LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #68: Birth Of A Villain Part Eight
pwerdna at gmail.com
Sun Jul 22 02:20:34 PDT 2018
On 7/8/2018 4:13 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> What Has Gone Before: (borrowed and adapted from Rob's
> excellent summary)
Steal from the best!
> In more worrying news, the plot summaries are starting to
> rival the storylines for length.
> Gorilla Grad fled away from his former place of captivity,
> evading the lookouts as he went. There seemed to be an awful
> lot of them - many of them wearing combat gear. He wondered
> why they were not helping fend off ex-President William Taft.
Hm! I wonder~
> Gorilla Grad gasped. "Tsar Chasm!"
> The villain's villain smiled briefly at him. "The one and
Inside TC's mind: "FINALLY some appropriate awe!"
> "BLASPHEMY!" yelled a voice and a man in combat gear dropped
> down from out of a nearby tree and began to fire at Tsar
> Chasm, who with one casual wave of his arm put up a shield,
> and with the other, grabbed Gorilla Grad and dragged him away
> to talk.
> "So, what business did the Church have with you?" he inquired.
> "They wanted to sacrifice me to call forth the Cabbage-
> Wielding Angel of Death." Gorilla Grad replied. "Who was that
> "Just a Summers fan, odd to find one of them in this group."
> Tsar Chasm observed.
Rachel should be the Phoenix again! Also bring back Ruby.
> "They read it out in front of me," said Gorilla Grad. "I
> remember exactly what it said: 'Had a great time. Maybe
> we could share another meal again soon. TC'."
> Tsar Chasm thought about this. "Oops."
Heeheeheehee. I'm glad this has come back around. :3
> "You got it," Tsar Chasm put his head in his hands. "Great,
> now they think I want to eat lunch with them and goodness
> only knows what Mouse thought of me!"
> "Mouse? The one that got blasted back into 1984?" asked
> Gorilla Grad.
> "Yes, I'm still not sure about how they... what do you mean
> got blasted back into 1984?" demanded TC.
He's a really fun reaction board. X3
> Enlightenment dawned on TC's face. "Of course, they stole
> some of Stomper's technology! That must be the key to
> Vector's abilities. Quick! Back to the LNH HQ. The files
> I need will be there."
LNH v2 #50 makes a slight retcon to this, making Irony Man's technology part of
it as well.
> "And Mouse and the others?"
> Tsar Chasm paused. "Mouse is... resourceful. I'm sure she'll
> make it back here at the required time."
Aw, he believes in her. <3
> "No," said Mouse. "No, no, absolutely NOT! We are NOT
> getting sidetracked from our mission YET AGAIN to deal with
> a couple of losers that even Lite could deal with. NO WAY,
> NO HOW! We are going to get back to the 1990s... and then,
> do all that other stuff."
> "You mean find the Lotion of Emotion?" asked Twaeila.
> "No no, she means work out how Alice Springs, whoever or
> wherever that may be works into it." said DeadHeadMan,
> once again possessing the body of Coward Lad.
> "No, more likely she means getting to Sig.ago to thwart
> whatever it is that Vector plans to do there." said
> Lenny the Squirrel.
Heeheehee X3 Boy this cascade has a lot of stuff going on.
> Mouse groaned. She was doomed! Trapped in the past,
> confronted by two badly accented supervillains, and surrounded
> by people who were willing to cut any corners, face any evil,
> miss _any_ episode of MST3K to get to a one-liner.
Heeheehee X3 <3 <3 <3
> "Usually in situations like this we just have to find
> someone in this time with enough knowledge to get us back
> to where we came from." said Lite.
> "Good! Now," said Mouse. "Who would be around in 1984 to
> give us a hand? Someone who knows a lot about time travel.
> Someone reasonably competent."
> "Doctor Stomper?" said Lenny. "I hear he's pretty hot stuff."
Hey, forward plot progress! <3
> "Thank you Lenny! I hereby revise my opinion of irritatingly
> cute furry animal sidekicks."
> "Thanks... hey!"
> "And a new development has taken place in front of the Net.
> York MTV headquarters, where the two Russian supervillains,
> Boris and Natasha have taken a hostage."
