REPOST: RAC Challenge! #15

[Arthur Spitzer]

Chapter by Matt"Badger" Rossi.

This is my personal favorite chapter, although
I imagine that if you weren't reading RACC
back in 1995 most of the injokes here will
just puzzle you..

Badger wrote a number of series for a number of
RACC imprints like Omega, Crossroads, Patrol, ASH,
and the LNH..

From: franke at ucs.indiana.edu (Jerry L Franke)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: REPOST: RAC Challenge! Ch. 15
Date: 15 Nov 1995 20:21:39 GMT

Continuing the Challenge! recap...

===========================================================================


   Narcoleptic Dogs Press Presents...
   
                                 RAC CHALLENGE
                                       
Chapter 15: Don't Be A PRICK

   by Matthew W Rossi III
   title by Chad "Please don't hurt me" Imbrogno, whose pleas for Mercy
   will be in vain...heh.
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   Already in love
   Already in love
   Already in love
   Already in love
   Who made up the myth
   That we were born to be covered in Bliss
   (Pearl Jam, Satan's Bed)
   
   It was in the Omega FAQ when it first came out.
   
   "Matthew W Rossi III (mr.9767 at acc.rwu.edu) just wants you to know that
   his comics Pulse and Tempest are literally autobiographic."
   
   He walked down the streets of his home town, Providence. He wore
   mirrored sunglasses, of course, to cover his eyes. He didn't need
   anyone to see them and give the game away, of course. He was a moody
   young man with black hair and wearing a rather worn leather jacket.
   He'd recently been dumped by two different women in one month.
   
   So when the bullet from the gun of Dirk Darringer smashed his glasses
   off of his face, revealing his glowing multi-colored eyes, he was more
   than a little pissed off already.
   
   "What the...!"
   
   His senses zeroed in on Dirk. He smiled the smile of the well and
   truly pissed off. Black metal flowed out of nowhere, covering him in a
   malevolent mass of spikes, blades and edges.
   
   "Oh, you are gonna be sorry!"
   
   
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   Dirk was confused (And more than a little drunk) as to what had just
   happened. He'd pulled the trigger at Bob's request, there had been a
   flash as the muzzle had discharged...and then the kid had taken the
   bullet to the face with no more than mild annoyance.
   
   "I don' geddit."
   
   Bob, meanwhile, looked equally concerned. "He should have been..."
   
   [EXCUSE ME.]
   
   They looked up. Floating above them was a serrated, spiked, extemely
   badass looking dude in metallic black armor.
   
   [MY NAME IS MATTHEW W ROSSI III. I AM HERE TO KICK ASS AND SPOUT ALL
   CAPS DIALOGUE...AND MY SHIFT KEY IS ALL USED UP.]
   
   The black armored form tore into 'Bob' with a speed and power that the
   inebrieated Dirk couldn't even follow. The yelps, screeches, moans and
   whimpers for mercy were not heeded. Soon, the whirlwind of chaos
   ended, and a naked and badly bruised form fell to the ground at Dirk's
   feet.
   
   IMBROGNO. IT FIGURES. DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TEACH YOU, CHAD...DON'T BE A
   PRICK.
   
   Having gotten the title out of the way, the black armored figure
   turned to face the former Paragon, the ultimate man.
   
   [YOUR TURN.]
   
   "Pretty brave...hic...beatin' on a guy wit no powahs."
   
   [OKAY, YOU WANT POWERS? HERE YA GO.]
   
   With a wave of his hand, Rossi caused Dirk's Paragon costume to
   re-appear on him. He felt a wave of his ultimate powers come washing
   over him.
   
   "I...I feel reborn! Henceforth, I shall use my Ultimate Powers to
   vigilantly stand triumphant over all evil, and..."
   
   [PARDON ME.]
   
   A black fist smashed into Dirk, who smashed backward into the Fleet
   Bank Tower and through it, out over Narragansett Bay, and eventually
   over the Atlantic Ocean. Which he then smashed into.
   
   [ARROGANT SOB. NOW, DIDN'T SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING WITH GOD A FEW ISSUES
   BACK IN THIS STORY?]
   
   His glowing eyes burned with multi-chromatic fire. Isn't it odd the
   way everything does that around Rossi? I mean, this is one
   melodramatic bugger. Anyway, he smiled as he found Kier's story.
   
   [I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THIS.]
   
   He vanished in a flash of light, leaving 'Bob' in a naked, quivering,
   crumpled heap on the sidewalk. Providence Mayor and former Convicted
   Felon Buddy Cianci stepped over his body on the way to City Hall.
   
   Then, a cab pulled up. Out of it stepped a seven foot tall man and
   Mary Lou Retina. They walked up to 'Bob'.
   
   "Damn!" Jack Armington, the Dragonslayer, shouted as he looked down at
   the crumpled heap of his greatest nemesis. "It's that bastard
   Imbrogno!"
   
   "How do you know this guy?" Mary Lou asked.
   
   "Do you feel anything different about this place, Mary Lou?"
   
   "Well, now that you mention it...things feel kind of spooky. Almost as
   if I was being watched by menacing forces just lurking in the darkness
   to pounce on me and dissect me to discover the secrets of my powers."
   Just then a large man with four arms and red skin bumped into her from
   behind. "Hey, watch where you're going!"
   
   "Sorry...have any of you seen a big, six armed female robot patterned
   after a Hindu Goddess?"
   
   "No." Said Armington. "We're kind of busy right now. Couldn't you just
   get back to Rig Veda where you belong?"
   
   "Terribly sorry." The four armed being walked around the corner.
   Dragonslayer looked down at Imbrogno's quivering form. "I guess we'd
   better take him with us. And then I'll explain...The Omega Sanction."
   
   Mary Lou looked around. "Where'd that spooky music come from? And who
   are all those guys wearing sunglasses watching me?"
   
   "Former Dynamax employees. They're probably just stalking us so they
   can stay in top form should some evil corporation begin hiring."
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   **** Hmm...What's going on in the storyline? **** Asked the deluded
   being that thought it was God. It had been ruminating in the realms
   beyond on existence when suddenly, the black armored Rossi appeared.
   
   [HEY, BOZO.]
   
   **** Who dares address the supreme...**** That's about as far as it
   got before the Rossi figure pasted it one in the jaw, knocking it to
   the 'ground' in this otherrealm. **** OUCH! Hey, that hurt! ****
   
   [OF COURSE IT HURT, YOU IDIOT. DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WERE GOD? IN
   THIS STORYLINE? WHAT KIND OF A CHUMP ARE YOU, ANYWAY? YOU PROBABLY
   VOTED FOR ROSS PEROT!]
   
   **** Hey, Big Government is out of control and all...wait a minute! If
   I'm not God, who am I? ****
   
   [YOU ARE THOSE IDIOTS TITO AND TINA, REMEMBER? YOU GOT A DOSE OF
   COSMIC POWER, AND LET IT GO TO YOUR HEADS. I KNOW...I HAD THE SAME
   PROBLEM WHEN _I_ GOT ULTIMATE POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
   STOMP YOU NOW.] Rossi advanced on the Tito/Tina being, who responded
   by trying to will him into a slug. Which didn't work.
   
   **** How is this possible? I can do ANYTHING! ****
   
   [FRAID NOT.] A blast of power flung the gestalt being back, and the
   armored figure leapt at it, grabbing each hand of the radiance. [MAKE
   A WISH...]
   
   **** No! PLEASE! ****
   
   The black form yanked. With a sizzling burst of light, the white being
   popped back into the dazed forms of Tito and Tina. A hole opened up in
   the fabric (Tailored especially by really precise Haberdashers from
   beyond the cosmos) of this space, and Rossi tossed the Ultimate Twins
   through the hole.
   
   [OKAY. ALMOST HAVE THIS STORYLINE WRAPPED UP. LET'S SEE....PUNISH
   IMBROGNO. CHECK. POUND PARAGON, YET GIVE HIM HIS POWERS BACK. CHECK.
   DEAL WITH THE 'GOD' AND GET THE ULTIMATE TWINS BACK INTO THE
   STORYLINE. CHECK. ANNIHILATE DR. MALEVO.]
   
   He disappeared again. Annoying how he keeps doing that.
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   Jack Armington, the Dragonslayer, and Mary Lou Retina, formerly the
   Ultimate Woman (Not that I was paying attention. I was originally
   planning to have someone with a rather cnvoluted last name kill them
   by now...but then I went and killed them all off. How silly of me.)
   plopped 'Bob' into a chair in a dimly lit room somewhere in Rhode
   Island.
   
   "So, great plan, Dragonslayer!" Mary Lou sent spittle flying with her
   irate words. "So what's next? How do we get this Rossi guy now?"
   
   "It won't be easy." Countered the abandoned concept who walked like a
   man. "After all, he _is_ writing this. Everything we say, everything
   we do comes from him."
   
