LNH/LNH20/LUNA: FLASH! LNH Comics Presents Monthly #3
Drew Perron
pwerdna at gmail.com
Mon May 22 14:38:22 PDT 2017
#3 #3
*============================================================================*
Since the dawn of the Internet, they have been its defenders! Today, the
strangest heroes of all protect the world against hate, fear, and apathy! Our
knights in shining spandex...
*============================================================================*
| * THE LEGION OF NET . HEROES |
| In: * * F * * |
| * L * Legion of Issue #3, featuring the talents of: |
| * ! A ! * Net. Drew Perron Adrian McClure |
| * S * Heroes Dave Van Domelen |
| * * H * * Presents That's it this time |
| * Monthly Probably more next time |
*============================================================================*
Featuring short stories up to:
[DIAMOND] 100 words * [GOLD] One page * [MOLYBDENUM] Three pages
*============================================================================*
#3 #3
[LNH/LUNA] "Speaker For the Thread" Part 3
by Dave Van Domelen
The question. Who answers.
[LNH] The Core LNH #3.0: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 3
by Drew Perron
The Flames leap up as the tension flares! Is this a battle, or the beginning
of a social justice war!?
[LNH20/LUNA] Dream Date
by Adrian McClure
Oh what a night! Don't let the bedbugs bite!
[LNH] The Core LNH #3.5: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 4
by Drew Perron
An actual action scene!
[LNH] Chicks In Space! Part 1
by Adrian McClure
An all-new serial, premiering in these pages! The ladies of the Legion go on
a hyperspace road trip to steal back their stuff! Like Thelma and Louise, only
[spoilers for a movie from 1991]!
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH/LUNA]-------------------------------------------------[DIAMOND]*
*---------------------------SPEAKER FOR THE THREAD---------------------------*
*-----------------------------------Part 3-----------------------------------*
*-----------------------------by Dave Van Domelen----------------------------*
*============================================================================*
"Why?"
So many threads die and are buried with that question unanswered. The
details vary, but the plaintive unanswered request remains the same. Ancient
threads imploring others for answers, where no answer was to be had. Perhaps no
one knew. Perhaps no one cared. The original querent may have long since found
their answer elsewhere, but it is equally likely they never found out.
I am a speaker for the thread, which sometimes means answering questions
forgotten, laying the old ghosts to rest. This is not without its danger,
thread necromancy is feared and hated.
But I answer them nonetheless.
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*--------------------------------THE CORE LNH--------------------------------*
*--------------Issue #3.0: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 3---------------*
*-------------------------------by Drew Perron-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
"Could you *please* *just* *NOT*!?" All at once, PC Person threw his limbs
wide and thrust out his chest! With a thunderous BOOM, out burst a great
orange-red flame!
Everyone blinked.
"*Oh* boy," said Kid Enthusiastic. "Skunk Girl, get the noncombatants out!"
"Right!" SG picked up Kid E and put him on her shoulders. She lifted Lester
O'Brien up in a bridal carry ("Hey!") and skeddadled.
"Not me!" shouted Kid E. "I'm your leader! Also, wheeeeeee~!"
"Let's talk it out, PC Person," said Hell Catalyst, stretching out her
hands, waves of calm coming off her. "I'm sorry we didn't acknowledge your
concerns before. We're listening now, y'know?" Her smile shone like the sun.
"Well..." PC was breathing hard, hands flexing, a circular area in the
middle of his button-up shirt smoldering like campfire embers. "That helps..."
"Mmmm-hm," said Tyrannus Auron, slipping his suit jacket on. "I'm sure
they'll really and truly listen, now that you've said 'please'. After all, it's
*so* different than all the other times."
"No, no, that's not how it..." PC swallowed, a ripple of flame starting at
his hairline and running back over his head like wind through amber grain. "You
don't know... you don't..."
"You're right," said Golden Man, stepping between Tyrannus Auron and PC
Person, making sure he was the closest target for any attacks and giving Auron
the stinkeye over his shoulder. "He doesn't know you at *all*. You can handle
this anger, PC Person. You've got the willpower of a hero."
