LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #296: The Flame Wars The Conclusion

[Arthur Spitzer]

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive 
once again.


And here's where you can find The Flame Wars as well as other
LNH Crossovers: 


https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Crossovers/






And here is the Conclusion of The Flame Wars by Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes!

Will Basic-Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude have to start juicing to get the most
out of the Celestial Club of Canseco?!  Is it time for Catalyst Lass
to murder Background Boy?!  And how will The Man Who Now Has A Leather 
Gauntlet Jewelled With the Insanity Gems tenure as Editor-In-Chief go?!!

Find out in...



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             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
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                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #295


                         =====================
                      The Flame Wars The Conclusion
                         =====================





                              CHAPTER SIX

                    by Drizzt (barnejd at wkuvx1.bitnet)

                       "Ye Merry Olde Conclusion"

  "All right," Background Boy said, climbing back down from the
window.  "I've alerted the others to be ready.  What do we do
now?"
  Basic-Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude smiled.  "I shall require a
diversion.  Perhaps you could arrange something...?"  He gestured
to the fire alarm.
  Background Boy nodded.  "Okay, I can do that.  Then what?"
  "Then the salvation of the Looniverse from that madman falls
upon my considerably massive shoulders," BMCD said.
  BB was unimpressed, thinking the cosmic dude could use some
humility.  "What are you going to do?  Sneak up on him silently
and then try to scare him into a heart attack?  That didn't work
on Aunt Comic-Relief, y'know.  I seriously doubt it'll work on a
guy with the Insanity Gauntlet."
  "No, such was not my plan.  I intend to use this."  From
somewhere on his person, he produced a glowing baseball bat.  He
tossed it to Background Boy, who looked at the inscription.
  "A Jose Canseco?  Tell me you didn't pay money for this."
  "Do not underestimate the power of the bat.  This is the
Celestial Club of Canseco."
  "Oh for the love of ... So you plan on sneaking up on him and
bashing his head in with this thing?"
  "Yes, that is my plan."
  Background Boy rolled his eyes. "How do you know he won't
detect you using his Insanity Gauntlet?  This guy isn't exactly
clueless, you know!"
  "I shall suppress my Kirlian aura. He will not sense my
presence."
  "If you say so," BB shrugged, leaving the metaphysical
ruminations and brilliant strategies to the experts. But in the
back of his mind, BB began formulating an escape route.
  "I shall need a modicum of time to get into place.  Can your
allies keep the villain occupied while I do so?"
  "I'll see."  Turning over his 'shhhh!' sign, BB went to work
with his magic marker again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

  "'Diversion?'"  Catalyst Lass read from the sign.  "What do you
think that little ferret wants us to do?"
  "Now, now," Politically Correct Person said, "we mustn't call
Background Boy names.  He's an amazing man, a mighty man, a man
of war.  He's a straight arrow."
  Catalyst Lass glowered at him. "Fine. He's a regular
super-soldier (tm). And after I get my hands on him, you can
carve that on his gravestone."
  "Can the chatter. I'm trying to think," Pocket Man said, also
gaining a piercing stare from Organic Lass.  "um, uh, that is...
I agree with you, Ori," he said, suddenly mindful of when his dog
got turned into glass. "I think he's just got an aura of evil
about him."  Then, beneath his breath, he mumbled, "Witch."
  "The man's a crooked arrow; if you shot him, he'd travel in an
arc," interjected PC Person, also suddenly mindful of his
midsection.
  "Such is the great question," Irony Man noted.  "Can we trust
Background Boy?"
  "By all that's eternal, man," Myk-El said, exasperated, "why
shouldn't we trust him?"
  "It may be because of that (all these allusions - good night!)
mask he wears," offered Squid Boy helpfully.
  "Whatever we decide, we'd best decide it quickly, mister. 
Monday was supposed to be when this was finished; we're already a
day late," remarked Organic Lass.
  "Yeah.  Let Pocket Man think," said Bad-Timing Boy, gaining
confused looks from his fellow LNHers, who were rapidly growing
impatient with the so-called rescue.
  "I need some air, man," panted California Kid.
  "I never knew you were a claustrophobe," Doctor Stomper said.
  "Listen, pal, I've never looked at another guy in my life!"
  "I think it's the fact that he's been giving the eye to
Catalyst Lass again that's making him hot under the collar,"
snickered Entropy Kid.
  "Ooooh, and the Sardonic one slams the surfer dude a good one,"
thought the gagged Sarcastic Lad. "The kid is toast!"
  "Enough!" Obscure Trivia Lad said emphatically.  "Obscure
Trivia Lad has a plan."
  "Really?  Let's hear it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

