LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #36: Culinary Disasters Part Two
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sat May 6 13:26:09 PDT 2017
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have LNH Comics Presents #29-30
Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler continues with the Bad-Timing
Boy Adventure and we finally get the first part of Culinary
Disasters (also written by Jaelle). And the second backup of
Culinary Disasters is Ibelieve written by Jamas Enright
featuring his Writer Character Fan.Boy. (Trivia Note: Both
Jaelle and Jamas hail from New Zealand.)
_
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #36
=====================
Culinary Disasters Part Two
=====================
From: ihimaera_j at ix.wcc.govt.nz
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #29
Date: 16 May 1995 05:38:28 GMT
LNH Comics Presents: It's All In The Timing Part Four.
The Continuing MisAdventures of Bad-Timing-Boy.
"If at first you don't succeed, give up! There's no use making a damn fool of
yourself." - ?
*-*
Good-Timing Girl took a gulp from the coffee Cheesecake-Eater Lad offered
her and pushed her fringe out of her face. She looked around at the gathered
LNHers. B-TB, C-ELad, Ultimate Ninja, Ordinary Lady and Doctor Stomper
ringed her chair, all waiting for her reasons for trying to kill Bad-Timing
Boy.
"I... I don't know where to start." she said huskily.
"Try at the beginning." snapped Ordinary Lady.
G-TG gave her an evil look, "Well sure, in the beginning there was the
light, it spread throughout the nothing and it..."
"Enough!" interrupted Ultimate Ninja, "We wish to hear an explanation for
your actions." He paused. "Now."
Good-Timing Girl stared at the floor, then began her flashback explanation:
The scene is of a huge, light-filled domain... Otherwordly inscriptions are
carved on huge stone pillars that tower above. Strange yet beautiful flowers
and other types of plant grow everywhere. There seems to be no sky. And above
all of this floats the hall of the Sorcerix, where only the purest of the
Valhallies may enter.
All in all, it's pretty damn impressive.
Good-Timing Girl's voice floats over the scenes of happy people playing
volleyball on a scenic clifftop.
"I come from as world as yet unknown to you, the world of Valhal, which
means light in our language. My people are a peaceful people, we spend all
our time in contemplation of higher concepts, or playing games, or.. uh..
yeah, well."
One of the volleyball players lunges for the ball and misses, accidentally
falling off the cliff in the process. Play halts until the faller floats
back up into view, laughing heartily.
"Anyway, about 5 months ago, our world became the victim of strange
happenings..."
Dark clouds gather out of nowhere, people look around in apprehension.
"At first we shrugged it off, thought that it was just a minor accident
someplace."
The volleyball players resume their game.
"But then all of a sudden, the occurences got worse, our world was being
rent apart!"
The volleyball players shriek as earthquakes rattle the cliff that they're
standing on, the ground shudders and forces itself apart. Screams are heard
as the players frantically teleport or fly to safety, some carrying others.
Children playing near them run screaming and are nearly crushed by falling
rock, and are only just saved by two of the flyers sweeping them up in the
volleyball net.
"Our greatest minds got together to analyse the problem."
Cut to... an empty room.
"Well okay, the Sorcerix, who is _probably_ our greatest mind, decided to
find out what was going on."
A woman walks into the room and sits down at a computer terminal. She taps.
The perspective focuses on the clock on the wall. It's a grandfather clock.
The hands spin round and round and round and round and round and [Cut it
out! You're making me dizzy!] round until the stresses cause them to fly
off, narrowly missing the entering Good-Timing Girl.
"I was called in to meet with the Sorcerix only last week. My brother was
there too, he is our greatest mind."
***
In the Sorcerix's chambers:
Good-Timing Girl entered timidly. She bowed instantly before her leaders.
"Sorcerix. Brother." The two other figures in the room acknowledge her. The
Sorcerix steps forward, she is a tall woman with an aristocratic nose and
piercing blue eyes. She is also more fully dressed than anyone else in this
land that you've seen so far. There was a good reason why I didn't describe
the volleyball players in more detail. :-)
"I have identified the source of our troubles Good-Timing Girl... and I am
sending _you_ to stop them. The fate of our world lies in your hands." The
Sorcerix walked towards a closet and opened the door. Within it, gleaming,
is the heartsword. She ceremoniously hands it to Good-Timing Girl.
"I am entrusting you with this heartsword. Wear it well. Destroy our
destroyer, and all the lives in this realm will be owed to you."
