LNH: 58.5 #40 Will I Really Destroy Everything?
lalo.martins at gmail.com
Tue May 13 13:27:00 PDT 2008
Previously in 58.5:
While in a campaign against the Crime Empire, the New Misfits
busted a vice den set up specially for comic book addicts; dark,
poorly-ventilated rooms, with shelves full of old issues turning
the whole place into a maze, pretty girls in costumes (well,
they look pretty in the dark, to comic junkies without a life)
serving pizza and soda, and paid trolls hanging around to
discuss the finer points of Mr. Fantastic's sex life or who'd
win in a fight between the Detective Chimp and Howard the Duck.
"Um", said the Amazing Amazon, "I'm not sure this is even
illegal, in fact it's kind of cool..."
"They don't serve Mr. Paprika", declared Blackbird. "That *has*
to be against the law."
"And how come the pizza doesn't stain the comics?", asked
Analytic. "There's something cheesy going on there."
"Keeping those boys here all day", Green added, "in the dark
with poor ventilation, is unhealthy."
"What?", said one customer nearby. "It has better ventilation
than my basement, that's one of the reasons I keep coming!"
Bonnie rolled up her eyes. "Look, we're not here to shut down
the place. We're investigating a report of addictive substances
added to the soda and pizza--"
"Apart from those already there usually", added Green.
"Yeah. And looking for clues on the Crime Empire."
"Ooo", said a kid in a nearby table. "You're fighting the Crime
Empire? Can I join you? I have powers too. In fact I'm not
even a big comic geek, I'm just here doing homework on how to
use my powers better."
"Er", said Blackbird, "um, sure. You have a vendetta against
them? They killed your parents or something?"
"Gosh no, I just thought it would be nifty. As the first
mission in my resume[*]. And I guess operating with a group
would be the best way to learn. I read that the LNH isn't
taking new members until May, something about the monthly quota
[* We know that's the wrong spelling, but the RACC moderation
bot doesn't like non-ascii characters. -- Footnote Cybergirl]
[** That's the public story; it is actually because leaders are
being absconded every day at midnight. The ruling was passed by
Weirdness Magnet in April 56th. -- Footnote Cybergirl]
"Ah", said Bonnie. "I guess. What do you call yourself?"
"Oh", she said, "nice, a legacy hero. Any relation to the
"Gosh, there was another fella with that name? I don't want to
steal anyone's identity or anything."
"No, it's fine, he changed his name years ago. So your power is
what, you can learn stuff about heroes? Or copy powers? Or what?"
"What? Then my name wouldn't make sense, would it?"
"How so? Didn't you say Fan Boy?"
"Yeah. I have wind powers." He showed them the JLA comic he
was reading, featuring the Red Tornado.
The New Misfits looked at each other in desperation. But Fan
Boy did join the group eventually.
Who Cares Studios ultimately presents...
/ ____( __ ) / ____/
/___ \/ __ | /___ \
____/ / /_/ / ____/ /
I Know What's Coming Down
And I Know Where It's Coming From
by Lalo Martins
In a seedy bar somewhere[*], a man was drinking a cocktail made
of the house's cheapest alcohol, toxic waste, rat poison, and
diet soda. He was mixing it himself, because even in such a
nasty place, the bartender refused to touch diet soda.
[* One that looks remarkably like the diner in #12, because
yeah, we need to save money on sets -- Footnote Cybergirl]
~"That can't be healthy"~, said a stranger behind him.
"Meh", he said. "It's strong enough to make me forget."
~"Are you seeking death?"~
"Already died three times. First time it caused a bit of a
ruckus, but then they got used to it."
~"Why would you do that on purpose?"~
The man shrugged. "It worked for D'Anna Briers, I reckon it
should be good enough for me."
He sighed and finally turned to look at the meddler. The
stranger was wearing one of those Ben Grimm overcoat-and-hat
outfits, buttoned up, and had his hands in his pockets.
"The truth is, I can't help the dying. If I'm drinking and I
don't die somehow, then I'm sure a bar fight would break out and
I'd die, or a spaceship would crash in the bar, or we'd be
invaded by", and he shuddered, "ninjas or something. So killing
myself is the only way to drink in relative peace."
~"Oh. I see. Smart. What, if I may ask, is troubling you?"~
Cannon Fodder turned back towards the bar and took a big gulp.