> "Why," said Lite. "Do I have a suddenly sinking feeling?"
> "And the hostage has been identified as a visiting science
> teacher - Mr Stomper of Net.ropolis." A man was seen waving
> from his position inside a headlock laid on by Boris.
>:D And more plot motion!
> "AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!" screamed Mouse. "So now we have
> to go to NET.YORK!!! And dressed like THIS! Oh the shame!"
> she fumed. "Someone PLEASE tell me that their new outfits
> came complete with cash, cheques or credit cards."
> Everyone felt through their pockets. Finally Coward Lad
> pulled out a pile of plastic cards.
And good usage of circumstances to pull out a plot device, yet!
> "Yes!" said Lite. He pointed. "To the airport!"
> The group all ran off, save for Mouse, who waited patiently.
> Within ten minutes they were all back, looking somewhat
> sheepish. Mouse waited till they had all lined up, then
> turned and faced the other direction. She pointed, "To the
> Everyone took off at a fast run.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
> When last we left our villains (some of them anyway):
> "It worked!" yelled Father Brown in triumph. "Our
> substitution of a few dozen dancing gorillas for Gorilla
> Grad worked! The sacrifice has been accepted and the
> Cabbage-Wielding Angel of Death is about to come forth!"
> "YES! Can't you hear his theme tune?"
> Father Brown strained his ears and his eyes widened in
> horror as he picked up a 'wocachika'.
> "Who are they?"
> "Nodakommandos! Secure the building!" yelled a woman in red.
Finally, the Nodakommandos! :D
> "He's... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Father Brown lunged forward.
> "You're altering the doorway into the dimensions - you're
> breaking the fourth wall!"
> "Of course!" said the woman in red, jumping forward and
> stopping him in his tracks. "We will achieve our goal -
> to breach the fourth wall and drag David R. Henry into the
> LNH universe - where he will at last WRITE FOR US! MUHAHA
GASP! YOU FIENDS!
> "Somebody shoot that man and give me some good news for
> crying out loud!" cried a man in a monks robe.
> "The Vectorbot is about to engage Writers Block Woman and
> her remaining companions! They cannot possibly survive
> its mighty attacks! Success is assured!"
> "YOU FOOL! What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???!!!"
> "No, a kind of whistling sensation." said WBW with an
> abstracted expression.
> "Oh that," said Insomnia Lad. "That's just the wind friction
> around us as we plunge helplessly to a distant and unforgiving
> ground. Which, I note, is getting closer with every moment."
> "_That_ was it!" said WBW. "Thanks, it was beginning to bother
XD XD XD
> "Do you think you could get under the remains of this wing
> and propell it like a hangglider?" he asked.
> "Ooooooooh! A plan! It's been a long time since I saw one
> of those," said Writers Block Woman. "Gotta be worth a
> try!" So saying, she put words to action.
There's so much "characters actually moving things forward under their own
agency" in this one, I love it!
> Chinese Guy gritted his teeth as the wing tilted and clung
> on for dear life. The WBW-propelled makeshift hang-glider,
> hereby christened the hang.thingee
Thank you :3
> "Well, that seems to have solved this problem," said WBW.
> "Now there's just that Vectorbot to worry about."
> "Yeah, where is it anyway?" asked Insomnia Lad. He looked
> around. Then he looked over his shoulder.
> "Oh," he said calmly. "There it is, directly in front of
> us. RIGHT!!! RIGHT! GO RIGHT!!!!!"
> "Oh no it isn't," grunted Chinese Guy. He held up a short
> staff. Bracing one end against Vectorbot's hand he yelled.
> "Take a look at this!"
> Vectorbot leaned forward and peered at the staff, just as
> he triggered the extension. Vectorbot dropped them, but it
> was too late. The staff, made of some incredibly hard
> substance, slammed through its head and then shattered
> into a thousand tiny pieces.
> Ever heard of petrified wood shrapnel? No? Well it's not
> _quite_ as bad as metal shrapnel.
> Not by much.
>:D That's both badass and taking advantage of knowing what the Sea-Fixing Pin
> "Yeeeehaaaa!" yelled Chinese Guy. "Jack himself couldn't
> do any better!"