   "Even this?"
   
   "Yep."
   
   "And this?"
   
   "Yeah, he wrote that too." Tiring of all the lame fourth wall jokes,
   Armington or Armitage or whatever his pathetic name is stood and
   walked to a curtain blocking off access to a doorway. "But rest
   assured! Our ultimate weapon for ending Matt Rossi's reign of terror
   is behind this curtain!"
   
   "What, Keanu Reeves as Don John the bastard?"
   
   "No."
   
   "His intro to acting professor?"
   
   "No, not him either! The man waiting behind this curtain is none other
   than a certain...David Divad!" The curtain parted, and a man wearing a
   tight red spandex outfit strode out into the room. "Are you prepared?"
   
   
   "For freedom from inane plotting...Matthew Rossi must die!" A sword of
   black lightning erupted from his clenched fist.
   
   "Uh, excuse me?" Mary Lou waved her hand.
   
   "What?"
   
   "I've read your book...are you sure you aren't just a clone?"
   
   "Knowing Rossi...who can say?" Armington and Divad turned and began
   gathering up their things. "We have to get to Dr. Malevo's lab, right
   away! He's been working on a device to put Rossi down and out once and
   for all, but we need to help him!"
   
   "I'm confused." Mary Lou sat up. "Rossi had very little to do with all
   that happened before, like Splurgo and so forth, but now, it almost
   seems as if..."
   
   "As if all of the entire RAC Challenge! is an elaborate ruse to
   destroy Matt Rossi once and for all, a Machiavellian scheme so
   breathtakingly subtle and intricate that only the entire pool of RACC
   writers, angered by Rossi's hubris during the rACCIES, could have
   dreamed up? That Broaddus and Franke are the ringleaders, and that all
   along they've had their sights set on eliminating this scourge once
   and for all?" Armington was breathing rather heavily after his
   outburst.
   
   "Uh, actually, I was going to say that it seems as if this was being
   written by Oliver Stone."
   
   "No time! We must get to Malevo's lab!"
   
   As the three of them rushed out the door, Divad paused and spoke out
   loud. "I wonder what happened to Paragon and the Ultimate Twins,
   anyway?"
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   The Atlantic Ocean.
   
   An unconscious Paragon, AKA Dirk Darrenger (That's how Chad spelled
   it! I call retcon!) floats in the icy waters where the great glaciers
   feed into the sea. Next to him float the bodies of the Ultimate Twins,
   also out cold.
   
   That's it. I'm probably not going to use them again this issue. Take a
   good look. See? There they float, heading straight for that
   glacier...say, is that a guy in an army uniform frozen up in that
   block of ice? With a red, white and blue costume and a shield
   underneath? Naaah. Couldn't be.
   
   The ice begins to move, surrounding them...almost as if guided by an
   intelligence. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the last of them for this
   issue.
   
   "Splurgo...hungers."
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   Dr. Malevo's lab.
   
   The evil one armed bandit scientist sits scheming sardonically,
   saturnine schemes satanic (Enough with the alliteration!) brew that
   fill his evil thoughts. He feverishly makes another connection on a
   huge machine.
   
   "Success!" He shouts, to no one in particular. "I have done it! I have
   created, using the primitive technology availiable in this world...a
   Jas Rswert! Now I can once again have all the power I crave! Power
   enough to cease with continuous villanous exposition! I will rule all
   the worlds there are!"
   
   [DR. MALEVO?]
   
   "Yes?" Blinded by triumph (Not to mention the Macauly- Schenker Group)
   the madman didn't realize that his plans had come to an end. Until he
   looked up at the now-familar to the reader form of a black armored,
   all powerful Matt Rossi. (I gotta tell you, just as an ego boost, I
   love the fact that Chad made me a character in this thing! Look at
   all the havoc I'm wreaking!)
   
   [I'M AFRAID IT'S TIME TO DIE, DR. MALEVO.]
   
   "I can't die yet...I haven't seen Buffalo Girls! Never mind James E.
   Michener's Texas!"
   
   [HAVE YOU SEEN LONESOME DOVE?]
   
   "Well, of course I have! Everybody's seen that! It proved once and for
   all that Ricky Schroder is a man!"
   
   Suddenly, in a puff of smoke, Ricky Schroeder appeared. "The name is
   Rick, damn your eyes! I'm Thirty-Eight! Pay attention. MacCauly
   Culkin...I am the dark specter of your future! Silver Spoons sent me
   to hell...but I still have that neat model train." Oh, this is getting
   out of hand. Suddenly Schroder exploded.
   
