LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #71: Birth Of A Villain Part Eleven

[Drew Perron]

On 7/29/2018 4:50 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Returning to the Birth of a Villain cascade with #29 is Jamie
> Rosen who was apparently shamed by Marc Singer into advancing
> the plot.  Also I do remember Google-13 from a week ago.  But
> will I remember him next time?

I mean fair. X3

> And with #30 Saxon Brenton comes back with some continuity
> suggestions from Ben Rawluk, Dave Van Domelen, Jessica
> Ihimaera-Smiler, and Rob Rogers.

Ooooo yes, team effort!

> Birth of a Villain #29
> "Another 48 Minutes", or "Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte Did *What*?"

Heeheehee. That was a movie!

>    A whole heckuva lot, including: A slew of evil beings called Melissa/Vector
> attack the Legion of Net.Heroes and putting a good number of them to sleep;
> an unholy alliance between the Church of the Fourth Wall and the Church of
> Dvandom being broken in favour of an unholy alliance between the Church of
> the Fourth Wall and the Nodakommandos; Mouse, Easily-Discovered Man Lite and
> company being sent back in time to 1984 and having to battle Russian heroes
> Boris and Natasha; Writer's Block Woman, Insomnia Lad, Chinese Guy, and
> Fourth Wall Lass having to fend off a mechaLissa; Authorial and Lad (and
> Narcoleptic Lad *clunk* zzzz....) being saved from Vector by
> Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass; Former President WH Taft being brought
> back from the dead to attack the Church of the Fourth Wall; the
> Cabbage-Wielding Angel of Death being summoned to battle Former President WH
> Taft; and Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad, the Expendable Man, and Pedestrian
> Girl of the extra-dimensional Legion of Costumed Individuals accidentally
> arriving in the Loonieverse and teaming with a classic hero nobody has ever
> heard of before, Google-13.

This is a very Full storyline.

>    *Zppft*
>    *Phloom*
>    *Skra-ma-na-KWANG!*
>    The sounds of battle emanated from the building

That's some battle!

>    "I'm glad he managed to reload between issues," Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad
> said,

Heeheehee

> It was on this
> scene of devastation that our heroes (for the moment) arrived.
>    Now, consider the image confronting them:
> 
>    -a reanimated corpse bellowing and waving its powerful arms about in a
> threatening and destructive manner
>    -an angel -- yes, an Angel of Death, but an angel nonetheless
> 
>    What would you do?
>    "Freeze, you son of a gun," Google-13 said, pointing his pistol at the
> shambling monstrosity that was Former President Taft. "Or by gosh I'll shoot
> you where you stand."

It's an excellent point and a good contextualization outside Superhero Logic.

>    "Don't you ever shoot something and have it *work*?"

Heeheehee

>    "Hey, Taft, can you keep up?" Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad asked, breaking
> into a fast-paced Mashed Potato. "Well, can you?"
>    Taft paused, and this time it wasn't solely because of his misfiring
> synapses. What would Teddy do? flitted across the bleak landscape of his
> interior monologue once again, followed by the answer...
>    The Charleston.

I can't believe Guardians of the Galaxy ripped off Birth of a Villain

(also I seriously love this part)

>    "Well what do you know," the Expendable Man said as he stood up, rubbing
> his jaw. "Dead can dance."

Heeheehee

>    But before Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad could get away, the creature made its
> move -- swiping the entire choreography for "Thriller"!

Oh my goodness

>    "Applejacks," Pedestrian Girl whispered. Then she turned to Google-13.
> "He's challenging Taft to battle," she explained.
>    "I know that," he said, starting in on a fresh cigarette and holstering his
> custom-made-in-1984 weapon. "You think I've never seen b-boys before?"

I just. I love the entire mise-en-scene here. X3

>    Thoughts of DESTROY, DESTROY and KILL ALL WHO OPPOSE YOU were supplanted in
> Taft's mind by more pressing instincts, instincts that could not be ignored.
> BUST, BREAK and BOOGIE took up all of his limited thought processes.

