REPOST: RAC Challenge! #15
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Nov 10 15:54:43 PST 2015
Chapter by Matt"Badger" Rossi.
This is my personal favorite chapter, although
I imagine that if you weren't reading RACC
back in 1995 most of the injokes here will
just puzzle you..
Badger wrote a number of series for a number of
RACC imprints like Omega, Crossroads, Patrol, ASH,
and the LNH..
From: franke at ucs.indiana.edu (Jerry L Franke)
Subject: REPOST: RAC Challenge! Ch. 15
Date: 15 Nov 1995 20:21:39 GMT
Continuing the Challenge! recap...
Narcoleptic Dogs Press Presents...
Chapter 15: Don't Be A PRICK
by Matthew W Rossi III
title by Chad "Please don't hurt me" Imbrogno, whose pleas for Mercy
will be in vain...heh.
Already in love
Already in love
Already in love
Already in love
Who made up the myth
That we were born to be covered in Bliss
(Pearl Jam, Satan's Bed)
It was in the Omega FAQ when it first came out.
"Matthew W Rossi III (mr.9767 at acc.rwu.edu) just wants you to know that
his comics Pulse and Tempest are literally autobiographic."
He walked down the streets of his home town, Providence. He wore
mirrored sunglasses, of course, to cover his eyes. He didn't need
anyone to see them and give the game away, of course. He was a moody
young man with black hair and wearing a rather worn leather jacket.
He'd recently been dumped by two different women in one month.
So when the bullet from the gun of Dirk Darringer smashed his glasses
off of his face, revealing his glowing multi-colored eyes, he was more
than a little pissed off already.
His senses zeroed in on Dirk. He smiled the smile of the well and
truly pissed off. Black metal flowed out of nowhere, covering him in a
malevolent mass of spikes, blades and edges.
"Oh, you are gonna be sorry!"
Dirk was confused (And more than a little drunk) as to what had just
happened. He'd pulled the trigger at Bob's request, there had been a
flash as the muzzle had discharged...and then the kid had taken the
bullet to the face with no more than mild annoyance.
"I don' geddit."
Bob, meanwhile, looked equally concerned. "He should have been..."
They looked up. Floating above them was a serrated, spiked, extemely
badass looking dude in metallic black armor.
[MY NAME IS MATTHEW W ROSSI III. I AM HERE TO KICK ASS AND SPOUT ALL
CAPS DIALOGUE...AND MY SHIFT KEY IS ALL USED UP.]
The black armored form tore into 'Bob' with a speed and power that the
inebrieated Dirk couldn't even follow. The yelps, screeches, moans and
whimpers for mercy were not heeded. Soon, the whirlwind of chaos
ended, and a naked and badly bruised form fell to the ground at Dirk's
IMBROGNO. IT FIGURES. DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TEACH YOU, CHAD...DON'T BE A
Having gotten the title out of the way, the black armored figure
turned to face the former Paragon, the ultimate man.
"Pretty brave...hic...beatin' on a guy wit no powahs."
[OKAY, YOU WANT POWERS? HERE YA GO.]
With a wave of his hand, Rossi caused Dirk's Paragon costume to
re-appear on him. He felt a wave of his ultimate powers come washing
"I...I feel reborn! Henceforth, I shall use my Ultimate Powers to
vigilantly stand triumphant over all evil, and..."
A black fist smashed into Dirk, who smashed backward into the Fleet
Bank Tower and through it, out over Narragansett Bay, and eventually
over the Atlantic Ocean. Which he then smashed into.
[ARROGANT SOB. NOW, DIDN'T SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING WITH GOD A FEW ISSUES
BACK IN THIS STORY?]
His glowing eyes burned with multi-chromatic fire. Isn't it odd the
way everything does that around Rossi? I mean, this is one
melodramatic bugger. Anyway, he smiled as he found Kier's story.
[I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THIS.]
He vanished in a flash of light, leaving 'Bob' in a naked, quivering,
crumpled heap on the sidewalk. Providence Mayor and former Convicted
Felon Buddy Cianci stepped over his body on the way to City Hall.
