... << >>)

>         He checked under the sink in the cabinets, found a can of
> fly-spray and sprayed a bit in the air, testing the smell. Mmm, not too bad.
>         He up-ended the can and squirted a generous dosage into the pot.
> There, that was better.

uM

> Understandably, it was Ferris Jones who first became worried by the pot
> that Fan.Boy heaved out.

What a deductive mind!

>         The doors swung open and in poured the contents of the LNHers worst
> nightmare.
>         "Why are there Criminals Coming into the Cafeteria?" asked
> aLLiterative Lass.
>         "I invited them," replied Fan.Boy. "They don't get out very
> often, and I wanted to meet them. Don't worry," he said to the
> disbelieving faces of the heroes. "They've promised to go back to their
> homes afterwards."

I love early, Everyone Is His Favorite Character Fan.Boy. ...man, we need a new 
character like that. Mainstream comics are beating us - Ms. Marvel, for instance.

>         While a queue more or less formed, with Manga Man battling with
> Johnny Stomper for a good position, causing a wall to be destroyed in the
> process.

I love casual stuff like that. X3

>         "What exactly is this?" asked Cannon Fodder, sniffing carefully
> at the... 'slop'.
>         "Um, perhaps you shouldn't eat any," advised Fan.Boy. "Wouldn't
> want to upset anyone when your powers kick in."

pfffff

>         Cannon Fodder's gape was pushed aside by King Konquerer. "I'm
> King Konquerer, soon to be ruler of the Looniverse. I'm sure you've heard
> of me."
>         "Oh, yes," said Fan.Boy nodding. "Of course I have."
>         King Konquerer reacted in surprise. "You have? Why? Nobody else
> has." He took his meal bemusedly and walked over to a table.

D'awwww.

>         "The cheese was fine."
>         Ah. The cheese was fine.

I just love this set of lines. X3

>         Large Caliber Man stood up. "What say we show our appreciation?"
> he said, causing a large chain gun to appear in his hand.
>         "Right behind you on that one," said Spelling Boy, who was feeling
> pumped up due to all the author's typoes.
>         "Er, guys," said Fan.Boy backing away. "Couldn't we talk about
> this? Guys?"

I like how this one ends with good guys and bad guys joining together to murder 
someone. X3

Drew "people die when they are killed" Perron