REPOST/LNH: The Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II #14: The Trouble with Recreated Dream Girls
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Sep 18 12:26:28 PDT 2012
Here's Ripping Dancer's first appearance way back in 2006... (also the
first appearance of You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad)
Old School logo seemed appropriate...
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
VOL II: Number Fourteen
It wasn't Fred's fault. He was just minding his own business. Catching
up on his magazine reading. He tried to ignore her like he ignored most
of the people who tried to get his attention while he was manning the
LNH receptionist desk. But -- there was something about her that he
couldn't ignore. Maybe it was that sweet seductive smell that seemed to
hover around her. Or was it the voice that seemed to be nibbling at his
ears? Fred looked up. Which was a mistake. A big mistake.
First there was the shirt. It was a ripped shirt. Ripped in all the
right places. So many rips. It was a wonder why the shirt didn't just
fall off. How it seemed to go right towards the edge of what was
acceptable in a Comics Code Comic and just hang there. It was hard to
go past the shirt because he could have just stared at that shirt for
ages, but there was so much more to look at. There were the long
slender perfect arms with their perfect slender hands. And then there
was the area between her shirt and her cut-off jeans. A perfect bare
skin bridge. It seemed close enough to just touch. And the shorts.
The very cut-off ripped jeans. The ripped, ripped, ripped jeans. No,
he had to escape this. Go to the face. Go to the face!
Ah, but the face -- The face was the killer. There was no escape from
the face. It was eye quicksand. Eyes like a drowning man's sky. Lips
like ruby handcuffs. And hair -- like a pyromaniac's temple. Fred knew
when he saw that face that he was going to have to do every single thing
this lady wanted. No choice. No choice at all.
"Hi, Fred. My name's Ripping Dancer. I'm the new Taste. I'm the new
Desire. I'm the new Chains. And I'm the LNH's newest Fire."
=======================================================================
Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II: Number Fourteen
=======================================================================
**** The Trouble with Recreated Dream Girls ****
=======================================================================
"Ok. Umm -- So -- will you be Conquering Us? Or Joining Us today?"
"Um -- Joining. Definitely. Maybe some conquering a little bit later,"
she said with a sly smile.
"I'll just check down both boxes." Fred made a couple of X's. "Okay.
Powers. What sort of powers do you have?"
"The power to rip things off."
"Hmm. I think Deja Dude already has that power."
"Umm -- No. I don't think Deja Dude can rip things off quite the way I
can. Let me Demonstrate."
She stepped back and did a little twirl. Her body twisted and spun.
Every part of her body flowed like mercury.
And as Fred watched her dance he could feel something. A force grabbing
his shirt. Then he heard a tear. Some wild unseen force was just
totally ripping his shirt to shreds. Fred caught his breath when she
finished her dance. "Yeah, I don't think Deja Dude has ever done
anything quite like that -- at least not to me."
"And I can do more. Like clothing under clothing." She wiggled her
hips a bit as she started to enter another dance move.
Fred suddenly had a very awkward feeling as he felt some part of his
clothing beneath his pants start to rip. "Umm. Just so you know. This
isn't quite an Acraphobe story as much as I wish it was right now."
"Sorry. Just so you know though, I can rip through anything while I'm
dancing. Paper. Walls. Steel. Time. Space. Body Parts. Minds.
That's my power. Ripping. So, do I get in?"
"I believe so. Incredibly Sexy Dancer who can rip things to shreds is
one of our positions we've needed filled ever since the last one quit.
You just need to fill out this paperwork..."
"Fred." Ripping Dancer lightly touched Fred's hand. "Couldn't you be a
dear and do all that boring paperwork for me?"
If there was one thing that could possibly break the hold this woman had
on Fred it was the suggestion that he do more paperwork. Especially,
paperwork that no one was paying him to do. Fred tried to say No, but
her smile -- her smile was like a hundred ton gorilla. "I -- I guess I
could do that -- but I don't -- I don't know anything about you. I
don't even know your name?"
"Oh, just make up a name that sounds good. And fill in the rest with
whatever you feel like -- it's not like anyone's ever going to actually
read it."
"I guess I can do that." It was a strange request, still, she was
probably right. People rarely ever bothered to read all this stupid
paperwork.
"You're such a sweet guy. I think I'm going to take to take a tour of
LNHQ now, okay?" She waved bye to Fred.
"Umm -- okay. Bye." Fred watched as she walked away. Her back seemed
even more amazing than her front if that was at all possible. She
reminded him of someone. Someone from the past? No. Not the past.
Someone in a dream. Yes. A dream. Although for some reason he
expected her to have a tail.
=======================================================================
"Who's the coolest superhero ever?"
"You are Master Blaster. You're the tops. You're the Mona Lisa.
