REPOST/LNH: The Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II #14: The Trouble with Recreated Dream Girls

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at
Tue Sep 18 12:26:28 PDT 2012

Here's Ripping Dancer's first appearance way back in 2006... (also the 
first appearance of You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad)

Old School logo seemed appropriate...

      | |      The
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                         |_|  OF NET.HEROES
                              VOL II:  Number Fourteen

It wasn't Fred's fault.  He was just minding his own business.  Catching 
up on his magazine reading.  He tried to ignore her like he ignored most 
of the people who tried to get his attention while he was manning the 
LNH receptionist desk.  But -- there was something about her that he 
couldn't ignore.  Maybe it was that sweet seductive smell that seemed to 
hover around her.  Or was it the voice that seemed to be nibbling at his 
ears?  Fred looked up.  Which was a mistake.  A big mistake.

First there was the shirt.  It was a ripped shirt.  Ripped in all the 
right places.  So many rips.  It was a wonder why the shirt didn't just 
fall off.  How it seemed to go right towards the edge of what was 
acceptable in a Comics Code Comic and just hang there.  It was hard to 
go past the shirt because he could have just stared at that shirt for 
ages, but there was so much more to look at.  There were the long 
slender perfect arms with their perfect slender hands.  And then there 
was the area between her shirt and her cut-off jeans.  A perfect bare 
skin bridge.  It seemed close enough to just touch.  And the shorts. 
The very cut-off ripped jeans.  The ripped, ripped, ripped jeans.  No, 
he had to escape this.  Go to the face.  Go to the face!

Ah, but the face -- The face was the killer.  There was no escape from 
the face.  It was eye quicksand.  Eyes like a drowning man's sky.  Lips 
like ruby handcuffs.  And hair -- like a pyromaniac's temple.  Fred knew 
when he saw that face that he was going to have to do every single thing 
this lady wanted.  No choice.  No choice at all.

"Hi, Fred.  My name's Ripping Dancer.  I'm the new Taste.  I'm the new 
Desire.  I'm the new Chains.  And I'm the LNH's newest Fire."

Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II:  Number Fourteen

          **** The Trouble with Recreated Dream Girls ****


"Ok.  Umm -- So -- will you be Conquering Us?  Or Joining Us today?"

"Um -- Joining.  Definitely.  Maybe some conquering a little bit later," 
she said with a sly smile.

"I'll just check down both boxes."  Fred made a couple of X's.  "Okay. 
Powers.  What sort of powers do you have?"

"The power to rip things off."

"Hmm.  I think Deja Dude already has that power."

"Umm -- No.  I don't think Deja Dude can rip things off quite the way I 
can.  Let me Demonstrate."

She stepped back and did a little twirl.  Her body twisted and spun. 
Every part of her body flowed like mercury.

And as Fred watched her dance he could feel something.  A force grabbing 
his shirt.  Then he heard a tear.  Some wild unseen force was just 
totally ripping his shirt to shreds.  Fred caught his breath when she 
finished her dance.  "Yeah, I don't think Deja Dude has ever done 
anything quite like that -- at least not to me."

"And I can do more.  Like clothing under clothing."  She wiggled her 
hips a bit as she started to enter another dance move.

Fred suddenly had a very awkward feeling as he felt some part of his 
clothing beneath his pants start to rip.  "Umm.  Just so you know.  This 
isn't quite an Acraphobe story as much as I wish it was right now."

"Sorry.  Just so you know though, I can rip through anything while I'm 
dancing.  Paper.  Walls.  Steel.  Time.  Space.  Body Parts.  Minds. 
That's my power.  Ripping.  So, do I get in?"

"I believe so.  Incredibly Sexy Dancer who can rip things to shreds is 
one of our positions we've needed filled ever since the last one quit. 
You just need to fill out this paperwork..."

"Fred."  Ripping Dancer lightly touched Fred's hand.  "Couldn't you be a 
dear and do all that boring paperwork for me?"

If there was one thing that could possibly break the hold this woman had 
on Fred it was the suggestion that he do more paperwork.  Especially, 
paperwork that no one was paying him to do.  Fred tried to say No, but 
her smile -- her smile was like a hundred ton gorilla.  "I -- I guess I 
could do that -- but I don't -- I don't know anything about you.  I 
don't even know your name?"

"Oh, just make up a name that sounds good.  And fill in the rest with 
whatever you feel like -- it's not like anyone's ever going to actually 
read it."

"I guess I can do that."  It was a strange request, still, she was 
probably right.  People rarely ever bothered to read all this stupid 

"You're such a sweet guy.  I think I'm going to take to take a tour of 
LNHQ now, okay?"  She waved bye to Fred.

"Umm -- okay.  Bye."  Fred watched as she walked away.  Her back seemed 
even more amazing than her front if that was at all possible.  She 
reminded him of someone.  Someone from the past?  No.  Not the past. 
Someone in a dream.  Yes.  A dream.  Although for some reason he 
expected her to have a tail.


"Who's the coolest superhero ever?"

