LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #145: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Epilogue

[Drew Nilium]

On 3/29/2020 5:24 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> And #502 the epilogue of all this is by me, Arthur Spitzer.  Cannon Fodder
> returns to find a very wrecked LNHHQ and Net.ropolis -- but will the
> Ultimate Ninja have a vast slide show of all the fun stuff he did while on
> vacation to take our minds off of the Countdown to Beige Midnight?!

Spoilers: No

>      What disturbed Footnote Girl about the Alt.Imate Ninja, more
> than anything, was the way the robot half of it never stopped
> moving.  Tiny machines skittered across its face like ants; the
> dermal plates protruding from its chest and cheekbones wavered and
> grew like uncertain icebergs, and the whole cabled, transistored
> expanse of it seemed to be feeding on the other half in a way that
> made her stomach turn.

Daaaaaaaah body horror D: Nice

>      Footnote Girl dove for cover behind a dog-shaped jungle gym
> as the Legionnaire opened fire on Alt.Imate Ninja.  Eyes stinging
> from the clouds of cordite smoke, she watched, amazed, as the
> cyborg warrior spun his staff like a roulette wheel, deflecting
> each of the thousands of bullets before it could strike.

Oh, that's rad

>      "A ninja's power and skill level increases inversely with the
> number of ninjas involved in a fight scene," said Sister State-the-
> Obvious, helping Footnote Girl move the fallen hero.  "An army of
> ninjas is cannon fodder, but a lone ninja is almost invincible."

What if Cannon Fodder is a ninja, tho

>      "The largest heart this entity has so far encountered," Alt.
> Imate Ninja said, as WikiBoy fell, sputtering chainsaw still
> clutched in his hand.

HOLY FUCK (but also d'awwwww)

>      "What are we supposed to do?" Footnote Girl asked, as the
> Alt.Imate Ninja's foot slammed into Jo Nysegi 's stomach.  "If the
> ninja rule makes him invincible, than the only thing that could
> stop him would be..."
> 
>      The smoke and mist surrounding the Alt.Imate Ninja fell apart
> as a dozen arrows spiraled toward it.  The ninja's hands moved as a
> blur, shattering the shafts of all of the arrows save one, which
> lodged in its wrist.
> 
>      "Would be another ninja," Ordinary Lady said, touching a fresh
> arrow to her bowstring as she and Cheesecake Eater Lad walked
> across the field.

HELL YEAH

>      "I defeated robotic duplicates of the two of you yesterday,"
> the cyborg said, as the two heroes advanced.

That's the other rule, robotic duplicates are always easier to defeat.

>      "That's the funny thing about being a big fat guy in a chef's
> hat," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said, a samurai sword in his hands.
> "People always assume you'll be a pushover.  Jean?"
> 
>      "Let's take him out," she said, firing.

HELL YEAH.

>      "Master Blaster... told me... to 'grow a pair' when he...
> edited me," said an ashen-faced WikiBoy.  "I already had... what he
> meant... so I thought... an extra heart might... come in handy."

NICE.

>      "Don't worry," said Cheesecake-Eater Lad, getting to his feet.
> "I've got something that ought to release his human side, if I can
> get close enough to use it.  I have a special place in my heart
> for food service employees."

Fuckin' legit

>      Traffic began to move.  The two fighters flowed from cartop to
> cartop like a pair of dancers, Alt.Imate Ninja's two swords raining
> blows upon Ordinary Lady's blade.

There are SO MANY good visuals in this.

> You want to be
> doing what other teenage pizza delivery boys do... driving around,
> developing acne, accidentally wandering into the sets of
> pornographic films..."
> 
>      Alt.Imate Ninja wavered for a moment, beads of sweat appearing
> on the human side of his forehead.
> 
>      "That's the opening I needed!"

heeheehee

>      "Don't worry!" Bad-Timing Boy said.  "A blast of water ought to
> take care of that robot once and for all!"
> 
>      "No!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad said, but it was too late.  Bad-
> Timing Boy doused the Alt.Imate Ninja with a torrent of water,
> sending the puddle of grey goo into the windshield of a car in the
> next lane and reviving the cyborg ninja.\

WELP. XD

>      "You should have eaten the cheesecake," Ordinary Lady said,
> raising her sword for another attack.  "No telling what they'll be
> serving in hell."