  "He could do it," Parking Karma Kid said.
  "Could not," Squid Lad refuted adamantly.
  "Could, too."
  "Could not."
  "Too."
  "Not."
  "Too! Too! Too!"
  "Not! Not! Not!"
  "TOO!!!"
  "NOT!!!"
  "Could not what?" The Man Who Now Has A Leather Gauntlet
Jewelled With the Insanity Gems asked, their persistent argument
having distracted him from monitoring his Lethal Lawyer clones.
  "Oh, hi. Nothing, mister TMWNHALGJWTIG, sir, nothing at all,"
PK Kid said.
  "Withhold information from me at your peril, young one," he
demanded, the Insanity Gems glittering warningly.
  "Okay, okay," PK Kid acceded.  "I just told Squid Boy here that
you were more powerful than the Editors, but he doesn't believe
me."
  "Oh?  And what causes your comrade's lapse in logic?"
  "Because," Squid Boy spoke up, "you confine yourself to a puny
physical form.  If you were more powerful than they, you'd make
your spirit become one with the Looniverse, you'd transcend this
mortal shell."
  "So be it!"  A wind whipped up from nowhere.  "I shall PROVE my
absolute power to you!!"  Lighting flashed across the skies of
Manonegro, and thunder rolled.  "I shall become..."

                      "EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!!"

  The Insanity Gauntlet lit up with a blinding light, dazzling
the LNH and forcing them to shield their eyes with their hands. 
When it faded, they could see a ghostly image rise from
TMWNHALGJWTIG's body.
  "Yes," a voice in their heads roared, "I have touched the
infinite..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

  This fact did not go unnoticed.  Background Boy peered through
the open window, noticing the phantom emerge from TMWNHALGJWTIG. 
He saw Basic-Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude scuttle from the shadows,
moving into place, his bat at the ready, and knew it was time.
  Time for him to play his part.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

  BMCD stood behind his foe's form, waiting for the right moment. 
In order for the Celestial Club of Canseco to work, the villain's
spirit would have to reenter his body.  The Dude counted on
Background Boy's actions to provide enough of a disturbance to
draw his soul back.
  Then the fire alarm went off.
  The room exploded in a flurry of anarchy.  Technicians ran
around like headless chickens, bouncing off consoles, walls and
each other. The more practical-minded guards ran directly for the
exits.  In seconds, the room was empty.
  TMWNHALGJWTIG snapped to, the glazed look of one who has just
achieved omnipotence disappearing from his eyes. 
Basic-Mysterious- Cosmic-Dude swung with all his might, solidly
connecting with his target.  The villain, stunned, crumpled to
the floor as BMCD took the Gauntlet from him and placed it upon
his own hand.
  "Look, evil one, as I undo what your wickedness has wrought." 
He snapped his fingers.
  Suddenly the missing Legionnaires appeared from nowhere.  All
but Continuity Champ appeared dazed and confused.  CC, though,
acted as if he knew all that had transpired in his absence.  He
fixed Basic-Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude with a steely glare.
  Organic Lass suddenly noticed the restraints holding her were
gone.  She looked up to see Background Boy crawling in the
window.  He leapt from the sill onto the floor, then ambled over
to the LNH.
  "Background Boy!  You saved us!"  Organic Lass started toward
the hero, meaning to reward him with a hug.  However, he stopped
her with a silently outstretched arm  Reaching up, the enigmatic
LNHer removed his mask to reveal...
  "REBEL YELL!?!"
  The Southern Sentinel smiled grimly (something he had perfected
since Lurking Girl's departure).  "Of course.  Background Boy
always has been an LNHer in disguise; surely you didn't think
he'd really taken on an identity of his own, did you?"  He looked
meaningfully at List Lad and RosterwReam.
  "I don't understand this," Organic Lass said, turning to Pocket
Man at her side, who was staring into her eyes with the look of a
lost puppy on his face. "If that's Rebel Yell, and *that's* Rebel
Yell ... Pok? ... Are you okay?"
  "Huh? What?" said a suddenly jolted back to reality Pocket Man.
"Oh, sorry Organic Lass. I was ... thinking. What did you say?"
  "Oh, nothing. Never mind," Organic Lass said smiling.
  Again Pocket Man fell into a prolonged stare at the Mistress of
Things Organic, stifling a deep sigh.
  "But we still don't know who this dude is!" Fuzzy said,
motioning toward the imposter Rebel Yell, who looked up
disinterestedly.
  "That's Charlie Risk, the Living Decoy.  Y'all didn't know it,
but I had a dream warning me something awful was going to happen
to me. So I hired Chuck here to take my place."
  "Yeah," the false Yell said, ripping off his latex mask, "but
there wasn't nothin' in the contract about being disintegrated by
cosmic menaces!"
  As Rebel Yell dealt with Risk, the vanquished villain struggled
to his feet. No longer was he the possessor of the Black Hat.  No
longer was he the owner of the Insanity Gauntlet.  He was just
Norbert Budge, devoid of devices, but still nefarious.
  He shouted to be heard over the din.  "Excuse me!"  Everyone
fell silent and looked at The Man Who Used To Have A Leather
Gauntlet Jewelled With The Insanity Gems.  "Thank you.  I thought
you'd all like to know I'll never be taken alive by such as you,
so I've activated a self-destruct device that will detonate a
thermonuclear explosion of a one mile radius."
  "Self-destruct device?  Ha!"  Old Comics Man laughed.  "When I
was your age, sonny, there wasn't any of this villain killing
himself, nosirree. They took their lumps, then got hauled away
swearing revenge.  Then, a few months later, they broke out of
jail and it started all over again.  Why, I remember one time -"
  Inaccoustic Lad silently sighed, then used his powers to cut
off the old codger's ramblings.
  "Thanks, IL.  He's got a point, though," Doctor Stomper said. 
"You're just not the type to commit suicide.  At least, not since
_Weasel-News_ was established."
  The Man smiled widely.  "I know that. But it has bought me
enough time for my personal teleporter to engage."  His body
began to shimmer.  "Mark my words, LNH - I'll be back."  He
vanished in sparkles that didn't look anything at all like the
transporter sequence from any Star Trek(tm) program or movie.
  The silence was soon broken up by a thousand different voices,
some arguing, some flirting, some welcoming, some congratulating. 

