LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #256: The Cosmic Conspiracy The Conlusion
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Aug 21 14:18:36 PDT 2022
30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
Here's where you can find the whole The Cosmic Conspiracy (as well
as other Continuity Champ stories:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Continuity.Champ/
And we've got the last parts of The Cosmic Conspiracy by Jeff "Drizzt"
Barnes -- Is it finally time for Dr. Killfile to fully absorb all of
Continuity Champ's powers and use those powers to wipe the LNH and the
Looniverse off of the Net thus restoring USENET back to being a place
where people can have SERIOUS comic discussions without all those goofy
LNH stories mucking up the works? And does that mean I can finally retire
from dong these Classic LNH Adventures (okay -- guess all that is probably
not going to happen since there seem to be a bunch of other LNH stories
after it on the LNH Timeline -- Darn It!)
But let's find out in...
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #256
=====================
The Cosmic Conspiracy The Conclusion
=====================
CHAPTER SEVEN:
The two guards at the Cult headquarters were shocked to see
the sherriff, Festus Clint, stagger down the street to the base.
Bruised and bloodied, he was a mess.
"Sherriff! What happened?" one said, reaching to help the
staggering lawman.
Clint pushed away his helping hands. "I kin take care'a
myself, boy!" He straightened up slightly. "I'll tell ya whut
happened - it was that Continuity Champ fella! Took my entire task
force down! We got his partner, though. But he plumb near'n
shoved muh rifle down muh throat!"
The guards glanced at each other. "We'd better tell the
Doctor."
"Naw, no need fer that. I'm headed fer the armory, then I'm
gonna go tell Killfile my own self." He looked up, a wicked gleam
in his eye.
The guards allowed the battered sherriff in.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Clint finally reached the armory. He fished around in his
pocket for his clearance card and slid it across the scanner.
"Please identify," a mechanical voice said.
"Sherriff Festus Clint," he growled.
"Pattern is incorrect. Access denied."
The figure glared at the computer.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A loud explosion from within the base drew the attention of
the two guards on duty. It came from the area of the armory -
where Clint was going. They picked up their pace.
Ralph arrived first. He surveyed the door. It was blackened
and twisted, as though a powerful energy blast had ripped through
it. He peered inside, into the gloom, but could see nothing.
He turned back to his companion, a man who would be called
stocky by the charitable, as he wheezed after the exertion of
running to the armory. "Earl, there don't seem to be-" His words
broke off as powerful hands clamped over his mouth and pulled him
into the darkness.
"Ralph!" The hefty Cultist drew his phaser pistol and
cautiously looked through the hole, shining his flashlight to
illuminate the room.
He saw nothing, but just them his light came upon his friend
sprawled unconscious on the floor.
A finger tapped his shoulder, and his blood changed to ice.
He turned fearfully to see Continuity Champ. "Your call," the
gaudily-attired hero said.
"Ummm... I surrender?"
"Good choice."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
After he had tied up the two guards, CC began to gather
weapons. He had been forced to resort to disguising himself as the
late sheriff due to his relatively weakened power level. Killfile
had drained off a great deal of his power, as well as opening
wounds that had only recently begun to heal after Cry.Sig. His
adrenaline burst had allowed him to use his powers, but had left
him weakened even more.
He hefted a plasma cannon and strapped on a final ion pistol.
He was ready for Killfile at last.
As he started down the hall, he heard voices from ahead,
coming his way. No! Not when he was so close. Then the Cultists
rounded the corner. Eight of them. He level his rifle and fired.
His first shot took two of them. One, a ninja, drew a sword
and advanced. CC slammed the maggot with the rifle barrel, sending
him into a deep sleep. Three others advanced on him, but his
powerful weapons dispatched them into unconsciousness. Another
tried to run away, but the Champion sent a plasma bolt his way.
Seven. Where was the other? He looked around.
Suddenly, from behind him, a thud thudded, the sound of wood
on bone. He whirled to see a staff-carrying orange-skinned man
with a red cape.
"Basic-Mysterious-Cosmic-Dude," he muttered, keeping his rifle
trained on the newcomer.
"What, no thanks for me watching out for your back?"
"The only reason you'd stop someone from stabbing me in the
back is so you could put your own knife there."
