LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #279: Electrocutioner's Song Part Two
Drew Nilium
pwerdna at gmail.com
Fri Mar 24 15:26:33 PDT 2023
On 3/19/23 5:16 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> First Off we have CRISIS OF INFINITE CLONES #1 by Dave Van Domelen!
> Wait! Is this Part Four?! What happened to Part Three?! And will
> wReam bomb Dave's dorm room because of it?!
I mean, circumstances indicate no. o3o
> Will Sig.Lad stiff his taxi driver out of a tip?!
*gasp* Never, Sig.Lad's a hero - unless this is the first step of his
transformation into Acton Lord! :o
> Will the Ultimate Ninja
> have no choice, but to kill all his teammates if they keep accusing
> him of being the traitor?!
Let's be honest, he was gonna do that anyway! It's a real time-saver...
> And is it time for Table and Chair to make
> all their LNH and LNV action figures go kissy kissy with each other?!!
D'awwww
> +-------------------------+ +----------------------------------------+
> |||/////||||\\\\\\\|||||||| | Memor-X, X-treme close-up of eye: |
> |///// oooo \\\\\\|||||| | |
> |//// oooo \\\\\\||||| | Oh ye of much detail and little |
> |||| ooo |||||||||| | detail! Hundreds of lines of art |
> |\\\\ //////||||| | and not a one for writing! You have |
> |\\\\\ //////|||||| | no identity yet possess all identities|
> |||\\\\\||||////////||||||| | but no character yet can assume any |
> |||||\\\\\\////////|||||||| | character! Oh ye of little face! |
> |-------------------^^^^^^| | And tiny heads! You rake in dough, |
> | \ ------------- | | for you are as pliable as it is. |
> | \ \ \ \ \ \ | +----------------------------------------+
> | \ \ \ \ \ \|
> | \ \ |
> +-------------------------+
This one's pretty good!
> A bane wind blows across the surface of a desolate world, a world that has
> seen empires fall and heroes die. A world you thought you'd never have to read
> about again except maybe in flashbacks in Sarcastic Lad's origin story.
> H'yyydde'uz. (Note the revisionist post-Beige Noon spelling!)
X3 ooooh ahhhhh
> In a shattered fortress, in a forgotten subbasement, in a poorly lit
> soundstage, there lay five dust-encrusted tubes. A faint light was blinking on
> one of them. That tube shook slightly. Then more heavily. Then cursing was
> heard from within. It sounded much like, "Stupid latch!" Suddenly a fist
> thrust up through the glass, a fist wearing a vaguely familiar looking
> glove....
GASP! :o
> No, he
> had fooled them all these years into thinking that any American-butchered
> Japanese artwork would render him helpless. In truth, only badly translated
> Manga and Robert DeJesus art could affect him.
Let me see... oh, yes, early Antarctic Press could be painful. X> From a quick
skim he seems to have gotten a lot better.
> "No...must...have...plot! Order MUST be maintained!" Taking advantage of
> the several panels of speedlines Manga Man was passing through, Plot King
> pulled out his Creative Writing Text, copyright 1913, before plots were deemed
> antideconstructionist and drew strength from it. Then the two paradoxical
> paradigms collided in something resembling a dialectic.
I feel like there's a lot of very odd politics here. X>
> Anyway, everyone alive (and
> most of the dead ones) was either A: fighting Marvel_Zombie Lad (or however its
> spelled now), B: searching for Sidekick Man, C: Investigating the mysterious
> goings on at City Hall or D: wondering if they were still dead from Seize
> Dangerous. <Insert quick kaleidoscope of quarter-page panels showing scenes
> from the previous three issues, including the one not written yet>
> "Are you done fulfilling your obligations to the other plotlines yet?"
> impatiently asked the mysterious figure.
> Yes. And stop talking to the narrator.
X3 I know that feeling
> "Sorry." The figure looked both ways then whispered, "say, can i
> introduce myself and open the other tubes yet?"
> No, we have to change scenes again.
> "Aw, sh..."
Oh nooooooo XD
> Sig.Lad grumbled an fished fifteen bucks out of his pockets. "Here."
> "What, no tip?"
> "NO. Not after you took that detour through Seize Dangerous and got me
> killed and zombified and whatever else happened. I don't wanna think about it.
> Now get outta here."
Well, okay, that's fair
> The cabbie grumbled and decided it was a damn good thing he overcharged
> that cheapskate "hero" by ten bucks.
On the other hand, also fair
> Sig.Lad caught some speed lines out of the corner of his eye, but when he
> turned to look they were gone. Oh well, he thought. He carefully avoided the
> blood left on the steps by Integrity Quest mob-members and rang the bell.