You're the Leaning Tower of Pisa," said Wikiboy who only said that
because Master Blaster had edited him to say that. For what WikiBoy
really thought of Master Blaster, well, we really can't put those words
into a family comic like this.
"Damn straight." Master Blaster played with his sunglasses a bit while
he leaned against one of the LNHQ's walls. "I probably should be saving
the world or something. What do you think, WikiBoy?"
"Oh, no, Rob! Then who would edit me to do horrible humiliating things
to myself that are crimes of nature and should probably send you to jail
for life if there was any kind of justice in this world?"
"Hmm," said Master Blaster completely ignoring WikiBoy. "My MacDaddy
Vibes are picking up something. Something big. Goddam big! Christ!
It can't be! It's like some kind of a Sexual Super Nova! God. Nothing
can be that big! It goes against the Laws of Sexual Physics! It's
getting closer. Closer! Damn. Do you see that? It's not possible!
Are you seeing this?"
"No. I'm afraid not. I'm completely absorbed in the brilliant God like
being that is Master Blaster. Perhaps you could edit me to look at
other people besides you?"
"Damn. I think I'm in love. God, she's the hottest thing ever!"
"Should I remind you that you're married, Rob?"
"WikiBoy edit yourself to forget the fact that I'm married. Damn.
Married. Why couldn't I have used a condom that one night? Just one
night and I'd be free. My life's a tragedy, WikiBoy."
"Would you like me to edit myself to shed a tear?"
"I wonder if I could time-travel back to before I got wReanna pregnant
and then --? Oh well. Hey, Kid Anarky! Checkout the Babe! Have you
ever seen a Hotter One?"
Kid Anarky looked up briefly as he walked in the direction of Master
Blaster. For one brief moment there was a glimmer in his eyes. But
unfortunately some memories came with that glimmer. The glimmer was
replaced by a sadness. A deep unexplainable sadness.
"Just an imitation. Not even close to real thing."
"Just an imitation? Just an imitation? What the hell? My God, Anarky!
Are you blind? This chick's so hot she could melt the Looniverse like
a snowman in a tanning booth! What happened to you, Anarky? Ever since
that time back in '99 when you had that mental breakdown -- you've been
getting flakier and flakier every year! Christ!"
Kid Anarky just shrugged and then eventually slipped away back into
Limbo again.
"Oh, man! She's coming closer! How do I look, WikiBoy?"
"If there were a Fonze in the Pantheon of Greek Gods you'd be that God,
Master Blaster. Although if you'd like, I could edit myself to speak an
actual honest opinion."
"Hey, I'm kind of new here," Ripping Dancer said entering the
conversation. "One of you guys wouldn't happen to know who the LNH Tour
Guide Person is?"
"Hey, Babe -- looks like this is your lucky day. Just happens to be
that's my middle name. LNH Tour Guide. Master 'LNH Tour Guide' Blaster."
"I thought your middle name was.." WikiBoy started to say.
"WikiBoy you do not have a mouth."
WikiBoy touched his face with a horrified expression. He had a great
urge to scream. But he had no mouth.
=======================================================================
The Self-Righteous Preacher looked down at his John the Baptist watch.
It was going to be a busy day.
First thing, he had this meeting with some network executives at the POX
channel where he was going to have to convince them to cancel this
horrible new vile godless show called, 'The Communist Homosexual Atheist
Happy Fun Hour!' And then he was going to have to get a haircut. And
then he was going to have to do an interview with Limbaugh Man.
He just hoped he wouldn't be delayed by any sinful LNH activities.
Maybe just this once he could walk from his LNH room all the way to the
LNHQ entrance without stopping to save some souls from wicked
debauchery. That would be nice. Just one time.
And then -- And then it happened. At first he just stared. It didn't
seem possible. That something like this could possibly happen in the
LNH. And then his blood started to boil. It couldn't be! Repressed
memories started to surge in his brain. It was the 90's. Slick Willy
was in the White House. And the LNHQ was -- was -- swarming with
half-naked cat girls! An orgy of half-naked cat girls! Twitching their
tails in a perverted fashion! It couldn't be. That could have never
happened. Never on his watch! There was never a half-naked cat girl in
the LNH. What were causing these nightmarish visions? Lies! Satanic
Lies!! Why was he thinking about some abomination that had never
existed in the first? Must go back to reality!
It was her! He looked at the slutty harlot that had triggered these
Satanic Lies. She wasn't a cat girl. Some kind of a witch obviously.
A filthy whorish witch walking around the LNH barely with a shred of
clothing on her! It was like watching the Gates of Hell open right in
the LNHQ! He had to save the LNH! She looked at him! And she gave him
a devilish smile! He gripped his cross tightly. Our Father who art in
Heaven -- Give me strength! Oh, Give Me Strength! It was time to give
some -- Bible Lessons!