In the midst of the turmoil, Continuity Champ spoke to BMCD. 

"So," he said, his voice laden in venom, "I see you're still
attracted to cosmic events."  His dislike for his rival was
apparent, despite the innocuousness of his remark.
  "I had hoped we could let bygones be bygones," BMCD said. "But
I should have known better where you were concerned. Since when
have you allied yourself with heroes, Champion, herald of the
Dimension Destroyer?  Or have I just exposed your latest... what
is the word - 'scam'?"  He turned to the other LNHers.  "Beware
this one, Legion, for he brings death and destruction
wherever he goes."
  "I am no longer a herald of-"  CC started, before realizing he
had almost broken one of the rules of writing his own dialogue
properly.  He tactfully changed the subject.  "Do you really
believe any one man is worthy to possess power absolute?"
  The LNH grew silent, all eyes fixed on the Insanity Gauntlet. 
Finally, Marvel_Zombie Lad broke the silence.  "Absolute power? 
It's MINE!!!"
  The entire horde of heroes rushed toward Basic-Mysterious-
Cosmic-Dude, each intent upon becoming the supreme being in the
Looniverse.  The golden-skinned Gauntlet bearer sighed and waved
his hand.  Suddenly, the room was empty, save for himself, the
Champ, Rebel Yell (the *real* RY), and the Ultimate Ninja.
  "Where did you send them?" UN queried suspiciously.
  "Back to the ruins your headquarters.  I also disposed of the
Lethal Lawyer clones; I sent them to a place they can be put to
use - the Clinton White House."  He smiled.  "They'll be no
tribble at all there."
  "I wished to speak with the three of you alone."  His
golden-hued face grew even more serious than usual.  "Dark times
face your team.  I fear the future bodes ill for the LNH, and for
each of you."
  "Ultimate Ninja, you must learn to persevere and lead the LNH
wisely.  You must learn humanity and humility, to use brains over
brawn - in short, you must develop characterization.  You will
have to make difficult choices in the days ahead.  The right
choice may cost you much, but the wrong choices will mean the
lives of all your allies."
  He turned to Rebel Yell.  "I know the turmoil in your heart, my
son.  You shall face much personal angst in the time to come. 
Times of your deepest soul-searching, loneliness, and misery. You
will believe yourself betrayed by the one who is closest to your
heart. And you will cause needless harm to an ally. But remember
-- it is always darkest before the dawn."
  Basic-Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude finally reached Continuity Champ. 
"And you, my old...friend," he said, then paused, as if carefully
weighing his words.  "You face the darkest days of all ahead." 
He shook his head, but said no more of CC's future.
  He waved away their further questions.  "I have said all that I
dare.  I only wished you to be aware of what the future holds for
each of you, to be able to prepare yourselves.  Now, I shall send
you to join the others."  He snapped his fingers, and suddenly
the heroic trio were back at the ruins of the LNHQ.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

  While the others celebrated the return of the missing
Legionnaires, Continuity Champ quietly slipped away.  Basic-
Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude's grim monologue had disturbed him, even
chilled him.  He pondered his rival's final words.  Perhaps most
curious was his final phrase, implanted directly into their minds
as he teleported them away.


  "Beware the coming of .... LOONITY!"

THE END?




==========

Next Week:  Back to some Panta Action!!!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer