LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #116: LNH vII #6 and 7
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Aug 11 14:20:11 PDT 2019
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the sixth and seventh issue of LNH volume II.
For LNH vII #6 Jamie Rosen returns with a story focusing on
Fred the Receptionist. Is it time for Fred to do something more than
read magazines while ignoring people trying to get an appointment? Is
it time for Fred to kick ass and take names (or is that Cliche Dude's
job?). Also a Time-Waster Lad backup!
And Martin Phipps for #7 starts a multi-part story that takes us
back to the pre-Cosmic Plot Device Caper era of the LNH. It's
Bandwagon Chick in the 80s!
And now..
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #116
=====================
LNH vII #6 and 7
=====================
From: "Jamie Rosen" <jamie.rosen at sunlife.com>
Subject: [LNH] Legion of Net.Heroes volume 2 #6
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: 10 Jun 2005 02:22:37 -0000
___ ___________________________
| |-| \
| |-| [] /
| | | [] egion of \
| | | []__ [] [] [] [] / #6 "The Spectacular
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes \ Super Fred"
| | | []\ ] [ __ ] /
| |-| [] [] [] [] \
| |-|___________________________/
| |
| | (The cover shows a giant furry
| | lizard menacing the LNHHQ. As the
| | LNHers assemble to confront the
| | monster, Fred the Receptionist, in
| | a striking black and red bodysuit,
| | flies past them, proclaiming "Stand
| | back, Net.Heroes -- this is a job
|_| for Fred the Receptionist!")
[[]]Fred's Diary
It's not the sort of day I like. The place is dead. Nobody's coming or
going, not even any bothersome press, angry mobs, or stupid kids who
think they can get into the LNH simply because they've tacked a
descriptor in front of the word "Boy" or "Girl." I don't think we
really need a Flabby Lad or Too Much Make-Up Lass on the team.
I remember when it wasn't like this. Used to be, the days were busy but
fun. The people who applied for membership were qualified for the job.
They could, you know, *do* things. Kid Kirby. Fourth Wall Lass. Even
Special-Bonding Boy -- *those* are real Net.Heroes. I'd hate to think
the world's passing the Legion by.
Bah. The phone's ringing. Probably a wrong number. Or worse, a
telemarketer. I guess I'll come back to this later.
@%%%%%%%%%%@
"Legion of Net.Heroes," Fred the Receptionist said, picking up the
phone. "How may we be of assistance?"
"Oh thank goodness!" said the voice on the other line. "I need two
large pepperoni pizzas, a bottle of Mr. Paprika, an order of chicken
wings..."
"Excuse me, ma'am," Fred said. "This is the Legion of Net.Heroes. We
don't deliver pizza."
"You don't?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, ma'am."
She sighed exasperatedly. "Well why did you answer the phone then?!"
Before Fred could figure out how to respond to this question, she hung
up.
Grumbling words not fit for the eyes of children, Fred returned the
phone to its cradle and turned back to his monitor. .oO( Where was I? )
he thought to himself. .oO( Hmm, no matter. Perhaps a game of Hearts is
in order. ) He moved the cursor over the icon on his desktop, but when
he clicked the mouse button the screen turned blue.
ERROR: An unspecified file has comitted an unspecified error. Please
call for assistance.
Fred frowned. He tried the three-fingered salute: nothing. He tried it
again: still no response. Then he reached for the power button on his
computer's tower.
***BRDZAPPP!!!!***
A bolt of mysterious variegated energy leapt from the space between his
finger and the button, enveloping both Fred and the computer in its
aura. Fred felt a charge through every pore of his body, the hairs on
his forearms standing on end, and found himself lying on the floor
beneath his desk.
"Oh my," Fred mumbled woozily, holding his head as he got up. "What
happened...? I feel so... so strange!"
The phone rang again, and Fred grabbed it with Ninja-like reflexes --
and ripped the receiver and cord from the body of the phone!
"What the hey?!" he exclaimed. "Why, that strange blast of energy seems
to have granted me the abilities of every member of the Legion of
Net.Heroes!" he added, exhibiting the suddenly-acquired insight of
either Doctor Stomper or Theory Man, depending. He thought for a
moment. "And I also seem to have destroyed my phone. Hmph." Thankfully,
he kept a drawer full of replacement phones for just such an occurence,
and was able to replace it in record time thanks to his newfound
Net.ahuman abilities.
And just in time, too.
***rrrrringggg***
"Hello, Legion of Net.Heroes. How may we help you today?"
