LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #144: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Twenty

[Drew Perron]

On 3/22/2020 5:17 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> You can sift through the racc list archive
> https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
> or you can try google groups racc for these stories that make up the twentieth
> section of Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig (or Crisis).

What an event. X3

>      "Morning, eight eyes," she says.
> 
>      "You're beautiful," he says, and she is: his eyes roam the
> pale, gentle curves of her carapace until she blushes, covering
> herself with his bedsheet.  "And you're still here.  That has to
> be a good sign."
> 
>      "'Course I'm still here," Arachne yawns.  "You think I'd
> spend the night laying six million eggs in order to walk out
> before breakfast the next morning?"

Like... fuck, Rob is a good writer. This isn't just a joke about turning life as 
an arachnid into a very archetypal domestic romance scene, tho it is that - he 
actually puts the genuine emotions across.

>      Ollie sits up.  Behind Arachne, resting against the side of
> his mattress, is the fullest, most perfect sphere he's ever seen:
> a firm, silky ball that's warm to his touch and pulsing with life.

oh no feeeeeeeeeels

>      "It's just that it seems like it was yesterday that I saw you
> for the first time," he says, shaking his head.
> 
>      "It was yesterday," she says.  "One of the benefits of having
> an extremely brief life cycle."

heeheeheehee

>      "Morning, Ollie," says old Mr. Blatta, the postman.  "Funny
> weather we're having today."

w-what kind of mail do bran mites get

>      "Mr. Blatta?" Ollie says, running to the postman's side as his
> bag spills and a thousand letters blend with the falling white
> powder.

Like?? This imagery???

> Ollie grabs Blatta by the shoulder, which already feels
> cool and stiff, though his mouth hangs open as though he had
> something more to say.

Holy fuck????

> Two human faces fill the screen as a
> spinning logo grows larger beneath them: Amazing Products!
> 
>      Please, he thinks.  Let Arachne be all right.

aaaaaaaaaa the silly and the tragic aaaaaaaaaa ;.;

>      "But what about your cereal?" the man on the television asks.
> "Easily-Discovered Bran?  Our sources tell us that several boxes
> had to be recalled because they were infested with mites."
> 
>      "That's no longer a problem, Bob," his companion says, holding
> up a bag of bright white powder.  "Every box of Easily-Discovered
> Bran now comes with a free bag of Easily-Discovered Brand
> Sweetener, the non-fattening sugar substitute that's also a
> powerful arachnicide."

Heeheeheehee aaaaaaaaa ;.;

>      "And you say it's safe for people and pets?"
> 
>      "Why would you be feeding breakfast cereal to your pets, Bob?"
> 
>      "Let's just say that you did."
> 
>      "That's bizarre, Bob."
> 
>      "People have been known to do bizarre things, Lite."

Oh this is great aaaaaaaaa ;.;

>      "They sure have, Bob.  But I'm here to tell you that Easily-
> Discovered Brand Sweetener is better than safe.  In fact, one out
> of every billion life-forms who use this amazing product will
> develop the incredible power to glow and be detected by a Geiger
> counter, just like your hero and mine -- Easily-Discovered Man!"
> 
>      Ollie stares from the stiffening body of his lover to his own
> arms and legs -- which have begun to emanate a weird orange light
> -- to the smiling face on the television screen who has pronounced
> a death sentence on his people.
> 
>      "And you say it will kill every last one of those mites,
> Easily-Discovered Man Lite?"
> 
>      "Every last one, Bob," Lite grins.  "Deader than the Clinton
> health plan.  You have Easily-Discovered Man Lite's guarantee."

Bwahahaha this is glorious comedy aaaaaaaaa ;.;

>      "It wasn't enough for you to take Arachne, Easily-Discovered
> Man Lite," Ollie says, raising a tiny glowing fist -- then another,
> and another -- at the enormous television screen.  "It wasn't
> enough for you to take my children.  My family.  My friends.
> 
>      "You vowed to destroy my species," the Easily-Discovered Bran
> Mite cries.  "And for that, you shall pay.  I will have my revenge
> on you, Easily-Discovered Man Lite!  I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa somehow you made me feel deep sorry and sympathy for the 
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite I will have my revenge too ;;;;.;;;;

>      The armor itself -- sleek, dark, and so well-polished it seemed
> almost frictionless -- gave Mynabird the appearance of a football
> linebacker who had decided to wear the Batmobile to work.

