ACRA/LNH: The Blood Scrawled Crystal Skull of the Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season Four #4 Part Two

[Drew Nilium]

On 10/27/22 1:12 AM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Huck Dolluhrind felt a twinge in his neck.  Someone had died.  He let out a weary sigh.  Oh well.
> He knew that was going to happen.

Yeah, fair. o3o

> He held his Job Interview Radish for all of
> the zombies, werewolves, ghouls, and other nasty horrifying creatures to all gaze upon as he parted
> his way through them like Moses parting the Red Sea.  They weren't going to stop him.  They knew he
> had an interview he needed to get to.
> 
> An Interview that he was going to completely ace.

maaaaaaaan :D That's so good

> Lady Ripper looked with surprise as a cloaked elderly black man barged into her room.  "What the...?
> How did you...?"
> 
> "I'm here -- for the job interview," said Huck holding the radish up as he looked at a dark shadowy
> part of the room where a shadowy Lady Ripper was standing.
> 
> "Oh, right," Lady Ripper said gazing at the radish.  "The Job Interview.  Yes, we should get..." she
> said walking into a more lighted area.

So close!!

> Never have I seen -- like if FIN FANFIC FOOM had a much, much shorter twin sister --
> with the most luscious of all Dad Bods!

I-- huh. X3

> "I'm sorry, Tara..."
> 
> Lady Ripper was taken aback.  "That name.  NEVER -- call me that.  She is gone.  Dead."
> 
> Huck nodded.  "I'm Namer Boy.  Do you remember me?"
> 
> "No, you're not... he was..."  Her hand started to shake as memories flashed through her brain.
> 
> "Yes, the one who was your teammate -- The Bomb changed him into a zombie.  I'm a man that has this
> condition that is called Namerboyuhneeen which causes me to occasionally be possessed by the spirit
> of Namer Boy allowing me access to all his memories and skills and..."

I'm so hecking amazed that this turned out to be super plot relevant.

> "I'm here to convince you that you're on the wrong side.  I want you to join us.  Help us."

:D :D :D

> "We need you to take out Fearless -- The Lord of Fear -- with this."  He took off the backpack he
> had been wearing and got this big mysterious box out of it.  "Here.  Open it."
> 
> She cautiously while holding her breath opened the lid up slightly.  "Oh god!  That's..."  She
> quickly closed the lid.
> 
> "Yes.  And there's a tape -- it's buried under the throne made from the crystal skulls in the Throne
> Room.  You know what I'm talking about?"
> 
> "Yes.  We tried to destroy it, but for some reason -- it couldn't be destroyed.  So we buried it.
> There's something horrible on that tape -- that if you watch it -- it will destroy you.

Ohhhhhhhh shit :D <3 <3 <3

> And as couple of WikiSentinels carted Huck away, Lady Ripping looked at the box he had given her.
> And she moved the box away to one of her secret safe places.

Heck yeah. :D I see.

> "Tasha!  Are you out of your -- I wanted him alive!" shouted The Lord of Fear into his wrist
> communicator.  "Stand down!"
> 
> Irony Maiden shook her head.  "We need to stop playing games with these terrorist svolochi.  We need
> to end all of this.  Eliminate every single one of them!"  Irony began to crackle from her metal
> hands.

ooooooh, *very* interesting.

> Binky just stared at the blood splatter that once been his best
> friend -- his best lover -- his best toxic pain in the ass maniac that was going to just send his
> life spiraling out of control that he should have broken up with years ago.  Charlie.  Binky closed
> his eyes as a tear ran down his furry cheek.  And then he opened his eyes again -- and there was
> just rage.  A blinding rage that glowed a bright red.

That is, in fact, how it be sometimes.

> Natasha Tolstoy -- who had once been the Irony Man villain Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit -- and after The
> Bomb had gone off -- joined the Legion as the newest incarnation of Irony Man -- Irony Maiden,

Wonderful. <3

> Mr. Chainsaw Guy watched as a red hot beam blazed out of Binky's eyes barbecuing the Irony Maiden's
> suit.