"Oh thank goodness!" said the voice on the other end of the line. "I'm
in downtown Net.ropolis, and there's a giant green monster rampaging
through the city."
Fred's face lit up slightly. "All right," he said. "May I have your
address."
"Sure." As Fred jotted down the address, he noticed something familiar
about it.
"Hang on," he said. "That's right across the street."
"I know!" replied the voice on the other end. "And it's heading your
way!" Then, with the sound of severing phone lines, the line went dead,
and an ear-splitting scream echoed from outside of the LNHHQ.
Fred reached for the intercom to summon the Legion, but before he could
do so the front of the lobby caved in and a fifteen-foot creature
resembling a bipedal iguana in a fur coat barrelled into the room.
"ROAAWRRR!" it roared.
.oO( No time for the Legion! ) Fred thought to himself. .oO( Let's see
what these powers can do. ) Leaping to his feet, Fred struck what he
hoped was a dramatic pose and challenged the monster. "Hey!" he
shouted. "I hope you've got insurance!"
"ROAAWRRR!" the monster replied, shaking its head. It then grabbed a
chunk of rubble and threw it at Fred, who dodged it nimbly, grabbing
the severed phone cord with one hand as he calculated the perfect
trajectory for his toss.
"Catch!" he said, throwing the severed cord -- weighted with the
receiver at one end -- in such a way as to wrap it around the monster's
legs. Unfortunately, the phone cord was in no way strong enough to keep
the monster bound, and it broke free with depressing ease.
"ROAAWRRR!" it reiterated. It then leapt at Fred, who dodged once more
and dealt it a mighty blow to the side.
"Take that! And that!" he added, punching it once more. The creature
whimpered and backed off a bit. .oO( Now, ) Fred thought in the
moment's respite he was granted, .oO( Why would a giant monster rampage
through downtown Net.ropolis... ) He put the combined intellects and
knowledge of Dr. Stomper, Self-Righteous Preacher Man, Special-Bonding
Boy, and innumerable other LNHers to work on the problem. Meanwhile,
his body set to work dodging the not-so-jolly green giant and trading
blows with it.
At one point, the creature backed off once more using two
perfectly-executed backflips, followed by the splits, and Fred
experienced a breakthrough. .oO( Of course! Abandonment issues... ) He
held up his hands in a peaceful manner. "Please," he said imploringly.
"No more fighting. I understand what you are going through."
The creature cocked its head to one side and looked at Fred, puzzled.
"I had problems being accepted by my parents as well," Fred went on.
"My family is full of doctors -- lawyers -- diplomats... The thought
that my life's ambition was to be a receptionist, even a receptionist
to the largest and best-known Net.Hero team in the world, saddened
them." He could feel himself tearing up. "I know how hard it can be...
feeling like you've let them down. Like they're disappointed in you.
Like they don't understand. But -- it's okay. It's okay to be
yourself."
The creature's eyes seemed to cloud for a moment, and it sniffled.
Then, shaking its head violently, its eyes cleared again and it charged
at Fred, growling, and tearing his suit with its claws.
.oO( Then again, maybe it's just a big monster. ) Fred flew up to the
ceiling, where the creature couldn't reach him [They have high ceilings
in the lobby -- Ed.] and caught his breath. Then, shrugging, he just
flew back down and beat the monster up. Even a fifteen-foot iguana in a
fur coat was no match for the skills of Ultimate Ninja coupled with the
strength of Writer's Block Woman.
The monster staggered back and collapsed onto Fred's desk, crushing it.
Concerned, the receptionist rushed over to check on the beast, leaning
on the wreckage of the desk for balance. As his hand neared the toppled
tower of his PC, another flash of energy appeared, this time enveloping
Fred, the computer, and the unconscious body of the monster. When
Fred's vision cleared, the creature was gone, and he could feel his
powers fading.
.oO( It must have been a manifestation of the bad parts of my psyche, )
he mused with the last scraps of super-intelligence. .oO( Like in that
Superman movie. I got the heroic parts, and the monster got the bad
parts... ) He paused. .oO( Then again, maybe it was just a big monster.
) Exhausted from his battle, he sat down in his chair, not mindful of
the splintered desk surrounding him, and closed his eyes.
Fred came to with a start. He must have drifted off for a moment...
"Hey, Fred. You look tired."
Fred looked up. "Oh, hi, Narcolepsy Lad," Fred said. "I had the
strangest dream..." But before he could go into detail about the
monsters, superpowers, and frantic phonecalls, Narcolepsy Lad collapsed
in a heap on the floor, snoring loudly.
