[Starfall/ACRA] Metal Fire #10, False Maria 04

[Martin Phipps]

Wil Alambre wrote:
>  Once inside and out of sight of the street, all three men unzipped their
> jackets and pulled out large pistols they were obviously very comfortable in
> using. Jackson put a finger to his lips, and pointed down the hall toward a
> winding set of stairs.

Minor point: one hand was holding a pistol; the other hand held a gun.
Which hand pointed down the hall?  I can think of two possibilities: 1)
he touched his lips and pointed with the same finger or 2) he actually
gestured with his gun.  Not a big deal but the ambiguity makes it hard
to get a clear picture in my mind.

>  He clicked his tongue a couple times, thinking. Okay. Okay, yeah, this might
> work. "I have an idea," he announced, "but you're not going to like it."
>
>  "Why not?"
>
>  "Well..." he said with a combination of caution and *wicked* anticipation,
> "If you thought people dialling in and mucking around with your brain like it
> was an open source project was creepy, this is going to *really* freak you
> out."

You cut away.  You cut back.  The passage of time is implied.  But you
needed a few more lines here to make it clear what happened in the
meantime.  Maybe...

"Spit it out."

"These computers.  How much free space is on them?"

"A few dozen gigabytes.  Why?"

"That should be enough."

"For what?"

"For a transfer."

"A transfer?  I don't get it."

"I need to be able to see what's in your head and you need to be able
to stay awake.  So we'll download your brain onto this computer."

"You're right."

"About what?"

"I don't like it."

"Trust me.  This is the only way we can beat them."

This way the reader doesn't feel as though he missed anything because
he has a better idea what they were doing during the cut away.  And
with the whole mind transfer scenario set up the victory comes across
as less of a cheat.  (It isn't a cheat because you did set it up but
the victory is a little bit too unexpected and does come across as a
cheat.)

Martin