LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #233: Holiday Miracle Pet Week and Devil Legion #1

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Feb 13 13:15:02 PST 2022

You can sift through the racc list archive
or you can try google groups racc for these Holdiay Miracle Pet stories.

And it's Holiday Miracle Pet Week -- or at least it was back in some
week of August 2013.  I came up with the idea as a way of being able to
have multiple Holiday Miracle Pets meet up with each other, which considering
how they mostly don't exist past their specific holiday season (well at least
the ones that I created are bound by that) most can't really meet up with each

First we have the Prologue for this Miracle Pet Week by myself (Arthur Spitzer).
Net.ropolis Deputy Mayor Hoss T Age has decided to declare a Holiday Miracle
Pet Week and is throwing a big celebration!  How many (if any) of the Holiday
Miracle Pets will show up?  Will any of the cool ones show up or will it only
be the lame ones?  And can Hoss manage to avoid being kidnapped and held
hostage by terrorists?

And next we have Scott Eiler's Devil Legion #1 the continuing adventures of that
whole Satan's Spine storyline.  Is it a clash of the Holiday Miracle Pets?
Who will live and who will die?  Perhaps everyone?  Perhaps no one?  Will
there be hugs?

Find out in...

             | |      Classic			
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             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #233

               Holiday Miracle Pet Week and Devil Legion #1

From: Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Date: Sun Aug 11 10:22:41 PDT 2013

        Holiday Miracle Pet Week -- a Prologue!!

                   By Arthur Spitzer

Net.ropolis --
August 11, 2013 --

A man stepped out onto a stage set up in the center of RAC.Arthur Park 
surrounded by a vast crowd of people.  The man was Net.ropolis's Deputy 
Mayor.  A Deputy Mayor mostly known for holding the Guinness Book of 
World Record's record for being held hostage more than any other person 
-- ever.  A Deputy Mayor by the name of Hoss T Age.

Deputy Mayor Hoss T Age scanned the crowd nervously trying to spot any 
suspicious terrorist looking types.  Not spotting any, a more reassured 
look took over his face and he adjusted his bow tie.  A then he took a 
scroll out of his pocket and unrolled it.  He cleared his throat and 
began to address the crowd before him.

Wiping a little sweat off his brow he said, "Wow!  Sure is a scorcher 
out here, isn't it?  Anyways, I'd like to thank all of you good citizens 
-- no, I mean -- Great Citizens -- for showing up for the Monumentous 
Event on this very, very hot summer day!!  This day -- which will live 
forever in the Annals of History!!  This day in which we will set aside 
a week of the year for those Greatest Living Heroes -- to celebrate 
their Great -- Greatness!!

"Yes.  You know who I'm talking about!  Those Makers of Miracles.  Those 
Paragons of Pet-itude!!  Yes.  I'm speaking of none other than the Many, 
the Mighty, the -- Holiday Miracle Pets!!!!!!!"  The crowd erupted into 
a roaring avalanche of cheers and 'Woo, Hoos!!!'

       ** -- Holiday Miracle Pet Week!! -- **

Elsewhere --
The Net.Mexico Institute for the Criminally Inane --

The Miracle Pet Catcher gazed up at the prison tv screen and watched the 
events unfolding in Net.ropolis.  "No," he said.  "No.  No.  No.  No! 
No!!  No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, 
NO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted at the top of his 
lungs and tried to hurl himself at the tv set and drag it down from the 
ceiling.  A number of guards grabbed him as he continued to claw at the 
screen and hauled him away.

Plum Master watched as the guards dragged the Miracle Pet Catcher 
kicking, screaming, and frothing at the mouth from the TV Watching Room. 
  And he looked at the plum in his hand and gently stroked it with a 
finger.  "Yes.  Yes.  I agree, Mrs. Plum.  A very, Very disturbed 
individual.  I don't know why they allow sickos like that in here. 
What?  You want me to do what?  Kiss you?  Kiss every single part of 
you.  Well okay, if you insist."