*CACKLES*

>    On cue, Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad strode confidently to the centre of
> the circle, starting out with some footwork, then segueing into a float
> which turned into an impressive bronco series. Some more footwork bridged
> the gap into a rubber band. The crowd cheered enthusiastically.
>    "I hope he didn't bust out a big move too early in the game," Google-13
> said.
>    "Well, it's challenged Taft to match him already, before the ex-president
> may have had the chance to warm up," Pedestrian Girl observed.

This is also just good commentating. X3

>    "Well, that's that," Pedestrian Girl said, turning her back so she could
> face Google-13. "I told you Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad could--"
>    "ROAAWAAAR!"
>    The circle scattered as the zombie got back to its feet. It had been
> burned, and that was something it would neither forget nor forgive easily.

Oh, right, the fighting

>    The Cabbage-Wielding Angel of Death's cabbage found its mark, crashing full
> on into the humiliated ex-president and driving the unlife from his body,
> which collapsed in a heap of improperly-exhumed body parts on the floor as
> the Angel disappeared from the scene.

But see, this is a thoughtful stroke - their control of Taft's attention is what 
allowed this to end.

>    Father Brown looked over the readouts he had been receiving on an hourly
> basis. Something was going wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. As wrong as a
> movie about a chimpanzee playing hockey. As wrong as movie about a dog
> playing football. As wrong as a movie starring Pauley Shore, David Arquette,
> or Tom Green.
>    Father Brown shuddered. Maybe not quite *that* wrong.

The '90s!

>    "Read this to me," Father Brown said, handing a sheaf of papers to the
> deacon. "I trust not my own eyes."

Good dialog!

> "I can't catch a break around here. I mean, really. We have agents
> reporting intervention by characters who haven't been seen in *years*. It's a
> mad house, I tell you, a mad house!!!!!"
>    Deacon Split-The-Defense glanced at his fellow deacons, who were studiously
> ignoring Father Brown's imminent nervous breakdown.

Heeheehee

>    "Father," the deacon said. "What should we do?"
>    "What *can* we do?" Father Brown wailed, burying his face in the sleeves of
> his robe of office. "I should have just stayed in bed today."

X3

>    Father Brown shook his head. "No... it is... our best hope." As he pulled
> his face from his sleeve and dabbed at his nose with one cuff, all of the
> alarms in the compound went silent.
>    "That's a relief," he said.
>    Then they burst into a renewed cacophony.
>    "WHAT NOW?!!?!!!??!!" he wailed.
>    "I'm sorry, sir," a technician said, running into the office. "We ran out
> of alarms, so we had to reboot the system so we could use the alarms for a
> new calamity."

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. X3

>    "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!"
>    wReamicus Maximus frowned. Fourth Wall Lass was still asleep.
>    "Rise and shine, pumpkin."
>    Still no response.
>    His frown deepening by the second, wReamicus put down the tray of scrambled
> eggs and bacon and walked over to the tap, where he got a glass of water.
> Returning to Fourth Wall Lass' prone form, he emptied the contents directly
> onto her face. Still no reaction.
>    "Curses!" he cursed. "What use is a sleeping Fourth Wall Lass?"

X3 X3 X3

>    "Tell me," Pedestrian Girl said to Google-13 as she bandaged the cuts and
> scrapes the Expendable Man and Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad had accumulated
> during the battle, "why are you such a bitter anti-hero?"
>    Google-13 opened a fresh pack of smokes, looking off into the distance. "It
> happened a long time ago. I'd been in the heroing game for a few years
> already, but I was still naive. I still thought I could make a difference. I
> still thought people were inherently good."
<snip>
> Minute 35, but 17 years earlier
> 
>    "Now we set off the bomb and destroy you, hostage Stomper, and Times Square
> all at same time!"
>    Those were the first words the idealistic young man heard upon arriving on
> the scene.

This is *such* a smart way of tying all this together. This is the kind of thing 
I try to emulate in my crossover chapters, but usually not so elegantly.