DAMN,

>      SCANNING... said Alt.Imate Ninja's internal display.  CHECKING
> INTERNAL DATABASES FOR INFORMATION ON THREAT POTENTIAL OF UNKNOWN
> ENTITY.
> 
>      LEGION OF NET.HEROES.... NO MATCHES FOUND
>      ALT.RIDERS... NO MATCHES FOUND
>      DVANDOM FORCE... NO MATCHES FOUND
>      NEW MISFITS... NO MATCHES FOUND
>      NET.TRENCHCOAT BRIGADE...
> 
>      "I'm not much on introductions," the man said, throwing open
> his trenchcoat and lifting a submachine gun.  "But you should
> know that.  After all, you're a ninja.  And I'm just a guy.  In a
> trenchcoat.  Fighting ninjas!"

oh my *god* XD

>      "Fearless Leader!  Of course!" Mynabird said.  "If there was
> one among your number who could pose a challenge to me now, with
> victory so close at hand, it would, of course, be you!"
> 
>      "Hey!" wReamHack said.  "I'm here too, you know."

Heeheehee

>      "Very well," Mynabird said, as the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite
> activated the "Dramatic Confrontation Music" button on his control
> panel.  The sound of Journey's "Separate Ways" blared through his
> armor's loudspeakers.  "Destroy Fearless Leader... and his
> irritating IT support staff!"
> 
>      "That's more like it," wReamHack said,

XD XD XD

>      "Captain Continuity!" Londonbroil said, as the caped hero
> walked, unharmed, through the conflagration and pinched shut the
> nozzle of the flamethrower.  "I don't believe it."
> 
>      "Nor do I," Mynabird said.  "This business of having one
> previously unseen hero come to rescue another at the very last
> moment is becoming altogether too repetitive in this episode."

Hard disagree!!

>      Captain Continuity stared upward as every flight.thingee, jet,
> helicopter, tank and miscellaneous vehicle in the Legion's motor
> pool roared out of the building like a swarm of angry bees.  The
> stream of vehicles swirled around the ruins of Four-Color Square --
> and then, driven by the unseen will of the Melissa virus, linked
> bumpers, grilles and landing gear together to become a six-story
> humanoid robot.
> 
>      "Huh," Londonbroil said, staring up at the towering robot as it
> slammed a fist -- formed from Teenfactor's Teencruiser -- into
> Captain Continuity.  "Call me a critic, but it seems like it would
> have been more effective to have all of those cars and spaceships
> and things attacking individually."
> 
>      "Maybe," said wReamHack, as Captain Continuity struggled
> against the pressure of the enormous metal fist.  "But this is
> so... much... cooler."

AGREED :D

>      "I'm trying to... WHAT THE HELL?!" gasped Vector Prime, utterly
> flabbergasted as Nudist Man popped out of a nearby garbage can like
> a naked, giggling Oscar the Grouch.
> 
>      "Howdy-do!" Nudist Man said, as Vector Prime screamed and the
> sky began raining vehicles.

X3

>      "You may have defeated my, er, virus," Mynabird said, placing
> his hands on his hips -- and then pulling them away just as
> quickly, since his palms were still steaming from the plasma bolts
> he'd fired at Captain Continuity.

Heeheehee

>      "You may even think you have me surrounded," the armored
> mastermind continued.  "But that's because you hadn't counted on
> the arrival of my squadron of SINGING MONKEY PIRATES!"
> 
>      "Just heard from J. Random Kiwi," wReamHack said, showing the
> message on his BlackBerry to Fearless Leader.  "He reports that his
> team of Kiwi Kommandoes has utterly routed the monkey pirates near
> the entrance to the harbor."

