LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #283: Electrocutioner's Song The Conclusion
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Apr 23 14:27:01 PDT 2023
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
And here's where you can find Electrocutioner's Song as well as other
LNH Crossovers:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Crossovers/
And its the final parts of -- The Electrocutioner's Song!
The Writers for this Crossover were:
Jef "The KaTeFan(tm)" Kolodziej
Todd "Scavenger" Kogutt
Dave "Dvandom" Van Domelen
and Raymond "wReam" Bingham
First Off we have Ultimate Ninja #3 by Raymond "wReam" Bingham
(Part Eleven)! Is it time for wReam to finally be edited by
Dvandom?! Is it time for the Ultimate Ninja accept that the
Z-Team aren't bad dudes?! And is it time for Sig.Lad to hang
for dear life and have spastic convulsions?!!
And Finally we have CRISIS OF INFINITE CLONES #3 by Dave "Dvandom"
Van Domelen (Part Twelve)! Will Sig.Lad have time to have a flash
back before he has his big battle with Acton Lord?! And is the
Keyboard indeed mightier than the sword?!! (I mean wouldn't want to
fight some guy who had sword with a keyboard -- but that's just me.)
Anyways, find out in...
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #283
=====================
Electrocutioner's Song The Conclusion
=====================
Electrocutioner's Song #11
"Deep and Special moments on the way to battle..."
by wReam...
edited by dvandom
* ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** *
************************************************************************
* * in the NonSense Fyles! *
* * *
* KID / * Ahhhh. Kid Anarky... You must think you have *
* ____/ |_ * something to do with this story, BUT YOU DON'T!*
* / / | \ * You're .sig looked like a trading card and *
* ___|_/_____|__|___ * since the comic was behind schedule you get the*
* / | | * Honor of being in this one! Feel the honor *
* / \______|_/ * and grovel at the gates of serendipity... *
*/ |NARKY! * (LNH 1992 (c) (well sortof)) *
************************************************************************
Due to the lack of character development in this series, and the incredible
gaps in continuity from the different writers, this writer has chosen to take
the next 100 pages and develop each character. To delve into their deepest
darkest fears and there most intimate feelings. To show that the LNH is just
not some menace fighting machine, destined to fight this and that forever. For
if all we do is fight, well then Ultimate Ninja will most definitely be the
most powerful of all the LNHers, cuz that is what Ninjas do best, at least in
the comics and cheesy movies...
Our scene opens as Lurking Girl has moved out onto the bridge of the
flying thingy overlooking space. A shooting star goes by, but Lurking Girl is
too enrapted in deep contemplation to even notice its splendor.
'Reb has been keeping something from me,' She thought sullenly. 'I don't
know how long I can continue this LNH life if I can't even trust my closest
friend.' Lurking Girl gazed out of the vehicle and a single tear is seen
streaming down her face. It glistened in the light of the ever-nearing moon.
She just let it run down her cheek, the air cooling it until it evaporated.
"Luri?" Rebel Yell entered the chamber with a question.
Lurking Girl quickly tried to wipe the tears away as she slowly turned to
face Rebel Yell. "Yes, Reb?"
"Have you been crying? Is there something wrong?" Rebel Yell asked.
'Of course I have you big dope! And gee, like you wouldn't be able to
guess that there was something wrong! You idiot! Its you!' Lurking Girl
thought in her head but only responded with, "Oh, I was a bit overwhelmed by
the scenery."
"It is quite amazing. Almost looks like a painting!" 'You dope! That
is because this is a comic book! Of course it looks like a painting!' Rebel
Yell mentally kicked himself. Something else was wrong but whenever he got
around Luri he would freeze up and all that came out was small talk. "Well I
just wondered, because you have been sort of distant lately." Rebel Yell then
retreated. That was as close to his true feelings as he was going to get and
he mentally flogged himself all the way down the hall to the transport quarters
of the great troop transport flying thingy.
In another part of the ship Ultimate Ninja was flogging himself. 'Dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. How could I be so dumb?' The Z-team encounter had
proven to the master of oriental mysticism that he was not as invulnerable as
he had believed. He had really botched that encounter. 'The Z-Team really
aren't even bad dudes, a bit maverick and misguided but no more than I am,'
Ultimate Ninja thought to himself.