.oO( Oh well. ) Fred thought. .oO( He wouldn't have been interested
anyway. )
***rrrringggg***
"Legion of Net.Heroes," Fred the Receptionist said, picking up the
phone. "How may we be of assistance?"
"Oh thank goodness!" said the voice on the other line. "I need two
large pepperoni pizzas, a bottle of Mr. Paprika, an order of chicken
wings..."
"We. Don't. Deliver. Pizzas." Fred slammed the phone down onto its
receiver, and stared in shock as his desk collapsed into little bits
that had apparently been held together with crazy glue.
You don't think....
Naaaaah!
|_.|\|.|-|.
_____
Author's Note: Wow, this series has really taken on a life of its own,
hasn't it? I'm glad to see everyone (well, Saxon and Martin) enjoyed
the title enough to write it!
Uh, don't really have much else to say.
_____
LNH: The Misplaced Adventures
"Hey Time-Waster Lad -- what are you up to?"
"Nothing much, Token Girl. Just going through my old scrapbook here.
Looking at all the old adventures we've been on."
"Neat!"
"Yeah. You'd be surprised how many adventures we get up to that don't
even get talked about."
"Like what?"
"Well -- like this one: HTMLad, Parking Karma Kid, Kid Kirby and I did
battle with the Insidious Vulture."
"Sounds scary."
"I'll say -- he was a scavenger who was also a master of disguise. We
almost lost HTMLad when the Vulture disguised himself as a native of
the Island of Javascript.
"And then there was the time Cannon Fodder and I were forced to fight
to the death in the interstellar arena of Ynos, the Terror from Beyond
the Stars."
"Who won?"
"I did, of course. Three times."
"What about this one?"
"Oh yes, one of my personal favourite adventures. Sing-Along Lass, New
Look Lass, and Fourth Wall Lass had to rescue me from the island where
I was being held captive by Stenash the Bikini Demoness. They had to go
undercover."
"That explains the outfits. Well, this was really neat, Time-Waster
Lad, but I have to go pick up my laundry. Maybe you can show me more
some time."
"Sure. I've got a couple dozen more scrapbooks under my bed."
_____
Contents (c) Copyright 2005, Jamie Rosen
Characters (tm) trademark and/or (c) copyright their respective owners,
all useable without permission unless otherwise indicated.
--------------------------------------------------
The Legion of Net.Heroes...
because the world doesn't need another superteam!
--------------------------------------------------
From: phippsmartin at hotmail.com
Subject: [LNH] Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II #7: Bandwagon Chick Begins
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Date: 16 Jun 2005 16:39:24 -0000
___ ___________________________
| |-| \
| |-| [] /
| | | [] egion of \
| | | []__ [] [] [] [] / #7 "Bandwagon
| | | [___][ \[]et.[]__[]eroes \ Chick Begins"
| | | []\ ] [ __ ] /
| |-| [] [] [] [] \
| |-|___________________________≠/
| |
| | (The cover shows a nervous Bandwagon Chick
| | with California Kid, Irony Man, Lurking Girl,
| | Kid Yesterdaze, Loquacious Lad and Marvel
| | Zombie Lad standing around her in the background.
| | Irony Man is wearing his old, grey armour.)
1984. TokIO, J at pan. The TokIO Hilton.
There was a knock on the door to Bonnie Chique's
hotel room. "Coming!" she said.
When she openned the door she was greeted by a
handsome French man. "Well... hello!"
"Bonjour Mademoiselle Chique! I am Henri Dupont."
"What is it that you want?" Bonnie asked as she
narrowed her eyes and looked him over. "I hope it's
what I think it is," she said, raising an eyebrow.
"I observed you today at the comics shop in the
mall."
"You're not with the police are you?" she asked
quickly.
"Non."
"Good," she said, relieved. "Because I just had to
get to the front of the line so I could get the Sailor
Moon Special Edition."
"I was very impressed by your fighting skills,"
Dupont said. "The way you fought off the other
shoppers, I mean."
"Thank you."
"I was especially impressed by the way you used that
four-year-old girl as a human shield."
"Ah, yes, well." Bonnie blushed. "Some of those
girls knew karate. I had to even the odds a little."
"That showed a certain... ruthlessness."
"Thanks... I think."
"I want you to come with me to Mon.gosub.lia and
join our organisation."
"Organisation? What kind of organisation?"
"Why the Mon.gosub.lian World Cup Soccer Team, of
course!"
"You want me to play soccer?" Bonnie asked.
Dupont laughed. "Oh! Non non non! I want you to
become the team's head cheerleader!"
"Cheerleader? Soccer teams have cheerleaders?"