> "For goodness sake don't start that all up again!" said
> Writers Block Woman.
> "I meant Jack the Giant Killer."
X3 <3 <3 <3
> Writers Block Woman turned to look at them, the grim light
> of vengeance in her eyes. "We're going to finish what we
> started. Though Mouse and the others may have perished in
> the cause of justice, we can still fulfil their mission!
> We're going to go find this Khe Saraq person, shake them
> down, get to Alice Springs and get the Potion of Emotion.
> This I swear, on my eternal heroic soul, Mouse and the
> others... WILL BE AVENGED!!!!"
WBW = great mom
> Mouse, Lite, Twaeila, Coward Lad and Lenny ran through the
> streets of Net. York. They had made it there with only a few
> bad moments ("What do you mean no animals on the plane?"
> "But sir, it's not a REAL squirrel, it's my sisters soft
> toy! ISN'T it Mouse..." "... Why, yes, sis. (whispered)
> i'll get you for this", "you mean you'll try". :-)
> "Let me talk to them," said Mouse. "Who knows, maybe we
> can resolve this peacefully? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!"
XD XD XD
> Boris started at yell and stared at the approaching pair.
> He turned to his partner. "Natasha! Look! Is the enemy
> headquarters warned us about - Mouse and Squirrel!"
> Natasha arghed. "That was Moose and Squirrel, you
PERFECT use of your characters
> When last we left the final group of heros:
So many characters
> "LNH HQ," said Authorial. "At last, safety!"
> "At last," agreed Lad. "We can catch our breath."
> "No time for that!"
> "I've discovered what Vector's ultimate
> plot is! And I need _your_ help to thwart it."
> "We're ready to help defeat those hot chicks!" said Lad,
> puffing himself up.
> "But mercifully defeat," said Authorial.
> "Not you two," said Tsar Chasm, turning to look directly
> at Invisible-Inaudible-Intangible Lass. "You!"
So why does Tsar Chasm - never mind, we gotta get the plot moving
> "They wanted her to slow down the LNH to prevent them
> breaking the fourth wall," explained Gorilla Grad. "And so
> she put them to sleep using her Legionairres disease, but
> by putting most of them out of action, they have weakened
> the First, Second and Third walls! If we don't get them
> strengthened unimaginable horror could happen!"
> "Like what?" asked Lad.
> "We could all be sucked into... real life." said Gorilla
> The group blanched. "You mean... be... _normal_?" said
> "The horror," said Narcoleptic Lad.
This particular thing was never followed up on and was in fact quietly ignored,
but that's okay, we have plenty of plot hooks to work with.
> "More Stuff Happens"
> Written by Saxon Brenton
A good title for any of Saxon's many helpful get-the-storyline-going issues.
Thankfully, this one's following on from an issue with the exact same purpose,
so it shouldn't be too hard.
> Fourth Wall Lass left the hospital where Retcon Lad and the young
> man called Zacharias Durandal had been taken to after the fight with the
> mutant angst-eating net.villain called Dinnerplate [in _Limp-Asparagus
> Lad_ #42 - Footnote Girl].
Wave to Limp-Asparagus Lad being caught up with continuity before it disappears
> Her dorm at Dave Thomas Deluxe University was closer than the flat
> where Limp-Asparagus Lad and Retcon Lad lived, so she headed that way.
> Along the way she trudged past the site where the Legion of Net.Heroes
> Headquarters would be, if it hadn't been stolen by the notorious
> international thief Carmen SanFrancisco [in _Writers Block Woman (and
> Mouse)_ #33-35 - Footnote Girl].
> It was therefore to Fourth Wall Lass's considerable surprise that
> the LNHQ was, in fact, back where it should be.
> These sort of things happened in the Legion of Net.Heroes.
> An adrenalin rush perked the young woman up as she had a sudden
> horrible flashback to _Legion of Occult Heroes_ #5, and she jumped forward
> to check for pulses.
> They were alive, which caused her to heave a sigh of
> relief, and only then did she realise that her hands had gone clammy with
> cold sweat.