"You are Master Blaster.  You're the tops.  You're the Mona Lisa. 
You're the Leaning Tower of Pisa," said Wikiboy who only said that 
because Master Blaster had edited him to say that.  For what WikiBoy 
really thought of Master Blaster, well, we really can't put those words 
into a family comic like this.

"Damn straight."  Master Blaster played with his sunglasses a bit while 
he leaned against one of the LNHQ's walls.  "I probably should be saving 
the world or something.  What do you think, WikiBoy?"

"Oh, no, Rob!  Then who would edit me to do horrible humiliating things 
to myself that are crimes of nature and should probably send you to jail 
for life if there was any kind of justice in this world?"

"Hmm," said Master Blaster completely ignoring WikiBoy.  "My MacDaddy 
Vibes are picking up something.  Something big.  Goddam big!  Christ! 
It can't be!  It's like some kind of a Sexual Super Nova!  God.  Nothing 
can be that big!  It goes against the Laws of Sexual Physics!  It's 
getting closer.  Closer!  Damn.  Do you see that?  It's not possible! 
Are you seeing this?"

"No.  I'm afraid not.  I'm completely absorbed in the brilliant God like 
being that is Master Blaster.  Perhaps you could edit me to look at 
other people besides you?"

"Damn.  I think I'm in love.  God, she's the hottest thing ever!"

"Should I remind you that you're married, Rob?"

"WikiBoy edit yourself to forget the fact that I'm married.  Damn. 
Married.  Why couldn't I have used a condom that one night?  Just one 
night and I'd be free.  My life's a tragedy, WikiBoy."

"Would you like me to edit myself to shed a tear?"

"I wonder if I could time-travel back to before I got wReanna pregnant 
and then --?  Oh well.  Hey, Kid Anarky!  Checkout the Babe!  Have you 
ever seen a Hotter One?"

Kid Anarky looked up briefly as he walked in the direction of Master 
Blaster.  For one brief moment there was a glimmer in his eyes.  But 
unfortunately some memories came with that glimmer.  The glimmer was 
replaced by a sadness.  A deep unexplainable sadness.

"Just an imitation.  Not even close to real thing."

"Just an imitation?  Just an imitation?  What the hell?  My God, Anarky! 
  Are you blind?  This chick's so hot she could melt the Looniverse like 
a snowman in a tanning booth!  What happened to you, Anarky?  Ever since 
that time back in '99 when you had that mental breakdown -- you've been 
getting flakier and flakier every year!  Christ!"

Kid Anarky just shrugged and then eventually slipped away back into 
Limbo again.

"Oh, man!  She's coming closer!  How do I look, WikiBoy?"

"If there were a Fonze in the Pantheon of Greek Gods you'd be that God, 
Master Blaster.  Although if you'd like, I could edit myself to speak an 
actual honest opinion."

"Hey, I'm kind of new here,"  Ripping Dancer said entering the 
conversation.  "One of you guys wouldn't happen to know who the LNH Tour 
Guide Person is?"

"Hey, Babe -- looks like this is your lucky day.  Just happens to be 
that's my middle name.  LNH Tour Guide.  Master 'LNH Tour Guide' Blaster."

"I thought your middle name was.." WikiBoy started to say.

"WikiBoy you do not have a mouth."

WikiBoy touched his face with a horrified expression.  He had a great 
urge to scream.  But he had no mouth.


The Self-Righteous Preacher looked down at his John the Baptist watch. 
It was going to be a busy day.

First thing, he had this meeting with some network executives at the POX 
channel where he was going to have to convince them to cancel this 
horrible new vile godless show called, 'The Communist Homosexual Atheist 
Happy Fun Hour!'  And then he was going to have to get a haircut.  And 
then he was going to have to do an interview with Limbaugh Man.

He just hoped he wouldn't be delayed by any sinful LNH activities. 
Maybe just this once he could walk from his LNH room all the way to the 
LNHQ entrance without stopping to save some souls from wicked 
debauchery.  That would be nice.  Just one time.

And then -- And then it happened.  At first he just stared.  It didn't 
seem possible.  That something like this could possibly happen in the 
LNH.  And then his blood started to boil.  It couldn't be!  Repressed 
memories started to surge in his brain.  It was the 90's.  Slick Willy 
was in the White House.  And the LNHQ was -- was -- swarming with 
half-naked cat girls!  An orgy of half-naked cat girls!  Twitching their 
tails in a perverted fashion!  It couldn't be.  That could have never 
happened.  Never on his watch!  There was never a half-naked cat girl in 
the LNH.  What were causing these nightmarish visions?  Lies!  Satanic 
Lies!!  Why was he thinking about some abomination that had never 
existed in the first?  Must go back to reality!

It was her!  He looked at the slutty harlot that had triggered these 
Satanic Lies.  She wasn't a cat girl.  Some kind of a witch obviously. 
A filthy whorish witch walking around the LNH barely with a shred of 
clothing on her!  It was like watching the Gates of Hell open right in 
the LNHQ!  He had to save the LNH!  She looked at him!  And she gave him 
a devilish smile!  He gripped his cross tightly.  Our Father who art in 
Heaven -- Give me strength!  Oh, Give Me Strength!  It was time to give 
some -- Bible Lessons!


