LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #43: The Crimes of the Brotherhood Part Six

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Fri Feb 2 21:22:07 PST 2018

On 1/7/2018 1:37 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>> And after that, we have Jamas Enright's Fan.Boy #6, which skimming through
> the issue might not actually be a part of the Brotherhood crossover, but
> because the timeline said it was one -- I will be posting that too just to
> be safe..

I love the LNH. X3

> Exactly why, the
> readers want to know, did Mouse and Easily-Discovered Man Lite return from
> their sojourn alone in Dis.Net.World wearing a scarf and turtleneck,
> respectively?  What had the two active young people been doing that could
> possibly require such acouterments?

omg. X3 That's *adorable*, both the pretending to have hickeys and people 
possibly being scandalized by that

> For those readers not yet familiar with the
> Brotherhood of Net.Villains or the storyline surrounding their return, the
> following musical primer -- written and performed by the Easily-Discovered
> Band, with EDM on piano, Lite on bass, and Cynical Lass on saxophone -- may
> prove helpful.


>      Mr. Homage is the head man, got his mojo working fine
>      Polybag Person's a wrapper, with that glassy look in his eye
>      ReVamp Lass does it over, has a funny way with men
>      Repetitive Lad's just doin' it, again and again and again
>      Hiatus keeps you waitin', Lobdell Lad leaves it out
>      Plotchopper makes long stories short, RobGoblin makes you sprout
>      Grim n' Gritty got you feelin' low, Hooded Ho'od Win II makes you fight
>      Rumor Monger's spreadin' bad news, Professor Perhap just might
>      Demented Designer's got no taste, X-Intruder's taste is bad
>      Color-Error Lad mixes pigments, Captain CoreDump is a cad
>      EraserHead wipes your body out, Amnesia we don't know
>      If you've got a heart you'll lose a part to Romantic Innuendo

*holds up lighter*

>      "That was it?" she cried.  "All that waiting, all that anticipation, and
> then...nothing?  I feel so cheated, so unsatisfied...God, I need a
> cigarette."
>      "Look," I said, "I told you before I started it was the worst joke in
> the known universe.  You have only yourself to blame."


>      It was true, I thought, as the room elapsed into silence.  None of us had
> thought for the past three hours about the safe, or how we were going to get
> out, or how much air was left available to us if we didn't.  Not that it
> would have mattered all that much if we had.  Even the Prof had no way of
> determining how much oxygen lay cupped between the three-foot thick walls, and
> we'd all agreed hours ago to give up any attempts at escape in favor of
> conserving our strength.
>      So we sat, watching beads of condensation form on the darkened walls, and
> told jokes, and tried -- or at least I did -- not to think how this whole
> mess was at least partially my fault.


> Word had
> come down, across tables in the Pizza Pit, couches in the TV lounge, and
> the off-track betting parlor outside the Peril Room, that the Brotherhood of
> Net.Villains were back.  To the Prof, this was the equivalent of saying that
> the Beatles had reunited and invited Elvis to join them on their upcoming
> tour.

Easily-Discovered Man is *adorable*.

>      "All the more reason for us to lay low and catch the Laverne and Shirley
> reunion," I said.  "I've seen some of the things the Brotherhood has done
> on that 'Unresolved Plotlines' show Robert TCP/IP Stack hosts.  They make the
> Manson family look like the Von Trapp family singers!"

And a passing storm of references that will now be indecipherable to many readers!

> our fearless
> commander, that Ginsu-wielding geyser of glory called the Ultimate Ninja,
> has dispatched us on a mission to apprehend the mysterious and ever-dreaded
> Red Herring."
>      "Funny," I said.  "I've never heard of the Red Herring.  Are you sure
> he's a member of the Brotherhood?"

Actually, he's a member of F.I.S.H. Force. (Speaking of obscure references...)

>      I was pretty sure what manner of mission Ultimate Ninja planned to
> send the Prof on, and slightly resentful of the insult.  But I kept my
> suspicions to myself, figuring that if a wild goose chase could keep the Prof
> from tangling with the Brotherhood of Net.Villains throughout the duration of
> the crossover, it would be worth the humiliation and ridicule that would
> inevitably follow at the hands of my fellow Legionaires.
>      The last thing in the world I expected was that the Prof would actually
> find something in the course of his investigations.

Wonk wonk waaaaa~

>      "When you have had as many years, as many battles, as many sweat-soaked
> campaigns of combat against the forces of evil as have I, you will come to
> understand that in comic books, any clue -- however insignificant it may
> seem -- inevitably leads to the ultimate disclosure of the insidious
> conspiracies your enemies are constantly plotting against the existence of
> the free world."
>      "Great, Prof.  Have you been listening to Republican talk radio again?"

Haha @-@;

>      I found myself getting caught up in the Prof's cockamamie theory in spite
> of my best efforts to do otherwise.  This was exactly what I had been waiting
> for during the entire period of my employment with Easily-Discovered Man: the
> chance to act as a real super-hero, solving baffling crimes, seeing my
> brilliant profile on the cover of the Net.ropolis _Observer_.  Moreover, it
> would finally prove to the other heroes in the LNH that the Prof was more
> than a blithering idiot who sometimes happened to stumble his way to success.

I love Lite and his love for EDM.

> I even went so far as to call Cynical
> Lass in London (on Steak and Potatoes Man's calling card, of course), asking
> her to complete the rest of her summer internship in super-heroing with the
> Prof and I, since the InterKnights had lost their accreditation with most
> British universities following the White Dwarf situation.