"Thank you Sorcerix," G-TG said, clasping the sword. "But who is it I must
destroy."
"The accursed one is..."
***
"ME?!" yelped Bad-Timing Boy.
Good-Timing Girl nodded.
"Aw come _on_. This has to be some kind of joke. The only person I've ever
been a threat to has been _me_. Or possibly anyone who might encounter me
and die laughing. This is crazy!"
B-TB stood up and stormed over to the door. He stopped just by it and leant
against the doorjamb. "How could I possibly be hurting you people anyway?"
"Your powers..." G-TG started.
"What about them?" interupted B-TB.
She sighed and fluffed her hair a bit, "We figured that the effects of your
bad timing powers were reaching our home. Valhal is a place of peace, and
order. Your chaotic causing powers are the antithesis of all we've ever
known! And then with our experience earlier with the heartsword..." the
words trailed off. And she put her head in her hands.
Everyone looked away.
Bad-Timing Boy sighed and moved over to her.
"Look, I'm not too keen on this getting killed business. Perhaps there's some
other way I could help, I mean. I'm not in favour of harming you people
either."
Good-Timing Girl looked up at him, "You mean it? You really really mean it?"
She clasped his arm, "That would be _wonderful_." Then suddenly she released
his arm, "But what's the use? We couldn't get back anyway."
"Huh?" said everyone.
"I'm sorry, you just went a little too fast for the rest of us." said
Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"Oh... the best thing would be if I took Bad-Timing Boy back _with_ me...
only my powers are kind of stuffed at the moment."
"Hold on, time out!" yelled Ordinary Lady, "What makes you think we'd _let_
B-TB go with you, I mean, you tried to kill him for crying out loud."
"But... but... it's the only way. And I _wouldn't_ kill him _now_."
"Oh, I feel _so_ reassured." said Ordinary Lady sarcastically.
"What was that about your powers?" asked Doctor Stomper at the same time.
Good-Timing Girl shrugged, "After that fight with Bad-Timing Boy, I tried to
teleport away, back home. But it didn't work and I wound up in a swamp. Then
I tried to teleport again and wound up in the middle of a freeway just as
these two women blew up a truck. One of them asked me of I wanted a ride
somewhere and I said 'Not looking like _this_ I'm not... and then tried to
teleport again and..." she trailed off. "It just kept getting worse."
"Hmmmm..." said Doctor Stomper meaningfully, "Ultimate Ninja, could I have a
word with you?" The two men moved off and spoke quietly to one another and
then returned.
"Good-Timing Girl... does the heartsword have any 'special' qualities?"
Doctor Stomper asked.
"Well yes, it's linked to us and our powers. Whoever has one can use it to
enhance their powers."
"Mmmhmm, then I think I have the answer to your problems..."
***
"Do you really think this will work?" asked Bad-Timing Boy. He was once more
facing Good-Timing Girl in the peril room.
"It's got a fairly good chance of succeeding." said Doctor Stomper from the
control room. "It seems likely that during your struggle you managed to
somehow swap powers, perhaps you might be able to switch them back."
"But without the heartsword, how is that possible?" asked G-TG.
"Do you want me to explain? Or would you rather get this over with before
dinnertime?"
"Ready whenever you are." they chorused.
Doctor Stomper turned to the other LNHers in the control room. "Here we go."
Bad-Timing Boy and Good-Timing Girl clasped each others hands and
concentrated, trying to will their powers into existence.
The LNHers in the control room could only gape at the results. Lightening
seemed to fizzle between the two bodies as they strained to unleash their
abilities... it lasted only moments however, as a cataclysmic boom knocked
them apart.
"Get them to medbay!" yelled Doctor Stomper.
***
"Well, the results are through." he announced, stepping up to the medbay
beds.
B-TB and G-TG were on adjoining beds, both exhausted after the exercise.
"And? Do I have my powers back?" asked Good-Timing Girl eagerly.
"Uh, well yes and no." replied Doctor Stomper. "Yes, you've managed to get
rid of B-TB's powers, but no your own haven't returned. My guess is that they
canceled each other out and without the facilitating influence of the
heartsword couldn't switch back."
"Bottom line?" asked B-TB wearily.
"You're normal, completely utterly and totally normal." replied Doctor
Stomper.
"Oh."
"But what about my teleportation powers?" asked Good-Timing Girl. Then
suddenly she vanished. Then returned. "Never mind. They're working again."
"Great, well, glad to have been of help..." said B-TB, "See ya."
