RACCIES: 2012 (19th Annual) RACCies Ceremony

[Adrian J. McClure]

On Thursday, April 25, 2013 9:45:15 PM UTC-4, Scott Eiler wrote:

"It's not working."

Ultimate Mercenary and his loose-knit team been trying unsuccessfully for several hours to jumpstart the car that had a few moments ago been their friend, Net.Access. [see Ultimate Mercenary #7]

"You OK, Alice?" said Victoria.

"I guess so," said Net.Access from the car radio, crackling with static. "I used to feel like this every morning when I woke up to go to classes."

"Hmmm," said Ultimate Mercenary. "What would Ultimate Ninja do here? Maybe he'd rub his hands together and try to generate static electricity..."

"That's an entirely moot point since none of us are him," said Masterplan Lad. "If my Plot Device can't recharge her with all the copious storytelling energy available in this area, than things seem fairly hopeless."

"Hmmmm," said Manga Girl. "Hey, what if we're SUPPOSED to be here?"

"I don't see why--" He frowned. Fiddling around in his pockets, he pulled out an envelope. "What's this?" He gingerly opened it and pulled out the letter. "An invitation to the RACCies? I see."

"Wait, I thought those were supposed to be out of continuity?" said Ultimate Mercenary.

"We're out of continuity right now anyway," said Net.Access. "I'm sure we're not going to remember any of this."

"So how are we supposed to get there?" said Manga Girl.

"It says to click your heels together three times and say, there's no place like RACC," said Masterplan Lad. They did so. There was a puff of smoke and all of them were seated at a table at a seemingly infinitely large, crowded room. Except for Net.Access, who was still a car, but there was enough room for her somehow anyway.

> Rachel went toward her assigned seat, among tables.  But she recognized

>

> someone down toward the stage, where they had theater seating.  Eager

>

> for *anyone* she knew, she yelled and waved.  "Hey!  Lydia!  Lydia

>

> Devin!  Hi!"

When Net.Access heard the name Lydia (which used to be her own in a world that no longer existed, before she went back to using the name from her previous history since it fit her better), she turned instinctively to hear where it was coming from (in spite of being a car). "Oh. It's her again."

"Wait, have we met her?" said Ultimate Mercenary. "Who is she?"

"I believe we have," said Masterplan Lad, "but that story hasn't been written yet."

Manga Girl gleamed with excitement. "Yay! I'll go talk to her."

"No!" said Masterplan Lad, yanking her back. "We want to keep things simple." He was looking at Lydia Devin with a mix of confusion, lust and sheer terror.

"I kind of agree,” said Victoria. “We've got enough of our own issues right now to worry about hers.”

"Look!" said Ultimate Mercenary. "It's starting!"

>

> The display screen above the stage lit up.

>

>

>

>                       o  o  o  o  o  o  o

>

>                o  o  o     The  2012     o  o  o

>

>          o  o  o  o  o   (19th Annual)   o  o  o  o  o

>

>                o  o  o  RACCie  AWARDS!  o  o  o

>

>                       o  o  o  o  o  o  o

>

"I thought this was supposed to be the 2011 ceremony?" said Masterplan Lad.

"That hasn't happened yet," said Net.Access. "Andrew got busy."

Masterplan Lad facepalmed. "Why can't these LNH writers do anything in order?"

>  "You'll be

>

> glad to know this year they will be *restrained!*"  Spotlights shone on

>

> that Power-NAUT and that Super Wizard, as tentacles enfolded them from

>

> their seats.  Aa they struggled, their energy was drained from them.

>

> Some people applauded, but Rachel gasped.

"Oh no!" said Ultimate Mercenary. "We've gotta do something!"

"I'm afraid not," said Masterplan Lad. "This isn't our storyline. Let's keep quiet and keep our heads down until this is all over, and hope those tentacles stay away from--"

> "Of course, due to recent security restrictions where many of us come

>

> from, we are pleased to implement *more* restraints!"  Tentacles came up

>

> throughout the audience, not at Rachel's table, but at many others.  No

>

> applause this time.

"Oooh," said Manga Girl. "I bet you could do all kinds of interesting stuff with this..."

"Uh..." Ultimate Mercenary blushed, which was thankfully not visible under his mask.

"Oh dear," said Masterplan Lad.

"Figures," said Net.Access.

Victoria cocked her head. "You're kind of weird, did you know that?"

"Yep!" Manga Girl beamed proudly.


> "Finally:  Four of the Cosmic Crowns!"  Four headdresses burst

>

> underneath them.

"Showoff," muttered Masterplan Lad.

>  From the theater area with the nominees...  "You have locked yourselves

>

> in a room with my anger.  The anger of the Ultimate Ninja.  I and my

>

> anger will unleash ourselves..."

"Oooh!" said Ultimate Mercenary. "He's finally gonna--"

> "Kid Kirby.  Silence Mr. Ninja."  BBBOLT from the tables

>

"Or not," sighed Victoria.