Holy shit. :o

> Dr. Stahmpeurstein looked intently at his scanner.  "Hmm.  That is -- peculiar.  The sabertooth's
> DNA is Dvorakian -- and it's been altered by the Glory Virus."

Holy crap. :o What a callback.

> The Lord of Fear wrinkled his nose -- damn these super senses
> -- as he looked at the flickering image of The Time Evacuator -- formerly one of Vector Prime clones
> that had gone off to greater things.

Ooooooh, another nice tie-in. :o

> Lord of Fear sighed.  Sometimes, he wished another person were making all of these decisions.  Part
> of him just wanted to let this thing be.  To just ignore it and let it be.  But this thing could be
> dangerous.  It could threaten everything.  Sometime you just had to make a choice.
> 
> "Eradicate it," said The Lord of Fear in a cold voice.  "Make sure nothing survives."
> 
> Because someone had to save the world.

What a dark world; what a dark mind.

> There was a man with a five o'clock shadow that had boots that were made from Komodo Dragon skin.
> He had a fur coat that had various animal pelts and skins.  Ferret.  Cat.  Beaver.  Wombat.  Beagle.
> Yak.  Sperm Whale.  And a number of others.  All stitched together.

Oh, shit.

> He remembered the final battle he had with the last of those Miracle Beasts.  It was the Maggot.  On
> a melting iceberg close to the North Pole -- that's where it had been.  That was actually a pretty
> easy battle as if the Beast didn't have its heart in it.  Maybe it didn't want to live in world
> without all of the others.

And Parsnip is... maybe not the most powerful.

> Perhaps.  He rubbed his amber amulet that he wore around his neck.  He
> could see the lifeless corpse of that Maggot trapped forever in it.

God that's so cool.

> "Too many good people died Yesterday," said The Lord of Fear with a solemn expression on his face.
> "You know their names.  Breaker.  Knifer.  Countdown.  Cooker.  Crasher.  Hitter.  Grimmer.
> Gritter.  Beatdown.  Rocker.  Puller.  Jacker."  He paused a for a moment.  "And Maiden.

So terrible. <3 No fun at all.

> There will always be the
> goofiness and silliness that you can't squash away.  Eventually you'll see it lurking in everyone
> around you -- and I'm surprised you can't see it right now.
> 
> "I mean look at the Preacher -- with his hairless monks -- eyebrows and pubic hair all shaved away.
> And that silly, ridiculous hat he's always wearing."  The Righteous Inquisitor scowled as if that
> remark hit a bit too close to home.  "And is the Time Evacuator anymore serious than the Time
> Crapper?  Is the Beast Slayer somehow less goofy than the Holiday Miracle Pet Catcher?  How about
> that werewolf over there smoking a pipe while reading the Wall Street Journal?  How is that not
> completely ridiculous?!!"  The werewolf with a very self conscious look on his face as he became
> aware that everyone was looking at him slowly moved the paper upwards till it was completely hiding
> his face.

XD XD XD <3 <3 <3 Yessss, preach it

> And then a loud blaring noise exploded from the speakers.  At first it sounded like a creaking door
> and then some bubbling sounds followed by a drum.  And then some goofy sounding music like from the
> early 60s.  And singing.
> 
>        'I was working in my lab -- late one night
>          when my eyes beheld an eyrie sight...'
> 
> And then the whole room darkened with only colorful strobe lights stabbing any brightness into it.

YESSSSSS :D :D :D <3 <3 <3

>  No.  He was right.  This was never going to end.  They were going to
> purge and purge.  And it would never stop -- because no one was ever going to be serious enough for
> this world.  It was just going to... and she began to walk.
> 
> There had to be change.

Hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah

> He turned his head.  And there was Lady Ripper pulling something out of box and placing it on his
> head.  Something that burned.  The Lord of Fear screamed a ghastly scream as he tried to pull it off
> burning his fingers badly.  And he screamed some more.
> 
> The Carmen Miranda Hat would not be removed.

omgggggggg X3 *Wonderful*

> And then she loudly said, "WikiSentry!
> There is only one of you and you are right next to me!"  Every single WikiSentry in the world
> disappeared except for the one next to Lady Ripper.

yessssssss

> "You're an indestructible huge TV with VCR that can easily catch and play any VIDEO TAPE WITHOUT --
> ANY --PROBLEM!!  And your editing is locked for everyone without exception for the next Hour!"

WONDERFUL :D :D :D

> The Lord of Fear stopped his screaming and howling as he saw The Righteous Inquisitor blasting away
> at Lady Ripper.  "No!  DON'T!!!"  And he rushed over ripping the trident away from The Inquisitor.
> And then he impaled the trident right into The Inquisitor's heart with a face filled with wrath.
> The Righteous Inquisitor had a look of sad confusion on his face -- and silently mouthed the word,
> 'Why?' right before his revampire body burst into a pile of dust and bones.

daaaaaaaaamn, that's so hecking awesome

> But with what life she still had left, she crawled her way toward towards the
> Crystal Skull Throne that had by now been split into two.  She could see the tape in the chasm
> between the two parts and she grabbed at it.  And she threw it into the air.
> 
> And even though it was a rather weak throw, The WikiSentry could sense it and shot out a mechanical
> tentacle with a baseball glove on it that easily caught it and quickly recoiled it back.

eeeeeeeeheeheehee

> And a black and white parakeet wearing a tiny witch hat appeared to flutter around on the screen.
> It had a ghostly look. 

:D :D :D

> He took his fedora off of his bald head.  He could see it flapping towards him -- and he knew he
> couldn't stop it this time.  He had already killed it years ago.  He looked at his brown fedora with
> a number of candy corn colored feathers wrapped around the hat's band.  He felt an awful chill in
> his body as the ghost of Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet flew right into his stomach.  And
> then he clutched himself as he fell down to his knees.

yessssssss damn

> And he felt probably that same feeling that the Titan Kronos had when he realized that all of the
> children he had gobbled up weren't going to stay neatly put in that belly of his.  Nope.  They were
> going to return.  All of them.  ALL -- OF -- THEM!

holy shit :D :D :D

> The Beast Slayer began to heave and retch.  And then a geyser of blood and bile shot out of his
> mouth giving birth to a baby Komodo Dragon wearing a tiny baby blood stained Easter Bonnet.  And
> then more came.  A baby kitten.  A baby Beaver.  A baby Ferret.  And more and more and more.

holy shiiiiit :o !!!

> Spewing and hurling them all out of his throat -- he began to think that maybe eating the flesh of
> all of those Holiday Miracle Pets hadn't been the brightest of ideas.  Still -- there was something
> so beautiful about them.  He had missed that terrible beauty.

epkhy45ophkpekopt holy cow I don't even have words for the feeling this 
complicated mashing of tones gives me

> The Lord of Fear watched helplessly as these tiny baby holiday miracle pets were racing through the
> Throne Room -- leaving traces of cartoon like hearts, fireworks, and four leaf clovers as they
> zipped around.  He could hear someone scream, "This must be all taking place on Holiday Miracle Pet
> Week!  That's the only way ANY of this makes any sense!!!!!"  Reality began to break down.

X3 X3 X3

> This was their world now.  No more room for the glowing crystal skulls.
> 
> And as if preparing for whatever Judgment that was about to come, The Lord of Fear closed his eyes.
> He held the dusty bones of Lady Ripper close to him.
> 
> And he waited.

;;;;;-;;;;;

> He could smell something that he hadn't smelled in years.  Pumpkin?  Pumpkin Spice?
> 
> A Pumpkin Spice Latte?!