Ah, yes, a lovely character.

>      This routine proceeded without a hitch for four days.  Nothing at all
> suspicious happened, until Saturday morning rolled around and no employees
> appeared to let Cynical Lass, the Prof, and myself out of the vault.
> Because this was a holiday weekend -- meaning that the bank itself was not
> specifically scheduled to be opened until the following Tuesday -- the three
> of us were more than a little concerned about remaining in a vault without
> food, water, or what we suspected was very much in the way of oxygen.

Oop. ^^;;;

>      The vault was lit up suddenly with a blinding flash, shortly before the
> great steel door swung open and I felt four solid knuckles strike the bridge
> of my nose.

It's a little disappointing to have the great in medias res be quickly and 
tidily moved on from once the flashback is over, but what can ya do.

>      When I came to I was seated at the edge of an enormous dais.  The Prof
> and Cynical Lass were rubbing their eyes and the backs of their heads.  On
> the dais sat an enormous crystal prism, casting a glittering rainbow on a
> wall at the back of the room.  On the prism stood the only other figure in
> the room, a young man dressed in robes of flowing motley that seemed lifted
> from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat."  His face, hands, hair
> and eyes were grey.

This is a very different version of Color-Error Lad than we later (and earlier!) 
see, but I love him so.

>      "Ah, now, now," the figure chided.  "First of all, Cynical Lass, I do not
> hire goons: that would be Philistine.  My men are well-paid, able, and for
> the most part, college-educated.

Classism! >:o What a vile fiend!

>      "By using my powers to change the color of my skin, I can appear at one
> moment a Black Muslim minister and in the next a Nazi commandant," the
> villain continued.  "I use the same rhetoric on both groups to convince them
> they must overthrow the world's governments and serve me absoultely.  Only
> then will their hated enemies be eradicated forever."

Eheheheheh. ^^;;;; This is... there's a little... eheheheheheh. ^^;;;;;;;;;; I 
absolutely understand based on the narrative that was being widely passed around 
at the time, and it's not an unreasonable attempt at engagement with larger 
issues... but yeeeeah. >->

>      "Mr. Brown!  Mr. Orange!  Mr. Pink!  Mr. White!  Seal off the exits!"
> Color-Error Lad said.  "Mr. Blonde!  Do...what you do best."
>      One of the suits, a lean, greasy, wicked-looking tough, drew a
> switchblade from his pocket and began to gyrate back and forth, making short
> swipes through the air, while the faint strains of "Stuck in the Middle With
> You" played in the background.


> The Peril Room. Probably the most dangerous room in the LNHQ

Specifically, the most perilous!

>          Upstairs, Doc Stomper set the program in action and monitored
> the room as the ninja started killing the members of the LNH yet again.

It's funny how quickly this became blase.

>          [Actually no, you are one of the most tightly written into
> continuity characters in the LNH. In fact Jaelle goes out of her _way_
> to make sure that there is a tight continuity. That's why there are
> all these problems with it.

Irony! :D

>          [Anyone going to notice the far wall where these two figures are?]
>          Mouse scampered out of the way. "What the hell is going on here?"
>          [Hello? The two figures? Over there?]


>          "Unless there's some anomaly, I'm not going to stop the test."
>          [Anomaly? You want an anomaly?]
>          Mouse struggled to stay upright while the robots thundered over
> the ground. "Anomaly, eh? Where the hell is an anomaly when you need one?"
>          [OVER BY THE FAR WALL!]
>          "Sorry. Ninja's orders."
>          [That does it. you're on your own, missy.]


> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q.8     Who is the most powerful LNHer?
> A.8     The Roster King, of course. He who controls the entries controls
> those who the entries belong to. Second is Faq Boy. He who controls
> information controls knowledge. He who controls knowledge, controls the
> people. (All under the Roster King's kind and benevolent guidance, of
> course.) After them is the spokesperson for the LNH, the Prodigal Samurai.
> Add note: Of all the LNHers, only Faq Boy and his counterpart, Fan.Boy,
> can survive being killed.

The whole thing with Faq Boy and the Roster King is some marvelous metafiction.

>          The UN stared at the programmer for a moment more, then
> activated his desk computer. Calling up the roster, he flipped through
> and located Fan.Boy's entry. It wasn't too hard as it was at the top of
> the F-R list.
>          "Why haven't I been informed of this? When did he arrive?"
>          The programmer shrugged again. "I don't know."

Chaos! :D

>          "Something must have happened to Fan.Boy. Probably ended up in
> alternative dimension where he met another version of himself," Doctor
> Stomper indicated the second figure before continuing, "and something
> happened to him. Most likely, he was killed."


>          "Right," said Fan.Boy, turning to face his opponent. "!@#$"
>          ("The true ninja can tune out foolish babble," the UN said.)
>          ("Oh $%@@," said Faq Boy, watching as the UN's ginzu katana
> easily sliced through Fan.Boy's body.)


> They got out of the lift on the fourth floor and made their way down the
> hall. As he was about to enter his room, Fan.Boy heard a strange sound
> coming from around the corner. It sounded like someone running in padded
> shoes.
>          He jumped up against his wall in surprise as around the corner
> came a piece of jogging cloth. Both he and Faq Boy watched with gaping
> eyes as the cloth disappeared around another bend.

...wait, is that a--

>          "Retcons and other Running Gags."

Heeheehee :3

Drew "fun times" Perron

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