LNH: Another LNH Title? Really: FCBD Special (warning: long)

[Drew Perron]

On 5/6/2017 11:59 PM, Adrian McClure wrote:
> ANOTHER LNH TITLE? REALLY?
> FREE COMIC BOOK DAY SPECIAL: "Diamond is Pretty Breakable Actually"

Oh god. XD This is going to be amazing

> In the lobby of the LNHQ (the Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters, which
> the more pedantically minded types style the LNHHQ)

I used to be more LNHHQ, but I turned to the LNHQ side eventually, after I 
realized how much I like overlapping-letter-abbreviations.

> Kyoko Ishikawa, the team's long-suffering receptionist

I like how she's just *The* Receptionist nowadays. X3 We all want to use her

> The headline read "Nick Spencer
> Breaks Record for Deepest Hole Dug, Reaches Hell, 'Wait Until I'm Done
> to Judge' He Says."

BWAHAHAHA XD

> Fearless Leader looked around shiftily. "Er, it's a nice day! I'm
> certainly not planning to betray the LNH. Hahaha!"

This is already amazing.

> "Uh, OK, sure." Kyoko rolled her eyes, wondering if this was the real
> him who'd been brainwashed or an evil duplicate or someone from one of
> those evil LNH universes (there were 17 of them at the last count) or
> what.

Heeheehee

> "Kyoko here," she said into the intercom, "we have a code x-69.
> Repeat, code x-69." That was the code for when one of the LNH was
> brainwashed, replaced by a clone or generally Not Themself. There were
> a number of false positives where it had turned out they were actually
> planning a surprise party, but it never hurt to be sure.

Ahhhhhhh, this is SO LNH :D In all the great ways - metafiction that fits 
in-character and contributes to both humor and the plot

> "It's him," said Sister State-the-Obvious. "He's the traitor."
>
> "No I'm not!" said Fearless Leader. "The real traitor is over there.
> See?" Cliche Dude looked where he pointed and Fearless Leader felled
> him with a zap from his ray gun. He smirked. "Works every time."

pfffft

> Embedded in his brain was a diamond.
> "Honestly," he said, "I have no idea what this is."
<snip>
> "Yes. Diamond Comics Distributors. The antiquated, inflexible,
> monopolistic distribution system that holds comics in a stranglehold!

oh my god OH MY GOD YOU WENT THERE :D THIS IS PERFECT I LOVE THIS

> Presumably they're trying to drive reader engagement of LNH with
> traitor storylines and awful plot twists because it threatens their
> monopoly of control over superhero material."

heeheeheehee yes good

> "To save Fearless Leader, we must travel to Hell itself to face the
> Lord of the Diamond."

oooooh :D Fun

> "Okay," said Cat. "So who've we got who's capable of taking down a demon?"
>
> Merissa rushed into the lab. "Hey guys! What did I miss?"

!!! YES GOOD. X3 Perfect timing, and the perfect character.

> Merissa was new to the LNH, and a bit complicated, in a number of
> ways. She'd been an offspring of a malevolent living computer
> virus--the Vector--whose mind was patterned on one of the world's
> greatest heroes, Captain LNH (who of course had existed before there
> was an LNH). She had been an enemy of the LNH but chosen to transcend
> her mold, become the embodiment of everything that was good about
> "Mary Sue" type power fantasies, not only to free herself but all the
> world.

Girl Power: The Character

> She'd become kind of a
> project for Cat, who was helping her integrate into the LNH without
> overwhelming them with her force of personality and giant gun.

Oh, man, I know that feel. X3

> "Merissa," said Cat, "I'm putting you in charge of this mission. I
> figure it's about time."

Fascinating.

> "Well..." she tapped her chin. "You, Token Girl, WikiBoy, Painful Pun
> Person, Horrible Name Lad, and Kid Occultism Kid."
>
> "Wait, are you sure it's a good idea to send some of the youngest and
> most inexperienced LNHers against a cosmic force of utter evil?" said
> Dr. Stomper.
>
> "Sure it is!" said Merissa. "Haven't you read any YA?"