So wait, was Vector's attack what allowed Carmen Sanfrancisco to steal the LNHQ
without resistance? I'm amazed at these secrets revealed in nigh-twenty-year-old
> The woman sneered at him in disgust. "Get rid of him," she ordered.
> Nodakommandos moved forward, guns at the ready.
> Father Brown was beginning to get angry. "Get rid of them!" he
> shouted in return. Whereupon a group of pot-bellied aliens dressed in
> purple with huge staring eyes and spade beards popped up and began
> shapeshifting into the forms of the nodakommados. As each alien changed
> its shape to match a nodakommando, the nodakommando that had been thus
> duplicated vanished, cast into Comic Book Limbo.
TBH I'm not sure why the Space Dvandoms are here, other than to bring us back to
the subplot about the Acolyte's true identity.
> "Yes, yes," agreed Brown. "I'm not complaining about the resources
> that you've been able to share with us.
But that's reason enough, I s'pose~
> The Acolyte nodded and turned to the console, suppressing a smile.
> The arrival of the nodakommandos had almost been a catastrophic setback,
> but it had been handled - for the moment - and had even turned out to be
> mildly beneficial in its own way. Each time Father Brown was forced to
> use dimension breaching methods that the Acolyte and his group had
> provided, it was a small victory for the Acolyte's plans to subvert the
> "Yes. He's inside the north gate, in section C3. Our forces are
> moving to intercept. Then Acolyte's eyes widened. "Oh my... It's her!
> She's back!"
> "What are you talking about?"
> "It's the GREAT SATAN! She's back! Our sensors weren't able to detect
> her before. We were presuming that she was off-dimension, or something.
> But she's back! Fourth Wall Lass is at the LNHQ."
> On top of everything else that had happened today, this was getting
> a bit too much for Father Brown. His face twisted in a paroxysm of both
> loathing and exultation. His eyes bugged out. A fleck of foam appeared at
> the corner of his mouth. Both hands came up in to his chest in clenched
> fists as overwhelming emotions conflicted within him. With immense self-
> control he managed to avoid dropping to the floor and chewing on the
Heeheeheehee. X3 This is good ham.
> Back at the LNHQ, Fourth Wall Lass was reading up on past events.
> Contrary to her initial assumption it seemed that the LNHQ had not been
> returned within ten hours. Although she had only experienced the first day
> of it, the LNHQ had been in the possession of Carmen SanFrancisco for the
> better part of a week. And that had been a while ago. And now that FWLAss
> had returned she found that not only had she skipped over a large chunk
> of continuity, but that she had also been dumped in the middle of a
> completely different storyline altogether.
Okay, wave to Limp-Asparagus Lad being caught...*ish* up with continuity.
> As ever, time in comic book universes was proving to be completely
> screwy. The worst part was that in the Looniverse they knew about the
> phenomenon and had to take it into account when they were trying to fill
> out their tax forms.
> (Have you any idea how hard it is to explain to the Tax Department
> that you're claiming exemption from tax for a whole year because you were
> in Limbo for the whole time and technically didn't exist to get paid?)
Heeheehee. Also yes @.@
> Worse still, she had been dumped in the middle of a chaotic add-on
> cascade-type story. The last time she'd been in one of those had been
> _Saviours of the Net_ #7, and the experience had... not been pleasant.
> It wasn't something that she ever wanted to have to go through again if
> she could at all help it.
Sorry, FWLass, you're just a really good and fun character.
> All of
> this, however, had been only given a piecemeal overview of what was going
> on - and typically for the LNH, nobody had bothered to give even the
> briefest of updates to the logs.
> So Fourth Wall Lass had simply broke the fourth wall and started
> reading the story from scratch.
More than reasonable. X3
> She got as far as the end of issue number 9 and the first mention of
> involvement of the Church of the Fourth Wall. At their name, she started
> in alarm, and hissed, "Those idiots!?"
> "Watch who you're calling names, honey," said a voice from behind
> her, accompanied by the hum of blasters warming up.
Nice timing. :3
This gave FWLass the
> half instant she needed to leap out of the way as the weapons of some
> more Vector clones did serious property damage to the computer labs.
