LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #135: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Eleven
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Jan 19 13:43:07 PST 2020
You can sift through the racc list archive
or you can try google groups racc for these stories that make up the eleventh
section of Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig (or Crisis).
LNH Comics Presents #54 and 54.5 are by Rob Rogers. It's the conclusion of
the Mother Time Arc. Will Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue and Red manage to
fix their Civil War of the soul back to a more Purple Obnoxiousness? Can the
LNH'rs that haven't been affected by Mother Time's Magic Mirror avoid its
reflection? And will Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad choose the LNH'r who
truly deserves the control over the TV remote?
Find out it..
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Part Eleven
From: EDMLite <robro... at gmail.com>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #54: Infinite Leadership Cry.sig #19
Date: Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:17:53 +0000 (UTC)
LNH Comics Presents #54:
INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG #19:
"World Enough And Time"
By Rob Rogers
8 p.m., Wednesday, April 18
"I can't believe I'm agreeing to this,"
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats-Lad said, as
Procrastination Boy ushered him into
the TV lounge.
"You've been doing such a great job of
choosing a new leader every time the last one
disappears," said the Incredible-Man-With-No-
Life, "that we thought you'd be perfect for
determining which one of us gets the remote."
muttered, knuckles scraping against
velvet as he rummaged around inside his hat.
"It's...um... Time-Waster Lad."
"I... I don't know what to say," Time-
Waster Lad said, as Procrastination Boy
presented him with the Legion's universal
remote control. "I propose... that we spend
the next two hours... watching 'The Big
"Discovering new levels of meaning,"
The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life said
reverently, turning to Pulls-Paper-Out-Of
Hats-Lad. "You have chosen... wisely."
"I don't *@#$%^ believe this," said
Innovative-Offense Boy, entering the lounge.
"I was sure that once Super Apathy Lad
disappeared, the three of you would find
something else to *@#$%^! do."
"And we have," Time-Waster Lad said,
pointing to his laptop computer, which
displayed a multicolored map of the world.
"I've got a pretty good game of
'Civilization' going on over here, in
addition to cinematic goodness."
"*@#$%^! cinematic goodness,"
Innovative-Offense Boy said, folding one
heavily-muscled arm over the other.
"Ordinary Lady left instructions for all
active Legionnaires to report to the Peril
"We're hardly active," The Incredible-
Innovative-Offense-Boy barked, spewing
forth a stream of vulgarities so powerful
that the large, overstuffed couch in the
center of the television lounge burst
into flames. Procrastination Boy, The
Incredible Man-With-No-Life and Pulls-Paper-
Out-Of Hats-Boy scrambled out of the room.
"Aren't you *@#$%^ coming?" Innovative
Offense-Boy said, as Time-Waster Lad
emptied his drink on the sizzling furniture.
"Next commercial," Time-Waster Lad said.
"You wouldn't want me to just leave the
Egyptians without a granary, now would you?"
Innovative-Offense-Boy threw up his
hands and followed the others to the Peril
Room's observation gallery, where rows
upon rows of the Legion's finest, in
addition to a small flock of green kiwis,
waited to hear what he had to say.
"Thank you very much for *@#$%^ coming
here," Innovative-Offense-Boy said,
addressing the crowd. "As you know, our
leader, Ordinary Lady, is currently
fighting the *@#$%^ villain Mother Time.
Before she left, however, she told me how
worried she was that the Legion had never
become the elite *@#$%^ fighting force
Ultimate Ninja had always dreamed it
"What do you mean, we're not elite?"
mumbled Bad-Timing-Boy, his mouth full of
"We've been wanting to train, but the
Peril Room has been disabled, ever since
the now-classic LNH Comics Presents #35,"
Kid Recap said.
"I've *&^%$#@ taken care of that,"
Innovative-Offense-Boy said, pressing a
Button. A long rectangular panel slid
open, providing those in attendance with
a view of the Peril Room. "From now
on, every Legionnaire is going to
*@#$%^& fight his or her way through...
the 36 CHAMBERS OF PERIL!"
"My God," New Look Lass gasped,
staring into a labyrinth of traps,
explosives, exercise equipment and what
appeared to be part of the 'It's a Small
World Wide Web' ride from Dis.Net World.
"It looks like a torture chamber."
