[LNHY] Looniverse Y #3

phippsmartin at hotmail.com phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Sat Jan 29 18:24:53 PST 2005

Hell was not created as the dominion of Satan.  It
existed before he had ever been created let alone
banished from Heaven.  In those days, it was the
dominion of the Before Satan Guy.

With Satan having asserted his control over Hell,
there was little for the Before Satan Guy to do.
Occasionally, he would do battle with the Before God
Guys, just for old times sake, but he was, for the
most part, now retired.

The Before Satan Guy, therefore, spent his time
watching cable TV and surfng the internet.  He didn't
get a lot of channels and his internet connection was
extremely slow, but he didn't expect much.  After all,
this was Hell.  All in all, then, he didn't feel
particularly disturbed when Bee.gzip.bub appeared in
his home.

"What do you want?" the Before Satan Guy asked.  Did
I forget to mention that the Before Satan Guy was
evil?  That precludes him from greeting Bee.gzip.bub
in a polite manner.

"I'm putting together a consortium of villains,"
Bee.gzip.bub said.  "I want them to come together

"Why?" the Before Satan Guy asked.

"What do you care?" Bee.gzip.bub asked.  "It's
something to do."

The Before Satan Guy nodded.  "Alright," he said.
"I'm in."

The consortium of villains assembled in the Before
Satan Guy's living room: there was Bee.gzip.bub,
I.sig, the Before Satan Guy, SAGneto, Mr. Serious,
Doctor Apocalypse and Dir.mandu.

"I asked you all to come here," I.sig said, "because
I propose that we can pool our resources and destroy
our enemies together!

"If, for example, I were to destroy Doctor Peculiar
then Dir.mandu would be free to attack the Before God
Guys.  This would then leave the Before Satan Guy free
to attck the Teen Fascists.  This would then give
SAGneto an opportunity to attack the Deadly Serious
Squad.  Their arch enemy, Doctor Apocalypse, could
then easily destroy the World's Worst Heroes."

I.sig smiled evilly.  "Then you, Mr. Serious, can
deal with Google.mesh for me!"

"It will be my pleasure," Mr. Serious said, without
so much as cracking a smile.

Looniverse Y #3: Extinction of Vengence, Chapter One

Somewhere in upstate Net.York is the World Mansion,
home of the World's Worst Heroes.  A few years ago,
Professor World passed away.  In his will, he
bequeathed his entire fortune to the formation and
maintenance of a superteam that would fight injustice
in his name.  His lawyer, a Mr. Leroy Laurel, became
the executor of his will and it was he who became
entrusted with the job of assembling and financing the
team.  For this work, Leroy Laurel was entitled to a
monthly stipend of one thousand dollars for every
month in which the team consisted of at least seven
active members.

Professor World's will didn't specify any standards,
however, so Leroy Laurel cynically created the World's
Worst Heroes, consisting of founding members Cryalot,
Fairy, Least, Pathetic Girl, Liceman, Hack and
Pola.rec.  An eighth founding member, Kid Kicked Out,
was kicked out of the group when Leroy Laurel realised
the team had more members than had been deemed

The World's Worst Heroes regulary fought against the
villainous Mr. Serious.  Mr. Serious could have easily
destroyed the World's Worst Heroes, but Mr. Serious
felt it was beneath him to actually try to do so.  He
had, after all, grown up in No Joke City and had been
raised to believe that he should avoid any silly
situations like superhero / supervillain battles.  Mr.
Serious longed for the day when his villainy would
attract the attention of the Deadly Serious Squad.
The Deadly Serious Squad, however, never considered
Mr. Serious, ironically, to be a serious enough
threat, prefering instead to face villains like the
tyrant Doctor Apocalypse.

Doctor Apocalypse, meanwhile, had forged an empire
in the South Pacific centered around Apocalypse
Island.  With the world's attention focused on I.rec
and North Ko.rec.a, few people paid any attention to
Doctor Apocalypse's gradual annexation of small
islands in the South Pacific until the day when Doctor
Apocalypse spoke at the United Nations and demanded
the official recognition of the United Federation of
Apocalypse.  Thus did Doctor Apocalypse cause the
world's attention to be focused on his kingdom.

As a result of regular reports on CNN concerning
attrocities and persecutions of people living in
Doctor Apocalypse's realm, it came as no great
surprise when the World's Worst Heroes were called
upon by the Apocalypse Island rebel forces to go to
Apocalypse Island to help them fight Doctor
Apocalypse.  Unfortunately, Leroy Laurel had decided
that there wasn't enough money in the budget for the
World's Worst Heroes to have their own transportation.
Instead, Leroy Laurel had them take a commercial
flight to Bang.DOD, Thai.lan and then continue from
there by boat to Apocalypse Island.

A few days later, Doctor Apocalypse announced the
capture of the World's Worst Heroes.  He insisted upon
immediate UN recognition for his rule or else the
Ame.rec.an heroes would be executed.

Leroy Laurel demanded that the Loonited States
government respond in force.  He argued that the
message that had supposedly been sent to them by the
Apocalypse Island rebels was probably sent by Doctor
Apocalypse himself as a way to lure a group of
Ame.rec.an heroes to the island.  Professor Luthor,
meanwhile, pointed out that Doctor Apocalypse's
territory had been declared off limits to Ame.rec.ans
and that the World's Worst Heroes had travelled there
under their own risk.  He saw no reason to send either
the Deadly Serious Squad or the Teen Fascists to
rescue the World's Worst Heroes.

Besides, both the Deadly Serious Squad and the Teen
Fascists were already involved in their own fights:
the Deadlt Serious Squad was under attack from SAGneto
and his Army of Hollywood Liberals while the Teen
Fascists were under attack by the Before Satan Guy.
Both teams were, therefore, too busy to get involved.

Leroy Laurel realised that if he couldn't put
together a new team by the end of the month that he
would lose his monthly stipend.  He consulted his
records and found the names of seven would be heroes
who didn't make the final cut for the World's Worst
Heroes, namely Worserine, Stone, Nightcrapper,
Lungshot, Dazed, Confused and Sighalot.

"Well then," Worserine said, "I guess it is up to us
to rescue the World's Worst Heroes then."

"What do you mean?" Leroy asked.

"Isn't that why you brought us together?" Stone

"Look," Leroy said, "there's no money in the budget
to finance another trip to the South Pacific."

"But I thought Professor World was a
multibillionaire!" Nightcrapper said.

"But as the executor of Professor World's estate, I
get to decide how the money should be spent."

"But wouldn't Professor World have wanted his team
of heroes to be rescued?" Lungshot suggested.

"That may be," Leroy said, "but Professor World is
dead and he is not in charge of his estate anymore.  I

"I don't get it," Dazed said.

"Me neither," said Confused.

"I think what Mr. Laurel is trying to say," Sighalot
said, "is that the lives of the World's Worst Heroes
aren't important to him."  She sighed.  "All that is
important to him is the monthly stipend he gets to run
this team.  Isn't that right, Mr. Laurel?"

Leroy Laurel didn't answer.

"Well, I say we should go rescue the World's Worst
Heroes," Worserine said.

"Agreed," Stone said.  "What do the rest of you
say?"  Her teammates all nodded in agreement.

"Fine," Leroy said in disgust.  "You do what you
want!  But don't expect me to pay for it!"  He walked

Sighalot drew in a deep breath and let it out
slowly.  "So does anybody here know the number of a
good travel agent?"



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