LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #37: Culinary Disasters Part Three

[Drew Perron]

On 5/13/2017 4:36 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
>                          =====================
>                       Culinary Disasters Part Three
>                          =====================

WOO

> While they are discussing it, Cheesecake Eater Lad is knocked out,
> kidnapped, and tied to a Whirling Machine'O'Death. Some people have all
> the luck. :-)

Eh? Eh? Get it? :3

>         "Someone must have kidnapped him." said Brad.
>         "You don't sound particularly worried." said Synchronicity.
>         "I'm not, this sort of thing happens to us on a fairly regular
> basis, it's covered in our insurance policies.

*immediate thought about a story that deals with net.hero insurance in light of 
the health insurance industry and such*

> Now if this your average
> type of kidnapping, then there should be a clue around here to lead us to
> the HQ of the bad guys."
>         "And if it isn't?"
>         "Then we're probably about to be attacked."
>         On cue, several large men ambushed them.

Heeheehee

>         "Run away!" yelled Brad.
>         "Buy them off!" yelled Synchronicity.
>         "Capitalist!"
>         "No, shopaholic."
>         "I should introduce you to Writers Block Woman," muttered Brad,

Good banter. <3

> Synchronicity and Brad watched as the goons (Ahoy Neddie!)

Heeheehee

(For those not in the know, that was a reference to The Goon Show, a 1950s 
comedy radio program, many references to which made it into, you guessed it, 
Dvandom Force.)

>         "Do you think we should attack?" asked Synchronicity.
>         "Well, let me think," said Brad, "There's the two of us, against
> a room full of bad guys, we don't have any powers (except for your
> teleporting) and we're not very good unarmed fighters, on the plus side,
> they won't be expecting it."
>         "A simple no would have sufficed."

Heeheehee

>         "You know, it doesn't make sense to me that he's called Frank and
> you guys have got those long names."
>         "Well, he's actually named Sincerity, so we called him Earnest,
> but he said he was more frank than earnest and so..."

You know, until I re-read this story, I misremembered this line as Frank himself 
saying it, and there being a callback to it during the ending.

>         "Synchronicity."
>         "Yes?"
>         "I don't wish to know that."

TBH this is a hilarious response. X3

>         "Oh no, we just contract it, call me Syncity."
>         "Syncity who." asked Brad, who had a sneaking suspicion that the
> name jokes were not yet over.
>         "Syncity Millar. Brad, why are you banging your head against the
> ground like that?"

heeheehee

>         Brad looked over the team. Syncity had changed into a new outfit
> and looked ready to kill. Brad knew this because the last time she had
> looked like this she'd tried to kill _him_.

X3

>         "Are we ready?" asked Practical Girl.
>         "I'm feeling in tune with your readiness. But I sense danger."
> said Emotive Lass.
>         "Let's do it." announced Syncity. And before Brad could add his
> line to the characterisations she teleported them inside.

Heeheehee

>         ("They lost the fight and were captured?" You call that a fight
> scene?)
>         Oh sorry, did you want more?
>         (Yes!)
>         Oh okay. Teleporting into the ring of thugs the heros were taken
> briefly by surprise. "Hellfire!" yelled Brad...
>         (No, no, no. It's bloody pointless having one _now_ isn't it,
> when you've already told everyone who's going to win and how it's going
> to turn out.)

Bwahahaha. X3 <3

>         "Yup, except for the fact that I've been hit on the head,
> kidnapped, and tied up to a death machine."
>         "I sense your pain." Emotive Lass assured him.

Man, nobody knew how to write Counselor Troi

> Mainstream Man leered at Panta's attire.

Please Do Not. People creeping on Panta are *so creepy*. @-@ Like, I don't think 
"innocent sexuality" is a completely indefensible concept, but in the sense of 
"making sexual overtures towards someone who literally does not understand them 
and definitely cannot deal with them on an emotional level" - yuuugh.

> She was wearing a bikini bottom and
> a Digital Pink T-shirt, shortened to reveal Panta's furry white midriff. Her
> feet were bare; a cat bell hung from her neck. They were the only things that
> Panta could find to wear. The effect was almost indecent while not revealing
> anything naughty.

That includes when the narrator does it @@;

> The door cranked up slowly, revealing a warehouse of foodstuffs packed in
> bulk. Beets in 1,000 kilo cages. 10,000 cans of tomato soup per crate. All
> in sizes much too large for Panta to move.
>
> It was with a sight of relief than Panta spotted the Power Suit in the corner.
> An advanced version of the Power Loader used by Ripley in 'Aliens', it would
> allow her to move and shift the crates and boxes in the pantry.