"And not even the fun kind," said
Sleeps With-Anything-Alive Girl, who had
been allowed to return to active service
during the current crisis.
"WikiBoy, you'll be in charge of
supervising the *@#$%^ training,"
"Me?" WikiBoy gasped. "But I'm..."
"...the world's greatest @#$%^&
martial arts master," Innovative-
Offense Boy finished. "And don't
@#$%^! revert until this exercise
The Legionnaire Anyone Can Edit
bowed, his clothing shifting into the
dark blue robes of a Shaolin monk.
A long, pointed mustache sprouted on
either side of his mouth, like the
quills of a porcupine, while his
face betrayed a quiet wisdom.
"You've got to be kidding,"
Sarcastic Lad snickered. "WikiBoy is
going to teach us kung fu?"
WikiBoy lifted his hands, palms
outward, toward Sarcastic Lad, who
flew across the room as though jerked
backward by wires, crashing headlong
into the sign that read "SAFETY FIRST!
NO PERIL ROOM ACCIDENTS FOR _18_ DAYS."
WikiBoy muttered something in
Mandarin and lowered his hands.
"What'd he say?" The Incredible
"Look at the subtitle," Sleeps
pointing to the yellow block letters
hanging in the air beneath WikiBoy's
head. "He said, 'Frickin' lame.' "
"This is going to be a looooong
day," Procrastination Boy said.
* * *
Similar thoughts were passing
through the mind of Ordinary Lady,
who -- thanks to the machinations
of Mother Time -- was currently
engaged in a battle against
five other Ordinary Ladies, each
representing a different course
her life might have taken.
"What a waste of an afternoon,"
Ordinary Lady said, parrying a
swordstroke with one of her sais.
"At least I'm finally battling a
"Why, thank you," Mother Time
said, surveying the battle from an
Adirondack chair she'd set up in
the center of her abandoned
"Not you," Ordinary Lady said,
staring into the eyes of her duplicate.
"Tell me, are you the Ordinary Lady
who chose Ultimate Ninja over
Innovative-Offense Boy, or the
Ordinary Lady who decided to leave
the LNH and join the Deadly Serpent
clan of assassins?"
"Neither," said the other
Ordinary Lady, dropping into a
crouch and lashing out with a kick.
"I'm the Ordinary Lady who voted for
Ralph Nader in 2000 and 2004."
"LIAR!" screamed the original
Ordinary Lady, who leaped to avoid
her foe's attack, only to collide
with a small group of glowing,
homicidal Easily-Discovered Men.
"My thanks to you, O mistress of
Martial Might!" Easily-Discovered Man
said, before charging back into the
midst of his duplicates, fists flying.
"Into the valley of Easily-
Discovered Men rode Easily-Discovered
Man!" Easily-Discovered Man thundered."
Easily-Discovered Man to the left of
him! Easily-Discovered Man to the
right of him!"
"And here I was actually worried
about this," said Mother Time, who
lowered her scythe and raised a glass
of pink lemonade to her lips. "This is
more entertaining than Mexican wrestling."
At the other end of the factory
floor, behind two heavy pallets
crowded with bell-bottom jeans, leather
leisure suits and flame-striped go-go
boots, the voluptuous form of Ripping
Dancer watched the battle, while
Easily-Discovered Man Lite watched the
voluptuous form of Ripping Dancer.
"Lite," the Legion's newest
member whispered. "Thank God both
of us have been able to keep out of the
way of Mother Time's magic mirror."
"So far," Lite said. "But it's
also kept us from getting any closer to
her. By the way, are you single?"
"That's not important right now,"
Ripping Dancer said. "Keep your eyes
closed. In fact, do what I'm doing,
and use your shirt as a blindfold."
"That's a brilliant idea," Lite
said, removing his shirt and looping it
around his eyes. "Hold on a second.
Does this mean you're walking around
"Keep your mind on the mission,
Lite," Ripping Dancer hissed, inching
her way around Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy
Blue, who was battling four copies of
himself and what looked like an
enormous hot dog.
"Are you kidding?" Lite asked. "I
couldn't possibly keep my... wait! I can!
I guess there are some advantages to not
being eighteen any more, after all!"
"Well, isn't this precious?"
Mother Time said, as the two heroes
advanced past rows of sowing machines.
"Two blind heroes. See how they crawl!