"He's got some kind of plan!" said Ultimate Mercenary. "He'll beat them later, I know it!"

> The speaker continued.  "We have harnessed the power of this ceremony

>

> itself, to call out and harness all this *other* power!  *Your* power!

>

> So now our plan commences!  The Great Plan of the Dorfs!"

Masterplan Lad frowned. "Maybe we should do something. I don't think I can stand to listen him go on for much longer.

"Yes," said Victoria. "Sitting around listening to people explain things. How awful. I guess now you know how the rest of us feel." He glared at her. "Sorry. I've just had to process too much stuff lately."

“You’re right. I suppose I know how that is.”

>

> ** BEST DISCUSSION (RACC16):  Queer LNHers/Superhuman World Sexuality!

>

> (Accepted by Fairy Princess Lad)  HONORABLE MENTION:  Three Metaphors

>

> For Superhero Teams!  (Accepted by Manga Girl)

“Ha! Trophy get!” said Manga Girl, doing a triple backflip and then finding herself grasped by the tentacles. She tried to waggle her eyebrows flirtatiously at the tentacle-trophy, but nothing happened, so she just sulked in midair.

> ** FAVORITE MINI-SERIES (RACC3):  TIE!  Beige Midnight (Accepted by

>

> Ultimate Ninja) AND Ultimate Mercenary (Accepted by Ultimate Mercenary)!

“Maybe Ultimate Ninja will notice me!” thought Ultimate Mercenary. Unfortunately he didn’t, being too preoccupied with getting into an epic struggle with the tentacles that he never noticed his former servant. Ultimate Mercenary was shocked enough about UN’s easy loss that he didn’t stand a chance.

> ** FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE (RACC5):  Beige Midnight #12!  (Accepted by

>

> Doctor Stomper)  HONORABLE MENTIONS:  System Corrupters #28 (Accepted by

>

> Crossover Queen) AND Ultimate Mercenary #7 (Accepted by Masterplan Lad)!

“Oh all right,” grumbled Masterplan Lad. He walked up to the stage and disconsolately let himself be fondled by the tentacles.


> ** FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC (RACC15):  TIE!  Adrian McClure

>

> AND Andrew Perron!  Honorable Mentions:  Scott Eiler AND Rob Rogers!

“Well of course they had to tie!” said Manga Girl. “They’re meant for each other.” She giggled.

“...What is this?” said Masterplan Lad.

“You know. They work on stuff together all the time, here and on Tumblr. I ship them.”

“You... you... Manga Girl, it doesn’t work that way. We’re the characters and they’re the writers. It’s supposed to be the other way around.”

“Says who?”

“I’m not having this conversation.”

Meanwhile, Ultimate Mercenary was determinedly ignoring them.

Eventually, once it was all sorted out and everyone had been de-tentacled, the heroes went back to their seats.

“Well that was fun,” said Victoria. “Except for the not doing anything part. But hey. We won some awards!”

“I know!” said Net.Access. “I’m so proud of you guys.” She beeped enthusiastically and zoomed ahead, almost running them over. They dodged out of the way only just in time.

“Uh, Alice...” said Victoria. “I love you, but you’re still a car.”

“...right, sorry. Well I’ll give you all a hug when I’m not a car, whenever that is.”

“Sounds good!” said Manga Girl.

“I don’t know about hugs,” said Ultimate Mercenary. “I mean, in principle.”

“I have to agree,” said Masterplan Lad. “Also if you mean to hug all of us at once, that might be a little impractical, as we’re developing a rather large cast.”

“With only five people?” said Manga Girl. “That’s nothing. Still... it is kind of hard to have us interact all at once in one place. Like, UM, you and Victoria didn’t really say anything to each other even though your relationship was the heart of the series back in the early issues.”

“Well, I’m sure he wouldn’t have included us all if he didn’t have to satisfy his ridiculous continuity fetishism. This story isn’t even in continuity. We’re going to forget all about it all back when we’re back into our own storyline.”

“Oh really?” Manga Girl giggled. She pulled out a convenient pie that was lying around and slapped it in Masterplan Lad’s face.

“You could have tried something more creative,” he said, licking some of the pie off.

Manga Girl stuck out her tongue. “This isn’t over!”

But it was. The hubbub of the party died away, the guests began to leave, and before anyone knew it the spacetime nexial Event that was the RACCIes faded away into the depths of history, to reemerge at the appointed time. And Masterplan Lad was standing in the path to nowhere, wondering why exactly there was pie on his face.

> Each Writer in the group was invited to submit a character to go on that

>

> quest, or else have a character selected as randomly and haphazardly as

>

> possible.  

And I completley missed the whole thing. :( Well I wrote all that to make up for it. I am somewhat sleep deprived at the moment and do not take responsibility for any of the above. At least I voted this time.

Adrian (thankful for the awards, and for the lack of fictional tentacles)