=======================================================================
Frat Boy, carefully, dipped his french-fry into some ketchup. "Man,
Sarc. I knew should have gotten five packets of ketchup. There are
just too many fries on my plate for four packets of ketchup! What am I
going to do when I run out of ketchup?"
Before Sarcastic Lad could come up with some ego-slaughtering barb to
deflate Frat Boy's inquiry, the two heroes heard a loud cry.
"You will pay for this! Evil 666 Fondling Whore!! When I get back to
my room and put some new clothes on..."
Frat Boy and Sarcastic watched a very naked man with a very, very red
face running very, very fast through the LNH cafeteria. The man also
with incredibly speed waved his hands so to hide his most private parts
as he screamed and cursed his way out of the cafeteria.
"Whoahh!! Was that -- was that who I think it was?"
"Frats, ol' chum -- I'm surprised at you! What in the world are they
teaching you at that old sheep skin factory you go to? That man, right
there -- that man that you and I just saw running through the cafeteria
naked as a new-born baby -- That was the guy who invented Spring Break!
Who invented Mardis Gras! Who invented the Preachers Gone Wild video
series! Who fought for our right to party! Yes, my dear Frat Boy. The
man who we just saw is a living legend. He's the reason America is
still the Greatest Country in the World! And -- He's the man who taught
me everything I ever knew about life. That man..." Sarcastic Lad
brushed something next to his eye. Perhaps a teardrop. "...Was my Dad."
=======================================================================
"Are you ready?" the Ultimate Ninja said standing in attack pose #1567.
"I suppose so," the Ripping Dancer said leaning against the Peril Room
wall in an alluring and suggestive pose.
"Well. Let's see what you've got. I'm giving you the first strike."
The Ripping Dancer stretched both of her arms out and then lifted up one
of her legs. She quickly kicked the floor with that leg and gave
herself a violent twirl. Her arms and legs started to blur in a
hypnotic spinning motion. Before the Ultimate Ninja realized it, he
felt his entire ribcage crack right open. And then he saw that the
Ripping Dancer was holding something. A heart. A bloody heart!
The Ultimate Ninja quickly threw a Ginsu Katana blade right into the
forehead of the Ripping Dancer. She fell to the floor dead.
The Ultimate Ninja in great pain stumbled his way to her corpse to
examine the heart she held in her hand.
"Impressive. Unfortunately, for you -- you chose the wrong one. You
chose -- My Fake Heart!"
=======================================================================
"Thank you for helping with my suitcase -- umm -- sorry didn't get your
name?" Ripping Dancer said to a mysterious superhero carrying her luggage.
"Move-Del, Miss. I have the power to move things."
"Do you want a tip -- or something?"
"Oh no, Miss. I mean if you wouldn't mind if I took a couple of
pictures of -- I mean they're for this collection of mine. Umm --
photos of LNH members. Yeah, that's what they're for!"
Ripping Dancer shrugged her hands and obliged.
=======================================================================
Ripping Dancer shut the door behind her and looked at the room. Her room.
So this is how the Gods and Goddesses live.
She looked at the Queen-Sized bed with a bedspread that had the LNH logo
all over it. There was a big 'Everything you need to know about the
LNH' manual on the bed. There was a control panel on the wall. She
walked over and pressed some buttons. One of the buttons caused some
kind of complex exercise equipment to emerge from the floor, another
caused a giant TV screen to appear, and still another caused a gigantic
poster of wReamhack to appear.
She checked her bathroom out. Towels, soaps, and little shampoo
containers all with the LNH logo upon them. The bathtub had quite a bit
of room.
The closets seemed to contain an incredible amount of space. She opened
the fridge and she found a cheesecake with the words, 'Welcome to the
LNH' on it.
She walked over towards the big glass window. She had a breathtaking
view of the Oblivion Towers. Strange. A bunch of LNH'rs with
binoculars seemed to be gazing in her direction. She shut the blinds.
There was no way she could get used to this. It was too much. It was
wonderful. And it was scary. She didn't belong here. None of this was
right. And she walked over to one of the big gigantic mirrors and
looked at herself. God, she was beautiful. This wasn't her. This was
someone else. She gazed at herself for a few minutes. And then she
began unpacking stuff.
She had a briefcase. A briefcase with a combination lock. She looked
around the room again. Were there cameras here? Probably. She
carefully unlocked it and took a peek. Enough for a week.
Enough for a week. She closed the briefcase and sighed to herself.
=======================================================================
"So. Is this neat or what?" The voice came from the LNH'r called
Catalyst Lass. A senior member who had been a part of the LNH since the
early 90's who had the power to make people share her interests. "Oh
BTW, I'm Cat." She put out her hand.
"Oh, hi. Ripping Dancer. I'm new here."