They crawled right into the villain's
knife! Who aged them both to the end
of their lives!"
"And yet you weren't always a villain,
were you... Helen?" Lite asked.
Mother Time, who had picked up her
scythe, laid it down again and folded
her fingers together.
"What did you call me?" she said.
* * *
"I noticed that you weren't at the
*@#$%^& Peril Room," Innovative-Offense
Boy said. "Is everything all right?"
"He was like a son to me," Steak-and
Potatoes Man said, sobbing into his gloves.
"Or at least the best sous-chef I've ever
had. I was so proud of him when he outgrew
his role as my sidekick, and even prouder
when he became leader of the LNH. And now
"Frat Boy," Special-Bonding-Boy said,
by way of explanation. "Don't worry. I'll
take care of him." To the still-blubbering
form of Steak-and-Potatoes-Man, he said,
"Really, it's going to be all right."
"Thanks," Innovative-Offense Boy said.
"I have a feeling that before this day is
over, we're going to need every *@#$%^!
hand we can get."
"Kiwi!" several kiwis agreed.
"Blurgle!" spat Adamant-Authority-On
Everything, whom Mother Time had turned into
"He says that he's still the deputy
leader of the LNH, not you, and that with
Ordinary Lady in the field, you should be
taking orders from him," Linguist Lass
"*@#$%^& me," Innovative-Offense Boy
said. "What does he want now?"
babbled, flailing his chubby arms as he
spoke, and Linguist Lass explained what
"Oh for *@#$%^& sake," Innovative-
Offense Boy sighed, picking up the infant
deputy leader and patting him on the back.
Everything said, supremely satisfied.
* * *
"Browsing Boy told me that before
this place was a factory, it was a
hotel," Lite said, staring in what he
hoped was the direction of his adversary.
"New Year's Eve, 1977. Huge party.
Disco balls everywhere. Flashing lights
on the dance floor, a little Barry
Manilow in the air..."
"I'm beginning to be glad there's
only one of you, whomever you are,"
Mother Time said.
"A fire breaks out -- no one's quite
sure how -- leaving fifty-seven dead,"
Lite said. "Oh, and one scarred survivor:
a woman named Helen Reddy, whose hair is
reported by witnesses to have become
chalk-white as a result of the horror
"Do I look scarred to you?" Mother
Time said, wrapping one curl of her
silver hair around a fingertip and
drawing it out. "Oh... I forgot. You're
blindfolded. Go on."
"Time heals all wounds... especially
when someone gives you the power to
control it," Lite said. "My guess is
that you sold your soul to Frank, the
Demon Lord of '70s Memorabilia, who
wanted you to use the magic scythe and
hourglass he gave you to transform his
enchanted '70s costumes into ordinary,
even stylish-looking clothes -- clothes
everyday people would be tricked into
wearing, once you set up your phony
factory. Frank gets a legion of
unsuspecting people wearing his
possessed clothes, you get your friends
back from the dead..."
"Who are you supposed to be? Pulls-
Mother Time said. "My name is Tamela,
thank you very much. I took the hourglass
and scythe from the Time Crapper when
we broke up."
"Really?" Lite said. "My ex never
even returned the movie we rented on
our last date to the video store. How'd
you end up with such a great consolation
"And I've never heard of any
dark lord of '70s... whatever you said
he was," Mother Time said, finishing
her drink and getting out of her chair.
"Then where did you get the idea
to sell old clothes as new outfits?"
"From Urban Outfitters," Mother
Time said. "God, you must be the
worst super-hero I've ever... what's
"That's the sound of your Mirror
of Possibility crashing like Lindsay
Lohan on a Monday morning," Ripping
Dancer said. "Thanks for distracting
"It's what I do," Lite said,
"But... but... that thing wasn't
even paid for!" Mother Time moaned,
slamming the butt of her scythe into
the floor. "Just for that, I'm going
to ship all your asses to the dawn of
time and leave you in a puddle full of
"Not without this, you won't,"
Ordinary Lady said, holding up
Mother Time's magic hourglass.
"Hey! That was an anniversary
present!" Mother Time screamed, her
scythe crackling with energy. "How
"Transmat out!" Ordinary Lady said,
and the Legionnaires disappeared in
a flash of light.