Wow, this is really well-tied-in to everything else that was going on. X>
> "Probably just Manga Man. I was just watching the security tapes showing
> him escaping. I didn't know there were manga about lockpicking and VCR
> reprogramming....
Or get your degree!
> "TOO LATE!" shouted an armored figure who had just popped up from nowhere
> (okay, he had been crouched behind a mailbox). He was dressed in armor that
> looked extremely dangerous...both to his foes and to himself when he tried to
> don it. All sorts of blades and spikes stuck out from it at odd angles, and
> little squares of toilet paper adorned most of the exposed areas of skin.
Oh, here's the actual Executioner's Song parody. X>
> He
> bore a Super Soaker 2000, which by extrapolation from the other Supersoakers
> was a squirtgun on the Liefeld scale.
They made one of those! And then stopped making it because it was too powerful! X>
> "Have you ever known what it was like to be denied a mother's love? Any
> mother's? Have you ever known what it was like to never suckle at a mother's
> breast, or even a girlfriend's? Have you ever needed to wear a diaper at age
> 34 because you never had loving parents to toilet train you?
Blah blah blah, join the kink community like everyone else
> "It's not what you *did*, it's what I will by fiat declare you will do to
> me in some alternate future which won't come to pass because of the events of
> this storyline something that will make me what I am today, which is a total
> loser!"
X3;;; Oh, 90s X-Men
> Sig.Lad spluttered, "Hey! They have laws against that sort of thing! At
> least, I think they do...isn't this really supposed to be a parody of Boston?"
> Sidewinder pondered, "No, I think it's supposed to be New York City...
It's New York City after dark, Boston during the daytime, Las Vegas at lunch and
Buenos Aires just after tea
> "I don't...euuurgh! Oop! Ack!" Sig.Lad collapsed in a goopy heap.
> "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The TransMode Virus works! Now his mutations will be
> so unstable that he will be vulnerable to the madness that eventually turns him
> into Acton LOOOOOOOF!" Sidewinder had rammed into Sufferyng at full speed.
I love that this actually turns out to be a huge plot point down the road. X3
> "OWSHARPYPAINOORTCH!" shouted the lacerated Sidewinder, who immediately
> digressed into alt.first.aid.
X3 X3 X3
> Sufferyng had meanwhile disappeared into thin air (oh alright, he crouched
> back down behind the mailbox if you *must* know).
XD
> The door opened and RosterwReam looked out. "Oh SH*T! I gotta save
> Sig.Lad! If he keeps mutating like this I'll *NEVER* get his entry finished!"
Oh, I know that one too
> Just then (HA! I bet you
> thought I was gonna say "suddenly"!)
I feel like this was one of my favorite jokes as a kid. X>
> "Nice going. You put him in Doc Stomper's Experimental Gene Scrambler and
> Random Teleporter," commented RwR.
> "What the hell would Doc Stomper be doing with one of those?"
> "I dunno, he's some kind of comicbook doctor.
If Sister State-the-Obvious had been around this never would've happened.
> +--------------------------+ +-------------------------+
> | | | ACTON LORD graces the |
> | /| | | Nonsense files... |
> | ##### / | | | |
> | */^V^\* / '| | | Following the law |
> | (< O O >) /_/_|cton | | that keeps you captive |
> | \\/^\// Lord | | makes your goals almost |
> | \#"#/ | | a paradox. You live |
> | ,---|###|----. | | for something you hope |
> | / +---+ / /\ | | not to achieve and then |
> || / \ A// \ | | what will you do when |
> ||\__/\o \ // | | | you have achieved it? |
> || || | \_^^^_| | | The mighty shall weep |
> |/\ || |o < |OOOO| > | | in the shadow of thy |
> | \/\ \ < ()--/| > | | mischief, but you shall |
> | / | |o |VVV/ | | fracture the final word.|
> | / \_\____\/\/ | | |
> |__________________________| |_________________________|
You know, this is actually pretty spot-on with this character's later arc.
> Ultimate Ninja looked around the room. The whiners and complainers
> the heroes of disorganization, the LNH had come for him. "I don't want to
> have to kill you again! Nooooo! How can you say that I am a traitor!?"
> "We know the truth! You must be destroyed or we will do it for you!"
> the LNH chanted in unisom.
Hmmmmmm *takes notes*
> Just then a laugh came from inside Ultimate Ninja's head. "We did it
> old friend. This time it is no trick! We have destroyed the LNH for good!"
> Ultimate Ninja ran to the mirror that had materialized as if on cue and
> looked in with horror. Inside he could hardly see himself. The image was
> super imposed with anothers. The other figure became more clear. The image of
> his arch nemesis and tormentor: ACTON LORD! The image dove from the mirror and
> shards of glass and silver flew from the image, not to mention other neat
> visual effects! Ultimate Ninja lurched backwards in horror and grabbed the
> image, arching his back flinging it in fear.
oooooooh, that's pretty good
> NNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> NNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> <Neat Splash Page (with no background I might add)>
XD XD XD Amazing
> "Sorry Typo Lad, I have been having no end to these nightmares lately."
