LNH: Alt.stralian Yarns #9: Q1 - Super Duper Awesome Team Force Go!

[Tarq]

ALT.STRALIAN YARNS #9
Q1 - Super Duper Awesome Team Force Go!
by Mitchell Crouch

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~ * MANY YEARS BEFORE THE EVENTS IN ALT.STRALIAN YARNS #1 *~

Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man looked up at the sound of a loud
bark to see his adopted son (mentioned in Yarns #6) jump out of his
ute with a cattle dog.

"Oi mate," he called out as he began to walk towards the ute. "What's
all this, eh? We don't need a bluddy dog."

But then his son turned towards him, and BOBFWTLMan saw his customary
maroon shirt completely unbuttoned... and the spandex costume beneath
it.

"You know that I've been talking about it for ages, dad," his son
began. "And I reckon I'm going to do it. I have a gift. I'm gunna use
it."

"And you bluddy well know that I said 'no' unless ya go for yer Aunt
Boris' Super Duper Team Force Awesome Go in Bris.bit. They're lookin'
for recruits, you're lookin' for a team, so it'll be bluddy that or
bluddy nothin'. And ya already bought yer damn dog to take with ya
now, so get goin' or help me move the supersteer into the next
paddock."

"The dog's not for me, dad," his son replied unfazed. "He's for you.
So you don't get, y'know, lonely. Called him Bingo."

Been-Out-Bush blinked. "Bingo? What the bluddy hell sort of name is
that? May as well have called him bluddy Eureka. Or Foundim. Or
Thatswhereiputthebluddything."

Shrugging, his son turned back towards the ute. "I know you're trying
to goad me into arguing, dad, but it isn't gunna work. I'm going. And
if you're that worried about Aunt Boris, I'll pop in and see her on
the way."

Realising that his son's mind was made up, Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-
Long Man sighed and nodded. "Alright then. Take good care o' yerself,
then, yeah? I wanna see ya back here some time. Bluddy dog won't be
able to heard hulkhens like you do."

His son laughed shortly and nodded, and BOB continued, "Take some
supersteer with ya, too. It's a long way to Bris.bit, and any bluddy
restaurants will rip ya bluddy off. You bluddy net.heroes, always
flyin' off whenever the real work's got to be done."

Father and son stood facing each other. After a prolonged embrace, and
a pump of each others hand, son jumped back in the ute and revved the
engine.

"Oi mate," Been-Out-Bush called. "What are you gunna call yourself,
anyway? Good hero's gotta have a good name, ya know."

His son considered this for a second before replying, "Yeah. Been
thinking about it for a while. Been thinking I'm gunna call myself
Contempo Weapons Lad."

BOBFWTLMan nodded, and Contempo Weapons Lad drove off into the
Alt.stralian Bush.

~ * ~

Contempo Weapons Lad jumped out of the ute at Super Duper Awesome Team
Force Go headquarters in Bris.bit, and was met by his obese half-shark
great aunt, Aunt Boris.

"CWLad!" cried Aunt Boris. "Your father called three days ago to let
us know you were coming. His message arrived this morning. You simply
must tell him to get better reception out there in the bundi."

Contempo Weapons Lad frowned. "Yeah. Totally. Because better reception
is available out there in the bundi. Being as it is the, y'know,
bundi. Totally."

"And some supersteer, too!" Aunt Boris continued as she rushed towards
the ute where the three supersteer were uncomfortably piled. "Your
father didn't tell us he'd sent you with a month's worth of lunch,
too!" She laughed shrilly, and the supersteer gazed at one another
worriedly.

Stepping between the half-shark and the steer, Contempo Weapons Lad
interrupted with, "Actually, I was meant to eat them on the way up. I
just never quite got around to it. They've sort of become pets. So,
y'know, not eating them would be great. Really, really great."

"Pets? Why, darling, why didn't you say so? What are their names?"

Pausing, CWLad indicated a steer with each name he spouted. "Um. Ah.
Well, that's Eureka. And Foundim. And Thatswhereiputthebluddything."