Then, a cab pulled up. Out of it stepped a seven foot tall man and
Mary Lou Retina. They walked up to 'Bob'.
"Damn!" Jack Armington, the Dragonslayer, shouted as he looked down at
the crumpled heap of his greatest nemesis. "It's that bastard
"How do you know this guy?" Mary Lou asked.
"Do you feel anything different about this place, Mary Lou?"
"Well, now that you mention it...things feel kind of spooky. Almost as
if I was being watched by menacing forces just lurking in the darkness
to pounce on me and dissect me to discover the secrets of my powers."
Just then a large man with four arms and red skin bumped into her from
behind. "Hey, watch where you're going!"
"Sorry...have any of you seen a big, six armed female robot patterned
after a Hindu Goddess?"
"No." Said Armington. "We're kind of busy right now. Couldn't you just
get back to Rig Veda where you belong?"
"Terribly sorry." The four armed being walked around the corner.
Dragonslayer looked down at Imbrogno's quivering form. "I guess we'd
better take him with us. And then I'll explain...The Omega Sanction."
Mary Lou looked around. "Where'd that spooky music come from? And who
are all those guys wearing sunglasses watching me?"
"Former Dynamax employees. They're probably just stalking us so they
can stay in top form should some evil corporation begin hiring."
**** Hmm...What's going on in the storyline? **** Asked the deluded
being that thought it was God. It had been ruminating in the realms
beyond on existence when suddenly, the black armored Rossi appeared.
**** Who dares address the supreme...**** That's about as far as it
got before the Rossi figure pasted it one in the jaw, knocking it to
the 'ground' in this otherrealm. **** OUCH! Hey, that hurt! ****
[OF COURSE IT HURT, YOU IDIOT. DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WERE GOD? IN
THIS STORYLINE? WHAT KIND OF A CHUMP ARE YOU, ANYWAY? YOU PROBABLY
VOTED FOR ROSS PEROT!]
**** Hey, Big Government is out of control and all...wait a minute! If
I'm not God, who am I? ****
[YOU ARE THOSE IDIOTS TITO AND TINA, REMEMBER? YOU GOT A DOSE OF
COSMIC POWER, AND LET IT GO TO YOUR HEADS. I KNOW...I HAD THE SAME
PROBLEM WHEN _I_ GOT ULTIMATE POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
STOMP YOU NOW.] Rossi advanced on the Tito/Tina being, who responded
by trying to will him into a slug. Which didn't work.
**** How is this possible? I can do ANYTHING! ****
[FRAID NOT.] A blast of power flung the gestalt being back, and the
armored figure leapt at it, grabbing each hand of the radiance. [MAKE
**** No! PLEASE! ****
The black form yanked. With a sizzling burst of light, the white being
popped back into the dazed forms of Tito and Tina. A hole opened up in
the fabric (Tailored especially by really precise Haberdashers from
beyond the cosmos) of this space, and Rossi tossed the Ultimate Twins
through the hole.
[OKAY. ALMOST HAVE THIS STORYLINE WRAPPED UP. LET'S SEE....PUNISH
IMBROGNO. CHECK. POUND PARAGON, YET GIVE HIM HIS POWERS BACK. CHECK.
DEAL WITH THE 'GOD' AND GET THE ULTIMATE TWINS BACK INTO THE
STORYLINE. CHECK. ANNIHILATE DR. MALEVO.]
He disappeared again. Annoying how he keeps doing that.
Jack Armington, the Dragonslayer, and Mary Lou Retina, formerly the
Ultimate Woman (Not that I was paying attention. I was originally
planning to have someone with a rather cnvoluted last name kill them
by now...but then I went and killed them all off. How silly of me.)
plopped 'Bob' into a chair in a dimly lit room somewhere in Rhode
"So, great plan, Dragonslayer!" Mary Lou sent spittle flying with her
irate words. "So what's next? How do we get this Rossi guy now?"
"It won't be easy." Countered the abandoned concept who walked like a
man. "After all, he _is_ writing this. Everything we say, everything
we do comes from him."
