LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #145: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Epilogue
pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu May 14 23:18:23 PDT 2020
On 3/29/2020 5:24 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> And #502 the epilogue of all this is by me, Arthur Spitzer. Cannon Fodder
> returns to find a very wrecked LNHHQ and Net.ropolis -- but will the
> Ultimate Ninja have a vast slide show of all the fun stuff he did while on
> vacation to take our minds off of the Countdown to Beige Midnight?!
> What disturbed Footnote Girl about the Alt.Imate Ninja, more
> than anything, was the way the robot half of it never stopped
> moving. Tiny machines skittered across its face like ants; the
> dermal plates protruding from its chest and cheekbones wavered and
> grew like uncertain icebergs, and the whole cabled, transistored
> expanse of it seemed to be feeding on the other half in a way that
> made her stomach turn.
Daaaaaaaah body horror D: Nice
> Footnote Girl dove for cover behind a dog-shaped jungle gym
> as the Legionnaire opened fire on Alt.Imate Ninja. Eyes stinging
> from the clouds of cordite smoke, she watched, amazed, as the
> cyborg warrior spun his staff like a roulette wheel, deflecting
> each of the thousands of bullets before it could strike.
Oh, that's rad
> "A ninja's power and skill level increases inversely with the
> number of ninjas involved in a fight scene," said Sister State-the-
> Obvious, helping Footnote Girl move the fallen hero. "An army of
> ninjas is cannon fodder, but a lone ninja is almost invincible."
What if Cannon Fodder is a ninja, tho
> "The largest heart this entity has so far encountered," Alt.
> Imate Ninja said, as WikiBoy fell, sputtering chainsaw still
> clutched in his hand.
HOLY FUCK (but also d'awwwww)
> "What are we supposed to do?" Footnote Girl asked, as the
> Alt.Imate Ninja's foot slammed into Jo Nysegi 's stomach. "If the
> ninja rule makes him invincible, than the only thing that could
> stop him would be..."
> The smoke and mist surrounding the Alt.Imate Ninja fell apart
> as a dozen arrows spiraled toward it. The ninja's hands moved as a
> blur, shattering the shafts of all of the arrows save one, which
> lodged in its wrist.
> "Would be another ninja," Ordinary Lady said, touching a fresh
> arrow to her bowstring as she and Cheesecake Eater Lad walked
> across the field.
> "I defeated robotic duplicates of the two of you yesterday,"
> the cyborg said, as the two heroes advanced.
That's the other rule, robotic duplicates are always easier to defeat.
> "That's the funny thing about being a big fat guy in a chef's
> hat," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said, a samurai sword in his hands.
> "People always assume you'll be a pushover. Jean?"
> "Let's take him out," she said, firing.
> "Master Blaster... told me... to 'grow a pair' when he...
> edited me," said an ashen-faced WikiBoy. "I already had... what he
> meant... so I thought... an extra heart might... come in handy."
> "Don't worry," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad, getting to his feet.
> "I've got something that ought to release his human side, if I can
> get close enough to use it. I have a special place in my heart
> for food service employees."
> Traffic began to move. The two fighters flowed from cartop to
> cartop like a pair of dancers, Alt.Imate Ninja's two swords raining
> blows upon Ordinary Lady's blade.
There are SO MANY good visuals in this.
> You want to be
> doing what other teenage pizza delivery boys do... driving around,
> developing acne, accidentally wandering into the sets of
> pornographic films..."
> Alt.Imate Ninja wavered for a moment, beads of sweat appearing
> on the human side of his forehead.
> "That's the opening I needed!"
> "Don't worry!" Bad-Timing Boy said. "A blast of water ought to
> take care of that robot once and for all!"
> "No!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad said, but it was too late. Bad-
> Timing Boy doused the Alt.Imate Ninja with a torrent of water,
> sending the puddle of grey goo into the windshield of a car in the
> next lane and reviving the cyborg ninja.\
> "You should have eaten the cheesecake," Ordinary Lady said,
> raising her sword for another attack. "No telling what they'll be
> serving in hell."
> SCANNING... said Alt.Imate Ninja's internal display. CHECKING
> INTERNAL DATABASES FOR INFORMATION ON THREAT POTENTIAL OF UNKNOWN
> LEGION OF NET.HEROES.... NO MATCHES FOUND
> ALT.RIDERS... NO MATCHES FOUND
> DVANDOM FORCE... NO MATCHES FOUND
> NEW MISFITS... NO MATCHES FOUND
> NET.TRENCHCOAT BRIGADE...
