[LNHY] Teen Fascists #8

phippsmartin at hotmail.com phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Sat Jan 29 23:55:24 PST 2005

We knew from the reports coming in from CNN that
something was going on so we went to ask Father Priest
what was going on.

"What's going on?" I asked him.

Teen Fascists #8: Extinction of Vengence, Chapter Two

"You mean besides Doctor Apocalypse taking the
World's Worst Heroes captive, SAGneto and his henchmen
attacking the Deadly Serious Squad, Dir.mandu
attacking the Before God Guys and Van Hel.sig and
Buxom the Vampire Slayer having to team up to battle
hoards of demons from Hell?" he said.

"Yeah," I said, "besides that."

He shrugged his shoulders.  "Not much."

It was then that my teammates all spoke up so that
you would be able to remember who else was in the

"Something's must be behind all this," Detender

"Perhaps this is the beginning of the end!" Double
Jeopardy said.

"Whatever it is," Militia Man said as he cocked his
big gun, "we'll handle it!"

"I'm scared!" Search said.

"Me too!" Seizure said.

"Ha ha!" Cruel said.  "Search and Seizure are

"Ha ha!" Unusual said.  "That's funny!"

"Enough!" Judge said as she tried to concentrate.
"I sense a great evil is here amongst us!"

"That would be me!" somebody said.

We all turned to see who had spoken.

"It is Satan himself!" Detender said.

"Actually, no, I'm not Satan."

"You look like Satan," I said.

"Except he's old and wrinkly," Double Jeopardy
pointed out.

"Let's find out if he's bulletproof!" Militia Man
said as he opened fire upon him.  The demon was
unfazed.  "Damn.  He is."

"Who are you?" Judge asked.

"I am the Before Satan Guy!"

"The Before Satan Guy?" Cruel asked.

"Never heard of you," Unusual said.

The Before Satan Guy sighed and shook his head.  "I
am older than God himself!"

"That's not possible!" Search said.

"Nobody is older than God!" Seizure said.

"What about the Before God Guys?" the Before Satan
Guy asked.

"They just _say_ they are older than God," I said,
"but nobody believes them."

"Well, it's true!" he said.  "Your God claims to
have created the entire Looniverse but he's a liar for
beings such as the Before God Guys and myself existed
long before he ever appeared!  It isn't even telling
the truth when he claims to have created humanity for,
in reality, --"

"Enough!" we heard somebody say.

"Swell Boy!  What are you doing here!" the Before
Satan Guy said.

Another demon appeared by the Before Satan Guy's
side.  "You mustn't tell them the truth!" it said.

"And why not?" the Before Satan Guy asked.

"They're religious people!  They aren't interested
in learning the truth!" Swell Boy said.

"That doesn't matter!" the Before Satan Guy said.
"They should still know the truth about their

"Not at the cost of their faith!" Swell Boy said.

"Why is faith so important?" the Before Satan Guy

"It is important to _them_.  They need their faith,
for without faith they would have to think for
themselves," Swell Boy said.

"And what's wrong with that?" the Before Satan Guy

"Free thought is considered inherently evil to
them," Swell Boy explained.  "If they allow themselves
to think then their thinking would cause them to ask
questions and unanswered questions would lead to doubt
and doubt would cause them to question their faith and
questioning one's faith is an inherently bad thing."

"That's a circular argument!" the Before Satan Guy

"I didn't say it made a hell of a lot of sense,"
Swell Boy said.  "I just said that was how they

"Aha!" the Before Satan Guy said.  "You said they
didn't think!"

"I said they didn't think for themselves!" Swell Boy
explained.  "Thinking for themselves eventually leads
to them challenging their faith but thinking as a
group helps maintain their group consciousness and
thereby actually helps reinforce their faith: they
believe that their beliefs are true because other
people around them believe the same thing!"

"Well, I don't care!" the Before Satan Guy said.
"This ends now!  I will tell them what I have to say
and they will have to decide for themselves if what I
tell them is true or not!"

"That is so evil!" Swell Boy said.

"Hello!" the Before satan Guy said.  "I am the
Before Satan Guy!  I am evil!"

"Then I must stop you!" Swell Boy said.

The two demons fought a heated battle right there in
front of us.  It was a no holds barred battle in which
no quarter was given and none was asked.  Each of them
proved that they were the best at what they did and
that what they did wasn't nice.  Swell Boy would beat
the crap out of the Before Satan Guy and he just got
up, dusted himself off and came back for more.  Each
was determined to prove he was the better denon and be
the last demon standing.  It was a true clash of
titans!  A  mano-a-mano would-be fight to the death!
The battle to end all battles for the rest of
eternity!  Finally, I had run out of cliches!

"Enough!" the Before Satan Guy said.  "I'm getting
too old for this!"  The Before Satan Guy waved his
hands and disappeared.

Swell Boy turned to face us.

"Back off, demonspawn!" Militia Man said, pointing
his big gun at Swell Boy.

Swell Boy looked puzzled.  "What is with you guys?"
he asked.  "I just saved your lives!"

"You're a demon!" Search said.

"You're evil!" Seizure said.

Swell Boy shook his head in disgust.  "I am so sick
of hearing that," he said.  "Maybe the Before Satan
Guy was right: maybe you do need to start thinking for

"The Before Satan Guy is also a demon," I said, "so
what he said was a lie!"

"Listen to yourselves!" Swell Boy said.  "Everything
a demon says is a lie to you.  Everything your god
tells you is automatically true.  That is so sad."  He
sighed and through his arms up in frustration.
"That's it!  I'm out of here!"  He left.

"Good riddance!" Detender said.

"I think there's no question that this is all part
of some co-ordinated effort!" I surmised.

"What do you suggest we do?" Double Jeopardy asked.

"Let's go fight alongside the Deadly Serious Squad
against SAGneto and his Army of Hollywood Liberals!" I

"Alright!" Cruel said.

"Cool!" Unusual said.

"I'm ready," Judge said, calmly.

And so we headed to the Fascist Flyer to go fight
alongside the Deadly Serious Squad against SAGneto and
his Army of Hollywood Liberals.



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