"Yeah, he wrote that too." Tiring of all the lame fourth wall jokes,
Armington or Armitage or whatever his pathetic name is stood and
walked to a curtain blocking off access to a doorway. "But rest
assured! Our ultimate weapon for ending Matt Rossi's reign of terror
is behind this curtain!"
"What, Keanu Reeves as Don John the bastard?"
"His intro to acting professor?"
"No, not him either! The man waiting behind this curtain is none other
than a certain...David Divad!" The curtain parted, and a man wearing a
tight red spandex outfit strode out into the room. "Are you prepared?"
"For freedom from inane plotting...Matthew Rossi must die!" A sword of
black lightning erupted from his clenched fist.
"Uh, excuse me?" Mary Lou waved her hand.
"I've read your book...are you sure you aren't just a clone?"
"Knowing Rossi...who can say?" Armington and Divad turned and began
gathering up their things. "We have to get to Dr. Malevo's lab, right
away! He's been working on a device to put Rossi down and out once and
for all, but we need to help him!"
"I'm confused." Mary Lou sat up. "Rossi had very little to do with all
that happened before, like Splurgo and so forth, but now, it almost
seems as if..."
"As if all of the entire RAC Challenge! is an elaborate ruse to
destroy Matt Rossi once and for all, a Machiavellian scheme so
breathtakingly subtle and intricate that only the entire pool of RACC
writers, angered by Rossi's hubris during the rACCIES, could have
dreamed up? That Broaddus and Franke are the ringleaders, and that all
along they've had their sights set on eliminating this scourge once
and for all?" Armington was breathing rather heavily after his
"Uh, actually, I was going to say that it seems as if this was being
written by Oliver Stone."
"No time! We must get to Malevo's lab!"
As the three of them rushed out the door, Divad paused and spoke out
loud. "I wonder what happened to Paragon and the Ultimate Twins,
The Atlantic Ocean.
An unconscious Paragon, AKA Dirk Darrenger (That's how Chad spelled
it! I call retcon!) floats in the icy waters where the great glaciers
feed into the sea. Next to him float the bodies of the Ultimate Twins,
also out cold.
That's it. I'm probably not going to use them again this issue. Take a
good look. See? There they float, heading straight for that
glacier...say, is that a guy in an army uniform frozen up in that
block of ice? With a red, white and blue costume and a shield
underneath? Naaah. Couldn't be.
The ice begins to move, surrounding them...almost as if guided by an
intelligence. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the last of them for this
Dr. Malevo's lab.
The evil one armed bandit scientist sits scheming sardonically,
saturnine schemes satanic (Enough with the alliteration!) brew that
fill his evil thoughts. He feverishly makes another connection on a
"Success!" He shouts, to no one in particular. "I have done it! I have
created, using the primitive technology availiable in this world...a
Jas Rswert! Now I can once again have all the power I crave! Power
enough to cease with continuous villanous exposition! I will rule all
the worlds there are!"
"Yes?" Blinded by triumph (Not to mention the Macauly- Schenker Group)
the madman didn't realize that his plans had come to an end. Until he
looked up at the now-familar to the reader form of a black armored,
all powerful Matt Rossi. (I gotta tell you, just as an ego boost, I
love the fact that Chad made me a character in this thing! Look at
all the havoc I'm wreaking!)
[I'M AFRAID IT'S TIME TO DIE, DR. MALEVO.]
"I can't die yet...I haven't seen Buffalo Girls! Never mind James E.
[HAVE YOU SEEN LONESOME DOVE?]
"Well, of course I have! Everybody's seen that! It proved once and for
all that Ricky Schroder is a man!"
Suddenly, in a puff of smoke, Ricky Schroeder appeared. "The name is
Rick, damn your eyes! I'm Thirty-Eight! Pay attention. MacCauly
Culkin...I am the dark specter of your future! Silver Spoons sent me
to hell...but I still have that neat model train." Oh, this is getting
out of hand. Suddenly Schroder exploded.