"I never really wanted to be an
Oscar Meyer wiener," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a
Boy Blue said, clearly shaken by his
experience. "And yet, maybe... maybe
on some deeper level, I did."
"There, there," Easily-Discovered
Man said. "All of us have, at one time
"That was pretty quick thinking,"
Ripping Dancer said, following Ordinary
Lady from the transmatter terminal to the
Central Command Center. "Was there
ever really such a person as Helen Reddy?"
"Not that I know of," Lite said. "So
how did you know that staying blindfolded
would keep the mirror from producing
duplicates of us?"
"I didn't," Ripping Dancer admitted.
"I just wasn't ready to face the women
I might have been."
"We've got a situation," Ordinary
Lady said, as the group entered the
command center's conference room.
"I have Mother Time's hourglass,
but she still has her scythe. She's
angry, and she's probably on her way
"He says, 'That's good news!
Maybe she'll finally bring back that
Legion landspeeder. Do you have any
idea how much fuel that thing...' "
"We're not invading Ve.net.zuela,"
Ordinary Lady said. Turning to
Innovative-Offense Boy, she asked,
"Are our troops ready to fight?"
"I'll check with our @#$%^^&
trainer," Innovative-Offense Boy
said, activating a button on one of
the wall consoles. A gong rang,
and WikiBoy appeared, still dressed
in his monk's robes.
"We need everyone on the team ready
immediately," Ordinary Lady said.
"Are they up for it?"
WikiBoy bowed and said something
"He's standing in front of a
yellow wall," Innovative-Offense Boy
said. "I can't read the *@#$%^!
"Oh," Linguist Lass said. "I'll
just tap into this new power I have that
allows everyone in the room to understand
what everyone else is saying."
Every eye in the chamber focused
on Linguist Lass.
"What?" she asked.
"You might have *@#$%^& mentioned
this sooner," Innovative-Offense Boy
"I like to feel important,"
Linguist Lass said.
"As I was saying," WikiBoy said.
"Hardly any of the Legion is prepared
for combat duty. In fact, most of them
are recovering in the medical wing."
"What?" Ordinary Lady said. "But I
left orders for them to be trained to
the utmost levels of physical fitness!"
"And so they were," WikiBoy said.
"But many of our members haven't
experienced a great deal of activity
for quite some time. In fact, just the
walk from his office to the Peril Room
was enough to place Renegade
Programmer on the disabled list."
"I see," said Ordinary Lady,
sinking into one of the command center's
leather chairs. "Who do we have left?"
"The only ones to make it through
the training process... especially after
the incident with Bad-Timing Boy... were
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl and
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Red," WikiBoy
"Well done, you beer-guzzling,
flag-waving, ill-educated mouth
breather," said Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy
Blue, as Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Red
entered the chamber.
"Glad to see ya too, ya French-
speakin', latte-swillin' godless
Communist cut-n-runner," Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Red said, shaking his
"We need more *@#$%^& options,"
Innovative-Offense Boy said, activating
the room's monitor screen. "Dr. Bad-
Bedside Manner, any luck with those *&^%$#!
robot duplicates of the Legion?"
"See for yourself," Dr. Bad-Bedside
Manner said. "We've had some trouble
with the DNA sequencing. When we tried
to make a duplicate of Ultimate Ninja,
The Legion's medical expert stepped
back to reveal what appeared to be an
enormous black-and-white panda wearing
a mask and carrying a pair of swords.
"Rrrr?" Ultimate Panda bleated.
"Try pouring some *@#$%^& hot water
on his head," Innovative-Offense Boy
advised. He switched off the viewscreen,
striking the wall with his hand.
"*&@#$%^!" he said. "Well, at least
the building's *@#$%^& automatic
defenses ought to slow her down for a few
"You mean the ones that someone just
aged a year and two weeks -- the precise
amount of time before our defense systems
went out of warranty?" WikiBoy asked,
scanning a nearby computer display.
"What the *&@#$%^?" Innovative-Offense
Boy said. "Who the *&^%$# would make
technology that crapped out after only
one year of *&^%$#@ use?"
He stared at the fruit-shaped symbol
on one of the chamber's iTurrets and
"She'll be here any minute," Ordinary
Lady said. "I have to lead the fight
"I know," Innovative-Offense Boy said.
"It's just... *&@#$%^^."