> .oO( Oh boy, wReamhack and Renegade Programmer are going to be sooo
> ticked off, ) observed a part of Fourth Wall Lass's mind that wasn't
> currently preoccupied with dodging blaster fire.
I mean, this happens every other week. They have backups like whoa
> She tried to open a small hole in the Threshold of the fourth wall,
> and found she couldn't. "Aw, crap! Not AGAIN!"
Curse you, plot device Kryptonite!
> "Just what I need," grumped FWLass, "Being patronised while murdered
> by a pair of leather clad bimbos who're physically incapable of falling
> flat on their faces."
Not a fan of appearance being linked to intelligence, but at least it's just one
> One Vector turned, and found a small figure standing behind them. It
> was small and green, but nevertheless it was not a kiwi bird. At just over
> a meter high it would have come up to about Fourth Wall Lass' stomach;
> the Vectors towered over it. It was humanoid, covered in lime green fur,
> and was wearing one of those 'Cat in the Hat' type floppy red-and-white
> striped top hats. It grinned at them with unblinking eyes and a completely
> insane smile on it face.
> "Yes. What of it?" retorted the Vector, and blasted the figure.
> The figure blinked. It was now a black-and-crinkly silhouette of
> itself, but still standing upright. The figure calmly wet its fingers,
> took off its hat, and snuffed out the small fire which was burning on the
> crown of its head.
> Then it reached into its hat, pulled out one of those rubber banding
> devices used to castrate cattle, and with one fluid movement docked the
> Vector's head off.
So... this is... weird. X3 And... unnecessarily violent? Like...
> Green Eggs Hates Spham
> Member of good standing of the Order of St. Doomas
> Sphammers exterminated while you wait
> Fourth Wall Lass looked at the card, then at the figure. .oO( It
> figures, ) she had to admit to herself. ( If there's villainy about that
> involves clogging up the internet, how could the Order *not* turn up in
> response? )
...this is a reasonable reason to have the OSD show up, especially given Saxon's
love of bringing in forgotten elements of the larger universe, but having
somebody decapitated on-screen is tonally jarring. Especially when it's this
little cartoonish weirdo; "cartoon violence meets realistic violence" is
something that can work well, but only when carefully set up, and the closest
thing we've seen is a bunch of dancing gorillas being sacrificed off-screen to
summon the Cabbage-Wielding Angel of Death.
> She turned her attention back to the religious psychotic... or was it
> psychopathic? Darn, she could never remember which word described the
> people who enjoyed hurting others and which word was for the people who
> just didn't care.
Psychosis is more dangerous to the person experiencing it, and "psychopath" is
not an actual diagnosis (no matter what state police talking up serial killers
in an attempt to get enough budget to buy yet more military surplus say), so
let's skip the whole thing.
> Remember how the Church of the Fourth Wall hadn't quite got the hang
> of the technology that they had stolen from the LNHQ? Guess what, it
> doesn't just apply to the tech from the LNHQ. Would it really surprise you
> if some of their other work also turned out to have some flaws in it?
Ah! And here we see the variant Vectors becoming a main part of the plot, and
honestly, turning this into Birth of a Recurring Villain Archetype instead of
just Birth and Death of a One-Shot Villain. This is a good off-the-cuff
explanation for it, though if I may be egotistical--
Distraction Damsel: TOO LATE!
--I like the one I put in System Corrupters #33. :>
> She already had her helmet off to get more air, and her eyes were all
> funny. "Yes... I understand now... The power... The power is MINE! She
> a maniacal grin at the other two, and wiped their minds. They collapsed
> to the ground, braindead.
> "I am no longer Melissa, self-replicating virus and space waster. I
> am Explorer Z, non-self-replicating worm and DATA ERASER!"
Dun dun dunnnn...
> "So then," asked Chinese Guy, "Now all we have to do is find Khe
> "I can be of help there," said Fourth Wall Lass, opening a portal in
> the Threshold and stepping through from the other side. She had a small
> pile of computer printouts with her. "Hello everybody."
> "Well, that's impressive timing," observed Insomnia Lad.