"Our team does. The team's cheerleadering squad is
the brain child of the team's coach, Rahrah Goteamgo!"
"I see."
"Will you come with us?"
"I'll think about it."
"Don't think for long!"
"Never do!"
Months later, in Mon.gosub.lia
"Henri!"
"Yes, my dear!"
"I want to thank you so much for training me! I
have learned so many moves from you! I feel so fit
and healthy now. I mean... just look at me."
Dupont looked at Bonnie in her white varsity sweater
and red pleated skirt and nodded. "Indeed! You look
very nice!"
Bonnie smiled. "You think so? Because, you know, I
was beginning to think you were gay..."
"Um... there is one more thing I want you to do in
order to qualify as head cheerleader!"
"What?"
"Kill this goat!"
"Baaa!" said the goat.
"Excuse me?"
"Part of the routine involves killing a goat,
ostensively as a sacrafice, although we will eat it
later."
"Ew! Gross! You guys eat goats!"
"What did you think the goats were for?"
"I thought they were like pets or something! You
eat them? Ew!"
"You will have to perform the ritual if you want to
become head cheerleader."
Bonnie shook her head. "Then I guess I won't become
head cheerleader. Sorry. I'll be returning to my
home in Net.ropolis."
Bonnie returned to Net.ropolis only to find that it
had been overrun by the evil and the corrupt. Bonnie
vowed that she would use her new abilities to fight
crime an injustice.
First, she needed a car.
"Daddy? Daddy!"
"Yes, Bonnie?"
"Buy me a car!"
"Um... go speak to my secretary, Lucy Fox."
Her father's secretary took her down to a used car
lot.
"If I'm going to be a superheroine, I need a cool
sportscar."
"Um, a sportscar isn't in the budget," Lucy said.
"Sorry."
"What can I buy?"
"Hmm," Lucy said, "how about this nice family
utility wagon?"
Bonnie Chique frowned and pouted. "What kind of
superhero drives around in a van?"
"The kind that has a lot of teammates?"
Bonnie considered the possibilities. "Does it come
in pink?"
Later, Bonnie went out on a date.
"So, after my parents were killed I travelled the
world to study the crinimal mind and discover what it
feared the most. I had them fill in my survey and 49%
said spiders, 33% said bats and 17% said snakes. I'm
thinking about becoming Spiderman. What do you
think?"
Bonnie shook her head. "Bruce, you are such a
loser!"
Bruce nodded. "So, how about next Friday? Same
time? Same restaurant?"
"Okay."
One day she went to see Eaglone, the local crime
boss.
"Look around you," he said. "What do you see?"
"Nice drapes."
"Right. Now you think, just because you went
shopping in TokIO, you know about the ugly side of
life, but you don't. You've never tasted desperate.
You're Bonnie Chinque, a princess of Net.ropolis, so
don't come down here with your attitude, trying to
prove something. This is a world you'll never
understand."
Bonnie nodded. "Okay. So do I get the job?"
So much for trying to infiltrate the mob.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the Mid-West, Irony Man, Lurking Girl,
Loquacious Lad, Kid Yesterdaze and Marvel Zombie Lad met at the home of
Rick Smith of the Toon Brigade. He had sent each of them an e-mail
about a big green rampaging monster that had been after him. They all
stood there in a circle around
Rick, who sat there with a guilty look on his face.
"There was no big, green rampaging monster, was there?" Irony Man
asked, pointedly.
Rick Smith just laughed nervously. "April fools!" he said.
"But it's April 2nd," Lurking Girl pointed out.
"I can't help it if you guys all checked your e-mail a day late!"
Rick insisted.
The five heroes all felt very foolish and were about to disperse and
go our separate ways when Marvel Zombie Lad spoke up.
"Wait!" he said. "This wasn't a real emergency but what if it had
been? Doesn't the world need a group of net.heroes to stand ready just
in case?"
"The undead crusader is quite correct," Loquacious Lad said. "It is
our duty as net.heroes to form an association which would be for the
benefit of
all mankind!"
"It would be a real honour for me to be accepted into such a group,"
Kid Yesterdaze said. "What about you?" he asked Lurking Girl.
"You can count on me to make the occasional appearance," she said.
"It's settled then!" Marvel Zombie Lad said, having momentarily
forgotten about Irony Man. "What about you, Mr...?"
"Call me... Irony Man. I'm afraid I can't join you just yet.
Although you can't tell because my face is obscurred, the fact is that
I am only a teenager and I promised my dad that I would pursue a degree
in
industrial engineering as soon as I finished high school. So, you see,
I wouldn't have time for any more heroics just yet."