This is amazingly cool tho. :D

> They needed
> to be stirred from time to time to keep from burning; the Power Suit
> used a 3 meter spatula for the stirring.

I love "supertech used for domestic purposes".

> Panta whirled her Power Suit around as the bullets barely missed her. Almost
> as an accident, she pressed the cooking oil button. A pump whirled into action,
> pulling hot corn oil from the LNH's tanks and spraying it at high pressure
> through the Power Suit's left hand.
>
> At 200 degrees C, the hot oil sprayed across the Power Armor. Manga Man's
> cooling coils began to glow and smoke. The Gatling guns slowed and stopped
> as the oil fouled the rotating barrels.

Heh heh heh

> His third step brought the helpless leopard girl within range - his fourth
> step brought him disaster. The Power Armor's feet slipped from underneath
> him. The suit's gyros, already heating up, failed to restore the suit's
> balance; he tottered and fell over, face forward.
>
> The suit kept sliding in the puddle of cooking oil. It hit the back wall,
> smoking. Then Manga Man accidently triggered the missiles.

 >:D

Sadly, she didn't get to say an adorable version of "Get away from her, you bitch!"

>      Tad's hands shook as he tore open the envelope.  It read like this.
>
> Dear LNHer,
>
>      I would like to welcome you to the League of Net.Heroes.  I hope you
> will find your stay with us educational and rewarding.  We do require certain
> services of you in return for the kitchenette and suite we have provided you
> with.  You will be expected to perform missions for the betterment of
> humankind and the salvation of earth.
>
>      Your first important mission is Kitchen Patrol.  You will cook for us.
>  Let me remind you that you will like cooking for us, and you will cook well.
>  Thankyou for your cooperation.
>
>                                                                Ultimate Ninja

I feel like this is a variety of detail we rarely get, and it is precious. >.>c

>      Jynx looked like she was about to go into one of her feminist spiels

heh, this isn't uncomfortable @-@ Though I liked that, as Kid Kiwi's Kommandos 
went on, the narrative realized that the character who was supposed to be a 
parody of what they thought feminists wanted women to be was actually... 
awesome? And worth being?

>      Jynx strode out into the cafeteria.  There were, unsurprisingly, a bunch
> of heroes at the tables.  "Alright, listen up!  I'm gonna take orders from
> anybody who hasn't ordered yet!  You can have sardines, anchovies, raw
> spinach, escargot, cauliflour, liver, spam, asparagus, sprouts, eggplant, and
> prune juice.  Whaddya want?"

Like, look at this, this is adorable

>      "Cappuchino?  Isn't that an Order of Monks?  That's sick!

Pfffff

> I'll just use
> monkfish instead."  A moment later a slab of celibate seafood occupied the
> burner next to the octopus.  "Hmm... it's supposed to be a drink.  No
> problem..."  With a plop, it was moved from the burner to the blender.  The
> blades whined

Oh lawd

>      A few minutes and unpleasant sounds later, she returned.  "You call
> Mouse 'babe' and she get's offended.  You call me 'babe' and yer a pretzel."
>  Tad peeked out into the cafeteria.  Innovative Offence Boy was mounted on
> the salad bar with an apple in his mouth, his wrists tied around his ankles.

KINKY AF

>      >>Oh yeah?  Ever seen _Mutiny on the Bounty?_<<
>
>      >>You've been living in the wilds of New Zealand your whole life!  Where
> did you see _Mutiny on the Bounty?<<
>
>      >>I get around!<<
>
>      >>Oh, sure....<<

I really do love the Kid Kiwi/Phil relationship.

>    "Just great.   Hey, you haven't seen Guitar Man about, have you?   He's
> been gone a while and he didn't say where he was off to."   Fan.Boy looked
> worried for a sec, and then smiled.
>    "Sure.   He's hanging around with a rather, well, influential friend for
> a while.   I don't know where he's headed right now but I do know he played
> a short gig at a really unique nightclub, and he was very well received."

This is *definitely* a reference I don't get because I haven't read Guitar Man 
in 20 years.

>    "Sure thing.   I'll despatch the MegaEggTruck right away, expect them in
> the next 20 minutes."

Right after Sonic the Hedgehog stops beating it up.

>    "Honest Omar's Used Camel Emporium, Abdul speaking.   May I interest you
> in a low mileage camel?   We have a nice two-humper just come in that was
> used by a little old lady on Sundays to wage jihad, going cheap."

ha ha ha THIS ISN'T UNCOMFORTABLE @-@

>    Bladed Lad worked fast.   The eggs had arrived first and his recipe, which
> was given to him by his mother, required the separation of the yolks and the
> whites.