X3

>      "Monkeys fighting kiwis?  And we missed it?" said a man in a
> black turtleneck and beret, who had been filming the confrontation
> through an unusual-looking camera.
> 
>      He looked up and swatted the heavy-set man beside him.
> "Gaffer, you're supposed to tell me about these kind of things!
> That would have gotten us into Cannes for sure..."

omg

>      "I can't even shoot powerful beams out of my hands?" the
> Easily-Discovered Bran Mite grumbled.  "How hardcore can I be?

XD XD XD

>      "Thirty seconds to meltdown," said the voice of Scarlett
> Johansson, as the number "30" appeared in large red digital
> letters on all four of the monitors in front of the console.
> Another panel on the console irised open, and a bottle of 12-
> year-old scotch rose out of the opening, accompanied by a glass
> tumbler filled with ice.  "Happy Trails" began playing over the
> helmet's loudspeaker.
> 
>      "Here's to you, Arachne," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said,
> pouring himself a glass of scotch as the red number dropped to
> "29."

Must hug ;.;

>      "Even my power to appear naked in unexpected places is having
> no effect," Nudist Man said.

Heeheehee

>      "Hey, wait a minute," said Lite, who had been in the process
> of suggesting to Ripping Dancer what the two of them should do
> with their last moments on earth together.  "What do I have to do
> with any of this?"
> 
>      The Easily-Discovered Bran Mite stared at the boy long and
> hard through the viewports of the Mynabird helmet before smashing
> the glass tumbler of scotch against the image and switching off
> the self-destruct mechanism.

omg X3;;;;;; I'm so sorry dude

>      "Okay, everybody," Fearless Leader said, as Mynabird's force
> field wavered out of existence.  "Let's take him in... and let's do
> it by the book."
> 
>      As Librarian Lady passed copies of "Capturing Dark Overlords
> for Dummies" by Gamer Boy throughout the group of heroes, however,

Heeheehee

>      "If only we'd gotten these books sooner," Bad-Timing Boy
> lamented.  "He talks about the whole 'villain escaping through
> a disappearing door' situation right here on page 28."
> 
>      "It doesn't matter what Gamer Boy thinks.

Bwahaha. <3

>      Ultimate Ninja did not return the bow.  His head turned from
> left to right, taking in the broken, blackened lobby of Legion
> Headquarters, the bruised and bloodied faces of the Legionnaires
> around him, the fires still burning on the horizon in the city
> beyond.
> 
>      "You are relieved of your command," he said, passing Fearless
> Leader on his way into the building without another word.

What an asshat >:/

>      Father Brown smiled.  "Nor can I.  But the Legion's robot
> duplicator machine could -- and while most of its creations were
> destroyed by you and your companions, one duplicate, a failed
> prototype, did not take part in the rebellion.  We found it
> wandering through the headquarters hallways, searching for bamboo."
> 
>      Another monk led what appeared to be a giant panda dressed in a
> ninja costume, looking placidly at the group of gathered villains.
> 
>      "Rrrr?" the Ultimate Panda said.

omg

> Cannon Fodder opened up his eyes.
> 
> Was it all a dream -- Some horrible nightmare?
> 
> He was back in the Peril Room.
> 
> Alive.
> 
> Reborn.
> 
> He looked at the Peril Room.  Cracks.  Scorch marks.  Wires hanging out.
> 
> He stood up.  And walked out of the room.
> 
> Time to look at the world again.
> 
> Time to live again.

This is *extremely* good.

> "Yeah.  I need you to retrieve Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad out of the
> Peril Room teleportation hard drive.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. <3

> "Well, got to go see UN."  Cannon Fodder started to head out the door
> and then hesitated.  "You know.  I was wondering if we could get the
> gang back together again.  You, me, Cheesecake Eater Lad, and Parking
> Karma Kid.  Just have dinner sometime.  Maybe this week?"

Aw sweetie.