Just as hilarious, and less tragic!

>      The news had come as an unwelcome shock to Easily-Discovered
> Bran Mite -- who in the world would want to make a duplicate of
> Easily-Discovered Man Lite, anyway?

heeheehee

> However, if the last 13
> years had taught him anything, it was that standing around
> screaming and feeling sorry for himself rarely accomplished much,
> while putting on an atom-powered suit of armor and pillaging the
> city could be both productive and cathartic.

Boy do I know it!

>      "So this is the office of the Ultimate Ninja," the master
> criminal said, lifting a battered, battle-stained cavalry saber
> from its display rack.  "Fascinating," he said, unsheathing the
> sword and examining the "CSA" stamped on its blade.  "I had no
> idea the leader of the LNH was a Civil War buff."
> 
>      "Nor did I," Mynabird said.  "Particularly the way they
> characterized Iron Man.  And that whole business with the clone
> of Thor..."

X3 God, it's nice to be able to view *that* particular crossover from a safe 
distance. Thankfully, exactly zero awful megacrossovers have happened in comics 
since! Ha... ha ha...

>     Within Mynabird's helmet, Easily-Discovered Bran Mite adjusted
> a dial on the "Laughter" panel from "Maniacal Cackle" to "Deep,
> Braying Guffaw."

X3 <3

>      "Let's face it, Homage -- for all that you claim to have done,
> you've been about as successful against the Legion as King
> Konqueror," Mynabird said.

Damn, what a burn.

>      "He's wrong!  Tell them he's wrong!" Mynabird shouted, reaching
> into the wastebasket beside his desk and pulling the disembodied
> head of Dr. Stomper's robot duplicate out by its hair.  "Tell them,
> Stomper!"
> 
>      "I'm afraid that Homage was correct," the robot Dr. Stomper
> droned.  "The LNH will ultimately prevail in every conflict within
> this Looniverse."

Disembodied oracular heads are a good theme!

>      "No," Father Brown croaked.  "That plan, too, has failed me in
> the past."
> 
>      "It's failed him in the paaaast," the monks sang.

So are musical Greek choruses~

>      "What is the meaning of this?" Mynabird shouted.
> 
>      "It's a pronoun. It has no intrinsic meaning," the Alt.Imate
> Ninja replied.

Ba-dum-tiss

>      "The city would like to honor you," McLaughlin Man said,
> throwing a thick, sausage-like arm around Mynabird's iron
> shoulders.  "You think they loved the LNH?  You think people went
> wild for the Saviors of the Net?  Brother, you ain't seen nuthin'
> yet."

I love the irony of this so much.

> Mostly they clapped, cheered, blew kisses, or waved,
> showering the super-villains with goodwill.  None of those onstage,
> with the possible exception of Uma Thurman, the replacement Waffle
> Queen, had ever experienced anything like it.

Man. This is such a lovely character moment. :>

>      "This feels... wrong, somehow," said Downyflake, clutching a
> pair of women's undergarments he'd just been thrown from the
> crowd.  "I mean, sure, we were trying to stop those LNH robots
> that'd gone berserk.  But I was just doing it because I'm sick of
> having to drive all the way to Utah to be able to shoot robots."

Heeheehee

>      The recording continued.  "You're bluffing!  You wouldn't cause
> so many innocent deaths," said the sepulchral voice of the LNH
> Robot Duplicator Machine.
> 
>      "I wouldn't?" Cannon Fodder's voice said.  "I think you should
> remember that I'm human, therefore completely irrational!  Why
> wouldn't I do that?  The question you need to ask yourself is can
> you afford to take the chance?"
> 
>      The recording ended.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. The re-contextualization of that is ASTOUNDING. :3

>      "Are you ready to take control of your own lives?  To be the
> authors of your own destiny?"
> 
>      The audience thought about that for a moment.
> 
>      "NO!" they shouted.
> 
>      "Come again?" Mynabird said.
> 
>      "YOU DO IT!" they screamed.  "LNV!  LNV!  LNV!"