"You don't say," Catalyst Lass gave a friendly wink. "Oh, and I should
probably mention that I've got this crazy twin running around who goes
by the name Cat too. Or Hell Catalyst. She's a bit of a ditz though.
Fun gal though. But enough about me and my crazy daisy life. How are
you adjusting?"
"Well this is all kind of bizarre. Strange hallways that seem to change
direction all the time. Vanishing rooms. I think I'm getting the hang
of it though. The guys have been really great showing me stuff and all
that. The girls -- I don't know. They seem to be more aloof."
"Well, they probably just need to get to know you better. Hey, wait.
Just thought of something. Every Wednesday me and a bunch of the girls
have this poker night (barring crossovers -- chaotic add-on storylines
-- and other things that play havoc to girl poker night). You should
come! I think Linguistic Lass is holding our next one. It will be
Super Dooper Fun! Promise! With Sugar on top!"
"Well, I guess I could do that. If I won't be a bother?"
"I'm sure all the girls will be thrilled. Oh and you might want to see
New Look Lass about that outfit of yours. It definitely could use some
stitching up. It must be horrible having to walk around in those
shredded rags!"
"Hmm. Actually, I think my power causes this."
"Really? Whoops! Sorry, didn't know. Well, I guess we all have our
painful burdens to bear. So, do you know who your drill instructor is yet?"
"Someone called," Ripping Dancer took a piece of paper out of her
pocket, "Fuzzy? Do you who that is?"
"Ooh! Fuzzy! Ah!" A big smirk appeared on Catalyst Lass's face.
"Well. Fuzzy's great. I'm sure you'll have loads of fun. Fun, fun,
fun. She just gets a kick out of new recruits. Boy, you're going to
have fun. Well, gotta go. Nice knowing you." Catalyst Lass's face
seemed to be on the verge of a snickering explosion as she quickly
walked away from Ripping Dancer.
=======================================================================
Ripping Dancer's heart felt like it was about to explode. Her face was
on the grass and she couldn't seem to get up.
"God. You people are pathetic! You can't even do one hundred one
handed pushups? You can't even do that much?!" said an ambiguous blur
standing on the LNH lawn. A blur called Fuzzy. "I've seen more effort
from Super Apathy Lad!"
"It's bad enough that you couldn't complete the 20 mile hike! This has
to be the most embarrassing day in all of LNH history! I almost wish
that the Brotherhood of Net.Villains would just swoop down and slaughter
the lot of you. No, wait! You don't deserve that! It probably should
be some incredibly mediocre team like the Union of Useless that should
destroy you! Wait! That's too good! Maybe a paraplegic Cowardly Lott
running you people over with a wheelchair? How's that sound? God.
What have I done to deserve this? Please, God. Tell me."
God seemed to be completely silent on the matter.
"I just wish that we still lived in the days when drill instructors
could still flog people," Fuzzy said shaking her head.
Me too, You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad thought sighing to himself.
=======================================================================
Oh, God. She shouldn't be here. What was she thinking? Why did she
forget what day it was?
There were no more potions. And it was going to run out at midnight.
Everything. This dream was about to burst. She had to get out of the LNHQ.
No. It was too late. Already midnight. She could feel herself
changing. She didn't want to look. God. It was too late.
She had to look though. She just had to.
So she turned on the lights and looked in the mirror.
It was horrible. She looked horrible. God.
Ugly again. Fat and ugly. Why?
She had to get more potions. She couldn't go back to the way she was.
She just couldn't. She had to get out of here.
She had to be beautiful again.
=======================================================================
She grabbed some sheets from her bed. Ripping Dancer's clothes didn't
seem to fit too well anymore and she couldn't very well run through the
LNHQ naked. She grabbed a purse. She'd need money for a cab. She
called one a half-hour ago. Hopefully it would be waiting when she got
out of the LNHQ. Hopefully.
Now all she had to do was get from her room to the LNHQ lobby. Covered
in sheets. Completely naked under those sheets. Boy, she was tempting
fate.
Since she was on the sixth floor, she'd probably have to take the
elevator. Hopefully, the elevator would be empty.
She opened her door and took a brief look to see if anyone was out
there. It was clear. She ran quickly to the nearest elevator. So far
clear. She hit the down button repeatedly. Come on. Come on.
There. Empty. Thank God! Hopefully, it would go straight down to the
lobby. No stops. Please. No stops!
But the elevator had other plans as it stopped on the fifth floor.
Bad Timing Boy and a couple kiwis stepped on.
"Hmm," Bad-Timing Boy said, "Say. You're new here, aren't you?"
"Yes," Ripping Dancer said through gritted teeth. "I'm -- uh -- LNH Bed
Sheets Lass -- and please don't touch the sheets -- they have -- umm --
the touch of death!"