Of *course* :D

> And finally, he opened his eyes.  He was sitting at a table outdoors outside a Cafe -- there was big
> glass mug filled with pumpkin spice latte and whip cream.  And he could see The City around him...
> like it had been when it was Net.ropolis.  Back before the...
> 
> And sitting opposite of him right at that same table was...
> 
> "Tara?"

aaaaaa yessssss :D This is such a good scenario, holy crap. This is going to a 
higher level of characterization than I expected.

> "God.  Did all that... was any of that...?"  Tara Shreds had a very upset look on her face.

Yeah, I bet! @-@

> "Sorry... need to..."  She digged her phone from her purse and began pushing some buttons on it.
> "Hello?  Oh, god!  Suzy?  Is that really you?!"  Tara's eyes began to well up.  "God... wish I was
> there so I could give you the biggest hug that... Yes yes yes... Mommy's all right!

awwwwww ;;;;;;-;;;;;;

> And as Felix Landers watched her make that call it occurred to him that he needed to make one too.
> "Multi-Tasking Man?  There's a situation.  Need to know where Bad Timing Boy is.  What?  Casualty
> Ward?  Some parakeet brutally attacked him?  Good.  That's good... err I mean not not that that's
> good... hopefully he has a umm... a quick recovery... yeah, quick recovery of course.

X3 X3 X3 <3 <3 <3

> And... and I don't why we're both here having some pumpkin spice lattes."
> There was a bit of silence.  "It's... it's been a long time, Tara."

Awwwwwwww ;-;

> "Yeah, a long time.  I mean I always meant to... you know... visit.  It's just... crazy shit always
> happens there.  And that place -- just tons of traumatic memories."

Yeah, fair. ;-;

> "So... so, you're married... you got kids?"
> 
> "Yeah.  Yeah.  They're... great.  Wanted to invite you to the wedding... but... you know...
> Superheroes and Weddings.  But -- Tony's great.  You'd like him.  Kids are amazing.  Sometimes it's
> -- it's difficult, but I wouldn't trade it for anything."
> 
> "I'm glad -- glad for you."

;;;;;;-;;;;;;

> "Well, there was this something -- in an alternate world.  Kind of complicated -- kind of weird, I
> don't know... can't really... ummm... it's kind of awkward to talk about..."  Felix's face had a
> slight blush.

Heeheeheehee ^.^ <3 Yeah.

> You're a good guy, Felix."
> 
> "Am I?"  He looked away from her.  "Was that me in that other world -- was that a good guy?"
> 
> "Maybe -- maybe we were being influenced by those Crystal Skulls..."
> 
> "Yeah, maybe.  But the scary thing is -- I could rationalize all of my actions there as some
> necessary evil -- things that needed to be done to protect... protect the status quo.  That's...
> that's the scary thing.

Yeah, I thought that part worked really well.

> "Could be -- could be that's why we're being forced to remember all of that stuff that we did.
> Maybe we could have made different choices -- that's what they're trying to tell us.  Maybe we
> didn't have to become monsters -- or if we had to become monsters -- maybe we didn't have to become
> terrible monsters.

aggggggggh that's so good, especially that last part - the difference between 
monsters and terrible monsters.

   I -- I don't know.  I don't... God, glad I'm an ordinary person again.  Don't
> have to think about..."  She snorted out a laugh.  "I think I'm finally cured of ever wanting to be
> Ripping Dancer."

awwwwww <3

> Tara shook her head while letting out a snicker.  "No.  That's... that's not you.  You're not
> going to do that.  This is what you do.  You're going to keep saving the world.  And you're going
> to keep doing that till you... till you..."  And she paused.  She fished in her purse for a tissue
> -- blew her nose and then wiped her eyes a bit.

awh ;-; <3

> "Yeah.  I know.  It was good seeing you, Tara."  And they both got up from their chairs.  And
> there was hug.  A very long hug.