X3;;;;;

>      "I'm starting to think this thing could go all night," said
> Uma Thurman, swirling her cocktail.  "Hey Pointless, does the fact
> that this infinite April thing is over mean that you can finally
> get on with hosting the RACCie Awards?  I've got this new dress
> I've been dying to wear..."
> 
>      Pointless Awards Man II shot the replacement Waffle Queen a
> look saturated with malice.  "Ixnay on the acciesray," he said.
> "They'll happen when they happen."

eheheheh

>      Turning back to his microphone, he continued, "And how about a
> big hand for our friends at Cowling Propane and Propane
> Accessories, who donated all of the equipment we're using to burn
> LNH products tonight?

Heck that's a deep-cut

>      He shook his head in wonder at the black-armored villain, who
> was, at that moment, allowing a small group of orphans to eat
> miniature waffles out of his hand.

XD

>      "To bollix this up now, we'd have to do something really,
> really, stupid," Londonbroil said.

oh no X3

> 
>      "Wow!  I guess a cheesecake really can fly," Pointless Awards
> Man II said.  "Hope those fish are hungry... because in addition
> to all those unjust desserts, our deep-sea denizens are going
> to be getting their fiber in a big way tonight.  The city's
> Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks has just announced that
> they're ready to dump the tri-state area's entire supply of Easily-
> Discovered Bran into Net.ropolis Harbor."

A Homeric use of the tragic flaw! Shakespearian! And it's also like people who 
annoyingly anglocentric scholars don't like who are good!

>      Mynabird shook off Downyflake's hand.  Inside his helmet,
> the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite turned the speech control dial from
> "Suave, Self-Assured Demagogue" to "Hysterical Dalek."
> 
>      "YOU'RE ALL THE SAME!" he screeched.  "ALL OF YOU!  YOU'RE
> EITHER IMBECILES OR KILLERS...AND I SAY, EXTERMINATE ALL OF YOU
> BRUTES!"

Welp.

>      "Ladies and gentlemen," Pointless Awards Man II said, as
> hundreds of people burst into applause.  "The Legion of Net.Heroes
> has returned!"

Presenters gotta present

>      It was one thing to watch Irony Man soaring in to save the
> victims of a blasted blimp, thought Londonbroil, and quite another
> to hear the distant cough of his rocket boots, see him loop around
> in the sky, like a vengeful falling star, see the lights of the
> city and the bonfire reflected in his armor and the thirty
> thousand ways it had of hurting a person and know that the soul
> inside that metal shell -- growing bigger and closer with each
> second -- was very, very angry.
> 
>      With you.

God this is so powerful and cool.

>      "Have to switch to manual control," he said, toggling a tiny
> switch inside his right gauntlet.  With a shudder, his arms and
> legs were free to move.  He pulled himself into a ball -- it was
> so hard to fight against the onrushing wind -- and fumbled, his
> fingers feeling fat and clumsy and useless -- until he managed to
> detach his left boot from the rest of his armor.

This feels more cinematic than any decompressed comic ever did - and before 
there were any Iron Man movies!

>      He had no idea who or what he was facing.  The Net.ropolis he
> had arrived in was so far removed from the one he had left -- so
> much destruction, so much chaos, and so much news about Paris
> Hilton everywhere he looked -- that the former Felix Landers
> wondered if fate had, once again, thrown him into another parallel
> universe.

Jeez, that's intense. I love FL.

>      "Crowd control?  Are you sure I couldn't be more helpful where
> the action is?" Catalyst Lass asked, her wide green eyes searching
> his.
> 
>      "Getting those people out of the way is the most important
> thing we can do right now, and nobody is better at persuading
> people to do the right thing than you are," Fearless Leader said,
> placing a hand on the young woman's shoulder.  "I'm counting on
> you."

He's pretty damn persuasive too.

> Girlwatcher, what's
> the situation at the front?"
> 
>      He heard a burst of static.  Then, "...fantastic, Fearless
> Leader.  That Uma Thurman is so much more beautiful than the
> last Waffle Queen.  And the Melissa virus..."