"Ookay," Bad-Timing Boy stepped away to another corner of the elevator.
The kiwis followed Bad-Timing Boy.
The elevator stopped at the fourth floor.
Master Roster Man and Cannon Fodder got on.
"Oh no. Not you," Cannon Fodder said looking straight at Bad-Timing
Boy. "I can't get on this elevator Master Roster Man."
"Why not?"
"Because every time I get on an elevator with this idiot I die!" Cannon
Fodder gave Bad-Timing Boy the evil eye.
"I can't help it if you're prone to death!" said Bad-Timing Boy in his
defense.
"Look," Master Roster Man said trying to bring reason to this
discussion. "You might die in this elevator if you take it, True. But
on the other hand if you take the stairs you might also die. You've got
to face that fact. If you're going to die regardless you might as well
take the elevator."
"Fine. I'll take the elevator. But I better not die," Cannon Fodder
said as he glared at Bad-Timing Boy. "I just better not."
As the two heroes joined the others on the elevator, Bad-Timing suddenly
realized something. "Wait! Cannon Fodder! Don't touch the..."
Bad-Timing Boy tried to pull his friend away from the Bed Sheets of
Death, but unfortunately instead tripped on one of the kiwis and pushed
Cannon Fodder right on top of the female who claimed to be LNH Bed
Sheets Lass. Right on the Bed Sheets of Death.
"Oh God! You're touching the Bed Sheets of Death! I'm sorry Cannon
Fodder! I've killed you again! I'm so sorry!" Tears started streaming
from Bad-Timing Boy's eyes. "Oh God! What have I done?"
"What the...?" Cannon Fodder said with a horrified expression on his
face as his hands gripped the LNH Bed Sheets. "Bed Sheets of Death?
Bed Sheets of Death?! Not Again! Can't Die Again! God, I'm Dead! I'm
Dead! Wait a sec. I don't feel dead. Hmm. In fact I feel fine! I'm
Alive! I'm Alive! God! It's a Miracle, Bad-Timing Boy!"
All three heroes looked at the female wearing LNH Bed Sheets around her
body. "Umm? It's a slow death?" she said with a sheepish voice.
"There's something funny going on here," Master Roster Man said to
himself with a grim expression. "Who is she, Bad-Timing Boy?"
"Umm. She said her name was LNH Bed Sheets Lass. At least I think
that's what she said."
Master Roster Man used his incredible power to know who was and who
wasn't a member of the LNH. "There is no such member of the LNH. She's
a fraud!" Master Roster Man hit his comm.watch.thingee. "Ultimate
Ninja? We've got a 747 in EV3. We're going to the lobby."
The elevator stopped on the third floor. And that's when the ninjas got on.
A katana skewered right through Cannon Fodder's chest. "Oh @#$%*! Not
Again!" were Cannon Fodder's last words.
"This elevator is now under Ninja Law! You will do as we say or you
will all die!" said the guy who appeared to be in charge of the ninjas.
Oh God, Ripping Dancer thought to herself, This isn't happening! All I
want to do is get to the lobby!
"You will take this elevator to the thirteenth floor, or -- You will Die!!"
I don't want to go to the thirteenth floor. I want to go to the lobby!
Why is this happening? Ripping Dancer thought to herself.
"Umm," Master Roster Man broke in, "There is no Thirteenth Floor. The
LNHQ has only Ten Floors."
"No! That's where you're wrong," said Ninja Leader Guy, "Let me
explain. There is a Legend. A Place. A Place where a Ninja can feel
like a Ninja. Where a Ninja can sing Ninja Songs. Where Ninjas have
Ninja picnics and Dance Ninja Dances. A place where we can laugh and
cry. A place full of Ninja Circuses and Ninja Rainbows. A beautiful
peaceful place where Ninjas no longer have to feel oppressed! No longer
have to hide in the dark shadows. A Place. A Place called -- Ninja
Nirvana." Something glistened from the Leader Ninja's eye. "And it is
here. In this building. On the Thirteenth Floor. I have searched long
for this place. I have killed many. Too many. All the bodies -- all
the corpses -- They haunt me. But now I can finally know peace. Now I
can finally put down my sword and end this orgy of death. We are all
going to the Thirteenth Floor and I will kill anyone who tries to stop me!
"I wasn't planning on stopping you," pointed out Bad-Timing Boy. "Ninja
Nirvana sounds fun! Does it have rollercoasters?"
"Punch in the code," the Lead Ninja said ignoring Bad-Timing Boy's
question. One of his lackey ninjas started punching in numbers on the
control panel.
Master Roster Man punched in some codes in his wristwatch to warn
Ultimate Ninja about this.
The elevator started rising up.
4. 5. 6. 7.
8. 9.
10.
11.
12.