"It's getting close to midnight,"
Ordinary Lady said, drawing closer. "Let's
say goodbye now, just in case we don't see
each other again."
"Never *@#$%^^ say that," Innovative-
Offense Boy said. "No matter what happens,
no matter where you might go, I will
@#$%^&* find you. If I have to @#$%^&* up
Heaven and Hell, if I have to tear my way
into the &*^%$#@ underworld, grab the devil
by the @#$%^&*, @#$%^&* his @#$$%^& and
@#$%^&* down his @$%^&*& throat..."
"Come now, my fellow Legionnaires,"
Easily-Discovered Man said, quietly escorting
the other members of the team from the room.
"Let us give them this moment together..."
(Part II of LNH Comics Presents #54 follows)
From: EDMLite <robro... at gmail.com>
Subject: LNH: LNH Comics Presents #54.5: Infinite Leadership Cry.sig #19.5
Date: Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:56:44 +0000 (UTC)
The walls of Legion of Net.Heroes
Headquarters shook as the first of Mother
Time's salvos struck the building. Before
the Legion's astonished eyes, the white
corridors and grey blast doors of the
complex shivered into wood paneling, gas
Tiffany lamps and angular leather furniture.
"By Roosevelt's spinning wheels of
democracy!" Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue
gasped. "She's de-aged the building itself
back to the days when it was the Net.ropolis
"Have you noticed," Easily-Discovered Man
Lite said, flipping a coin into a burnished-
chrome fountain in the shape of two dolphins
that had appeared in the middle of the lobby,
"that every time Mother Time shows up, she's
exponentially more powerful than she was
"Part of the super-villain code, my lad,"
Easily-Discovered Man explained. "With each
meeting, both hero and villain must carry
their skills and showmanship to the next
level, else either appear incompetent or
ill-prepared in the eyes of the other... or,
mayhap, the world!"
"Then how are we supposed to take her?"
Ripping Dancer asked. "I'm not feeling any
more powerful than I was this afternoon."
"We do it by KICKING SOME ASS," Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.
"There are more of us than there are of
her," Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl pointed
out. "I usually work one-on-one, but we
could always just overwhelm her with sheer
"That's *@#$%^& brilliant!" said Innovative-
Offense Boy, joining them in the lobby.
"Jean, I think I have a plan. If I could borrow
the Obnoxious #$%^& Ame.rec.a Boys for a
"But the ASS KICKING! The ASS KICKING!"
"Take them," Ordinary Lady said, "and
Godspeed." She watched until the three heroes
had left the room before turning to the others.
"Special-Bonding Boy, do what you can to
protect Adamant-Authority-On-Everything," she
said. "Linguist Lass, see if you can rouse
Pulls-Paper Out-Of-Hats Lad from the infirmary.
We may need him before long. The rest of you,
"So there you are," Mother Time said, as
Ordinary Lady entered the hotel courtyard.
"Hand over the hourglass, and maybe I'll leave
you with some part of your body that isn't
"Time out," Ordinary Lady said, dropping
a pair of gas grenades from her hands.
"WikiBoy! Dancer! Take them!"
"Ooh! Chlorobenzalmalononitrile! Nasty
stuff," Mother Time said, the blade of her
scythe sparkling through the cloud of gas. "But
not so much, once I rewind it back to its
component parts. And the same is true for you,"
she said, pointing the scythe at WikiBoy.
"Egad! She is using her weapon to undo
each of WikiBoy's edits... taking him back
further and further into his own history!"
Easily-Discovered Man cried.
"If she takes him back far enough, she'll
get past the prohibition that allows only
LNH members to edit him, and will be able to
alter him herself," Ordinary Lady said.
"Dancer! Stop her!"
The woman called Ripping Dancer began to
gyrate -- slowly at first, and then with
renewed confidence and grace, her shapely
figure undulating in time to a steady,
pulsating rhythm. Cracks opened within
the sidewalk in front of her, spreading
to the pavement and knocking Mother Time off
"Now's our chance! Go!" Ordinary Lady
cried, as Lite helped a badly-rattled WikiBoy
back to the hotel lobby.
Ordinary Lady, Easily-Discovered Man and
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl rushed
forward, as Mother Time struggled to right
"Always be mindful of your surroundings,"
Mother Time said, aiming her scythe at the
pavement in front of her. With a sound like
several thousand hornets hissing through their
spiracles, the ground sizzled and returned
to some far-off time when it had been a tar pit.
