LNH: LNH Comics Presents #506 (1/2)
robrogers72 at gmail.com
Mon Jul 18 18:27:30 PDT 2011
When the mad Dr. Killfile threatened to destroy the
Internet -- THEY answered the call! Today, THEIR strange
and mighty powers are our last, best line of defense
against crime, disaster and unspeakable horror! THEY are
our knights in shining spandex... the LEGION OF NET.HEROES!
[Cover shows Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy, his pupils
black and opaque, aiming a pistol at the head of a
chained and bound Fearless Leader. A gloating Lich Nixon
stands behind him, rubbing his hands together. The caption
at the bottom of the page reads "CHIEF EXECUTOR!"]
WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE: Nearly every former President of
the Usenetted States of Ame.rec.a has risen from his grave,
each with the power to exert tremendous influence over the
living. While the Legion of Net.Heroes fans out across the
country to do battle with the presidential revenants, the
Legion's Fearless Leader now finds himself face-to-face
with the man who has launched this wave of undead terror...
* * *
White House Situation Room,
Washington.gov 20 February 2011 7:50 p.m.
"Richard Milhous Nixon," Fearless Leader gasped.
"I always preferred Mr. President," said the black-
clad walking corpse, pausing to tousle the hair of one of
a group of frightened children as he swept into the room.
The children -- boys and girls of various ages, whose
presence in the Situation Room had so far kept the Secret
Service from firing on Nixon -- had been summoned there by
one of Nixon's thralls, the Zombie John F. Kennedy, who
lurked at the corner of the chamber with fellow zombies
George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Woodrow
Nixon had apparently exercised his will through
Zombie Kennedy over the children -- and over Kennedy's
captive, the Legionnaire Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy -- in
what Fearless Leader could only assume was the mind-control
equivalent of an Amway organizational pyramid.
"And you're...the Legion of Net.something-or-other,"
Nixon said, striding forward. "In my day, it was the Legion
of Net.Hippies. Bunch of punks, drunk on privilege,
convinced that it gave them the power to tell the rest
of the world what was right and wrong."
He raised his head to stare at Fearless Leader. "The
kind of people who have been trying to keep Dick Nixon
down his entire life."
"Why'd you do it, Nixon?" asked the Legion commander,
stepping out from behind a marble statue of Justice
near the entrance to the underground chamber. "What was the
point of bringing all the Presidents back from the grave?"
"Why'd I do it? Why did Truman drop the bomb on
Nagasaki?" Nixon replied, turning to Zombie Franklin
Roosevelt as if he expected the creature to answer
his question. "To remind the world what the people of
this country are capable of."
Nixon walked onward, his vast black cloak trailing
behind him, until his pockmarked face was just a few
inches from Fearless Leader's.
"You think the Chinese are going to dick around with us
over the exchange rate or the South China Sea, now that they
know we can raise up an army of their ancestors whenever we
damn well please?" Nixon asked. "How many pissant camel
jockeys do you think are going to threaten to blow
themselves up in our cities, knowing that the moment they
do, they'll be signed up for a never-ending membership in
Richard Nixon's new silent majority?"
Nixon jabbed an iron-clad finger at Fearless Leader's
chest. "I've just done more to guarantee Ame.rec.an
security than the last six Presidents combined. Or your
President Barracks Boatman, who had been crouched
behind an overturned conference table, rose to his feet,
shrugging off a pair of Secret Service agents as he did so.
[Boatman, a former high school gym teacher, became
President as the result of a typographical error in "Mister
Blister and Sister-State- the-Obvious #2 -- Footnote Girl].
"The Ame.rec.an people won't stand for it," Boatman
said, glaring at Nixon.
"Let me tell you about the Ame.rec.an people," Nixon
said, walking around Fearless Leader to approach the
"Make sure they have cheap food, and none of
them will worry themselves about what it's made of," the
undead President said. "Give them cheap oil, and plenty of
it, and they won't get too worked up about who you had to
kill to get it. Keep them safe, by whatever methods are
necessary, and nobody's going to question anything else
you decide to do.
"Fail to deliver on any of these things," Nixon said,
the edge of his cloak passing through the holographic map of
the Usenetted States at the center of the chamber, "and
they'll ride you out of town on a rail, regardless of how
noble they may think you are."