And finally...
13.
The door opened.
All of the people that were still alive in the elevator gazed with wonder.
They saw the greenest Ninja Grass. They saw gigantic Ninja Bushes full
of tasty Ninja Berries. They saw Happy Ninja Clouds floating in the sky
jumping over Ninja Rainbows.
"God. It's beautiful." The Ninja Leader just stared. "I'm here. I
can't believe it. After all these years. After all that blood. Ninja
Nirvana. Hmm. That's strange. Why are all those ninjas sleeping?"
And then the Lead Ninja noticed a guy. A guy wearing a trenchcoat. A
guy pointing a gun straight at his head.
And before he could throw a shuriken or katana at the guy he felt a
hurricane of bullets baptize him.
Leader Ninja Guy slumped towards the ground. "No. Can't Die. Not yet.
Just One. Just One Picnic. Ninja Picnic. All I wanted." His finger
lightly touched one of the Ninja Grass Blades. And then he died.
The guy with the trenchcoat stepped onto the elevator. "Going down."
And then he threw a lit cigarette out of it as the elevator's doors
closeed. What followed was a horrific explosion. Ninja Nirvana was
going up in a huge ball of fire. All the ninja picnic baskets and ninja
golf carts. Everything. Consumed in Fire. The elevator door closed.
The guy with the trenchcoat lit another cigarette.
"You know. I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here." Bad-Timing
Boy made a coughing sound.
"For God's Sake, BTB! Just leave it! Just leave it!" Master Roster
Man said closing his eyes and whispering a prayer.
"So. Anyone here seen any good movies?" Bad-Timing Boy said trying to
change the subject.
"Look. I'm a guy. I wear a trenchcoat. And -- I fight ninjas. I
don't do small talk," said the guy wearing the trenchcoat who fought ninjas.
Bad-Timing Boy thought about that for a bit. "Hmm. I don't think I've
seen any of those. Do any of them have any female nudity?"
And finally, the elevator hit the lobby. Ripping Dancer sighed with
relief. Now all she had to do was make a break for it. And she did.
Unfortunately, her LNH Bed Sheets wanted to stay where they were.
She was completely naked running through the LNH lobby. And she was
running very fast. At least she still had her purse.
"Stop!" Master Roster Man shouted. "Someone stop that naked fat chick
from leaving! She -- Umm -- Hmm. You know -- When I say it like that
it kind of sounds bad. Maybe -- We should just let this one pass?"
"Yeah. Probably," Bad-Timing Boy nodded.
"Man," Master Roster Man said to himself, "Why was I going to the lobby
again? Damn."
=======================================================================
The cab was still waiting. She rushed towards it waving her arms.
The cab driver stared in shock for a bit and then finally spoke.
"Whoahh there! Sorry Miss. No shirt, shoes, or pants. No service."
"If you don't let me in this cab I will use my mighty taxi destroying
powers on you!" Ripping Dancer said gritting her teeth.
"Well, since you put it that way -- Hop right in! Where to?"
"A clothing store! Any clothing store that's open!!"
Ripping Dancer buried her head in her arms. She wanted to die. God,
this was humiliating.
=======================================================================
A day later --
A fully clothed Ripping Dancer walked through the streets of
Net.ropolis. She was strolling through the Secret Hideout District.
She stopped right next to a door being guarded by some Japanese guy
wearing a cowboy hat and a shirt with an American Flag on it.
"American Comics are So Kewl!" she told the man. The man nodded and
opened the door for her.
She went into an empty room. A TV and a DVD player were the only things
in the room. She turned the TV on.
A mysterious shadowy figure appeared on the screen. <<Welcome back,
Tara. I'd be interested to hear what you were doing last night.>>
"I -- uh -- Could we talk about something else?"
<<Apparently, you were running around the LNHQ lobby naked? Is that
right? You weren't even supposed to be at the LNHQ last night. You
were supposed to be here! Telling me everything you've learned! I
believe I'm correct, right?>>
"I'm sorry. Please. I don't know why I was there. That place. It
does things to your mind. It makes you do absurd stupid things. I
don't know. I can't explain what happened last night. It won't happen
again!"
<<Of course it won't. Now tell me about your week with the LNH. Was it
fun?>>
"I -- uh. I guess so."
<<How do your teammates find you?>>
"They seem to be okay with me. The guys really seem to like me (for
obvious reasons). The girls well -- I think they're a bit jealous. The
strange thing is that a lot of people seem to think I remind them of
someone. And not some former teammate or anything like that. I remind
them of some girl who doesn't exist, or some girl who only exists in
dreams. Do you understand that?"
<<Yes. I understand. I've had dreams of this girl too. So many
dreams. Dreams that haunt me. Dreams of a cat girl. A perfect
beautiful cat girl.>>
"Who is she?"