Heeheehee

>      "Wow.  I mean, wow, Fearless Leader," Girlwatcher's voice
> crackled.  "I mean... I probably shouldn't be mentioning this right
> now, but... you do know I was rejected for membership in the
> Legion, right?"
> 
>      Fearless Leader smiled.  "There are no rejects today,
> Girlwatcher.  No back-benchers.  And that goes for all of you," he
> said, turning to the crowd of Legionnaires preparing for battle.

HELL YEAH!

> 
>      "Our enemies think they've already won," he said.  "They think
> they've scared us into giving up!  They think by grabbing us one by
> one for more than a year that they've divided us.  What they've
> done is turn all of us into leaders. 

HELL YEAH!!! God, that's a good line, I gotta steal that.

> Each of you," he said,
> looking from face to face along the line of muster, "has learned
> what it means to command.  You know what it's like to be
> responsible for the safety of this world.  If need be, you would
> face what we have to face today alone.  And you would prevail.
> 
>      "But you will not be alone.
> 
>      "You will fight as brothers.  As sisters.  As champions.  And
> by God, you will make me proud.  Alone, you are heroes.
> Together...
> 
>      "...we are LEGION!"

HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

>      "Well said," Catalyst Lass said, as the Legion of Net.Heroes
> charged onto the battlefield.  "Can I make one suggestion?"
> 
>      "Of course, Cat."
> 
>      "April... this long April... it's finally over, right?"
> 
>      "Yes.  Thank God," Fearless Leader said.
> 
>      "In that case," Catalyst Lass said, touching Fearless Leader
> under the chin, "it's probably all right for you to take off that
> coconut bra and grass skirt Dr. Stomper made you wear on April
> Fools' Day."

...aaaaaaaaaa it's so good X3 <3 <3 <3

>      "Time to even the odds," Vector Prime said, concentrating.  As
> Londonbroil watched, the woman in the black catsuit seemed to blur,
> then separate in two... then four... then eight... Within moments,
> the stage was filled with women of every conceivable ethnicity,
> hairstyle and height.  All were beautiful.  All were heavily
> armed.
> 
>      "Nice trick, that," Londonbroil said, as the crowd of women
> leapt from the stage, shouting "Time to be evil!"  "Let's rock!"
> "Badness is cool!" and, inexplicably, "Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat is
> hot!"

The all-new all-different X-Intruder!

>      The little gray cat lifted his paw.  "Time for a fastball
> special," he said, concentrating.  Beside him, the squat, surly
> super-villain called Plummet began to rise.
> 
>      Barrage maneuvered the magenta-clad villain higher and higher
> into the air, until he was just above where Writers Block Woman
> hovered.  The net.heroine seemed not to notice, her attention
> focused on the battle below.
> 
>      "And now," Barrage said, his tail twitching back and forth,
> "here's how you break through a case of writer's block."

*scribbles down notes - get a psychic cat to throw a giant magenta man at me*

>      "What's going on over there?" the heroine added, turning to her
> side just as Plummet tore past, missing her by a hair's breadth.

heeheehee

>      Hundreds of feet below her, the hero in question stood up,
> wiped the dust from his tights, and grinned at Plummet.
> 
>      "Boy," said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, "did you
> ever pick the wrong guy to smash into."

:D :D :D <3 <3 <3 Love it

>      "This could be the greatest night of my life," Master Blaster
> said, shell casings spilling from his rifle like freshly-minted
> coins from a slot machine.  "Here I am, completely surrounded by
> women... each long-legged beauty more luscious than the last..."
> 
>      "Your wife happens to be right here," Sister State-the Obvious
> said, bashing one of the Vector clones with her purse.
> 
>      "...each one more delicious than the next, and they're all
> viruses, so I can shoot them without worrying about the paperwork,"
> the Legion's sharp-shooting satyr sighed.  "I must have done
> something pretty damn wonderful in a previous life."

Excellent dodge~

> 
>      "I will never understand why you abuse that boy the way you
> do," Sister-State-the Obvious began, than gasped.  "Husband!  It's
> coming right for you..."

I love how if I didn't know what her powers were, I wouldn't realize from the 
dialog.