"Hang on a moment. I still haven't gotten my powers back yet. I need your
help to do that! And you said you'd come back with me to find out how to
stop the disturbances!" yelped G-TG.
B-TB groaned and hid his head under the pillow. An argument broke out
amongst the people gathered until Ultimate Ninja stepped in, "Enough!"
Everyone quietened and turned to him. He looked at Good-Timing Girl,
"Are you willing to swear on your honour, _not_ to harm Bad-Timing Boy in
any way?"
"I so swear." said G-TG. The Ninja sighed, "Then, if B-TB so desires he may
return with you..."
"Yes!" said G-TG.
"As long as Cheesecake-Eater Lad goes too. I want him there as backup in
case something goes wrong." qualified Ultimate Ninja.
"Okay, sure. Bad-Timing Boy?"
B-TB got out of bed, "Okay, why not? I feel a bit guilty about all this
anyway. When shall we go?"
"Now?"
Before anyone else could say anything else, the trio disappeared. Ordinary
Lady and Doctor Stomper headed off to their own rooms and Ultimate Ninja
stared at the points where they had left. He turned to leave the room.
***
Bad-Timing Boy, Good-Timing Girl and Cheesecake-Eater Lad rematerialised in
a large cavernous area.
"I know this place! We're right in the centre of Valhal!" exclaimed G-TG.
"Fine, where are we going?" asked Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"Nowhere!" said a voice.
Hundreds of Valhallie warriors stepped out of the shadows and pointed
various sharply pointed weapons at them...
"Uh oh."
***
to be continued.
Credits:
Bad-Timing Boy, Cheesecake-Eater Lad and Doctor Stomper are Public Domain.
Ultimate Ninja and Ordinary Lady are wReams.
Please note: As of now - Bad-Timing Boy and Cheesecake-Eater Lad are
officially reserved!
***
Culinary Disasters One
Ultimate Ninja left the medbay, pondering deeply the ramifications of
his actions in letting Good-Timing Girl return to her world with Bad-Timing
Boy and Cheesecake-Eater Lad. It could spell the end of an entire world, the
destruction of an entire race, the death of two of his Legionaires, the...
"Excuse me Ultimate Ninja, but have you seen Cheesecake-Eater Lad?"
enquired a voice.
The master of all things ninja paused in his thoughts and turned to
face his questioner,
"Browsing Boy," he acknowledged, "Yes I have. He has just departed on
a mission with Bad-Timing Boy and I don't know when he will be back."
"Er... I see. This could be a problem." said Browsing Boy.
Ultimate Ninja raised an eyebrow, apparently the results of his
decision would be more immediate than he thought.
And boy were they ever.
***
California Kid zoomed into the LNH cafeteria, the sun was shining,
the sky was blue, and the surf awaited him. He stepped up to the food area,
expecting the usual range of cheesecakes.
"Um, hey like, where's all the food?" he asked. The shelves were
bare. There wasn't a hint of cheesecake anywhere.
"Hi California Kid," said Doctor Stomper, "What's cooking?"
"Like nothing, looks like."
Doctor Stomper frowned and banged on the window/bench whatsit that
separated the kitchen from the caf. "Hey, we're hungry out here!" He
staggered back in shock as Mouse stuck her head through the window and
aggressively replied, "We're hungry in here too but do you hear _us_
complaining?"
"Mouse?!" the two heros exclaimed in surprise.
"Aren't you supposed to be doing an EEPetc crossover?" asked Doctor
Stomper.
Mouse looked panicked, "Sssh. That's why we're doing our turn of the
cooking now, so that we can get on to it next."
"_Turn_ of the cooking?" asked California Kid, looking a bit
worried. Mouse nodded, "Cheesecake-Eater Lad's off on a mission and Frat Boy
and Steak-And-Potatoes Man have left too. So List Lad and Roster wReam drew
up a roster for who does the cooking while they're away. And then _she_,"
Mouse jerked a thumb into the kitchen, "Volunteered us to go first."
"She?" asked CKid.
"The hills are alive..." trilled a voice, Writers Block Woman looked
over Mouse's shoulder, "Oh hallo! Breakfast will be ready shortly." She
wandered off, humming. Mouse looked over at the two heros, "Kill me...
please." she implored. There was a crash in the background, "Don't worry,
I'll get it!" floated to them. Mouse cursed and ducked into the kitchen.
Doctor Stomper and California Kid looked at each other, "Maybe we
could, like, call out for pizza?" suggested CKid.