"I'm hurt."
"No, but you will be," the Legionnaire promised.
The Dude sighed. "You still haven't forgotten that time on
Arcturus."
"And I never will. You left me to die!" He aimed his rifle.
"How did you survive the Death gem?"
"Oh, I didn't. But the politics of the afterlife is
fascinating. You really must visit sometime..."
The Champion lowered his weapon. "Go away. Leave me alone."
"If that's what you want." He stepped back into the shadows
and disappeared.
Continuity Champ continued his stealthy pace toward Dr.
Killfile's quarters.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
He stealthily opened the door. Not even a creak. The Doctor
sat at his desk, his back toward the Champ. Good, this would be
easier than he'd even dared hope.
"Ah, good, you're here at last. Now we can begin." Killfile
swiveled his chair around to face the LNHer.
"Killfile, you're going to pay."
The doctor waved away the threat. "Yes, yes, 'vengeance shall
be served' and all that rot. You're just in time to witness me
process and assimilate your power."
His trigger finger touched the trigger. "Over my dead body."
"Well, yes, that was the plan." CC felt arms that were
neither liquid nor solid wrap around him from behind. He had
forgotten about the android Obscure Trivia Lad under Killfile's
control!
He twisted the rifle to where it was pointing at his stomach.
He glanced down. Nah, no way he was going to blow a hole in
himself just to hit OTL. He managed to get the weapon pointed to
where it would blast his captor and pulled the trigger.
The blast hit the android and weakened his grip enough for CC
to wrench himself free of its grasp, but he lost the rifle. He
dove to the floor and drew his pistol as he rose. The android
flowed toward him, assuming OTL's shape again.
"I've got one surprise left," he muttered, calling upon his
powers. He knew he might overtax himself so that he would have
very little left for Killfile, but there was no other way. He
manipulated the android, freezing him in place for a second. An
ion blast blew him backwards, immobilizing him in a silvery puddle
for a while.
He turned to see Killfile at a machine, his wrist controller
plugged into it. "Hahaha, you're too late, hero!" He flipped a
switch.
CC had just enough time to hit the ground as the machine
exploded in a light as bright as the sun.
CHAPTER EIGHT:
Continuity Champ crawled out from under the wreckage of the
fallen ceiling. Parts of the underground lair's structure had
collapsed due to the tremendous energies released from the burst.
Dr. Killfile stood before him, his skin glowing with an
unearthly radiance and a look of rapture set on his face. "So much
power," he murmured to himself.
The Champion started forward, hoping to stop Killfile before
he had fully assimilated the celestial energies he had stolen. The
evil doctor, however, noticed the LNHer. He smiled evilly and
waved his hand.
Continuity Champ felt his muscles begin to stiffen. As he
struggled to keep moving, his body began to freeze in place.
Dr. Killfile laughed at CC's futile attempts. "My dear, dear
Champion," he purred, "you just won't give up until you're dead,
will you?"
The Champion noticed Obscure Trivia Lad struggling to his feet
behind Killfile. The explosion had destroyed his control device;
with it gone, OTL would be free to attack him. CC tore his gaze
back to the doctor and renewed his struggling against the holding
field.
Killfile's smile twisted into an evil glare. "This is my
moment of triumph, you cretin! You should bow before me! Accept
your fate, worm! You are powerless before my might! I am power
incarnate! Now and forever, I AM KILLFILE!"
Obscure Trivia Lad struck him from behind. The doctor fell to
his hands and knees. "You ungrateful wretch," he spat at the
android. "I would have made you my lieutenant, my right hand." He
stood slowly. "A pity I must destroy you."
A flash of energy nearly blinded CC. Somewhere, he heard a
thud. When his vision cleared, Killfile had grown to be ten feet
tall and was holding Obscure Trivia Lad by the neck.
The giant nerd laughed. "You surely didn't think you'd win,
did you? Hahahahaha!"
With the doctor's concentration focused on OTL, the Champ felt
the holding field fade. He was free!
And he had a plan, one which might well stop Killfile.
Killfile shook Obscure Trivia Lad like a rag doll, laughing
madly. Obscure Trivia Lad was unable to use his new shapeshifting
powers; Killfile had blocked them.