Pro tip: You can take an empty plastic bottle, put the mouth of it on the yolk, 
squeeze, and it'll suck the yolk right up and you'll be left with the white! Who 
ever said superhero comics aren't educational?

>    "Ow, don't pull that way, unroll it like... ow!   That's my HAIR!   Are
> you trying to pull it all out, or just stretch it?"
>    "Yes," said Ambiguity Lass.

heeheeheehee

> Inside,
> Bladed Lad hummed as he fluffed the whites with his fists, blades whirling.
> Cannon Fodder pulled his head back.

*snerk*

>  He hunted for a cloth to wipe his hands on, but none was
> evident.   He was just starting a cupboard-hunt for paper towels when the
> door banged open and a piece of cloth started to sprint across the floor.
> Bladed Lad frowned, and scooped it up as it skittered past his feet.   He
> wiped his hands on it, and suddenly it made a leap for his mouth.

I'm so confused

>    "Mmmmphm  Mpphm Mmmmmph," said Bladed Lad, and snatched it away, throwing
> it back to the floor.   It hit the ground running, and vanished from the
> room.   Bladed Lad shrugged,and turned his attention to the omelette.

BE MORE CURIOUS XD But I guess stuff like this happens in the LNHQ every day

>         "What's up Frat Boy?" asked T-WL.
>         "I got tapped to cook for the LNH tomorrow," the Greek Gladiator
> moaned.  "And UN ruled out peanut butter and Ramen noodles.

Which is actually really good, if you put peanut butter and soy sauce in water 
and boil it into a sauce. (I use Bragg's Liquid Aminos instead of soy sauce, mind.)

>         "All 'cept the ed't'd f'r TV love scenes," pointed out SAL
> indifferently.
>         Frat Boy's eyes lit up with inspiration.  "Until now!  Gents,
> you've given me the idea for the ultimate spiked punch!"

ha
ha
ha @-@;;;;;;

Yeah, I re-read this story not long ago, and I mean, obviously it's not going to 
actually go in That Direction, but still, Hoo Boy.

>         "A key to Martin's psyche?"
>         "No!  All we need are for the heroines to be mindlessly amourous!"
>         "That's what I just said..."

Oh ouch. XD

>         Sister State-the-Obvious remained frozen, her hand poised to knock
> on Master Blaster's door.  She had arrived moments ago, and Frat Boy's
> voice had stalled her hand.  She was glad it had.  She had overheard
> enough to be disturbed.  Behind the door, the two men's voices decreased
> to a conspriatorial whisper.  SStO muttered to herself, "Those two are
> up to no good."

I love well-written SStO.

>         Frat Boy whispered an aside, "This stuff won't affect men, right?"
>         "You want me to smack you?  Hell no," replied Master Blaster.

This is especially interesting given later developments with Frat Boy.

>         Suzy Sorority piped up.  "We need to thank Special Bonding Boy later,
> too.  After all, it was his 'essence' that got substituted for Master
> Blaster's.

I need to write a really good Special Bonding Boy story sometime after I'm 
finished with the PC Person arc in The Core LNH.

> Culinary Disasters Seven: La disaster de Culinaire.
> By Mistlock.

YAY Mistlock

>         " What is food to one, is to others bitter poison."
>                                -- Lucretius, _De Rerum Natura_, bk.IV

Nice. X3

>         " Of course you can't find the relish. You keep the relish in the
> refridgerator!" yelled Paytan across the kitchen.
>         " I do not! Relish goes in the pantry, right next to the milk!"
>         " Brittany - "
>         " Weirdness Girl."
>         " Brittany."
>         " Weirdness Girl."
>         " Brittany!"
>         " Weirdness Girl!"
>         " Guys, is the roast supposed to be at 150 degrees?"
>         " AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

This is some seriously great banter. (Also, I have always loved Weirdness Girl 
SO MUCH.)

>         " I have LEARNED that one of the members of your little 'clique'
> summons DEMONIC ENTITIES! If she does not want to LOSE her ETERNAL SOUL
> she must SAVED, unlike that infernal Demon B - "
>
>         " Do YOU belive that BINKY is a COSMIC POWER, and that if we do
> not keep his altar really SPIFFY, he will DESTROY the world every
> fortnight or so?"
>
>         " You worship FALSE IDOLS! Is there no sense of GOODNESS left in
> this world? You are all SINNERS - "
>
>         WHANG!
>
>         " Heathen," muttered Brittany, and withdrew back into the
> kitchen, broccoli pan in hand.