"Hey guys, what's with the long faces?" asked Grammer Lad, entering
the room.
***
"What's this?"
"Porridge?"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"It's just that I've never seen green porridge before." said
Mainstream Man.
"That's how we do it in Net.Zealand." replied Mouse sharply. "Next!"
"And I'm fairly sure that toast shouldn't be on fire."
"It's flambe! And I said next."
"And, well, there's this problem I have with lemon juice in my
cereal that..."
"Look," said Mouse, "Are you going to let the next person get some
food or do I have to get Comics Snob Boy to have a chat with you about
getting some Cerebus?"
"That won't be a problem," said Irony Man, "Since he sampled the
so-called 'crepe suzette' he's been too green to notice anything."
"Fine!" snarled Mouse, "He can match the porridge!"
"And what about these pancakes," said Nit-Pick Lad pointedly, holding
one up. The assembled LNHers watched as it oozed gently between his fingers.
"What exactly is in them?"
Mouse paused, "Uh... it's a secret recipe."
Nit-Pick Lad raised an eyebrow, "Really?"
"Well, okay, maybe not so secret," amended Mouse, "It's a variation
on the original recipe."
"The original recipe being a mixture of flour, milk, eggs and butter."
"Er, yes."
"And how is this a variation on it?" asked Nit-Pick Lad.
Mouse hesitated, she was occasionally fairly honest, and she didn't
want to lie... well, actually she did but everybody was watching and so...
"We added something." she said.
"What? Glue?" asked Late-Night Lad, watching as Nit-Pick Lad tried
to get his fingers apart.
"Um, say do you smell something burning?" asked Mouse.
"Yes, I think it's the toast." said Irony Man, regarding the pile of
ash.
"Back in a moment!" yelled Mouse, running into the kitchen.
***
Writers Block Woman stirred happily in the kitchen. Mouse ran in.
"Ah, my erstwhile sidekick, Subliminal Girl." she cried.
"That's your unhappy daughter, Mouse." corrected Mouse, "We have a
problem. The others are... complaining about the food."
"But why?" asked WBW, looking shocked.
"Um, could be something about how it's not very good." Mouse
suggested.
"I am doing the best with what we have!" declared Writers Block
Woman, "It's not my fault that we're a bit low on stores! I don't do the
grocery shopping around here!"
"They asked about the pancakes." said Mouse.
WBW paused, "Ah." She stirred thoughtfully, "Do you think they
suspect?"
Mouse shook her head, "They're getting awfully crotchety though."
"Mmmmm..." the two heroines regarded the pot.
"Maybe we _should_ call out." suggested Mouse.
"Mouse, that's cruel! Besides, they'll soon forget all their troubles
when they taste my piece de resistance!" WBW brandished a ladle.
Mouse sniffed at the air and gagged, "What died?"
"That," WBW informed her in an icy tone, "is the specialitie de
maison..."
Mouse paled, "No.. no... not that!"
Writers Block Woman nodded, "Yes! My Lady Macbeth special!"
***
The heros were still waiting when Mouse returned to the service area.
"Well _finally_." snarled Nit-Pick Lad, "Any luck saving the toast?"
Mouse glared at him but couldn't work up the enthusiasm to reply.
"What's wrong? You eat some of your cooking?" asked Doctor
Bad-Bedside-Manner.
"Here we go!" said Writers Block Woman, depositing a large cauldron
of bubbling stuff on the counter, "Enough for everyone." Everyone regarded
the pot without enthusiasm.
"Hurray," said Mainstream Man, "What is it?"
"Just the best darn food you'll ever taste in your whole entire
life." assured WBW.
"If it's so good, how come you're not eating any of it?" demanded
Mainstream Man.
"In my day," came a voice from the back of the line, "We heros
didn't fuss about what we ate. We went out having only drunk a cup of tea,
with no milk! Or sugar!"
"Or tea?" suggested another voice.
"You see?" said WBW, "Old-Comics Man is enthusiatic about eating it."
She spooned some into a bowl. "Here, try some." she urged.
The heros passed the bowl down till it reached Old-Comics Man, who
harrumphed, and then cautiously took a bite. Slowly a smile spread across
his face, "Mmmmmmm!" he said happily.
Only Nit-Pick Lad noticed Mouse counting quietly under her
breath... "4,3,2..."
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................. " Old Comics Man sprinted for the door,
howling all the way. He didn't quite make it and collapsed on the floor. The
other LNHers watched in fascination as something seemed to be trying to get
out of his stomach. With a final-sounding *RIP* a strange lizard-like
creature burst through and tried to scuttle off...