'I must not let this bog me down,' Ultimate Ninja determined. 'We are
headed to the moon to stop Acton Lord once and for all. He has become too
powerful and well, someone has got to stop him.' Ultimate Ninja began to think
of all the battles he had had with Acton Lord. This time would be different.
Each time he had been out smarted, but this time UN was going to try something
Ninjas rarely showed in comics and cheesy shows... He was determined to use
his brains!
"So how did MT-M discover where Acton Lord's new hideout was?" Parking
Karma Kid said to BandWagon Chick.
"Oh he didn't. It was that new chick, ummm... Miss Multitask.
Aparently that is where MT-M Transmatted her from. She then told him of Acton
Lord's deceptive plan." BandWagon Chick then frowned. "It's too bad he sent
Taskani back to the future. There just aren't enough women on the LNH."
"Yeah!" Parking Karma Kid smiled greedily. BandWagon Chick slugged
him one in the arm. The entire transport vehicle lurched in space. A chorus
of "Whoa!"s could be heard from the internal areas of the vehicle.
"You know it is taking a lot longer to get to the moon then usual."
Parking Karma Kid observed. "Yeah, I think it is because the writer is trying
for more character development."
Parking Karma Kid nodded his head. "Yeah, well, we aren't just fighting
machines, right?"
* * * * *
wReamed Acton Lord brooded at the past. Something awfully weird was in
the air. Maybe it was the effects of Bambi's drugs. Somthing bad is going to
happen soon, he could just tell. Gee, and Bambi seemed so real. wRAL pouted
sadly. He could never get relationships to work out.
"Ummmm. There is a big troop ship coming in close," Girl Next Door
(tm) reported.
'Perhaps a relationship with her? Nah, relationships never work out
with the Girl Next Door (tm),' thought Acton Lord. 'I had best get ready for
the assault. Life stinks. I hate this life.'
Then a thought popped into his head. 'What the heck is Prime Clone Acton
Lord doing? I mean this is my manor and that was my stuff back there and Dang
it all! He was using it for something!'
"I gotta go check on something." wRAL told GND(tm). She just smirked
as he walked away. 'He's probably afraid! Well the NLF doesn't need him
anyway!'
* * * * *
Meanwhile in LNHospital the hero Sig.Lad was hanging on for dear life.
He was going into spastic convulsions and all the heroes that looked on could
do is look on with helplessness. RosterwReam and MT-M tried to hold him down
but he was so unstable that there was little hope.
"We're losing him, aren't we?" RosterwReam said in a panic to Dr.
Stomper.
"Yeah, and I have never encountered this type of ailment." Dr. Stomper
tried to act professional but he had no idea what to do. "And with Sig.Lad's
already unstable genetic nature, saving him is already a lost cause."
"WHAT ABOUT THE SPAGHETTI-O'S?" asked PLOT-KING.
"They only tend to make him more mutable anymore." Dr. Stomper said
grimly.
"Well I refuse to believe there isn't a way to save him!" RosterwReam
ran from the room in a tantrum of emotion. He had to stay here and look over
the wounded, when he should be doing something to help! He didn't want to do
the Roster, but List Lad INSISTED! It was too much. RosterwReam ran to the
main computer room. MultiTask Man had been over the calculations time and time
again, but maybe something was missing. RosterwReam looked at the Roster he
had put on disk and pouted. It is too large. Maybe one less member won't
hurt. He thought. How can I think that! RosterwReam looked at the names.
Hey! Contraption Man is back on the Roster? I thought he returned to
the future... Maybe he knows the answer! He is from the future! They tend to
know more.
Another pulse of the GUI transfer display blitted across the computer
screen. What is that uplink to DrizztSat doing? RosterwReam noticed, but then
it was gone and RwR had to think of how to get Contraption Man back.
He scanned the control panel for MT-M's time-transmatter and locked on
to Contraption Man's beam input code. Then turning the time allotment switch
to a few weeks he pushed the engage button. The room filled with a crackling
blue light and in the center an light grey image began to form. It was a very
confused Contraption Man.
"Hey! RosterwReam! I thought you would be calling me back soon."