"Yes..." said PC Person hoarsely. "But I've been... I've been bearing up
under it for so long, no one... no one pays attention, even the heroes, no one
*cares*..." The last word was punctuated by a whumph like a gas stove turning
on. A momentary flame burst over PC's chest and winked out.
WikiBoy edged over to the closest person - Miss Social-Cues. "I can't
suggest edits," he whispered urgently, "but..."
She looked at him with big, innocent eyes. "But what?"
He blinked, then shook his head. "Sorry, wrong person to insinuate at."
Painful Pun Person stepped forward. "I'm sorry, PC. I don't even know what I
said wrong. But I really want to! I don't want to be Painfully Prejudiced
Person!" Hell Catalyst focused on catalyzing her regret and sincerity.
PC Person looked up into her eyes. "No... I... you're not just saying
that... you really care... right?" He reached out a hand.
"That's it," said Tyrannus Auron, suddenly in PC's personal space, eyes
locked to his. "Let them say their platitudes, let them make a shallow little
change, and that'll make up for the dismissal, the conscious ignorance of all
the oppression their little club of status quo protectors refuse to confront."
PC Person fell to his knees. "You-- YOU!"
"That's *IT*!" Golden Man lifted Tyrannus Auron in the air--
--and PC Person SCREAMED. "YOU JUST WON'T LISTEN!"
The scream was a shockwave of energy, buffeting the bodies of everyone
around him, tossing them around like ragdolls. A figure of pure fire lifted into
the air, glass shattering, spinning lazily to the ground.
"NO MORE BEING QUIET!" thundered a voice from everywhere. "NO MORE HOLDING
BACK! NOW AND FOREVER, I AM... NON-BINARY!"
*============================================================================*
*[LNH20/LUNA]----------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*---------------------------------DREAM DATE---------------------------------*
*-----------------------------by Adrian McClure------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
Craig Owens was sick and tired of dating. The gay scene here was not
great--the last guy he'd tried hooking up with had spent an hour talking about
his gun collection. So he'd been desperate enough to download a phone app from a
site he'd never heard of saying it would get him in touch with his "dream date."
After looking through the pictures--which beside the usual unpleasant-looking
prospects included a squid and five men in horse masks--he had finally found one
he liked the look of, a dark-haired man who looked kind of thoughtful and
delicately handsome. His outfit was kind of weird but maybe he was dressed up
for a con. When he swiped right, the phone had then flashed "GO TO SLEEP."
Overcome by a sudden and inexplicable sense of tiredness, he crashed on his bed.
That night he dreamed he was in a fancy Italian restaurant, floating on a
giant gondola, rowed by statues who sang bombastic gondolier versions of Carly
Rae Jepsen songs.
The boy, dressed in his lovely elaborate cloak and silk uniform, was a
prince--specifically the Prince of Dreams. His name was Paracelsus Rosenkreuz
Tanner von Horn-und-Elfenbein, but most people just called him "the Prince" or
"Perry." They had a long conversation about their jobs--Craig worked in a data
center, while the Prince--Craig didn't quite feel ready to call him "Perry"
yet--watched over all the world's dreams and made sure they didn't break free
into the waking world.
As they spoke, the galleon rose up from the ocean and floated up into the
sky, spreading golden wings, as the mermaids waved goodbye. A few passing stars
stuck out their tongues. It was a beautiful night, and Craig felt the moment for
their first kiss coming in. He leaned in, and then was rudely interrupted by the
buzzing of the phone from the Prince's pocket.
"Oh come on," muttered the Prince. He shoved his phone as if to make sure it
stayed in his pocket and leaned back in for the kiss which was ready to happen
any moment now.
Before they could lock lips, the phone climbed up the Prince's back and
tapped him on the shoulder with enormous white cartoon hands. "Oh come on!" said
the Prince. The phone pulled out a big red receiver which was ringing furiously,
and the prince took it. "Mom?" he said. "Is that you?"