"Um, excuse me," said Kid Recap, still taking shelter
behind a carved image of the Great Seal of the Usenetted
States, "but... why is it that Zombie Nixon can talk and
make speeches, when all of the other zombies just sort of
walked around moaning and drooling?"
"Because Nixon isn't a zombie," said Occultism Kid,
entering the chamber behind Nixon, accompanied by Anal-
Retentive Archive Kid, Particle Man and Blue Canary.
"He's become a dark lord of the underworld: a lich."
* * *
Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents #506:
"Nixon's The One"
By Rob Rogers
* * *
"A which?" Kid Recap asked.
"Oh, like you never played Dungeons & Dragons in
secondary school," Anal-Retentive Archive Kid said. "A
lich is a powerful sorcerer whose command over dark magic
is so vast that it transcends the grave... I'm sorry, Kid
Recap. Did I say something to offend you?"
"No...no," Kid Recap said. "I'm just not used to
having other people explain things to me."
"I don't care whether you're a vampire, the bogeyman
or the Loch Ness *@#$%^in' Monster," President Boatman
said, pointing at Lich Nixon. "I woke up this morning
as commander-in-chief over the most powerful nation on
earth. And I sure as hell didn't need an army of dead
mother@#$%#$%ers around for that to be true."
The Dark Lord considered Boatman, as the zombie figures
of Washington, Roosevelt, Wilson and Kennedy began moving
toward the assembled Legionnaires.
"I like you, Boatman," Nixon said. "You're a real
Ame.rec.an -- working class background, built your way up
from less than nothing. Not like these people," he said,
waving his gauntlet dismissively at the members of the LNH.
So I'm going to give you a choice."
* * *
"Protect the President!" Fearless Leader cried, as the
animated skeleton of George Washington charged toward him.
"And get those kids out of here!"
"On it..." Kid Recap began, as Lich Nixon idly waved
his hand toward the statue of Justice. The stone figure
lurched forward, swinging its sword at Kid Recap, who
narrowly avoided decapitation.
"And here I thought you and I were on the same team,"
Kid Recap said to the statue.
"We need those children out of the room as soon as
possible," Occultism Kid told Anal-Retentive Archive Kid,
as the latter fended off an attack by Zombie Kennedy. "I
have a spell that should be effective against the lich,
but the residual magic tends to have some rather nasty
side effects where growing bodies are concerned."
"I'll do my best to... Look out!" Anal-Retentive
Archive Kid shouted, as Nixon waved his hand again, and
the carved eagle at the center of the Great Seal of the
Usenetted States turned its head.
The great stone raptor screamed, spread its wings --
letting its red-and-white shield clatter to the floor --
and swooped towards Occultism Kid.
* * *
"Here's my offer," Lich Nixon said, pacing in front of
President Boatman like a weary panther. "You go on being
the very best President you can be -- make all the speeches
you want about freedom and democracy and everything else
that lets people believe they have some control over the
course of their lives.
"You govern the country as you see fit from up
there," the Dark Lord continued, nodding at the White House
above their heads "And when the time comes, as it always
does, when someone has to do those dark things that are
required of empires... you leave them to me. Down here.
You don't need to sign off on them; you don't even need to
know about them."
"You said I had a choice," Boatman said, many long
"Human beings always have a choice," Nixon said.
* * *
"I wouldn't mind a little backup here," Fearless Leader
said, as Zombie Washington brought his cavalry saber down,
swatting the pistol from the Legionnaire's hand. Zombie
Wilson raised his mace, ready to crush Fearless Leader's
skull, while Zombie Roosevelt raced toward them in his
"Au contraire, Delano!" cried Particle Man, using his
They Might Be Giants powers to clap an iron cage around the
body of Franklin Roosevelt and a thick glass aquarium
surrounding Woodrow Wilson. "Hate to rain on your parade!"
"Person, look out!" Blue Canary cried, as Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy -- still in thrall to Zombie Kennedy --
lifted the stone shield from the remains of the Great Seal.
As Particle Man turned, the Chauvinistic Crusader flung the
weapon like a discus at his fellow hero.
"I'd like to say this is going to hurt me more than it
will hurt you," Particle Man said, easily dodging the thrown
shield. "But the fact is, I don't know you all that well,
and I've never really liked you very much. Hammer DOW..."