Contraption Man smiled. "I wrote my name on the roster so that you would
summon me if you had figured out how to keep me alive in this dimension. Now I
come to find out, after reading the rest of LNH ES #10 that it was all a lie
made by MT-M to get rid of me! Can you believe the gall of that guy! I bet
HE'S the traitor!"
"So can you help us fix Sig.Lad?" RosterwReam asked with large hopeful
eyes. "There must be something we can do..."
"Oh there is, but we must hurry!" Contraption Man ran to comlink and
hit the activate switch. "Dr. Stomper? MT-M?..."
"Contraption Man? Is that you!?" MT-M said in a somewhat guilty
voice.
"Yes. Now I can save Sig.Lad, but you must get him to the PerilRoom
Immediately!" Contraption Man snapped the activation switch off and turned to
RosterwReam. "You will never believe all the things going on in the future!"
He said excitedly. "Taskani, Ms. Multitask, IS PREGNANT!" He said with a
smile as he put his arm around RosterwReam as they hurried toward the
PerilRoom.
"Well, I guess congratulations are in order," RosterwReam said in an
unsure voice.
"NO!" Contraption Man smirked. "That's where it gets juicy! She
won't tell who the father is and no one knows!!!"
"Oh dear...what if..." RosterwReam began but it was simply too
speculative. "...nah..."
* * * * *
List Lad looked over the droves of work he had to do. This whole
crossover thing was a mess! Everything has been changing so fast.
'Perhaps I was too hard on RosterwReam, I mean it is only natural for
him to want to help,' List Lad thought. 'Nah. He'll get over it. Besides, I
need to set an example.' List Lad paged through some of his old notes and
smiled at his handywork. Then lifting an old stack of lists and paraphenalia
off his desk he gasped in horror.
"No! It cannot be!" List Lad looked down at a comic book.
"Tantalizing Teens #1."
List Lad was convinced that there never was a team called the
Tantalizing Teens! But here was conclusive proof. Someone has been messing
with the very fabric of reality!
'Either that or I am getting really senile.'
So what or who or is there a real SideKick Lad???
* * * * *
Obscure Trivia Lad, Cliche Dude, Typo Lad and Sig.File Man played cards
and joked nervously among themselves. They knew a big battle was about to be
played out and they had no fears, they were cool.
Sig.File Man still ran the thought through his head, 'What is wrong
with my memory? What have I been doing in the past!? What about the
Tantalizing Teens.'
"AR u In or owt!?" Typo lad asked.
Sig.File Man looked at his cards and folded them to the table. "Out."
"What! You had a royal Flush!" Cheesecake Eater interrupted. "Are
you crazy!?"
"Oh...." Sig.File Man looked around and picked up his cards again.
"In."
"I fold," said Cliche Dude.
"Obscure Trivia Lad folds," said OTL.
"Aye Fuld," said Typo Lad.
"Ooops. Sorry." CheeseCake Eater Lad skulked back to where Occultism
Kid and Halls Jordan had started a game of Chess.
"Checkmate in three moves, Halls." CheeseCake Eater Lad started
again. "No not the knight! The rook!" Enough was enough, and Halls proceeded
to escort CheeseCake-Eater Lad out of the room by the seat of his pants.
Parking Karma Kid smiled long. "Look! We're here!" he said excitedly
pointing to the base. "And there is a perfect place to park the transport,
right by the front door! By that group of Net.villains." The NLF was waiting
by the front door.
BandWagon Chick turned on the intercom. "OK enough character
development... It is time to kick some evil BUTT!! Prepare for battle!"
The heroes and villains of LNH and NLF clash in a nice splash page.
So begins the battle... Did I develop enough or did you want more?
"I am PYLON! Here me roar!" He yelled as he picked up a handy
boulder, and prepared to smash the entire LNH troop transport and all in it.
Occultism Kid and Typo Lad were the first to react to this menace.
Occultism Kid did an animate shoes spell and PYLON's legs began to dance madly.
Meanwhile Typo Lad turned Boulder into Shoulder and PYLON turned into a hunch
back with a misporportioned shoulder the size of a boulder. Cheesecake Eater
Lad squirted CheeseCake blasts under Pylon and he toppled over like a beetle
that lands on its back and sprawled around on the ground trying to get back on
his feet.