X3 Perfect

> "Hey guys!" said Horrible Name Lad, "we're going to Hell!"

XD XD XD I love him. I love his misplaced enthusiasm

> Occultism Kid led them to an unassuming broom closet. Within lay the
> techno-mystical door to Hell, created in collaboration between
> Occultism Kid and Dr. Stomper, which some called the Helleporter.

Heeheehee

> "Wait," said Painful Pun Person, "you have a door to Hell? In a broom closet?"
> "No one will look for it there," said Doctor Stomper. "It should be
> fine, as long as we keep Bad-Timing Boy away from it. Or
> Recklessly-Opens-Forbidden-Doors Lass."

Oh my god. XD XD XD This is perfect and I love it.

>
> Occultism Kid opened the door within the broom closet, revealing a
> howling vortex of flame and energy.
>
> "IS THAT A DOOR TO HELL?" said CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE, passing by.
 >
> "No," said Occultism Kid.
>
> "OKAY."

*whispered* amazing

> "Yes, yes, I know," said Kid Occultism Kid. "I've read all the
> strategy guides." (They'd been a world-famous speedrunner from Tibet
> in their former life, and now used the same tricks they'd used to get
> faster through video games to manipulate reality.)

Oh wow, that works perfectly :D

> They pulled out a
> book from their capacious pockets (standard issue with an arcanist's
> trenchcoat) called "Totally Unauthorized Hardcore Mage's Guide to Hell
> (tm) by Pope Sylvester II--Underground Secrets from the Vatican's
> Basement You Can't Get Anywhere Else" which showed the aforementioned
> medieval necromantic Pope in a trenchcoat throwing up metal hand
> signs.

OH MY GOD YOU INCLUDED BRADY

> "This is the Christian Hell, right?" said Kid Occultism Kid.
>
> "It's superhero comic Hell, which means it's several different
> contradictory ideas about the mostly Christian version of Hell after a
> game of telephone," said Occultism Kid.

Exactly :D

> Between the 73rd (endless hold music) and 74th (same as Earth but
> everyone is photoshopped by Greg Land) levels of Hell

oh my god. Every single throwaway joke in this is--

>made (of course) out of diamond.

YES :D

> A portal opened in the diamond walls (everything in the Diamond
> Citadel is made out of diamond. Including the couches. It's kind of
> uncomfortable, but then again, this is Hell)

I mean fair, "kind of uncomfortable" is as good as you get

> "Maybe so," said Kid Occultism Kid, "but metaphysical afterlife realms
> are my specialty. My name is Kid Occultism Kid, you may recall. That's
> what I'm about as a characters."
>
> "Yeah, but I'm the best at whatever I do," said Merissa. "That's what
> *I'm* about as a character."
>
> "You're the best at whatever role there isn't a character with a
> pre-existing specialty to fill," said Kid Occultism Kid. "Otherwise
> there's not much point in having any of those characters around, is
> there?"
>
> "Sorry, but I'm still the best, that's the rules," said Merissa.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

> "Hold it!" said Painful Pun Person, stepping between them. "Guys,
> you're *both* the best at what you do. So maybe it'd work better if
> you split up and you each led one team." Cat nodded approvingly.

An excellent point

> One group should go to face the
> Lord of the Diamond and distract him, while the other will go to
> destroy the heart of Diamond Comics Distributor's power and evil--the
> Diamond Diamond!"

PERFECT. :D :D :D

> "That's an OK plan. Sure, fine," said Merissa. By the standards of
> things she usually said about Kid Occultism Kid's plans, that was a
> stunning complement.

This is a good dynamic building up. :D

> "Oooh, robot minions!" she said.
>
> "Not demons?" said Token Girl. "Huh."
>
> "They could be robot demons, I guess," said WikiBoy, the LNHer Anyone
> Can Edit. "I think I was one once."

Here on level five of Robot Helllll~!

> "OK," said Merissa. "WikiBoy, do you think you can turn into a diamond
> demon robot who also has the power to disguise us as diamond demon
> robots?"
>
> "I guess so," he said.