"Person!" Blue Canary shrieked, as Obnoxious Ame.rec.a
Boy's shield caromed off three of the four chamber walls,
finally striking a startled Particle Man in the back of his
"Studied... physics... my whole life," Particle Man
gasped, falling to the ground. "Can't... figure out...
how that... could possibly have worked..."
His eyes closed, and the cage and aquarium around
Roosevelt and Wilson disappeared, allowing the two zombies
to renew their attack on Fearless Leader.
* * *
"I suppose I'd rather be assaulted by this than by that
Eye of Providence thin on the back of the dollar bill. Not
that I have anything against the Masons," Occultism Kid
said, as the stone eagle dove toward him. He opened a
drawstring pouch on his belt and removed a stoppered glass
"This ought to do," he said, tossing the little glass
tube at the bird's chest. With an ear-splitting shriek,
the vial exploded -- transforming the attacking eagle into
a quivering pile of rubble.
"What the hell was that?" asked Anal-Retentive Archive
Kid, who was using a broken table leg to fend off Zombie
"Two parts vodka, six parts orange juice, and one and
one half parts tincture of banshee," Occultism Kid said.
"Thought it might come in handy. I call it my 'sonic
* * *
"My apologies, Mr. President," said Fearless Leader,
grabbing the reins of Zombie Washington's horse and
somersaulting forward to land on the skeletal creature's
back, kicking Washington off in the process.
Taking his place in the saddle as the demon horse
reared, Fearless Leader turned the beast toward Zombie
Roosevelt, knocking the monster from his wheelchair and
trampling him beneath a shower of bony hooves. He reared
the horse again as Washington lunged -- allowing the
President's saber to pass cleanly through the horse's empty
rib cage -- and brought it down, trapping the zombie's sword
within the horse.
Fearless Leader leaned forward to land a blow on
Washington's jaw, and found himself clutching his injured
hand in agony.
"Forgot about the ivory teeth," he said, doing his
best to ignore the pain. "I've got to get to President
* * *
"The other option, in your case, is to continue
allowing our nation's agenda to be set by this... club of
self-appointed moral guardians," Lich Nixon told President
Boatman, nodding to the roomful of Legionnaires engaged in
"You can, if you choose, watch them continue to turn
our planet into their battleground, all the while claiming
to be our saviors," Nixon continued, "Of course, by doing
so, you'll be demonstrating to the rest of the world just
how emasculated the Usenetted States government has really
become in an age of super-science and sorcery."
"So that's your offer," President Boatman said,
staring into the bony holes that had once been the lich's
eyes. "Act as the figurehead President, while you and your
legions of darkness rule from below."
Nixon shook his head, bits of decaying flesh flaking
from his jowls. "It's not as bad as all that," he said.
"Think of the tail you'll get while you're in the White
House. Look at Clinton. Hell, look at Kennedy."
President Boatman inhaled deeply.
"I'm not much of a politician," Boatman admitted.
"I'm not really much of a leader. Hell, if I'm being
honest about things, I'm not really that much of a man.
"But there's one thing I do know," Boatman said,
standing as tall as his compact frame allowed, "and that's
fitness. The idea of a sound mind in a sound body. It's
good for high school students, and it's good for this
country. And you, whatever the hell you've become... you,
Mr. President, have neither."
Lich Nixon shrugged. "Can't say I didn't offer you a
choice," he said. "Dick Nixon's a lot of things, but he's
not a crook. I'll just leave you with a little reminder of
what this country does to Presidents who choose to follow
The lich raised his hand, and the holographic image of
the Usenetted States roared to life around President
Boatman, with the Great Lakes serving as a large, jagged
-- and apparently, quite hungry -- mouth.
"It eats them alive," Nixon said, turning his back upon
* * *
The inch-long spikes at the end of President Woodrow
Wilson's mace stopped just half an inch from Fearless
Leader's face as the zombie President redoubled his attack.
"Not having to breathe or rest... is certainly an
advantage..." said Fearless Leader, nearly breathless
himself as he parried the creature's advance with George
"But it's hard to counter... your opponent's
strategy... with a brain that died a century ago!" he
added, slicing left with a stroke that sent Wilson's
mace -- and most of the zombie's hand -- to the floor
of the Situation Room.
