[Starfall/ACRA] Metal Fire #10, False Maria 04

Wil Alambre wilalambre at gmail.com
Fri Sep 22 14:21:42 PDT 2006

I expected this issue to fall off the rails, in terms of the entire
arc. A difference of fur of five years between issues 07-09 and issue
10... and even the issues 07-09 were written after stumbling through
Marlo Vivo 01-04 (which are rougher). I'm trying to "get back into it"
and will have to relearn everything that was coming easily years ago.

After re-reading the issue, I would probably have split it up into
two. Not sure *where* I'd split it up, but that would relieve the
sudden rush of events and handy wrap-up... most likely issue "10A"
would have been building the coming physical threat (the gunman) and
given more time for Ed and Kim "get along", to semi-trust each other.
"10B" would have been the hacking and shooting issue, wrapping up the
cliffhanger and the arc.

New rule of thumb for self: don't be a slave to the original plotted
outline, don't be afraid to lengthen the arc out. Despite my attempts
to condense my stories, I should let them drag out if I think they
need to... at least until "back in the groove". :)

Wil A.

On 9/22/06, Martin Phipps <martinphipps2 at yahoo.com> wrote:
> Wil Alambre wrote:
> >  Once inside and out of sight of the street, all three men unzipped their
> > jackets and pulled out large pistols they were obviously very comfortable in
> > using. Jackson put a finger to his lips, and pointed down the hall toward a
> > winding set of stairs.
> Minor point: one hand was holding a pistol; the other hand held a gun.
> Which hand pointed down the hall?  I can think of two possibilities: 1)
> he touched his lips and pointed with the same finger or 2) he actually
> gestured with his gun.  Not a big deal but the ambiguity makes it hard
> to get a clear picture in my mind.
> >  He clicked his tongue a couple times, thinking. Okay. Okay, yeah, this might
> > work. "I have an idea," he announced, "but you're not going to like it."
> >
> >  "Why not?"
> >
> >  "Well..." he said with a combination of caution and *wicked* anticipation,
> > "If you thought people dialling in and mucking around with your brain like it
> > was an open source project was creepy, this is going to *really* freak you
> > out."
> You cut away.  You cut back.  The passage of time is implied.  But you
> needed a few more lines here to make it clear what happened in the
> meantime.  Maybe...
> "Spit it out."
> "These computers.  How much free space is on them?"
> "A few dozen gigabytes.  Why?"
> "That should be enough."
> "For what?"
> "For a transfer."
> "A transfer?  I don't get it."
> "I need to be able to see what's in your head and you need to be able
> to stay awake.  So we'll download your brain onto this computer."
> "You're right."
> "About what?"
> "I don't like it."
> "Trust me.  This is the only way we can beat them."
> This way the reader doesn't feel as though he missed anything because
> he has a better idea what they were doing during the cut away.  And
> with the whole mind transfer scenario set up the victory comes across
> as less of a cheat.  (It isn't a cheat because you did set it up but
> the victory is a little bit too unexpected and does come across as a
> cheat.)
> Martin

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