LNH: Was It All Just a Dream? was Re: [LNH] [META] Various and sundry commentitude

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Sat Jul 31 19:14:39 PDT 2004

Martin Phipps wrote:
>Seriously, the problem isn't the size of the LNH but the fact that the
>LNH Roster hasn't been updated since 1999.  It is a potential in joke
>in the making.  ("He's dead?  But the roster says 'usable with
>permission'."  "Well, sure, if you want to revive him I guess.")  That
>means that no character introduced since 1999 will be listed on the
>roster.  You can imagine the LNH to be as big as you like but
>officially it won't get any bigger (or smaller) than it was in 1999. 
>That's the problem.

Does that mean that "officially" the Ultimate Ninja isn't a member of
the LNH since he doesn't have a roster entry?  I guess he isn't
"officially" leader then either.  Perhaps every LNH story posted since
January 24, 1998 isn't "official" either.

Perhaps the last six years of LNH continuity were all just a dream.


The radio alarm clock buzzed.  Master Blaster slapped the snooze button 
with his hand.  It still kept buzzing.  Master Blaster hit it again with 
his fist.  It still kept buzzing.  Finally, Master Blaster grabbed the 
BIGGUN TM from under his bed and pointed it at the radio alarm clock.

"I know what you're thinking, Radio Alarm Clock.  You're thinking, 
there's no way he would incinerate his entire bedroom just to shut me 
off.  And you know what, Radio Alarm Clock?  You could be right.  
Perhaps I'm just bluffing.  I guess what you should ask yourself, Radio 
Alarm Clock is, 'Are you feeling lucky?'  Well, Radio Alarm Clock?  Are 
you feeling lucky?"

The radio alarm clock suddenly became very, very silent.

"Smart move."  Master Blaster yawned and rubbed his eyes.  Damn.  His 
brain felt like an out of control Marti Gras parade had trampled over 
it.  And his tongue felt like Don King's hair.  Christ, what happened 
last night?  Where was wReanna?  She was usually the one who woke him 
up.  Weird.  This bedroom.  This was his old bedroom at the LNHQ.  Why 
the hell was he here?  He must have been partying last night with Frats 
and Sarc.  Oh man.  It was Saturday.  He was supposed to take the kid to 
Tyke Tae Kwon Do.  Oh man.  wReanna was really going to kill him.

And then he noticed that someone was taking a shower in his bathroom.  
Oh God no.  wReanna was going to kill him and resurrect him again so she 
could kill him a second time.  What happened last night?  Boy, that must 
have been some party.  Wait!  Maybe it was wReanna?  Yeah!  Maybe she 
was taking a shower?  Please be wReanna!  Please be wReanna!

The water had stopped running.  Whoever it was, he could hear her 
coming.  Master Blaster closed his eyes.  Please be wReanna!

"Umm, Rob.  You're out of conditioner."

Master Blaster opened his eyes.  "Cheesecake Eater Lad!  Cheesecake 
Eater Lad!?"

Cheesecake Eater Lad stood in Master Blaster's bedroom slightly wet with 
only a towel wrapped around his waist.

"You're back!  But you were dead or kidnapped or something?  I can't 
remember.  I usually only read the LNH stories that have me in them.  
But something happened to you.  And you were missing!"

"Are you talking about that time Tom Russell killed me?"

"No!  This was after that.  This happened after you were married to 
aLLiterative Lass."

"Married?  To aLLiterative Lass?  Why would I be married to aLLiterative 

"Beats me.  I never figured that one out myself since she was way, way 
out of your league.  But it happened.  It happened the same day I was 
married to Sister State the Obvious."

"Rob?  Are you all right?  You were never married to Sister State the 

"Wait!  I think I understand what's going on here!" interrupted a voice.  
It was the voice of Dr. Stomper who had also come out of Master 
Blaster's bathroom and was also slightly wet with a towel wrapped around 
his waste.

"You see," continued Dr. Stomper, "What we have here I believe is 
something called the 'Dallas Effect'.  This usually only happens in TV 
series that have become creatively bankrupt.  But I think that the 
reason it's happening here is because of the nature of the relationship 
between the LNH Roster and the LNH stories.  You see, the LNH Roster 
hasn't been updated since January 24, 1998 and because of that every 
story since that time wasn't 'official'.  So because of the Dallas 
Effect, Cheesecake Eater Lad wasn't dead or kidnapped, he was just 
taking a shower.  The last six years of LNH continuity were just a 
dream.  Your dream, Master Blaster."

"Whoahh!  Just a dream?  I'm not married?  The last six years were just 
a dream?!!"

"Rob.  Think about it,"  Cheesecake Eater Lad interrupted.  "You of all 
people married?  I mean come on.  You Master Blaster married.  And 
married to Sister State the Obvious?  I mean, come on!"

"Yeah.  Have to admit, when you put it that way it doesn't sound very 
plausible.  Me, Master Blaster, married.  That does sound pretty funny.  
Can you see me being married?"

All three heroes had a big laugh at the thought of that.

"But the dream was so real!"  Master Blaster paused a bit trying to 
grasp everything.

"But it wasn't official.  That's what you have to remember."  Dr. 
Stomper pointed out.

"My God!  I'm not married.  I'm free!  Woo Hoo!!  I'm free.  I'm finally 
free.  I can feel my Mac Daddy Vibes returning!  For so long I was 
suffocating, but now I know what breathing feels like.  The grass looks 
greener and the birds sound singier.  It's like I've been born again a 
second time and everything is beautiful.  Everything's so beautiful.  
I'm free!  I'm free at last!  I just have to remember not to have sex 
with wReanna again.  Or at least PIV intercourse.  God.  I'm free.  
We're going to have to party.  Party like we've never partied before.  
Everyone!  You, me, Frats, Sarc, Kid Anarky, Parking Karma Kid and every 
chick in Net.ropolis.  Every single chick.  I've got a lot of party time 
to make up for."

"I'd like to join you," Dr. Stomper said, "But I have this special 
project I need to work on with Kid Kirby and Contraption Man.  But have 
fun Master Blaster."

But before he could do that Master Blaster had this strange feeling.  
Something was wrong.  There was something very wrong here.  "Wait!  Wait 
just one goddam sec!  There's something not quite right here.  What the 
hell were you two doing taking a shower in my bathroom!!  What the hell 
is going on here??"

"Easy there, Master Blaster,"  Dr. Stomper said with a calm expression 
on his face.  "What I think you're feeling right now is some after 
effect of the 'Dallas Effect'.  It's causing you to have feelings of 
paranoia.  But you have to remember that it was just a bad dream that 
you had and that you're awake right now.  You're safe, Master Blaster.  
You're safe and sound on good old Earth-Gay, Master Blaster.  
Everything's going to be fine."

"Wait!  Did you just say, Earth-Gay!??"

"Yes.  Earth-Gay.  Where you don't have to worry about males marrying 
females.  We've outlawed such godless perversion."

Eerie Twilight Zone music started to play in the background.  It was 
followed by a very, very, very loud, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Probably not to be continued.....

And probably to never ever be mentioned of again....

Arthur "Not official" Spitzer

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