Aw, she's asking. :>

> She looked at the round objects contained
> within--not coins, but... "Pogs? What a ripoff."
>
> "Hey, be fair now," said Cat. "Pogs were important to saving the
> comics industry, after the great market crash when comic shops needed
> something to sell. That's part of why collectible card games got big
> too..."

Part of Our History

> It was none
> other than the Demon Lord of the Diamond Citadel, the head of Diamond
> Comics Distributions, Steve Diamond, which is totally his actual name.

Heeheehee

> He was dressed exactly like Prince Demande from Sailor Moon.

OF COURSE XD What an asshole

> "Gumbo crawdad! Dis is totally how Cajuns talk, no?"

Heeheehee

> "What are you doing to my pogs!" screeched Steve Diamond.
>
> "Blowing them up," said Token Girl, who peppered him with shots from
> her slingshot.
>
> "Hey, this is the second time pogs have saved comics!" said Cat.

BWAHAHA X3 <3 <3 <3

> "If you don't want
> to fight with WikiGambit, dere's much more fun ways to spend our time,
> eh?" He winked at Steve Diamond, who just stared, confused.

oh my god XD It's creepy when Real Gambit does it but it's *hilarious* here

> "ENOUGH!" Steve Diamond waved his arm, sending his cape swooshing
> behind him, and everyone froze in place. "This writer really likes
> that maneuver, huh?" said Token Girl.

Imperial battleship! Stop the flow of time!

> "Oh I'm sure it's a perfectly good plan," said Cat. She giggled and
> winked at him, and he seemed to react to that wink much more favorably
> than WikiGambit's. Token Girl could be heard muttering something about
> basic straight boy demon lords.

pfffffft

> I shall erase comics from existence, and replace them with something I
> can more easily control!"
 >
> "You what?" said Token Girl. "How the hell are you doing that?"
>
> He snapped his fingers and the wall fell away revealing a bomb (made
> of diamond, of course) and a time portal which seemed to point back to
> the dingy cityscape of 1930s New York. "I will send this bomb back in
> time to kill Maxwell Gaines, the publisher of the first ever comic
> book!"

Oh my god. XD This is amazing and I love it and I love Free Comic Book Day

> "You represent the passion, the imagination, the creativity of comics
> fans--and all that is hateful to me, for I cannot market and control
> it. As long as you exist, there are a small number of people who care
> about superheroes for their own sake, beyond the latest event or
> publicity grab. Maybe just three or four, but that is still too many.
> That passion is useless to me, so I will destroy it!"

Yesssssss :D :D :D

> Catalyst Lass was using her powers to her fullest extent--the ability
> to get others to share her interests and enthusiasm. Here in Hell she
> shone with a warm glow that outshone the ghastly pseudo-light that
> pervaded the Diamond Citadel. Somewhere in its depths it trembled.
> Steve Diamond could feel his heart about to growing three sizes--and
> he hated that. "Enough!" he said.

Aaaaaaa, that's so incredibly Cat, I love her

> "Sure," said Merissa. "I guess you're supposed to fight a fiddle duel
> in situations like this, right? Well, I'm gonna do something more
> awesome than that." She pushed one of the seemingly endless buttons on
> her BIGGUN and it morphed into a giant electric guitar.

Heeheehee :3 Yes good yes good

> "Oh boy," whispered Token Girl. "Has she done that before?"
>
> "No," said Cat."
>
> "Does anyone know what it does?"
>
> "No."
 >
> "Anyone got any ear plugs?"

X3

> Steve Diamond whipped out a guitar made of diamond (everyone was a
> little sick of that by this point).

*cackles*

> The vibrations of
> the songs echoes throughout Hell. Demons stopped their tortures of the
> damned and began to do air guitar. Sisyphus saw his boulder crack in
> half and stood in place, wondering what he was supposed to do with his
> life now.

Bwahahaha. XD

> "But do you think they're going to to destroy the fabric of reality?"
 >
> "I mean, probably," said Cat. "I hope the other team has a good plan."
 >
> "What? You want some flan?" said Token Girl.