> Drawing the
> handgun his associate Queue had just finished making specially for him,

Heeheehee

>    "Because you're willing to die for your beliefs," Mouse said.
>    "Yes."
>    "Because you're willing to sacrifice your life for a meaningless and
> utterly symbolic act devoid of any real value as a catalyst for change,"
> added Easily-Discovered Man Lite.
>    "Yes."
>    Boris tapped Natasha on the shoulder. "I am not being sure about this," he
> said.

Heeheehee

>    "Much better," the heroic newcomer said, moving quickly to pick up the
> detonator before a clumsy Russian Net.Villain accidentally stepped on it. He
> walked over to the other heroes, who were gathering and starting to yell at
> each other. "Here you go," he said, handing the device to Mouse. He glanced
> at her clothes. "Nice outfit."
>    Mouse glared at him. "Thanks," she said, dryly.
>    "Hey, buddy," Lite said. "Eyes off my woman."
>    Mouse's glare turned to Lite and redoubled in strength.
>    "That's not a very enlightened way to talk," the fellow said. He turned to
> Mouse. "I'm sure you could do better. Well, see you around." He saluted them
> with the barrel of his gun and turned to go.
>    "Hey, buddy," Lite said, causing the man to turn around once more. "What's
> your name?" he asked.
>    "Google," the man said, smiling. "Google-13."

That didn't explain anything, tho X3

> Author's Note: Hope I did a good job of actually furthering the plot.

Reader's Note: Yes.

> Desperately trying to keep up with Jamie's flurry of creativity

Hell yeah

> What has gone before:
>       Stuff.
>       Oh, you want specifics? Very well then.

I love Saxon's writing

>       One, nominally being led by the semi-retired world beating
> villain Tsar Chasm is - depending on which version of the plot you're
> using at any one time - staying at the LNHHQ to synthesise a cure for
> Legionnaires disease, or heading off to Sig.ago to prevent the Church
> from inadvertently destroying the first, second and third walls. Or
> possibly both, since Tsar Chasm's statements in issues 23 and 26 about
> what needs to be done aren't completely irreconcilable.
>       The second group, nominally being led by Mouse and Easily-
> Discovered Man Lite, has gone off to find the Lotion of Emotion as a
> way to stop Melissa/Vector. Half of this group was accidentally
> transported back in time to 1984, and are currently working on a way
> to get back to the present. The other half, who are the subject of
> this post, continue in their search for the Lotion of Emotion.

Huh, that's more coherent than I thought this story could be - but Saxon's good 
at that.

>       "Don't worry boys!" Writers Block Woman trilled, temporarily
> shaking off the funk that had enveloped her ever since Mouse (along
> with several other Legionnaires and sundry assorted companions) had
> been vanished away by a Melissa-clone back in _Birth of a Villain_ #22.
> "I'll save you!"
>       "We've been through this one before," Insomnia Lad pointed out.
> "You can't carry us both."
>       Writers Block Woman snapped her fingers. "Oh yes, that's right.
> Drat."

Heeheehee

>       wReamicus Maximus, the self-proclaimed First Acolyte of Dvandom
> and leader of the Church of the same, looked over the results of
> issue 27 of _Birth of a Villain_ with satisfaction. He glanced up to
> another cowled member of his church. "Well done, Merger. Please take
> your rest now. I shall call you again when I need you."
>       Merger (a minor supporting character who, to the best of this
> Writer's knowledge, has not been seen since 'Jungle Cheesecake') bowed
> and departed.

Of course Saxon would invoke such a character.

> Thanks to Merger's power
> three new net.heroes from *yet another* imprint had been dragged into
> this cascade story. Ah, chaos, how he loved it! And best of all, one
> of these 'Legion of Costumed Individuals' was named Fourth Wall
> Demolisher Lad, someone whose mere presence would irritate the Church
> of the Fourth Wall no end.

There we go.