Frat Boy, carefully, dipped his french-fry into some ketchup.  "Man, 
Sarc.  I knew should have gotten five packets of ketchup.  There are 
just too many fries on my plate for four packets of ketchup!  What am I 
going to do when I run out of ketchup?"

Before Sarcastic Lad could come up with some ego-slaughtering barb to 
deflate Frat Boy's inquiry, the two heroes heard a loud cry.

"You will pay for this!  Evil 666 Fondling Whore!!  When I get back to 
my room and put some new clothes on..."

Frat Boy and Sarcastic watched a very naked man with a very, very red 
face running very, very fast through the LNH cafeteria.  The man also 
with incredibly speed waved his hands so to hide his most private parts 
as he screamed and cursed his way out of the cafeteria.

"Whoahh!!  Was that -- was that who I think it was?"

"Frats, ol' chum -- I'm surprised at you!  What in the world are they 
teaching you at that old sheep skin factory you go to?  That man, right 
there -- that man that you and I just saw running through the cafeteria 
naked as a new-born baby -- That was the guy who invented Spring Break! 
  Who invented Mardis Gras!  Who invented the Preachers Gone Wild video 
series!  Who fought for our right to party!  Yes, my dear Frat Boy.  The 
man who we just saw is a living legend.  He's the reason America is 
still the Greatest Country in the World!  And -- He's the man who taught 
me everything I ever knew about life.  That man..." Sarcastic Lad 
brushed something next to his eye.  Perhaps a teardrop.  "...Was my Dad."


"Are you ready?" the Ultimate Ninja said standing in attack pose #1567.

"I suppose so," the Ripping Dancer said leaning against the Peril Room 
wall in an alluring and suggestive pose.

"Well.  Let's see what you've got.  I'm giving you the first strike."

The Ripping Dancer stretched both of her arms out and then lifted up one 
of her legs.  She quickly kicked the floor with that leg and gave 
herself a violent twirl.  Her arms and legs started to blur in a 
hypnotic spinning motion.  Before the Ultimate Ninja realized it, he 
felt his entire ribcage crack right open.  And then he saw that the 
Ripping Dancer was holding something.  A heart.  A bloody heart!

The Ultimate Ninja quickly threw a Ginsu Katana blade right into the 
forehead of the Ripping Dancer.  She fell to the floor dead.

The Ultimate Ninja in great pain stumbled his way to her corpse to 
examine the heart she held in her hand.

"Impressive.  Unfortunately, for you -- you chose the wrong one.  You 
chose -- My Fake Heart!"


"Thank you for helping with my suitcase -- umm -- sorry didn't get your 
name?" Ripping Dancer said to a mysterious superhero carrying her luggage.

"Move-Del, Miss.  I have the power to move things."

"Do you want a tip -- or something?"

"Oh no, Miss.  I mean if you wouldn't mind if I took a couple of 
pictures of -- I mean they're for this collection of mine.  Umm -- 
photos of LNH members.  Yeah, that's what they're for!"

Ripping Dancer shrugged her hands and obliged.


Ripping Dancer shut the door behind her and looked at the room.  Her room.

So this is how the Gods and Goddesses live.

She looked at the Queen-Sized bed with a bedspread that had the LNH logo 
all over it.  There was a big 'Everything you need to know about the 
LNH' manual on the bed.  There was a control panel on the wall.  She 
walked over and pressed some buttons.  One of the buttons caused some 
kind of complex exercise equipment to emerge from the floor, another 
caused a giant TV screen to appear, and still another caused a gigantic 
poster of wReamhack to appear.

She checked her bathroom out.  Towels, soaps, and little shampoo 
containers all with the LNH logo upon them.  The bathtub had quite a bit 
of room.

The closets seemed to contain an incredible amount of space.  She opened 
the fridge and she found a cheesecake with the words, 'Welcome to the 
LNH' on it.

She walked over towards the big glass window.  She had a breathtaking 
view of the Oblivion Towers.  Strange.  A bunch of LNH'rs with 
binoculars seemed to be gazing in her direction.  She shut the blinds.

There was no way she could get used to this.  It was too much.  It was 
wonderful.  And it was scary.  She didn't belong here.  None of this was 
right.  And she walked over to one of the big gigantic mirrors and 
looked at herself.  God, she was beautiful.  This wasn't her.  This was 
someone else.  She gazed at herself for a few minutes.  And then she 
began unpacking stuff.

She had a briefcase.  A briefcase with a combination lock.  She looked 
around the room again.  Were there cameras here?  Probably.  She 
carefully unlocked it and took a peek.  Enough for a week.

Enough for a week.  She closed the briefcase and sighed to herself.


"So.  Is this neat or what?"  The voice came from the LNH'r called 
Catalyst Lass.  A senior member who had been a part of the LNH since the 
early 90's who had the power to make people share her interests.  "Oh 
BTW, I'm Cat."  She put out her hand.