awwwwwwww!!! <3

> "Oh, these damn tears!" she said laughing a bit while sniffling as she wiped her eyes again with
> another tissue.  "You're going to have to come and see the house.  We'll have some dinner.  You'll
> see Tony and the kids... you'll -- You're going to like them.  And they've never seen an actual
> superhero.  You'll be the first superhero that they've ever..."
> 
> "No, Tara.  You're wrong about that.  They have seen a superhero.  They have."
> 
> And Tara had a slight embarrassed look on her face.  "You'll come?"
> 
> "Yeah.  Would love to.  Sounds like a plan.  We'll do it."

eeeeeeeeheeheehee ;-; <3 <3 <3

> And then he noticed his comm.thingee light was flashing.  Another emergency probably.  He put it
> near his ear.  "Yes?  What?  Bartels Boulevard?  Petrified fossil?  A Sabertooth?  And bones
> of...?  And some colorful tiny city all over that...?  With some tiny sentient creatures about the
> size of gnats?  Like fairies with -- with neon wings?

DUN DUN DUNNNN!

> And then he just quietly looked at Net.ropolis.  There were a bunch of young kids in various
> Halloween costumes walking fast down the sidewalk -- with their bags and buckets.  Witches.
> Ghosts.  Goblins.  Revampires.  All ready for some heavy duty trick-or-treating action.
> 
> And he took one of the napkins next to his still untouched Pumpkin Spice Latte and wiped his eyes
> with it.
> 
> And then he smiled.

eeeeeeeeeee. <3 <3 <3

> Breaker (Can't Get a Break at the Lights, Man) is Rob Rogers
> Knifer  (Knife Fight Dude) is mine
> Countdown  (ha don't know)
> Cooker (Steak and Potatoes Man) is John "uplink" Scheibeler's
> Crasher (ha don't know)
> Hitter (ha don't know)
> Grimmer (Grim) and
>      Gritter (Gritty) are Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes's
> Beatdown  (You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad) is mine
> Rocker  (ha don't know)
> Puller (Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad) is mine
> Jacker  (ha don't know)

Ahhhhhh, I see X3 <3

>      Chard the Wiggle-Your-Toes Day Miracle Sperm Whale is...
>               (Wait.  Did I create this character?  I can't believe that... No.  Someone else
>                must have... But who?!)

I thought you did! X>

> Wall Street Reading Werewolf are also all mine

I want to see that guy come back. X>

> Kind of wish it would've been funnier.  I mean back in 2019 when I was doing the first
> one -- I was thinking about how if I did a last one of these I'd set it in some type of
> Apocalypse setting  (Ha!).  And then you know 2020 came and the whole idea of an Apocalypse
> got less and less funny as all that horrible stuff was happening and the world seemed to
> be headed into some End of Times direction.  Also had tons of ideas for what if the LNH
> make this horrible authoritarian type team.  So this is me working out some of that stuff.

Honestly, I think this one has immediately jumped onto the list of my top LNH 
stories of all time. It somehow manages to interlace horror, despair, absurdity, 
goofiness, and warmth in a way that's more than the sum of its parts, and build 
on the previous chapters to unexpectedly connect them and make them 
retroactively meaningful.

> So, do I have any plans for more LNH stories in the future?  Possibly.  Did have this idea
> for JONG Elsewhirl.  Maybe I'll do that next year -- if I can bring myself to do any more
> prose writing.

Heck yeah! :D

> Namer Boy sighed as he put his phone down.  "Well, bad news, folks.  Guess we're getting
> cancelled.  So.  I guess this means..."  He paused for a bit.  "We need to all boycott
> USENETflix!!  And start signing petitions and writing letters!  This complete injustice to Art
> must not stand!!  We can do it people!!"  Namer Boy pumped both fists up in that air and started
> chanting, "Death to USENETflix!  Death to USENETflix!  Death to USENETflix!  We're going to do
> this!!"

YEAH!!!

Drew "password sharing my ass" Nilium