> Ultimate Ninja said as sensitively as a ninja could (which doesn't sound too
> sincere, but he knew he was.)
X3
> Ultimate Ninja turned to Parking Karma Kid, CheeseCake-Eater Lad, and Cannon
> Fodder. "Now I have taken you three with me mainly because you three need
> all the training in the world and I am afraid that you aren't going to get it
> unless you come on some real missions."
Ohhhhh, this is where this starts. Neat! :>
> Just then in ohio a certain dorm room and building was incinerated by a
> thermo-Nuclear device. The casualties were catastrophic. The only
> hero/villain to die from it though was one who's initials were commonly known
> as DVD or more recently D"D"D... wReam grimaced sinisterly as the glow of the
> flames and destruction was broadcast on the news.
X3;;;;
> Table smiled and took Chair in his arms. "I have the perfect plan, my
> dear. Come with me." She had no choice since he was carrying her in his huge
> wooden arms.
D'awwww
> "Why, Table! They look like yours and my favorite LNH characters! And
> with these cards I will never forget how each character is special! They are
> so neat! Look honey!" she picked up the action figure of Rebell Yell and
> Lurking Girl and smiled. "Let's Go play doctor." She said holding up Rebell
> Yell's figure and saying in a deeper voice, then she held up Lurking Girl's
> figurine and said. "No! I think I like Ultimate Ninja better." Then grabbing
> the Ultimate Ninja figurine she said in a voice nothing like Ultimate Ninja's
> but she was guessin' ,since she's never heard it. "No I have no time for love
> I am a NINJA!"
XD XD XD ADORABLE.
> "My Villains Collection!" All sorts of tiny
> figurines were within. It had every imaginable villain in it.
> "Oh! Table!! Look! It's a little Acton Lord!" Chair bubbled with
> enthusiasm as she grabbed the Ultimate Ninja figure from the hero table and the
> Acton Lord figure from the villains and started to press them together as if
> they were attacking each other. Then she got bored and looked for something on
> the villain table, but she couldn't find it. "Where is your figure? Where is
> mine!?"
> "Don't you get it!? We will not become the overhyped scum that they
> will become!? While we rake in the bucks for this mess we will also be
> preparing to battle them, while all their egos get bigger and bigger!"
I do kind of love this plan. X>
> "Honey, I recognize all these villains here. Acton Lord, Y-Plex Burp,
> PlotChopper, Dr. KillFile, Crossover Queen, Defacto, and the Alt.ra fandom
> thingy do, but who is this guy?" Chair held up the figure of a metal plated
> priest like character. Table took the figure and held it up high.
> "My dear. Do you not recognize my old arch nemesis?" Table turned
> dramatically and naturally spouted the villains name on the last panel as to
> add an additional dramatic effect...
>
> "MR. MINISTER!!"
GASP!!
> "Rebel Yell! My dear friend! You have come to rescue me!" sang a
> chorus of Marvel Zombie Lads to Rebel Yell.
My god, they'll be the next hit boy band!
> "We go after the one responsible!" Rebel Yell declared confidently.
>
> The entire group present all said the same word...
>
> "TABLE!"
GASP!!
> Leaving really
> wasn't all that hard. It was really quite simple. In fact it wouldn't even be
> noteworthy except for that fact that some moron in episode #4 was going to use
> him when he was being used elsewhere, so this was simply politics.
Jeez, harsh much? X>;;;
> "You know we ought to turn SideKick Lad into a newt! That would teach
> him!" Occultism Kid fumed.
X3 Love this interpretation.
> "Do not worry PassionPot, they will never guess who is doing this. Why
> I have never had a bright idea in my life, its an act I have been doing since I
> was a young poplar. This plan cannot fail!"
Wait, what
> "I guess you're right. Besides we have already shipped to all the
> malls and toystores in the net.universe. I guess it's too late to back out
> now, huh?"
X3; Indeed
> "Yeah. All that's here is a cute little kitty." Cannon Fodder said.
> picking up the a snarled old cat with one eye.
> "Don't touch that Cat!" Ultimate Ninja said in an uptight cautious
> voice.
> "How could anyone suspect anything bad from a kitty like this."
> Cannon Fodder rubbed the cat on the head and instantly his body began flying
> apart. The cat in a flash of lightning had dismembered Cannon Fodder in all
> the right places. It then stood in the heap of Cannon Fodder and said "MEOW!"
heeheehee
Drew "there certainly is a lot going on here" Nilium
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