X3 X3 X3 I love that gag

> "Hmmm," said Horrible Name Lad. "So what's the name of our group, anyway?"
 >
> "What group?" said Painful Pun Person.
 >
> "You know, the younger LNHers. Us plus Merissa and Poignant Death Lass
> and whoever else comes along. So would we be Generation ZZ? Or wait, I
> got it--The L-Terminators!"

Oh my god. XD Is Footnote Girl in there? How about Fairy Princess Lad?

> "See, that's the easy part. I'm an old hand at this." Kid Occultism
> Kid raised their hands in a mystical hand gesture. "Spawnus
> Airboaticus!"
 >
> "Uh, I'm pretty sure that's not actual Latin," said Horrible Name Lad.

It's Harry Potter Latin, which in a context like this is *more* effective

> "Oh hey, it's some Spiky Shiny Loser Bots," said Horrible Name Lad,
> but the creatures didn't have enough ego for it to make any
> difference. "Dang it."

Heeheehee

> "Impressive." Kid Occultism Kid smiled. "But we're not out of the woods yet."
 >
> "We're not in the woods yet, we're in a diamond!" said Horrible Name Lad.

X3 Again, I love him

> "So how are we going to get to that?" said Painful Pun Person.
 >
> "Well," said Kid Occultism Kid, "I have an ingenious plan--"
>
> The shielding around the central chamber suddenly disappeared in a
> burst of warm light. (This was when Cat was giving her speech.)
>
> "Oh." said Kid Occultism Kid.
>
> "Aww, don't worry," said Painful Pun Person. "I'm sure you'll get a
> chance to use that plan later..."

Heeheehee :3 Another classic gag

> They each found themselves imagining walls upon wall fulls of comics
> sealed away in their CGC-graded slabs, beholden only to them. All that
> would be theirs if they took the diamond for their own. None of them
> wanted that, but they couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't turn
> away...
>
> "More like the Overpriced Hunk of Useless Carbon!" said Horrible Name
> Lad. Its influence faded away and the three of them blinked, as if
> they'd woken from a dream.

NICE. <3 <3 <3 He's so rad and sweet and Yeah

> "Merissa, I'll warrant," said Kid Occultism Kid. "All right. The
> Diamond Diamond is vulnerable now. Let's hit it with everything we've
> got!" She spawned another airboat, charged with the utmost of her
> eldritch might.
>
> "Well," said Painful Pun Person, raising her imaginary sunglasses,
> "looks like it's time to... polish off this diamond!"
>
> The pun and the airboat hit the diamond at the same time, causing it to shatter.

I'm imagining a cool special effect of the two streaking towards it and KABLAM

> "You'd think," said Painful Pun Person, "that a net would be easy for
> a member of the Legion of Ne--"
 >
> "This isn't the time!" said Kid Occultism Kid.

Heeheeheehee :3

> A harsh blue aura with red edges emerged around Kid Occultism Kid's
> body, joining with Merissa's intense red with blue edges.

ooooooh. Mystical. :o They're not ultimately so different

> "Yeah!" said Merissa. "We were the coolest, in fact." She turned to
> Kid Occultism Kid. "You're not so bad."
 >
> "One might say the same about you." She raised her fist, and Merissa
> slowly bumped it. Then they went back to glaring at each other.

D'awwww.

> "OK, looks like we're done now..." said Token Girl. Then the net exploded.

Heeheehee X3

> Fearless Leader was fine, at
> least--the diamond had dissolved and didn't seem to have any
> aftereffects.

Yaaaaay

> Poignant Death Lass was visiting her teammates in the infirmary. She'd
> had been off on a mission (IE the writer had wanted to use her but
> couldn't think of a way to do it... maybe next time).
>
> "I could sense your souls in the depths of Hell!" she said. "I'd been
> afraid you were dead. Thank god you're alive."

Awwwww. :> That makes sense.