"Quick! Stop it!" yelled Mouse, when noone responded she grabbed the
pancakes and hurled them at the creature. They hit it with a satisfying
splat and stuck it to the floor.
"Strange. That _always_ happens." said WBW thoughtfully.
"My god, what is _in_ those pancakes?" asked Irony Man.
"Flour and water." said Mouse automatically. Then cringed as
everyone looked at her.
"Flour and WATER?! That's not pancakes! That's GLUE!" screamed
Nit-Pick Lad.
"Well, there wasn't any eggs, butter or milk so we...
argh!"
Mouse sprinted away from Grammer Lad (who had eaten some of the
porridge) who was unhappy both about the food and the use of the word wasn't
where it should be weren't.
"I'd like to see you guys do better!" she screamed.
The END.
Writers Block Woman and Mouse will survive (after all, they didn't eat any of
the stuff) and will be back before you know it in WBW #18. For continuity
purposes this story takes place after Easily-Discovered Man #25 and before
WBW (&M) #18.
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GUYS DO BETTER:
In LNHCP #30 the MisAdventures of Bad-Timing Boy will continue... but while
that is happening I've got room for some backup stories. Cheesecake-Eater
Lad and the other cooks are away and someone's got to feed this horde. I'd
like lots of stories from other LNH authors in which their own characters
have to cook for the LNH. Send them to me and I'll publish them in the
second half of each LNHCP.
Jaelle (if we can have green kiwis from Net.Zealand we can damn well have
green porridge too!)
Credits:
Ultimate Ninja is wReams, probably used with permission. :-)
Writers Block Woman and Mouse are mine.
Everyone else should have been Public Domain.
From: ihimaera_j at ix.wcc.govt.nz
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #30
Date: 27 Jun 1995 06:41:46 GMT
LNH Comics Presents #30: It's All In The Timing Part Five
The Continued MisAdventures of Bad-Timing Boy
Co-starring Cheesecake-Eater Lad
"But which side of the bed do you get up from?
It doesn't matter both sides are wrong!
Ooooh, bad luck!"
- "Bad Luck" - Funny Business.
*-*
When last we left our intrepid heros (sometime ago, blame my exams)
Bad-Timing Boy, who had lost his powers of bad-timing, Good-Timing Girl,
who had lost her powers of good-timing, and Cheesecake-Eater Lad, whose
powers were still working, had teleported to G-TG's homeworld Valhal
to try and work out why B-TB's powers were affecting the place (before he
lost them that is). Upon arrival the trio were greeted by hundreds of
Valhallie warriors who didn't look all that happy to see them...
*-*
"Wha... what's going on?" asked Bad-Timing Boy.
"You shall rue the day you ever decided to invade Valhal
interlopers!" proclaimed one of the Valhallies.
"We're not invading! We were _invited_!" yelled Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
"Oh yeah? Let's see your invitations then." demanded another Valhallie.
"_I_ invited them!" yelled Good-Timing Girl.
"Oh, well, that's alright then." said the first Valhallie, "Why
didn't you say so?" The other Valhallies lowered their weapons and began
to drift off, talking amongst themselves. The first Valhallie took off
her face mask and squinted at the group, "Oh hi Synchronicity. The
Sorcerix wants to see you."
"Thanks Clarity." said Good-Timing Girl. "Come on guys, this way."
she headed off towards a tall building. Staring, B-TB and C-ELad followed.
"Well, was that an anti-climax or what?" asked Cheesecake-Eater
Lad, trying to break the tension.
"Oh, shut up." muttered Bad-Timing Boy.
***
"Sorcerix? I'm baaaaaaaack!" yelled Good-Timing Girl, as she
entered the holy abode of the might Sorcerix.
"Good-Timing Girl! Welcome! I take it your mission to destroy the
evil one was successful?" asked the Sorcerix eagerly.
"Hey! I resent that!" yelled Bad-Timing Boy, following G-TG in.
He stopped and stared. The room that he was in was full of stuffed
animals. Huge monstrous reptiles and dangerous looking fish shared room
space with birds with big teeth and sharp claws. There were even a couple of
stuffed Tribbles in a display case. "Oy, I've got a bad feeling about this."
"Who's this?" asked the Sorcerix, stepping forward. She looked
about 4 hundred years old, give or take a millenium, she also looked
like the sort of teacher who'd stick you into detention for looking at
her funny.