"Oh, hi.  Ripping Dancer.  I'm new here."

"You don't say," Catalyst Lass gave a friendly wink.  "Oh, and I should 
probably mention that I've got this crazy twin running around who goes 
by the name Cat too.  Or Hell Catalyst.  She's a bit of a ditz though. 
Fun gal though.  But enough about me and my crazy daisy life.  How are 
you adjusting?"

"Well this is all kind of bizarre.  Strange hallways that seem to change 
direction all the time.  Vanishing rooms.  I think I'm getting the hang 
of it though.  The guys have been really great showing me stuff and all 
that.  The girls -- I don't know.  They seem to be more aloof."

"Well, they probably just need to get to know you better.  Hey, wait. 
Just thought of something.  Every Wednesday me and a bunch of the girls 
have this poker night (barring crossovers -- chaotic add-on storylines 
-- and other things that play havoc to girl poker night).  You should 
come!  I think Linguistic Lass is holding our next one.  It will be 
Super Dooper Fun!  Promise!  With Sugar on top!"

"Well, I guess I could do that.  If I won't be a bother?"

"I'm sure all the girls will be thrilled.  Oh and you might want to see 
New Look Lass about that outfit of yours.  It definitely could use some 
stitching up.  It must be horrible having to walk around in those 
shredded rags!"

"Hmm.  Actually, I think my power causes this."

"Really?  Whoops!  Sorry, didn't know.  Well, I guess we all have our 
painful burdens to bear.  So, do you know who your drill instructor is yet?"

"Someone called," Ripping Dancer took a piece of paper out of her 
pocket, "Fuzzy?  Do you who that is?"

"Ooh!  Fuzzy!  Ah!"  A big smirk appeared on Catalyst Lass's face. 
"Well.  Fuzzy's great.  I'm sure you'll have loads of fun.  Fun, fun, 
fun.  She just gets a kick out of new recruits.  Boy, you're going to 
have fun.  Well, gotta go.  Nice knowing you."  Catalyst Lass's face 
seemed to be on the verge of a snickering explosion as she quickly 
walked away from Ripping Dancer.


Ripping Dancer's heart felt like it was about to explode.  Her face was 
on the grass and she couldn't seem to get up.

"God.  You people are pathetic!  You can't even do one hundred one 
handed pushups?  You can't even do that much?!" said an ambiguous blur 
standing on the LNH lawn.  A blur called Fuzzy.  "I've seen more effort 
from Super Apathy Lad!"

"It's bad enough that you couldn't complete the 20 mile hike!  This has 
to be the most embarrassing day in all of LNH history!  I almost wish 
that the Brotherhood of Net.Villains would just swoop down and slaughter 
the lot of you.  No, wait!  You don't deserve that!  It probably should 
be some incredibly mediocre team like the Union of Useless that should 
destroy you!  Wait!  That's too good!  Maybe a paraplegic Cowardly Lott 
running you people over with a wheelchair?  How's that sound?  God. 
What have I done to deserve this?  Please, God.  Tell me."

God seemed to be completely silent on the matter.

"I just wish that we still lived in the days when drill instructors 
could still flog people," Fuzzy said shaking her head.

Me too, You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad thought sighing to himself.


Oh, God.  She shouldn't be here.  What was she thinking?  Why did she 
forget what day it was?

There were no more potions.  And it was going to run out at midnight. 
Everything.  This dream was about to burst.  She had to get out of the LNHQ.

No.  It was too late.  Already midnight.  She could feel herself 
changing.  She didn't want to look.  God.  It was too late.

She had to look though.  She just had to.

So she turned on the lights and looked in the mirror.

It was horrible.  She looked horrible.  God.

Ugly again.  Fat and ugly.  Why?

She had to get more potions.  She couldn't go back to the way she was. 
She just couldn't.  She had to get out of here.

She had to be beautiful again.


She grabbed some sheets from her bed.  Ripping Dancer's clothes didn't 
seem to fit too well anymore and she couldn't very well run through the 
LNHQ naked.  She grabbed a purse.  She'd need money for a cab.  She 
called one a half-hour ago.  Hopefully it would be waiting when she got 
out of the LNHQ.  Hopefully.

Now all she had to do was get from her room to the LNHQ lobby.  Covered 
in sheets.  Completely naked under those sheets.  Boy, she was tempting 

Since she was on the sixth floor, she'd probably have to take the 
elevator.  Hopefully, the elevator would be empty.

She opened her door and took a brief look to see if anyone was out 
there.  It was clear.  She ran quickly to the nearest elevator.  So far 
clear.  She hit the down button repeatedly.  Come on.  Come on.

There.  Empty.  Thank God!  Hopefully, it would go straight down to the 
lobby.  No stops.  Please.  No stops!

But the elevator had other plans as it stopped on the fifth floor.

Bad Timing Boy and a couple kiwis stepped on.

"Hmm," Bad-Timing Boy said, "Say.  You're new here, aren't you?"