Ultimate Ninja made his way through the warring heroes and around the
villains. His battle was not with these misguided fools, his was with Acton
Lord and he was not going to waste time wearing himself out on this rabble.
Just as LNH was out and ready to attack, BandWagon Chick, Parking Karma
Kid, Cliche Dude (in a dramatic pose of course), Typo Lad, Rebel Yell, OTL,
Sif.File Man and Occultism Kid were frozen in their tracks. LAGNETO boasted!
"There! Now that I have caused them to LAG why don't you all pick them
off!" LAGNETO strained. "Hurry you idiots! I can't save you all the time!"
All of a sudden Lagneto's eyes went pale. Lurking Girl towered over
him as he dropped to the ground squirming in pain as he moved in and out of
disentegration phase. "Taste the totality of my Lurking Ability in your
brain!"
Girl Next Door (tm) turned on Lurking Girl with claws and an wenchy
voice she screamed... "Oh you always get the men!!"
Rebel Yell blasted Girl Next Door through a wall. "DONT TOUCH HER!"
He blasted sonically.
Lurking Girl smiled, 'Perhaps there was hope for us yet. But this
is no place for character development,' she thought as she turned to RUSH_FAN.
"Rush is the best!" He blasted BandWagon Chick.
Just then from the skies came shots. As if the LNH even *needed* help,
there were more helpers on the way. The Z-Team!
"It took a while to equip the Red Pickup with rockets or we would
have been here sooner," explained Trump.
Coach pounced on RUSH_FAN, shredding him instantly. "Mreeow."
"You KILLED HIM!?" Cliche Dude said blasting Pylon who had almost
managed to get up.
From the shredded mess came a voice, "I'm not dead! RUSH_FANs NEVER
DIE..."
The entire group moaned in agreement. There is nothing more heinous
than a Rush fan.
"Oh Reb! Come here." Said a weird looking Typo Lad. Needless to say
Mistake was taken out quickly. Firstly because only Lurking Girl calls Rebel
Yell 'Reb' and second because it was spelled correctly...
The heroes began to lick their wounds, or at least Coach did.
The Netter Liberation Front was defeated.
* * * * *
Mr. Minister pulled the limp body of Sufferyng behind him as he reached
Acton Manor. "What!? What are the LNH doing here!? I must make preparations
for operations for operation triple crown!"
He then sneaked into the complex.
* * * * *
"Acton Lord! Face me NOW!" Ultimate Ninja had found Acton Lord in the
main computer center. "You must PAY for your meddlings!!! I will make you
pay!!"
wReamed Acton Lord turned to see Ultimate Ninja and then smiled. "So
this is it then? The duel to the death, or have you come to remove another of
my nonvital organs?"
Ultimate Ninja leveled the Ginsu death blade in front of him and
prepared his stance. I will not let him excite me into doing something stupid,
Ultimate Ninja recited in his brain over and over...
"Now at long last we shall see which of us is to survive!"
CRISIS OF INFINITE CLONES #3 - PART TWELVE OF THE ELECTROCUTIONER'S SONG
+====================+ +================================+
H\\\\\||||||||||/////H H The Sword of Sig in the H
H\\\|||| /\ ||||///H H Nonsense File H
H\\\\\\\ || ///////H H If I were to tell of this H
H-\\\\\ || /////-H H wondrous item now, I would H
H--\\\ || ///--H H be giving away too much of H
H---\ || /---H H the heavily-laboured plot, H
H---- || ----H H so I'll just shut up for H
H---/ || \---H H the nonce. H
H--/// \_II_/ \\\--H +================================+
H-///// () \\\\\-H
H///|||| () ||||\\\H
H/////||||||||||\\\\\H
+====================+
-----------------------------ionize here------------------------------
In the bowels of the Acton Manor in the Grey Area of the Moon, the
Watchdog observed silently and invisibly as Mr. Minister labored under the
weight of his incapacitated brother. Pain shot through his body with every
step, but if he could only reach the CHAMBER, he could initiate Operation
Triple Crown and summon the Four Jockeys of the Apocalypse to serve him.
Blood dripped slowly from his leg and left a trail down the hallway.
