[LNHY] Looniverse Y #2

Martin Phipps phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Sat Jan 29 05:48:02 PST 2005

Somewhere in Net.ropolis, a cell phone rang.  It was the cell phone belong 
to Greeve Gaines, otherwise known as Kid Kicked Out, the Leader of the LNH.

>>I've had a relapse, Greeve.<<  It was the Master Root of All Evil calling. 
>>  He had the power to spontaneously bring supervillains to life.

"A relapse?  Barry?  Is that you?  Look, is this important?  I was just on 
my way to see Doctor Peculiar."

>>I was in traffic.  This guy cut me off.  And they just app­eared in my 
>>head.  I couldn't help it.<<

"Wait?  Who appeared in your head?  Were they supervillains?­  Did you 
create more supervillains?"

>>I'm afraid so, Greeves.  Their names are The Road Rager and Madam Middle 
>>Finger.  Be careful!  They're dangerous!<<

Meanwhile, on Danehy-Oakes Avenue, the pair in question were cruising around 
in  a gigantic SUV so big that it wa­s in all eight lanes as well as on the 
sidewalk.  Various wrecked and­ burning cars made a circle around it.  Madam 
Middle Finger stuck her chest out the window and waved both mid­dle fingers 
while shouting a bunch of obscenities at the people on the s­treet while The 
Road Rager had one hand slamming the horn so l­oudly that it shattered 
people's windows and the other hand holding a gun the si­ze of a tank that 
he used to blast the hell out of any car that got too c­lose.

LIMIT'S 35MPH!!!!!  USE YOUR @#$@#$#@ GAS PEDAL!!!!!  GOD!!!  I WISH I HAD 

A child cried as he emerged from one of the wrecked cars.

MR. NICE GUY!!!!!"  The Road Rager took a look at his watch, 

The Road Rager aimed his Traffic Management Gun straight at ­Kid Kicked Out, 
who had just arrived on the scene, and prepared to fire.  Kid Kicked Out 
went, "Ulp!" but before the Road Rager could fire a loud obnoxious beep 
c­ame from Kid K-O's briefcase.

<:*BEEP* *BEEP*  Hey!  People!  I'm beeping!  I'm detecting ­a new member of 
the LNH! *BEEP* *BEEP*  It's no use ignoring me!  I'll ju­st start beeping 
louder!  **BEEP** **BEEP**:> beeped the New LNH Memb­er Detector.

            Looniverse Y #2: LNH Assemble!
  Written by Martin Phipps (from this point on anyway)

(I know,) Kid Kicked Out thought.  (I'll use the briefcase as a shield.  It 
may not protect me from getting killed but at least the blast would destroy 
the New LNH Member Detector.  Either way, I wouldn't have to worry about 
where to find ten million dollars to form the LNH!  Ahhh!!!  I'd be happy if 
I could just get this thing to stop beeping!)

But, alas, before The Road Rager could fire, arrows flew out, seemingly from 
nowhere.  The arrows struck both The Road Rager and Madam Middle Finger, 
killing them instantly, and thereby enabling the current author to avoid 
having to write about them anymore.  With the driver and passenger both 
dead, the SUV came to a stop as it ran up on the sidewalk.

Kid Kicked Out turned to see who had fired the arrows.
"Who are you?" he asked.

The would be net.hero dramatically stepped out of the smoke that had been 
dramatically obscuring his figure.  Of course, in all fairness, the smoke 
made sense as a result of all the cars that had caught on fire as a result 
of The Road Rager shooting up their gas tanks and causing them to explode.  
It still looked cool though.

"I am Van Hel.sig.  Gabriel Van Hel.sig," he said.  Van Hel.sig was dressed 
in Victorian clothing with an overcoat over top and had a wide brimmed hat 
that looked too big for his head.  He carried a mechanical cross bow that 
Kid Kicked Out surmised was what he had used to fire the arrows that had 
killed The Road Rager and Madam Middle Finger.

"Well, I appreciate your help," Kid Kicked Out said.

<:*BEEP* *BEEP*  Hello!  Are you deaf!  This guy's going to be the new LNH 
member!  **BEEP** **BEEP**:> beeped the New LNH Memb­er Detector.

Kid Kicked Out rolled his eyes.  "Right.  Look, I'm forming a new super 
team.  Would you like to join?"

