LNH: Leadership Cry.sig: Net.ropolis 2023 #3

[Arthur Spitzer]

"You are Entering -- The INFO SHUV ZONE -- with host -- MacLaughlin Man!" 
said a very bald and sweaty MacLaughlin Man with 5 O'Clock shadow across 
his face reading a piece of paper.  And then he pulled out a white bottle 
and placed it on his desk.  "You ever say to yourself, 'Man -- Wish I could 
be as smart as that super genius -- MacLaughlin Man?'  Yeah, I know.  
You're not alone.  And I've got good news for you -- with this amazing 
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a towering supernova of thought like your dear old pal, MacLaughlin Man!

"And we've got a great deal for you Shuvheads out there -- Enter Promocode 
#SHUVUPHOL and you're going to get a WEEK'S supply of THOT SHUVVERS -- for 
only -- get this -- for only $69.69!  Man, that is like the BEST DEAL EVER!  
You'd be a complete moron not to buy this!  And if you're a complete moron 
-- buy THOT SUVVERS and change that!  That's Promocode #SHUVUPHOL --  Time 
to put those Thot Shuvvers where the Sun Don't Shine -- To Improve That 
Mind!

And MacLaughlin Man paused for bit as if reflecting about all the choices 
that he had made in life.  All those choices that led to him being here in 
this incredibly crummy studio.  Once there was a time he had had THE NUMBER 
one TV program on NNN.  People would wait on him -- hand and foot.  But 
now?  He was here.

MacLaughlin Man cleared his throat and pulled out another piece of paper.  
"Okay, we've got Great Show with a Great Guest for you today.  This little 
lady -- who might very well be the next Leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes 
-- is someone who I'm sure you all already know.  But in case you've been 
living under a rock for the last decade, I give you -- Only-Does-Good-
Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass!  Did I get that right?"

"Please, just call me Pragmatic-Reasons Lass," said a woman appearing on a 
zoom screen that looked to be in her late twenties wearing a dark blue 
superhero costume that had a ton of complex mathematical equations all over 
it.  She also had a pretty spiffy looking calculator in her hand.  "It's 
wonderful to be on.  Love the show.  You're like one of the bravest truth 
tellers in our current media landscape."

MacLaughlin Man's eyes lighted up a bit as he smugly rubbed his double 
chin.  "Yeah -- I kinda am."  And then his face got super serious.  "But 
let's cut to the chase.  You know I'm not fan of the LNH.  And as much as I 
had my problems with the old LNH regime -- this new one?  I think its even 
worse if that's even possible!  I mean the old Ultimate Ninja -- for all 
the bad things I could say about him like how he was Satanic Bootlicking 
Whore Mongering Nazi Tapdancing Puppy Molester -- you did have to respect 
that he got to where he got to from pulling himself up with his own 
Incredibly Homicidal Super Terrorist Welfare Cheating Bootstraps!  You did 
have to respect that!  But this NEW one?  Oh, man -- this new one.  This 
Silver Spoon Gobbling Soyboy Swilling Nepo Baby Coastal Elitist Monster 
that's now leading the LNH?  Man.  Where do I even start?  And is it just 
me or is this like the MOST Super Woke LNH ever?  EVER!! All that CRT and 
Pronouns and Hunter Biden's laptop that they're trying to inject into our 
children?!!  I just can't take it anymore!!"

"Hah," Pragmatic-Reasons Lass said with a slight smirk, "I think I'm going 
to have to disagree with some of that.  Look.  Nina Yamashiro is a good kid 
and her heart is in the right place.  But she's young.  Very young.  And 
being Leader of the LNH is like the hardest job in the world.  So, it's 
very understandable why she's having a bad job doing it.  I think we need 
someone a bit more seasoned.  A bit more grownup.  I mean these kids today 
just don't have any understanding about how the real world works.  They see 
Socialism and Marxism in like some TikTok video and think, Yeah.  We should 
try that -- not understanding that there was thing called the Cold War that 
showed why that experiment failed.

"No, what we need are REAL Solutions to our -- REAL Problems.  I mean this 
beautiful Free Market system made America the GREATEST country in the WORLD 
-- and if it could do that to America THEN why can't it also make the LNH 
GREAT -- AGAIN?!  Of course it can!  And it will with me in charge.  This 
current model of the LNH -- trying to save the world for free?  It's just 
not sustainable.  It's not realistic!  No."

