LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #294: The Flame Wars Part Five

[Arthur Spitzer]

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive 
once again.


And here's where you can find The Flame Wars as well as other
LNH Crossovers: 


https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Crossovers/




And it's The Flame Wars Again!  (The first of a number of Flame Wars
Crossovers that are also called Flame Wars)!  

We have The Flame Wars #5 by Gary "Saint" St. Lawrence!  Will we find
out that Sarcastic Lad's name isn't Stupid-Rookie-Who-Don't-Know-Diddley
Lad?!  Will we find out what you call a man who had a black hat, but
doesn't have that black hat?!  And will we finally see what madness
Five (Nono SIX!!!!!!) Insanity Gems can cause?!!

Find out in...



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             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                 ||
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #294


                         =====================
                       The Flame Wars Part Five
                         =====================




                            CHAPTER FIVE

                by Saint (lawrence at olympus.ctron.com)

                       "Running the Gauntlet"

  The LNH cruiser, somewhat battered from a hasty jaunt through
Net.Hyperspace and having finished an awesome battle in some
crossover that hasn't been written yet, entered the solar system
surrounding the planet Manonegro, following a lead which a number
of LNHers believe is the key to ending the horrors of the
Insanity Gems, while a few (those who haven't noticed how long
this sentence is getting) believe they are flying headlong into a
trap.
  "Shut down the hyperdrive," commanded Organic Lass, piloting
the
cruiser into a distant orbit around Manonegro. "Sarcastic Lad?
Give me a scan on the planet. Set the scanners for any of the
Insanity Gems. Their radiation should give you some pretty
specific readings."
  "Like I wouldn't be able to figure THAT out?" Sarcastic Lad
retorted.  "My name's not Stupid-Rookie-Who-Don't-Know-Diddley
Lad, y'know."
  "Fine. Just do the scan, will you," Organic Lass said,
impatient
with the apparent disappearance of Rebel Yell, the tension of
battle, and the fact that she hadn't seen a curling iron in days.
  "You aren't gonna believe this," Sarc said. "You wanted the
gems? You got `em, all five of `em."
  "Six, Sarcastic Lad," added Politically Correct Person. "There
are six gems. You said five."
  "Okay, math boy. Six!" Sarc snapped. "You gonna correct my
posture next?"
  Organic Lass, maintaining her composure (and still looking
hotter
than Rogue in the SI issue, despite days of combat), ordered the
LNHers to battle stations, expecting an attack from whomever was
hoarding the Insanity Gems.
  Entering the planet's atmosphere, a message was signalled to
the
cruiser from the surface. It read, "Welcome to Manonegro, LNH.
Meet me at the dock. A past acquaintance."
  "Everybody be on your guard," warned Allusion Lad. "Remember
what happened the *last* time we messed with *one* of the gems.
Tom and Huck didn't have that many problems with Injun Joe!"
  "YEAH! EVERYONE BE ON YOUR TOES," chimed in CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE.
  The cruiser landed at the space dock effortlessly, as Organic
Lass helmed the ship to a feather touch. Deboarding the cruiser,
several LNHers gathered on the ground, eyeing their surroundings.
  "Smoke `em if ya got `em," quipped Sarcastic Lad.
  "Smoking's a filthy habit, you know," said PC Person. "And must
you do it around me so I have to breathe in your passive smoke?
That's rude."
  "Put a sock in it, Tipper boy," Sarcastic Lad said, lighting a
rough-hewn, Clint Eastwood-like cigarillo.
  As the net.heroes stood near the cruiser, noting the
differences
in Manonegro's architecture, vehicles and designs from
Net.Earth's and those of A.C.LNH, a lone figure, clad in a large
matte black overcoat approached them.
  "Greetings LNHers. I trust your trip was comfortable," said the
mysterious figure, beginning to remove the large fedora and
overcoat to reveal an expensive Schnooks Brothers suit beneath.
  "Holy Frejoles!" exclaimed Bibliography Boy. "It's The Man With
The Black Hat, who hasn't been seen since TALES OF THE LNH #186,
preceded by LNH Quarterly #24, The LNH #57-61, Well-Dressed
Comics #4 and (adjectiveless) LNH #5! What's HE doing here?"
  "Don't sweat this guy," said Sarcastic Lad calmly. "Without
that
hat of his, he's about as dangerous as a paper cut."
  "Quite true, hero, although I don't recall you being amongst
the
ranks of the LNH during that tragic encounter. I see, Organic
Lass, that your group has grown since last we met. For their
benefit, I shall recap those events."
  The Man With (up until recently) The Black Hat began to tell of
the epic battle which preceded his capture in TotLNH #186. He
told of the arduous effort he had put into his scheme to conquer
the galaxy by means of the wondrous and villainous powers given
him by the Black Hat. He told of the monumentous, four-color,
duo-tone paper, 48-page battle between his forces and the
then-aspiring heroes. He told of the tragic losses on both sides
of the fight, his men routed, his headquarters demolished and his