"Lbh'er arrqrq," said the voice on the other side.
"Mom, I'm kind of on a date right now."
"Bu! Vf ur phgr?"
"Let's talk about it later, OK?" he said.
"BX! Olr!" The phone hung up the phone and climbed back into the Prince's
pocket.
"That was my mom," said the Prince. "She's great, but she's also kind of a
busybody."
"Yeah, I know that one." Craig made his best attempt at a charming smile and
leaned back in to kiss. But now it was his phone's turn to start buzzing
nonstop. He picked up his phone and tried to turn it off, but it wouldn't. The
phone notifications flew out of the screen and buzzed around his head like
glowing flies. He swatted at them. "Shoo! Shoo!"
Then he saw a massive buzzing thing flying through the air, which made his
bones vibrate like a passing train. It was a notification. "Oh no!" said Craig.
"I have a meeting I have to go to!"
"OK, bye! See you later!" said the Prince. He blew a kiss. The notification
grabbed Craig in its claws and carried him off into the air.
Then he saw two more just like it heading his way. "Oh no! I have three
meetings I have to go to and they're all at the same time!" The other
notifications each grabbed ahold of them and found themselves locked in a deadly
struggle, tearing at his clothes. "Um... could you please let me go?" Craig
whispered.
He looked down and saw a plain full of jagged stalactites glaring up at him.
"Wait! Don't let me go! Don't let me go!" He felt his clothing rip, losing its
tenuous purchase and sending him plunging through the air...
And he woke up in his usual bed, safe and sound. "Oh man," he said. "I
should not have eaten that three week old pizza."
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*--------------------------------THE CORE LNH--------------------------------*
*--------------Issue #3.5: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 4---------------*
*-------------------------------by Drew Perron-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
"NO MORE BEING QUIET!" thundered a voice from everywhere. "NO MORE HOLDING
BACK! NOW AND FOREVER, I AM... NON-BINARY!"
Far above the building floated a fiery silhouette, boiling from red to
orange to yellow. Lester sped away in his car. Kid Enthusiastic and Skunk Girl
stood on the lawn and stared, no longer recognizing the shape as PC Person.
"I thought this was going to be a *wacky* serial," muttered Skunk Girl.
Golden Man stumbled out of the lobby, the rest of the Core LNH following
behind, costumes torn, hair ashy. He looked up, sighed, rolled up his sleeves,
and cracked his knuckles. "Okay. Well, Kid, you're in charge - what do we do?"
Kid Enthusiastic shook himself out. "Right!" He dropped his backpack and dug
into it, pulling out weird devices. "It seems like he's tapping into some cosmic
power source maybe net.elemental Flame but definitely emotion-based so if we can
talk him down then we can LOOK OUT!!"
The shape of flame flared white-hot. "NON-BINARY PULSE!" echoed Non-Binary's
voice, and a scintillating wave of light rolled across the city. The net.heroes
rolled for cover, but the light just passed through them.
"Crap!" Kid Enthusiastic rose, holding a megaphone. "WikiBoy, you generate
personal force shields!" they shouted. "Golden Man, hold them off! Hell
Catalyst, try to calm them-- wait a sec."
Painful Pun Person gasped. "It's a theirstorical event! All third-person
pronouns have been switched to the 'they/them' set!"
WikiBoy spun, enbubbling Golden Man as they flew at the flaming figure and
engaged in fisticuffs. Hell Catalyst stretched out their arms and projected pure
calm. WikiBoy tried to bubble them, only to find that this ability had a
10-second cooldown added in the last patch for purposes of game balance.
Kid Enthusiastic cobbled together an energy-draining anti-cannon and gave it
to Skunk Girl, who hefted it onto their shoulder and tried to siphon off the
midair inferno. Painful Pun Person shouted something about there being no such
thing as two, but it was lost in the crackling furor.
"It's not working!" shouted Skunk Girl. "They're not listening!"