Live by the sword, get bonked by the sword

>         " Yaaaaaagh! Ack! ack! ack!" Brit threw herself forwards, trying
> desperately to catch the small white ovoids even now flying towards her.
> She managed to get most of them.
>
>         " You figure out something to do with them," said Paytan,
> disapearing into the fridge," and I'll find the relish." Brit looked
> doubtfully at the surviving eggs, then shrugged and sat down at the table
> with them.
>
>         " Anybody seen the markers?"

ADORABLE

> But everybody got a souvenir egg, hard-boiled and
> and colored to match that particular hero's costuming color and design
> choice. Even Self-Righteous Preacher, who glared at Brittany across the
> counter as she was handing them out.

D'awwwww

>         They never did find the frozen peas.
>
>         Well, Brit put out an APB on them, but nobody seemed to pay much
> attention....
>
>         To this day, no one knows where they went.

This one's just fun. XD

> In response to the movement, a window opened in the air, of the
> Ditko-esque "tunnel to infinity" variety.

oooooh ahhhhh

> The one known only (or mostly) as Ultimate Ninja was performing one
> of his many Obscure Oriental Arts.  There were so many of them that
> he had to schedule his administrative work into the break periods
> between the different Arts.

Heeheehee

> This particular Obscure Art was the folding of paper in such a way
> that tremendous energy would be released at a predetermined time.
> The shapes were peculiarly like flowers, which allowed another
> Obscure Art to be practiced at the same time: Ninja Flower Arrangement.
> Any number of extraordinarily painful deaths could be delivered
> by messenger.  In this exercise, the explosive paper flowers would be
> made into a lovely bouquet, scented with an extract of lotus that
> was elegantly sensual and (when driven into flesh by the force of
> the detonating paper) the cause of an inevitable, but painless, death.

I LOVE IT. :D This is exactly the kind of thing Ultimate Ninja should be able to do.

> a warm breeze
> washed thru the room.  Hearing and seeing nothing, the Master of
> Instant Devastation came to the correct conclusion.
>
> "Incendiary, why have you come into my office?"

Also very appropriately UN.

> "I've been ordered to report to the cafeteria for kitchen duty."
>
> "Well, then, you'd better report.  It's almost dinner time."

I really love Casually Calm UN.

> The ninja was annoyed.  "I know you're intangible, Incendiary.
> That's no excuse for shirking your duty.  You're a creative
> being, so be creative.  Now go make dinner."

He's fun.

> "If something can go wrong, it will and at the worst possible time and
> place." - Murphy's Law.
>
> "Murphy was an optimist." - ?

I've seen that attributed to *several* sources.

> a mysterious person,
> who has promised to exposit the reasons for this whole storyline. Ha!
> And if you believe that...)

Heeheehee

>         "FRANK!" yelled everybody in surprise (and pain at the cliche).
>         "Yes, it is I, Frank! I, your brother!

So, specifically, at this point, I misremembered Syncity pointing out that he 
called himself Frank instead of Sincerity, pointing out how he'd been using his 
sincerity ability to manipulate people without anyone realizing. I guess that's 
low-key implied in this version, but it's funny how twenty-years-ago me just 
kind of glommed onto the interesting ideas underlying stories, and built 
memories over the years that reflected those ideas.

>         "Valhal, a beautiful paradise, full of plants and happy people."
>         [The next picture showed a cross-section of a mine.]
>         "And full of lots and lots of valuable minerals.

Who's he going to sell them to? The cosmology of Valhal fascinates me more and more.

>         [Slide of Bad-Timing Boy.]
>         "I'd intended to reveal the fact that he was not in fact the
> source of our troubles once you returned, making you so upset at killing
> an innocent man that you would immediately leave Valhal.

That's a pretty reasonable manipulation.

>         "What about us?" asked Practical Girl.
>         Frank looked guilty.
>         Emotive Lass spoke up suddenly, "You're going to kill us too
> aren't you?"
>         "Yes." admitted Frank, "But it will be painless... really!"
>         "Painless in what sense?" asked Syncity.
>         "Painless as in less than what the other two will go through."
> said Frank,

Heeheeheehee. What a jerk.

>         "Look," said Practical Girl, "these bonds are made of Teflail!"
>         "Teflail!" gasped Syncity, "The one thing I can't teleport through!"
>         "What a corny plot element." said Cheesecake Eater Lad.

Heeheehee

>         Cheesecake Eater Lad concentrated and cheesecakes flew from his
> wrist attachments to spatter against the knives, gumming them up and
> gaining the heros a few moments in which to breathe. Concentrating with
> all his might he formed a gravel and concrete cheesecake and fired it. It
> bounced off the wall, off Syncity's leg, off Brad's elbow, off Emotive
> Lass's head, off Practical Girl's toolbelt and into the lever controlling
> the Whirling Machine'O'Death, which gradually slowed to a halt, the
> knives slowed and gradually stopped, handily close enough so that the
> heros could use them to cut the ropes. Nothin' but net.