       ** -- Holiday Miracle Pet Week!! -- **

Meanwhile, Back at the Holiday Miracle Pet Week Gathering --

Deputy Mayor Hoss T Age continued to address the crowd.  "Now a lot of 
the top Holiday Miracle Pet Scientists said this couldn't be done.  Not 
Possible!  That Holiday Miracle Pets can only exist in there own 
specific Holiday Season!  That you couldn't say have a Radish in the 
same time and place with a Habanero!  Can't be done!  Well, I say -- 
Hogwash to that and every other scientific thought!!  Today, with the 
Miracle of Holiday Miracle Pet Week you are about to see something that 
no one has ever witnessed before!  Never!!  And on an August day at 
that!  A month in which no Holiday Miracle Pet has showed him or herself 
on -- ever!!"  An aid quickly walked up to the Deputy Mayor and 
whispered something.  The Deputy Mayor gave the aid a 'You've got to be 
kidding me' sort of look and sighed.  "Err.  *Ahem* I mean besides of 
course Chard the Wiggle-Your-Toes Day Miracle Sperm Whale!

"Anyways -- For the First Time Ever on One Stage -- Every Single Living 
Holiday Miracle Pet -- Ever!!!  All on the Same Stage!!!  All of them!!! 
  This is not an Elsewhirl!!!!!"  The crowd started clapping their hands 
while hooting and hollering!!!  The Dave Thomas Deluxe University 
Marching Band began to play the Jefferson Starship song, 'Miracles'!!!! 
  The Deputy Mayor shouted to the stage crew, "Raise the Curtains!! 

And the curtains raised all the way up and revealed a floating chunk of 
rotting meat.  And on that floating chunk of rotting meat was a maggot. 
  A maggot wearing a tiny little Santa hat.  A maggot named -- Parsnip 
the Christmas Miracle Maggot!!  And the rest of the stage was completely 
bare.  Nothing.

The crowd went dead silent.  The marching band stopped playing.  Even 
the crickets refused to chirp.  Everything was quiet.

Deputy Mayor Hoss T Age looked at the stage with horror in his eyes. 
"They're not here?  You said they'd be here!!"  Parsnip pointed out that 
he was here.  "None of them!!!  Even Yam the Thanksgiving Miracle Yak 
couldn't bother to show up?  Really!?  That bastard!!!"

"God!!!  Jesus!!!!" shouted Deputy Mayor Hoss T Age.  "This is a 
Disaster!!  A Complete Disaster!!!!"  He pointed to his aids, "This is 
your fault!!!  Your Fault!!  You're All Fired!!!!!"  And then he looked 
at the crowd.  It was no longer quiet.  The very, very hot, sweaty, and 
angry crowd began shouting various profanities and started to throw 
various rotten vegetables.  "Quick!!  The Dancing Girls!!  Get the 
Dancing Girls out here!!!" he said edging his way quickly off the stage. 
  Parsnip also quickly flew his Rotting Meat.Thingee off the stage to 
avoid being crushed to death by Dancing Girls and Rotten Vegetables.

As Deputy Mayor Hoss T Age quickly made his way to the Deputy 
Mayor-mobile, he focused on the more positive side.  It could have been 
worse.  Much worse!  At least he had managed to avoid being kidnapped by 
terrorists.  At least he wouldn't have to worry about being ransomed for 
huge amounts of money.  At least that hadn't happened!

Of course at about that same time a group of Luxembourgian Liberation 
Fronters popped out of the bushes and dragged him kicking and screaming 
to their van.


Deputy Mayor Hoss T Age, The Miracle Pet Catcher, Plum Master are Free 
For Use characters created by Arthur Spitzer.

Parsnip the Christmas Miracle Maggot and Chard the Wiggle-Your-Toes Day 
Miracle Sperm Whale are created by Arthur Spitzer and can be used Free 
For Use during either their specific Holiday Seasons or during Holiday 
Miracle Pet Week.

Writer's Notes:

And thus Holiday Miracle Pet Week (August 11th to 17th -- and feel free 
to post any story set during this week afterwards if you can't make it 
by this week) begins...

Arthur "And Possibly Ends..." Spitzer

From: Scott Eiler seiler at eilertech.com
Date: Sat Aug 17 20:10:20 PDT 2013

What Has Gone Before:  The Devil Legion from Planet Hell is in 
Net.ropolis!  (Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #56: Satan Wants His Spine 
Back!)  Some of them are going door to door as missionaries.  (Devil 
Missionaries from Planet Hell #1)  The others are exploiting their 
spiritual liberties to do what they will... within two limits.  They're 
confined to Net.ropolis, and their leader took an oath that they act as 

As their key to freedom, they brought a zombie devil dog.  The dog broke 
through spells against devil creatures on the way here.  No one's quite 
sure how.