Finally, the doctor grew tired of tormenting the android.
"Away with you," he cried, and hurled OTL's form. He struck the
wall with incredible force, but, even worse, he hit an electrical
box. Electricity flowed through his prone form.
Killfile turned, only to see that Continuity Champ was gone.
"Good," he laughed heartily, "a test of my new powers. You
cannot hide from me, my good Champion." He began to use his
celestial senses to track CC's flight...
...when he felt arms lock around him from behind, catching him
in a full nelson. He struggled against his would-be captor,
unamused for the first time. But Continuity Champ held firm, his
weary muscles powered with a strength born of desperation.
"You fool! I'll vaporize you!" The doctor twisted one arm so
as to blast the Champ. Power began to emanate from the limb.
CC only smiled. "You've made your first - and last - mistake,
Killfile."
Killfile's new smile faded, as he felt his energies weaken.
"No," he said huskily. "What are you doing to me?"
"You didn't think you'd be able to hold my power forever did
you? My power is as much a part of me as your hands are to you,"
he snickered, leeching away more of his power.
"Nooooo!" Killfile flopped about like a fish on land, but it
was no use. As more of the Champion's power returned to him, his
strength grew and his wounds healed faster. CC felt his cosmic
powers return in a rush he had not felt in weeks.
As the last of his energies returned, he noticed that Killfile
had passed out from the strain. While CC had no compunctions about
killing in the line of duty when it could not be averted, he was
not a cold-hearted or cold-blooded murderer. On the other hand, he
could not let the doctor just go free; he might retain a part of
the cosmic awareness he had siphoned from the Champ. As he looked
around for a solution, the Champion's gaze fell upon a perfect
answer to his dilemma, one which would punish Killfile and make
sure he would be a threat no longer.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Within an hour, Killfile had been dealt with and CC had
returned to find Obscure Trivia Lad regaining consciousness.
"How do you feel?" he asked the android gruffly.
OTL shook his head slightly. "Obscure Trivia Lad feels as
though Obscure Trivia Lad has lost his cosmic powers."
"Perhaps Killfile blocked them and it hasn't worn off yet."
"No, Obscure Trivia Lad does not think so. Obscure Trivia Lad
thinks it may be because of that electrical box he was hurled
into."
Continuity Champ looked down at his official Time-Waster Lad
wristwatch. "It looks like it's past time to go. Waaay past time,
as a matter of fact; this miniseries was due to be over a month
ago. Can you fly?"
"Obscure Trivia Lad thinks Obscure Trivia Lad still possesses
that and a few other cosmic powers.
As the two Legionnaires flew off toward the setting sun, a
thought struck one of them.
"Obscure Trivia Lad has a question."
"Yes?" CC sighed. "What now?"
"What did you do with Killfile?"
Under the mask, the Champion smiled wickedly. "I put him
somewhere where he'll be comfortable for a long time."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Killfile awoke, his whole body racked with pain. His stomach
felt as though someone had turned it inside out. His temples
throbbed mercilessly. He groaned in pain and tried to move, only
to find himself tied down with leather straps to a table.
His motions, however, activated a video monitor within his
line of sight. It snapped on. Continuity Champ's masked
countenance appeared. "Hello, Killfile. For your crimes, you
deserve to suffer, but I will not murder you. I've arranged a
suitable... alternative instead."
"I'm sure you recognize the machine you're hooked up to. It's
your EXTRACTor, with a few modifications of mine."
"No," the doctor breathed, his eyes as big as saucers.
"Oh, yes," the recorded image replied. "You see, it will feed
you intravenously for quite some time, allowing your body to live.
Your mind... well, you know the nasty habit the EXTRACTor has of
erasing memories..."
"Your cultists may return in time to find what's left of you.
I'd advise you to spend what little time you'll have left with your
mental facilities to switch religions." The screen faded to black,
and the machine began to hum.
"No," Killfile said again, thrashing against his bonds. "No!
Noooooooooo!" His screams echoed throughout the devastated base,
but no one was left to hear them. No one at all.
THE END (at last)
--
------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Barnes | "If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can
barnejd at wkuvx1.wku.edu | he garnish his wages?" --Bruce Baum
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Next Week: The Origin of Cannon Fodder!
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Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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