I LOVE THIS. :D :D :D I love any solution that involves C-EL making an 
improbable kind of cheesecake.

>         "Oh for goodness sake, get on with it. There's no point in haranguing
> us
> when we're all ready to battle." snapped Practical Girl, "Why don't you just
> record the speech and play it back to all the heros, that way you could get
> on with something else, saving time."
>         "Erk," Frank fell to his knees.

That's a good power.

>         "Oh now look what you've done Billy, you've hurt his feelings."
> Emotive Girl knelt down next to him; "I understand how difficult it is
> for you." she crooned softly, putting her hand reassuringly on the
> villain's shoulder, "You've worked _so_ hard and now it's time for the
> culmination of all your efforts, you're probably nervous and yet
> expectant." she sighed, "I think that's wonderful."

I kind of want to bring her back. XD She's genuinely enjoying his enjoyment of 
this, even when it's super destructive. That's Interesting.

>         Time after time the heros repulsed the minions of Frank,
> Cheesecake Eater Lad's spinach, broccoli, and brussel sprout cheesecake
> was particularly good at repulsing them.

heeheehee

>         "Relax," counselled Emotive Lass, "Take a deep breath, counter
> your fears with some Tai Chi and owwwwww!" A henchman hit her across the
> face. "You.. you.. _hit_ me! Right, that does it! NO PRISONERS!" Grabbing
> a handy henchman, Emotive Lass swung him round her head a few times and
> charged the rest of the thugs. The heros stared after her, the sad sight
> of an emotive counsellor pushed too far.

heeheeheehee

>         Sincerely, thought Brad, you mean Sincerity! Your real name, and
> evidentally, like the girl's, your real power as well.

Aha! Okay, here's where that comes up.

>         "Put aside your cheesecake CELad," Frank was saying, "You won't
> be harmed. What's going on over there? NO!" The sincerity broken,

And it's done~

>         Meanwhile, Synchronicity and Brad were engaged in a slow motion
> wrestle, their hands were glowing red and their teeth were clenched as
> they reached for the shattered remains of their powers. Finding them,
> they checked they were all there, catalogued them, and put them into
> alphabetical order, then the nature of their powers fused, rejected, and
> finally healed in a cataclysmical explosion that shook everybody in the
> room to their very cores.
>         (Wow, I'm very impressed.) Thank you.

Heeheeheehee. X3 TBH I somehow love this description. I guess it just kind of - 
includes everything I'd want, just, stripped down.

>         Their swords met again and again as they dueled over the bodies
> of the heros. Ringing, chiming, in a manner only Badger could do justice
> to because he knows the names of these moves and swords and I don't, but
> nevertheless, it was pretty damn impressive.

X3 <3

> Suddenly
> he became aware of the fact that a huge group of LNHers had accumulated
> and was staring at the small group. "What's going on?"
>         "CHEESECAKE EATER LAD IS BAAAAAACK!!! WE WANT FOOOOOOOOOOD!!" the
> starved and crazed LNHers overran Good-Timing Girl and Bad-Timing Boy in
> their rush to be near the master of cheesecake.

Heeheehee.

>         "Evidentally not cheesecake." replied Bad-Timing Boy. "Well, I
> guess this is goodbye."
>         "Yup, till next time anyway." smiled Good-Timing Girl, "Take
> care." With that, she teleported away.

I'd be happy if she came back. :>

>         "Hey! I heard that Cheesecake Eater Lad is back." the boy said.
>         "Yup he is. Hey, look what I got." Bad-Timing Boy held up the
> gift from the Sorcerix proudly. Tad's eyes widened.
>         "A STUFFED KIWI! You FIEND! Kiwi squad, form up!"
>         "KI-WI KI-WI!"
>         "ARGH!"
>
> Things were definately back to normal.

Awwwwwwww. <3

> Everyone else was Public Domain, in the event that anyone ever wants to
> use Syncity, Valhal and the rest of that lot, just let me know. I'm not
> going to bother sticking them in the roster. Consider them one-offs
> (unless there is a demand for them, which I doubt).

Oooooh. So that means I totally could write a Good-Timing Girl story. >#> Or an 
Emotive Lass one...

> Also thanks to Neil Gaiman, for the Angela miniseries that inspired this
> story.

Oooooh. :o Fascinating. I wonder how. <3

Drew "critically acclaimed creators working in early Image was consistently 
fascinating" Perron