"A new super team?" Van Hel.sig asked.  "Who else is in it?"

"Um... just me," Kid Kicked Out said.

Van Hel.sig sighed and shook his head.  "Look, I'm a bit busy.  I only 
stopped by because it looked like you needed help."

"That's fine!" Kid Kicked Out said.  "I perfectly understand!"

<:***BEEP*** ***BEEP***  HELLO!  Are you going to give up that easily?  
***BEEP*** ***BEEP***:> beeped the New LNH Memb­er Detector.

Kid Kicked Out sighed.  "Fine.  Hey, Van Hel.sig!  You say you're busy!  
Anything I can help with?"

"You?  Alone?"  Van Hel.sig shook his head.  "I don't think so."

"Seriously!" Kid Kicked Out said.  "Come on!  What's the big emergency!"

Van Hel.sig assumed a deeply serious expression.  Actually, he had been 
deeply serious from the start but this was an even more deeply, deeply 
serious expression.  "What if I were to tell you that God and the Devil made 
a wager for the souls of all mankind?"

"A wager?" Kid Kicked Out asked.  "What kind of wager?"

"It's as though the Looniverse were one big chess board and we humans were 
nothing but pawns.  God and the Devil each strategically taking or 
sacrificing our souls so that the more powerful beings can survive and the 
game can continue.  The game will continue until all of mankind has decided 
which side they will be on, either God's or the Devil's."

Kid Kicked Out shook his head.  "I'm sorry but I find that all a bit hard to 

"Would you believe that the word is like a gigantic Monopoly with God in 
control of Park Place and the Devil in control of Baltic Avenue but the 
devil is starting to gain the upper hand having bought all four railways?"

"Frankly, no."

"How about that mankind is like a deck of cards and that God has three aces 
and the Devil has two pairs but that the Devil is betting it all on the hope 
that he can get a full house and take the whole pot?"

"Nope.  Sorry."

Van Hel.sig pointed his crossbow at Kid Kicked Out's head.  "What's wrong 
with you?" he asked.  "Are you some kind of atheist?"

"No no!" Kid Kicked Out said.  "Hell no!  I'm just saying I don't buy any of 
your analogies!  I just want to know what's really going on!"

Van Hel.sig lowered his crossbow.  "Alright then.  I will tell you.  It's 
Rec.ula.  I'm hunting Rec.ula."

"Rec.ula?  The vampire?" Kid Kicked Out asked.  "But I thought vampires were 
a myth!"

"That's what everybody has come to believe.  It's because the vampires are 
so good at covering their tracks."

"So the fact that I've never actually seen a vampire only proves how strong 
a hold they have on us?"

"Exactly!  For years vampires and werewolves have fought an underground war 
but recently the vampires have gained the upper hand and the werewolves have 
been all but wiped out.  Those that survive have gone into hiding so we 
don't know where they are."

"If they've gone into hiding and you don't know where then they could all be 
dead too for all you know."

"Good point," Van Hel.sig conceded.  "In any case, either way, the vampires 
are becoming more bold.  They may soon no longer wish to remain in hiding 
themselves.  They may decide the time has come for them to walk the streets 
with impunity.  We must stop them!"


"By killing their leader, Rec.ula.  That way, the vampires will remain in 
hiding out of fear.  Mankind will be safe."

"Wouldn't it be better if the vampires were drawn out into the open so that 
the authorities could deal with them.  In fact, why not go to the 
authorities yourself and tell them about these vampires?"




"I'm only suggesting--"

"No!  Look, until a few minutes ago, you didn't believe in vampires.  Until 
just now, you didn't know the threat they posed to mankind.  And that's the 
way people want it to be.  There's always some demons gathering up babies or 
virgins for sacrafice or some monster going around biting people and turning 
people into one of them.  The only way these people are able to go on with 
their every day lives is because they do not know.  Get it?"

"Okay.  So what do we do?"

"I'm going to meet my collegue, Buxom the Vampire Slayer, at the local 
subway station.  She has the power to detect powerful vampires.  She can 
lead us to Rec.ula and help us kill him."

"Fair enough.  Let's go."

YYYYYYYYYYY         Looniverse Y         YYYYYYYYYY

Meanwhile, Buxom the Vampire Slayer was waiting at the subway station when 
she was approached by two strangers.