Finally, he reached his destination. The CHAMBER. Sufferyng had found it
while working for Acton Lord, and in it was the OBJECT that would give him
dominion over the Jockeys. Acton Lord realized not the importance of it, by
Mr. Minister knew full well what its powers were.
* * * *
"Y'know, this was easy," remarked Cliche Dude. "TOO ea<mphlrhghu!>"
"DON'T SAY IT!" shouted Rebel Yell as he muffled Cliche Dude. But it was
too late. Already robot guardians were pouring out of hidden panels in the
well-groomed lawns. And while the LNH had to be very careful not to damage to
dome that sustained the atmosphere, the robots had no such compunction....
* * * *
Organic Lass had just finished reconnecting the various medical devices to
Sig.Lad's bubbling form, and Doc Stomper was programming the PerilRoom 3000 for
a sterile environment.
"What is it you plan to do?" asked Multi-Tasking Man as he set up his
laptop and logged in on TinyTIM while catching up on his Proust.
"It's really very simple," began Contraption Man. Then he paused for the
inevitable moans of "Yeah, right" to end. "Sig.Lad's ailment is really only a
corruption and enhancement of his powers. The TechnoVirus was a dodge, meant
to make us take the wrong path in trying to cure him. In reality, the Golden
Age Acton Lord, who had been practicing the development of his own corrupting
powers while disguised as SideWinder, nailed Sig.Lad while he was distracted by
Sufferyng. Being shot again after battling Sufferyng today only exacerbated
the problem. If we are to cure him, we must counteract the corrupted aspect of
Sig.Lad's power."
"How do we do that?" asked Organic Lass.
"It's obvious!" exclaimed Doc Stomper. "We stabilize his mutating sig
with an injection of Sig.Files! But...Sig.File Lad went to the Moon."
"That's why I brought THIS!" Contraption Man held up a little widget.
"Before you ask, this is the Sig.Library of Sig.File Man (he called himself Man
later in life) from our archives, encoded onto an RNA matrix. It should do the
trick. Or...."
"OR WHAT?" asked everyone in unison, dreading the answer.
"...or kill him by sig.overdose. But it is the only way. Do we do it?"
Organic Lass was the first to speak. "Go for it. Don't let the fact that
I'm named in his life insurance policy make you think I'm biased or anything."
"If only Lost Cause Boy were still here...do it," said M-TM.
"Obviously it's the only way to advance the plot. Go for it," replied
Doctor Stomper.
"Okay, here goes EVERYTHING."
* * * *
In COMA, Electrocutioner (nee Entertainment) was getting bored with MUD
wrestling. After toying with the idea of MUCK or MOO wrestling, he grew
despondent. Then Memor-X spoke up.
"Er, Mr. All-Powerful Gaiman/Morrison Ripoff? May I make a suggestion?"
"Whatever. I'm being despondent," sighed Electrocutioner.
"Well, it is our power to cross over into any story when the guest stars
cannot possibly make it due to prior commitments. This means we get to be in a
broad spectrum of tales, and if you were to release us and watch us, you might
find it, dare I say, Entertaining?"
The Finishless perked up. "Say, I like it. Kinda like my own cable
access show, but 24 hours a day. Okay," he clapped his hands and got to work.
"First, these transmitters. Yeah, I'm all-powerful, but this will help me get
through static. Now, your old loyalties. Forget about Crossover Queen. She's
history. You serve ONLY me. No nefarious plans behind my back! And for
heaven's sake, try to stay in character in your crossovers...bad
characterization is not entertaining, it's annoying. And the names...those
gotta go if you want to ever enter racm. Let's see...I got it, you'll be the
Guest Star Squadron! And Memor-X, you'll be...."
And thus it went, until eventually the X-Ove...er, Guest Star Squadron
left COMA for new adventures. Coming soon to every comic near you, as every
comicbook team near you.
* * * *
The computer room was a mess. Ninja Bush protruding from consoles, chairs
cut in half and their nylon stuffing floating gently in the air, parts of wall
corrupted into twisted mockeries of the concept 'wall', and so on.
As we go down the hallway, we see the destruction and radically revamped
decor continues. And down some stairs. And down another hall. And finally we
reach wRAL and Ultimate Ninja, pausing briefly in their battle.