<<I don't know. Perhaps just a dream. Perhaps someone who was
retconned out of existence. But she is why I've done what I've done to
you. You see -- I tried to create her. Or re-create her. I tried
genetic lifeforms. I tried robots. But it wasn't her. They were all
flawed. I realized after awhile that I couldn't create her. What made
her special was beyond my grasp. But still. I saw a connection between
her and the LNH. Who ever she was she had once played an important role
in the LNH. And when she vanished a void was created. A void that I
want you to fill. Know this, even at your most beautiful you are a pale
shadow to this cat girl. You can never be her. She was unattainable.
Not even the Gods could control her. And even though they tried to
erase her from this world's memory, even they could not completely erase
her.>>
"What am I supposed to do?"
<<You will become a part of the LNH. You will befriend them. You will
seduce them. Tempt them. You will wrap them around your fingers. And
then when they have completely fallen for you, you will rip their hearts
out.>>
"I -- I can't do that. I..."
<<Or course you can. I want you to seduce someone who's in a leadership
position. Ideally, it would be nice if you could seduce the Ultimate
Ninja. But I know him too well. He's beyond the grasp of Love. The
only girlfriend he needs is the Peril Room. No. Do you know who
Fearless Leader is?>>
"Yes. He's kind of cute, but..."
<<I think he's vulnerable. I feel an emptiness within him. Even after
all these years as a member he's a stranger to them. He feels out of
place. He resents the fact that he's not leader of the LNH. And in a
way he resents the LNH for not making him leader. He hides this by
putting himself fully into his work. But his world is dead. And he's
alone in this world. You won't seduce him at first. You'll just
befriend him. You'll be the inexperienced hero that needs guidance and
some training from a more experienced hero. You'll have lunch together.
You'll laugh at his jokes. And you'll be good friends. And then
you'll be very good friends. And then one thing will lead to another.>>
"I don't think I can do this. Please..."
<<Of course you will. That being said, you will not fall in love with
him. You are not allowed to fall in love with anyone. Or have sex with
anyone. You will be unattainable to all.>>
"You've got to be kidding! You can't tell me not to fall in love or
have sex!! You just can't do that!"
<<But I can. And you will. Because you need me more than I need you.
I picked you for many reasons. And one of those was that you've never
had sex or a relationship with anyone. You need to be pure and
unattainable. That's the only way this will work. I know you have a
desire to have sex with someone, but believe me -- sex is overrated.
Sex is nothing compared to Power. And that's what I'm offering you.
And you know what it felt like when you were beautiful for that short
time. You know that people treated you differently. You weren't
invisible anymore. And you liked that feeling. You liked the feeling
of being desired by people. Envied by people. Sex is nothing compared
to that. There is no good or evil, Tara. There are only those that
have power, and those that want power. There is nothing else.>>
"All I wanted was to be above average in looks." She turned her head
slightly away. "I didn't want to be a Goddess."
<<You have no choice in that respect. I don't need an above average
looking girl. I need a Goddess.>>
"I won't do this."
<<You won't? Really. I guess you'll do the heroic thing then. Tell me
to go to Hell. I'll of course find someone else to take your place and
you'll go back to being that fat, ugly girl that no wanted to date. No
one wanted to love. You'll most likely die all alone, but I'm sure
knowing that you've achieved some great moral victory you'll be able to
take that with your chin up. And the LNH will probably be destroyed
anyway. I'm sure it will all be worth it. Well, goodbye then.>>
"No, Please! Don't -- I don't want to be this way! I want to be
beautiful! Please! I need those potions! I'll do..."
<<You'll do anything that I say.>>
"I'll do anything you say. Please!"
<<Then you'll be beautiful. A Goddess. Yes, beautiful. You will
dazzle the LNH blind with your beauty as you lead them off the cliff.>>
"Please?"
<<But never -- Never as beautiful as my Dream Cat Girl. No. Because my
Dream Cat Girl, Ah -- she would have told me to go to Hell. She would
have rather died all alone ugly and undesired than sell her soul. I
suppose it's just as well she doesn't exist. That type of girl? Just a
little too dangerous for a morally complex world like ours.>>
=======================================================================
And Ripping Dancer gazed at herself in the mirror.
She was back at the LNHQ and she was just looking at herself.
She touched the mirror.
God, she was beautiful. Everything about her was perfect.
So beautiful. She should be happy.
So why wasn't she? Why wasn't she happy?
She turned her head away from the mirror.