"Hey, you!" one of them said.  He looked squarely at her chest, which while 
obscured by her overcoat was clearly the inspiration for her code name.  
"You're Buxom!"

"And you're crass!" she said as she took off the overcoat and revealed the 
skimpy costume underneath.

"Holy sh*t!" the two would-be attackers said.

Buxom smiled.  "Is that a stake in your pants or are you happy to see me?"

"Um, well, it's not a stake," the drooling villain said.

"Oh no?  Well this is!"  Buxom pulled a stake seemingly out of nowhere 
(There wouldn't appear to have been anywhere to keep stakes in her costume.) 
and stabbed the creature in the heart.  The creature crumbled to dust.  
Apparently it had been a vampire and Buxom, with her ability to detect 
vampires, already had known that.

The other vampire clapped his hands slowly.  "Good.  Very good.  You killed 
the rookie with ease.  But how to do plan to stop me?"

Just then, arrows shot out and hit the vampire squarely in the chest and 
caused him to immediately crumble into dust.

"Van Hel.sig!"


"What took you so long?" she asked.

"Sorry," Van Hel.sig apologised.  "I got held up."

"Who is this?" Buxom asked.

"I'm Kid Kicked Out.  I'm the leader of the LNH.  Say... you've got pretty 
good, um, moves.  Do you want to join our group?"

The voice of the New LNH Member Detector spoke up.  <:You can't have her 
join the LNH.  Both she and Van Hel.sig were created by Martin Phipps.  
Authors are only allowed one LNHer each.  Those are the rules.:>

"But Van Hel.sig hasn't decided yet if he wants to join the LNH.  Maybe 
Buxom can join instead."

"And what if I don't want to join your group?" Buxom asked.

"Hold on!" Van Hel.sig asked.  "We're both vampire slayers by profession.  
If anything happens to me, then Buxom could take my place as a member of the 

"So you are going to join?" Kid Kicked Out asked.

"I'm just trying to be helpful," Van Hel.sig asked.

"Well, alright," Buxom said.  "I can help out too.  If you guys need any 
help, just let me know."

"That means we would have to have your phone number!" Kid Kicked Out said.

"Look me in the eye while you say that," Buxom said, "because I don't 
tolerate sexual harrasment in the workplace!"

"Right.  Sorry."  Kid Kicked Out raised his head.

"Buxom!" Van Hel.sig said.  "You said you could help us find Rec.ula."

"Indeed," Buxom said.  "In fact, I suspect these two vampires were sent by 
Rec.ula himself because he didn't want me to tell you--"

Just then, a portal opened up behind her, knocking her off balance and 
cutting her off mid sentence.  Dazed, she was easily captutred by Rec.ula, 
himself, as he emerged from said portal.

"You thought you could find me!" Rec.ula said.  "Well, maybe you could have, 
with Buxom's help!  So I will take Buxom with me!  Try to follow!  Ha ha ha 
ha!"  Rec.ula dragged Buxom into the still open portal behind them.  The 
portal closed.  It all happened too quickly for either of our heroes to 

"Damn!" Van Hel.sig swore.  "What now?"

Kid Kicked Out looked down at his feet.  "I'm sorry.  I wasn't much help.  
Now Buxom has been taken by your greatest enemy and will probably be 

"Thanks for the pep talk!"

<:If I might make a suggestion:> the New LNH Member Detector said, <:You can 
try building yourself an LNH HQ.:>

"What good would that do?" Kid Kicked Out asked.

<:Your LNH HQ will have state of the art monitoring equipment.  Perhaps you 
will be able to determine where Rec.ula has taken her.:>

"It's worth a try," Van Hel.sig said.  "Where is this LNH HQ?"

<:There is no LNH HQ yet:> the New LNH Member Detector explained.  <:You 
will have to plant a moist LNH HQ pill in the ground and wait for the HQ to 

"You've got to be sh*tting me!"

"It's not.  See?"  Kid Kicked Out showed Van Hel.sig the bottle of LNH HQ 
pills.  Van Hel.sig read the label on the bottle.  It said:

"Instructions for using LNHQ Pills:
"1. Plant a LNHQ Pill firmly into the ground.
"2. Add water.
"3. Run like hell.
"4. Enjoy your brand new LNHQ."

"I still say you're sh*tting me."

"It's worth a try," Kid Kicked Out said.