"You could still hang out with us over the summer," Kid Yesterdaze
suggested.
"Yeah, come on," Marvel Zombie Lad said. "I'm sure the five of us
could scrape up enough funds to get a club house built!"
"Alright," Irony Man decided.
Bonnie was starting to give up on the idea of becoming a superheroine
when she saw the ad in the newspaper for the LNH. It said "Are you an
aspiring
net.hero? The Legion of Net.Heroes wants you! Meetings daily from
10:00 to 4:00. Lunch provided for genuine applicants." She wrote down
the address given in the ad and went there the next day.
The LNH clubhouse had been built based on Marvel Zombie Lad's design:
the building was shaped like an upside down computer terminal. When
she arrived, California Kid was already there making his pitch. Irony
Man, Lurking Girl, Kid Yesterdaze, Loquacious Lad and Marvel Zombie Lad
were all sitting on one side of a long table in front of the clubhouse
while California Kid stood in front of them.
"Hey, look, I've come all this way here to join the LNH. Here me
out!"
"What are your powers?" Kid Yesterdaze asked.
"I am the essense of everything Californian!"
"Which means --?"
California Kid was slightly taken aback. "Just that. Sun. Surfing.
Bikinis. I represent all of that."
"What we want to know is what your precise abilities are, if any, and
what their exact nature might be," Loquacious Lad explained.
"Huh?"
"What can you do?" Lurking Girl asked.
California Kid thought for a moment. "Well, let's see... I get to
read my comics days after everybody else has already discussed them on
the internet."
"That isn't exactly a power," Irony Man pointed out. "It's more like
a deficiency."
"Can you pay the $5 membership fee?" Marvel Zombie Lad asked.
"Sure!"
"Then you're in!"
"Cool!"
Irony Man pulled Marvel Zombie Lad to one side. "What are you
doing?" he asked.
"We need to start admitting new members. This is supposed to be the
LEGION of Net.heroes, remember?"
"Shouldn't we have some sort of standards?"
"We've already rejected Flying Eraserhead, Guest Who Lad, Impatient
Lad, Slobberine, Tater Tot, Top Soil Boy and The Invisible Blithering
Babe," Marvel Zombie Lad argued. "At least this guy represents a
degree of diversity!"
Irony Man sighed. "Alright. Fine. But in the future I want us to
take a vote before we admit new members."
"Fair enough!"
Bonnie walked up to the table and let out a deep breath. This was
it.
"Are you here to apply to join the Legion?" Kid Yesterdaze asked.
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Please state your code name."
Bonnie thought for a moment. "Bandwagon Chick." She smiled. It
fit.
"Alright," Kid Yesterdaze said, "so what are your powers."
She sighed. "I was trained as a cheerleader for the Mon.gosub.lian
World Cup soccer team by the graet Henri Dupont!"
"Okay. So what can you do?"
Bonnie swallowed. "Cheer?"
"But you must realize that the ability to celebrate is not something
that makes you unique," Loquacious Lad pointed out.
"There has to be something special you can do," Lurking Girl said.
Bonnie hesitated. "Well... I've got a really special car!"
Irony Man sighed deeply.
"Let's see it," Marvel Zombie Lad said.
The seven of them gathered in front of Bandwagon Chick's bandwagon.
"Wow! Cool!" California Kid said.
"It's pink," Irony man said flatly.
"I love it!" Lurking Girl said.
"It gets excellent gas mileage... and I can drive it really fast!"
Bonnie said quickly.
"I believe that would qualify as a superhuman ability!" Loquacious
Lad argued.
"Depends how fast she means," Kid Yesterdaze said, "but yeah."
Marvel Zombie Lad was beaming. "Welcome to the LNH!" he said.
"Hope you survive the experience!" Kid Yesterdaze added.
Meanwhile, somebody else had noticed the ad the LNH had printed in
the newspaper: somebody sinister.
"Legion of Net.Heroes indeed!" he scoffed. "This city doesn't need
any net.heroes, let alone a legion of them! I will see to it that this
group of friends never grows to become the legion they see themselves
becoming! SO SWEARS DOCTOR KILLFILE!"
THE BEGINNING
Bandwagon Chick created by Sue Clark
Lurking Girl created by Tori Fike
Marvel Zombie Lad created by Benjamin R Pierce
Irony Man created by Doug Moran
Kid Yesterdaze created by Karthik P. Sheka
Dr. Killfile created by Steve Librande
Martin
==========
Next Week: Let's say LNH vII #8...
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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