LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #67: Birth Of A Villain Part Seven

[Drew Perron]

On 7/1/2018 4:30 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> And Rob Rogers follows up with #22.  Will Lite say the dialogue
> "Coward Lad, hand me your Discman," somewhere in this issue?
> (Spoilers:  Yes!!)

*GASP*

> She tried to
> think of a zingy little stinger line she could use to sum up the
> situation and get the plot moving.
> 
> "This sucks." she ended.

Heeheehee <3

> "It's never failed us yet," Mouse lied.

X3

> (What, you don't think otters are savage? Look, they may be small
> and cute but those teeth are _sharp_.)

Otters have a favorite *rock*, I'm not messing with them.

> "Hey!" she yelled, kicking Marvel Zombie Lad in the shins. "Does
> anyone know what any of these guys' powers are?"
> 
> "Uhh..."
> 
> "Ummm..."
> 
> "Errr..."
> 
> "I think it's on the website."
> 
> "Something about building things?"
> 
> "Yes! That's what I thought," said Mouse. "Vector can't duplicate em!
> Cos she doesn't know what they are either! Somebody use their powers
> to knock out these cos-players[1] and let's get Vector!"

Heeheeheehee. X3 I like this aspect - they're Classic Characters from the Old 
Days... which means they're also kinda less-known.

> "Okay," trilled Writers Block Woman.
> 
> "NO! NOT YOU!!!"
> 
> Writers Block Woman exerted her powers. Everyone stopped in
> confusion as the power of Writers Block muddled their minds.

Heeheehee X3 I love it

> "GO AWAY!" she yelled.
> 
> "NO!" shouted Mouse, grabbing her by the cape. Halted, the heroine
> looked around her as the area rapidly emptied.

Congratulations, you've made things *more* confusing. <3

> Gorilla Grad was somewhat depressed by this change in
> situation. Instead of being a captive in the headquarters
> of the Church of the Fourth Wall, a position in which he
> could watch, observe, and provide a useful forum through
> which various writers could detail what the bad guys were
> up to, he was now going to be a sacrifice in an undoubtedly
> foul and revolting rite of summoning. He noted nervously
> the large amount of parsley being brought into the chamber.

Heeheeheehee.


> "Oh nothing much," Lad quipped. "Taken over by the sexy
> babe in the black leather you were about to slice me into
> pieces with that sharp sword in your hands until for some
> reason you stopped and NOW YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!!! AAAAH!"

God, I love mid-sentence change of tone. X3


> Behind her, Narcoleptic Lad roused and watched in confusion
> as one of the Vector's tightened its grip on thin air. A
> large yawn split his face.
> 
> "Don't you what you're doing, gonna stop you," he said,
> throwing a nearby plate at the woman.

Reasonable!

> "Don't know," said Lad. "But let's take advantage of it,
> by all means." He grabbed one of Narcoleptic Lad's arms
> and headed for the door. Authorial grabbed the other and
> moved with him. IIILass floated after them, always keeping
> herself between them and the Vectors.

And moving the plot forward! :D

> *Oh no, I'm allergic to ginger!* thought Gorilla Grad as
> the preparations for the sacrifice continued.

Because that's the problem. X3

> "Right, is EVERYONE back now?" demanded Mouse.
> 
> "Yo," said Chinese Guy.
> 
> "Yup," said the squirrel.
> 
> "Here!" said Lite.
> 
> "Present," said Twaeila.
> 
> "Uh huh," said WBW.
> 
> "Yes," said Insomnia Lad.
> 
> "Hello," said Coward Lad. Mouse looked at him and sighed. "Oh well."

Ah, good, you unconfused it. :>

> "Maybe," said Mouse grudgingly. "But it was still a pain getting
> you all back. Especially Mr I'm a squirrel, and I can climb all the
> way up tall tall trees to annoy you over there."
> 
> Lenny tried to look innocent.

X3

> "And to top it all off," said Mouse. "I have this mysterious
> note here that says "Nodakommandos", which I do not understand
> at all!"
> 
> *Ring ring*.
> 
> Mouse fished out her cellphone whilst the others watched.
> 
> "What?" she demanded.
> 
> "Your author is calling from the other side of the fourth wall,
> will you accept the charges?" asked the operator.
> 
> "Huh?"

*snerk* An excellent way to fix it.