"Yes," Ripping Dancer said through gritted teeth. "I'm -- uh -- LNH Bed 
Sheets Lass -- and please don't touch the sheets -- they have -- umm -- 
the touch of death!"

"Ookay," Bad-Timing Boy stepped away to another corner of the elevator. 
  The kiwis followed Bad-Timing Boy.

The elevator stopped at the fourth floor.

Master Roster Man and Cannon Fodder got on.

"Oh no.  Not you," Cannon Fodder said looking straight at Bad-Timing 
Boy.  "I can't get on this elevator Master Roster Man."

"Why not?"

"Because every time I get on an elevator with this idiot I die!"  Cannon 
Fodder gave Bad-Timing Boy the evil eye.

"I can't help it if you're prone to death!" said Bad-Timing Boy in his 

"Look," Master Roster Man said trying to bring reason to this 
discussion.  "You might die in this elevator if you take it, True.  But 
on the other hand if you take the stairs you might also die.  You've got 
to face that fact.  If you're going to die regardless you might as well 
take the elevator."

"Fine.  I'll take the elevator.  But I better not die," Cannon Fodder 
said as he glared at Bad-Timing Boy.  "I just better not."

As the two heroes joined the others on the elevator, Bad-Timing suddenly 
realized something.  "Wait!  Cannon Fodder!  Don't touch the..." 
Bad-Timing Boy tried to pull his friend away from the Bed Sheets of 
Death, but unfortunately instead tripped on one of the kiwis and pushed 
Cannon Fodder right on top of the female who claimed to be LNH Bed 
Sheets Lass.  Right on the Bed Sheets of Death.

"Oh God!  You're touching the Bed Sheets of Death!  I'm sorry Cannon 
Fodder!  I've killed you again!  I'm so sorry!"  Tears started streaming 
from Bad-Timing Boy's eyes.  "Oh God!  What have I done?"

"What the...?" Cannon Fodder said with a horrified expression on his 
face as his hands gripped the LNH Bed Sheets.  "Bed Sheets of Death? 
Bed Sheets of Death?! Not Again!  Can't Die Again!  God, I'm Dead!  I'm 
Dead!  Wait a sec.  I don't feel dead.  Hmm.  In fact I feel fine!  I'm 
Alive!  I'm Alive!  God!  It's a Miracle, Bad-Timing Boy!"

All three heroes looked at the female wearing LNH Bed Sheets around her 
body.  "Umm?  It's a slow death?" she said with a sheepish voice.

"There's something funny going on here," Master Roster Man said to 
himself with a grim expression.  "Who is she, Bad-Timing Boy?"

"Umm.  She said her name was LNH Bed Sheets Lass.  At least I think 
that's what she said."

Master Roster Man used his incredible power to know who was and who 
wasn't a member of the LNH.  "There is no such member of the LNH.  She's 
a fraud!"  Master Roster Man hit his  "Ultimate 
Ninja?  We've got a 747 in EV3.  We're going to the lobby."

The elevator stopped on the third floor.  And that's when the ninjas got on.

A katana skewered right through Cannon Fodder's chest.  "Oh @#$%*!  Not 
Again!" were Cannon Fodder's last words.

"This elevator is now under Ninja Law!  You will do as we say or you 
will all die!" said the guy who appeared to be in charge of the ninjas.

Oh God, Ripping Dancer thought to herself, This isn't happening!  All I 
want to do is get to the lobby!

"You will take this elevator to the thirteenth floor, or -- You will Die!!"

I don't want to go to the thirteenth floor.  I want to go to the lobby! 
  Why is this happening? Ripping Dancer thought to herself.

"Umm," Master Roster Man broke in, "There is no Thirteenth Floor.  The 
LNHQ has only Ten Floors."

"No!  That's where you're wrong," said Ninja Leader Guy, "Let me 
explain.  There is a Legend.  A Place.  A Place where a Ninja can feel 
like a Ninja.  Where a Ninja can sing Ninja Songs.  Where Ninjas have 
Ninja picnics and Dance Ninja Dances.  A place where we can laugh and 
cry.  A place full of Ninja Circuses and Ninja Rainbows.  A beautiful 
peaceful place where Ninjas no longer have to feel oppressed!  No longer 
have to hide in the dark shadows.  A Place.  A Place called -- Ninja 
Nirvana."  Something glistened from the Leader Ninja's eye.  "And it is 
here.  In this building.  On the Thirteenth Floor.  I have searched long 
for this place.  I have killed many.  Too many.  All the bodies -- all 
the corpses -- They haunt me.  But now I can finally know peace.  Now I 
can finally put down my sword and end this orgy of death.  We are all 
going to the Thirteenth Floor and I will kill anyone who tries to stop me!

"I wasn't planning on stopping you," pointed out Bad-Timing Boy.  "Ninja 
Nirvana sounds fun!  Does it have rollercoasters?"

"Punch in the code," the Lead Ninja said ignoring Bad-Timing Boy's 
question.  One of his lackey ninjas started punching in numbers on the 
control panel.