>      "Thanks, big guy!  This is just what I needed!" said Kid Pocky,
> who had been defending a nearby Sanrio store from a crowd of
> vandals.
> 
>      The net.hero began pushing the ball of dough in front of him.
> As the sticky sphere gained momentum, it began to catch and hold
> everything in its path, from bits of glass and rubble to a few
> unhappy Vector clones.
> 
>      "Da DA da dada DAda da da, katamari damacy," Kid Pocky sang, as
> another group of Vectors ran screaming from the ball.

omfg I love it so much X3

> Carassion writhed
> and shivered in his grasp, but Very Big Boy kept his grip just long
> enough to swing the fish around and clobber Pencil Rain.  With a
> loud, wet smack, the gestalt villain soared through space, arcing
> over Writers Block Woman and splashing down in the Net.ropolis
> River.

I gotta say this is also well-written action!

>  To Very Big Boy's
> surprise, however, the building's debris did not collapse.
> Instead, it hung in the air for a moment, like the coyote in a Road
> Runner cartoon, before flying through the air to strike him in the
> head.

I'm imagining it going "Donk! Donk! Donk!"

>      "Now don't go falling all over the city just yet," said Kid-Not-
> Appearing-In-Any-Beige-Midnight-Story, flying through the maelstrom
> of mortar and bracing himself behind Very Big Boy's hill-sized
> shoulder blade.

God, fight scenes where the *whole* LNH shows up are truly epic, huh?

> Catching one iron bar
> with her left hand, she swung from the rickety metal surface into
> the middle of the brickstorm, where -- using skills she'd learned
> spending hour after hour in the Legion's Peril Room -- she sprang
> from one chunk of rocky debris to another, finally landing on the
> balls of her feet beside Barrage himself.

EXTREMELY anime.

>      Still crouching, Ordinary Lady drew a pair of nunchaku sticks
> from the sash around her waist, and dangled them in front of
> Barrage.  The small gray cat meowed with delight, batting a few
> times at the chained stick.  He blinked his yellow eyes at Ordinary
> Lady...
> 
>      ...whereupon she backhanded the creature into
> unconsciousness. 

pffffff <3

>      "It is considered a mark of honor among his kind to play with
> your enemy before defeating him," Ordinary Lady explained.
> "Someone... a cat-girl, a fellow warrior... told me of this once.
> For some reason, I cannot remember her name."

aaaaaaaaaa even Panta gets to help ;-;

>      "Odd," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said.  "Well, at least you nabbed
> him.  I'm beginning to think our side might end up winning this
> after all."
> 
>      "Perhaps," Ordinary Lady said, taking in the two ruined
> buildings, the shattered streetlamps, the haze and smoky dust that
> clung to the battlefield like a pall.  "But to those innocents now
> running and screaming for their lives, I doubt this feels like
> victory."

Just the end of Act One!

> Suddenly-Exploding Boy Memorial Grove,

heeheehee

>      Pointless Awards Man II weaved, elbowed and shoved his way
> through the crowd fleeing from the battle before the Bandshell.
> His eyes stung and his throat itched from the smoke of the bonfire,
> which had burned out of control, as well as the dust and soot
> kicked up by the various heroes and villains fighting all around
> him.  He had stopped running with a purpose long ago, and now was
> moving out of fear, convinced that if he paused for a moment
> something or someone would drop on him or set him on fire or
> explode.

Speaking of fleeing civilians! Excellent perspective!

>      "It's all right," the Dismal Hope Kid was saying.  "I know
> you're going to defeat me.  I really don't have a chance against
> you.  We might as well get this over with."
> 
>      "Now you're just rubbing it in," Easily-Discouraged Man
> replied.  "As though I had even the slightest possibility of
> victory in any aspect of my life!  I don't know why I even bother
> to get up in the morning any more."
> 
>      The little villain began to cry, prompting the Dismal Hope Kid
> to hand him a handkerchief from his futility belt.

heeheeheehee

>      Suddenly, he felt a sense of deep and abiding peace.  His
> shoulders relaxed; he let himself drop the People's Choice Award he
> had been using as a club and turned to smile at the refugee beside
> him.  This wasn't so bad, he thought.  Everything was going to be
> all right.
> 
>      "Everything is going to be all right," Special Bonding Boy
> repeated, shouting through a megaphone from the top of a scorched
> gazebo.  "Just keep walking in an orderly fashion toward the
> light."
> 
>      Pointless Man II stared through the swirling mists of dust and
> smoke.  He saw the glimmering green outline of a man shining
> through the darkness.  Safety, he thought.  Follow the green light
> to safety.