"Now, now. No need for crudeness. What did you call the third one?"

"Thatswhereiputthebluddything."

Aunt Boris bristled. "Yes, yes. We've already established that that's
where the poor dear is. Now what did you call him?"

"That _is_ his name. His name is Thatswhereiputthebludything. It's a
long story."

"I'm sure it is." Aunt Boris eyed Contempo Weapons Lad with her steely
gaze before turning a hungry eye onto Thatswhereiputthebluddything.
"Poor thing would probably rather be dead."

Contempo Weapons Lad gulped nervously, and began to shove Aunt Boris
inside. "Ha. Ha ha! Heh. Yes. Well. I suppose I'd better meet the rest
of the team, then, if we're to fight together. Defend together.
Protect together. Avenge together. All of that sort of thing."

"Of course!" cried Aunt Boris with renewed vigour. She opened the
door, and Contempo Weapons Lad slipped inside. "Gang, this is my great
nephew, Contempo Weapons Lad. CW, this is the team. That's
Flutterfly," Aunt Boris motioned towards a half-human, half-butterfly
who was flipping around on the ground like a fish out of water,
seemingly having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that she had
no limbs, "and over there is Fish Goober Guy," she waved her hand
towards a normal looking guy... who had a small green fish as a head.
Fish Goober Guy raised a hand in greeting. "And that's I-Just-Can't-
Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man over there." In the corner, a
man with incredibly tight blue and green spandex tugged and pulled at
his costume uncomfortably.

Aunt Boris beamed proudly. "So! That's us. Super Duper Awesome Team
Force Go." A sudden ringing sounded in a nearby office, and everybody
perked up as Aunt Boris ran for the phone. "Hello? ...yes. Uh-huh. Yes,
I see. Don't worry, sir -- Super Duper Awesome Team Force Go is on the
case."

~ * ~

"This is historically lame," complained Contempo Weapons Lad. I-Just-
Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man nodded in agreement, a
tiny little motion in amongst the ocean of too-much-spandex that he
now had on. The two epic heroes were the only ones in the little
rubber boat, speeding out to sea. Aunt Boris and Fish Goober Guy were
both swimming alongside, and overhead Flutterfly flapped desperately
to keep up.

Their mission? To intercept a nasty looking piece of seaweed that was
headed for the city's beaches. The coast guard had described it as
being 'like, a metre big', and so the authorities had jumped straight
to their last resort.

"Why did you join Super Duper, anyway?" queried IJCQSTGMSTFMan. "You
don't seem quite like the loserish kind."

"I was conscripted," replied Contempo Weapons Lad nonchalantly. "I was
determined to be a superhero, and my old man wouldn't let me unless I
joined forces with Aunt Boris. So here I am. You?"

"Pretty much the same," began the unfitting wonder. "Except my dad
didn't have a say in it. I wanted to join the LNH -- you know, the big
legion, over in the states? 'Cept I couldn't get there. So jumped
straight into the local team. I'm hoping that I'll get the opportunity
to move there one day, but... y'know. Never know."

Suddenly, Fish Goober Guy started waving his arms above his head and
splashing madly. Contempo Weapons Lad stopped the boat, and Aunt Boris
and Flutterfly both stopped to observe him.

"Fish Goober Guy!" cried Aunt Boris. "What's wrong?"

Fish Goober Guy's mouth opened and closed in a fishy fashion.

"If only he could speak!" lamented Flutterfly.

Suddenly, with an almighty sea roar, a sea lion burst from the ocean
and bit Fish Goober Guy's head off.

"Holy sea cow!" cried I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit
Man. "Fish Goober Guy!"

Aunt Boris gasped as the sea lion grabbed Fish Goober Guy's body in
his mouth and swam off. "No! I won't let him get away with FGG's
body!" Aunt Boris zoomed off after the sea lion.

"What the... shit. Shit shit, guys," growled Contempo Weapons Lad.
"Quickly, Spandex Man! Start the motor!"