   [THEN YOU'VE SEEN ENOUGH.] A blinding blast of red light erupted from
   the armored figure. The mad scientist was reduced to ash (Look, Van
   Domelen, I'll get Warden finished eventually! Cut me some slack
   here!) just as Mary Lou, Armington and Divad burst into the villains
   lair. They witnessed the consuming of their last chance.
   
   "No!" Jack Armington, the Dragonslayer, shrieked. Divad manifested a
   large sword. Mary Lou...well, she just turned green at the sight of
   one of Dr. Malevo's feet in a huge pile of grey ash. (Look, Dave, you
   don't own the word!) "You bastard! You killed him in cold blood. You
   _murdered_ him."
   
   [WELL, OF COURSE I DID. HE SPOKE ALMOST ENTIRELY IN EXCLAMATIONS. I
   HATE THAT.] Rossi landed, light from the fire he started and the
   florescent bulbs overhead playing in scintillating patterns off of his
   vicious black armor. [I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR BEEF WITH ME IS,
   ARMINGTON.]
   
   "You advised Imbrogno to go with...with...Covenant! I could have been
   the character that Chris Gumprich fell in love with! Me! Instead, he
   went with the adventures of a one armed scientist." Everyone stopped
   for a moment and looked at the pile of ash. (I swear to god, Dave, I
   don't need your permission to use that word. And Warden _is_ coming.)
   "Do you have any idea how much that hurt?"
   
   [COVENANT WAS THE BETTER CONCEPT. YOUR ORIGIN INVOLVED IDEAS THAT
   NEEDED VERY DELICATE HANDLING...THAT WHOLE MISSION FROM GOD THING. AND
   BESIDES, I READ YOUR FIRST ISSUE...IT WASN'T THAT GOOD. CHAD MADE THE
   RIGHT CHOICE. TOO BAD HE LET BITTERNESS POISON HIS SOUL LIKE HE DID.]
   Stopping so as to give the readers a break from the caps, Rossi
   pointed one heavily spiked arm at Divad. [AND AS FOR YOU...WHAT, DID
   YOU EXPECT ME TO SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE WRITING ABOUT YOU? YOU HAPPEN
   TO BE A ONE TRICK PONY...HARDLY MY GREATEST CREATION.]
   
   "Let's see you say that with a Claymore stuck up your snout." Divad
   went into a classic Mandalay blade position. Armington prepared his
   seven foot bulk to leap. Rossi simply looked at them from behind the
   featureless black of his helmet.
   
   [OKAY. LET'S GET STARTED WITH A WHOLE LOT OF THE OLD ULTRAVIOLENCE,
   THEN.]
   
   ((One unimaginably violent scene of chaotic aggression later.))
   
   Armington was now armless. Of course, his torso was missing too, so it
   wasn't likely he'd miss them. Mary Lou was hiding under a dumpster,
   and Divad had been beaten silly.
   
   "Why...let...me...live?" Croaked the defeated swordsman.
   
   [BECAUSE PUTTING YOU BACK IN YOUR HORRIBLE STORYLINE IS A FATE WORSE
   THAN DEATH. SINCE ARMINGTON DIDN'T HAVE ONE, HE DIED. NOW...]
   
   The author in black armor waved his hand, and Divad vanished. He
   surveyed the carnage, and smiled underneath his featureless mask.
   
   [MARY LOU...STAY UNDER THE DUMPSTER.]
   
   "You got it. Nice and cozy here. Think I'll get a couch."
   
   [I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ONE STORY. TIME TO PASS THIS MAGILLA
   ALONG.]
   
   Ross vanished from the story in a blinding flare of white.
   
   Will Paragon and the Twins drown or freeze in the Arctic? Is Mary Lou
   going to stay under the couch? Don't ask me...I'm outta here! Ask the
   next writer! Tune in next time for issue number sixteen of RAC
   Challenge!, a story titled...
   
     * Next issue: Chapter 16: "If I wasn't such an evil, evil man, I'd
       give a short and pithy title that could easily be fit into the
       dialogue. But I am evil, and therefore any title I'd select must
       be fit to that evil. And also, it must mention cheese. Twice.
       Definitely has to mention cheese twice." by Poet
       
   
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   
    Matthew W Rossi III


=============================================================================

--

Jerry L. Franke                        franke at cs.indiana.edu
Computer Science Dept.                 Indiana University
formerly from Florida State University http://www.cs.fsu.edu/~franke