Ohhhhh that's smart.

>      "Not sure... how much longer I can do this," Special Bonding
> Boy said, lowering his bullhorn.  "But it's worth it, if we can get
> everybody out of here without someone getting hurt."

Hell yeah everyone's heroic scene!

> It's not like anyone could
> get lost looking for Easily-Discovered Man..."
> 
>          *                       *                       *
> 
> 1:15 a.m., May 2, 2007
> 
> Somewhere in the Net.ropolis Map District
> 
>      "Is this the best of times, or what?" the Incredibly Stupid Man
> said, walking with arms draped around Weirdness Magnet and Bad-
> Timing Boy through the empty streets of Net.ropolis.

Heeheehee

>      "Uh, sure," Bad Timing Boy said, turning a well-creased sheet
> of paper over and over in his hands.  "Listen, I've been checking
> out this map we picked up at the Surrealist Map Shop, and I'm
> thinking we should've taken that left turn at my raining dance
> harvest is set about with stars."

Heeheehee

>      "I think we're in someplace called 'Accidental Self-
> Immolation Alley,' if that helps," Weirdness Magnet said.
> 
>      "Wow!  That's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life!"
> the Incredibly Stupid Man said.

omg

>      "Are you kidding?" the Incredibly Stupid Man said, squeezing
> his comrades-in-arms a little harder.  "I'm wandering through the
> greatest city in the world with two seasoned, professional super-
> heroes.  What could possibly happen to me?"
> 
>      "YEEEE-HAAAAH!" screamed a small rodent riding a cow, galloping
> into view at the end of the alley.
> 
>      "Yeah," Weirdness Magnet said.  "That's pretty much what I was
> worried about."

This is amazing.

>      "Whoooah!" Bad-Timing Boy said, stumbling over an untied
> shoelace.  The Incredibly Stupid Man, unable to stop his forward
> momentum, tumbled over Bad-Timing Boy, flying forward and knocking
> a startled mind-controlling rodent from the back of the cow.
> 
>      "Wow!" the Incredibly Stupid Man said, climbing to his feet.
> "Now that's what I call teamwork!

EVERYONE'S heroic scene. u.u

> Hey... this lemming doesn't look
> too good.  Do either of you guys know how to give mouth-to-mouth to
> a rodent?"
> 
>      Weirdness Magnet sighed.
> 
>      "I always knew that particular skill would come in handy one
> day," he said, kneeling down.  "And yet I'd always hoped it
> wouldn't."

X3
>      Arthur E.L. Presence tasted the wine -- a 2002 Cotes-de Bourg
>   -- and found it excellent, which was hardly surprising, since he'd
> written it to taste that way.  During most of his career as an
> international assassin, Presence had accepted much of what the
> world had thrown at him, allowing himself to forget his peculiar
> status as both a self-aware fictional character and a surrogate
> author.  But he never took chances with his wine.

Veeeeery interesting.

>      "It's my Opinion that the weather is exactly right for this
> coat," snapped the stranger.

Ahhhhh, interesting. X3

>      "The hell you did," Opinionated Lad said.  "You look to me like
> a joke character somebody wrote for a one-off story who somehow
> managed to stick around.  In my Opinion, you should never have
> become a member of the Legion."
> 
>      The Incredibly Stupid Man vanished.

Fascinating.

>      "Wham!  Bam!  And down goes spam," said Easily-Discovered Man
> Lite, swinging a spatula like a baseball bat to clobber Make Money
> Fast Mo.
> 
>      "Somebody should have told Triple-X Girl -- and the rest of
> these Seven Deadly Sphammers -- that there's room for only one
> beautiful, half-naked siren in this town," Ripping Dancer said,
> rubbing the knuckles of her right hand.