FWL always knows when the plot needs a push forward. :>
> "DIE squishies!" boomed the Vectorbot, which in the meantime had
> gotten up and was advancing on the four of them.
> "Shut the F*CK UP!!!" screamed Fourth Wall Lass, and opened another
> hole in the Threshold, this one flat on the ground beneath the Vectorbot's
> feet. The Vectorbot fell in, and then was promptly sheared in half as
> FWLass closed the portal.
a.) This is super badass. Fourth Wall Lass's potential power is *huge*, and she
mostly doesn't use it that way because of the damage it could cause - not
directly to people around her or the environment, but to the *narrative*. We've
seen this before with Constellation, shortly before he merged fully with Dot and
Ascended. FWL isn't going to do that, but this *is* going to become a plot
element in Beige Midnight...
b.) I love her, and this is another part of why:
> "AAAARGH!" screamed the giant mecha.
> "HA! Not so tough when you can't block a girl from using her powers,
> are ya!? Huh!? LOSER!" FWLass continued to yell.
> Writers Block Woman watched with concern as Fourth Wall Lass
> hyperventilated over the by now rather badly damaged remains of the
> Vectorbot. "Dear, I think you may be a little stressed. Just take deep
> breaths... Oh, you already are.
I also love WBW. X3 <3
> Fourth Wall Lass forced herself to calm down, and said, "Sorry, it's
> been a long day.
Saxon you should let yourself go like this more, it's rad :D
> Okay then, I have news. First up, the most important
> thing that you'll want to know is that Mouse, Twaelia, Lenny and the
> others aren't dead. The Vectors are using technology that they stole from
> Dr. Stomper and that they foolishly haven't bothered to totally master
> yet. The others were just sent back in time to 1984. As soon as they
> rescue the Dr. Stomper of that time period, they're going to try and get
> his help in returning home."
> "Oh, that's *wonderful* news," gushed WBW.
On the one hand, I wanted more angry vengeful mama bear WBW. On the other hand,
I don't want her to be sad. ;-; So I'm okay with this aspect being resolved.
> "It might be a plot device or some sort, or there might be a
> plausible reason for it," Insomnia Lad speculated. "But cutting the
> Looniverse off from the Writers - that'd be like 'Looniverse Adrift' all
> over again," he said, aghast.
Or worse, Legion of Occult Heroes, as referenced above.
> Chinese Guy looked confused. "If Tsar Chasm has such a firm handle
> on what's going on, why do we need to go after the Lotion anyway? It was
> a pretty desperate attempt to find a clue, as I recall."
> "Because this is a chaotic add-on cascade story, and we have no idea
> what will become significant, and what won't," pointed Insomnia Lad.
It's a good point. X3;
> "That's right," agreed FWLass "Most of what I've just told you has
> been stated as fact somewhere in the story. But any or all of it could be
> amended or retconned away as the Writers add to the story. We have to be
> careful; those Writers can be devious and downright demented.
> They've also been talking about closing off the fourth wall to
> everybody except the 'One True Author', which pretty much goes against
> everything I know about the Church of the Fourth Wall."
> "You know a lot about them, then?" asked Writers Block Woman.
> "I try to. Ultimately my origin and theirs stem from the same place.
Oh, everything following this is new information, both about FWL and the Church.
We've seen vague references to her origin before, but this ties things together
in a way that's both plot-relevant and makes the world feel bigger and deeper. I
> You see, thousands of years ago alien comic book writers came to the
> Looniearth and taught some of the ancient human cultures how to sneak
> across the fourth wall.
Something something remind me to add this to the wiki when it's back
> And there
> are certain clues that point to who those allies are."
> "Well, don't just keep us in suspense," demanded Chinese Guy.
It's interesting, actually, how consistently different writers managed to hint
at this over the length of the Church/Acolyte plot. All leading up to...
> "Hold up," said Insomnia Lad, who had been assembling all those
> clues into one piece. "Wouldn't that mean..."
> "Yeah. I think that the Church of the Fourth Wall is working with
> the Acolyte of Dvandom... wReamicus Maximus."
DUN DUN DUN! :D
Drew "now that's plot motion" Perron
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