"Will you stand still and DIE?" asked wRAL as he unleashed a blast at
Ultimate Ninja.
"No," answered the Ninja as he dodged nimbly and allowed the blast to
destroy the door to a cell. "Sidewinder! Run for it!" shouted UN, having
maneuvered Acton Lord into blasting open the cell.
Before Acton Lord could finish kicking himself, SideWinder had already
digressed from the cell into alt.sex.bondage, where Acton Lord couldn't follow
(this isn't ACROPHOBE label, after all).
"Face it, Acton Lord. You cannot defeat me. I can dodge anything you
throw at me, and shrug off what does clip me. You don't have the POWER to
destroy me!" taunted Ultimate Ninja.
"ALRIGHT! YOU FORCED ME TO DO THIS!" shouted Acton Lord as he swelled up
with unholy verdant energy. "I know the price of Absolute Power, but it's
worth it to KILL YOU! Now...what's that?"
While Acton Lord had been ranting, Ultimate Ninja had pulled out a small
wooden disc inscribed with a Tao. He then flipped it lazily through the air at
Acton Lord.
"You forget, I am also a master of all the quasi-mystic pseudo-oriental
arts of the Ninja! That is a Tao, symbol of balance. By taking on an Absolute
quality, you offended the Balance."
Acton Lord blasted at the disc, but barely slowed it.
"The Balance WILL be restored. You shall be united with your opposite.
Absolute power over Absolute NOTHING!"
"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo..........." screamed Acton Lord as the
disc touched him, and he shrank to a singularity.
"Absolute power, teeny little living space," muttered Ultimate Ninja.
* * * *
"Oh, crap."
Sig.Lad had suddenly disappeared from the PerilRoom.
* * * *
Ultimate Ninja was wending his way to the surface, when he spotted the
trail of blood. Curious, he followed it, until he came to a door spattered
with a rather large amount of blood. He opened it cautiously, his senses ready
for any sound, and glimmer to movement. He was ready for anything. Except
what greeted him in the room.
Mr. Minister and Sufferyng were merged into one groteque being, and lay
lifeless on the floor, clutching a strange object. Using his honed senses and
training in this sort of thing, Ultimate Ninja determined that the thing was
really dead, and not shamming it. But what that in the corner? A small square
of cloth, with a number on it, much like worn on the side of a race horse.
Suddenly a small explosion rocked the base. This would have to keep.
Ultimate Ninja quickly left for the surface, not hearing the sepulchral
whickering sound as he departed....
* * * *
The LNH seemed to have the robots in hand. Their programming made them
slow learners, so they were easy to trick. Obscure Trivia Lad was about to use
his liquid metal form to skewer a dozen at once as they lined up in a close
(and stupid) formation, when he suddenly flew apart like mercury hit with a
hail of bullets. Or a deadly green powerbeam.
Everyone looked up to see Acton Lord standing on the roof. He floated
down to the field of combat, freezing both sides in their tracks by enhancing
the viscosity of the air to infinite levels.
"It's time this little drama comes to an end. I have finished repairing
all my GIFs, thanks to the UNCOMAMZL.ZIP file my failed brother had, and have
absorbed my Golden Age counterpart. I expect Ultimate Ninja will be destroying
my failed brother about...now." Acton Lord grinned evilly as he felt wRAL
being sucked into a singularity, never to return. "I am now the only, the TRUE
Acton Lord. These plots and trials were all just a smokescreen for my true
purpose, the cleansing of my files. And with Sig.Lad destroyed, my place is
secure! I will...."
"Be proven WRONG, my evil twin!"
Everyone turned to face...SIG.LAD!
"But...the corrupted sig.files I planted in Contraption Man's possession
shoudl have destroyed you! I FELT you cease to be! How?" asked a rather
rattled Acton Lord.
"With the help of THIS!" Sig.Lad held aloft a gleaming sword. "This is
the Sword of Sig!"
Acton Lord's face twisted in disgust. "Don't tell me, it's the 'focused
totality of your .sig powers...."
"Nope! It's just a magical sword with an inkwell! Observer!"
Cannon Fodder had been expecting this, and had started to creep away. But
before he could take two steps, Sig.Lad swept out with the Sword and wrote a
clever little .sig on the back of Fodder's ice green Suicide Squid T-shirt.