"In the beginning of April, and it's ridiculous that I'd call
April 57th the 'beginning' of the month, I set out to
investigate these inter-dimensional chumps. Then a few days
later I also set out to investigated the mysterious revamping of
one of my close friends. After that, I learned the truth about
my origin, had an affair with my deceased brother's former
girlfriend, bought a planet, changed the way of life of an
entire civilization, was instrumental in repelling an invasion
of Looniearth, and helped topple the world's largest criminal
organization to date."
~"Sounds like a productive enough month."~
Cannon Fodder laughed. "I guess. But my friend disappeared
like most of my other friends did, and we still know nothing
about his revamping, or for that matter, his disappearance. And
we haven't found a single piece of useful information about the
inter-dimensional guys that started all this journey." He
looked around in a daze, and died.
The stranger waited patiently. After a while he took a gloved
hand (or maybe "gauntlet" would be a more correct word than
"glove") from his pocket and checked a device on his wrist,
which was most likely not a watch. He looked around, but
everyone else was minding their own business. Cannon Fodder
finally gasped back to life, and fumbled around for his glass.
Before he could find it, though, he had a good look of the man
standing next to him.
"Saaaaaaaaay... don't I know you?"
~"You don't, but we've met before."~
"Scrad me pink! You're that Xinerama brother!"
~"Indeed I am. I have--"~ -- but Fodder was on his throat, and
then they were crashing through the bar. Fodder first threw him
on the floor, without letting go of the throat, and slammed his
head repeatedly against it. Then the Xinerama brother pushed
him to a side, but that only made the two of them roll; as soon
as he was on top of Fodder, a knee on the gender-specific region
of his anatomy sent him hurling backwards, through a table, a
shelf, a wall (damn cheap walls, thought Fodder), until he
finally stopped on a large biker.
Naturally, a bar fight ensued, and Cannon Fodder was killed.
When the dust settled, the two men were sitting on the kerb
outside, drinking cheap beer.
~"That was entertaining, thank you."~
"Don't mention it. You were saying?"
~"You should not feel guilty for not discovering anything about
us. I never expected you would. We have been keeping our
existence a secret for long enough."~
"I've looked for you guys in dozens of universes!"
~"And that is why you failed. We made our base on our own
universe, one where life has been already extinct for a while,
so nobody thinks of looking for us there."~
"Oh. You could have said."
~"I could not. Your friend's explosion[*] did not leave me
opportunity to say much. Or to tell you what I desired for you
to do. And yet, you did it well enough."~
[* 58.5 #1 -- Footnote Cybergirl]
~"What I intended was for you to prepare. With all you have
grown since that time, and the allies you have made, you now
stand a chance of stopping my brothers."~
~"And know this. The time will--"~
The Xinerama brother just looked at him with an expression of
pain, and clutched his chest.
But he fell to a side, dead. Behind him, stood another Xinerama
brother, in similar but different armor and hairdo, holding some
kind of sword. Then he knelt by his brother's side, picked up
the device from his wrist, and smashed it. "Enough prattling,
brother. Your warnings will come to naught. It's time to end
this bothersome universe once and for all."
Cannon Fodder stood up in a heroic pose. "The time will come
soon, I guess he was going to say. Well. I'm ready."
The other Xinerama brother laughed. ~"Are you indeed?"~
Fodder pulled a Big Gun out of, er, somewhere. "Give me the
worst you have."
~"Oh, Godd Fodder, you are an amusement indeed. Have you not
just sparred against my weaker brother, and noticed you could
not hurt him at all? What can you possibly expect to accomplish
The net.hero cocked his gun. It didn't need cocking, but he had
recently added a cocking mechanism anyway just for dramatic
purposes. It can never hurt.
"We'll see, I guess. Come on, give me your worst."
~"If you insist"~, said the Xinerama brother. He fumbled in a
pocket, and pulled out the Ultimate Gnab.
Amanda "Amy" Zing The Amazing Amazon mine
Blackbird Jones Blackbird mine
Meredith Samuels Analytic mine
Green Delaware Tree-Hugging Kid mine
Bonnie Chique Bandwagon Chick Sue Clark's
Wally Windsor Fan Boy mine
Doug "Dawg" Tyler Ultra-Mobile Dawg mine
Kiwi Kiwii Kiwi Howie K. mine
Daniel Hunt Contraption Boy mine
Blur Blur mine
Margo "Maggie" Sumner Smoke Ring Girl mine
Godd Fodder Cannon Fodder wReam's (special
thanks to Dvandom)
If you're on Facebook, join the LNH group today!
More information about the racc