"I know what'll make this guy less upset! A *song!*" Miss Social-Cues jumped
up on top of a piece of fallen masonry and started singing. "Oh, cheer up sad
kid, don't let the skies be blue..."
With an inarticulate shout of rage, Non-Binary broke away from Golden Man
and turned, lashing out with a gout of pain and rage and sheer destructive Flame
- right at Miss Social-Cues.
"NO!" shouted Wikiboy, stretching out a hand. "Come on come on WORK!"
It didn't work. MSC, eyes wide in surprise, disappeared in fire.
"No..." The flames froze for a moment, curling waves on a burning sea.
"...NO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!" With a screech of grief, Non-Binary rose up on a
pillar of fire and disappeared into the sky.
Golden Man turned and sped toward the target of the flame, mind already
recalling the location of Lost Cause Boy Memorial Hospital, hoping they wouldn't
have to add another statue to the Hall of Lost Heroes--
Miss Social-Cues stood there, on the scorched grass, perfectly untouched by
the pure elemental Flame.
They blinked at their concerned teammates. "...oh!" They snapped their
fingers. "They were *angry*, weren't they..."
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------[MOLYBDENUM]*
*------------------------------CHICKS IN SPACE!------------------------------*
*-----------------------------------Part 1-----------------------------------*
*-----------------------------by Adrian McClure------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
Token Girl was coming home after a long day of adventuring. Time to rest,
she thought. But elsewhere, in an abandoned shopping mall in West Virginia, the
East Coast Brotherhood of Net.Villains was plotting the Legion's doom! That,
however had nothing at all to do with this story, so Token Girl was hoping she
could get some sleep for a change.
She had had a long, stressful week of fighting evil landlords, assassins,
and roving gangs of cosplayers. It would be nice if she had someone to spend the
night with, but she didn't. She was feeling tired lonely and frustrated and
undateable.
She wondered where Sarcastic Lad, her
on-again-off-again-but-mostly-off-these-days semi-boyfriend, was--probably out
in a bar, having a great time, telling people about the time he went to the moon
and slept with the queen of the moon Amazons. [Pigs in Space #1-2] He never got
tired of that story, even though it was years and years ago now.
At least she had that giant Totoro plushie she kept in her room to cuddle.
Some days she felt like that was the only thing that kept her going.
She opened the door to her quarters and gasped. Totoro was gone.
She checked again. There was the shelf of good 90s anime, the shelf of
terrible 90s anime she watched for nostalgia value, the shelf of newer anime she
reluctantly admitted was good... And next to that... Nothing. No Totoro
whatsoever. And a six foot plushie was pretty much impossible to misplace.
Who could have done this? Sarcastic Lad? No, whenever he'd done something
hurtful to her, it was thoughtless, not deliberate. The League of Net.Assassins?
No, even they wouldn't stoop this low... Who would?
Lost in thought, she almost didn't notice Catalyst Lass until she'd run into
her. Which was surprising. Cat was her oldest friend on the team, the one who'd
inducted her as a net.hero, back before she even knew how to fight. Before the
island. Back when she was just a college student, clueless but good at snappy
comebacks, whose only power was attracting weirdos. Time and time again, back in
her high school and college days, the few people who noticed her were profoundly
strange. People constantly walked up to her while she was sitting down trying to
read and struck up awkward conversations about their obsessions. Her first
boyfriend, for example, had seemed nice and normal and nonthreatening enough but
he was actually a vampire who also happened to be one of the world's most famous
stamp collectors.
This was all right up to a point, since she had to admit she could be pretty
weird herself. But when the net.heroes and net.villains had come along, she'd
started running into them constantly in her daily life one of them had come by
every day when she worked as a cashier in a convenience store. Eventually, after
it had been destroyed by the inevitable brawl, Catalyst Lass, who she'd made
friends with, had convinced her to just go ahead and join the LNH. Back then,
there hadn't been a whole lot of female net.heroes, so she took the name "Token
Girl." Since then her life, if not normal, at least had had a consistent level
of strangeness. She'd enjoyed a lot of it, but sometimes it was deeply, deeply
frustrating. Like when someone stole her Totoro.