Master Roster Man punched in some codes in his wristwatch to warn 
Ultimate Ninja about this.

The elevator started rising up.

4.    5.    6.    7.
8.    9.



And finally...


The door opened.

All of the people that were still alive in the elevator gazed with wonder.

They saw the greenest Ninja Grass.  They saw gigantic Ninja Bushes full 
of tasty Ninja Berries.  They saw Happy Ninja Clouds floating in the sky 
jumping over Ninja Rainbows.

"God.  It's beautiful."  The Ninja Leader just stared.  "I'm here.  I 
can't believe it.  After all these years.  After all that blood.  Ninja 
Nirvana.  Hmm.  That's strange.  Why are all those ninjas sleeping?"

And then the Lead Ninja noticed a guy.  A guy wearing a trenchcoat.  A 
guy pointing a gun straight at his head.

And before he could throw a shuriken or katana at the guy he felt a 
hurricane of bullets baptize him.

Leader Ninja Guy slumped towards the ground.  "No.  Can't Die.  Not yet. 
  Just One.  Just One Picnic.  Ninja Picnic.  All I wanted."  His finger 
lightly touched one of the Ninja Grass Blades.  And then he died.

The guy with the trenchcoat stepped onto the elevator.  "Going down." 
And then he threw a lit cigarette out of it as the elevator's doors 
closeed.  What followed was a horrific explosion.  Ninja Nirvana was 
going up in a huge ball of fire.  All the ninja picnic baskets and ninja 
golf carts.  Everything.  Consumed in Fire.  The elevator door closed.

The guy with the trenchcoat lit another cigarette.

"You know.  I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here."  Bad-Timing 
Boy made a coughing sound.

"For God's Sake, BTB!  Just leave it!  Just leave it!"  Master Roster 
Man said closing his eyes and whispering a prayer.

"So.  Anyone here seen any good movies?"  Bad-Timing Boy said trying to 
change the subject.

"Look.  I'm a guy.  I wear a trenchcoat.  And -- I fight ninjas.  I 
don't do small talk," said the guy wearing the trenchcoat who fought ninjas.

Bad-Timing Boy thought about that for a bit.  "Hmm.  I don't think I've 
seen any of those.  Do any of them have any female nudity?"

And finally, the elevator hit the lobby.  Ripping Dancer sighed with 
relief.  Now all she had to do was make a break for it.  And she did. 
Unfortunately, her LNH Bed Sheets wanted to stay where they were.

She was completely naked running through the LNH lobby.  And she was 
running very fast.  At least she still had her purse.

"Stop!" Master Roster Man shouted.  "Someone stop that naked fat chick 
from leaving!  She -- Umm -- Hmm.  You know -- When I say it like that 
it kind of sounds bad.  Maybe --  We should just let this one pass?"

"Yeah.  Probably," Bad-Timing Boy nodded.

"Man," Master Roster Man said to himself, "Why was I going to the lobby 
again?  Damn."


The cab was still waiting.  She rushed towards it waving her arms.

The cab driver stared in shock for a bit and then finally spoke. 
"Whoahh there!  Sorry Miss.  No shirt, shoes, or pants.  No service."

"If you don't let me in this cab I will use my mighty taxi destroying 
powers on you!" Ripping Dancer said gritting her teeth.

"Well, since you put it that way -- Hop right in!  Where to?"

"A clothing store!  Any clothing store that's open!!"

Ripping Dancer buried her head in her arms.  She wanted to die.  God, 
this was humiliating.


A day later --

A fully clothed Ripping Dancer walked through the streets of 
Net.ropolis.  She was strolling through the Secret Hideout District. 
She stopped right next to a door being guarded by some Japanese guy 
wearing a cowboy hat and a shirt with an American Flag on it.

"American Comics are So Kewl!" she told the man.  The man nodded and 
opened the door for her.

She went into an empty room.  A TV and a DVD player were the only things 
in the room.  She turned the TV on.

A mysterious shadowy figure appeared on the screen.  <<Welcome back, 
Tara.  I'd be interested to hear what you were doing last night.>>

"I -- uh -- Could we talk about something else?"

<<Apparently, you were running around the LNHQ lobby naked?  Is that 
right?  You weren't even supposed to be at the LNHQ last night.  You 
were supposed to be here!  Telling me everything you've learned!  I 
believe I'm correct, right?>>

"I'm sorry.  Please.  I don't know why I was there.  That place.  It 
does things to your mind.  It makes you do absurd stupid things.  I 
don't know.  I can't explain what happened last night.  It won't happen 

<<Of course it won't.  Now tell me about your week with the LNH.  Was it 

"I -- uh.  I guess so."

<<How do your teammates find you?>>

"They seem to be okay with me.  The guys really seem to like me (for 
obvious reasons).  The girls well -- I think they're a bit jealous.  The 
strange thing is that a lot of people seem to think I remind them of 
someone.  And not some former teammate or anything like that.  I remind 
them of some girl who doesn't exist, or some girl who only exists in 
dreams.  Do you understand that?"