>       Still, no time to gloat. There were things to do and grievous
> injustices to perpetrate. On the other hand, there was one more thing
> that he could do to make life just that little bit more uncomfortable
> for the Church of the Fourth Wall. He pressed a button, and began to
> beam a *very special* pre-recorded commercial into the communication
> system of the Cathedral of Hate...
<snip>
>       "Yo there folks! Badger here with an invite to you to get down
> here to the RACCCafe this Friday night for the regular 'Weekend's Eve
> Party'.

omg I forgot, this is such a good use of the RACCCafe X3

>       The four net.ahumans regained consciousness, and were surprised
> to find that the three of them who had been most recently alive, were
> still alive.

Heeheehee

>       "That's good," said Chinese Guy, inspecting the locked door that
> marked the only obvious exit. "The further we are from a desert, the
> less likely we are to get roped into doing dingo jokes. I've had this
> bad feeling about the name 'Alice Springs' for quite a while now."

God, I remember when they referenced that in the Rugrats movie (the first one) 
and it was Pure Cringe.

>       DeadHead Man nodded, then went, "Ow!" as he tried to pass through
> the wall and found that he couldn't. "It's no good, man. The dudes who
> built this thing made it, like, unpassable."

I would question how that's possible but this *is* the Looniverse.

>       Writers Block Woman grimaced. "I'm her mother. I worry! Ever
> since DeadHead Man met up with us again off-panel between issues 25
> and 26 and told us that they had all been transported back in time
> rather than disintegrated by Melissa's death ray in issue 22, and that
> she was running around in deplorable eighties fashions, I've just been
> worried sick.

Saxon *thank you* for being the first writer to establish that WBW knows Mouse 
isn't dead. Sheesh.

>       "Is there anything else that you can tell us about what happened
> once the six of you were transported into the past?" Chinese Guy
> asked of DeadHead Man.
>       DeadHead Man considered this for a second, then replied, "The
> Jerry Garcia concerts were even better the second time around, 'cause
> I could take a front row view."

Also thank you for using this very ridiculous excuse

>       "Better do as they say," said Insomnia Lad, whose encyclopaedia-
> like knowledge of formulaic plot lines gave him a pretty good idea of
> what was coming. The Legionnaires needed information, and spruiking
> a villain was a time honoured way to get just that.

Oh, I've been meaning to look that up...

spruik (ˈspruːɪk)
vb
(intr) archaic slang Austral
to speak in public (used esp of a showman or salesman)

So... getting the villain to monologue? Yeah, legit

>       It all looked so much like a movie set from a spy thriller film
> that the one inconsistency was glaringly obvious. The four heroes
> could not help but notice that on a small table to one side of the
> villain's own desk were some childrens' dolls.

Oh, I like how Lalo used this

>       " 'The most dangerous man in the world', " DeadHead Man recited.
>       Khe Saraq sighed. "If you wish. That particularly hyperbolic nom
> de guerre isn't one that I chose myself, but one tries to live up to
> one's reputation."

This is a good speech pattern

>       Writers Block Woman struck a dramatic pose. "We are the Legion of
> Net.Heroes..."
>       "Plus one," pointed out NTBer DeadHead Man.
>       "...plus one..." said WBW.
>       "Better make that plus two," said Chinese Guy, who at this point
> in continuity wasn't a LNH member yet.
>       "...plus two," amended WBW, without missing a beat.

I love all of them

>       "Writers Block Woman... Ah, you are Alys, then. So pleased to
> meet you. Ian told me so much about you."
>       "Ian?"
>       "Ian Bond."

Oh yeah, this is a reference to her series. :>

> He wines and dines every beautiful lady that he
> meets as a matter of course, but during our last encounter he seemed
> somewhat distracted and barely survived the piranha tank death-trap.
> We had lunch afterwards - under armed supervision of course, because
> he does have a nasty tendency to try and use hors d'oeuvres as missile
> weapons during escape bids if he's left unsupervised - and he
> mentioned you."

THAT'S SO CUTE.

>       "Oh?" said Insomnia Lad archly. "You mean the one that stole the
> LNHHQ? *That* Carmen SanFrancisco?"
>       (It was still a sore point with some of the Legionnaires who had
> actually been inside at the time.)