suit torn nearly to the point of ill-repair by even the most
talented tailor in the cosmos - Stitchentyme Man, who at the
time, was having a 9% off all mendings sale.
  THW(uur)TBH told of the devastation, land loss, destruction of
housing and public utilities, and the utter crushing of Moe's
Frozen Yogurt Stand (which, unfortunately, had not been insured
for such damage because of the "covers everything except that
caused by violent rampages by hell-bent megalomaniacs on a
galaxy-conquering scheme" clause that appeared in tiny print
under a black light when run under lemon juice).
  He told of how a small band of LNHers, mustering the last ergs
of
their strength and power, was able to take his power-giving hat
away, stripping him of his abilities and reverting him to Norbert
Budge, an unemployed sub-accountant with bad breath and flat
feet, his alter ego who had accidently stumbled across the
wondrous Black Hat one day while cleaning his septic system.
  Nudging California Kid, Irony Man said, "Isn't it ironic that
he can say all this in one breath?"
  "How would I know?" California Kid said. "I won't even get to
read this story until Dec. 11! I'm still trying to figure out
what happened to Flatulence Lad!"
  "Alright, Hat guy," said Sarcastic Lad, "whatja do with our
guys?
What's yer scheme this time?"
  "Scheme? I'm afraid you have me at a loss, my boy," the
ex-MWTBH
said. "It's quite clear that some of your comrades simply DO NOT
EXIST anymore! Bwu-hah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h..ack, cough,
spitter, cough cough!  {excuse me, I have a bit of a cold.}"
  Looking to the reader, Doctor Stomper said, with a look of
boredom, "Well, it's obvious that the guy had figured out a way
to put away Reb, Kid Kirby, Cannon Fodder, List Lad, Roster
wReam, the Champ and Ultimate Ninja. Apparently, he has somehow
made them disappear with 10 percent of the Looniverse and now we,
as the remaining LNHers, must figure out a way to not only stop
him, but retrieve our comrades as well."
  "How do you know all that?" asked Pocket Man.
  "Shhhhhhhhh," said the Doc. "Sub-titles."
  "Ohhhh," said Pocket Man, looking confused.
  Suddenly, even though he had no hat (seeing as how Rebel Yell
has it locked away in a sub-sub-sub-basement vault in a safe-box
inside three other safe-boxes and wrapped in plain brown paper
marked "kitchen utensils"), the Man Who Now Has A Leather
Gauntlet Jewelled With The Insanity Gems (TMWNHALGJWTIG for
short) pulled his right arm from behind his back, where he'd been
keeping it throughout the conversation unknown to the heroes. On
his hand was the gauntlet (as readily described in his name)
which was inset with the five (SIX) Insanity Gems: The Crossover
Gem, The Cover Gimmick Gem, the Guest Star Gem, the Mystery Past
Gem, the Death Gem, and the Origin Gem.
  Using a yellow glowing ray stolen from Guy Gardner via the
Cross-
over Gem, TMWNHALGJWTIG encased the entire group of heroes in a
beam which sectioned off into more than three dozen straight
jackets with mouth-gags attached (to compensate for the heroes
with oral powers such as Sarcastic Lad and Sing-Along Lass -
Explanatory Saint).
  Powerless to combat the sudden and unexpected attack, the
LNHers were quickly caught and caged by TMWNHALGJWTIG and
returned to his hideout, which came complete with the slanted
floor to show how crooked he was.
  Sitting atop a throne created by the Cover Gimmick Gem,
TMWNHALGJWTIG began to lead into a full explanation of how he now
intended to conquer not only the cosmos, but the entire expanse
of the Looniverse, or at least the 90 percent which still
remained.
  "I'll just bet he's going to go retrospective on us," said
Marvel_Zombie Lad, "just like every villain ever conceived in the
Marvel Universe.  You watch, the air's going to get all wavy ..."
  "I hate it when it does this," said Trivia King.

  TMWNHALGJWTIG began recounting the events which led to his
assumption of the Insanity Gems. He spoke briefly of how he found
the first of the gems impossibly attached to the copy of Eclipso:
The Darkness Within #1.  He told of how he had manipulated the
Collector and the Speculator into gathering two of the gems for
him, saving him the trouble, inconvenience and use of his
frequent flyer miles.  He told of how he found one for sale in a
jewelry shop in the mall.  He expounded the story of how he took
the Crossover Gem from Marvel_Zombie Lad back when he was known
as Marvel Zombie Boy/Crossover Caretaker.  He told of how he
braved the Endless depths to gain the Death Gem.  At last, he
finished.
  "Now I have them all and with the Insanity Gauntlet, I'm going
to RULE THE LOONIVERSE!!!" TMWNHALGJWTIG said in stereotypical
evil
maniac fashion. "Even now, my invincible hoard of Lethal Lawyer
Clones are being programmed to execute the final chapter of my
grand scheme!  And the Legion of Net.Heroes is powerless to stop
me!  Soon I will be the undisputed *legal* owner of the
possessions of 10 percent of the entire Looniverse!  Gold! 
Silver!  Anything signed by anybody even remotely connected with
Image Comics! Soon it will all be MINE!!!"  With that, he left
the room.
  "See? I toldja he was gonna do a flashback,' said MZL.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