> "I'm not much on introductions," the man said, throwing open
> his trenchcoat and lifting a submachine gun. "But you should
> know that. After all, you're a ninja. And I'm just a guy. In a
> trenchcoat. Fighting ninjas!"
oh my *god* XD
> "Fearless Leader! Of course!" Mynabird said. "If there was
> one among your number who could pose a challenge to me now, with
> victory so close at hand, it would, of course, be you!"
> "Hey!" wReamHack said. "I'm here too, you know."
> "Very well," Mynabird said, as the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite
> activated the "Dramatic Confrontation Music" button on his control
> panel. The sound of Journey's "Separate Ways" blared through his
> armor's loudspeakers. "Destroy Fearless Leader... and his
> irritating IT support staff!"
> "That's more like it," wReamHack said,
XD XD XD
> "Captain Continuity!" Londonbroil said, as the caped hero
> walked, unharmed, through the conflagration and pinched shut the
> nozzle of the flamethrower. "I don't believe it."
> "Nor do I," Mynabird said. "This business of having one
> previously unseen hero come to rescue another at the very last
> moment is becoming altogether too repetitive in this episode."
> Captain Continuity stared upward as every flight.thingee, jet,
> helicopter, tank and miscellaneous vehicle in the Legion's motor
> pool roared out of the building like a swarm of angry bees. The
> stream of vehicles swirled around the ruins of Four-Color Square --
> and then, driven by the unseen will of the Melissa virus, linked
> bumpers, grilles and landing gear together to become a six-story
> humanoid robot.
> "Huh," Londonbroil said, staring up at the towering robot as it
> slammed a fist -- formed from Teenfactor's Teencruiser -- into
> Captain Continuity. "Call me a critic, but it seems like it would
> have been more effective to have all of those cars and spaceships
> and things attacking individually."
> "Maybe," said wReamHack, as Captain Continuity struggled
> against the pressure of the enormous metal fist. "But this is
> so... much... cooler."
> "I'm trying to... WHAT THE HELL?!" gasped Vector Prime, utterly
> flabbergasted as Nudist Man popped out of a nearby garbage can like
> a naked, giggling Oscar the Grouch.
> "Howdy-do!" Nudist Man said, as Vector Prime screamed and the
> sky began raining vehicles.
> "You may have defeated my, er, virus," Mynabird said, placing
> his hands on his hips -- and then pulling them away just as
> quickly, since his palms were still steaming from the plasma bolts
> he'd fired at Captain Continuity.
> "You may even think you have me surrounded," the armored
> mastermind continued. "But that's because you hadn't counted on
> the arrival of my squadron of SINGING MONKEY PIRATES!"
> "Just heard from J. Random Kiwi," wReamHack said, showing the
> message on his BlackBerry to Fearless Leader. "He reports that his
> team of Kiwi Kommandoes has utterly routed the monkey pirates near
> the entrance to the harbor."
> "Monkeys fighting kiwis? And we missed it?" said a man in a
> black turtleneck and beret, who had been filming the confrontation
> through an unusual-looking camera.
> He looked up and swatted the heavy-set man beside him.
> "Gaffer, you're supposed to tell me about these kind of things!
> That would have gotten us into Cannes for sure..."
> "I can't even shoot powerful beams out of my hands?" the
> Easily-Discovered Bran Mite grumbled. "How hardcore can I be?
XD XD XD
> "Thirty seconds to meltdown," said the voice of Scarlett
> Johansson, as the number "30" appeared in large red digital
> letters on all four of the monitors in front of the console.
> Another panel on the console irised open, and a bottle of 12-
> year-old scotch rose out of the opening, accompanied by a glass
> tumbler filled with ice. "Happy Trails" began playing over the
> helmet's loudspeaker.
> "Here's to you, Arachne," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said,
> pouring himself a glass of scotch as the red number dropped to
Must hug ;.;
> "Even my power to appear naked in unexpected places is having
> no effect," Nudist Man said.
> "Hey, wait a minute," said Lite, who had been in the process
> of suggesting to Ripping Dancer what the two of them should do
> with their last moments on earth together. "What do I have to do
> with any of this?"
> The Easily-Discovered Bran Mite stared at the boy long and
> hard through the viewports of the Mynabird helmet before smashing
> the glass tumbler of scotch against the image and switching off
> the self-destruct mechanism.
omg X3;;;;;; I'm so sorry dude
> "Okay, everybody," Fearless Leader said, as Mynabird's force
> field wavered out of existence. "Let's take him in... and let's do
> it by the book."