=======================================================================
Fred created by Ken Schmidt (Public Domain)
Ultimate Ninja, Cannon Fodder, and Self-Righteous Preacher created by
wReam (Usable Without Permission)
Master Blaster created by Rob Ramirez and Martin Phipps (Usable Without
Permission)
Sarcastic Lad created by the Saint (Usable Without Permission)
Frat Boy created by uplink (Usable Without Permission)
Kid Anarky created by Stephane Savoie (Cameo)
Master Roster Man created by Jef Kolodziej (Cameo)
WikiBoy created by Tom Russell (I actually got his permission)
Catalyst Lass created by Elisabeth Anne Riba (Usable Without Permission)
Fuzzy created by Connie Hirsch (Usable Without Permission)
Bad Timing Boy created by Vernon H Harmon (Usable Without Permission)
Move-Del created by Orion McMurry (Cameo)
Mysterious Shadowy Figure may have been created by Craig Thomas Judd
The Cat Girl that lives on in dreams created by Hubert Bartles (Retconned)
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad (Public Domain)
NAME: Ripping Dancer
CREATED BY: Arthur Spitzer (arspitzer at earthlink.net)
TYPE: Usable Without Permission (With conditions)
You can't kill her, make her pregnant, let her have sex, you can't
reveal her secret life (And all those Omniscience Characters that read
roster entries and archives and so on are clueless too. Or too busy
with other things to spoil the secret). But if you can avoid doing all
of those things then you can use her if you want.
SECRET IDENTITY: Tara Shreds
POWERS: She can rip anything. Paper, Steel, Bodies, Minds, Time,
Space. But she has to be dancing in order to do it. When the potion
that gives her her powers runs out she returns to being an ordinary person.
ADD NOTES: Working for some mysterious shadowy figure who may be
Manga Man. She gets 7 potions a week. Each potion gives her powers and
beauty for 24 hours. She's not evil just someone who's made a deal with
the devil.
APPEARANCE: When she has her powers all the clothes she wears appear
to be ripped up. When she's beautiful she tends to wear skimpy
revealing clothes. When she's not she tends to cover herself up. She's
fat and unattractive when the potion's power has run out. When the
potion is working any heterosexual male, bisexual, lesbian should be
incredibly attracted to her to the point where they have a hard time
thinking about other things besides wanting her.
ENEMIES: Probably Self-Righteous Preacher
FIRST ISSUE: LNH Vol II: #14
Writer's Notes: Okay. When I started this story I was attempting to
create a Panta ripoff and somewhere along the line I decided that wasn't
a good idea. The girl here had many names Ripoffa, Ripoffarella,
Ripperella, Ripoff Dancer, (I even thought about making her a Very
Disturbed Scary Creature Man villain that joined the LNH -- Very Sensual
Erotic Creature Woman -- she wears erotic animals like pussies, beavers,
and so on -- I'm sure Tom Russell would have loved her).
I finally decided on Ripping Dancer, which I don't like the name of (but
oh well). Looking at this story perhaps I was more interested in making
a Lurking Lass ripoff than a Panta ripoff. (Lurking Lass the evil clone
that took Lurking Girl's place for a bit and seduced Rebel Yell -- See
'Lurk of Faith'). She's not Lurking Lass though any more than she's
Panta. She's her own character. She's not evil just someone who's made
a deal with the devil. Who knows how her story will end. Will she
redeem herself, or slowly destroy herself?
And I'm sure if I want Fearless Leader to fall hopelessly in love with
her I'll probably have to write that story myself.
Is she the Ultimate Sex Symbol like Panta was? Well that's for other
LNH writer's to decide.
Arthur "Sexier than Skunk Girl though" Spitzer
=======================================================================
=======================================================================
And Now... A Back-up Story by Tom Russell...
A member of the LNH since 1998,
PANTS RABBIT LAD took his own life
in HAIKU GORILLA # 119-120. Now,
let us look back on the career of
this under appreciated legionnaire,
as we present one of the many...
UNTOLD TALES OF PANTS RABBIT LAD!
~ Cat-girl of my dreams! ~
starring Pants Rabbit Lad and
NOTE: This story has been altered from its original
form due to the events of TALES OF THE LNH # 370.
Pants Rabbit Lad scratched himself as he watched
his fellow legionnaire, , leap across the rooftop.
twitched with interest as called back to him. ","
said. "!"
Pants Rabbit Lad nodded and took a deep breath
before he ran up to the edge of the building and
prepared to leap to the other side. He stopped short,
feeling dizzy.
"," said .
"I'm scared," said Pants Rabbit Lad. "What if I
fall?"
". ."
"You'll catch me?"
". ."
"You promise?"
"!" said the . "! !"
"Okay. Here goes nothing..."
Pants Rabbit Lad backtracked and then ran towards
the edge of the building, making a prodigious leap
that surprised even himself. He stretched out his
flailing limbs, reaching for .
"Ouch."
--
Pants Rabbit Lad: Tom Russell.
: Hubert Bartles.
(C) COPYRIGHT 2006 TOM RUSSELL.
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