  TMWNHALGJWTIG sauntered confidently down a corridor to the
laboratory where the Lethal Lawyer Clones were being programmed. 
Hovering above his head, following him in true perspective down
the hall, were the letters forming traditional super-villain
laughter, all in bright orange capital letters with white and
black outlines.

  "Britannica!" boomed TMWNHALGJWTIG to one of his minions. "How
are the LLCs coming? We have a schedule to maintain!"
  "Yes, Lord TMWNAHGLJWTIG," the technician said.
  "That's TMWNHALGJWTIG! Say it wrong at your peril next time!"
          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  "Yes, Lord. Sorry, Lord," the technician said cowering. Then to
himself he muttered, "Hoo hoo, one a' these days, boy, bang
ZOOM!"
  "I want those LLCs ready to claim 10 percent of the Looniverse
for me before midnight! Is that clear, technician? Or will I be
in need of yet *another* replacement technician by a minute after
midnight?"
  "No,m'Lord, not that! They will be ready!" the technician said. 
Then mumbled, in a shrill sarcastic mocking tone, "I want this! I
want that! Hooboy, these universe-conquering villains are a pain.
Next he's going to tell me he wants Hassenpfeffer for dinner!"
  "COOK! COOK!" exclaimed TMWNHALGJWTIG. "Where's my lunch?!?!!"
  "I knew it. These super villains are all alike," Britannica
said, looking disgustedly at the reader. "I gotta get a new line
of work."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
  From within the LNH cruiser, which was now being stored in a
locked hanger next to the shuttles TMWNHALGJWTIG's henchmen used
in their evildoing, Background Boy peered out of the small,
closet-like room with a crescent marked on the door. Having not
been captured by TMWNHALGJWTIG, he'd been monitoring the events
of his teammates' capture on his communicator, tuned in to the
room where the LNH was being held by hooking into Cliche Dude's
similar device.
  "Good thing Cliche Dude thought of all those Star Trek
episodes," BB said. "I'd have never thought of something as ...
clever ... as this.  Now the only problem I have is figuring out
how I'm going to save the entire LNH from a maniac who is
powerful enough to capture them all, all at once! I wish I'd paid
more attention in Rescue Against Impossible Odds Class at the
academy! I don't stand a chance by myself."
  Suddenly a shimmering figure appeared in the seating area of
the cruiser, slowly taking on a humanoid form, except for the
figure's face being inexplicably shrouded in shadows, despite the
abundant lighting in the cruiser hold.
  Background Boy crept back into the small room and watched the
figure materialize through the crescent mark in the door.
  When the glow faded, there stood an heroic-looking character in
a sparkling black costume with gold stars shimmering within it.
The figure looked directly at Background Boy, through the door
and spoke.
  "You may come out, Background Boy," the figure said in a deep
resonant voice unlike any ever used in a Marvel television
cartoon.  "I have come to aid you in rescuing the Legion of
Net.Heroes. Their part in this crisis is far from over."
  Peeking his head around the thin, aluminum-sided door,
Background Boy said, "Who ... who ARE you?"
  "I am the Basic-Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude," the figure said. "That
is all you need know for the nonce, young one. But know that I am
here to save the Legion of Net.Heroes and defeat he who wields
the Insanity Gems. Their power is not for one so limited of
knowledge as he."
  "Yeah, you're one of those cosmic guys alright," said
Background Boy.  "You talk in that weird polite English and
you're wearing one of those star-motif costumes. Either you're
one of those star-guys, or Bill Blass has a new client."
  "You speak in riddles, my young friend,"
Basic-Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude said. "Let us be on to the task at
hand. Let us be the first to taste the fruits of victory over the
evil of The Man Who Now Has A Leather Gauntlet Jewelled With The
Insanity Gems."
  "Alright, but I have something to tell you first," Background
Boy said, loosening his mask.  "You see, I'm really an LNHer in
disguise.  My real name is..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

