LNHY: The Death of Trophy Wife #5

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sat Nov 29 13:32:34 PST 2014

The Death of Trophy Wife #5

Pointless Interviews Man:  Well, to get started let's talk about the tragic death of the beloved super heroine Trophy Wife.  How has her death affected you?

Dr. Cool J Dog:  Hmm. Good question.  How has it affected me?  Well, I guess it made me kind of sad.  Trophy Wife was a good friend and this death of hers has kind of been a real drag.  A Real Drag (as opposed to the fake kind of drag.)

PIM:  But weren't you at one time married to her?

Dr. CJD:  Was I?  Hmm.  (thinking -- thinking hard)  Oh, yeah!  Guess I was.  Forgot all about that marriage.  That was like -- umm 2007?  Yeah, 2007.  I think it was a week before I was killed by that group of Killer Ninja Gorillas.  Hmm.  Say wait a sec!  Weren't you also killed by those SAME Killer Ninja Gorillas?

PIM:  Oh, yeah!  I was!  They brought me back to life -- I guess.

Dr. CJD:  That' makes no sense.  Why would they bring you back to life of all people!  I mean I at least have a huge fan base so it makes sense bringing me back to life.  But you?  No offense, but who cares if Pointless Interviews Man is alive or dead?

PIM:  My family are glad that I'm alive.

Dr. CJD:  I mean I guess.  I suppose that's possible.  Of course they probably wouldn't tell you if they were happier when you were dead.  Probably not.  Oh well.  Guess it doesn't matter.  Next question.

PIM:  Uh huh.  Yeah.   You recently did some work for the webcomic Ripping Off King Arthur adapting that first story you ever appeared in -- A Suicide in Destiny City -- how was it like working in the webcomic medium?

Dr. CJD:  Correction -- The story you're talking about is called a Suicide on Destiny's Child.  It was written by my good buddy Eliot Spitzer -- who alas despite being an excellent connoisseur of expensive prostitutes -- isn't the greatest writer, let me tell you.  But, hell, what can I say -- I needed the money.  But yeah -- everyone should check it out -- well, at least the part that I appear in.

PIM:  Will you be appearing in any upcoming works?

Dr. CJD:  Yeah.  Going to be making an appearance in that whole Death of Trophy Wife event thingee.

PIM:  Are the rumors about your greatest arch-enemy Hipster H Hippo destroying you in that true?

Dr. CJD:  What --  you're talking about that lame loser who is constantly shilling for that lame Unfinished Sentence-Verse?  He's my greatest arch-enemy only in his sad pathetic dreams.  Everyone knows my real greatest archenemy is -- The Man!  Well, that and herpes.

PIM:  Really.  Then I suppose if I were to do this -- (rips mask off to reveal his true identity (The Huge Hulking Hip-Hopping Hiptakulas Hipster H Hippo!) (A rather large anthropomorphic hippo wearing a beatnik outfit, a beret, hipster glasses, and a bongo drum) -- it wouldn't cause you much concern?  Or how about this?  Your -- HIghschool Yearbook!!!!

Dr.  CJD:  NO!!!!!  Don't do it!!  Don't do it!!  Have some mercy, Hipster H Hippo!!  All that talk about you being this lame loser -- it was just me yanking your chain a bit -- and that time I slept with your wife -- that was an accident!  An accident!  I thought I was sleeping with some other person's wife!  Don't do it.  I can pay you.  I can pay you any amount.  Just don't do it.  Please!  For the love of God!!

Hipster H Hippo:   (shakes his head)  It's already been done.  It's all across the internet.  Right now every man, woman, and child is looking at your dorky high school photos of you in your dorky sweater vest and dorky glasses.  They're looking at your president of the chess club, math club,  and accordion music club photos.  They're all looking.  And they cannot look away.  And they will never be able to get that image out of their minds.  Never!  It is over, Dr. Cool J Dog.  It's all over.  The Dr. Cool J Dog Age is over.  It is now the time of the -- Hipster H Hippo AGE!!!!!!

Dr. CJD:  Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! (Dr. Cool J Dog screams as he huddles himself on the floor -- a shriveled lump of his former greatness)  God, I need to really stop doing these stupid interviews.  God.

Hipster H Hippo:  Oh and kids -- remember the only way to true hipness is writing for the Unfinished Sentence-Verse!

Dr. CJD:  (lying on the floor he gazes up towards the sky in a catatonic state.)

To be continued?


Dr. Cool J Dog, Pointless Interviews Man, and Hipster H Hippo -- Arthur Spitzer
Trophy Wife -- Tom Russell

Arthur "With it.." Spitzer

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