LNH/NTB/REPOST: Simon Velcro, revised edition

[Tom Russell]

 SIMON VELCRO
revised edition
BY TOM RUSSELL

   "Take away your hand!  the argument's finished,
friendship lost, gossip is shouting, everything's
said!"
   "I'd say.  When will these thing end?"
   "Sarcastic Lad!" Opera Chick looked at one of her
two companions in the opera box with grave
disapproval.  "_Peter Grimes_ is the greatest English
language opera ever written."
   "What about _Cats_?" offered the other man in the
opera box.
   "_Cats_ isn't an opera," said Opera Chick edgily.
   "It's a rock opera."
   "It is not.  _Jesus Christ Superstar_ is a rock
opera.  _Cats_ is... an abomination!"
   "No," said the caustic crusader pointedly, "the
Abomination is a Marvel comics character."
   "He's got you there."
   "Honestly,
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason-Kid,"
chastised Opera Chick, "I don't know who's worse.  You
or him."
   "Him," said both at once.
   "I don't know why I invited either of you.  You
know, I would have had more fun inviting GIWACK."
   "GIWACK?"
   "The Giant Wandering Cow Kid," said Opera Chick.
   "Sounds an awful lot like SAFNARK," said
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid.
   "It sounds nothing like SAFNARK.  Now, will you
please be quiet?  I'm trying to watch the opera?"
   "If you want my opinion," whispered Sarc to
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid, "I think
you should find this GIWACK and kick his ass."
   "It would be her ass," said someone behind them. 
They turned to see Cheesecake-Eater Lad.  "GIWACK is a
she."
   "I am trying to watch the opera!" screeched Opera
Chick at the top of her lungs. Everyone below their
opera box looked up at them, and Opera Chick shrunk
from view.
   An usher entered the box. "I'm going to have to ask
you people to leave."
   "And just when I was getting into the story,"
lamented Sarc.