Good-Timing Girl looked a little embarrassed, "Well, you see...
it's kind of a long story..."
"Why aren't I surprised?" asked another voice, as the fourth person
in the room stepped forward.
"FRANK!" G-TG ran to the man revealed, throwing her arms around
him she hugged him tightly.
"Who's Frank?" asked Cheesecake-Eater Lad, finally enterring the
room (cos the corridor was getting boring).
"I'm Frank." the man smiled at C-ELad and B-TB, "I'm
Synchronicity's older brother." he grinned widely, showing lots of
perfect teeth, with no fillings at all (bastard!). Frank was about 6 feet
tall, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and some black jeans. He had blonde
hair and green eyes. "Thanks for making sure my sister made it back here
safely after killing the evil destroying one. You must be...?" he held
out a hand for Bad-Timing Boy to shake.
"Brad Thomas Boyle, AKA Bad-Timing Boy, AKA the evil destroying
one. Nice place you got here, who did your decor?" B-TB shook Frank's
hand firmly. Frank and the Sorcerix gaped at him.
"Hoooooboy, are you sure your powers have disappeared?" asked
Cheesecake-Eater Lad asked.
*one explanation of the last four episodes later*
Frank and the Sorcerix continued to stare at Bad-Timing Boy.
"Please," Good-Timing Girl pleaded, "Don't stand there looking
like that! Blink! Please, your eyeballs are about to dry out!"
Both Frank and the Sorcerix blinked and shook their heads. "Whoa,
that was strange." said Frank.
"Is most definitely is, I've never heard of a heartsword
operating in such a manner." said the Sorcerix.
"Do you think you can fix it?" asked Bad-Timing Boy.
"Weeeeell, probably. It shouldn't be too hard to get your powers
back properly... but then we'd have to kill you." pointed out the Sorcerix.
"Um, you think we could skip that part?"
"Personally I thinkit's worked out rather well. Bad-Timing Boy's
powers are no longer a threat and Valhal is saved. Couldn't we just keep
them like they are?" asked Frank.
"NO!" yelled Good-Timing Girl and Bad-Timing Boy in unison.
"Why not?" asked Frank.
Bad-Timing Boy spluttered, "Because... because..." he thought of
all the times he'd been beaten up as a result of his power, "because..."
he thought of all the danger he'd been in because of his power
"because... because... "
"Because of the wonderful things he does." sang G-TG and Frank.
"But seriously, you don't know why." said Frank, "Your powers
have never been anything but trouble to you. And as for Synchronicity, I
know it will be a pain not having your good-timing anymore, but you can
still teleport, and Valhal will be safe."
"Ummmmm..." said B-TB and G-TG.
"Think about it, tell us what you've decided later." Frank urged,
gently pushing them and Cheesecake-Eater Lad out the door. They watched
as it closed behind them.
"Well, shit." said Bad-Timing Boy.
***
"I don't know Bad-Timing Boy," said Cheesecake Eater Lad, "It
sounds kind of... sensible."
"Call me Brad," said the former Bad-Timing Boy, "It's who I am
now I guess."
"But they said they could give you your powers back." CELad persisted.
"Yeah, at the expense of my life." Brad snarled. "Oh, I don't
know. What do you think Good-Timing Girl?"
"Synchronicity," she corrected, "If you're giving up your name so
am I. I don't know. I mean, I've always had my powers, it feels weird
without them. If it's any consolation, if you do get your powers back I
don't think I'd be able to destroy you."
"Wonderful, that just leaves us up against the Sorcerix, who
killed all her furniture herself." muttered Cheesecake Eater Lad.
"Listen Cheesecake Eater Lad, would it offend you if
Synchronicity and I discussed this alone, I mean, it does involve us."
asked Brad.
CELad hesitated, "I don't know, I was sent along to protect you,
and I don't think Ultimate Ninja would approve..."
"Yeah, but he's not here, and if there's any trouble
Synchronicity can teleport us away. 'Kay?"
"Alright, meet you back here in half an hour?" CELad asked,
stopping by a door.
"See ya." said the other two in reply, walking off deep in thought.
Cheesecake Eater Lad watched them go until they were out of site,
then leant against the door, "Well, what shall I do for half an hour?" he
wondered.
His question was answered when the door suddenly opened and he
was hit over the head by a club.
A shadowy figure (as opposed to a mysterious figure) watched as
Cheesecake Eater Lad was bound to a Mysterious Machine'O'Death (tm).