> Gorilla Grad looked at the shishkebabs. "Now THIS is going
> too far!" he said. "And I don't even want to KNOW what that
> wok is for!"

X3 X3 X3

> "RED ALERT RED ALERT!!!* shrilled a computerised voice.
> "BLATANT FLAUNTING OF THE FOURTH WALL IS NOW IN PROGRESS!
> THIS IS A LEVEL FOUR CONTAMINATION! REPEAT, A LEVEL FOUR
> CONTAMINATION!!!"

And it's a plot point! :D

> "Yeah well, interesting times and all. Look, I've been in
> contact with Ken Schmidt about this Nodakommandos thing."
> 
> ***
> 
> "RED ALERT! THE SITUATION HAS NOW BEEN UPGRADED TO LEVEL
> THREE CONTAMINATION!"

Heeheehee. Love it. X3


> "They're listed in the yellow pages."
> 
> "Really?"
> 
> "They are now!"
> 
> ***
> 
> "SITUATION HAS NOW BEEN UPGRADED TO A LEVEL TWO
> CONTAMINATION!"

I love that Jaelle getting frustrated with the direction of the story and 
meddling more and more is a crisis-level event. X3

> "Wait! There's an important plot point you need to know!"
> 
> "Later." Mouse hung up.
> 
> ***
> 
> "You got the wrong note..." Jaelle trailed off. "Damn."

Heeheehee

> "SITUATION DOWNGRADED TO LEVEL NINE ALERT... YELLOW ALERT
> YELLOW ALERT..."
> 
> "The situation is over," said the Acolyte. "That was close."

I love it. >#>

> [1] In anime circles the term cos-play (short for costume play)
> is used for people dressing up as anime characters. Or any
> characters really.

Remember when that was new? Remember when fandom was just... *so* different?

>          "Luck had nothing to do with it," said the holographic projection,
> reordering itself into a new, more familliar shape.
> 
>          "Doctor Stomper!" Gorilla Grad gasped.  "But...how?"
> 
>          "You confuse me with my creator," said the image of the Legion of
> Net.Heroes' expert on exposition.  "I am merely an interactive, artificially
> intelligent program inserted into Doctor Stomper's files as a failsafe in
> case his research fell into the wrong hands.  Which apparently it has."

This is such a good and well-fitting idea.

>          "Inconsequential," the Doctor Stomper hologram said.  "Far more
> dangerous are the plans the Church has for Doctor Stomper's interdimensional
> teleportation technology.  I fear your allies in the Legion of Net.Heroes
> are about to enter a situation of greatest peril."

Dun dun dunnnn

>          "...and instead, you're carrying on like a couple of goofy teenagers.
> Honestly, sometimes I think you two are more interested in making jokes than
> you are in being super-heroes," Brock finished, brushing a lock of golden
> hair away from her eyes.

That's the LNH! :D

> Chinese Guy tried putting Insomnia Lad into
> a trance in hopes that it might trigger something in his subconscious, but
> all he did was babble about this TV offer for 'Obscure Hits of the '80s.' "
> 
>          "And he did it so well, I found it impossible to resist the urge to
> go out and buy it," Writers Block Woman gushed, speaking over the cockpit
> intercom.  "Really, IL, you ought to consider a career starring in
> infomercials yourself."

Heeheehee

>          "That's it!" Lite said.  "Coward Lad, hand me your Discman."

*RIOTOUS APPLAUSE* THeRE IT IS, BABY!

>          "Brock therapy," Twaeila said, making an indent in Coward Lad's
> forehead with the muzzle of her plasma rifle.  "Conquer your fears by
> overwhelming them with a new and greater fear."
> 
>          "What do you know?" Coward Lad said, handing the portable compact
> disc player to Lite.  "I'm no longer afraid."

I mean, this does work sometimes o3o

>          "No really, it's quite simple," Coward Lad said, peering around one
> of his parachute packs.  "What do you get if you rearrange the letters in the
> words 'Ric Ocasek?' "
> 
>          Lenny hopped from shoulder to shoulder, passing out sheets of paper
> and pencils as the Legionnaires scribbled furiously.
> 
>          "A rice sock?" Chinese Guy offered.
> 
>          "RCA, Coke is," DeadHead Man said.  "You know, I've always suspected
> there was a connection."
> 
>          "I'm getting, 'Arise co--" Lite began.
> 
>          "Never mind," Coward Lad said.  "The answer is, 'Case Rock I.'"
> 
>          "I still don't get it," Twaeila said, folding her arms.
> 
>          "Khe Saraq the First," Insomnia Lad whistled.  "Arms dealer.  Drug
> kingpin.  Interpol once called him the most dangerous man in the world.

This is one of the most genius ridiculous jokes in all of LNHdom, I swear.

>          "Sorry, everyone," Writers Block Woman sang cheerfully.  "It's just
> that the Vectors outside are flying about in some kind of -- did anyone here
> ever watch Robotech? -- anyway, they're out there, and they're firing on us."

Heeheeheehee X3 I *love* this dialogue, too.

>          "So let me see if I understand this," Authorial said.  He and Lad
> crouched behind an overturned table in the wreckage of what had once been the
> Planet Kirby restaurant.  Ahead of them, a group of Vectors fired plasma
> bolts into the table.  Two other divisions of Vectors prepared to flank the
> table on either side.  Invisible Intangible Inaudible Lass sat silently
> between them, while Narcoleptic Lad lay slumped next to Lad.

Oop, they un-escaped.


>          Coward Lad pressed his face against the plexiglas window of the
> flight.thingee.  "There must be hundreds of them out there," he gasped,
> "thousands.  We're going to be overwhelmed in seconds."
> 
>          Twaeila Brock looked up from her perch near the craft's open bomb
> bay doors.  She wore a WWII pilot's leather helmet and goggles; her green
> tank top was criss-crossed with belts of .50 caliber ammunition, several
> grenades and a slim, leatherette case labeled "Mr. Thingee."
> 
>          "Your windowshade is closed," she observed.  "If you think
> you're going to die, don't you at least want to see what kills you?"

Heeheeheehee <3


>          "Well, that all depends on how you look at things," Writers Block
> Woman said.  "On the one hand, I've learned a great deal about taking
> evasive action today.  On the other hand, it's very difficult to learn
> without making a few mistakes along the way."

I love understatement. X3

>          "We're leaking fuel," Chinese Guy said.  "Our repulsorlift engines
> are completely inoperable on the starboard side.  We've lost all
> communications.  And we appear to be out of honey-roasted peanuts."
> 
>          Everyone turned to look at Lenny the squirrel, who shrugged.

X3 X3 X3

>          "What?" Writers Block Woman asked.  "Lenny?  You mean...you can fly
> the flight.thingee while I attack the bad guys?"
> 
>          "I should have mentioned that earlier," Chinese Guy said.  "Lenny
> here is a flying squirrel."

I LOVE PUNS

>          "Her, ah powers, have-ah proven formidable before," the Acolyte said.
> "We will-ah not survive this.  I must-ah con-tact Lord Seedeeyus."
> 
>          "Stop doing your Trade Federation impersonations," Father Brown
> hissed.  "You aren't impressing anyone but yourself."

The late '90s were a weird time for science fiction. And movies. And... life

> Turning to the screen,
> he added, "We must take extraordinary steps.  Form the Vectorbot, and
> deploy our ultimate weapon against the heroes."

VECTOR GATTAI!

>          "A dozen jet fighters, each piloted by a beautiful redhead, joining
> together to form a gigantic robot," Lite said.  "We're trapped in one of
> Dave Van Domelen's fantasies."

X3 <3 <3 <3

>          "Worse," Insomnia Lad said, pointing to a gauge on the
> flight.thingee's control console whose red needle had suddenly slammed to the
> left.  "We've lost all power to the accelerators.  We're going to crash."

The Vectorbot is blocking the neutrino flow!

>          "AND NOW," the Vectorbot intoned, turning its glowing purple eyes
> toward the sinking shuttlecraft, "I WILL EMPLOY OUR ULTIMATE WEAPON AGAINST
> YOU...THE TRANSDIMENSIONAL TELEPORTATION CANNON!"
> 
>          "Oh," said Writers Block Woman, pausing in mid-flight.  "That doesn't
> sound so bad.  All it will do is send us someplace else."
> 
>          "YES," the Vectorbot said, a tinge of malevolent pleasure seeping
> into its electronic voice.  "EXCEPT THAT I HAVEN'T TOLD IT WHERE TO SEND
> THEM."
> 
>          "What?" Writers Block Woman said, after thinking about that for a
> moment or two.  "Oooh!  Very, very bad robot!"

Heeheehee. :> And the way they'll get out of this is obvious, but that isn't a 
bad thing in a big crossover like this.