The unfitting wonder grabbed the ignition cord and began tugging at it
madly. "It won't start!" he cried. "The motor must have gotten water
in it or something!"

"Isn't it waterproof? Being on a boat and all?"

"Apparently not."

Flutterfly rolled her eyes. "Geez. Load of good you guys are. I'll
follow Aunt Boris -- just stay here and don't die, okay?"

Contempo Weapons Lad nodded. "Okay. Take care, Flutterfly. I think I
noticed the winds picking up."

Flutterfly stopped beating her wings for a second to consider.
"Really?" A second was all she needed to fall into the water. "Damn
it!" She flapped her wings desperately, but they were completely
ineffective in the water. "Damn it, damn it, god DAMN it!"

I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man jumped up.
Tripping on his overly large costume, he fell down, and then jumped up
again.

"I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man!" cried Contempo
Weapons Lad. "Don't do anything stupid! Sit back down!"

"No, my friend," responded I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-
To-Fit Man soberly, "This is what is required of a hero sometimes."
And he jumped into the water after Flutterfly.

"But... Spandex Man Guy Dude!" screamed CWLad. "Your large amounts of
spandex will prevent you from being able to swim!"

But Contempo Weapons Lad's warning came too late. The massive amounts
of spandex engulfed both I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-
Fit Man and Flutterfly, and dragged them down as two mildly squirming
bulges in the fabric.

When the last bubble had risen to the surface, Contempo Weapons Lad
sat alone in the boat, in the middle of the ocean, in dead silence.
What had just happened? He'd been part of a team of net.heroes. In
less than a minute, a sea lion and some spandex had completely
decimated said team. At least three heroes were dead, with Aunt Boris
still unaccounted for.

After a long moment of doing not much of anything, Contempo Weapons
Lad called out, "Aunt Boris?"

When no reply came after a considerable length of time, he tried
again. "Aunt Boris?" This strategy he repeated en masse. Finally, Aunt
Boris popped up beside him.

"CW!" she gasped. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you.
Where's everyone else?"

"They're dead."

"Oh. Why?"

"Flutterfly went out looking for you, but fell into the water. That
Spandex Bloke jumped in to save her, but his copious amounts of
spandex drowned them both."

"Ah." Aunt Boris looked around awkwardly. "So... I suppose you could
almost say that it's sort of my fault they're dead."

"Yeah."

Aunt Boris shook her head shamefully. "How foolish of me! If only I
hadn't put the body of my dead teammate ahead of my own life, they
would still be alive. I feel so guilty... I wish I were dead."

Contempo Weapons Lad went to comfort his aunt when a sea lion burst
out of the water and bit Aunt Boris' head right off before continuing
to drag away the body. Left alone once more in the middle of the
ocean, Contempo Weapons Lad remarked, "Bother."

Drifting along peacefully for a moment, he sighted the piece of
seaweed that they had been sent to defuse. He put his hand into the
water and dragged it out. All in all, he would say it was about sixty
centimetres (approximately two feet, I believe) long.

He studied the unremarkable marine flora, and considered the lives
lost in the pursuit of it. Weighing up the pros and cons of the
situation, he nodded curtly and declared, "Mission accomplished!"

He then continued to try to get back to shore but failed because the
boat wasn't working. Sucked in.

----------

Okay, so the second arc ("Q") in Yarns has now begun. Hurrah. This
will follow more closely my original plans for the series, which is
slightly longer (and shinier) issues which can each act stand on their
own a bit -- a lot, I hope -- better than Yarns #2-8. Also, I just
thought I should clarify this now, none of the members of Super Duper
Awesome Team Force Go were actually meant to serve any purpose other
than to kickstart Contempo Weapons Lad's net.hero career, and die in
what was hopefully an amusing way (Fish Goober Guy was going to have a
halibut for a head for a while, thus the sea lion -- the halibut's
only natural predator). Except for Flutterfly, but her usefulness
shall not be revealed until later. I'm not sure why I'm spilling out
important plot points to you now, it really makes no sense. I should
probably stop.

~Mitchell.