   "So, what brings you here?" queried
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid of
Cheesecake-Eater Lad.  "I don't remember you getting
tickets to the opera."
   "Well, do you remember when I bought that
'Incredibly Contrived Plot Device Cheesecake'?" [*--
STUDENT DRIVER LASS.]
   "The one that got used by someone else before you
could return it?"
   "The very same.  Well, I had to borrow money to get
it..."
   "How much did it cost?"
   "Roughly-- uh, ten thousand."
   "Ten thousand!" said
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid, laughing.
 "What the hell is wrong with you, ten thousand?"
   "Um, uh..."
   "I've heard of some stupid people in my time,"
continued Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid.
   "Yeah," said Opera Chick pissily.  "Like the idiot
who spent two hundred dollars a pop on opera tickets
only to spend most of the time yelling at you
jackasses!"
   Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid meekly
murmured an apology before wetting himself.
   "Where'd you get the money from?" said Opera Chick,
her anger subsiding momentarily.
   "Member of the NTB."
   "Net Trenchcoat Brigade?"
   "No, National Tire and Battery.  I bought the
cheesecake from a Net Trenchcoat Brigadier."
   "So, you borrowed ten thousand dollars from an auto
mechanic to buy an all-powerful cheesecake from a
Trenchcoater?"
   "Well, yeah."  A sense of urgency suddenly filled
his voice: "But the mechanic wants his money back and
I don't have it so he hired someone from the NTB to
break my legs!"
   "The auto mechanic hired a Net Trenchcoat
Brigadier..."
   "No."
   "So he hired another auto mechanic..."
   "No.  Wrong NTB.  It's a Nasty Time-traveling
Bastard that I'm running from."
   "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" asked
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid.
   "Well, as soon as I entered the opera house, I was
drawn into the beautifully crafted and tragic
storyline..."
   "You came in at the end of it!" argued SAFNARK.
   "But it's just so great, that at the end..."
   "Enough," said Opera Chick, irritably.  "Let us all
agree that we shall never mention the opera again."
   "Um, then what should we call you?"
   "Please don't hit me."
   "Please don't hit me?" said Sarc.  "What kind
of..."
   Opera Chick raised her mighty fist.
   "Oh."
   "So," said Opera Chick, "where is this NTB person
now?"
   "The National Tire and Battery guy, or the Net
Trenchcoat Brigade guy?"
   "The Nasty Time-traveling Bastards guy."
   "Oh.  He's over there, breaking SAFNARK's legs."
   "WHAT?"
   Opera Chick turned to see an extremely tall bald
man with a thick, swirling moustache twisting the
frail body of Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason
Kid.
   "Why didn't you say something before?" said Opera
Chick.
   "Nobody likes him," shrugged Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
   "This is true.  But he's still a legionnaire!  You!
 Put down that LNHer!"
   "Make me!" said the Nasty Time-traveling Bastard.
   Opera Chick leapt towards her opponent, preparing
to unleash a deadly drop kick of the Valkyries, when
she found herself being propelled backwards and
landing with a thud on the sidewalk.  "What happened?"
   "Ha!" laughed the Nasty Time-traveling Bastard. 
"It is the power that all of us possess.  None may do
us harm, save a member of the NTB!"
   "So we need to find another Nasty Time-traveling
Bastard and hire him to break this one's legs?" said
Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
   "Wrong NTB."
   "Net Trenchcoat Brigade?"
   "Nope."
   "Please don't tell me it's National Tire and
Battery," groaned Sarc.
    "Man, you guys are stupid!  No!  I can only be
harmed by a member of the Nuisance Team Band!"
   "The what?"
   "The most annoying beings in the universe are part
of the Nuisance Team.  But a select few of them-- the
elite irritants of all the galaxies-- are a part of
their instrumental band!  Only one of them can defeat
me, by humming a few bars from _Cats_."
   "Wait, wait, wait," said
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid.  "_I'm_ a
member of the NTB!"  He hummed a few bars from _Cats_,
causing the Nasty Time-traveling Bastard to explode,
promptly.
   "Well," said Sarc, "that was a waste of time."
   "Ssh," said Opera Chick.  "Are you all right,
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid?"
   "I've been better.  But thank you..."
   "You're welcome."
   "... for doing absolutely nothing while I
single-handedly saved us from that NTBer!"
   Sarc and SAFNARK snickered at the latter's comment.
 At least, until Opera Chick started to chase them
with a baseball bat.  Both of them promptly ran for
their lives.
   Cheesecake-Eater Lad watched them run off as he
began walking back to the LNHQ.  "Yet another crisis
averted.  You know, there is a lesson here to be
learned.  Never borrow money from an auto mechanic so
that you can a mystical artifact from a Trenchcoater."
   "What about never piss off Opera Chick when she
decides to invite you to the Opera?"
   "Well, that too, I guess, but that's not really the
lesson I learned today.  That's the lesson that Sarc
and SAF-- wait a minute!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad whirled
around to find himself face to face with a tall man
wearing an old railroad conductor's hat, dress pants,
shirt, and suspenders.  "Who are you?"
   "NTB."
   "Nasty Time-traveling Bastards?"
   "No."
   "Nuisance Team Band?"
   "No."
   "Out with it, then!"
   "Net Trenchcoat Brigade.  I'm sure you've dealt
with us before."
   "Where's your trenchcoat?
   "It was stolen."
   "By whom?  Whom would steal a Brigadier's
trenchcoat?"
   "A member of the NTB did it."
   "Not the Nasty Time-traveling Bastards!"
   "No."
   "... National Tire and Battery?"
   "No.  A Negatively Trained Bartender."
   "WHAT?"
   "Hundreds of years ago," began the Trenchcoatless
Trenchcoater, "the fine art of Bartending was divided
into two schools: one of Light, and one of Darkness. 
The school of Darkness was thought destroyed during
the Prohibition: but those whom had been trained in
the negative fashion of the school of Dark Bartending
passed their evil knowledge to their children.  Though
they are few, the Negatively Trained Bartenders are
far more powerful than the inferior school of Light. 
Their power lives on as long as they have progeny, but
there is one catch."
   "One catch?"
   "In order for the legacy of evil to be passed on,
the Negatively Trained Bartender must perform the Dark
Ritual on their first born son while he is clad in the
Trenchcoat of a Net Trenchcoat Brigadier."
   "So he stole your Trenchcoat?"
   "He did indeed.  Without it, I can only appear in
dark alleyways and say prophetic mysterious things and
give small animals bladder infections.  But that's
about it.  Without my trenchcoat, I am powerless: and
the evil of Dark Bartending has won another cruel
victory."
   "Why don't you just go back and get it?"
   "The only way to get it back from him is to disrupt
the ritual by sitting a member of the NTB on his evil
barstool."
   "So, just toss yourself in there!"
   "Wrong NTB."
   "What is it this time?  National Tire and Battery? 
Another Negatively Trained Bartender?"
   "No," said the stranger, tipping his hat and
heaving a sigh, "a Naughty Teenage Babe."
   Cheesecake-Eater Lad blinked.  "You've got to be
kidding me."
   The imperiled man shook his head.  "I kid you not,
brave practitioner of the pastry arts.  And time, I
fear, is short. Within an hour, that vile servant of
vodka shall perform the Dark Ritual.  You must help
me."
   "What's in it for me?  The last time I got tangled
with you people, I ended up with a non-refundable
cheesecake and I had an NTB sicced after me."
   "A Naughty Teenage Babe?" said the man hopefully.
   "No!  A Nasty Time-traveling Bastard!  ... And he's
still after me, probably!"
   "I'll take care of it."
   "What?"
   "You have the word of Simon Velcro-- esteemed
member of the NTB-- that you shall have your debt to
the National Tire and Battery cleared!"
   Cheesecake-Eater Lad thought for a second before he
said, "So, Simon, exactly how do we go about finding a
Naughty Teenage Babe?"