> "Deductive Logic Man.  I want you find out who these supervillains were
> that broke out with Bart.  And I want you to find out what Bart's been
> doing in the last 10 years."
> 
> Deductive Logic Man nodded.  "Will do."

Ah yes, there he is

> "Look if I may interrupt here," broke in Irony Man.  "Where were you,
> Ultimate Ninja?  When all of this was happening?  You were missing for
> 465 days!  What were you doing that was so important that you couldn't
> check back to see what was happening here!?"

Right???

> "During the first 30 or so days I was fishing.  As for the rest of the
> days -- that cannot be revealed.  Not yet.  But it was very important,
> Irony Man.  And it needed to be done.  I'm sorry, but that is all I can
> say."

I have an idea as to what this was but no idea if I'll ever write it. X3

> "These days I don't seem to agree with Irony Man about much of
> anything," Catalyst Lass said.  "But I think he's right.  We need a
> leader right now that the Legion can put its full trust into.  And maybe
> that leader is the Ultimate Ninja.  And maybe it isn't."

Super legit.

> "Yes.  When Bart the Receptionist's time pills seized me and heaved me
> to the future I discovered a coded message within the Looniversal
> Answering Machine.  A coded message left by the LNH that died."

Gasp!

> "I cannot reveal it all at this moment, but I can say that if we are
> going to succeed in saving the LNH and the Looniverse you must find the
> Book of Deus ex Machinas!"

Knowing how this is gonna turn out: Huh.

> "Yeah, kind of.  He was this religious leader.  Head of the Church of
> the Dvandom.  Won a Nobel Prize for Peace.

It is *amazing* to see wReamicus described like this, and taking advantage of 
the rushed ending to Birth of a Villain is amazing.

> "Yeah.  It's a shame all right.  Murder weapon appears to be a Ginsu
> Katana.  Hmm.  Appears to be inscribed.  'Property of the Ultimate
> Ninja'.  Hmm.  There could be clue in that."
> 
> "You might be right.  Don't suppose that could also be related?"  The
> thin detective pointed to a blood splattered text on the wall that said
> 'I Am The Ultimate Ninja!!!  Be Afraid!!!!'

heeheehee

(I'm surprised these aren't Sergeant and Kidd~)

> Organic Lass laughed.  "Yeah, we could all use some.  At least as events
> go it wasn't a Flame Wars IV or something like that.  It could be worse."

:> Optimism!

> "I freed you from their cages!  And I led you in battle against the LNH!
>    And we won!  Oh sure, they weren't actually the LNH -- they were just
> robot duplicates that looked like the LNH and had the same powers as the
> LNH.  But.  That's beside the point.  They could have been the LNH!  And
> do you know why we won?"
> 
> "Umm -- because they were robot duplicates and not the LNH?" responded
> one of villains in the crowd.
> 
> "No!  Because of teamwork!  Because we were all united for one purpose!

I mean, six of one, right?

>    And because of my brilliant leadership of course -- although my own
> modesty prevents me from pointing that out.  But we did that with just
> 300 or so villains.  Think of what we could do with a thousand villains.
>    And right now as I speak there are jails filled with our brothers and
> sisters, each one crying out for salvation.  And not just jails on our
> planet, but jails on other worlds.  We are going break into every single
> prison and free them all.

I mean, I do appreciate the prison abolition vibe. I'm pretty sure that no 
matter how bad the dudes in the Ultimate Black Hole are, nobody should be in a 
place called the Ultimate Black Hole.

> "We are going to destroy Easily Discovered Man Lite once and for
> all!!!!!  Yes!!!!  Destroy HIM!!!!  Die, Easily Discovered Man Lite!!!
> DIE!!!!  Muhahhahahahahahahh!!!!!!!!!!"  Mynabird pumped both of his
> fists in the air.
> 
> Silence filled the room as the collective group of villains all had
> blank stares on their collective faces.  Crickets chirped in the background.
> 
> "And -- oh yeah -- Destroy the LNH too.  Well that goes without saying
> -- I mean really what kind of lunatic would create a vast supervillain
> army just for the purpose of destroying one single superhero.  Not me.
> Nope.  What I'm trying to say is -- umm -- Death to the LNH!!  Yes,
> Death to the LNH!!!"

heeheeheehee <3 <3 <3

> Irony Man looked at the screen in front of him.  He was back in his
> room.  On the screen was a video image of President Hexadecimal Luthor.
> 
> "It's done, Hex.  The election is go."