Ah yes, the continuity-insert version~

>      "You may have defeated the Sphammers," droned a robotic voice
> with the trace of a Polish accent, as a boxy silhouette lumbered
> across the infield, an accordion grasped between its pincer-like
> claws.  "But you will soon fall before the combined might of the
> ROBOT WITH LAWRENCE WELK'S BRAIN..."
> 
>      "...and the deadly DOCTOR GLOCKENSPIEL!" said a caped man at
> shortstop, holding the aforementioned musical instrument as though
> there were a perfectly good reason for him to be doing so.

heeheehee I love Doctor Glockenspiel

>      "Damn straight," sang the Dancers, as the zombified former
> President gyrated to the wockachicka sounds of his theme music.

I love sentences like that

>      "Hey!  Leave that butt of hers alone!" Easily-Discovered Man
> Lite shouted, using his spatula to hold off the slavering fangs of
> Thread Bear.  "That butt is a sacred treasure!  It belongs to the
> world!"

X3

>      "Thanks, F.B.," he added, holding out a hand to Frat Boy as
> the bear thudded to the floor.  "Listen, I know some things were
> said between us the last time we saw each other...when you were
> leading the LNH..."
> 
>      "Some things were said," Frat Boy said, letting Lite's hand
> hang in the air.
> 
>      Lite lowered his hand.
> 
>      "I was kind of hoping we could let bygones be bygones," he
> said, looking his friend in the eye.
> 
>      "I'm willing to forgive," Frat Boy said.  "But the forgetting
> part might take me a while."
> 
>      "Hey!" shouted Ripping Dancer, whose clothing had almost
> completely gone gold.  "How about putting the characterization on
> hold for a minute, and dealing with the plot complication over
> here!"

heeheeheehee X3 aaaaaa the winding-together of drama and comedy is SO GOOD

>      "Foul refugees from the netherworld!" Occultism Kid spat, as
> the translucent serpents bared their fangs in his face.  "They have
> no place on this level of reality!  Somebody get these
> mother*@#$%^ing snakes off this mother@#$%^&ing plane!"

Ahhhhh, memes aged like a fine wine.

>      Side by side, the two heroic sorcerers began their incantation,
> chanting together in a low voice.
> 
>      "By the Maple Leafs of Toronto
>      "And Dion's flaring skirt
>      "I bind you with the threefold pow'r
>      "Of Lifeson, Lee and Peart!"
> 
>      "NOOOOOO!" Ol' Scratch screamed, as a circle of red flame
> flared to life in the dirt beneath Taft's feet.  A pentagram
> appeared in the circle, and three swirling hoops of pure energy
> surrounded the demonic President, who pounded his fleshless fists
> against them, to no avail.
> 
>      "You've trapped me with the power of Rush... the one band that
> can never be broken!" the demon cried.

I don't understand! <3

>      "Lou, you should see this guy!" PR Kid said, nodding and
> smiling at the Chuggernaut while continuing his cell phone
> conversation.  "He's got charisma that cannot be denied! What?  See
> how he likes the LNH dice?  Well, it seems like the wrong time for
> a product demo, but nobody knows 'em like you, Lou!"

This is just so fun. X3

>      "This is the way the world ends," Cynical Lass said, freezing a
> Doughboy in mid-attack with her withering stare.  "Not with a bang,
> but with yet another long, pointless fight scene."
> 
>      "It's just like you to take the fun out of a perfectly nice
> campaign of senseless -- huh! -- violence," Footnote Girl said,
> smashing the frozen golem into a thousand pieces with her hockey
> stick.  "After being cooped up in that nether-realm for all those
> months, it's nice to have a little fresh air and exercise for a
> change."

Oh I love both of these characters so much. :D

>      "We have our battles there for the same reason they test
> nuclear weapons underground," Cynical Lass said.  "Because if
> people were ever able to see how much damage they really did, they
> might get upset enough to do something about it."

I mean, that seems like a good thing! <3

>      "It's not that," Footnote Girl explained.  "It's... oh, if
> either of you could see the footnote..."
> 
>      "What is she talking about?" Downyflake said, looking down.
> 
>      "This," said Footnote Girl, driving the blade of her hockey
> stick into his foot, and then jerking up, hard.

Heeheehee

>      Footnote Girl stared at the half-human, half-robotic form of
> the Alt.Imate Ninja twirling its staff in front of her and
> swallowed.
> 
>      "How am I supposed to do that?" she asked.

Dun dun dunnnnn!

Drew "this is super fun" Nilium