November 1917:  On a dark and stormy night, the Flying Ace reports to 
Allied headquarters!

General:  "We have an important mission for you, Flying Ace.  The 
Germans are sending a naval zeppelin to reinforce their East African 
forces.  The airship is flying over Central Powers territory all the way 
to Arabia.  Your only chance to fight them over friendly ground will be 
in Tanganyika itself.  So, prepare to go to Africa!"

Flying Ace:  (salutes, and leaves)

General:  "Truly the Flying Ace has few words and much action."

So the Flying Ace has flown his Sopwith Camel from France to Italy, 
Libia, the Anglo-Egyptian Sudan, Kenia, and finally the English bases in 
the conquered part of Tanganyika.  Now, to strike the enemy!

But wait...  a python and a fierce leopard are snarling at him!  What is 
the Flying Ace to do?

The leopard yells,  "Arriba!"  A mariachi band plays in the distance.

... Huh?


Habanero the Fourth of July Miracle Cat found the devil dog in 
Net.ropolis.  He and his one companion confronted the intruder. 
"Arriba!  You call yourself a Miracle Pet!  *Where is your miracle?* 
Will you prove yourself the easy way?  Or are we going to stare at each 
other, fur bristling, and then leap at each other, clawing and 
scratching and biting, until one of us tastes BLOOD!  If your carcass 
still *has* blood, that is."

Parsnip the Christmas Miracle Maggot was with Habanero.  He'd come along 
because it was Miracle Holiday Pet Week, and Habanero told him it was a 
field trip.  He shrugged Yeesh.

But snarls came from outside the Miracle Pets!  Ghosts of a panther, a 
cheetah, and a hyena all came, dragging chains.  The panther spoke, "We 
are the Ghosts of the African Miracle Pets That Could Be!"

Habanero retorted, "No!  You are impostors, like this dead dog!  Africa 
is the land of *free jungle animals*!  Your species cannot be chained 
and *called* pets!"

"Oh?  Africans chain us and call us pets *all the time*."

Parsnip the Miracle Maggot shrugged, Whatever.  So Habanero shrugged and 
said, "Cualquier.  Now, why are you ghosts?  Whose jugular shall I 
pierce in deadly combat in retribution for your untimely deaths?"

"You would have to slash *your own* throat, house cat.  You threaten our 

"What?  This zombie devil dog *saved you*?"

"*Something* saved our ancestors years ago.  A flying warcraft kills 
them all, just to clear its landing field - unless *some* heroic pilot 
scares it off or shoots it down.  This creature wants to do that."

"He can *want*, but how can he *do*?"

"In our present state, we are dreams.  He *has* dreams.  Sometimes, 
dreaming *is doing*."

Parsnip shrugged.  He knew the power of dreams and stories.  He could 
feel the power of stories in the zombie devil dog.

But Habanero was not convinced.  "No!  It is wrong that you who *do not 
exist yet* judge him for what he *might* do!  Who will defend the 
holidays if we allow their defenders to be those who *might* defend them?"

But a chuckling and jingling noise grew from the sky.  A magic jet-ski 
was coming in for a landing!

Two men rode it.  The pilot was a jolly old man with white beard, red 
cheeks, Bermuda shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt.  He chuckled, "Silly 
kitty.  Holidays defend themselves!"

"*Kitty*?!?  Who are *you* to say this?  Or to govern holidays??"

"Ho ho!  You might know me as San Nicolas!"

"Santa?  *The* Santa?"

"Es verdad!  I'm on holiday, so to speak.  Ho ho ho, I *love* your 
Holiday Pet Week!  I love it so much, I brought a friend!  Meet my new 
elf, Zombie Woodrow Wilson!"  A decrepit old man (with major chest 
wounds) shambled off from the back of the jet ski.

Habanero scoffed.  "Now you are, how you say, pulling my leg!  Part of 
my Fourth of July Miracle Power is to know the history of *all* the U.S. 
Presidents, even beyond the grave!  I happen to know that even though 
Zombie Woodrow Wilson was raised by Lich Nixon in LNH Comics Presents 
#506, he lost his powers and his unlife when Nixon was defeated!"

"Ho ho ho!  Have you ever heard of a zombie that become *not* a zombie?"

"Asi, no."