> Poignant Death Lass sighed inwardly. .o(I'm glad she's alive), she
> thought. .o(After losing my old teammates, I could never bear
> something like that again--especially with her. She's so bright, so
> kind... so beautiful...)

oooooh :3

> Meanwhile, Horrible Name Lad was gazing at her from the next bed.
> .o(Gosh, Poignant Death Lass is cute), he thought. .o(I just don't
> know how to tell her how I feel. Every time I try to say something
> like that, it comes out wrong...)

awwwww <3 I suppose--

> Still, I did enjoy
> working with them. Even Merissa. Even Horrible Name Lad. There's
> something that's sweet and genuine about him, something strangely
> appealing...)

Ooooh. :3 Fascinating.

> .o(Ugh), thought Merissa. .o(I feel like everyone's having all these
> crushes. I hate those. I could use something to blow up...)

Oh, Merissa. X3

> Meanwhile, Catalyst Lass sat beside her desk, flipping through a
> romance novel--The Demon Billionaire's Clone Bride. "It's great to
> think about all these new heroes," she said. "They have so many
> potential. They're going to form all these new relationships... it's
> so exciting!"

Heeheehee. I love her. :3

> Cat shook her head. "Haha, no. Of course not. You know me--always a
> bridesmaid, never a bride. I mean, I like reading about relationships,
> I like helping other people get into relationships... I'd like one
> myself, someday, maybe, but I have no idea what that'd look like for
> me. Right now I'm fine how I am. How about you?"

Fascinating. I get definite queer vibes, but like... maybe ace-spectrum?

I could try getting back together with Sarcastic Lad
> again... or I could watch more Supernatural. It's the same either
> way--an endless cycle of wasted hope, frustration, and banging my head
> against the wall."

Aw. XD

> "If you're after someone, I'm right here," said WikiGambit, poking his
> head out from behind the desk. "How'd you like a taste of de gumbo?"
> said WikiGambit.
>
> "Ugh, that's enough Gambiting." Token Girl snapped her fingers and
> WikiBoy reverted, then blushed intensely and ran out of the room.

Pfffff. X3

> "Yeah," said Token Girl. "That's kind of the problem. Anyway, speaking
> of frustrating things--comics, huh. That speech you gave is pretty
> great, but when I got back, I started thinking about all that Secret
> Empire crap again. Sometimes I wonder... Maybe it would have been
> better if we *hadn't* saved comics."
>
> "Nah," said Catalyst Lass. "Comics are awful and frustrating
> sometimes, but they're great, too, and they've brought a lot of great
> things into the world. And we're a testament to that. That's what
> powers the LNH--the energy of the people who care about comics. The
> joy and wonder and the frustration too. We take that and make it into
> something amazing, and I'm thankful for that."

Awwwwww. We really do. :>

> SHe looked out past the
> fourth wall and winked. "And a merry free comic book day to you at
> home!"

Heeheehee X3 Perfect. <3 <3 <3

> Good lord. I thought up the basic outline for this story last night,
> and had no idea it would turn out to be this long. I only just managed
> to post it on the day. That's why this story might be a bit rough.

It's extremely messy and amazing. :3

> The infamous Portal airboat speedrun that inspired Kid Occultism Kid's
> approach to magic here:
> https://www.reddit.com/r/speedrun/comments/69bayz/portal_done_in_0_portals_and_lots_of_airboats_in/

Yessss.

> Painful Pun Person, Kid Occultism Kid, and Steve Diamond: Me (Steve
> Diamond is free for use if someone wants him for some ungodly reason)

I could see using Steve Diamond in the future. X3

> Nick Spencer: really needs to stop

XD

> Well, now he'd have to content himself with
> the fact that the LNH would have to deal with the power they'd
> unleashed from the heart of the Diamond.... [See future issues of The
> Liminals--ed.]

Parallax? That's extremely Diamond Age

> "Hi," said Nick Spencer, still digging his hole.
>
> Steve Diamond blinked. "What are you doing here? Haven't you dug deep enough?"
>
> Nick Spencer's eyes were bloodshot. "Th-this is my hole!" He shook his
> fist. "This hole is made for me!"

oh my god. XD XD XD

> Steve Diamond sighed and walked off into the endless abyssal darkness.

Drew "SO MANY REFERENCES" Perron