<<Yes.  I understand.  I've had dreams of this girl too.  So many 
dreams.  Dreams that haunt me.  Dreams of a cat girl.  A perfect 
beautiful cat girl.>>

"Who is she?"

<<I don't know.  Perhaps just a dream.  Perhaps someone who was 
retconned out of existence.  But she is why I've done what I've done to 
you.  You see -- I tried to create her.  Or re-create her.  I tried 
genetic lifeforms.  I tried robots.  But it wasn't her.  They were all 
flawed.  I realized after awhile that I couldn't create her.  What made 
her special was beyond my grasp.  But still.  I saw a connection between 
her and the LNH.  Who ever she was she had once played an important role 
in the LNH.  And when she vanished a void was created.  A void that I 
want you to fill.  Know this, even at your most beautiful you are a pale 
shadow to this cat girl.  You can never be her.  She was unattainable. 
Not even the Gods could control her.  And even though they tried to 
erase her from this world's memory, even they could not completely erase 

"What am I supposed to do?"

<<You will become a part of the LNH.  You will befriend them.  You will 
seduce them.  Tempt them.  You will wrap them around your fingers.  And 
then when they have completely fallen for you, you will rip their hearts 

"I -- I can't do that.  I..."

<<Or course you can.  I want you to seduce someone who's in a leadership 
position.  Ideally, it would be nice if you could seduce the Ultimate 
Ninja.  But I know him too well.  He's beyond the grasp of Love.  The 
only girlfriend he needs is the Peril Room.  No.  Do you know who 
Fearless Leader is?>>

"Yes.  He's kind of cute, but..."

<<I think he's vulnerable.  I feel an emptiness within him.  Even after 
all these years as a member he's a stranger to them.  He feels out of 
place.  He resents the fact that he's not leader of the LNH.  And in a 
way he resents the LNH for not making him leader.  He hides this by 
putting himself fully into his work.  But his world is dead.  And he's 
alone in this world.  You won't seduce him at first.  You'll just 
befriend him.  You'll be the inexperienced hero that needs guidance and 
some training from a more experienced hero.  You'll have lunch together. 
  You'll laugh at his jokes.  And you'll be good friends.  And then 
you'll be very good friends.  And then one thing will lead to another.>>

"I don't think I can do this.  Please..."

<<Of course you will.  That being said, you will not fall in love with 
him.  You are not allowed to fall in love with anyone.  Or have sex with 
anyone.  You will be unattainable to all.>>

"You've got to be kidding!  You can't tell me not to fall in love or 
have sex!!  You just can't do that!"

<<But I can.  And you will.  Because you need me more than I need you. 
I picked you for many reasons.  And one of those was that you've never 
had sex or a relationship with anyone.  You need to be pure and 
unattainable.  That's the only way this will work.  I know you have a 
desire to have sex with someone, but believe me -- sex is overrated. 
Sex is nothing compared to Power.  And that's what I'm offering you. 
And you know what it felt like when you were beautiful for that short 
time.  You know that people treated you differently.  You weren't 
invisible anymore.  And you liked that feeling.  You liked the feeling 
of being desired by people.  Envied by people.  Sex is nothing compared 
to that.  There is no good or evil, Tara.  There are only those that 
have power, and those that want power.  There is nothing else.>>

"All I wanted was to be above average in looks."  She turned her head 
slightly away.  "I didn't want to be a Goddess."

<<You have no choice in that respect.  I don't need an above average 
looking girl.  I need a Goddess.>>

"I won't do this."

<<You won't?  Really.  I guess you'll do the heroic thing then.  Tell me 
to go to Hell.  I'll of course find someone else to take your place and 
you'll go back to being that fat, ugly girl that no wanted to date.  No 
one wanted to love.  You'll most likely die all alone, but I'm sure 
knowing that you've achieved some great moral victory you'll be able to 
take that with your chin up.  And the LNH will probably be destroyed 
anyway.  I'm sure it will all be worth it.  Well, goodbye then.>>

"No, Please!  Don't -- I don't want to be this way!  I want to be 
beautiful!  Please!  I need those potions!  I'll do..."

<<You'll do anything that I say.>>

"I'll do anything you say.  Please!"

<<Then you'll be beautiful.  A Goddess.  Yes, beautiful.  You will 
dazzle the LNH blind with your beauty as you lead them off the cliff.>>


<<But never -- Never as beautiful as my Dream Cat Girl.  No.  Because my 
Dream Cat Girl, Ah -- she would have told me to go to Hell.  She would 
have rather died all alone ugly and undesired than sell her soul.  I 
suppose it's just as well she doesn't exist.  That type of girl?  Just a 
little too dangerous for a morally complex world like ours.>>


And Ripping Dancer gazed at herself in the mirror.

She was back at the LNHQ and she was just looking at herself.

She touched the mirror.

God, she was beautiful.  Everything about her was perfect.

So beautiful.  She should be happy.

So why wasn't she?  Why wasn't she happy?

She turned her head away from the mirror.