> As Librarian Lady passed copies of "Capturing Dark Overlords
> for Dummies" by Gamer Boy throughout the group of heroes, however,
> "If only we'd gotten these books sooner," Bad-Timing Boy
> lamented. "He talks about the whole 'villain escaping through
> a disappearing door' situation right here on page 28."
> "It doesn't matter what Gamer Boy thinks.
> Ultimate Ninja did not return the bow. His head turned from
> left to right, taking in the broken, blackened lobby of Legion
> Headquarters, the bruised and bloodied faces of the Legionnaires
> around him, the fires still burning on the horizon in the city
> "You are relieved of your command," he said, passing Fearless
> Leader on his way into the building without another word.
What an asshat >:/
> Father Brown smiled. "Nor can I. But the Legion's robot
> duplicator machine could -- and while most of its creations were
> destroyed by you and your companions, one duplicate, a failed
> prototype, did not take part in the rebellion. We found it
> wandering through the headquarters hallways, searching for bamboo."
> Another monk led what appeared to be a giant panda dressed in a
> ninja costume, looking placidly at the group of gathered villains.
> "Rrrr?" the Ultimate Panda said.
> Cannon Fodder opened up his eyes.
> Was it all a dream -- Some horrible nightmare?
> He was back in the Peril Room.
> He looked at the Peril Room. Cracks. Scorch marks. Wires hanging out.
> He stood up. And walked out of the room.
> Time to look at the world again.
> Time to live again.
This is *extremely* good.
> "Yeah. I need you to retrieve Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad out of the
> Peril Room teleportation hard drive.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that. <3
> "Well, got to go see UN." Cannon Fodder started to head out the door
> and then hesitated. "You know. I was wondering if we could get the
> gang back together again. You, me, Cheesecake Eater Lad, and Parking
> Karma Kid. Just have dinner sometime. Maybe this week?"
> "Deductive Logic Man. I want you find out who these supervillains were
> that broke out with Bart. And I want you to find out what Bart's been
> doing in the last 10 years."
> Deductive Logic Man nodded. "Will do."
Ah yes, there he is
> "Look if I may interrupt here," broke in Irony Man. "Where were you,
> Ultimate Ninja? When all of this was happening? You were missing for
> 465 days! What were you doing that was so important that you couldn't
> check back to see what was happening here!?"
> "During the first 30 or so days I was fishing. As for the rest of the
> days -- that cannot be revealed. Not yet. But it was very important,
> Irony Man. And it needed to be done. I'm sorry, but that is all I can
I have an idea as to what this was but no idea if I'll ever write it. X3
> "These days I don't seem to agree with Irony Man about much of
> anything," Catalyst Lass said. "But I think he's right. We need a
> leader right now that the Legion can put its full trust into. And maybe
> that leader is the Ultimate Ninja. And maybe it isn't."
> "Yes. When Bart the Receptionist's time pills seized me and heaved me
> to the future I discovered a coded message within the Looniversal
> Answering Machine. A coded message left by the LNH that died."
> "I cannot reveal it all at this moment, but I can say that if we are
> going to succeed in saving the LNH and the Looniverse you must find the
> Book of Deus ex Machinas!"
Knowing how this is gonna turn out: Huh.
> "Yeah, kind of. He was this religious leader. Head of the Church of
> the Dvandom. Won a Nobel Prize for Peace.
It is *amazing* to see wReamicus described like this, and taking advantage of
the rushed ending to Birth of a Villain is amazing.
> "Yeah. It's a shame all right. Murder weapon appears to be a Ginsu
> Katana. Hmm. Appears to be inscribed. 'Property of the Ultimate
> Ninja'. Hmm. There could be clue in that."
> "You might be right. Don't suppose that could also be related?" The
> thin detective pointed to a blood splattered text on the wall that said
> 'I Am The Ultimate Ninja!!! Be Afraid!!!!'
(I'm surprised these aren't Sergeant and Kidd~)
> Organic Lass laughed. "Yeah, we could all use some. At least as events
> go it wasn't a Flame Wars IV or something like that. It could be worse."
> "I freed you from their cages! And I led you in battle against the LNH!
> And we won! Oh sure, they weren't actually the LNH -- they were just
> robot duplicates that looked like the LNH and had the same powers as the
> LNH. But. That's beside the point. They could have been the LNH! And
> do you know why we won?"
> "Umm -- because they were robot duplicates and not the LNH?" responded
> one of villains in the crowd.
> "No! Because of teamwork! Because we were all united for one purpose!
I mean, six of one, right?
> And because of my brilliant leadership of course -- although my own
> modesty prevents me from pointing that out. But we did that with just
> 300 or so villains. Think of what we could do with a thousand villains.