   "Come on, Rob!" squealed Sarc.  "Let us in!"
   "Opera Chick's going to kill us!" pleaded
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid. 
"Sanctuary!  Sanctuary!  MASTER BLASTER!"
   Bad-Timing Boy passed by, laughing at them.
   "What's so funny?" demanded
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid.  "You
cruising for a bruising?"
   "No.  It's just that Master Blaster isn't going to
let you in.  Ever since Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive
Girl joined the LNH, the two of them have been going
at it in his room."
   "Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive-Girl?" said Sarc with
sudden beaming interest.  He redoubled his efforts. 
"Rob, man!  Let me in!  Dear god, let me in!"
   "Too bad you don't fit the bill," said
Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid.
   "What is that supposed to mean?"
   Cheesecake-Eater Lad appeared, running down the
hall.  Sarc called out to him.  "Where've you been,
Cheezit?"
   "No time to explain.  I need to find an NTB.  Maybe
you can help me?"
   "National Tire and Battery?" asked Sarc, pointing
westward.  "Two blocks down."
   "No.  I need to find a... um... a Naughty Teenage
Babe?"
   "Why, Cheesecake-Eater Lad, I didn't figure you for
the type."
   "Shut up, Sarc!  I need one in order to stop a
Negatively Trained Bartender from passing on his dark
legacy through the use of a Net Trenchcoat Brigadier's
trenchcoat."
   "Shouldn't we consult Occultism Kid first?" said
Bad-Timing Boy.  "This seems awfully complicated."
   Little did he know that at that moment, Occultism
Kid was performing a daring exorcism of a demon from a
small leech, and the only way of reversing the spell,
which would cause the demon leech to grow to colossal
heights was by saying the words "awfully complicated"
somewhere within a two male radius.  There came a roar
as half of LNHHQ was obliterated, a giant leech
bursting through the walls.
   "I just need to find a Naughty Teenage Babe, okay? 
And I figured you would know of at least one,
Sarcastic Lad."
   "All the ones I know are on the moon," he shrugged.
 Then he snapped his fingers. "Wait!  Who's in there
with Rob?"
   "Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive-Girl," answered
Bad-Timing Boy.  "She's about nineteen.  But you'll
never get into that room..."
   "Hey!" screeched Cheesecake-Eater Lad.  "SWAAG! 
Wanna make ten bucks?"

   "This is it," said Simon as he pointed to a
dimly-lit bar.  "Are you sure she's official?"
   "I've got my union card," said SWAAG.
   He looked it over.  "Impressive merit badges."
   "Hey," she said.  "How do you know so much about
the NTB?"
   "We're almost out of time!  You've got to hurry!"
   "You know what to do," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
   "I want that ten in cash," said the buxom beauty
before she headed inside and took a seat at the
barstool.
   "That's all?" asked Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
   "Yep."