Cannon Fodder was so shocked that the power demonstration was non-lethal that
he had a massive coronary and died. Gotta hate that power.
Sig.Lad had a look of 'oops' on his face. "Well, if everyone will tune
their headsets to 'flashback,' I'll tell you how I got this.
* flashback sequence *
Sig.Lad was conscious. He looked about him, and saw a green rolling
meadow, studded with small bushes. He looked down, and saw that his body was
no longer mutating. But what had happened? A scream of pain from over a small
hill got his attention.
He raced over the hill and as he topped it, he saw a rather dashing young
man clutching a mangled right hand and cursing at a sword of some kind, that
was imbedded in a SPARCstation. A group of similarly attired men surrounded
him, and several rushed to his aid. An old man cackled, "Next!"
"What is this? A retelling of Camelot?" asked Sig.Lad as he came down the
hill.
A young man, barely out of boyhood, replied. "Oh, another buffoon just
failed to win the Sword of Change. What are you doing here? Come to try?"
"I'd like to know myself what I'm doing. I think this must be a delusion
brought on by my unstable condition."
"All of life is a delusion. Just some of it better written. As long as
you're not really here, why not try for the Sword?"
"You're pretty philosophical for a kid, kid. How did the Sword mangle
that man's hand?"
"I'm wise beyond my years, my son," the boy grinned. "That man was too
set in his ways. He couldn't adapt. He sought the Sword to change the world
to HIS way. In reality, the Sword requires the wielder to change. He wouldn't
accept that, and it cost him. Can you change?"
"It seems ALL I do recently. Sure, why not." Sig.Lad stepped up to the
SPARCstation. He placed his hand on the pommel, which instantly became spiked.
Blood spurted from his hand and he withdrew in pain.
"You must change, and control that change, Sig.Lad. If this is but a
dream, you should be able to do it," urged the boy.
Sig.Lad grimaced, and willed the holes in his hand to close. Then he
grasped the sword again. It coiled and tried to crush his hand, but merely
flowed though and was grasped again. Sig.Lad pulled the Sword out an inch.
The pommel became flame, but Sig.Lad did not burn. Another inch. It became a
viper and bit him, but he abosrbed the poison and passed it harmlessly.
Another inch. It became a data stream, but his hand became a cyberjack and
took the input. Another inch. AND OUT!
Sig.Lad held the Sword up. "I can feel it in my mind! This is not the
Sword of Change, it is the Sword of Sig! And I'm cured! I don't know how this
is really happening, but I'm really here! And I'm CURED!"
The boy replied, "Of course, for is not Net.valon a place of healing,
Sig.Lad?"
"Net.valon? And how did you know my name?"
"The same way I knew to summon you here before the corrupted sig.files
were injected into you. I'm a WIZARD, kin to Sketch and TIM. That sword will
change with you, and let you control the change. Never more will you be a
victim of your own power. Now go forth and face evil."
"But who are youuuuu......" trailed off Sig.Lad as he was transported
automagically to the Moon.
* end of flashback *
"And so I'm here. And now, Acton Lord, it's time to pay you back for all
that suffering you visited on me."
Just then, Ultimate Ninja emerged from the base, and hit the brick wall of
viscous air. "Oof!"
"Ah, the Ninja," sneered Acton Lord. "I note that you disposed of my
subordinate for me."
"No, he disposed of himself. I tricked him into believing I had the power
to destroy him, and he destroyed himself. You Acton Lords are a rather
gullible lot, and ninjas are experts at lying."
"Be that as it may. I would have words in private with my opposite. You
may all return to fighting my robots. You may find them not quite as stupid as
they were, however."
Acton Lord smiled and waved a hand. Suddenly a roiling greenish dome cut
him and Sig.Lad off from the other combatants. "I have corrupted spacetime so
that we may settle our differences in private," sneered Acton Lord.
Sig.Lad stood warily, holding the Sword of Sig at the defense. "You
realize, Acton Lord, that your corruption powers won't work on me. I can
change myself back faster than you can corrupt me."
"Of course, but as a good master villain, I am always prepared for such an
eventuality. I've been taking a page from your book and altering my own
abilities...now DIE!" he shouted as green powerbeams ravened from his hands,
destroying the very fabric of reality in its wake.