[THEN YOU'VE SEEN ENOUGH.] A blinding blast of red light erupted from
the armored figure. The mad scientist was reduced to ash (Look, Van
Domelen, I'll get Warden finished eventually! Cut me some slack
here!) just as Mary Lou, Armington and Divad burst into the villains
lair. They witnessed the consuming of their last chance.
"No!" Jack Armington, the Dragonslayer, shrieked. Divad manifested a
large sword. Mary Lou...well, she just turned green at the sight of
one of Dr. Malevo's feet in a huge pile of grey ash. (Look, Dave, you
don't own the word!) "You bastard! You killed him in cold blood. You
[WELL, OF COURSE I DID. HE SPOKE ALMOST ENTIRELY IN EXCLAMATIONS. I
HATE THAT.] Rossi landed, light from the fire he started and the
florescent bulbs overhead playing in scintillating patterns off of his
vicious black armor. [I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR BEEF WITH ME IS,
"You advised Imbrogno to go with...with...Covenant! I could have been
the character that Chris Gumprich fell in love with! Me! Instead, he
went with the adventures of a one armed scientist." Everyone stopped
for a moment and looked at the pile of ash. (I swear to god, Dave, I
don't need your permission to use that word. And Warden _is_ coming.)
"Do you have any idea how much that hurt?"
[COVENANT WAS THE BETTER CONCEPT. YOUR ORIGIN INVOLVED IDEAS THAT
NEEDED VERY DELICATE HANDLING...THAT WHOLE MISSION FROM GOD THING. AND
BESIDES, I READ YOUR FIRST ISSUE...IT WASN'T THAT GOOD. CHAD MADE THE
RIGHT CHOICE. TOO BAD HE LET BITTERNESS POISON HIS SOUL LIKE HE DID.]
Stopping so as to give the readers a break from the caps, Rossi
pointed one heavily spiked arm at Divad. [AND AS FOR YOU...WHAT, DID
YOU EXPECT ME TO SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE WRITING ABOUT YOU? YOU HAPPEN
TO BE A ONE TRICK PONY...HARDLY MY GREATEST CREATION.]
"Let's see you say that with a Claymore stuck up your snout." Divad
went into a classic Mandalay blade position. Armington prepared his
seven foot bulk to leap. Rossi simply looked at them from behind the
featureless black of his helmet.
[OKAY. LET'S GET STARTED WITH A WHOLE LOT OF THE OLD ULTRAVIOLENCE,
((One unimaginably violent scene of chaotic aggression later.))
Armington was now armless. Of course, his torso was missing too, so it
wasn't likely he'd miss them. Mary Lou was hiding under a dumpster,
and Divad had been beaten silly.
"Why...let...me...live?" Croaked the defeated swordsman.
[BECAUSE PUTTING YOU BACK IN YOUR HORRIBLE STORYLINE IS A FATE WORSE
THAN DEATH. SINCE ARMINGTON DIDN'T HAVE ONE, HE DIED. NOW...]
The author in black armor waved his hand, and Divad vanished. He
surveyed the carnage, and smiled underneath his featureless mask.
[MARY LOU...STAY UNDER THE DUMPSTER.]
"You got it. Nice and cozy here. Think I'll get a couch."
[I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ONE STORY. TIME TO PASS THIS MAGILLA
Ross vanished from the story in a blinding flare of white.
Will Paragon and the Twins drown or freeze in the Arctic? Is Mary Lou
going to stay under the couch? Don't ask me...I'm outta here! Ask the
next writer! Tune in next time for issue number sixteen of RAC
Challenge!, a story titled...
* Next issue: Chapter 16: "If I wasn't such an evil, evil man, I'd
give a short and pithy title that could easily be fit into the
dialogue. But I am evil, and therefore any title I'd select must
be fit to that evil. And also, it must mention cheese. Twice.
Definitely has to mention cheese twice." by Poet
Matthew W Rossi III
Jerry L. Franke franke at cs.indiana.edu
Computer Science Dept. Indiana University
formerly from Florida State University http://www.cs.fsu.edu/~franke
More information about the racc