LNH/ACRA: Untold Tales of the Looniverse #5

[Martin Phipps]

  "So, Dave, what do you think?"
  "I don't know, Zack.  It's just a car."
  "Just a car?  Dave, this is _my_ car."
  "It's a piece of junk, Zack."
  "Dave, it's a classic."
  "A classic?  Is that what the guy at the used car
dealership told you?"
  "Whoa."
  "What?"
  "Dave... check her out."
  "Yeah.  She's nice."
  "Dave.  Get out of the car."
  "What?"
  "Dave.  Now.  Get out now."
  "Why?  Because I said your car was--?"
  "Dave, this is my chance!  Look at her!  She's
alone, walking the street--"
  "Sounds like she could be a hooker, Zack."
  "I need to ask her if she wants a lift and this car
only seats two so--"
  "Right.  I get it."
  "So you get out.  Now."
  "No way, Zack.  I am _not_ walking home."
  "Dave, this is my car."
  "Right.  And you aksed me to come with you and check
it out."
  "Dave, if the situation were reversed then you'd do
the same for me."
  "I would?"
  "Of course, because your my friend."
  "Well then, friend, you owe me big for this."
  "Sure.  No problem.  Just get out.  Now."
  He did.  Zack pulled the car over to where the woman
was.
  "Hey!  Need a lift?"
  "Excuse me?"
  "It's a long way home."
  "It's okay."
  "I'm Zack."
  "I'm Emma."
  "Well, Emma, this is my car."
  "Okay."
  "If you need a lift, I can use it to take you to
town."
  "Well... okay."  
  She got in.
  "Oh," Zack said after a few minutes of driving, "the
engine's starting to overheat.  It's an old car, you
see.  We're going to have to park for a while."
  "Okay."
  He parked the car in an area overlooking the city.
  "It's shouldn'y be that long.  Fifteen.  Twenty
minutes tops.  Gee.  What can we do for twenty
minutes."
  "We could talk."
  "Talk.  Sure."
  "Or we could have sex."
  "Sex?  Really?"
  "Sure.  I've never had sex with a member of your
species."
  "Species.  Funny.  I guess you usually go for
jocks."
  "Jocks?"
  "You know.  Athletes.  As opposed to nerds like me."
  "Oh, I see.  It doesn't matter because this will be
nonprocreative sex."
  "Okay."
  She took off her top, unhooked and removed her bra,
revealing her ample bosom in the process.
  "Whoa!" Zack said.
  "You approve?"
  "Most definitely!"
  "What about you?"
  "What about me?"
  "I have removed my top.  What about you?"
  "Right."  Zack quickly removed his T-shirt.  "Okay."
  "Good."  Emma proceeded to pull down her skirt.
  (This is it!)o. Zack thought.  (This is it!)
  Emma removed her skirt, panties and all.
  "Oh no," Zack said.
  "You don't approve?"
  "No.  No.  No no no!" he said shaking his head.

           Untold Tales of the Looniverse #5

        "Transvestites: More Than Meets the Eye"

  "Perhaps I should tell you the truth."
  "I guessed already.  You're a guy."
  "Not exactly."
  "Then what are you?"
  "I'm not human."
  "Not human.  Great."
  "I'm from the planet Victorvictoria.  We came here
to observe your planet."
  "Wait.  _We_?  There are more of you?"
  "That's right.  As I said, our original mission was
simply to observe."
  "Wait.  _Original mission_?  So how has your mission
changed?"
  "For most of us our mission remains the same as it
has always been but some of us have taken it upon
themselves to proactively shape this planet's
destiny."
  "How?  What are they doing?"

  Meanwhile, in a snazzy Net.York hotel room, a man in
his early sixties has just finished having sex with a
woman in her early thirties, a woman who is only
slightly overweight.
  "Oh, Bill, that was wonderful."
  Bill gave her a broad smile.  "Just remember: if
anybody asks we did not have sexual relations."
  She sighed.  "Why don't you just leave her?"
  "I can't," Bill admitted.  "She's my only hope of
getting back into the White House."
  "Is that really so important to you?"
  "Of course.  Some of my happiest memories are from
when I was working in the oval office."  Bill looked
off into the distance, reflected about the past and
smiled.
  "What I don't understand, Bill, is why all this
sneaking around.  Hillary isn't an ugly woman.  Why
are you always, you know, screwing around."
  "She's got a penis," he said quickly.
  "What?"
  "She isn't even human."
  "You're kidding."
  "I'm not.  But she helped me to become first the
governer of Alt.kansas, then the President and now I'm
on my way to becoming this countries first First
Gentleman.  We'll be making history, Sarah."
  "But if she's not even human..."
  "Don't tell anybody, Sarah.  Please."
  "I don't know..."
  "Sarah," Bill said, "if I'm the First Husband then
I'll get my own office."
  "Really?"
  "And you know what that means, don't you?  I'll get
my pick of who to hire as an intern."

  Zack was horrified by what Emma told him.
  "Hillary is an alien?"
  "That's right."
  "But it's unconstitutional."
  "How's that?"
  "The President of the Loonited States has to be born
here in this country.  There's no way an alien can
become president."
  "Oh.  I see.  Then you'll have to promise to tell no
one."
  Zack shook his head.  "I don't think so!  My dad's a
republican!  This is just teh sort of thing he's been
hoping to hear!"
  "In that case, Zack, I'm sorry."
  "Sorry?"
  Emma grabbed Zack's head and twisted it violently,
snapping his neck.  He went limp.
  "I'm sorry I had to kill you."
  Emma grimaced.  She was really looking forward to
having sex with Zack and now she wouldn't get the
chance.
  Or maybe she could.  After all, his body was still
warm.  She pulled down her pants and was instantly
reminded of the fact that people on this planet only
have a single set of genitals.  She therefore turned
him over so that she could have access to the only
hole he had available:

                        THE END 

Martin


       
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