   Five minutes passed.
   "Hey," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad.  "Howcum you
don't have your coat back yet?  Whenever Frat Boy
would stole Occultism Kid's coat, it came right back
to him."
   "Um..."
   "Is there something you're keeping from me?"
   "Well... I was kinda sorta kicked out of the NTB
about a year ago.  Net Trenchcoat Brigade, that is." 
Simon sniffled.
   "So this has just been one big wild goose chase?"
   "No.  I thought if I got my coat back, then the NTB
would let me back in."  Simon began to sob.  "After
they kicked me out, I tried my hand at becoming a
Nasty Time-traveling Bastard.  But no, I wasn't nasty
enough.
   "But then I learned, naturally, about the Nuisance
Team band.  Well, I made Nuisance Team quickly enough,
but I was never quite good enough for the Band.
   "So I tried to become a Negatively Trained
Bartender.  Bit it didn't work because my father was a
Negatively Trained Bartender, so he couldn't very well
pass on his evil to me.  But when I was trying that, I
learned about the Naughty Teenage Babes."
   Simon shrugged his shoulders.  "Well, I never quite
fit in there, either.  Though I did give excellent..."
   "Family-friendly," reminded Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
   "I just want to fit in," said Simon, pulling his
suspender straps.  "Why can't I fit in?"
   "Maybe you're trying to fit in with the wrong
group," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
   "Do you think?"
   "I'm sure of it."
   "Alright!" Simon beamed.  "Thank you,
Cheesecake-Eater Lad!  I just know I'll love being an
LNHer!"
   "No, no!" squealed Cheesecake-Eater Lad.  "I mean,
find a nice, normal group where you will fit in!  Not
everyone's meant to be a net.hero or an evil bartender
or a Trenchcoater!  Just be yourself..."
   "Look out, Legion: here comes Bladder Infection
Lad!"

Opera Chick: Tom Russell.
Cheesecake Eater Lad: M. Jotham Millheiser
Bad Timing Boy: wReam
Sarcastic Lad: Gary St. Lawrence
Master Blaster: Martin Phipps
SAFNARK and SWAAG: Tom Russell (currently reserved by
Jamie Rosen.)
Bladder Infection Lad: Tom Russell.

---

And in case you're wondering what happened to the
giant leech...

EPILOGUE: from _Web of Mainstream Man # 2_

   "Oh, god," said the Ultimate Ninja.  "That giant
leech is attacking the city!  Pocket Man, Sarcastic
Lad, you get as many people to safety as you can!"
   "Got it, chief!"
   "Limp-Asparagus Lad, use your..."
   "My drama-dampening powers to... yes, yes..."
   "Cameo appearance!" said Sarc.  "What do you
expect?"
   "Cheesecake Eater Lad, see if you can scrounge up
some salt."  The Ninja narrowed his eyes.  "A lot of
salt."
   "What about me?" said Mainstream Man.  "How can I
help?"
   "Uh, Mainstream Man... uh, you... you read your
comic book."
   Mainstream Man smiled and turned the page.

Limp-Asparagus Lad: Saxon Brenton.  Used with
permission.
Ultimate Ninja: wReam.
Cheesecake-Eater Lad: M. Jotham Millheiser.
Mainstream Man: Marc A. Nicol.
Sarcastic Lad, Pocket Man: Gary St. Lawrence

Copyright © 2000, 2006 Tom Russell




---

Tom Russell
Director of MILOS, LIFE AND TIMES OF A DREAMER
Limited autographed dvds now on sale, directly from the filmmaker

"In the beginning, Milos seems to have no clue how to relate
 to anyone.  He is quizzical, leaving the viewer questioning
 and wondering..." 
  -- Ryan M. Niemiec, co-author of MOVIES AND MENTAL ILLNESS

--

"If a comic book, book, movie or novel is not somebody's fantasy 
then who wrote it and to whom does it appeal to?  In order for a 
shared universe to have a widespread appeal, it has to appeal on 
a primal level.  If somebody says superhero comics are just 'wish 
fulfillment' then he needs to explain what is entertainment that 
doesn't satisfy our wishes and what satisfaction at all you can get 
from it." -- Dr. Martin Phipps

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