"Yeah," nodded MacLaughlin Man, "Was never quite sure how the LNH could do 
all that saving the world stuff for free.  Where do they get their funding 
from anyway?  Selling Meth?  White Slavery?  George Soros?  Probably all 
three.  But regardless -- what is your plan?!"

"I see it being like a -- subscription type model.  There will be various 
tiers with various perks that will..."

"Wait," said MacLaughlin Man with a grimace.  "You expect people to PAY to 
be SAVED?!  That's never going to work!"

"Look.  Hear me out.  Perhaps subscription is a bad choice of words.  
Perhaps Investment would be a better one."

"Investment?"

"Yes.  You know -- when you think about -- what is the biggest problem in 
the world?"

And before MacLaughlin Man could say, 'That the LNH hasn't been executed 
for all their numerous crimes,' she finished.  "Everyone isn't super rich.  
Would we have any problems if everyone was super rich?  No, of course not.  
Super rich people don't rob banks.  They don't take bribes.  They don't 
need to do any crimes -- because why?  Because they're SUPER RICH.  Now 
imagine everyone in the world and they're super rich.  Just imagine that.  
Yes.  No more problems.  None."

"Yeah," said MacLaughlin Man with a very skeptical look, "But that's not 
possible.  Everyone can't be super rich."

"No.  Actually it is.  I've done the math."  She pointed to her calculator.

"The Math?"

"Yes.  I've worked it all out.  I mean I can't really show you it because 
its this highly complex new type of math that I've invented that only 'I' 
can truly understand.  But it's all there.  It all works out.  Trust me."

"Well, if you say so.  But what's this have to with the LNH?"

"Imagine the LNH as -- a Hedge Fund.  But not some Hedge Fund that's only 
for a SELECT group of snooty, wealthy elitists.  No.  This will be one for 
EVERYONE.  Everyone in the World will be able to OWN a part of the LNH.  
And when other people see this new LNH Owning Class start to become 
incredibly wealthy they'll rush in to grab their own piece of the pie!  And 
before you know it -- Everyone Will be LNH!  We'll all own a piece of the 
LNH.  We'll all be Super Rich from that piece.  And we'll all be living in 
this perfect world where we're all heroes!  All of US!!

And Pragmatic-Reasons Lass paused for a bit and looked straight into the 
camera on her laptop.  "And that's my Vision.  That's my Plan.  And that's 
why you should vote for me -- Pragmatic-Reasons Lass -- Next Leader of the 
Legion of Net.Heroes!"  And then she closed her eyes as if meditating and 
finally said, "Amen."


                          ****      ****      ****


A rather entranced wReamhack slurped away with his straw at the final drop 
of Mr. Paprika ('Now that's an Overworked Hackers Pop!') in his BIG SLURP 
CUP as his eyes remained glued to his monitor screen.  "Wow.  Turning the 
LNH into a Hedge Fund?  You know when you think about it -- that does kind 
of make a lot sense!  I mean..."

Cheesecake-Eater Lad glared at his friend while shaking his head.  "Tell me 
you're not serious!  You know this is scam!"

"Oh, yeah -- sure -- I mean -- sure.  At least for those poor suckers 
who're still holding once the bubble burst.  But for the wise investor that 
knows how to correctly time the market..."

Cheesecake-Eater Lad's very disappointed look began to intensify.

"Umm... hey... I mean," wReamhack continued with a sheepish grin.  "Of 
course dumping LNH stock to make a huge killing would be wrong.  Yes, very 
wrong.  It's certainly something I, myself, would never do.  Nope.  No 
thoughts of doing that at all.  Yep.  Uhuh."



    ****      ****      ****



Credits:

MacLaughlin Man and wReamhack are wReam's
Cheesecake-Eater Lad is Matthew Jotham Millheiser's
and Pragmatic-Reasons Lass is mine


Writer's Notes:


Okay, only reason I could think of Pragmatic-Reasons Lass for wanting to be 
LNH Leader was some Make Money grifter scheme.  And is 27 year old 
Pragmatic-Reasons Lass actually older than Nina -- well, okay, I don't what 
actual age Nina is -- a teen?  Early 20s?  I guess it would be kind of 
funny if they were both them same age or if Nina was actually older than 
her.

Arthur "Another one..." Spitzer