  In the huge, really-scientific looking chamber where
TMWNHALGJWTIG held the LNHers captive, TMWNHALGJWTIG was again
gloating about his scheme to enslave one-10th of the Looniverse,
much to the chagrin of the Net.Heroes who wanted nothing more
than a chance to battle the vile villain. Sarcastic Lad and
Sardonic Boy lay in chains, arduously struggling against the
power-gag which kept them silent. Sing-Along Lass quietly hummed
a tune to herself to maintain her calm.
  "You're not going to get away with this, you madman!" shouted
Organic Lass.
  "You have no more of a chance to succeed than Lex Luthor did
with his `liquid kryptonite' scheme way back in Action #174,"
barked Obscure Trivia Lad. "That stupid plan blew up in his face
and this one will blow up in yours! Just you wait and see! 
Obscure Trivia Lad knows!"
  "If I could reach one of my pockets, you wouldn't be so smug,"
hollered Pocket Man. "I could take you out with any one of the
devices I carry on me!"
  "Ah, the cries of the helpless. How musical," TMWNHALGJWTIG
said mockingly. "I'm sure that, were I foolish enough to give you
access to those devices, you might actually delay my plan for
perhaps *minutes!*  But I shall not be so foolish. You will all
remain locked away while I, with the greatest of ease, dominate
the Looniverse."
  "Grmm umph fmmm mm eerrmm mmum fum!" shouted Sarcastic Lad from
beneath his gag, only to be admonished by PC Person that foul
language was inacceptable, even in the throws of combat.
Sarcastic Lad angrily leered at PC Person who, quickly quieted
down upon seeing the rage in Sarcastic Lad's eyes.
  "And now ... ladies and gentlemen of the LNH," said
TMWNHALGJWTIG, "I give you my LETHAL LAWYER CLONES -- the agents
of my Looniversal Domination!!!"
  A seemingly endless row of well-dressed, GQ-looking men began
entering the room, followed by another row, and another. Soon,
the huge, really-scientific looking chamber began to overflow
with TMWNHALGJWTIG's army of Lethal Lawyer Clones, crowding the
LNHers who hung helplessly on the walls comprising the chamber.
  "These will be the agents of the Looniverse's downfall,
heroes," TMWNHALGJWTIG said, fearless of redundancy. "With these
fully licensed, practicing lawyers, I shall lay claim to
everything that isn't bolted down in this universe and a few
things that are! I will be a God! I will be Lord of all I survey!
I'll be richer than Ross Perot and three times as
smart!!!!!!!!!!"
  "So you plan on having the intelligence of a spring squash?"
quipped Old Comics Man. "Hah! You villains today, you're nothing
compared to the badguys I went up against in the good old days!
Why, a punk like you couldn't hold a candle to someone like Mr.
Mega-Almost-Everything or The Mauve Man! You're a piker, and
you're going down like a New England Patriots quarterback!"
  Sarcastic Lad and Sardonic Boy looked at Old Comics Man and
gave winks of approval and appreciation for the old geezer's
replication of their powers.
  "Enough of this impertinent babbling!" TMWNHALGJWTIG shouted.
"I have delayed my Looniversal conquest long enough! Technician!
Prepare to launch the LLCs!!!"
  "Well, we don't really *launch* them, sir," Britannica said,
only to be utterly vaporized instantly by a spectacular red and
orange ray blast (in the finest Walt Simonson style) from the
Death Gem.
  "Anyone else care to tell me what I can and cannot do?  Anybody
care to join Britannica?" the villain asked rhetorically. "Now
then, you there!  Technician #2! Prepare the LLCs!"
  The LNHers looked on in horror (that's what you said, Drizzt)
as hundreds of thousands of Lethal Lawyer Clones began to hum, a
hum which soon increased in volume to be recognized as
incognizant ramblings of "Party of the first part," "wherefores"
and "hitherto" and an occasional "I object." The sound became
nearly deafening and echoed through the huge, really-scientific
looking chamber resonantly.
  "And now my lordship of the Looniverse begins!!!!!!!"
TMWNHALGJWTIG raved, waving his hands about wildly, much like a
contestant on "Let's Make a Deal" would whenever Jay would bring
a box down the aisle. "Now, my hapless heroes, watch as the end
of all you know and hold dear begins!  Go my Lethal Lawyer
Clones! Go forth and claim for me what is MINE!!!!!!!!"
  Out of the corner of her eye, Catalyst Lass saw Background Boy,
high above the chamber in a conveniently open window.  He was
gesturing an "OK' sign and a "shhhh" sign. Panta looked to Pocket
Man, who hung in the stall beside her and motioned upward with
her eyes. Pocket Man looked up and saw BB and nodded that he
would try and pass on to the others that a rescue was underway.
  The army of Lethal Lawyer Clones marched, as all armies do, out
of the huge, really-scientific looking chamber, seemingly
unstoppable from their mad mission. The Man Who Now Has A Leather
Gauntlet Jewelled With The Insanity Gems laughed outrageously,
oblivious to the heroes outside the chamber ....


TO BE CONCLUDED...




==========

Next Week:  THE FLAME WARS CONCLUDES!!!!!!!!!!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer