REPOST/LNH: Beige Countdown #1: 'In the Palm of the HeartThrob' (Part One)
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Wed Jun 20 19:49:16 PDT 2012
[Note for Readers: Read Beige Countdown #2 before you read this.
Unless there's no Beige Countdown #2 in which case you should probably
read this first.]
[Cover: A female hand pops out of the Ultimate Ninja's chest holding
his heart. The Ultimate Ninja looks down with amazement.]
[B E I G E]
[C O U N T # 1 D O W N !]
"Man, when is Karl coming back with those sandwiches?! It's been like
over an hour!" The voice came from a security person wearing a black
bulletproof vest labeled 'Thug #784' and a black helmet with a flame
type logo on it holding an automatic rifle.
"Well, traffic has gotten bad. Ever since that damn Beige Tower
appeared it's caused all kinds of horrible traffic jams. Takes me like
four hours just to get home sometimes," said a similarly dressed man
with the label 'Thug #323'. "Especially now with that big moat they dug
around it to stop suicides."
"Yeah. Why the hell can't the government get rid of it? Damn
government. God um hungry."
"Well there's the vending machine."
"Nahh. Trying to eat healthier lately. Wife's got me on a stupid diet."
The other man snickered to himself.
"Jesus, this job is a snooze. Watching some ninja sleep."
"Pays good though. Kind of envy that ninja. They say that alien
creature on him is pumping in the sweetest type of dreams into him.
Giving him his heart desire. Man. I'd love that *&%@*& to happen to me."
"What would your heart's desire be?"
"Me? Hell, I don't know. Hmm. Oh wait. Yeah. I'd have this gigantic
ship bigger than the Titanic. Yeah. And it would have every type of
drug on it and gambling and prostitutes. Yeah, tons of prostitutes.
They'd be like million dollar prostitutes and rich people would pay
millions of dollars just to bang them. Me they'd do for free of course.
But I'd be like this pimp. Super Pimp on the High Seas! And it would
all be legal. Yeah that's what would do it for me, I think. What about
you? What's your poison?"
"Me? Christ. Don't know. Maybe -- maybe a superhero."
"A superhero?" The guard laughed. "Seriously?"
"Yeah, I know. It's stupid. But when I was a kid -- had this dream.
I'd get in some accident that gave me powers -- and I'd make myself a
costume -- build myself a rep -- and then the LNH would see me and
they'd ask me to join them and I would -- and I'd be the greatest
superhero there ever was -- saving the world every day. Everyone would
love me. Everyone would want to be me. Yeah, stupid. I know. Life
didn't go that way though. Dropped out of school. Fell in the wrong
crowd. Drugs. Stealing. Did jail. Next thing you know I'm a hired
thug for Y-Plex Burp and then Mr. Homage and then wReamicus Maximus and
so on. Stupid, right?"
"It's not stupid, kid. That's life. The lucky guys get to save the
world. The rest of us get to watch the lucky guys save it while we
"The lucky guys like him," Thug #323 said gesturing towards the sleeping
form of the Ultimate Ninja.
"Yep. Lucky bastard. Sweet Dreams."
"Heh. Sweet Dreams."
'In the Palm of the HeartThrob'
The Ultimate Ninja brushed his finger against one of the bars to his
jail cell. One swift kick and he'd be out of here. Why was he in this
cell? Rules. Meaningless Rules.
There had been a time long ago, back in the pre-LNH days, when there had
been no rules. No laws. Total Freedom. What did he trade that for?
For this? How long was he going to stay here?
"You know, we could maybe -- team up. You think?"
The Ultimate Ninja turned his head around to see who was daring to speak
"I mean with your ninja skills and my brains we could -- I don't know --
take over the world? I'm just saying -- that's a possibility iF we were
to say -- team up?"
"Who are you?"
"Ah, the name's Dr. F! I'm sure Dr. Stomper has made mention of me From
time to time since I'm his most Fearsome arch-Foe!"
"No, I don't believe he has."
"Oh, that's just like him! Pretending I'm not his greatest villain!
God how I hate that man! You know, he Flunked me! Me! Can you believe
it? Me, one of his most brilliant students! But one day I'll have my
revenge! Yes! I mean I was leader of the Union of the Useless! Well,
until that no good 'Worm' Filched my leadership position! I mean,
what's so Fantastic about a tiny worm who does nothing, but eat grass
and dirt? Sure he has that cool Floating bubble ship that allows him to
"Okay. I think I've heard enough of this. Stop speaking."
"Oh yeah, Mr. Fascist? Perhaps you haven't heard of a little something
called -- Freedom of speech. It's in the Bill of..."
"I said. Stop. Speaking," repeated the Ultimate Ninja with his
stare. Dr. F quickly crawled under his bed sheets and became very, very
The Ultimate Ninja gave a sigh of relief. Maybe he should go to sleep
too. But before he could attempt that, he heard footsteps. Someone was
coming. Coming to his cell.
A pair of super expensive high tech manacles dropped from the cell's
"Okay, ninja. Put them on. You're coming with me," the guard said
pointing his gun at the cuffs.
"You have a lot of worry on your face. Something very horrible is
happening. Something so bad that there's only one person in the world
who can stop it. Someone named -- the Ultimate Ninja. Am I right?"
"I said, Put on the handcuffs -- Ninja!"
"Uhuh. My mistake. I guess there is no catastrophic event that the
government needs my assistance for. I guess I'll be going to sleep then."
"Wait! You're right! We need your help desperately! All of
Washington, D.C. is swarming with cloned Ultimate Ninja zombies! No one
can stop them! No one!! You're are only chance!! Please! For God's
sake! Help us!! You're our only hope!" The guard then dropped down to
his knees and held both of the hands in prayer mode. "The President
will give you anything. A pardon. What ever you want! Please!"
"Sigh. Very well. Open up the cell door."
The capital was in chaos. Cloned Ultimate Ninja Zombies were everywhere
stumbling around muttering such clever sentiments as, 'Need Brains!' and
The Ultimate Ninja grabbed a couple of ninja bushes and started mowing
through them, transforming the zombies into severed arms and heads.
He noticed that a number of other LNH'rs were also helping in the
battle. After he had taken care of the last zombie that was close to
him, he made his way towards one of the LNH teams.
Master Blaster blasted away at the Ultimate Ninja like figure that was
heading towards them.
"Damn! This zombie is fast! He's dodging my flames without any effort.
"Wait! Stop shooting Rob!" Cheesecake Eater Lad said grabbing Master
Blaster's hand. "That's the Real Deal!"
"Oh. Whoops! My Bad! Sorry, UN!"
The Ultimate Ninja glared at Master Blaster and then turned his
attention towards Cheesecake Eater Lad. "So who's responsible for this
"Her!" Cheesecake Eater Lad pointed to a woman dressed in a ninja garb
standing on a building.
"A girl caused all this trouble?" The Ultimate Ninja shook his head.
"Well, I guess I better go take care of her then." With that said he
leaped into the air twirling his body towards the building she was
"Wait, UN!" But the Ultimate Ninja was already too far away to listen
to Cheesecake Eater Lad's words. "She's good. Very good."
"Well, finally. I was wondering if the zombies would be too much for
you." The words came from a girl who was probably no older than 21
dressed in a black ninja costume with a symbol on her chest. The symbol
was a hand grabbing a heart.
"Fishes in Barrels would have been a more effective method. So, who the
Hell are you? Please -- impress me."
"You can call my Lady Heartthob. I'm your doom."
The Ultimate Ninja laughed. "Right. Okay. I'll bite. Why -- the
"You laugh? You dare laugh! Is every murder you commit a joke? Is it?!"
"No. When I kill people, it's never a joke. And everyone I kill
deserves it. Everyone."
"My Father didn't deserve it!"
"And your father was?"
"Kakuji Yoyo.yahoo.z of the Yoyo.yahoo.z Family."
Kakuji Yoyo.yahoo.z? Yes. I've heard of him. He was one of Ninja
Island's biggest crime lords. Definitely someone who's better off dead.
But I can't remember killing him -- when did he die?
"It was in 1994. I was only seven when I saw you coldly stab him in the
back. I saw you! Don't try to deny it!"
"'94? Hmm. I spent most of that year enslaved in an alternate
dimension. That was the year an evil version of myself traded places
with me and ran the LNH. Perhaps he was the one who killed your father."
"You expect me to believe that nonsense?! My God! If you're going to
lie at least come up with something believable!"
"That's the truth. And I could care less if you don't believe me. So
-- are you going to kill me or are we going to chat about the past all day?"
Lady Heartthrob screamed, "Die!" and hurled a Ginsu katana at the
Ultimate Ninja. The Ultimate Ninja caught it with ease and threw it
right back at her head. She caught the katana right at its point with
"Impressive!" the Ultimate Ninja said as a hurricane of ninja bushes
began flying towards him.
Their hands used skyscrapers to paint brick and glass clouds over the
sky's canvas. Their feet balanced on atoms of nitrogen and oxygen as
they transcended beyond gravity's grip. New forms of pain and violence
escaped from the dream areas of their minds into the reality of the
world as they warred with each other.
The Ultimate Ninja marveled at the moves she was making. It seemed like
every move no matter how obscure it was -- she knew it. The Uncle
Dragon's Peanut Butter Fist! The Littly Pinky Death Hug! The Toenail
Earthquake Grip! The Belly Button Typhoon! The Smirk of Death. The
Gripping Fisting Grip Fist! And she was even throwing moves at him that
he'd never seen. Never even had imagined! Fist moves like Mozart
operas and kick moves like Michelangelo paintings blurred towards him.
No one was this good! Only he was this good! Impossible!
Their two bodies crashed through another skyscraper window. Their fight
had already been going on for about four hours. Neither one was willing
to concede this fight.
She was too good, the Ultimate Ninja thought to himself. And too
dangerous! He had been trying not to kill her, but she was too good.
He was going to have to end this. He was going to have to kill her. It
was a shame. She was amazing. Beautiful. He had never ever fought
some one this talented. This lovely. If only she wasn't bent on his
annihilation. No, sadly there was no other way. Only one person was
going to get out of this fight alive. And he had no death wish. He
just needed to wait for an opening.
The two closed in on each other. And then both their hands flew
straight into the other person's chest. The hands came back quickly
gripping the other person's heart. And then both of their bodies fell
to the ground.
"Heh," the Ultimate Ninja said has he slowly picked himself up. "You
were very good. Very good. But you pulled out the wrong heart. The
To the Ultimate Ninja's amazement Lady Heartthrob also slowly started to
rise up. "Yes. It appears I did. Just like the fake heart you have in
The Ultimate Ninja looked closely at the heart he held and then dropped
it to the ground. Lady Heartthrob dropped her fake heart too. They
both walked up to each other and then tore the masks off their faces.
Each grabbed the other's head and crashed their lips together. Hands of
violence swam over the other person's back. Their two bodies danced
like a freight train towards the back of the room. Finally, their two
bodies slammed right into a juke box that started playing Carly Simon's
'Nobody does it better' loudly.
Their lips and tongues began a new battle in a war of breath that didn't
seem to want to end.
<~Nobody does it half as good as you...~>
Where was he, the Ultimate Ninja wondered. Had he ever been here before?
<~I tried to hide from your love light...~>
It was like he had fallen into an ocean made of madness.
<~Why'd you have to be so good?~>
And he didn't want to ever leave. Because all that was beyond this
moment was a desert of thorns. A night without stars.
But it was ending. The song was almost over. Their lips ripped apart.
Lady Heartthrob ran away from him, grabbing her mask. And then she
paused as she reached the window and turned her head back towards him.
There was a vicious look on her face. A hatred that could never be
soothed. "I will destroy everything! Your friends. Your city. Your
LNH. Your hope. And then when that's all gone -- you. You will be the
last thing I destroy. Prepare yourself!" And then she tumbled out of
The Ultimate Ninja walked over to the window. She was gone. Like some
figment from a fever dream. The Ultimate Ninja looked back at the fake
heart she had left. He picked it up and studied it. Had that really
God, what a battle.
<~Makes me feel sad for the rest...~>
The Ultimate Ninja whistled to himself while he scribbled a piece of
paper with words.
"Hey, UN! Have you heard the news?" Cheesecake Eater Lad said as he
entered the LNH leader's office. "Something incredibly big has just
"Really? What's that?"
"It's Lady Heartthrob! She conquered Europe! She's now leader of the
Legion of Net.Villains! I guess she killed Mynabird and took it over!
And now she and her supervillain army have taken over Europe! Europe!
What are we going to do?"
"She certainly is something, isn't she?" The Ultimate Ninja continued
to scribble words on the paper.
"Umm, UN? What exactly are you doing?"
"Writing a poem."
"Writing a poem?"
"Yep. Say, what word rhymes with disembowel?"
"Have you heard a word I've said?"
"Yes. I heard you. Lady Heartthrob has conquered Europe. Hmm. How
about visemcowl? Is that a word? Cheesecake Eater Lad?"
The Ultimate Ninja carefully crawled up the Statue of Liberty's arm. On
the top of the torch stood Lady Heartthrob dangling President
Hexidecimal Luthor over the edge.
"If you come any closer I'll drop him! I swear!"
"I don't believe you. I don't think you have it in you."
"Watch this then!" Lady Heartthrob threw the screaming body of Hex
Luthor right into the air.
The Ultimate Ninja watched as Hex Luthor fell into the ocean. "Guess I
was wrong. Well -- he was kind of a lousy president."
The Ultimate Ninja eyes shot open and he got quickly out of his bed
grabbing a ninja bush on his night stand. Standing in his bedroom was
the lithe figure of Lady Heartthrob.
"Don't! I'm not here to kill you. It turns out you were right. You're
not my father's killer. I need your help."
"Really? And why's that?"
"I have info about a person who knows who killed my father."
"And that is?"
"An LNH receptionist by the name of -- Bart."
"First thing is -- we're going to have to go into space. Planet Qwerty
is about 1,992 light years away from Earth, which will take about a week
of flying to get there. Of course before we get there, we'll have to
sneak past tons of Dvorakian space fleets. And then once we get there
we'll have to travel back in time. And the person we're facing has two
cosmic items -- the Ring of Retconn and the Insanity Gauntlet. Both of
which make him god like and insane. We'll have to strike quickly before
he even knows we're there," the Ultimate Ninja said looking at a space map.
"Is that it? Are you sure we can handle this? It sounds like we'll
need a bigger team," asked Lady Heartthrob with a skeptical look.
"No. More people will just slow us down."
"If you say so. Sure you want to do this?"
"You'd have to kill me to stop me from going. Ready? Then let's go."
Bart the Dark Receptionist whistled the Pink Floyd song, 'Brain Damage,'
to himself as he relaxed in the giant Qwertian bath tub that was
overflowing with bubbles. Just as Bart was reaching for his rubber
ducky with the Insanity Gauntlet though he felt an incredible pain in
both of his arms. That's when he saw both of his arms fall off, and
blood start to spray from them.
Damn, thought Bart before he passed out, I knew I should have retconned
both my arms invulnerable to harm.
The Ultimate Ninja and Lady Heartthrob entered the LNHHQ with a burlap
sack that contained the Ring of Retconn, Insanity Gauntlet, and Bart's arms.
"Fred!" ordered the Ultimate Ninja, "Get a medical team to my space
thingee for Bart. Occultism Kid, I've got the Ring of Retconn and
Insanity Gauntlet in this sack. Try not to be corrupted by them."
"Sure thing, UN!" Occultism Kid said grabbing the sack. "Oh, just so
you know, Dekay and Diskolor have returned!"
"I'm not surprised," the Ultimate Ninja said rolling his eyes.
"I think I may have figured out how to defeat Dekay and Diskolor, UN."
"Okay, spill it, Occultism Kid."
"Using a spell that involved the Book of Deus ex Machinas, Ring of
Retconn and Insanity Gems I discovered an object that can kill Dekay and
"And this object is?"
"The Four-Color Ninja Bush!"
"The Four-Color Ninja Bush? But that's a legend! No one even knows if
they exist! It's a ninja bush that can cut through anything and if
anyone were to touch it they would instantly die! The legends say that
the last grove of ninja bushes are hidden in the most dangerous part of
Ninja Island! A place filled with Ninja Dinosaurs and Giant Ninja
Spiders! No explorer who's ever been there has come back alive. Well.
Guess we better pack our bags!"
Cannon Fodder was running. Running for his life.
And two monsters were chasing him. The first monster had a body made out
of human corpses. And its head was made out of a cloud of flies and
worms. Its eyes glowed red. One of its hands held a blackened sword.
The other monster was a pale white color. In the middle of its chest
was a gaping mouth, which had seven forked tongues each a different
color. It only had one eye on its head, and it was a very blood shot
eye. A number of spikes stabbed out of its head. Each spike had a
skull attached to it. One of its hands held a spiked club. Diskolor.
And each footstep they made shook the world and left a valley of death.
Cannon Fodder made his way towards a rather big wooden platform the size
of 16 football fields and the Bryttle Brothers followed. But before he
could get off the platform he tripped and fell. Cannon Fodder looked up
in horror as the two gigantic monsters stepped onto the wooden platform.
The platform wasn't strong enough to hold the combined weight of the
two and started to crack. A few seconds before Dekay and Diskolor could
reach Cannon Fodder the whole thing collapsed causing the Bryttle
Brothers to fall into the million of Four Color Ninja Bushes that were
beneath the wooden platform. Dekay and Diskolor screamed in terror as
the bushes shredded them to death. Unfortunately, Cannon Fodder also
fell into the ninja bushes and was shredded to death.
"Good work, Cannon Fodder," the Ultimate Ninja said as he looked at the
death of Dekay and Diskolor from a distance.
"Wow, so that's the end of Beige Midnight. That was so totally worth
the hype!" Sarcastic Lad said. "What should I wear to the Pulitzers?"
"So what have you come up with, Deductive Logic Man?" the Ultimate Ninja
said sitting in his LNH office.
"Based on the stuff Bart told me and the checking up on the info -- it
appears that there is an ancient organization called the Seven Deadly
Ninja Gorillas that have been behind almost everything."
"What do you mean by everything?"
"I mean everything. Over 90% of the evil that has ever been committed
by anyone they've had there hands in it. The Bryttle Brothers and Bart
is just the top of the iceberg. They've been operating since the dawn
of time. Everything traces back to them."
"What about the death of Lady Heartthrob's father? Were they
responsible for that?"
"It appears so."
"Where are these Seven Deadly Ninja Gorillas located at Deductive Logic
"All the info I've gathered leads me to believe that they've been hiding
all of this time in the Jungle of Glak." [See Jungle Cheesecake for
more info on GLak -- Ed]
"Glak!? Oh god. Not that place. Are you sure?"
"No. But that's my best guess based on all of the info."
"I guess I should check it out. 90% of all the evil in the world.
Imagine if I could stop them once and for all."
"You should probably bring a big team with you. Lots of heavy hitters."
"I think I'll do this by myself."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Positive. I fight better that way."
The Ultimate Ninja glanced at the flight controls on his flight.thingee.
About the time he was ready to fly it out of LNH Hangar, he heard a
small noise. He quickly jumped out of his chair and crept to where the
noise had come from. He noticed a blanket. He quickly pulled the
blanket up and saw the very still form of Lady Heartthrob under it.
The Ultimate Ninja snorted to himself. "You really need to learn how to
breathe more silently."
"You're not going there without me."
"Really? I don't think you're in a position to demand anything."
"They killed my father! I will not be cheated out of revenge! I will
either come or one of us will die!"
"Fine. Come if you want. I have no desire to kill you. At least not yet."
The Ultimate Ninja and Lady Heartthrob stumbled through the thick jungle.
"Do you even know where you're going?" asked a skeptical Lady Heartthrob.
"Of course! I've been here before. For some reason it looks different.
I don't know why. There! That cave! That has to be it!"
"Finally!" Lady Heartthrob quickly ran towards the cave entrance and
disappeared within it.
"Wait! We should go in together. It might not be -- *sigh* Damn
females." The Ultimate Ninja quickly chased after her. As he entered
the cave he couldn't seem to sense her anymore. He clicked on his
flashlight. She was gone.
The Ultimate Ninja had been searching the caverns for more than an hour.
Where was she? He didn't like this. It had been a mistake to bring
her. And perhaps to come here without a team. He glanced at the map
that Deductive Logic Man had given. There was something not right about
this map. But before he could figure what that was, his flashlight quit
on him. Everything became very dark. This was impossible. The
flashlight was designed by Kid Kirby. There was no way it should ever
quit. He did have an extra flashlight and some matches in his backpack.