"Well then.  I assure you, Zombie Woodrow Wilson went back to his grave 
as a zombie!  He slept there, for he had no master.  But I *woke him 
up*, so he could resume his command role!"  Santa turned to the zombie 
dog.  "Zombie World War One Flying Ace, *report to your zombie commander!*"


The President himself is there at the airbase, alongside the jungle 
creatures!  The Flying Ace salutes.  The President salutes back.

The President's python hisses, ".....!"

The Flying Ace understands!  He responds, "|||||!"

"....... ...., ...... ...!"

"||||| |||!"


Habanero turned to Parsnip.  "Are you *talking* to the zombie dog?"


"Ah, right.  What does he say?"

".. .... .....!"

Habanero said, "... Cualquier.  If Santa *and* Parsnip will vouch for 
you, I must now *admit* you, Limabean the Richthofen's Birthday Miracle 

The ghost panther said, "Good.  You may see us again.  Look for 
Bloodfruit the Miracle Panther."  The ghost jungle Miracle Pets faded away.

Habanero shrugged.  "I suppose the ghosts can pick their holiday when 
they return.  But as for *you*, Zombie Miracle Beagle, you must complete 
your work on Earth *this week* and then return to your resting place 
until your holiday comes!"

Parsnip translated, ".. .... ... ... .. ....!"



The President's python advisor says, the Flying Ace will get down time 
after this mission!  The other jungle creatures back away.

The Flying Ace launches his Sopwith Camel for one last mission before 
he's off to his Holiday Hangar.  Let the Germans beware!



At the makeshift warehouse headquarters of the Devil Legion, Devil Ass 
Boy fumed - in the manner of the Devil's Ass itself.  He stank of 
brimstone.  Devil Ear Girl squirmed.

Devil Ass Boy exclaimed, "We need the beast to break the barrier again! 
  Where *is* that damned dog?"

"No one's seen him lately!"

"Well, *yeah*.  We don't *have* the *Eye* of Satan here.  What have you 

"There are some rumors that the Risen Beast became a *true* holiday pet 
by the laws of this universe."

"What the Hell does *that* mean?"

"He'll next appear on his holiday.  May 2, 2014.  And we won't know 
where, until it happens."



Author's Notes:

I find myself with magical extra time to write stories, even with 
Powernaut 2005 Party 'Til The World Obeys in full swing. 
(http://www.eilertech.com/stories/powernaut/2005b.htm ) So, the devil 
dog of the Devil Legion returns!  That's what RACC gets for declaring a 
challenge about Super Pets...

I needed a concept in addition to Super Pets to get this story moving. 
So I brought out Plot Thread 2013b.40 from my personal generator:  World 
War I in East Africa.  The zeppelin mission is actual history, at least 
if you trust Wikipedia. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_African_Campaign_(World_War_I)  ... 
The zeppelin was scared away before completing its mission.

I researched what Africans consider to be pets.  Apparently Africans 
will chain *anything* and call it a pet!  That actually explains some 
old Kraven the Hunter comics.

Heh, this challenge got some LNH'y discussion of Holiday Pets going. 
After much discussion it was decided that all Holiday Pets may team up, 
for one week in August which roughly corresponds to this High Concept 
Challenge.  Habanero the Fourth of July Cat was always important to the 
story.  I've decided to put in Parsnip the Christmas Maggot too, thanks 
Arthur.  I love that Parsnip and Limabean both speak Woodstock-ese.  I 
could tell you *most* of what they're saying, but that would break the 
Mystery of the Miracle Pets.  You probably get the idea anyway.

I hope I have properly carried on the stories of the various characters 
involved.  We have here:

*  Limabean the Richtofen's Birthday Miracle Beagle:  Scott Eiler, 
inspired by Charles Schulz.  Free For Use, but you may have to wait 
until Richtofen's Birthday now.

*  Habanero the Fourth of July Miracle Cat:  RACC-Con 2012 (I can look 
up which of us technically created him, but then all of us fleshed out 
the concept)

*  Parsnip the Christmas Miracle Maggot:  Arthur Spitzer

*  LNH Santa!  I believe he was adapted by Arthur Spitzer, so as to be 
strapped to a nuclear warhead for the holidays.  Yay, Arthur!

*  Zombie Woodrow Wilson:  Rob Rogers

(signed) Scott Eiler  8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------

When you *are* the leader... whatever goes wrong... whether you did it
or not... *you* are held responsible. - Barack Obama

I know. - Archie Andrews

- from Archie #617, March 2011, scripted by Alex Simmons.

Next Week:  Something LNH related -- I suppose?

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer 

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