LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #252: Integrity Quest Part Five
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Jul 24 13:59:52 PDT 2022
30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
Here's where you can find the whole Integrity Quest and well as
Amabel Holland's very nice Integrity Quest Companion, which is
well worth a read:
We have the some more Integrity Quest parts.
First off, some more Stepane Andre Savoie -- Will Typo Lad do anything
besides confuse Kid Anarky -- and will Kid Anarky's family successfully
sue him (Kid Anarky that is not -- they're not suing Typo Lad)?!
And next, we have Hubert Bartels -- Did the Butler do it? And what did
the butler do if he did indeed do it?! And is the names Graves perhaps
And lastly another Stepane Andre Savoie part -- Is it time for Panta
to explode into another burst of Bezerker Fury (tm)?! Then again --
when is it not a good time to explode into Bezerker Fury (tm)?!
Let's find out in...
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Integrity Quest Part Five
From: 003695s at ace.acadiau.ca (STEPHANE ANDRE SAVOIE)
Subject: Integrity Quest part4:
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 4
(Lost Cause Boy, Kid Anarky and Panta are standing in from of LNH
Headquarters. Panta has just been given a bell and collar, and our heroes
are trying to decide what to do next (as always). Strangely, the world is
picking up a golden-age feel to it)
Our three heroes are standing bemused in front of the LNH Headquarters
(still!), when a new personage appears from inside the mansion.
"Haii gaiis, yew noo membres luk lyk yoo niid sum hlp." exclaimes the
figure as he bursts from the doorway.
"Lost Cause Boy need the help from no man!"
"I do!!!" expresses Panta, her bell jingling as she bounce up an down
waving her arm (which, in turn, causes other parts of her anatomy to
jingle and bounce as well, which the newcomer gets great pleasure taking
Kid Anarky mutters to himself "Huh? What'd he say? Was that English?"
"i'mm Tyypo Laad, heer tu ofrr eny hlp i cen too yew gies, esspeshally
yoo." states the figure, pointing at Panta.
"Good! Things have been moving kinda slowly. Maybe this'll get things
moving!" says Panta, as Lost Cause Boy can be heard in the background
pouting about not needing help, while Kid Anarky stands there with a
quizzical look on his face.
"Now wait a minute", KA starts, "'i' is 'I', and 'Typo' and 'Lad' I get,
but what does 'heer tu'..."
"So what do you do, beside confuse Kid Anarky?" questionned Panta.
"i creeayt tyypos."
"Sounds kinda dull." stated Panta, quickly loosing interest.
"O, bhut at izent!" quickly protested Typo Lad, distrought with the
possibility of loosing the interest of this incredible creature, but it was
"Umm, excuse me..."
Suddenly, they all noticed a new figure in front of them dressed in a suit.
Lost Cause Boy suddenly appeared in front of the rest of them, striking a
Kirby-esque pose. "Yes, mere mortal, it is I, Lost Cause Boy, and my
assistants. What great news have come to deliver to myself? Mayhaps a lost
civilization to be discovered, bloodthirsty aliens to be fended off, greedy
"No, no I'm here to deliver a message to Kid Anarky." explained the
"But, but.." whimpered LCB.
"Umm, yeah. That's me." Kid Anarky said as he walked around Lost Cause
Boy. "But who could be sending me a message? I just arrived in this
continuum a few episodes ago, and no one from my old one knows I'm here.
"Well, I'm here on the behalf of your wife and children."
"They're suuing you."
"Your wife, Hellen, and your children, Biff and Christine, are suuing for
negligence, and lack of angst over their behalf."
"I'll contact you again in the near future."
"Thank you." With that the suit walks away.
"Hey Anarky, you never mentionned being married or having kids." pouted
Panta (crossing her arms, which, in addition to squeezing her breasts in
a _very_ complimentary manner, caused Typo Lad's eyeballs to oogle out
"You sly dog." commented Lost Cause Boy.
"Hum. R LNGr's evan aloud too haf u familee?" Typo Lad wondered aloud.
"But, but, but... I don't!!" stuttered Kid Anarky.
(Will Kid Anarky ever find out what's going on? Will Lost Cause Boy stop
being totally ignored? Does Typo Lad even stand the tinyest chance of
starting something with Panta? Why did that Zombie Superman / Wolverine
fight promised last episode ever happen? WILL THIS DAMN STORY EVER GET
MOVING??? Read next issue of INTEGRITY QUEST for some answers (although not
to these questions)!!)
Lost Cause Boy (tm) Douglas P. Wojtowicz
Kid Anarky (tm) Steph Savoie
Panta (belled and collared) Hubert Bartels.