Heeheehee

> "We are here seeking the Lotion of Emotion..."
>       "Which counteracts the Potion of Commotion." said Khe Saraq.
>       The four of them blinked in surprise. "You already know about
> it?" WBW said.
>       "Yes, of course. Did you think that it was a dead-end clue?

I mean, in a cascade, any plot point can abruptly terminate, so...

> My
> chemists have been synthesising both the Lotion and the Potion for
> quite some time. A while ago a sample of the Potion of Commotion was
> stolen from the 'Alice Springs' base, and now with the appearance of
> Vector and her virus-based powers, it's obvious what happened to it.

Oh, yeah, god, I need to get back to WikiLull, I have a Whole Idea for this

>       "I'm afraid not. I am already assembly a squad of my minions to
> use the Lotion against Melissa," he demurred. "You, however, are going
> to battle to the death with my giant carnivorous mutant platypuses. It
> is, after all, net.villain etiquette to always try and kill the
> heroes."

Heeheehee

>       "Waaahhh!" went the net.heroes as they fell into the pit.
>       Then, just as the trap door was closing, a voice could be heard
> from down below. "Uhm, guys? How come you two fell down here with us?
> You two can *fly*..."

*CACKLES* I love that Saxon doesn't even try to explain it

>       This lasted about fifteen minutes, before a distant rumbling
> caught his attention. He frowned, and turned to one of his guards. "Go
> and find out what that noise is..."
>       Which was just when a giant carnivorous mutant platypus burst
> through the double doors as though they were tissue paper, bellowing
> and snarling and baring its fangs. It was approximately two metres
> tall at the shoulder and caused considerable damage as it thrashed
> about. However, the most incongruous part of its appearance was the
> fact that Insomnia Lad had somehow managed find a bridle big enough
> to fit it and a cowboy hat for himself, and was riding on top of the
> monstrous monotreme as though it were a rodeo bronco and yelling,
> "Yee-HA!"

I LOVE THIS. WHAT A GOOD IMAGE.

>       An explosion rocked the room, almost forcing Khe Saraq to his
> knees. He dropped his cat, which yowled and ran away across the room.
> "No, it cannot end like this!"
>       "Nyah nyah nyah nyah!" went Writers Block Woman. "That's what the
> bad guys *always* say just before they get beaten."

Truth.

>       She looked down. Sitting rather smugly on the floor not far from
> her was a certain white cat.
>       "*You're* Khe Saraq?"
>       =( Well... Not entirely. I am the brains behind Khe Saraq. Khe
> Saraq is merely a facade. What better way to direct my criminal
> empire than to hide in plain sight and let my meat-puppets take all
> the credit - and hence all the danger - of up-front public relations?
> You may call me Tiddles. )=

Dun dun dunnnnn! This is also a great idea, and I love how Arthur used him in 
Beige Midnight.

>       =( So then, vale Dennis. Ah well, never mind. They all seem to
> meet such sticky ends, so I've found it's best not to get too attached
> to them. As they say, 'today is the first day of the rest of your
> life'. )=
>       Tiddles paused thoughtfully. =( You know, considering your
> connections to Jonathon Connery of Conspiracy Corporation, I wonder
> whether I should keep you indefinitely as my new front, or merely for
> a short term until I can get close enough to 'invite' him to take your
> place as the public face of my organisation. Decisions, decisions. )=
>       While Tiddles pondered these questions, the new Khe Saraq went
> off to change her wardrobe and begin setting operations back in order.

This is SUCH a good cliffhanger.

> HOW WILL MOUSE REACT TO THIS ENDING THAT HAS BEEN
> RIPPED-OFF FROM THE PLOT OF A POWERPUFF GIRLS ACARTOON?

I forgot about that. X3 I like this one better, tho - the ethics of that episode 
were kinda weird?

> "Ultimately, it works the way it does because it's the way plastic
> exterior transtemporal mechanics function when you're dealing with
> omni-dimensional ripple effects triggered at the end of a continuum
> packet."
>       - Kurt Busiek, rec.arts.comics.marvel.universe, 2001

I love Kurt Busiek.

Drew "and am completely unsurprised that he and Saxon are on the same 
wavelength" Perron