"Look out!" Ordinary Lady said -- but
while her agility allowed her to jump clear,
neither Easily-Discovered Man nor Sleeps-With
Anything-Alive Girl were as lucky.
"Perfidious petroleum!" Easily-Discovered
Man said, as the black ooze clung to his boots
and glowing cape. "To be bogged down at a
time like this...!
"This sucks," Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive
"And as for you," Mother Time said,
turning her weapon toward Ripping Dancer,
"it's time to take you from 33 1/3 to 45."
Her scythe fired again, and Ripping
Dancer found her legs spasming out of
"She's a maniac! A maniac on the floor!"
cried Easily-Discovered Man Lite, emerging
from the hotel lobby. "And she's dancing
like she's never danced before!"
"And now it's just us," Mother Time said,
turning to Ordinary Lady.
"I wouldn't have it any other way,"
Ordinary Lady said, drawing her sword.
* * *
"So what's this 'ultimate weapon' you're
planning to use against Mother Time?"
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue asked, as they
entered one of the lesser-used corridors of
the headquarters-turned-hotel. Empty boxes,
bits of insulation and half-crushed cans of
Mr. Paprika lay everywhere, the result of an
entire week without the presence of
"Potentially the most devastating
*@#$%^& force ever assembled within these
walls," said Innovative-Offense Boy. "If
we can figure out how to motivate them."
"So where the Hell (TM) is it?" Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a. Boy Red asked.
"Look the *@#$%^& up," Innovative-Offense
The two patriotic heroes did, their mouths
hanging open in unison. The corridor opened
into a small chapel -- once the exclusive
domain of the Self-Righteous Preacher, now
the home of thousands upon thousands of
fuzzy green kiwis.
"You can't be *@#$%^& serious," Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.
"Most of them have had *@#$%^& military
training," Innovative-Offense Boy said.
"Mother Time seems to be able to react fast
enough to take out any one of us, maybe any
dozen of us. But there's no *@#$%^&* way
she'd be able to stop an army this size."
"So do we just flap our arms?" Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Blue said. "What kinds of
natural predators do they have?"
"Leopard seals, right?" Obnoxious Ame.
rec.a Boy Red said. "Or is it tigers?"
"There are no tigers in Net.Zealand,"
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue chided.
"Oh, right. That place. Part of
Alt.stralia, right? Where that guy who
directed those Dungeons & Dragons movies
A rustling sound spread through the
massive flock of kiwis. Innovative-Offense
Boy slowly backed away from the two Ame.rec.an
"It's not part of Alt.stralia!" Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Blue corrected. "It's a
sovereign nation, home to... I don't know.
Sheep and rugby, I suppose."
The fluttering above their heads became
louder, forcing Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Red
to shout in order to make himself heard.
"Rugby? What the Hell (TM) kind of sport
is that?" he asked, as the kiwis began to stir.
"True," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue said.
"It's not what one might call a proper sport,
"You're damn right it's not," Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Red said. "Do they have a World
Series in rugby? Or a Winston Cup? Now
NASCAR....THAT's a sport!"
"I suppose there was that World Cup back in
1987," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue said.
"But that was a long time ago, and anyway, it
was probably a lucky..."
"KIIIIIIIII-WIIIIIII!" screamed the assembled
mass of fluffy green birds, finally driven into
a murderous rage. Seeing the feathered tide
sweep down from the rafters, the pews, the pulpit
and the organ pipes, Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boys Red
and Blue did the only sensible thing they could
and ran for their lives.
"I *@#$%^& love it when a plan comes together,"
Innovative-Offense Boy said.
* * *
"Time to wrap this case up," Ordinary Lady
said, raising a pair of handcuffs over a prone
The clock tower overlooking Four Color Square
began to strike midnight.
"Ow! Hey! What's the rush? You need to
be somewhere?" Mother Time said.
"I need to..." Ordinary Lady began.
The handcuffs clattered to the ground.