"Oh hi Tara!" said Cat. She smiled--this was her casually reassuring
friendly smile, not her I-want-something smile, thank goodness. "You're mad, huh."
"Yes. How could you tell." Token Girl's fists were clenched and there was
steam rising from her ears.
Cat puts her hand on her shoulder. "What happened?"
"Someone. Stole. Totoro," said Token Girl, through clenched jaws.
"What? No. Seriously?"
"Yeah. I've had a long week and I need to hug Totoro and there's no Totoro
to hug."
"You can hug me," said Cat.
She did, putting her deep in bear hug. It did feel pretty nice. Cat brushed
her fingers her hair. "Thanks," said Token Girl. "But I still need to hug
Totoro. And I need to punch whoever stole him."
"Oh yeah," said Cat, "absolutely."
"You're not gonna tell me to calm down?"
"No way," said Cat, who looked as cheerful as ever but her eyes were
twitching in a barely noticeable way. "I'm mad too. No one messes with my
friend's stuff! Okay," she said, disentangling herself from the hug and turning
on the LNH communicator. (A cell phone in a case that said "LNH Communicator".)
"Multi-Tasking Man, did anyone break into the LNHQ yesterday?"
"I mean, probably," he said, in between hacking the FBI server and playing a
Sailor Moon character on Lass Lad's MUSH. "Oh yeah, got it. Here, I'm sending
you the security footage."
Catalyst Lass pulled up the grainy footage on her phone (they should really
invest in better security cameras, but they were constantly getting destroyed).
It showed a group of armored figures materializing out of thin air by Token
Girl's apartment...
Dorfs. They were Dorf soldiers, just like the ones who had fought the LNH
not long ago as part of General Jarrek's failed invasion [LNH v20 #50] or the
Crossover Queen's armada [Just Another Cascade]. They kicked open the door and
three of them grabbed ahold of Totoro and lifted it up, almost reverently. They
said something that, based on Token Girl's vague knowledge of conversational
Dorfian, could be "We have the Artifact!" or maybe "I have eaten the fish of
your brother Raoul."
"Hmm," said Catalyst Lass. "So, Dorf. Obviously we should to to space to get
Totoro back. But who should we bring along?"
"Hi guys!" said Merissa, toting her unique awesome-powered gun which she
never seemed to have trouble carrying around even though it was twice as large
as her.
"Hmm," said Catalyst Lass, "maybe Time Waster Lad..."
"Aw c'mon," said Merissa. "I walked into the room just when you were
planning a thing, so obviously I've gotta be part of the thing right?"
"Insomniac Lad--oh hi Merissa! Some Dorf kidnapped Tara's Totoro and we're
going to space to fight them."
"Sounds great!" said Merissa. "I'm always up for fighting an entire army in
space."
"Great!" said Cat. "Let's get a space.thingy ready!"
Suddenly Token Girl wasn't tired any more. "Yknow," she said, "this could be
a pretty fun mission. Let's do this. What could go wrong?"
"Er," said Cat, "Tara, hon, it's really not a good idea to say things like
that..."
"OK, nothing's going to go wrong--uh, that's not better. Lots of stuff will
go wrong? Never mind..."
*============================================================================*
Authors' Notes and Administrivia:
DREW: The Core LNH #3.0 takes place before the Another LNH Title? Really? Free
Comic Book Day Special, wherein it's revealed that WikiBoy has gained the
ability to suggest edits to others - or, perhaps, simply become comfortable with
that ability.
ADRIAN: Dream Date was a homage to Winsor McKay's Little Nemo in Slumberland,
minus the the Jungle Imps, thank goodness. Perry's mom's dialogue is in rot13,
as Dvandom Force readers will no doubt have realized.
Drew "double-checking to make sure nobody else sent me stories for this issue"
Perron
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