>          There was no explosion, no report, no sound of any kind.  The area
> where the cockpit had been simply disappeared, as if it had been erased from
> existence.

That is *so cool*. :D Another good visual - though it might actually be less 
impressive in a visual medium. It's stunning here.

>          "They're all gone," Chinese Guy gasped, struggling to maintain his
> grip on the wing.  "Mouse, Lite, Coward Lad, Twaeila...Lenny...gone.
> We're all that's left."
> 
>          "I'LL RECTIFY THAT," the Vectorbot said.

That's a good line.

>          In the space that is between spaces (that is not a space, that is
> beyond space) at a time that is so far from being any time we can imagine
> as to defy the concept of time itself, a being whose essence broadened the
> definition of humanity hovered about looking for a Phillips-head
> screwdriver.

And that's an excellent paragraph.

>          "There," Tsar Chasm said, bending over and lifting the screwdriver
> from the dusty warehouse floor.  "Now, to remove my armor and get back to..."
> 
>          He paused.  Remove his armor?  That he was wearing his armor -- a
> weapons-studded, futuristic-looking suit he'd designed for punishing his
> most irritating foes -- there could be no doubt.  What bothered him was that
> he could not remember having put it on.

This is *so cool*, and continues the trend of The Thing I Like being Tsar Chasm 
being confident and competent and powerful and getting completely taken off guard.

>          "You still may not," said the hologram, reestablishing itself into
> the two-foot-high image of Doctor Stomper.  "The Vectors believe that by not
> setting a destination point for their teleportation cannon, they have
> beamed your friends into oblivion.  Not so.  Their failure to set a point of
> arrival merely means the Vectors have sent your friends to the device's
> default setting."

It's nice that we invoke the obvious quickly.

>          "And where is that?" asked Gorilla Grad.
> 
>          "Not where," the Doctor Stomper hologram said.  "When.  The cannon
> would have sent them to Doctor Stomper's first laboratory -- or rather,
> Mr. Stomper's, since he was then still a science teacher at Net.ropolis High
> -- in 1984.

I love this detail. I'm not sure if it makes sense but I love it.

>          "I'M IN HELL!" Mouse screamed.  She closed her eyes, braced herself,
> then opened her eyes to look at her reflection in the plate-glass window
> again.  They were still there: the black, midriff-baring tank top; the short
> black skirt, high heels and fishnet stockings; the fingerless lace gloves
> and 'Boy Toy' belt buckle, and worst of all, the layers upon layers of
> Aqua-Net sprayed into her hair, so that it had become a massive, inflated
> monument to tonsorial excess.
> 
>          "I...AM...IN...HELL," she repeated.

Heeheeheehee :3

>          "We must have passed through a temporal fissure," said Twaeila Brock,
> dressed in a blue spandex warm-up suit with wrist and headbands.  "Our
> clothing must have been altered by the process so as not to affect the
> space-time continuum.  Although that doesn't explain these," she said,
> pulling at the leg warmers that covered each of her thighs.

*snerkgiggle* I love it so much


>          He peered through the storefront window at a television set
>   broadcasting a commercial for the film _The Philadelphia Experiment._  On
>   the screen, a man in a white T-shirt and jeans shouted at a woman driving a
>   car while a large, dark tornado thundered in the background.
> 
>          "What's the date?" the man asked.  "The year?"
> 
>          "Are you crazy?" the woman replied.  "It's 198--"
> 
>          "We interrupt this broadcast for this special announcement," a
> special announcer said, eliciting groans from Coward Lad, Mouse, Lite,
> Lenny (still dressed as a squirrel) and Twaeila.

*fiendish cackling*

> "We bring you live to the
> situation that is rapidly developing in front of the New York headquarters of
> the music video channel MTV."

Because of course

>          "People of this running-dog capitalist plot paper-tiger Trotsky-
> ridden regime," the male began.  "My name is Boris 'The Hammer'
> Ivanyoutovanmeyovich."

I've never been able to suss out the pun in this guy's name.

>          "And together," both said, "we will crush this symbol of your
> decadent so-called democracy and bring glory to our Leninist workers'
> paradise, for we are: THE RED SQUARES!"
> 
>          "Somebody fetch me a cracker," Lite muttered, turning away from the
> window.  "I seem to have found the cheese."

Heeheeheehee. :3

Drew "so much good humor" Perron