LNH: Stay Dead!

Scott Eiler seiler at eilertech.com
Sun Nov 6 17:27:05 PST 2011

Stay Dead!

A Tale of the Legion of Net.Heroes


Author's Note:  Yes, you read that right.  I am for once writing a
story for someone else's universe.  It's a massive shared universe
full of in-jokes - and also some good stories.  (http://www.lnhq.info/
wiki/Welcome/.)  And it has attracted my attention...  Writers help
me, I'm actually posting here for review.


What Has Gone Before:

The LNHHQ Front Lawn, during a villainous attack:

And over there, Yet-Another-Character-with-an-incredibly-long-name-
that-won't-amuse-Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead Man.
The hothead of our group.  He was so angry at the world.  Angry at a
world that hates superheroes with incredibly long names.  May he find
peace in the afterlife.

(by Arthur Spitzer, Beige Midnight #9)


Two dead heroes had coffee as usual one morning in the Afterlife.
Well, it was *like* coffee at least.

Ensign Bodybag asked, "You doing anything today?"

Cannon Fodder said, "Yeah.  I'm due back for a big battle."

"Battle, huh?  Guess I better get ready for new arrivals..."

Then a truckload of characters got dumped in front of them!

Cannon Fodder reacted first...  "I guess the battle started without

Cannon Fodder had hopped in and out of the afterlife all the time.
But Ensign Bodybag just stayed dead.  He'd made the afterlife his
home.  So he asked the new arrivals, "Where you guys from *this*

One spoke.  "We're Team LNH-Subgroup-Designed-to-be-Mowed-Down-by-

"Say no more... Welcome to the Afterlife.  Yes, that's where you are
now.  I know the feeling.  You can call me Ensign Bodybag."

"And I'm Cannon Fodder.  Whatever you went through back there, you're
with friends now.  Stand easy, heroes.  *You* can relax here as long
as you like."

Ensign Bodybag continued.  "We find it helps if you sound off."  He
pointed at the apparent commander of the arrivals.  "You!  Sound off!"

He said, "Uh... Comes-up-with-horrible-awful-names-for-LNH-subgroups
Lad, Sir!"

"Say no more..."  Ensign Bodybag pointed at a woman.  "You?"

"I'm Her-Death-Would've-Been-More-Poignant-If-She-Had-Actually-
Appeared-in-Something-Before-this-Issue Lass!"  She pointed at a
different new arrival.  "*He* named me!  Dr. Can-Beat-Any-Supervillain-

"Rest easy, soldier.  We pick our *own* names here."

"Then why are you Cannon Fodder Lad?"

"No, I'm Ensign Bodybag.  *He's* Cannon Fodder.  Not Cannon Fodder
Lad.  Just Cannon Fodder."

The first guy (call him Horrible Name Lad, Ensign Bodybag thought)
said, "Wow!  *The* Cannon Fodder?  I *love* your early work!  But
why'd you call yourself that?"

Ensign Bodybag answered for Cannon Fodder.  "We called ourselves what
we did, because that's what we really were.  When we admitted it, we
felt a lot better about how we got here.  But anyway..."  Ensign
Bodybag pointed at the next man in line.  "Sound off!"

Then the sky of the Afterlife cracked open.  A man-like figure came
down - on a bicycle, along a magic trapeze wire that suddenly
appeared.  He wore red tights and a gray cloak.

Ensign Bodybag said to the new arrivals, "Just stay quiet."  Then he
said to the cloaked figure, "Hey!  Don't Stay Dead Man!  You come for
Cannon Fodder?"

Don't Stay Dead Man pointed - at the next new arrival, who'd been
afraid to sound off.

"Hey!  Whatsyername!  You're lucky!  You got your ticket back to real
life!"  The man perked up as Don't Stay Dead Man came for him.

But then Don't Stay Dead Man pulled a cardboard box with a spout from
under his cloak.  Ensign Bodybag's keen vision saw the letters,
"Powdered Darkness".

Don't Stay Dead Man sprinkled some of the powder on the new arrival.
The man screamed as the powder hit him.  Then he dissolved into

The newly dead heroes screamed.  But Don't Stay Dead Man ignored
them.  He pointed at Cannon Fodder, and crooked his finger.  Cannon
Fodder shrugged, and hopped on the rear-wheel rider spokes of Don't
Stay Dead Man's bicycle.

Don't Stay Dead Man turned around and pedalled his bicycle back into
the sky, with Cannon Fodder.  No one dared speak until they'd

The female new arrival (call her Poignant Death Lass, Ensign Bodybag
thought) whispered, "What *was* that?"

Ensign Bodybag responded quietly, "That was our version of the
Champion of Death.  He *usually* comes here to bring one of us back to
life.  Usually Cannon Fodder..."  He shrugged.  "But that powder he
used is pure oblivion.  When it hits someone who's already dead,
there's no coming back."

"So that Death guy is an agent of the Higher Powers?"


"Wow.  I guess Yet-Another-Character-with-an-incredibly-long-name-that-
won't-amuse-Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead Man must
have *really* offended The Writers."


Author's Notes:

Originally an instant story!  Justice needed swift service.  But we're
now on the second draft of this story.  You can find the first draft
on alt.comics.lnh if you really want to.  Arthur Spitzer did, and
redirected me to where people actually care.

Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead Man is used by
permission of Arthur Spitzer.

Team LNH-Subgroup-Designed-to-be-Mowed-Down-by-Mynabird-to-Show-What-
an-Incredible-Bad-Ass-He-Is, Comes-up-with-horrible-awful-names-for-
LNH-subgroups Lad, Her-Death-Would've-Been-More-Poignant-If-She-Had-
Actually-Appeared-in-Something-Before-this-Issue Lass, and Dr. Can-
Beat-Any-Supervillain-Except-for-Mynabird are created by Arthur
Spitzer, and uncategorized by the rules of the Legion of Net.Heroes.
I've left them as I've found them.  But now that I've written them, I
am inclined to use them again in LNH-related media, especially
Horrible Name Lad and Poignant Death Lass.  Arthur's now granted 
permission for that.

Cannon Fodder is one of those legendary characters created by wReam.
He fit this story so well, its first draft had a character called
Cannon Fodder Lad.  So I've tried to tie Cannon Fodder in with Beige
Midnight #9.

Powdered Darkness resembles an interdimensional force Wil Alambre
recently invoked in Super Wizard from Space stories in RACC.  Without
going into further history of Darkness... Eek!

Ensign Bodybag and Don't Stay Dead Man are original to me.  I hereby
declare them Free For Use in all LNH-related venues.

So there.

(signed) Scott Eiler  8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------

Turns out I'm an anally-fixated oedipal paranoid with 
south-of-the-border schizophrenic delusions...  But never mind, I've 
found me the ideal job.  I'm going to run for President!

- Major Honey, scripted by Grant Morrison, Doom Patrol #46, August 1991.

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