"Alright," Van Hel.sig said.  "Let's go to Centr.alt Park.  We'll drop one 
of these pills in a puddle and see what happens."

YYYYYYYYYYY         Looniverse Y         YYYYYYYYYY

A couple of hours later, Kid Kicked Out had scanned all of Looiearth for 
Rec.ula and/or Buxom and hadn't found a trace of either.

"It's like they've dropped off the face of Looniearth," Kid Kicked Out said 
in frustration.

"Maybe they have," Van Hel.sig mused.

"So should I try scanning Mars?" Kid Kicked Out asked.

"No," Van Hel.sig said.  "They may have gone to another dimension.  They did 
disappear through a portal, remember?  Ask your New LNH Member detector if 
we can scan other dimensions."

<:I'm afraid the equipment we have here cannot scan other dimensions.:>


<:But your LNH HQ is a nexus of realities.  In the Seige Dangerous room 
there is a Seige Dangerous which can take you to any and all dimensions in 
the Multi-looniverse.:>

"But without being able to scan the different dimensions, how can we find 

<:Well, the author does want to wrap up this storyline in one issue so he 
can get it over with and post issues 3 and 4 which he's already written, so 
there's a good chance the Siege Dangerous will take you right to them.:>

"Excellent!" Van Hel.sig said.  "Let's go!"

YYYYYYYYYYY         Looniverse Y         YYYYYYYYYY

"Ha ha ha ha!" Rec.ula laughed.  He held Buxom prisoner in his castle.  "You 
shall stay here and be my bride!  Ha ha ha ha!"

"I don't think so!" Buxom said.  "My friends will come here for me!"

"Ha ha ha ha!" Rec.ula laughed.  "How can they when they can't even find 

"We're already here!" Van Hel.sig said as he fired arrows into Rec.ula's 
chest.  Rec.ula just pulled them out and continued laughing.

"How could this be?" Van Hel.sig asked.  "You're a vampire!  You're supposed 
to crumble to dust when my arrows hit you!"

"Fool!" Rec.ula said.  "I am no ordinary vampire!  I am the leader of 
vampires!  You cannot kill me with arrows!  There is but one way to 
challenge me!"  Rec.ula took off his shirt to reveal a dragon shaped tatoo 
on his chest.  His voice became loud, booming, dramatic and low pitched.  

"Um, Kid Kicked Out, by any chance does your code name refer to martial arts 
abilities?" Van Hel.sig asked.


"Then we'd better get out of here.  Any ideas?"

"We could click our heels together and say 'There's no place like home.'"

"I'm serious."

"Me too."  Kid Kicked Out started clicking his heels together.  "There's no 
place like home.  There's no place like home."

"This is silly."

"That's exactly what is going to make it work.  There's no place like home.  
There's no place like home."

Buxom started clicking her heels together too.  "There's no place like home. 
  There's no place like home."

"Stop that!" Rec.ula demanded.  "Stop that now!"

"Well, if the big bad vampire doesn't like it," Van Hel.sig reasoned, "then 
it must be a good idea after all."  He started clicking his heels together 
too.  "There's no place like home.  There's no place like home."

With all three of them saying "There's no place like home.  There's no place 
like home." Rec.ula's castle began to disappear and they found themselves 
back in LNH HQ.

"Well, what do you know," Kid Kicked Out said.  "It worked!"

"Thanks to both of you for coming to rescue me!" Buxom said.

"Can we have your phone number now?" Kid Kicked Out

"Grrr," Buxom said.  "Only if you can remember to keep looking me in the 

"Right.  Sorry."

Just then, the New LNH Member started beeping again.  <:*BEEP* *BEEP*  Hey!  
People!  I'm beeping!  I'm detecting ­a new member of the LNH! *BEEP* 

NEXT TIME: Who is the new LNH member?  Is it some martial artist who will be 
able to face Rec.ula in Mortal Kombat?  Will Kid Kicked Out ever get Buxom's 
phone number?  Will he ever be able to stop looking at her breasts?  None of 
these questions will be answered next issue.

CREDITS: Kid Kicked Out, New LNH Member Detector, Master Root of All Evil, 
The Road Rager and Madam Middle Finger created by Arthur Spitzer.  Van 
Hel.sig, Buxom the Vampire Slayer and Rec.ula created by Martin Phipps.  
Siege Dangerous gag by wReam.


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