> And right now as I speak there are jails filled with our brothers and
> sisters, each one crying out for salvation. And not just jails on our
> planet, but jails on other worlds. We are going break into every single
> prison and free them all.
I mean, I do appreciate the prison abolition vibe. I'm pretty sure that no
matter how bad the dudes in the Ultimate Black Hole are, nobody should be in a
place called the Ultimate Black Hole.
> "We are going to destroy Easily Discovered Man Lite once and for
> all!!!!! Yes!!!! Destroy HIM!!!! Die, Easily Discovered Man Lite!!!
> DIE!!!! Muhahhahahahahahahh!!!!!!!!!!" Mynabird pumped both of his
> fists in the air.
> Silence filled the room as the collective group of villains all had
> blank stares on their collective faces. Crickets chirped in the background.
> "And -- oh yeah -- Destroy the LNH too. Well that goes without saying
> -- I mean really what kind of lunatic would create a vast supervillain
> army just for the purpose of destroying one single superhero. Not me.
> Nope. What I'm trying to say is -- umm -- Death to the LNH!! Yes,
> Death to the LNH!!!"
heeheeheehee <3 <3 <3
> Irony Man looked at the screen in front of him. He was back in his
> room. On the screen was a video image of President Hexadecimal Luthor.
> "It's done, Hex. The election is go."
DUN DUN DUNNNN!
> Irony Man shook his head and looked away from the screen. "I don't
> know, Hex. I don't know if it matters anymore. Any of this. What
> we're doing. Something bad is coming, Hex."
> "Yes. Something that could destroy everything. Everyone. You. Me.
> Everything. Dekay and Diskolor are returning."
Huh. I thought this was why Toony made this deal in the first place... maybe it
gets explained more later~
> The date on the paper was July 1st, 1992. It was the week Beige Noon
> had happened. This newspaper contained an obituary for Irony Man and
> Mainstream Man. He had died with millions of other people. He flipped
> to the page that contained his obituary. It listed all of the things he
> had achieved in life. It made him sound like a decent caring human
> being. It made him sound like a hero.
God, Arthur's so good at characterizing Irony Man.
> Irony Man sighed to himself and put the paper on his bed. He dug
> through the box and took out a picture. It was picture taken before
> Beige Noon of all of the LNH'rs. Everyone was so young back then. Just
> a bunch of stupid teenagers who thought they could solve all of the
> world's problems. That they could make a difference. That they could
> change the world. Stupid.
> But they didn't change the world. The world changed them.
> Irony Man looked through the faces.
> Kid Yesterdaze. Retired.
> Bibliography Boy. Retired.
> Rebel Yell. Gone.
> Four Color Kid. Dead.
> Comic Snob Boy. Fallen. Dead.
God. This is extremely good.
> "Yeah, I'm sure we will. It's the LNH. We can handle anything."
> Fearless Leader wanted to believe what he'd just said, but that wasn't
> going to happen. Fearless Leader looked at his steak. The color seemed
> wrong. The color of everything seemed wrong. He looked back at Ripping
> Dancer. "Your dress. It's torn."
> "Oh, that's my power. Hard to control. Are you all right?"
> "It's the color. Everything's faded. It's -- Tara. Your face."
> Fearless Leader saw what looked like a crack on Ripping Dancer's
> forehead. "Tara, there's something wrong with your face!"
> "No. Get away from me! Don't touch me!" Ripping Dancer got out of her
> chair. Parts of her body started to crumble off. Flake away.
Maaaaaaaan! The sense of *palpable dread* and surreality!
> What date was it? What was the date? Fearless Leader saw a yellowish
> paper on the floor. Even as he grabbed it, the paper started to crack.
> He looked at the date. April 29, 2008. No. It couldn't be. Not
> this soon. He wasn't prepared.
Oh sweetie. Must hug.
> He buried his head into his pillow. He shut his eyes.
> But he couldn't go back to sleep as much as he tried.
> Goddamn dreams.
> Damn them to hell.
And that's the origin story of the Dream-Slayer!
> 1,001,992 BC...
> Ancient Qwerty...
Meanwhile, a million years ago!
> A girl who looks quite a bit like Ripping Dancer dances for him. The
> man on the throne ignores the girl and gazes at two small cubes, which
> are in the palm of his hand. 1,003,999 years from now these small cubes
> will be called LNH Dice. He tosses the dice to the ground and laughs.
> This sure beats getting the Ultimate Ninja coffee, Bart thinks grinning
> to himself. And the fun's only getting started.
DUN DUN DUNNNNN!
Drew "so many cliffhangers" Nilium
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