"I wish Nixon had resurrected someone with less of a
work ethic," Fearless Leader said, as Zombie Wilson
staggered forward, oblivious to pain. "How's your battle
with Justice going, Recap?"
"Can't talk now," Kid Recap said, for perhaps the first
time in his life. His gaze returned to the animated statue
before him. "And then when I was in the third grade, I
made sure that all the classroom guinea pigs got the same
amount of pellets, even though one of them bit everyone."
"Are you..." Fearless Leader began, driving Wilson
back with his sword. "Are you trying to persuade that
statue not to kill you... by recalling everything you ever
did in the pursuit of justice?"
"And they said the power to deliver concise plot
summaries wasn't a combat ability," Kid Recap said,
noting with some satisfaction that the statue had
become less energetic in its attacks. "Remind me to tell
you how I discovered my powers while waiting in line for
Confession at St. Mary's one Saturday afternoon."
"I think you just did," Fearless Leader said. "Any
chance you can convince Lady Justice to swing a little to
"Not while John Roberts is serving on the Supreme
Court... Oh. You mean the statue. Sure," Kid Recap said,
adjusting his fighting stance so that his back was to
Fearless Leader. "Why are we doing this again?"
"Because the Father of Our Country is getting ready
for another round... and I see a way to score a hat trick,"
Fearless Leader said.
"You're the boss," Kid Recap said, and went on to
describe some particularly kind things he had done for his
younger sister. Behind him -- and behind the dueling pair
of Fearless Leader and Zombie Wilson -- George Washington
raised Wilson's mace above his head and began to advance
towards Fearless Leader.
"By the way," Fearless Leader said, "I happen to know
that your room at LNH Headquarters has been getting HBO for
free for years -- and you haven't said anything about it."
"WHAT?" Kid Recap asked, but his response was cut off
as Fearless Leader simultaneously dove backward and flung
Kid Recap to the ground.
The statue of Justice -- who had surged forward with
renewed vigor the moment her stone ears had heard the tale
of Kid Recap's perfidy -- plunged her sword forward, where
it neatly skewered both the Zombie Woodrow Wilson and the
skeleton of Zombie George Washington.
"Boss, that was amazing!" Kid Recap said, pulling
himself to his feet, and offering Fearless Leader a hand.
"That's the kind of stunt I'm actually looking forward to
telling everyone about over and over and over... Hey, boss?
You all right?"
But Fearless Leader remained frozen where he had
fallen, his eyes locked on the object in front of him:
the shriveled, withered head of Zombie Franklin D.
Fearless Leader had heard the sound from the moment he
stared into Roosevelt's eyes: a rushing, screaming roar,
building in intensity, interspersed with snippets of the
great leader's most famous speech: "We have nothing to fear
but fear itself... fear itself... fear itself..."
The Legion commander doubled over in agony as the force
of the emotion slammed into him like a seismic wave of
dread. He had been afraid before -- he still woke to
nightmares that the demon Flipseid had claimed this
reality for his own, or that the horror of the Bryttle
Brothers had returned, or that yet another flock of
oddly anthropomorphic birds had taken up residence in
But this was fear in its purest form, an endless
lake of nightmares escalating from mild anxiety to the
knowledge of certain doom. He felt the icy pinpricks of
horror puncture his very soul: fear without reason, the
nameless terror of the helpless, of the damned, of
"Legion... needs me," Fearless Leader moaned,
speaking through gritted teeth. "Those.... children
need me. The President needs me. And... damn it all...
the readers are not going to sit through one more
summer event series with 'fear itself' as its motto!"
The Legionnaire opened his eyes. Roosevelt's head
lay there, unmoving and powerless, he knew, against him.
With relief he pressed his arms against the ground,
preparing to lift his sweat-soaked body -- and heard the
click of a pistol just above his left ear.
"Turn around," said the voice of Lich Nixon.
Fearless Leader rolled over, and saw that the man
holding the gun -- though he spoke with Nixon's voice --
was Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy. A stone shield lay on the
ground beside him, and Kid Recap lay nearby, a large
purple bruise swelling on his head.
"So you truly are fearless," said Nixon, his voice
sounding too deep for Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy's mouth.
"Now let's see what kind of a leader you really are. Order
your man not to shoot, and let's see which one of us he
* * *
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