[MV] The Super Wizard From Space #48: The Red Hand Of General Dragutin, part 5

[Wil Alambre]

On Jul 9, 2014, at 10:12 PM, Scott Eiler <seiler at eilertech.com> wrote:
> On 7/9/2014 5:56 PM, Wil Alambre wrote:
> 
>> Can't see *anything* but blinding white. There's a sweet
>> pause of blinking relief, and then its back to stinging
>> blindness as Vaso shines the light into my other pupil. When
>> he finally turns it off, I swear I rub my eyes hard enough
>> for them to fall out.
>> 
>> "Okay, sir, you seem fine."
> 
> I read this, thought he was being examined with bright lights to determine bee-ness, and then wondered why they all seemed to be on a different planet.  That was kind of an abrupt jump.

Both of these are very good catches, and are the result of insular editing. 

In retrospect, I didn’t have to be coy about the fact they were on a different planet; *which* planet they were on was the revelatory point, not that they had moved. It would have required rewriting the entire first third of the chapter, but the story would have made for a smoother transition from the previous chapter.

I’m setting up the exams as a question to be answered. The "checking-for-bee-ness" element hadn’t occurred to me... and it really should have. If I were to rewrite, I'd completely cut out Dragutin’s exam. If I expanded out Vaso’s examination of the bees, I might have laid the same groundworks without the confusion.

Thank you, and please continue to point out any problems elements like this :)

Wil Alambre
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