From: hgb at catalina.edu (Hubert Bartels)
Subject: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Integrity Quest 4.1
[ In the last issue, Kid Anarky revealed that he was married with two
children. Or maybe not. Kid Typo showed up to welcome them and offer them
help in almost completely confusing sentances composed of typographical
mistakes. The opening scene is STILL in front of the Hall of the LNH. ]
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 5: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
'Chin-ling...' Panta's collar bell rang as she knocked on the Hall
of Legion Hero's huge bronze door. The door opened to reveal an old gentleman,
dressed in a black butler's coat, staring down at her. His nose was a great
beak of bone and flaring nostrils; his eyes glittered in cold disdain for
lesser mortals. "Yeeeess?" His voice rang in a senatorial tone, a sound of
contempt for anyone not born with rank, priviledge, or a Platinum American
Express Card. (Don't Leave the Net without it.)
Panta suddenly noticed that the butler was looking over her at the
three heroes standing behind her. They came closer.
"Mi furinds uant to joen ta Rejon wof Nit,Heeros," Typo Lad said.
"Yeeesss," the Butler answered. "This way pleeeasse." A white gloved
hand opened to point the way inside.
"Hey, this's neat!" Kid Anarky remarked. "Wha'tcha called?" He
sauntered inside, followed by the imposing Kirby-ese figure of Lost Cause Boy.
"I answer to the name of Graves, siiirrr", the Butler said, as he
began to close the heavy bronze door. As Panta started to follow, Graves
stepped in front of her. "No. You. Oouuut!"
"Wuts ta prableam?" Typo Lad said, coming back down the hallway.
"Has IT read the LNH regulations posted outside? Graves said. He
pronunced the word 'IT' with the greatest contempt anyone had ever heard. He
pushed Panta back to the front door and pointed her at a white sign hung just
above her head. "No shirt, no shoes, no service. No mutants," read Graves.
"Do you understand? Then be off with you!" He pushed her out onto the steps
and turned to go. Panta stumbled and fell.
Panta picked herself off the steps and stood up. She brushed herself
off and clenched her hands into furry fists. Her tail flicked back and forth.
Her pretty face was twisted in a snarl, her little fangs were showing.
"Grrr. I'm about to off you, you... you... you... vulture!"
Lost Cause Boy and Kid Anarky came running back outside. "Another
problem?" Lost Cause Boy asked. His eyes flicked from the furious Panta,
to the impassive Graves.
"IT should address IT's concerns to the membership committeeee."
Graves said. "I am merely carrying out the committee's instructions."
"I am going to speak to the membership committee!" Lost Cause Boy
said with a flourish. "Such injustice must be answered with swift and
speedy justice." He turned to Panta who was breathing deeply and slowly,
and whispered. "Never fear, we'll work this out. Don't worry! Right K.A.?"
Panta's deep and slow breathing made her breasts rise and fall
underneath the tight bodysuit in a way that made it hard for Kid Anarky
to think. Beside him, Typo Lad stared at Panta's lithe, tense figure. He
too had difficulty thinking for a moment.
"Come, we must go within." Lost Cause Boy said, throwing a hand
on each shoulder and startling them out of their fantasies. With that,
they turned and followed Graves inside.
The bronze door swung silently shut. Panta sat down on the steps
to wait. The sun began to set behind the tall buildings of Metropolis.Net.
A gaggle of voices caught her attention as she waited. Panta looked
up to see the five remaining thugs of the anti-mutant mob moving towards her.
They seemed to be speaking in quiet, angry voices. Two of them swung chains,
another bore a baseball bat. As they approached the foot of the stairs, one
pointed a gnarled finger at Panta. "Now, with your friends gone, we'll
show you the right way to deal with mutants." He flourished a hemp rope.
"We'll show you the right way to hang one. Right boys?"
Panta stood and turned to them and gave them a long flat look. She
started to mutter something, over and over again. It sounded like, something
like, "I'm the best at what I do. I'm the best at what I do and what I do..."
[Oh no, what's happening to Panta? Will she escape? Will she be allowed into
the Legion of Net Heros? Once DC kills off Superman, will we be able to
parody him into a fight with Marvel's Wolverine? Stay tuned, kiddies! ]
Typo Lad (tm) SCAVENGER
Lost Cause Boy (tm) Douglas P. Wojtowicz
Kid Anarky (tm) Stephane Savoie
Panta (left out in the cold) Hubert Bartels.