But before he could reach into his backpack he heard a sound. Rocks
falling. It was cave in. The Ultimate Ninja quickly ran to what he
thought was the safest direction. But unfortunately for him, the path
he took was off a cliff.
The Ultimate Ninja woke up. Ugghhh. He had the wind knocked out of
him. He was in some kind of slimy puddle. He couldn't seem to move.
Was he paralyzed? He heard more sounds. Living creature sounds.
People sounds? A light shined giving him the ability to see who was
making all of the noises. He saw seven gorillas in ninja suits -- each
a different color. And Lady Heartthrob.
"I'm Sorry," said Lady Heartthrob looking away from him.
"Welcome to the Lair of All Evil, Ultimate Ninja!" said the Gorilla in
the Red Ninja Suit.
"What have you done to me?" the Ultimate Ninja said still unable to move.
"That liquid you're lying in -- that is your own inner darkness. And
it's soaking right through you. Washing away whatever small amount of
goodness exists within you."
"Lady Heartthrob, stop them!"
"Really now. Who do you think gave you to us? Lady Heartthrob is our
student. One of our many students. Her father was our student. And
soon you will be too."
"They're right, Ultimate Ninja. They own me like they owned my father."
"No one owns anyone! They killed your father!"
The gorilla in the green ninja suit shook his head. "It's no using
fighting, Ultimate Ninja. This is your destiny. It's always been your
destiny. You are to be our greatest soldier in the upcoming war. The
War of Good and Evil. You will lead the forces of darkness to victory."
"No! I will not -- I will not!"
"You're alone here, Ultimate Ninja. It's only a matter of time before
you succumb to the darkness. To the hate. There is no one that can
help you. There is no..." but before the gorilla in the purple ninja
suit could finish that sentence he noticed something hurling towards
him. A cheesecake!
As the cheesecake smacked into the gorilla's face, more sounds came from
the distance. "Hey, UN! Stop lazing around! We could use some help!"
said a voice that sounded like wReamhack's. The Ultimate Ninja looked
up and saw Cheesecake Eater Lad, Catalyst Lass, Fuzzy, Parking Karma
Kid, Master Blaster, Kid Kirby, Occultism Kid, Dr. Stomper, Sarcastic
Lad, wReamhack, Cannon Fodder, aLLiterative Lass, Sister State the
Obvious, Easily Discovered Man Lite, Writer's Block Woman, Elvis Man,
Fearless Leader, and a dozen or so more flying into the cavern.
"Lady Heartthrob! Kill them!" shouted the gorilla who wore a blue ninja
"Don't. Please. They don't own you. They don't," pleaded the Ultimate
Ninja still struggling to get up.
Lady Heartthrob froze as the rest of the cave became emersed in battle.
"I said, Kill them! What are you waiting for?"
Lady Heartthrob closed her eyes. She could see her father. It was long
ago. They were playing hide and seek. She opened them back up and
hurled a ninja bush into the back of the blue ninja gorilla. She
screamed the word, 'Daddy' in Japanese and started slaughtering the rest
of the Seven Deadly Ninja Gorillas.
"So, I guess this is it," said Lady Heartthrob standing on one of the
many Net.ropolis rooftops. "Well, thank you for everything you've done
and sorry about the whole tricking you into the whole cave thing so you
could become a slave to the Seven Deadly Ninja Gorillas."
"Water under the bridge. You're not leaving, are you? My offer for
joining the LNH still stands."
Lady Heartthrob laughed. "I don't belong in the LNH. I'm a criminal.
A murderer. Your people don't trust me. The world doesn't trust me."
"I don't care."
"It would never work. I can't stay visible. I'm wanted for so many
"You could change your identity."
"No. I've got to go. Goodbye."
The Ultimate Ninja grabbed her by the arm. "No. Don't. I just --
Hell. I love you. There. I said it."
Lady Heartthrob shook her head. "I'm sorry. It's -- It's not going to
happen. It won't work. It will just destroy us both. Deep down you
know that. We're better off not -- it can't work."
"I don't care. I don't care if it destroys us both. I don't care if it
destroys the world. I want it. I want you."
"Yes you do. Don't you?" Lady Heartthrob put her arms around the
Ultimate Ninja and the two of them kissed.
Tomorrow: Part Two!
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