Sig.Lad parried the bolt with the Sword, and it was absorbed by the dome.
"Give up, Sig.Lad! You know I will win in the end! I am your future!
Already a part of you has succumbed to the inevitable and become me [see Sound
of Clashing Metal #4 - Editor Boy]! This plot device is preordained! You
cannot fight the canon!"
"There *IS* no inevitability! The future is ours to create! There is no
canon, only the mosaic of possibilities! Plot King may beat me into the ground
for this later, but life is not laid out in a neat plot! There are often no
distinct beginnings, middles or ends to the story, and rarely do we see all the
elements."
"Ah, but this is not life! It's a parody of a comicbook, and therefore is
chock full of plot points. Bow to the inevitable, my 'brother'. Allow me to
corrupt you into my likeness, and you will join me in immortality. But you
cannot defeat me, for I am the font of all that is twisted and vile about the
comics industry...an elemental force you cannot vanquish! Now, let's get on
with the fight, the readers paid good money for this double-sized final issue.
Or will you surrender?"
Sig.Lad put aside his Sword. "No, I won't pander to your masters. Don't
look so surprised, Acton Lord. You aren't the font of the current trends in
comics, merely an avatar of them. You embody the tendencies of writers and
editors to let power go to their heads and change things around for no good
reason, or to boost sales. You didn't cause the shift from plots to extended
fight scenes, you simply represent it."
"Yes, that is so! But as long as the industry is willing to pander to the
fanboy and the stockholder, as long as writers and artist-writers are allowed
free reign to do as they will, I shall exist! You cannot defeat me, you can't
even escape me! So I say, SURRENDER! Purity cannot survive in a corrupt
world! Join me and live, resist and DIE!"
"NO!!!!!!" cried Sig.Lad, a desperate anger lighting his face. "You CAN
be defeated, by eliminating the source! Nothing is impossible as long as
people believe in it! Corruption can be cleansed, and evil contained."
"How can you defeat that which you cannot even face? The source of my
existence is in the Real World, and you are confined to the net.worlds! What
can you possibly do?" Acton Lord grinned evilly, meaning to enjoy the
suffering Sig.Lad was going through.
Sig.Lad held the Sword of Sig aloft, then brought it down to point at
Acton Lord. "We can WRITE. If the pen is mightier than the sword, the
keyboard is mightier still! Humor and satire have always been powerful weapons
against tyranny. All of us in the Legion of Net.Heroes are warriors in this
fight. By our satire, by criticizing the industry in our stories, we take a
stand against the evils we percieve. Even our enemies in the net.worlds are
devoted to this cause. Whether you light a candle or curse the darkness, you
have defied the dark!"
"Your philosophy bores me, Sig.Lad. In the beginning there was dark, in
the end there will be dark. Now I send you to the dark, and you lack the power
to stop me." Acton Lord warmed up for another hideous blast.
"No! As long as there is a single spark, the light will never be fully
extinguished! You can destroy the idealist but not the ideal! As long as we
believe that comics can be well written and hold out hope that quality will
replace fanboy appeal, the LNH will fight for it!"
Sig.Lad, shoving the point of his Sword through the chest of a very
surprised Acton Lord, who made the mistake of letting Sig.Lad do a .sig.
Sword emerges from Acton Lord's back.
Blood trickles down his chest.
Sig.Lad
TWISTS
the blade and Acton Lord
gasps
and closes his eyes in pain.
Sword is withdrawn
Blood gouts
Going into shock
Falls to the ground
Gasps, "You have only won a symbolic victory...
I *will* return...HAHAHAHAcckkkkk!!!!"
Dies.
"But that is the best kind of victory against a symbolic foe," says
Sig.Lad softly as the dome ripples out of existence.
Slow pan back to show the torn field of battle, villains lying dead or
unconscious and heroes weary and battered, and Sig.Lad in the center of a large
open space, looking to the sky.
Sig.Lad holds his Sword of Sig to the sky and shouts, "Keep the Dream
alive! LONG LIVE THE LEGION!!!!"
The Song is over, but the singing shall coninue....
- END -
==========
Next Week: Something LNH perhaps?
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
More information about the racc
mailing list