"Well, that was a lucky break, whatever
that was," Mother Time said, picking up her
scythe from the ground and walking past the
splayed bodies of Easily-Discovered Man,
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl, and Ripping
Dancer. She pushed on the heavy brass rail
that opened the doors of the Net.ropolis
"Lite! Stop her!" Easily-Discovered Man
"I'll try, Prof," Lite said. "But you
know what they say... Time, untied, waits
for no man."
"And now, to take possession of my...
what in the world?" she said, as the hotel's
hallways echoed with a distant thunder.
"Gangway!" screamed Obnoxious Ame.rec.a
Boy Red, as he and Blue raced past.
"Well, that was rude," Mother Time said.
"I was expecting more of a WHAT IN THE LIVING
HELL IS THAT?!!!"
"KIIIIIIIII-WIIIIII!" cried the onrushing
tidal wave of kiwis.
* * *
"And so it's decided," Pulls-Paper-Out-Of
Hats Boy said, with great reluctance.
"Adamant-Authority-On-Everything is the new
leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes."
"Doesn't seem like there are many of us
left to lead," Steak-and-Potatoes Man said.
"Anybody else hear what sounds like a woman
screaming and a hundred million birds running
through the hallway?"
"It's probably just Obnoxious Ame.rec.a
Boy singing in the shower again," Linguist Lass
"Hungry!" the infant Adamant-Authority-On
"I'll go warm up some formula," Linguist
"No! Wait!" Special Bonding Boy said.
"It's his first order as LNH leader. He wants
us... to feed the hungry of Net.ropolis."
"Are you sure about that?" Pulls-Paper-Out
Of-Hats-Lad said. "Because it seemed like..."
"Well, nobody knows how to feed the hungry
better than I do," Steak-and-Potatoes Man said.
"You heard the, uh, baby! Shake a leg! We've
got a city to feed!"
* * *
"Got... to... escape..." Mother Time said,
collapsing through the door of the TV lounge,
her once-silver robes in tatters. "Too...
She looked up to see a single Legionnaire
typing away at a laptop computer on the other
side of the room.
"Just... a... minute," she said, placing her
hands on her thighs and breathing deeply. "Will...
fight... you... as... soon... as... I... can..."
"Take your time," Time Waster Lad said.
"I'm right in the middle of a game."
Mother Time straightened up, throwing back
"Do you have any idea whom you're talking to?"
she said, as the hero continued to maneuver his
mouse. "I am the woman who just brought the
Legion of Net.Heroes to its knees! I transformed
your headquarters into a hotel! I outran a whole
helluva lot of little green birds! Clawing,
pecking little green birds..."
"Whatever," Time Waster Lad said. "The
question is, how are you at World of Warcraft?"
Mother Time approached the computer.
"What is this... World of Warcraft?" she
* * *
"That was amazing," Special Bonding Boy
said, clapping Steak-and-Potatoes Man on the
back. "To think that you managed to feed the
entire city of Net.ropolis, stock the food bank
for a year, and still have enough to send an
emergency shipment to the people of North Korea."
"It was nothing," the Chief of Chefs said.
"Or rather, it was our leader's inspiration."
"What should we do now?" Special Bonding Boy
said, as they re-entered the Central Command
Center. "And what is that... unusual smell?"
"Change! Change! Need change!" screamed
"I'm not touching this one," Pulls-Paper-
Out-Of-Hats Boy said.
"He's right," Special Bonding Boy said.
"The Legion has always been a reactive
organization. What if, instead of waiting to
respond to crises, we took it upon ourselves to
enact a little social change?"
"The South Side has been paralyzed by
gang warfare these past three weeks,"
Steak-and-Potatoes Man said. "If only there
was some way to get the two sides talking to
"That's my specialty!" Linguist Lass
beamed. "Let's get down there right away!"
"Fine," snapped Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats
Boy, drawing a paper diaper from his hat.
"Leave me to take care of the nasty stuff.
I'm getting overtime for this!"
* * *
"Stop hogging all the treasure,"
Mother Time said, elbowing Time-Waster
Lad away from the keyboard. "And
what does it mean when it says 'You
have been pwned?' "
"It means that your enemies have
captured your weapons, unraveled your
schemes, and are preparing to take you into
custody," Innovative-Offense Boy said,
holding Mother Time's scythe. "Essentially,
"Wait! Please! Just one more round!
I was just starting to get good at it!"
Mother Time wailed, as Easily-Discovered Man
and Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Red hauled her
"Nice *@#$%^& job," Innovative-Offense
Boy said, congratulating Time-Waster Lad.
