LNH20/REPOST: Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #6: "Playing Koi"
pwerdna at gmail.com
Wed Sep 19 10:20:25 PDT 2012
In celebration of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, a repost of what I think is the only story I've ever written involving pirates:
Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #6:
By Andrew Perron
On a rocky shore, blue-skinned humanoids rose from the crashing waves.
Their mouths were puckered, with a single, long tooth protruding from
them. They wore exquisitely tailored suits made from waterproof
materials, and as they stepped into the air, they attached long,
"Holy crap!" said Kid Enthusiastic. "Underwater vampires!"
"Aye," said the Dualcoresair. "The Abyssal Court. When a sailor's soul
be too weighed down by sin to float, they sink to the depths, and
"Actually," said Professor Penumbra, looking through the periscope of
the Dualcoresair's submarine, the Jolly Hotspot, "they're an offshoot
of mainstream vampirism, created through immortality experiments by
renegade @lantean mages."
"But I didn't think @lantis was associated with the sea in this
universe," said Kid E.
"Yes, well, I didn't think you had that level of fourth-wall awareness
in this universe."
"Neither do you!"
"Yarrr!" said DC, the long fake beard she wore for pirate cred curling
up at the end. She activated the gun-sight and locked on to the
Abyssals that were still beneath the surface. "Whichever they be,
undead scourge or racial minority, me magnet links will make short work
She pulled the lever, and from the torpedo tubes, bundles of flexible
chains shot out. They wrapped around the vampires, trapping them in
place, then magnetized, pulling each vampire together into a single,
struggling bundle. One vampire, wearing a multicolored, flowing dress
and a complex helm with long horns on it, spun nimbly out of the way,
but the army was neatly routed - for the moment.
Kid Enthusiastic nodded. "Good job! Okay, Adam, hit me with a
Professor Penumbra wiggled his fingers. Kid Enthusiastic took the
microphone and hit the button to extend speakers on the outside of the
sub, because of course it had one of those, don't be silly.
"Members of the Abyssal Court! This is the Legion of Net.Heroes!"
"...uh, and allies! State your business here!"
The horned vampire put her hands on her hips and stared up at the sub
defiantly. "I am Princess Caramella! You humans are cuttling in on
things that don't cod-cern you, and you're doing it on porpoise!"
Kid Enthusiastic looked over his shoulder. "...are you sure you cast
that spell right?"
Professor Penumbra shrugged. "It seems a very colorful language,
Kid E turned back to the microphone. "Well, I'm sorry, but how have we
been encroaching on the deep sea? Is this about the oil wells, or...?"
"Oh, you betta not be telling me you can't sea what you're doing!" She
fumed. "You're dumping carbon dioxide into the ocean with outraygeous
carelessness, and it's acidifying!"
Kid E winced. "Ah, yeah, that..."
"Shell yeah that! We don't want to be your anemones--"
"Think she means 'enemies'," whispered the Dualcoresair.
"--but we're knot going to let you treat us like a junkyard!"
"Er, well, that is, um--"
Professor Penumbra leaned in, and Kid Enthusiastic gratefully
relinquished the mike. "Ah, yes, I can see that you're serious. You're
not going to let the humans dump whatever they want in the Abyssal
"Not like the Abyssal Court did to the intelligent squid living in the
"--!" It was hard to tell in the murky water, but the Princess looked
embarrassed. "Th-that's different! We didn't min-know, and anyway,
when I took power, I made that gillegal!"
Professor Penumbra nodded. "Right. We're still working on that last
part; we have decades of ignorance to make up for. But if you come by
to lend your political support..."
By this point, the soldiers had managed to escape the magnets and were
massing in formation around the sub, but Princess Caramella held them
back with a gesture. "Okay, okay, I get what you're angling at. But
are we just supposed to bereef your word? Do you have any proof of
"Ah! Hang on a sec!" Kid Enthusiastic grabbed his backpack and
rummaged through it. He pulled out a metal tube with spherical filters
at either end. He took an Instant Underwater Breathing Pill and hopped
out the airlock, clambering around the side and dropping on his rear in
front of the confused Princess.
He stood up, dusted himself off, and presented her with the tube. "This
here's an oceanic carbon sequestration unit! It's only a proof of
concept, of course, but we can totally work out larger versions!"
"Whale..." She sighed and smiled. "It's a good thing you're so cute!
Okay, we'll try it!"
"Awesome! Y'see, this version should process about two liters a
minute, lowering the dissolved..."
"..." The Dualcoresair scratched her head. "So... why'd we just let 'im
jump out like that?"
Professor Penumbra shrugged. "He's like a force of nature, that one.
And whenever you try and mess with nature, it comes back to bite you in
the... dorsal fin."
Author's Note: I'm making the Dualcoresair and Princess Caramella
available as General Use characters. I'm imagining the latter as
LNH20's version of Namor, only cuter.
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, nom nom story
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