"The first of many..." is said, shadowly (well if it said it
mysteriously then it would be a mysterious figure doncha know?)
to be continued...
Credits:
Bad-Timing Boy and Cheesecake Eater Lad are Public Domain. Everyone else
was created solely for this storyline but can be used if you really want
them, just wait for the end of this story, which is not too far away.
Errata from previous issues of LNHCP:
Apologies are in order to Martin Phipps and Jeff 'Drizzt' Barnes for me
stuffing up previous credits. Ordinary Lady actually belongs to Martin,
not wReam, and Sing Along Lass belongs to Jeff. Did I get it right this time?
***
Culinary Disasters Two
Fan.Boy hummed to himself as he entered the kitchen. He was rather
surprised that he had been rostered for food duty, but he was quite happy
to do it.
[That, and the fact that Jaelle asked his writer in the sweet,
kind way she has. :) ]
He surveyed the disaster area and poked in a few drawers. What he
discovered was not nice. To sum up, it was 5 o'clock, the LNHers wanted
dinner, and there was a definite shortage of supplies in the kitchen.
Oh well, best get stuck into it, he thought. He rolled up his
sleeves (which, being spandex, resisted his attempts), and got into it.
First, a few phone calls to make.
As LNHers started arriving in the cafeteria, they were treated to an odd
assortment of sounds from the kitchen. There were several bangs and
crashes as well as the odd tuneless whistling. This lead them to assume
that Guitar Man was in there cooking, and that the Sickbay should be
readied for use.
In the kitchen, Fan.Boy whistled happily as he prepared the meal. He had
had a few problems getting the overly large pots onto the stoves, but he
was sure the new dents in the floor would go unnoticed.
He paused again to check the recipes he had picked to perform
tonight. He scanned rec.food.recipes as well as neighbouring groups,
checking what his products looked like in comparison with what they were
supposed to be.
Given the adaptations he had been forced to make to the
ingredients, he was quite happy with the final result. Although the
smell of sulphur might be considered off-putting to some.
He checked under the sink in the cabinets, found a can of
fly-spray and sprayed a bit in the air, testing the smell. Mmm, not too bad.
He up-ended the can and squirted a generous dosage into the pot.
There, that was better.
He turned to the oven and opened the door to examine the cake he
was baking. It had risen quite high by now. Fan.Boy frowned and rechecked
its recipe. Oh, a _teaspoon_ of baking power, not a tablespoon. Hey ho, a
fairly common mistake, he thought. Still, this means there'll be more to
go around.
The quiche that rec.food.veg.cooking described sounded like a
pleasant addition to the main course, but, when the microwave dinged,
Fan.Boy thought that he might have over compensated just a little bit too
much. The amount of time in the microwave was fairly proportionate to the
amount of food. More food, more time. So, when he doubled the recipe, he
doubled the amount of cooking time. Of course, he had left out some of
the ingredients due to not having them, but that shouldn't have made that
much difference.
The final splodge proved him wrong. Still, it should still taste
nice.
Fan.Boy cast one last look around his efforts.
Time for tea, he thought.
Understandably, it was Ferris Jones who first became worried by the pot
that Fan.Boy heaved out. Perhaps it was the slime mould around the
bottom, or the look of the base barely clinging to existence that clued
him in, but whatever it was, he immediately became ill as he tried _not_
to think about what was in there.
The others soon joined him in quiet panic, but it was too late to
back out now, as Fan.Boy brought the large tray of vegetable quiche out,
and looked ready to serve. He still shot one or two concerned glances
back into the kitchen, but didn't look too disturbed by the burbling sounds.
"Er, what is it?" asked Late-Nite Lad, getting the depressed
feeling that he was about to spend the entire night cleaning whatever it
was out of the kitchen.
"It's a surprise," said Fan.Boy eagerly. "But I'm not serving yet."
The room breathed a collective sigh of relief.
"I'm waiting for a few guests to arrive," he continued.
"Oh yes, and who would they be?" asked Punctuality Lad.
A knocking on the cafeteria door ended his question. "We've
here," chorused unknown voices.
The doors swung open and in poured the contents of the LNHers worst
nightmare.
"Why are there Criminals Coming into the Cafeteria?" asked
aLLiterative Lass.
"I invited them," replied Fan.Boy. "They don't get out very
often, and I wanted to meet them. Don't worry," he said to the
disbelieving faces of the heroes. "They've promised to go back to their
homes afterwards."
"OH YEAH?" said CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE.