"You defeated one of the most powerful
@#$%^&^& this team has ever faced, and you
did it without ever leaving the @#$%^&
lounge. You know, you'll probably get a
*&^%$#@ medal for this."
"Sure, sure," Time-Waster Lad said.
"Right after the next commercial."
* * *
"Trust me," the newly-reprogrammed
robot duplicate of Dr. Stomper said. "I
can re-set Mother Time' scythe to turn all
of the Legionnaires... including all of the
kiwi eggs you gathered... back to their
correct chronological ages."
"Well, if you can't trust a robot
duplicate cobbled together during a crisis,
who can you trust?" Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner
said. "But what about the two Obnoxious
"No problem," Robo-Stomper said. "We
just need to find a subject on which both
of them completely and totally agree with
each other. The war on terror, for
"Is simply a means by which the
President imposes his fascist will upon the
earth," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue said.
"You'll be singing a different tune
once ol' Al Kayda comes knockin' on yer
door," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.
"Okay," Dr. Bad-Bedside Manner said.
"What about the war on drugs?"
"Finally putting those damn hippies
in their place," Red said.
"Needlessly filling our prisons with
those who have committed a victimless
crime," Blue retorted.
"Both of them represent the extremes
of the Ame.rec.an political spectrum,"
Dr, Bad-Bedside-Manner mused. "If only
we could think of something so middle-of
the-road, so utterly without any kind of
a firm political stance whatsoever..."
"Hillary Clinton," Robo-Stomper said.
Both Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boys
looked at each other.
"Can't stand her," they said in unison,
and merged into one being.
* * *
"And for your work in providing for
those in need, mediating a truce to end
the city's violence, and helping to restore
Net.ropolis' economy and vitality by
persuading the entire city to take an
afternoon nap, it is my honor to present
the keys of this great city to Adamant-
Authority-On-Everything, perhaps the
greatest hero this world has ever known."
The mayor reached out his hand, and
"What is this?" the mayor said,
staring into the frilled blue baby
carriage being pushed by Linguist Lass.
"Am I to understand that the leader of
the Legion of Net.Heroes is a..."
"Hang on," said the robot Doctor
Stomper, aiming Mother Time's scythe
at the carriage. A flash of light,
followed by the sound of an entire
colony of ants coughing at once, and a
took the mayor's hand.
"Much better," the mayor said. "It is
indeed an honor for me to shake hands with
the man who has brought peace and harmony
"Peace, my diapered ass!" Adamant-
Authority-On-Everything said. "It's time
for a new world order, in which the winds of
democracy will come whistling through the bomb-
blasted battlefields of Ve.net.zuela. I hereby
The sun disappeared, as did the red-
faced leader of the LNH.
"Whoops," said Easily-Discovered Man
Lite. "Guess I really ought to be more
careful with Mother Time's hourglass."
"What happened?" the mayor gasped.
"Why did it suddenly get dark outside?"
"Have no fear, your honor," the robot
Doctor Stomper said. "Things may seem a
little... unusual, for the moment.
But everything is under control..."
LEGION ROLL CALL:
Renegade Programmer, Self-Righteous
Preacher, Special Bonding Boy
and Ultimate Ninja.... wReam
Bad-Timing Boy.... Vernon Harmon
Captain Cleanup... Maurice Beyke
.... Peter "Tick" Milan
Doctor Stomper.... T.M. Neeck
Easily-Discovered Man and
Easily Discovered Man Lite
.... Rob Rogers
Frat Boy, Innovative-Offense Boy
and Steak and Potatoes Man
.... Enrique Conty
Kid Kiwi's Kiwi Kommandoes
Kid Recap... Josh Geurink
Linguist Lass and Ordinary Lady
.... Martin Phipps
New Look Lass.... Charles Fitzgerald
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy.... Jamas Enright
Procrastination Boy.... Jason Kanner
Ripping Dancer.... Arthur Spitzer
Sarcastic Lad.... Gary St. Lawrence
and WikiBoy.... Tom Russell
Super Apathy Lad.... Jacob Lesgold
Time-Waster Lad.... Ray Rich
"A leader is a dealer in hope."
Next Week: More leaders! More disappearing -- Part XII!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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