DUN DUN DUNNNN!

> Irony Man shook his head and looked away from the screen.  "I don't
> know, Hex.  I don't know if it matters anymore.  Any of this.  What
> we're doing.  Something bad is coming, Hex."
> 
> <<Bad?>>
> 
> "Yes.  Something that could destroy everything.  Everyone.  You.  Me.
> Everything.  Dekay and Diskolor are returning."

Huh. I thought this was why Toony made this deal in the first place... maybe it 
gets explained more later~

> The date on the paper was July 1st, 1992.  It was the week Beige Noon
> had happened.  This newspaper contained an obituary for Irony Man and
> Mainstream Man.  He had died with millions of other people.  He flipped
> to the page that contained his obituary.  It listed all of the things he
> had achieved in life.  It made him sound like a decent caring human
> being.  It made him sound like a hero.

God, Arthur's so good at characterizing Irony Man.
> Irony Man sighed to himself and put the paper on his bed.  He dug
> through the box and took out a picture.  It was picture taken before
> Beige Noon of all of the LNH'rs.  Everyone was so young back then.  Just
> a bunch of stupid teenagers who thought they could solve all of the
> world's problems.  That they could make a difference.  That they could
> change the world.  Stupid.
> 
> But they didn't change the world.  The world changed them.
> 
> Irony Man looked through the faces.
> 
> Kid Yesterdaze.  Retired.
> 
> Bibliography Boy.  Retired.
> 
> Rebel Yell.  Gone.
> 
> Four Color Kid.  Dead.
> 
> Comic Snob Boy.  Fallen.  Dead.

God. This is extremely good.

> "Yeah, I'm sure we will.  It's the LNH.  We can handle anything."
> Fearless Leader wanted to believe what he'd just said, but that wasn't
> going to happen.  Fearless Leader looked at his steak.  The color seemed
> wrong.  The color of everything seemed wrong.  He looked back at Ripping
> Dancer.  "Your dress.  It's torn."
> 
> "Oh, that's my power.  Hard to control.  Are you all right?"
> 
> "It's the color.  Everything's faded.  It's -- Tara.  Your face."
> Fearless Leader saw what looked like a crack on Ripping Dancer's
> forehead.  "Tara, there's something wrong with your face!"
> 
> "No.  Get away from me!  Don't touch me!"  Ripping Dancer got out of her
> chair.  Parts of her body started to crumble off.  Flake away.

Maaaaaaaan! The sense of *palpable dread* and surreality!

> What date was it?  What was the date?  Fearless Leader saw a yellowish
> paper on the floor.  Even as he grabbed it, the paper started to crack.
>    He looked at the date.  April 29, 2008.  No.  It couldn't be.  Not
> this soon.  He wasn't prepared.

Oh sweetie. Must hug.

> He buried his head into his pillow.  He shut his eyes.
> 
> But he couldn't go back to sleep as much as he tried.
> 
> Goddamn dreams.
> 
> Damn them to hell.

And that's the origin story of the Dream-Slayer!

> 1,001,992 BC...
> 
> Ancient Qwerty...

Meanwhile, a million years ago!

> A girl who looks quite a bit like Ripping Dancer dances for him.  The
> man on the throne ignores the girl and gazes at two small cubes, which
> are in the palm of his hand.  1,003,999 years from now these small cubes
> will be called LNH Dice.  He tosses the dice to the ground and laughs.
> 
> This sure beats getting the Ultimate Ninja coffee, Bart thinks grinning
> to himself.  And the fun's only getting started.

DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

Drew "so many cliffhangers" Nilium