"Shush," said Fan.Boy, and, surprisingly, he did. "They're just
here for a meal. I thought it might be nice for everyone to get together
and eat."
"I am not sitting next to him," said Linguist Lass, pointing to
Doctor Boring.
"What's wrong with me?" asked Dr. Boring. "I have a fascinating
personality, I can remember things everyone else has forgotten, I can
repeat the entire lyrics of '2000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall...'"
"Yes, please," said Sing-Along Lass. "After that we could do
'Row-Row-Row Your Boat'."
A banging sound startled everyone, but it was soon traced to
Fan.Boy banging on the side of the large pot with a ladle. "If everyone
could line up orderly, I can begin dinner."
While a queue more or less formed, with Manga Man battling with
Johnny Stomper for a good position, causing a wall to be destroyed in the
process. Everyone picked up a plate and utensils and filed pass Fan.Boy,
receiving a helping of quiche and, er, the main dish as they went.
"What exactly is this?" asked Cannon Fodder, sniffing carefully
at the... 'slop'.
"Um, perhaps you shouldn't eat any," advised Fan.Boy. "Wouldn't
want to upset anyone when your powers kick in."
Cannon Fodder's gape was pushed aside by King Konquerer. "I'm
King Konquerer, soon to be ruler of the Looniverse. I'm sure you've heard
of me."
"Oh, yes," said Fan.Boy nodding. "Of course I have."
King Konquerer reacted in surprise. "You have? Why? Nobody else
has." He took his meal bemusedly and walked over to a table.
"Have you heard of me?" he asked the LNHer sitting beside him.
"Huh?" replied the Forgetting One. "Who're you?"
Relieved in his anominity, King Konquerer turned to... enjoy his
meal.
Master Roster Man took a mouthful and nearly threw up. "What is
in here?"
"Oh, it's quite nice," said Fan.Boy. "At least, the original
sounded quite nice. I had to make a few changes 'cos we didn't have
everything we needed."
"Like?" asked Bladed Lad, fork poised at his mouth.
"Well, I couldn't find any avocados, but there was some lumpy
green things at the back of the fridge which looked pretty similar."
A few mouthfuls were ejected straight back out at this statement.
"And, I couldn't find any carrots," Fan.Boy continued. "Actually,
I think I did. They were orange, but, I have to admit, they were rather
furry."
"Didn't you find anything right?" asked Master Blaster, threateningly.
"The cheese was fine."
Ah. The cheese was fine.
"But, I had to leave the mould on, or there wouldn't have been
enough for the quiche."
There were several growling noises and general irritated silences.
Taking advantage of the pause, Fan.Boy ducked back into the
kitchen with a "Hang on. I'll just get the desert."
When he came out carrying a cake bigger than he was, everyone's
animosity was disarmed. Perhaps there was hope after all.
Webs Tor was first up for a piece, and watched with great
attention as Fan.Boy slowly inserted the knife.
Everyone's eyes followed the top of the cake as it sank towards
the bottom of the tin as the air escaped the pudding through the new hole.
Fan.Boy looked disappointedly at the result. "Erm, cake outsides
anyone?"
Large Caliber Man stood up. "What say we show our appreciation?"
he said, causing a large chain gun to appear in his hand.
"Right behind you on that one," said Spelling Boy, who was feeling
pumped up due to all the author's typoes.
"Er, guys," said Fan.Boy backing away. "Couldn't we talk about
this? Guys?"
He quickly assessed the state of the crowd, whispered a quick
thanks under his breath that he could survive death, and tried to make a
run for it.
Unfortunately for Fan.Boy, Lagneto stopped him from getting to far.
Fortunately for the rest of them, Lagneto stopped him from
getting too far.
----------------
Credits:
Everyone is copy-write their own authors. I used all sorts of people as
they hadn't been used recently and I thought that they might like to come
to a dinner. :)
Next issue: Kid Kiwi and Jynx cook (well, they try to anyways), 'helped' by
various kiwis (with friends like these... :-). Also probably the Bladed Lad
Culinary Disaster.
Hey come on guys! I want more heros cooking already! I'm planning to finish off
this storyline in two episodes so there had better be some heros in that
kitchen when I get back! Anyone can join in... please please please join in?
Just mail the story to me. I don't care how long it is. Pleeeeeease? Your time
starts now and runs out in about 2 weeks.
Jaelle
==========
Next Week: The Gut-Wrenching Conclusion of -- CULINARY DISASTERS!!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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