Fred created by Ken Schmidt (Public Domain)
Ultimate Ninja, Cannon Fodder, and Self-Righteous Preacher created by 
wReam (Usable Without Permission)
Master Blaster created by Rob Ramirez and Martin Phipps (Usable Without 
Sarcastic Lad created by the Saint (Usable Without Permission)
Frat Boy created by uplink (Usable Without Permission)
Kid Anarky created by Stephane Savoie (Cameo)
Master Roster Man created by Jef Kolodziej (Cameo)
WikiBoy created by Tom Russell (I actually got his permission)
Catalyst Lass created by Elisabeth Anne Riba (Usable Without Permission)
Fuzzy created by Connie Hirsch (Usable Without Permission)
Bad Timing Boy created by Vernon H Harmon (Usable Without Permission)
Move-Del created by Orion McMurry (Cameo)
Mysterious Shadowy Figure may have been created by Craig Thomas Judd
The Cat Girl that lives on in dreams created by Hubert Bartles (Retconned)
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad (Public Domain)

NAME:  Ripping Dancer
   CREATED BY:  Arthur Spitzer (arspitzer at
   TYPE:  Usable Without Permission (With conditions)
You can't kill her, make her pregnant, let her have sex, you can't 
reveal her secret life (And all those Omniscience Characters that read 
roster entries and archives and so on are clueless too.  Or too busy 
with other things to spoil the secret).  But if you can avoid doing all 
of those things then you can use her if you want.
   POWERS:  She can rip anything.  Paper, Steel, Bodies, Minds, Time, 
Space.  But she has to be dancing in order to do it.  When the potion 
that gives her her powers runs out she returns to being an ordinary person.
   ADD NOTES:  Working for some mysterious shadowy figure who may be 
Manga Man.  She gets 7 potions a week.  Each potion gives her powers and 
beauty for 24 hours.  She's not evil just someone who's made a deal with 
the devil.
   APPEARANCE:  When she has her powers all the clothes she wears appear 
to be ripped up.  When she's beautiful she tends to wear skimpy 
revealing clothes.  When she's not she tends to cover herself up.  She's 
fat and unattractive when the potion's power has run out.  When the 
potion is working any heterosexual male, bisexual, lesbian should be 
incredibly attracted to her to the point where they have a hard time 
thinking about other things besides wanting her.
   ENEMIES:  Probably Self-Righteous Preacher
   FIRST ISSUE:  LNH Vol II: #14

Writer's Notes:  Okay.  When I started this story I was attempting to 
create a Panta ripoff and somewhere along the line I decided that wasn't 
a good idea.  The girl here had many names Ripoffa, Ripoffarella, 
Ripperella, Ripoff Dancer, (I even thought about making her a Very 
Disturbed Scary Creature Man villain that joined the LNH -- Very Sensual 
Erotic Creature Woman -- she wears erotic animals like pussies, beavers, 
and so on -- I'm sure Tom Russell would have loved her).

I finally decided on Ripping Dancer, which I don't like the name of (but 
oh well).  Looking at this story perhaps I was more interested in making 
a Lurking Lass ripoff than a Panta ripoff.  (Lurking Lass the evil clone 
that took Lurking Girl's place for a bit and seduced Rebel Yell -- See 
'Lurk of Faith').  She's not Lurking Lass though any more than she's 
Panta.  She's her own character.  She's not evil just someone who's made 
a deal with the devil.  Who knows how her story will end.  Will she 
redeem herself, or slowly destroy herself?

And I'm sure if I want Fearless Leader to fall hopelessly in love with 
her I'll probably have to write that story myself.

Is she the Ultimate Sex Symbol like Panta was?  Well that's for other 
LNH writer's to decide.

Arthur "Sexier than Skunk Girl though" Spitzer


And Now... A Back-up Story by Tom Russell...

A member of the LNH since 1998,
PANTS RABBIT LAD took his own life
in HAIKU GORILLA # 119-120.  Now,
let us look back on the career of
this under appreciated legionnaire,
as we present one of the many...

     ~ Cat-girl of my dreams! ~
starring Pants Rabbit Lad and

NOTE: This story has been altered from its original
form due to the events of TALES OF THE LNH # 370.

    Pants Rabbit Lad scratched himself as he watched
his fellow legionnaire, , leap across the rooftop.
twitched with interest as  called back to him.  ","
said.  "!"
    Pants Rabbit Lad nodded and took a deep breath
before he ran up to the edge of the building and
prepared to leap to the other side.  He stopped short,
feeling dizzy.
    "," said .
    "I'm scared," said Pants Rabbit Lad.  "What if I
    ". ."
    "You'll catch me?"
    ".  ."
    "You promise?"
    "!" said the .  "!  !"
    "Okay.  Here goes nothing..."
    Pants Rabbit Lad backtracked and then ran towards
the edge of the building, making a prodigious leap
that surprised even himself.  He stretched out his
flailing limbs, reaching for .



Pants Rabbit Lad: Tom Russell.
  : Hubert Bartles.


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