LNH20/REPOST: Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #6: "Playing Koi"

Andrew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Wed Sep 19 10:20:25 PDT 2012

In celebration of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, a repost of what I think is the only story I've ever written involving pirates:

Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #6:
"Playing Koi"
By Andrew Perron


On a rocky shore, blue-skinned humanoids rose from the crashing waves.  
Their mouths were puckered, with a single, long tooth protruding from 
them.  They wore exquisitely tailored suits made from waterproof 
materials, and as they stepped into the air, they attached long, 
flowing capes.

"Holy crap!" said Kid Enthusiastic. "Underwater vampires!"

"Aye," said the Dualcoresair. "The Abyssal Court.  When a sailor's soul 
be too weighed down by sin to float, they sink to the depths, and 

"Actually," said Professor Penumbra, looking through the periscope of 
the Dualcoresair's submarine, the Jolly Hotspot, "they're an offshoot 
of mainstream vampirism, created through immortality experiments by 
renegade @lantean mages."

"But I didn't think @lantis was associated with the sea in this 
universe," said Kid E.

"Yes, well, I didn't think you had that level of fourth-wall awareness 
in this universe."

"Neither do you!"



"Yarrr!" said DC, the long fake beard she wore for pirate cred curling 
up at the end.  She activated the gun-sight and locked on to the 
Abyssals that were still beneath the surface. "Whichever they be, 
undead scourge or racial minority, me magnet links will make short work 
of 'em!"

She pulled the lever, and from the torpedo tubes, bundles of flexible 
chains shot out.  They wrapped around the vampires, trapping them in 
place, then magnetized, pulling each vampire together into a single, 
struggling bundle.  One vampire, wearing a multicolored, flowing dress 
and a complex helm with long horns on it, spun nimbly out of the way, 
but the army was neatly routed - for the moment.

Kid Enthusiastic nodded. "Good job!  Okay, Adam, hit me with a 
translation spell!"

Professor Penumbra wiggled his fingers.  Kid Enthusiastic took the 
microphone and hit the button to extend speakers on the outside of the 
sub, because of course it had one of those, don't be silly.

"Members of the Abyssal Court!  This is the Legion of Net.Heroes!"


"...uh, and allies!  State your business here!"

The horned vampire put her hands on her hips and stared up at the sub 
defiantly. "I am Princess Caramella!  You humans are cuttling in on 
things that don't cod-cern you, and you're doing it on porpoise!"

Kid Enthusiastic looked over his shoulder. "...are you sure you cast 
that spell right?"

Professor Penumbra shrugged. "It seems a very colorful language, 

Kid E turned back to the microphone. "Well, I'm sorry, but how have we 
been encroaching on the deep sea?  Is this about the oil wells, or...?"

"Oh, you betta not be telling me you can't sea what you're doing!" She 
fumed. "You're dumping carbon dioxide into the ocean with outraygeous 
carelessness, and it's acidifying!"

Kid E winced. "Ah, yeah, that..."

"Shell yeah that!  We don't want to be your anemones--"


"Think she means 'enemies'," whispered the Dualcoresair.

"--but we're knot going to let you treat us like a junkyard!"

"Er, well, that is, um--"

Professor Penumbra leaned in, and Kid Enthusiastic gratefully 
relinquished the mike. "Ah, yes, I can see that you're serious.  You're 
not going to let the humans dump whatever they want in the Abyssal 
Court's space."

"That's right!"

"Not like the Abyssal Court did to the intelligent squid living in the 
Marianas Trench."

"--!" It was hard to tell in the murky water, but the Princess looked 
embarrassed. "Th-that's different!  We didn't min-know, and anyway, 
when I took power, I made that gillegal!"

Professor Penumbra nodded. "Right.  We're still working on that last 
part; we have decades of ignorance to make up for.  But if you come by 
to lend your political support..."

By this point, the soldiers had managed to escape the magnets and were 
massing in formation around the sub, but Princess Caramella held them 
back with a gesture. "Okay, okay, I get what you're angling at.  But 
are we just supposed to bereef your word?  Do you have any proof of 
your fintentions?"

"Ah!  Hang on a sec!" Kid Enthusiastic grabbed his backpack and 
rummaged through it.  He pulled out a metal tube with spherical filters 
at either end.  He took an Instant Underwater Breathing Pill and hopped 
out the airlock, clambering around the side and dropping on his rear in 
front of the confused Princess.

He stood up, dusted himself off, and presented her with the tube. "This 
here's an oceanic carbon sequestration unit!  It's only a proof of 
concept, of course, but we can totally work out larger versions!"

"Whale..." She sighed and smiled. "It's a good thing you're so cute!  
Okay, we'll try it!"

"Awesome!  Y'see, this version should process about two liters a 
minute, lowering the dissolved..."

"..." The Dualcoresair scratched her head. "So... why'd we just let 'im 
jump out like that?"

Professor Penumbra shrugged. "He's like a force of nature, that one.  
And whenever you try and mess with nature, it comes back to bite you in 
the... dorsal fin."


Author's Note: I'm making the Dualcoresair and Princess Caramella 
available as General Use characters.  I'm imagining the latter as 
LNH20's version of Namor, only cuter.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, nom nom story

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