[MV] The Super Wizard From Space #48: The Red Hand Of General Dragutin, part 5

[Scott Eiler]

On 7/10/2014 6:47 AM, Wil Alambre wrote:
> On Jul 9, 2014, at 10:12 PM, Scott Eiler <seiler at eilertech.com> wrote:
>> On 7/9/2014 5:56 PM, Wil Alambre wrote:
>>
>>> Can't see *anything* but blinding white. There's a sweet
>>> pause of blinking relief, and then its back to stinging
>>> blindness as Vaso shines the light into my other pupil. When
>>> he finally turns it off, I swear I rub my eyes hard enough
>>> for them to fall out.
>>>
>>> "Okay, sir, you seem fine."
>>
>> I read this, thought he was being examined with bright lights to
>> determine bee-ness, and then wondered why they all seemed to be on a
>> different planet. That was kind of an abrupt jump.
>
> Both of these are very good catches, and are the result of insular
> editing.
>
> ...  If I were to rewrite, I'd completely cut out Dragutin’s
> exam. If I expanded out Vaso’s examination of the bees, I might have
> laid the same groundworks without the confusion.
 >
> Thank you, and please continue to point out any problems elements
> likethis :)

My pleasure.  And in my world, I can rewrite most anything and 
republish.  I actually republished one whole story to RACC once after I 
got significant review comments.  8{D>


-- 
(signed) Scott Eiler  8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------

When you *are* the leader... whatever goes wrong... whether you did it
or not... *you* are held responsible. - Barack Obama

I know. - Archie Andrews

- from Archie #617, March 2011, scripted by Alex Simmons.