From: 003695s at ace.acadiau.ca (STEPHANE ANDRE SAVOIE)
Subject: Integrity Quest part 6
[Story so far: New heroes Panta, Kid Anarky, and Lost Cause Boy have been
joined at the door to LNH headquarters by Typo Lad. While entering, Panta
is stopped at the door for being a mutant. While the rest of the group is
inside dealing with this injustice, a the remains of the anti-mutant mob is
advancing on Panta, and they DON'T want her autograph... Meanwhile, the
scenery seems to be taking a Golden-Age look to it...]
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 6: ONE CLICHE TOO MANY
"I'm the best at what I do... I'm the best at what I do... I'm the best at
what I do... and what I do is... rrrrrAAAAARRRGH!"
Suddenly, in an uncharacteristic explosion of Bezerker Fury (tm), Panta
leaps into the midst of the anti-mutant mob (OK, so there are only 5
people). Chanting that same line over and over...
Momentarily, the others returned.
"Panta, fair feline," said Lost Cause Boy, "the matter has been
settl... Great RAO!"
"O kno! Shii's gun entoo a Bezerker Fury (tm)! Wat ken wee du?" exclaimed
Meanwhile, Panta was tearing into the AMM (Anti-Mutant Mob) like some
"Quickly! We've got do something before she kills them! I'll try
my powers again!"
"Ooo, nice Walt Simonson sound effect. Useless, but nice" commented Lost
"Leave me alone." whimpered Kid Anarky.
"Enough of this. This a job for... ME!" shouted LCB, as he instantly took
a domiating position in the panel.
Opening the pouch to his side, multiple comics instantly flew out, racing
at Panta at bone-crushing, paper-cut inflicting speeds...
"Nu! Yu'l kil hir! End thee craud tu, i ges..." Instantly, Typo Lad kicked
his incredible typo-causing powers into effect.
Deadly onrushing back-issues
Meddley crushing pack-tissues
Fiddler mushing face-tissues
Instantly the deadly litterature dissapeared, leaving behind a confused
fiddler with many scrunched-up kleenex at his feet, whom was instantly
killed by the Savage Panta.
"My back issues! My precious back issues..." Lost Cause Boy instantly
dropped to his nees and started crying in a very Perez/Byrne-Crisis #7/
"CAN'T ANYBODY HELP US?" Yelled Kid Anarky, "Some insignificant characters
are getting killed here (and taking a long time doing it, thank goodness)"
"Look out below!"
Suddenly dropped from nowhere a new costumed figure.
"This looks like a job for... Cliche Dude!"
"Someone else? Geeze this is getting complicated." Commented Kid Anarky.
"Men call me... Cliche Dude!"
"Can you help? We've got a bezerking mutant on out hands." pleaded KA.
"I think so! You see, with great power comes great responsability, and..."
"Shut-up and help! Why does everybody talk so much!" snapped KA.
Acting quickly, approached Panta and, holding her by one shoulder, started
repeating to her "You are not Wolverine. You are Panta. You are not a
licensed character. You do not have a TM, and do not Go Bezerker (tm). Get
ahold of yourself, man...", while slapping her across the face.
"Blood. I've spilled blood..." whispered Panta as she regained her senses.
"D'nt werry abaut at.. a'ts jest red inque." soothed Typo Lad
"How are the civilians, Cliche Dude?" querried Kid Anarky
"They're dead, Jim" replied Cliche Dude.
"This is bad" commented KA.
After Panta had semi-recovered, the others semi-explained to her how they
might have gotten her in by convincing Graves (the butler) that she was, in
fact, a meta-human, not a mutant (tm). Unfortunately, her having Gone
Bezerk (tm) had obliterated any doubt of her mutantness.
"Cleeshay Dood, r u o-key? U hav'nt sed a cleechay n kwyt a wyl."
"Hmm? Oh, sure."
"Wait a minute! That wasn't cliche at all!" commented Lost Cause Boy,
pausing from his contemplation for a moment.
"Umm? I have a headache? It's been a long day? I want my mommy?..."
(What's wrong with Cliche Dude? What's wrong with Panta? Will she go
Bezerk (tm) again? Will Lost Cause Boy ever get over the loss of his
comics? Will Kid Anarky ever deal with his marital problems. Does Typo Lad
still ever stand a chance of getting noticed by Panta? WILL OUR HEROES EVER
MOVE FROM THE DAMNED FRONT DOOR? Do the Writers have any smegging idea
what the heck they're doing? Find out (maybe) in our next episode!)
Typo Lad (tm) SCAVENGER
Lost Cause Boy (registered trademark) Douglas P. Wojtowicz
Kid Anarky (copyright) Stephane Savoie
Panta (patent panding) Hubert Bartels. Copyright, 1994, Hubert Bartels
Next Week: Some more Integrity Quest!!!!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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